Anita,

Thank you for that.  I need to remember to keep my distance or I will be repeating the same patterns of behavior that end up effecting my mental health and my mood.   It’s so easy to fall back into past habits.

I’m doing ok so far.  Hope you are doing good to.

Lindsey

Anita,

Yesterday was a rough day with anxiety and it continued all evening until the morning (about the stress of work) but I looked in the mirror this morning and told myself to make it work no matter what.  I’ve been struggling in the new area mostly because we talk with angry customers all day and it’s really taxing and hard.

Today has been well….my ex called me this am and said someone had broken into the car….then it was they stole the car from the airport.  So apparently he left the car unlocked with the keys in it.  My mom is coming on Sunday and I guess he was leaving it for her to drive.  So I had to file the police report because it had to be done in person and he is out of state for work.  The police think they will find the vehicle.

So yeah.  Today I feel like I’m managing my anxiety better.  K said something earlier and I spoke with him but I do not like him as a person anymore.  I just don’t really want to have anything to do with him besides talking at work.  The feelings are still there and I’m hoping they will just go away over time.  I just think he is toxic for  me.

Lindsey

Anita,

As the morning passes on, the more I hear K laughing with his coworkers the more annoyed I get.  I just do not understand this at all.   While I think it is best for us not to have any type of close friendship this really bothers me and hurts my feelings.   I was just wondering your thoughts.  I know there have been periods when he has not talked to me but never when I sit across the wall from him like this and hear him talking to other people.  It is just really hurtful.

Lindsey

Anita,

Yes I agree 100%.  I will continue doing what I’ve been doing.  Coming into work and working (lol) and acting normal.

What I’ve learned is that I am not really read to date #1.  #2 I could do better ( I know that reads kind of harsh but it is true) #3. Setting boundaries are not as hard as I thought they were and I need to have more of them in place.

Lindsey

Anita,

I think I need to work on making things daily habits that are calming so that when I do experience distress and start to go downhill, I have my habits to try and help me as much as they can.  I’ve also cut out drinking coffee, switched to hot tea, no soda, and am researching eating foods that help with anxiety.  Looking into eating less gluten.  I already am taking supplements that help anxiety.

Going to try and just build things around me that help me mentally.  I used to have that before kids and then it was all kind of stripped away because the kids were my first priority.  K continues to be quiet and not talking. I kind of hope it says that way to an extent.  It’s more peaceful for me in general.

Lindsey

Anita,

So far so good. My breaks are more 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours depending.  I’d like to understand why I seek out more chaos when I’m in chaos.  It’s almost like a drug addict.  Only afterwards everything is so clear and seems so easy.

But like people with bipolar disorder who get off their meds when the feel better, I tend to take up unhealthy habits when I’ve been well for awhile.  Caffeine, bad food, more projects, etc

Lindsey

Anita,

I asked her if I sounded short or rude on the phone because I thought my problem is how I say things not what I say.  She 100% agreed saying there were a few times she heard me on the phone and kind of cringed.  I was like oh boy.

My close friend Ben said he noticed that my behavior has been erratic the last few weeks.

The main problem is I don’t know when I’m going downhill.  Sometimes when I’m about to hit bottom I realize something is not right but I am unable to hold onto that thought for a solution if that makes sense.  My friend Ben’s description as “erratic” I believe hits home.   I cannot focus on one single thing,  I get easily irritated but move onto the next thing quickly, pile things on top of one another.  Kind of like if you were going into a supermarket lets say, for the first time, and you are hungry but only have $5.00.   There are hundreds of options in front of you to pick from.  Most of them don’t have the price on the item.  And you are walking around trying to 1. find your way around the store.  2. find an employee who knows the price.  3. find something cheap.  4. It’s super crowded and people are yelling.

Lindsey

Lindsey

Anita,

i agree. She gets here next Saturday. Not planning on sticking around much. How can a person be so responsible for my mood fluctuations? I always thought it was more genetic but maybe not?

Lindsey