<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions??? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”></p>

Why you’re feeling down? you’re not able to take care of yourself properly?

Dear Tee,

ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatment…

Oh I hope you feel better soon…

What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?

Providing financially is okay for me and I’m doing that. But it’s also general like my father now don’t tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and it’s frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what they’re doing? Can’t you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.

For my mother she’s just still overly protective (I know there’s some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know I’m not a child anymore.

Yeah, it’s a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments – because by writing them down, it’s like we observe them, we don’t identify with them. So we’re less consumed by them. Which means – more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.

Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.

Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideas… to mention just a few   But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true self…

It’s like diamonds covered in dirt – they aren’t always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they weren’t, you would still be worthy…

Thanks! And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think it’s also something which is wasting lot of my time. I’ve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and it’s relatable for me. For me even though when not working it’s not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.

I am sorry you’re not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?

No I can’t. because I’m supposed to be “Expert” in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.

Hi Tee,

 

well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…

Hmm I guess so, But right now I don’t feel hurt (much)

Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.

Yeah finding the “right” woman ain’t that easy. But yeah thanks I do feel like I did good progress regarding this matter

Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.

I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.

Hmm I see so I guess in some situations I might have didn’t showed my coolness

Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

So yeah I talked to her If my coolness is bothering or there’s something else? She can share anything without hesitating.

She told me that “When I started talking to you I thought you’d be obsessed with me, Because that’s how it went for me in the past, and Because I already love you, Things would go much faster between us, and yet I enjoyed every moment we shared together I was waiting that you’d break your “rules” just for me (Because I already talked to her about my fear in relationship) and take steps further, So I tried to do it but you still stopped me and I agree with you, You wanted things to go slow but it did hurt me because no one ever said me No like that. But the thing is that I couldn’t make you feel very attached me and it frustrates me a lot. “

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.

Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…

Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief

I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…

I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly

Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?

It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?

I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.

I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.

If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha

And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.

But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that?

So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…

So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt a little close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly </p>

<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted, but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.</p>

Hm.. that’s not a good sign, since it means she still has feelings for him. And that she is considering going back to him, otherwise she wouldn’t want to meet him. BTW, was he the one who left her? Because usually that’s when we still have feelings for the ex…

I know but I’m not disappointed because I wasn’t much attached, I didn’t ask if her ex left her, or she left him

I guess you meant that you don’t want to beg her either, right?

Lol NOPE!

I don’t know how you feel about it?

Well I know it’s not really normal, but I feel good like I’m saved from emotional frustration and etc. 😅

Like how Americans say “Dodged a bullet?” Idk if it’s relevant here 😂

 how did she react to your relatively detached reaction?

She wasn’t surprised she already sees me as someone who’s “Calm and composed” She told me this in our first date and I said It’s what you see but I do have anxiety like some other people…

Even this time she told me – you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?

And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sigh…

I guess I didn’t told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, let’s take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said it’s the “mild breeze” talking

She laughed and also said yeah I’m being eager. but that’s a “twinkling” talking.

Ola Tee,

Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!

I hope your wishes come true 🤗

I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.

If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).  If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?

Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! it’s much clearer to me and yeah, I do like “I’m easy to love” affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat

Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?

Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.

There’s another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because it’s been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)

Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?

Yes Exactly!

Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions… well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?

Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…

Yes I remember the Henry cloud’s video now! I’ll take a note of this. Regulations my emotions, that’s we are already working on so
What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?

Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…

Okay I’ll try this affirmations and update you

Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…

Hmm that’s a positive perspective to look from

I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.

Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.

So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.

Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?

About boundaries you’re right and for so long he haven’t disrespected any of my boundaries tbh

Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.

Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you haven’t done something worthwhile?

So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?

Yes kinda like that

I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.

You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.

So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…

I agree with you, Expressing anger in healthier way that’s what I need to learn now

Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!

Thanks Tee!

Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?

I’m not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?

In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!

But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too

Cheers to that!   And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!

Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!