Anita,

Where do I start? I just had a cycle of mania/depression.  I think I have them anywhere from 3 to 6 months apart. Some worse than others.  My depression meets ever classic checklist. It hit Thursday and I’m still pulling myself out but am starting to feel better today.  I’m not 100% sure of my mania. I know I was having good days  over the last few weeks. Maybe you have some insight. Definitely more impulsive and less patient this always comes out at work.  But my stress has been building.

So now again is the fixing. Looking up natural remedies for anxiety, less caffeine, until the next cycle hits. It takes its toll.

Lindsey

Anita,

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now but I think it’s my depression.  I can’t really answer why or what is leading up to this I’m now realizing it’s my depression acting up and it’s maybe been here for a few days.  Definitely the stress of mediation and my mom has not helped.

I feel weepy, almost in tears several times today.  Looking at the clock just trying to make it through today as I’m not coming in tomorrow.  My depression also makes me look for reassurance from others, talking about the stress of work etc.  I feel like there is a spot light on my and everyone can see even though really they can’t – this is what my brain is telling me.  K has been quiet and I just can’t even deal with that crap right now.  Maybe him not talking is a good thing currently.

I’m not sure what to do.   My mom is coming for a visit next week and I just said fine-can’t deal with you right now-I just will not be around much when you are here visiting and helping with the kids b/c ex is out of town.  She said I should have made an effort on my own to come to her and offer to come with the kids the week before Christmas or the week after and is really upset me.

Lindsey

Anita,

It’s been kind of a rough morning.  It seems like stress can build up with me and I don’t realize it until it slaps me in the face.  I’m a bit more reactive, easily irritated, etc.  I don’t see these things until afterwards.   Yesterday I was  stressed out at work as mediation was at 2pm and I was worried about it.  A customer ended up asking for my supervisor complaining about me.  Mediation went ok, we just have to go back in 2 weeks to sign paperwork but it just didn’t improve my mood at all.

This morning I can see things clearly.  I was overly stressed out yesterday, was reactive at work (my reactivity has been building) and now I just feel bad about myself.  The problem is now I will be hyperaware of my reactivity and better at work with customers but in about 3 months I will start to downslide.  I just feel embarrassed- K and everyone else that sits next to me at work must have noticed.  My mom is coming next week to help with the kids because my ex is going out of town for a week.  I think the best thing to do is not really be around her much, just let her spend time with the kids.

I just feel like people around me can see my stress level and reactivity and I’m embarrassed.  I feel like I’m riding the crazy train and no one wants to be around me.

Lindsey

Anita,

Ok so I think I know what is really behind this recent anxiety.  One, mediation is next week so I feel a bit stressed waiting for it.  Mostly-I’m realizing honestly to myself that K is not right for me the more I get to know him.  I’ve said similar things before to you but thought in my head if he wanted more I would say yes.  Now-I would prbably say no.   I think sometimes working right next to someone is almost like living with them to a less degree.

He is a good person but he is not…trying to better himself.  I see the age difference to an extent.  He likes drinking and watching football and playing the fantasy draft online…and just kind of staying as is.

It’s hard to explain.  It’s also hard to admit to myself because once my mind is focused on something, it can be hard to let that go.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’ve noticed something since yesterday that I’ve been thinking about and want y0ur input.  I feel like (and I hate to admit this because it sounds immature) there are times at work that I’m maybe a little more vocal or talk a little more or just am a bit louder because….well, I’m seeking attention from K.  I really hate to type that lol.  I mean to an extent I’m seeking attention and that’s human nature.  Anyway, I’m going to take it hour by hour and try to just be quiet and not talk too much.  I’m not going to be completely silent, just try to be I guess more “normal.”

Lindsey

Anita,

yes, I will try these things as soon as it starts.  I am waiting too late to try and relax.

Honestly I don’t what to do about K either except stick to my rules because they do drastically lower my anxiety and they work.  I think everyone has expectations, it’s part of life.   Thank you for saying not to worry, it makes me feel better.

Lindsey

Anita,

I hope you are feeling better today, you sound better.  So the good news is I did not break a rule yesterday and my anxiety went away in about 1-2 hours.  The bad news is I got anxiety yesterday.  I think my counselor meant well with how she interpreted K’s meaning of expectations.  While I do believe he meant don’t have expectations that we will become more than friends right now and don’t push for it, really I should have no expectations at all for anything with him.

And it is normal for him not to say bye when he leaves, he’s gone all day or days without speaking I know this.  I agree my counselor’s view on the expectations comment brought back feelings of rejection/separation from my mother.  However, at the time I just kind of went in a panic and felt like/still feel like saying don’t have expectations means in some ways don’t count on me.

This anxiety is really like the devil.  Just when you think you are getting better there is a set back.  K sent a text at about 9pm last night after he came home from happy hour.

Lindsey

Anita,

Yesterday I had mediation for the divorce, 1 of 2 sessions for the finances.  It was stressful because my ex is not very happy with the amount he will have to pay.  There will be some disagreements in the next session but the mediator gave me some advice afterwards. She had him leave first and then told me to stick to my guns with the finances and with what I’m asking for. I’m pretty grateful for her advice.

I’m feeling tired and worn down  from all this.   Also I think when things are calm sometimes I look for chaos and I really want to look at changing that.  Kids come over tonight until Friday which will be good.  K is talking and acting normal right now.  I just feel kind of drained.