Dear Tee,

an empathic response would have been something like “Oh that’s terrible” (reacting to the news of some murder). And then proceed with a suggestion “you know, that’s why I never read news so early in the morning – sometimes they are so horrible they spoil my entire day. I prefer to start with xyz…” (here you describe what helps you start your day in a positive, uplifting way).

So you empathize with her feeling of distress, and then you suggest something which might help her in the future. But you don’t push your opinion on her (specially since she didn’t ask for your advice), and you don’t treat her as inferior to you. If you do that, you won’t sound grumpy or condescending…

That’s extremely helpful thanks for explaining that with good example

it could be because you were attacked a lot in your childhood, and you learned to close your heart and pretend it doesn’t hurt. And then you use poisonous darts to defeat the “enemy”. Maybe it’s like you’re saying “you can’t hurt me, I’ll rather hurt you“.

That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess…

Yes, that was rather cynical. Was it your subordinate to whom you said that? Was she supposed to complete a task and failed to do that, and this was your way of scolding/criticizing her?

Yes she’s my subordinate. She’s supposed to complete the task and even today she didn’t. 4 days late. By saying that I was trying to remind her that better that you finish your task so I don’t have to tell you in direct way which you could take even harsh.

So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that. I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?
And sarcasm is like a whole new language nowadays, so If I’m always saying sincerely what I’m thinking people would think I’m really serious person. and I don’t understand sarcasm.

Now I started to think I do have the issue of expressing my emotions or share it openly

Dear Anita,

Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

Okay so thing about this is that only the people I really care and trust are able to know when that smile turns into a frown. And sometimes not even them like sometimes I think I don’t want my mom to worry about this so I simply don’t share that thing with her

outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness

I’m also Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy in offline world as well. Because I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes.
But it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… Because maybe I don’t trust that easily so I just don’t get attached that much easily or idk if it’s something else

underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

So I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?

I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled… filled with all that you are.

Also what Tee Said 
It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

So, I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside, I just don’t know how to be expressive and explain it. Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that

Dear Anita

So describing the photo

I don’t have many childhood pics so I didn’t had many options 😆

But luckily the ones I have are good ones.

The photo I chose is me wearing green t-shirt white stripped with big (not too big) smile

My mum still tells me I have brightest smile.

That time I had dimples too. Not now (sucks)

And innocent looks with drape haircut haha

Dear Anita
But you don’t want to, Addy. All I can do is suggest
I think we have little bit of misunderstanding here. Because on another thread I haven’t updated you.
I’m working on my Inner Child Work and also as you told me like a photo. and I’m also asking questions to myself like what my inner child needs now?

Dear Anita & Tee

Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize. I put some TED videos on my watchlist to understand Empathy on deeper level. Also, I think it’d also be really helpful professionally too, Since I’m in Management position so I should be listening with empathy than criticize or judge.

Tee said
“And since there is not just an expectation, but also pressure that you put on her, that’s not really kind and caring. I think it’s closer to controlling”
I agree with that because in the past I used to be kind of controlling person. And I’m still working on that

Maybe you don’t like her complaining
Yes, I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.
Although now I know what you mean is really emphasizing but mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

 I think the urge to change her
Not really. I may have reacted like that, but I don’t have intention to change anyone. as I said before I just listened complains and went for solutions that’s why

Anita said,

it seems like I suggested to you that there is a connection between your present problems and your childhood,

Yes. Because I was unsure and maybe I still am?
The thing is that one side of my action-oriented brain like “okay, so you know now. What now? How to solve that?”
(I think it may or may not be side effect of working at so “Fast paced start-up” I don’t like this word anymore because getting things done right away mentality)
But another side of my brain knows that these things (Like CEN) take time to heal. Taking small steps and figuring things out (Example: today I knew that I have to work on my empathy skills)
One part of my brain is very impatient, and one part is patience so that’s why I’m unsure and you feel I had a change of mind

 stop redirecting your criticism of your father to ===> your virtual girlfriend (and possible future real-life girlfriends). You know how it feels to be criticized… don’t do it to the woman in your life, or to your future children, in the name of being a “very caring person”, be it a very-caring-boyfriend/ husband, or a very-caring-father.

Yes, you’re right thanks for point that out. That’s why I have to work on my empathy skills because I’m realizing just because I’m being hard on myself, I don’t have to be hard on others. I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

this is what criticism (the boldfaced) 
Yes, I agree. I’m getting better at not listening to others criticism.
And also, lately I’m talking to myself positively instead of directly attacking myself with criticism.

Addy

Dear Anita,
I agree healing needs to be done. but past is past we can’t change that. We can only accept that and learn from it.
And there’s just so much good things that I still feel since my childhood. I get happy even seeing the smallest possible natural things happening around me. It makes me smile and forget all the worry and it does make me remember that my inner child is still alive and I’m taking care of that inner child in me. I’m not listening to others. Sometimes I sleep on the roof even if I get cold, but I know how much I love staring at sky filled with stars, Same for taking care of small plants leaf by leaf. Other thinks it’s silly and childish but I love it.

Dear Anita,

Today I was thinking about my relationship patterns when I was taking a walk and I found out these things
Most of my relationship Start with me giving good attention,
I feel so much attracted,
I do the extra caring
Writing letters and poems. etc
and like after some time if they also giving me same energy all goes well for few days
and after that when they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?
And I just feel more distant when they try to be closer with me and I feel fear to be committed so after that I just try to avoid the deep feelings but already late from the other side
I never intent to hurt anyone and also in my next relationship I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings

What should I do about that?