Dear Anita,

I hope you enjoyed your weekend. The weather was nice here in Bloomington on Saturday but yesterday it rained off and on.  Went biking on Saturday and ate at a really good breakfast restaurant on Sunday.

I think that I am well and called the doctor this am to see if I could switch my antidepressant from Vibyrid to Lexapro. I recall taking Lexapro for about 6 years from 2004 to 2011.  I had 0 anxiety but I was very tired all the time to the point where my brain was cloudy- very similar to the feeling of Xanax without any withdrawals or harmful side effects.

I believe I have a pattern of hoping my anxiety will go away eventually or that it’s getting better. I tend to make excuses and say I’m going to do better, not worry so much…giving excuses is taking it’s toll.

Yesterday Jason was very tired (he was on call for the weekend and received a midnight call but did not go in until 6am. He actually worked Saturday at 7am as well and was off around 11.) He also pretty much took everything out of one of his bathrooms- toilet, flooring, sink and is replacing/painting.

While I could tell his was tired my anxiety was saying he was off and I was examining little things. That night he stated that he did not want to get intimate and I felt like my reaction was weird- he termed it “strange” later on. He said I stood back and was like “what, why? etc.”

I am not happy with my behavior in general at times with my anxiety and attachment style. I have voiced to you many times about this and have had reactive thoughts of breaking things off with Jason.

I’m not happy with him terming my behavior as “strange.”  I also feel like he could have worded things different as going up to me and saying “no sex tonight” we actually half-heartedly did but I pressed.

I feel like a weirdo. That’s the best describing for me really.  I do not feel happy in my relationship.

Lindsey

Anita,

Maybe I should not change anything and keep moving forward. I do not think I will get the answers I am looking for. There are no answers about the future.

I am forgetting if I want how serious I want to take things in the future.  For me it will take time to really move forward. I think that I am disappointed that he did not say he felt really serious about me- reassurance needed?

Lindsey

Anita,

I hear what you are saying that is why I have not done anything.

There were not specific plans made for the future at all. We cleared up that currently we are not in love- the relationship is not at that level. Basically he said that he would not do all of the activities with me and not treat me the way he does it that was not true that he did not like me

I feel like he is missing my point. His theme is live in the now- he has not idea what he will want in the future.

Lindsey

Anita,

I feel that I am at a cross road as to continue this relationship.

Lindsey

Anita,

I hear what you are saying and I think that you are correct regarding having a good think with Jason currently.

As I started my day this morning this is what my thoughts/feelings are that I am trying to process.

#1 I do not feel happy with myself or  my thoughts of not being able to live in the moment and enjoy what I have in my life including a stable and happy relationship.

#2 I have been divorced over 2 years and all together including separation it would be since 2018.  Jason was not 100% honest or what ever you want to phrase it when we first started dating. While he and his ex were in divorce proceedings for the past 2 years she was living in the home and moved out 6 months prior to us starting to see each other.

#3 like he said he has only been officially divorced since a few weeks ago.  He tends to live in the moment and I also think about the future. For me and my personality I would not continue to be with someone unless I felt there was serious potential. Because to be 100% honest I believe that I am in the middle of 1-like   2- falling hard  and 3 in love.  I interpreted our conversation that none of that is on his radar.  I think about introducing him to the kids within a few months.

#4 since yesterday I feel that he has gone overboard with affection and it is embarassing.  I know that this is positive behaviors.

I feel that I had to “pull teeth” to get him to even post a picture on social media.

Lindsey

Anita,

Hope you had a good holiday weekend!  Jason and I went on a bike ride, movies, food etc all weekend. Very fun and relaxing-just great all around.

This morning at 11 (it’s 1:44pm now) we had our counseling session between my ex and I and the counselor. The beginning went well but then it went downhill when I mentioned that co-parenting should just be between of 2 of us and that there is a boundary issue with his finance Amy.  Things exccalated at that point. I mentioned her moving in at 3 months and the issues with Ella and Amy. He started lying about things to the point where I got really upset. At that point it was time for the counselor to speak with the kids. I said that I do not think a meeting like this should happen again. The counselor stated that we can individually do checks in’s with him.

In the beginning I made sure to focus on the kids with my purpose of counseling to make sure they are emotionally happy and healthy moving forward. I stated that I am only in control of what I do.

Then I was feeling very down and got a message from Jason that was sexual in nature. At that point I felt disappointed because I just need a hug and emotional support. We texted a few lines and I sent him a text saying “is there an emotional component with sex for you as well?”

We needed up talking on the phone.  I told him that although this is a bit irrational (which we both agreed is classic anxiety with the focus to be on the here and now) I have had thoughts that in 6 months, a year, whenever that if I say something about having us each met the kids he will say  “umm no I like where things are at now. ” There was additional talk but I can’t remember half of it. At one point he questioned what exactly I meant by emotional component. Apparently he may have questioned or just wanted to clear up if it meant love but I was like “uh NO” and we got on the same page then.  I spoke about the counseling session and how it went. I said that I worry that in the end he will not want to deal with my issues and will just get sick of it. He disagreed- then said he has only been divorced for a few weeks- which I said Exactly- that is part of my worry I have been divorced over 2 years and I am at a slightly different point in my life.

We ended things on a good note.  However, I can tell you that this is adding to my overall stress especially dealing with my ex which Jason and I touched on.  Although people have anxiety sometimes they are right. I know your response would be that wait and see what happens in the future.

That is definitely all anyone can do.  But I have issues with sex only being about sex. Why can’t it be more when you really like someone? Can’t that be shown? and I am telling you that I do not think he will want to move forward in say 6 months. He has only been divorced 6 months and who is ready to really settle down and move forward seriously?

Lindsey

Anita,

I did not think about that either. His daughter is 13 and son is 11. I know they both have cell phones and are on social media. That would make sense to me and when my kids are on social media I would do the same-  but he never mentioned that.  We are not at a point to introduce children. I’m 100% sure on my end anyway.

I agree that he just got offically divorced.  Why do you think none of this was mentioned? It does make sense and can be seen at a different angle from what he said.

Why do you think my feelings are hurt? Am I being too sensitive? He seems so eager to do things that are non related to social media.  I’m more of a participant for him with different things not social media related.

Lindsey

Good Morning Anita,

Hope your week is going well.  I am in the office (work from home 3 weeks out of the month) and the week is always long and tiring.  But tomorrow is Friday.  The kids are very busy with sports and we do not get home until late but today is the last day of school!

Amy’s parents were at my son’s baseball game  this past Monday.  I noticed that they never went up to my daughter Ella and said hi. I assumed maybe she went up to them but they do not talk or look at me and I’ve never been introduced.  I was not with her the entire game as she was playing with friends.   Afterwards I found out that they did not speak with her and she says she never saw them at the game. Apparently Amy told her she was upset with Ella b/c Ella did not speak to her parents.  This is causing Ella “pain on the inside” which I told her to speak to the counselor about- that is a very important statement. She is afraid to say anything because the counselor will tell her dad. I told her that is not true but she does not seem convinced. I also told her to speak with my mother as they are extremely close.  Amy does not speak to Ella but last night at the game I told Ella to say hi to her. Ella went up to her and said “hi Amy how are you” Amy was sitting down and looked at her and said “I’m fine.” that was the end of it.  I am very disturbed by this and I am wondering if we should have a one on one with myself, my ex, and the counselor.  I was also sent a message that I told Ella not to say hi to Amy’s parents and Amy said this to Ella too.

I’m also dealing with a situation with Jason that occured yesterday. We have taken a few pictures with each other. We have been dating a little over 5 months now. We do not have any on facebook. Yesterday I thought about posting 1 picture on my page and asked him what he thought. I was unsure of posting it. He said yes that’s fine but just not to tag him (it would go on his page) Today I called him b/c I got to thinking about things more and my thought is- Ok you want to do all these things behind closed doors etc but you don’t want to show a picture of us on facebook? I said this to him and he said it was an interesting comparison.  He stated that posting that on facebook is a big step. He never has anyone tag him in photos on facebook and that facebook is always about “status quo” He did admit to being on facebook all the time. I bascially said I am aware of all of that which is why I was undecided and ask him.  He did not want friends to start asking him questions and causing stress and did not want to have to answer these questions. (he is somewhat of a private person? he has never posted pictures with any other women he has dated.)

I seemed ok with the conversation but now I am disappointed and hurt. The goal of the conversation with him was to feel better and speak my thoughts. Basically I feel that he should not feel stress with adding a nice picture of us on facebook- which he did press for me to put the picture on my page saying it was a nice photo.  I feel he should be proud.  No one has asked me anything when I posted the picture of us on my page.

I do not like how I feel about this.  At this point I do not feel emotionally supported.

Lindsey