Dear Tee,
How are you feeling today?

I see… your assumption here is that when you show weakness, you’ll be attacked. Although you said that when you did share some of your weaknesses and vulnerability, both of your girlfriends showed understanding for it. They didn’t attack you, condemn you or ridicule you.
…..Can you see now how our childhood experience shapes our worldview, i.e. the narrative we live and operate in? To you, showing weakness means being attacked. And this is probably what prevents you from emotional intimacy…

I mean yeah, I understand that. But that’s why I said I need to develop the trust first. And I do have trust issues as well so… Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

You’re not a weak person – your parents gave you that message. They’ve convinced you that you are. And a part of you (your inner child) believes them. Another part fights against it. That’s the Protector, who says “you can’t hurt me, I’ll never admit that you’ve hurt me.”

You are indeed very resilient (you’ve lived on your own since you were 16 or 17, right?)… but regardless of that, a part of you (your wounded inner child) feels weak. And the Protector part will do anything in his power not to show it to anyone. The Protector part will do everything to appear strong and cool. That’s the part that often uses sarcasm…

Hmm Right I agree with this. And as I said before it’s the confusion and battle between these two things does tires me emotionally sometimes

Seems like you really want to be prepared for a “project” called relationship. You want to plan everything, so you wouldn’t fail and none of your weaknesses gets revealed, right? You want to pass it with flying colors…. But the thing is that if you plan too much, perhaps spontaneity is lost? If it’s a project, and you’re the project manager… what’s the role of your girlfriend? The one who goes along and fulfills the plan set by you? I am being provocative here on purpose, but do think about it….

Not quite. I mean planning as like go and visit things and just different activities from both side obviously.
And I’m actually a Product Manager so maybe that’s why I’m just more organizational.

I do like the spontaneity… However about the weaknesses I may or may not be afraid of that thing. Because I’m sharply honest… And another thing is that I think is weaknesses are just some things you haven’t learned yet and to be honest it can be fun too. So in my 1st relationship I didn’t knew how to drive that time.. So whenever we have to go out she used to drive and then later on she taught me too and It was really a fun experience. In 2nd relationship I learned that how much impatient I was with lot of things so I worked on that and I told her that as well. So I think it’s more like learning from each other and have fun with that.

But for emotional weaknesses in particular I haven’t revealed too much I accept that.

Yes, I understand… but I don’t think your reason for not settling is the fear of missing out. Because you said you’ve never approach the girl first – it’s always them who approached you. This tells me you’re not a butterfly, wandering from flower to flower, afraid to miss out… You might have been fine alone, had those girls not initiated a relationship with you.

That’s why I think your fear of settling and commitment is caused by what we’ve discussed above: your fear of showing weakness, i.e. being seen as weak.

When I said “Do not settle” mindset I meant more for like places because I’m just changing cities every few months. I need to explore lot of places and wonders of nature.

And Yeah I’d be fine without those girls, but the thing is that I’m grateful for that because all those girls taught me about myself (more or less) and also not to mention I’ve spent a quality time.

But yeah I do accept I fear being seen as weak.

Dear Tee,
Hope you’d able to have good rest and recover. When I have sleep problems, I try warm milk or just warm honey + turmeric water

This seems like you’re afraid of showing too much vulnerability, 

I think Yes. and That’s why the shield because showing weakness meaning afraid of more attacks you know?
Also I was thinking like if I show me too much weakness how can I be the protective figure for them?

So, weak is bad, but weaker than is even worse?

I guess so, Yeah

Or an even deeper fear: you don’t want a committed relationship, because it would sooner or later reveal all of your (perceived) imperfections and weaknesses to the person, and you couldn’t bear that?

I’m not worried about the imperfections that’s okay for me but I do worry about showing myself as a weak person. Because part of me doesn’t accept that I’m a weak person, The things I’ve been through the weaker person wouldn’t be able to pass that. I know I’m very resilient and strong about what I want.

I think I’m fear of committed relationship maybe because of fear of missing out. Part of my mind thinks that my freedom wouldn’t be the same. What if I meet someone better later on? Because now I’m doing remote work and able to change cities whenever I want so I just want to explore more. But If I go for the committed route, It feels like I’d just question my wanderer soul more because I do have what you can say “Do not settle” mindset.

On another hand If I do start the dating or relationship, I make sure fulfilling my responsibilities from my side. Giving proper attention, Communication, Planning and Spending time together.
So for another fear that what if I hurt the person? Like obviously If we spending good time together there would be connection and etc. and then I show up like sorry but I’m not ready for any commitment? You know what I mean?

Dear Tee,
I’m glad you’re feeling better today

she wasn’t being authentic with you and was faking that she likes the things you like, so that you would approve of her?

Maybe yeah I guess… and also I felt like she’s just doing too much for me, So I didn’t felt it right and I felt pressured and after that I started to question myself if I really love her.. So that’s why

Let me ask you something: with your later two girlfriends, have you sometimes shared when you’re not in the best mood, or when you have doubts about yourself (such as what you’ve shared here on the forum: that you fear you’re not doing enough, not being successful enough, etc). Do you share those self-doubts with the person you’re involved with?

So yeah with my 1st girlfriend I wasn’t very vulnerable but with later two girlfriends yes.. but like after spending few months…

Dear Tee,

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. covid is still there? Well, I hope you’ll be better. Are you trying lemon-ginger tea though? When I tested covid positive around a year ago
Drinking Warm Water instead of normal tap water and having lemon ginger tea at least 3 times a day helped me a lot

I am not saying that you should be angry at either your father or mother, and go to attack them and tell them all your grievances. No, that’s not what I am saying. But what I am saying is that you need to first accept that certain abuse and false, harmful conditioning happened in your childhood. Even if your parents didn’t know better – even if they didn’t do anything outside of your culture – still, they have harmed you. Their parenting left a mark on you, left certain wounds in your psyche, which you need to heal. If you want to have a happy and fulfilling life.

Admitting that the damage happened – even if your parents didn’t do it on purpose – is the first step to healing.

*Sighs* Well yeah I already accepted that I didn’t had the best childhood emotional needs…
And I’m not angry at my parents at all
But I said those things because It’s better NOW
But you’re right damage is already done in the childhood and that I have to focus and heal

Starting of this thread Anita told me this,

“like lot of people my parents didn’t knew my emotional needs and they did what they thought is right for me. They just wanted to protect me“-

– unfortunately, consequences don’t care about reasons and intents: a child gets hurt in certain ways because of parents’ behaviors regardless of the parents’ intent or  ignorance vs. knowledge/ education. Think of it this way, if you will: when you drop a piece of glass to the floor, it breaks regardless of your intent (dropping the glass on purpose or by accident), and regardless of your ignorance vs knowledge/ education (knowing or not that this particular glass will break if dropped to the floor)

And that’s true. Because without accepting, I can’t start my healing journey

Dear Roberta.
She finished her task yesterday.
But before that I did ask if she’s able to do it within the deadline, She said yes,  yet still I had to give her reminder the way I did, I know now it wasn’t the right way

Dear Anita,

but it’s abuse nonetheless and it is not beneficial to the productivity of the company (she didn’t yet complete the task). Plus, it doesn’t make you look like a strong manager because your subordinate … didn’t complete the task yet.

Okay so what would you do if you’d be at my place as someone who’s managing the team?

Dear Tee,

an empathic response would have been something like “Oh that’s terrible” (reacting to the news of some murder). And then proceed with a suggestion “you know, that’s why I never read news so early in the morning – sometimes they are so horrible they spoil my entire day. I prefer to start with xyz…” (here you describe what helps you start your day in a positive, uplifting way).

So you empathize with her feeling of distress, and then you suggest something which might help her in the future. But you don’t push your opinion on her (specially since she didn’t ask for your advice), and you don’t treat her as inferior to you. If you do that, you won’t sound grumpy or condescending…

That’s extremely helpful thanks for explaining that with good example

it could be because you were attacked a lot in your childhood, and you learned to close your heart and pretend it doesn’t hurt. And then you use poisonous darts to defeat the “enemy”. Maybe it’s like you’re saying “you can’t hurt me, I’ll rather hurt you“.

That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess…

Yes, that was rather cynical. Was it your subordinate to whom you said that? Was she supposed to complete a task and failed to do that, and this was your way of scolding/criticizing her?

Yes she’s my subordinate. She’s supposed to complete the task and even today she didn’t. 4 days late. By saying that I was trying to remind her that better that you finish your task so I don’t have to tell you in direct way which you could take even harsh.

So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that. I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?
And sarcasm is like a whole new language nowadays, so If I’m always saying sincerely what I’m thinking people would think I’m really serious person. and I don’t understand sarcasm.

Now I started to think I do have the issue of expressing my emotions or share it openly

Dear Anita,

Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

Okay so thing about this is that only the people I really care and trust are able to know when that smile turns into a frown. And sometimes not even them like sometimes I think I don’t want my mom to worry about this so I simply don’t share that thing with her

outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness

I’m also Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy in offline world as well. Because I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes.
But it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… Because maybe I don’t trust that easily so I just don’t get attached that much easily or idk if it’s something else

underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

So I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?

I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled… filled with all that you are.

Also what Tee Said 
It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

So, I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside, I just don’t know how to be expressive and explain it. Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that