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lindsey

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Viewing 15 posts - 631 through 645 (of 662 total)
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  • in reply to: Need advice asap #287207
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I’m picking up my keys and paperwork today. Also movers are coming this Wednesday instead of this Saturday so Wednesday will be official first night in my new place.

    i donā€™t think I know how to have a relationship. Ā To be in control to means feeling Ā the other person likes you more than you like them or they constantly show you they like you and you donā€™t have to worry about them leaving. Ā Iā€™m not quite sure how to be with someone and them not want something from me.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287189
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Seems like if Iā€™m not in control of a relationship then Iā€™m vulnerable and they cut themselves off emotionally overnight. Itā€™s one or the other with me.

    Was my breakdown a combination of different things? Probably. Ā Not sure how to have a relationship with my mother or set boundaries.

    It is hard to know if I actually liked M. Ā He did have faults but we did have things in common.

    Iā€™m just lonely.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287115
    lindsey
    Participant

    Ok the hallway story sounded confusing. Picture a ā€œTā€ hallway. Iā€™m walking straight ahead on the long part. Ā He is walking straight on the smaller part of the t but looking to the right at me the entire time until he canā€™t see me anymore.

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287113
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    i guess I would have to say my relationship with my mother is…. hard. Ā She has apologized to me just not very often. Ā There have been times when she has helped. Ā Over the weekend of my 40th birthday she came to visit and the year and a half of a building nervous breakdown peaked and I had to make a change quickly. She was there for me and made me realize I had to move out now. Ā  It seems unhealthy but itā€™s better than it used to be.

    With M. I wanted the sex it just….was disappointing after. It was very frustrating because at first there was a connection but as soon as he said this canā€™t go anywhere he cut himself off emotionally and I felt like I kept chasing it. Ā It was sex and no emotions and I thought thatā€™s what I wanted in the very beginning. Ā I found out during Ā I wanted comfort and a connection.

    i feel so frustrated. Iā€™ve seen him at work walk in front of me by several feet with me walking straight ahead and him crossing the hallway and he will stare at me and then look down when he canā€™t see me anymore as he walks. Ā What the hell??

    lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287089
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I donā€™t know how to have 100% closure with her. Sheā€™s a difficult person and doesnā€™t apologize or admit sheā€™s wrong very often. We have poor boundaries in our relationship with a cycle of her bringing me in emotionally then pushing me away.

    Was M. Using me as a doll in a sense? A plaything to control?

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287035
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    the ex husband is upset and stressed out about this significant move Coming up. Ā He lashes out instead of communicating. Ā Yesterday I told him the owner of my gym is giving me 2 months free and then if I can afford to continue going, he would give me a discounted rate. We were discussing finances and cut backs etc. Ā my ex said to me ā€œ did you get on your hands and knees in front of him? Ā Did you beg for him to let you work out for free?ā€ I got up and left the room but am still angry. Ā I canā€™t call my mother because she is away at a tennis tournament and last time I spoke to her she made it very clear she has her own problems to deal with and for me to figure it out on my own. Ā This is her tone 75% of the time. Ā My brain startes thinking about M. And yesterday I thought again about stopping by his house but I didnā€™t. Ā I really canā€™t talk to my dad too much. Ā He has to take benzodiazepines daily but is on a low dose. SSRIā€™s and other meds did not relieve the daily panic attacks. Ā This started 2 years ago; we visited for Christmas and I was at the ER 3 times in 2 days. I took over as the oldest my mom practically had a breakdown. It has hurt their marriage and they are both struggling. Ā Heā€™s going to different doctors and trying to get off the benzodiazepines but this situation has aged him.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #287007
    lindsey
    Participant

    It took a long time to discuss it with my mother and for me to accept her behaviors and move on. Ā My father was recently diagnosed with anxiety and severe panic attacks. Ā During their marriage he used pot, alcohol, and food versus meds to cope with his disease. Ā My mom was busy trying to raise my brother and sister who were 12 and 14 years younger than me and having to deal with him. Ā She knew I needed to break away from her and be more on my own she just didnā€™t know how to do it. Ā When I had kids I saw her in a different light; she was just trying to survive like everyone else.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286937
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I don’t think I was damaged really by my other until my teen years, especially when I went to college.Ā  She is really good at the baby/child stage as a mom.Ā Ā When I and my siblings were older, she seemed less patient and wanted us to figure it out on our own and stop relying on her too much.Ā  Which is a normal thing for a parent but she did not try to make it happen gradually, it was like overnight.Ā  For example when I went to college, she pretty much said you are on your own now and they moved into a new house without a room for me.Ā  She emotionally cut herself off from me overnight.Ā  I was very lost for a long time.Ā  We have a good relationship now.

    My ex is my ex-husband.Ā  Technically not until divorce filing but I don’t want to refer to him as husband.Ā  I start moving on Monday, April 1st.Ā  I’ll be completely moved in by next Saturday the 9th.Ā  I’ll probably start staying over before the 9th.

    I feel like the fog is lifting and I am getting over the entire situation with M. a bit everyday.Ā  Really it was supposed to be something casual.Ā  I was not in a position to enter into that type of situation really at all-it’s not my personality.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286841
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    sorry sometimes my writing is all over the place like my thoughts.

    Regarding M- I canā€™t recall what his face looks like, itā€™s blurry. Ā Almost like my brain doesnā€™t want to remember or canā€™t.

    Regarding the ex- there was about 2 years of the coercion sex and then nothing for about 1 1/2 years when we separated. Ā It was awful and that area I always found very lacking. No childhood trauma.

    Ironically I would say I used looks/sex to get M.ā€™s interest. Ā I feel like I need a service dog to assist Me in making any type of decision about a man. Ā I was in a fog for about a year until 3 weeks ago. I literally could not make a healthy decision for myself. I felt in limbo.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286799
    lindsey
    Participant

    Whatā€™s funny is his face is blurry when I try to remember him physically. Ā I felt nothing in his room and kept wanting to feel something, anything really. Ā Prior to our separation, there was about 2 years of coercion sex. Ā It would buy me at least 3-4 days of him not being verbally crazy and a calm house. Ā But I would cry during and after I donā€™t think he knew.

    There are so many things Iā€™m realizing that are just common sense. Ā What I donā€™t think people realize especially when they say things like ā€œwake upā€ is that abuse puts you in a fog. Ā Normal decision bring anxiety and confusion. Ā What I used to be able to do now seems like running a mind marathon. Ā I would of allowed M. To do whatever to me because a part of me was not even there and still fills like Iā€™ve been carved down the middle.

    My father was always working and I was really just an extension of my mother kind of like a doll. Ā She had me at 19 and we grew up together. She really good at mothering until her kids became teenagers.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286781
    lindsey
    Participant

    Yes! When he had access I felt a disconnect and a disappointment. Ā Like I was looking for something and didnā€™t find it in his room.

    I like talking with you and feel like Iā€™m talking with an aunt who is always level headed and says the right things. Ā Even if the right things are not want you want to hear it still makes you feel better.

    lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286769
    lindsey
    Participant

    My worry is I donā€™t want anyone to think Iā€™m crazy or desperate or unstable. Ā I absolutely agree with you about getting to know someone before getting physical. Boy do I ever. Ā I feel like he looked in a secret cabinet of mine no one really sees and then he slammed it shut and ran away. Ā I gave him access to that cabinet and now I feel vulernable and exposed.

     

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286761
    lindsey
    Participant

    I donā€™t think Iā€™m going to leave a note. Ā After I read back what I wrote my impression was basically I got upset bc I didnā€™t get what I wanted. Ā Maybe thatā€™s true. Ā At the time I didnā€™t know what I wanted and just felt constant anxiety. Ā One thing that did not come across in my forum was that he could be disrespectful/indifferent to me and my feelings. Ā I told him once I wanted him to be there for me at times when I needed advice or help and he told me to stop being dramatic. Ā His wording was very harsh. Ā I donā€™t like who i was with him. Ā I was desperate and confused and worried and unstable. Ā I have developed this issue with everyone leaving me lately. Ā Itā€™s hard to drop my kids off anywhere,I worry about my parents health, I worry friends are mad at me and might not talk to me anymore for some crazy reason. Ā I felt like I could not let him go and he was going to have to end it no matter how rude he acted. Ā Iā€™m still embarrassed and ashamed by my behaviors. Ā I worry when he sees me he wants to run the other way. Ā  Thank you for your honest insights.

    Lindsey

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286661
    lindsey
    Participant

    Forgot to add this. Ā The main reason Iā€™m upset is bc after he broke it off Thursday, he was not at work until the following Tuesday. He put his Skype on as out of the office and he was there working. I checked it hoping he would be out again coast clear for the day. I took that as he thinks Iā€™m obsessed/stalker/heā€™s trying to avoid me at all costs. Ā I took that very personally

    in reply to: Need advice asap #286659
    lindsey
    Participant

    I feel like there are some things Iā€™m leaving out but I donā€™t want to get too personal. I will say heā€™s a loner, brags a lot in my opinion, very alpha male. Very confident in what he does and in his decisions. Ā Gives you the impression heā€™s an a hole until you talk to him and heā€™s cool to talk with. Ā Not attached to anything moved away from kids to different state after divorce.

    To be honest Ā thereā€™s about 4 good looking women in my office and Iā€™m one of them. Ā I used that to feed his ego and get his attention. Ā I told a lot of jokes. Ā I think I may have been in a manic state when I started flirting/hitting on him. Ā But my mania is panic attacks, poor boundaries, irritability, drop in focus, poor decision making. Itā€™s on the spectrum. Ā Iā€™m an extroverted introvert. Ā Not a lot of close friends we had a lot in common as far as dogs, movies, people, life.

Viewing 15 posts - 631 through 645 (of 662 total)