Anita,

I don’t just ride on the hot mess express bus I drive it.   Part of my anxiety has been M. I think? I stopped by his house earlier and feel 75% better.  How does one person make someone’s anxiety sky rocket?

Apparently he buys everyone at any bar a shot if he sees them out because they work together at State Farm. Apparently he’s never spoken to S ever and didn’t that night.  Apparently the night of that championship basketball game his friend and co worker Dave was at his house not S.  Really all my source said was he bought her an anonymous shot at a bar and had no idea of anything after that. This was her brother.

This is a perfect example of my anxiety taking a statement of he bought someone a shot to my brain telling me he’s sleeping with her and was sleeping around on me the whole time with multiple women.  I feel really really bad about what I said to him via text about his daughter and a scenario of her being 25 and what would he do if a 45 year old guy hit on her and she’s got abandonment issues if she like an older guy.

I messed up. We argued back and forth and I got out what I needed to say in general. I was thinking of apologizing to him tomorrow?

Lindsey

Anita,

I think I will have to make my own closure and to an extent I already have.  I doubt  he will respond.  Monday psychiatrist appointment and I’m running to it because I’m still having panic attacks and feeling like I can’t sit still or sleep well at all.  I’ll keep you posted. That really my focus anyway.

Lindsey

Anita,

Things are ok. I’m definitely feeling anxiety in the evening more than usual and will be talking with my psychiatrist about it Tuesday. I need it fixed like yesterday.

I told M. Off on Wednesday. It was via text not in person but I don’t think I could of said the things I said without my voice shaking.  He’s been gone on vacation since I heard about him seeing the 25 year old.  When I saw him Wednesday I was like nope it’s on buddy and went right to his office asking him to text me.

One look on his face and I knew. He texted me 2 minutes later and I said I new about “s” and that he had been seeing her while we were together and that he was seeing multiple women too.  He didn’t deny and I told him what a dirt bag he was and how trashy and gross to date someone so young, etc.  it felt really good to be able to get that off my chest and get the last word.

Hope you have a good weekend

lindsey

Anita,

i don’t understand why I feel ok for a few hours or even a day and the suddenly I’ll get bombarded with feelings of anxiety.  Negative and unhealthy Thoughts  will run through my head and it’s up down up down. I’m feeling really tired because I have to take kilonopin at night 3-4 days out of 7 the past 2-3 weeks due to panic trying to fall asleep.

I feel like I can’t stabilize. The up and down thoughts make me feel worthless, damaged, and paranoid.  I cannot seem to get past The events of M. And I’m really tired of still being upset about it. I want the thoughts out and gone like it didn’t happen.  I want to start enjoying more that an hour or 2 a day. I want to get along with my mom and not feel like it’s all my fault.

I feel like my mental health is weighing me down and sometimes I can’t tell what’s real or not real in my head with situations.

Lindsey

Anita,

My distress which now comes every hour or 2 feels like butterflies and a rock in my stomach and I need to take a deep breath.  My thoughts feel on the lose meaning at times my brain starts reliving past conversations with M. Or things we did.  Other times my brain rehearses what I would say to him about seeing someone else.

It was getting better these last 2 weeks but got really bad again about 1 or 2 days ago.  At times I am able to give positive feedback to myself about the entire situation.  But I’m exhausted and I want it to stop.  I’m doing really well with the kids considering all this and they continue to adjust well to everything.

I’m wondering if you know of any techniques to not feel distressed or to stop these thoughts from randomly coming all the time. I feel paranoid that other people or either talking about me or judging me more than normal mostly at work because that’s where I’m at most of the time.  I feel overwhelmed going places.

Lindsey

Anita

Please don’t be mad I’m trying the best I can here.  And I’m pretty sure M is seeing/sleeping with S.  It is hard to handle right now with everything.

Lindsey

They did agree to pay for therapy.

Anita,

i don’t really look or feel my age. My friends say I look like I’m in my early 30’s and growing up it was always like that too. I looked 12 when I was 14 no fun then.

Yesterday was a rough day because that’s when I felt myself really processing whatever might have happened with M and younger S. All I know is he bought her a drink in a bar where she was with friends and then went up and talked to her.  From there I have no idea.  I keep trying to tell myself I’m better than that and better than him.  She is in her 20’s and he’s 45.  Everything about that situation and him in general makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I just want to be over it completely and things keep happening and I get upset all over again. I’m confident that 1. He probably does not think of me at all 2. If he does he’s glad he doesn’t see me anymore.  I just wish I was better in general. At everything. My mom and I got I. A big fight yesterday and I could really just use a person to make me feel better and keep me company.

Lindsey