Sofioula,

”Let him be and let yourself be better”

I like it. Thank you.

Lindsey

Anita,

Most of the time I feel nothing when I look at my ex husband; other times I feel a general dislike.  While prostituting/sexual slave is a bit dramatic, my body was being used to meet a need and I was not part of that need.  I was trading that for nice behaviors from him for the household.  It ended when I felt I could not have sex with him anymore and we cohabitated for 1.5 years.

I was still enslaved in a sense for the 1.5 years. I felt trapped in every sense of the word.  It made me depressed and very angry with everyone around me, mostly my family.  Daily I was told by him what I wasn’t doing right and that I gave up on the marriage and stopped trying.

Feeling trapped and not able to really take up for myself or make him stop I believe caused the disassociation.

I really like how you said a part of me had to take up for and protect the other part of me.  I feel protective of her.  I don’t think she deserves what has happened to her and I want her to get empowered and feel strong.

Lindsey

Anita,

yes I hear what you are saying.  I believe I did not listen to his preferences.  I ignored them just to be with him.  I feel that I would ignore preferences that do not align with mine right now if I were dating and I have in the past because I’m desperate for some type of connection.  My brain goes into tunnel vision of seeing the relationship through to the end and not stopping it when things are not right.  In the past I’ve “ghosted” men mostly in college.  I would just not answer the phone and avoid them without breaking it off.  I did it several times.

i believe for me there is a difference between loneliness and wanting a connection with a man. All this stemms from my mother cutting me off emotional when I went to college I know.  I also think that during the last few years with my ex husband and being forced to sleep with him has harmed me more than I realize.  I felt like a prostitute and that I was being used in different ways during the end part of the marriage.

lindsey

Anita,

red flags

1. Agreeing to meet up at a sports bar to hang out for first time.  He had been there with friends. I show up and he’s extremely drunk. He doesn’t move just stares at me. I instantly feel uncomfortable bc of that and a woman of around my age staring at him like she just lost her dog.  I left 2 minutes after being there. I should have dropped him then or anyone that gets drunk knowing they are meeting a female.

2. Him telling me this can’t go anywhere because he’s done raising kids.  It was rude and I should have said bye right away.

3. Seems focused mostly on  himself during sex. Funny it wasn’t like that before we had sex.

4. Allowing me to think his wife cheated on him. He just never answered the question when I asked him so I assumed. I thought he came from a relationship where he was treated negatively. I think it was the other way around but he didn’t clarify it until way later. He cheated on her before they got married but were together with their first child.

Anita

You are too funny with the PI work. Great idea I’m on it!

Lindsey

Anita,

My dumb behaviors I continue to do even when people repeatedly  tell me it’s a bad idea leave me really disappointed in myself and I wonder why I self sabotage.  Yesterday was the best day yet and I thought around 7pm I’m just going to go to M’s house.  Just to say hey I don’t want things awkward at work I’m trying to move on etc.

well. I drove by and there was a car in the driveway.  Odd things he did when I Used to visit him stared to make sense. I’m fairly certain he was seeing other women while seeing me.  I feel really angry mostly at myself.  This entire situation makes me feel like I’m in high school.  We didn’t use protection and I’m calling my obgyn this am to get tested.  I feel beyond dirty.  I feel like talking about him still is pathetic and my really good friend at work refuses to talk with me at all about him saying move on it’s over it’s fine.

I feel sick and used and laughed at behind my back.  Please help.

lindsey

Anita/Classified,

Anita I got on the forum in tears and classified had me laughing. No offense but I totally relate to the humor and the obsession.

I’m not much better.  I’ve woken up 3 nights now having a panic attack or feeling like I’m about to. I feel like an iritable walking zombie.  I’ve had to take my alaprozam (I think the spelling is wrong but don’t care at this point) each night and it’s makes me feel awful the next day.  I’m feel constantly worried in my new place I’ve yelled at my kids and feel claustrophobic whenever they are over bc my place is smaller. I’m writing this in tears because I’m so tired and so worried that this will not go away.  My ex is taking them tomorrow and gave me a 2 hour break this morning.  He’s had them since I was tiring to move and has helped a lot with the move.  I know this is all a really big change but I thought I was supposed to be better.  My mom and I got in a big fight too bc I asked her to venmo me money this am after my dad offered and I said no yesterday.

lindsey

Anita,

Day one of move so far so good just tired.  I’ve noticed when I get stressed I start having negative thoughts about myself and what M. Must think of me and my behaviors.  I’m able to push them aside and start listening to the good side of my brain say it’s all ok.

I don’t recall being overly clingy with past relationships before my marriage or a constant worrier that they wanted to leave or didn’t  like me.  I think I’m going to have to take things extremely slow in the future with a man.  It’s kind of like having a really bad fall off a horse and suffering say a broken leg.  When you decide to ride again, Be cautious but have fun too.

I’ve just gotten a mentor at work who also works out at my gym.  It’s a man but he’s older And married and he and his wife are really good people.  She works out at the gym too.  I’ve started to realize how important it is to surround yourself with good people.

Lindsey