Sometimes Love requires that a relationship end. Trust your intuition, you know what needs to happen.

If you end the relationship you should stop all contact if only to create some space for you to work on yourself and what you really want from a relationship.  I recommend the book ‘How to be an adult in Relationships’.

I have never heard of Derealisation and Depersonalisation before. I’m glad to hear you manage to get over it but can’t image what having such an experience would be like.

Much of Buddhist practice is to be the observer to one’s thoughts, emotions and body as well to realize the illusion of time – past and future in order to be present. But with your past experiences of DPDR such a practice might be disorienting so I hesitate commenting on your post…

If you continue to meditate a guided meditation might be helpful. Someone to bring you back to your self and teach you how to return. (I wonder if its possible that your gifted in this regard but have not yet learned how to master it. Having a “Odd Perception” could be a door to creativity and discovery if you learn how to master it and let go of all the labels your applying to yourself) You might also benefit from talking to a Jungian Analyst or other professional.

You might find the following book interesting but be careful if you have a tendency to overthink things as one of the suggestions is learning how to observe the self. If your prone to DPDR that could be a problem but then you might learn that its not a problem at all, just a different perception, not odd at all, maybe even helpful.  ‘The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself’ by Michael A. Singer

I wish you well

It sounds like your anxiety often results in anxiety attracts which are often triggered by feeling anxious about being anxious. That might sound odd however when we get to the point of a anxiety attract that is usually what is happening. Our attention becomes fixated on the anxiety which feeds the anxiety and we get stuck. No wonder we can’t breathe, all our energy and attention is stuck in a loop.

Worry about the future and failing may be unskillful and something to work on, however it is normal. These fears (false evidence appearing real) can be dealt with however the anxiety is getting in the way and taking up all your energy. The issue is not your fears but anxiety. Let the issues behind your fears go. You can deal with them after you learn how to work with your anxiety. One step at a time. Trying to fix everything all at once will only feed your anxiety.

Having had anxiety attacks I learned the key was to stop fighting them and allowing the experience to flow. The first step was to notice and make the experience conscious as soon as possible so that I could respond and not just react.

Saying No I Will Not let myself feel anxious is only going to feed the anxiety and encourage an attack. The next time your experiencing an attack see if you can let your self observe it without judgment. Notice which parts of your body gets tense and when your mind becomes fixated. Notice what your consciousness fixated on and practice withdrawing it, distracting yourself from it, look away. Notice if you are applying labels to the experience and practice acknowledging the thoughts as information without labels of good or bad. Notice if you get angry at yourself for the labels you created about your experience. How much of the anger and anxiety you experience a result of the labels and how much on what is or has occurred.  (How much of the experience was objective and how much subjective.)

In this way, the experience can flow through you vice creating a log jam, (picture yourself as a running river) Eventually the amount of time in the attack will decrease until you won’t bother with them anymore. The anxiety having served its purpose as something to push against for greater awareness

I like to picture my consciousness as a dog with normal dog characterises like curiosity, playfulness, loyalty and protective. My dog awareness is easily distracted… squirrel…  and sometimes that protective loyalty pays to much attention to my anxiety which makes it anxious or on what it can’t see or know (uncertainty) and so barks and barks or worse bites and won’t let go.  During these times, I picture attaching a leash and redirecting the attention elsewhere. Often it just takes a slight tug on the leash. (Never a bad dog or becoming angry. It seems the dog response best when I’m calm and intentional) I picture myself training my conciseness to heal, to fetch, to play, to protect… Instead of my conciseness directing me I direct my conciseness.

We love to measure our experiences. Am I happy now? What about now? Maybe now? Is this it, was that it? We suck at measuring experience and more often than not the act of measuring/judging an experience kills it and takes us out of the present. Happiness could slap us in the face and we would fail to notice. We suck at measuring and end up telling ourselves crap stories that we then begin to live. We become the stories we tell.

The practice of meditation becomes helpful once we realize that the practice isn’t something we do is a certain period of time but in every breathe we take. When we make life our practice we notice how the words we use to measure our experience changes the experience and let them go and doing so allowing the experience to flow through us. We learn to dance with our experiences and not against them.

There is a time for all things. Time to go to the gym as a practice of discipline. A time to go to the gym to engage with our body. A time to go to the gym to socialize, and a time to stay home. All valid experiences that have nothing and everything to do with how your feeling.

Creating some space for yourself might be a place to start. Somewhere to meditate or read a book about reconnecting with yourself. Some time just for you to be with you.

You may find joining a book club  or perhaps taking a weekend seminar on something that interests you a great place to practice expressing yourself. Neutral ground where you are free to say and feel what think and feel.

Talking to a professional would help you identify what it is you want to expresses as well as help you find healthy ways to do so with your family.

You are not alone even though you feel alone. At some point in all our lives we all seek out our tribe our other family. It is out there looking for you as you look for it.

I like the following blog  wanderlust.com/journal/how-to-find-your-tribe/

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.” -Seneca

A exploration of Love might be helpful. I recommend the following books by David Richo

How to Be an Adult in Love – Letting love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly

We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We find it a challenge to love ourselves. We might have a hard time letting love in from others: recognizing it, accepting it. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us—and love that isn’t shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled.

The Five Longings – What We’ve Always Wanted and Already Have

There are five longings deep within us. They are for love, meaning, freedom, happiness, growth. Each of these five reveals us to ourselves, showing us what we want, what our life is for, what keeps us going, what keeps us looking. Longings are mysterious. We often can’t quite name or explain them. Nor can they ever be perfectly, fully, or finally gratified. We shyly or loudly bring our longings to others. Sometimes we find more than we hoped for, sometimes less. Our healthy practice is a radical one: We notice and ask for some fulfillment of our longings from those we trust. We give up expecting all or perfect satisfaction. We notice that we have longings for the lasting in a world that is always changing. We can take that as a clue to the presence of something transcendent in us. With such spiritual consciousness we finally discover that all five longings reflect qualities in our true nature. We are seeking what we are.

Sorry  words can get away from me.

To Summarize: Away to deal with feelings of frustration is to make the conscious, recognize the feelings for what they are and let them flow/go.  Notice, experience, breathe and move forward… maybe with a silent prayer or positive thought towards the person you were hoping to help.

The above lead me to thinking about how we direct or don’t direct our conciseness. I suspect most people don’t think of conciseness as something they direct though that is one of the purposes of the practice of meditation. I would argue that such a practice isn’t something to do in an hour but in every moment.

Anyway. I visualize my conciseness as being dog like. Attracted to any experience that stands out especially fear. Sometimes its ok to let my awareness run free but sometimes I need to put a “leash” on it and ask it to heal (return to the still point). Especially when it becomes fixated on fear, a memory or an emotion like frustration which tends to intensifies the situation.  I find doing so in a calm intentional manner is most effective.

My thinking was that if you took up such a practice (however you wish to visualize it) you would be in a better position to influence those you wish to help. I suspect that your frustration with feeling frustrated as well as most of the student’s anxiety is a result of consciousness becoming fixated on the issue or emotion and so not being able to, ‘breathe’ and let the experience flow through.

This brings me to my favorite quote:

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”-  TS Eliot