Anita,

I hope you had a relaxing 3 day weekend.  I spent it hanging out by myself and on Saturday went out with some female friends to dinner and a movie.  Sunday I saw my kids for a few hours and worked yesterday. (the overtime money is pretty good.) I was really proud of myself because yesterday I was wanting to reach out to K and I did not.  I’m going to try and do a meditation before he comes into work at 10:30.  I’m going to focus on my work and not talking to him as much today.

Lindsey

Anita,

Yes we just moved today to a different area.  There are 3 teams of 9 people.  We are on different teams but ended up right next to each other.   I’m trying to relax a bit.  Obviously my anxiety is causing me to have irrational thoughts and worries.

What is happening is every time he talks or laughs with a female coworker my brain starts telling me negative things.  Also if I feel slighted for no reason by either a tone or why of talking.  We have made small talk and I need to relax.  I didn’t realize this was going to be hard on me emotionally.

Lindsey

Anita,

So I kind of went off the grid for 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday).  I didn’t talk much with anyone, just worked out, hung out with my dog and read.  I basically needed to reload.  I felt that I was having a minor anxiety cycle, which may have been because I started my period.  My anxiety and worry will sometimes spike during that time.  Also, on Monday for some reason I sent a text to K that was weird, it’s kind of a long story but I thought the woman walking in front of me may have been someone he dated so I asked him as he happened to walk by us. ( I was behind her.)  Why did I have this impulsive thought? no idea.  Was it very odd? yes and he said so.  So then I started my worrying and sent a text that he never responded to.

So Tuesday I woke up and said I’ve had enough.  This is dumb, he is really not worth my time or worry.  He is not a good friend to me and is not bringing anything positive to me life, only worry and stress.

So I guess you could say I’ve seen the light lol.  Or it’s been about 3 months since I started talking with him and my OCD behaviors get old after 3 months.  Anyway, I’m also seeing my counselor in about an hour.  I hope you have been well and I will talk to you soon.

Anita,

I tried the meditation last night.  I did an 8 minute one from U tube.  I might have fallen asleep during it lol.  It was great.  I did it about 7pm and noticed no anxiety after and during bedtime.  I’m going to try it again today during work because this morning has been very chaotic.

I need to find a way to somehow have some type of civil relationship with my mother.  She will never apologize for any of her wrong doings from the past.  She stated she felt what she did at the time was right – those are her words.  If I’m around her I end up arguing and I need to create boundaries with myself for my limited interactions with her.

I sent K a text later asking if he was upset about  what I wrote, he said “no.”  I asked if he could see where I was coming from?  He responded “yes.”  Avoidant behavior as usual & not taking responsibility.  Going to try and focus less on this mess as it is not worth it.

Lindsey

Granada,

Things really do happen for a reason maybe. I enjoyed reading your post.  I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for with K. It’s not sex. I’m not quite sure what I want if I start seeing someone I cannot see myself getting serious any time soon. I recognize K’s crazy. There is a part that wants to help him but I know you cannot help people with mental illnesses mostly they have to help themselves.  The longer I spend time with him the more I believe he is either bipolar but only on the spectrum not type 1 or 2, or possibly has major depressive disorder- I’m on the bipolar spectrum.

So maybe in some way I’m looking for him to help us together.  And it’s very hard for me to let go of that illusion because that’s exactly what it is.  I have a lot of trauma and I’ve got to find a way to walk away from people who are not healthy for me and I just cannot do it right now. And then it brings shame and frustration and anxiety.

There is so much up and down from him and I cannot get off the ride. I’m protecting myself right now by only being friends however he is not making any moves towards more when he sees me but talks about it sometimes through text. Everything about him is confusing.

lindsey

Anita,

I do think I’m healing and learning it’s just at a snails pace.  I have done a little pulling back from K – maybe just an inch or to but it’s growing.  He had other plans after the movie- I think he is part of a computer club- while that was fine I felt it was a bit rude.  He left after 2 hours and never tried anything with me.  At first I was a little disappointed but when I woke up this morning I feel like I dodged a bullet.  He seemed honestly a bit manic in his behaviors.  On his phone , got up 3 times to go to the bathroom, kind of talking loudly. Was he nervous I don’t know probably not? Your word of limited fits.  But with years of trauma, which I’m still trying to understand, I feel that I pick someone because they are interested, ignore the negative, and hang in there hoping for attention when given.  When they are back and forth like K in some ways it is like a drug, a familiar drug- my mother a little.

Lindsey

Anita,

ok I definitely will.

Lindsey

Anita,

I agree good advice and I will take it.  Why do I feel awful?  I’m worried that I will not get a text confirming later tonight and it’s ruining my day.  My anxiety is ruining my day.  It’s like a brick in my stomach and today is going by at a snails pace.

Lindsey