Anita,

Damage control status:

1. The rumors about mark were not going all around the office like he said.  I spoke with 2-3 different people this morning that r friends from different areas/friend groups/male and female if there were any rumors 8 months ago. All of them said no not at all.

2. It doesn’t appear I have a reputation in the office  and I never dated K.
3. absolutely no more men dating/possible dating in the office.

4. Moving desk pending work tomorrow. It’s a big deal to move your desk and people will talk so need to make sure it’s needed.

Lindsey

Anita,

I feel like I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I should.  It’s like my brain is a magnifying glass emotionally.  Do you think it’s from anxiety?  I’m just trying to figure out if this stuff has always been here.  It’s frustrating because I feel like things that happened to me in my marriage has continued to put my anxiety on steroids per say.  I also wrote something above.

Lindsey

Anita,

Not sure where to start.  Time feels like it is going by super fast.  I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.  Mine was pretty low key and low stress.  My ex and I got along fine during brunch, then we took the kids to the movies, and I took them to a friends house to see her bunny.  They stayed the night with their dad because I had to work the next day.

Some things have happened with K in the last few days that came to a head today.  He continued trying to reach out to me in small ways at work and I pretty much ignored.  However, he spoke with me directly yesterday thanking me for handling a file of his.  I blocked him from most of social media and he continued to view some of my pics on Instragram.  This morning I basically said to myself, I’m going to tell him exactly how I feel. So here is what I wrote:

• “I need to get this off my chest.  Where things bothering me that I never said to you? yes.
• Were you being an as*hole the last 2-3 weeks before I said leave me alone? yes.
• Did I find out a few things I seem to need from someone I like that might be a little extra b/c of what happened to me in my marriage? yeah.  I found out that sometimes I need reassurance and that my anxiety sometimes flares up over dumb stuff and that I feel like anyone that enters my life will leave me or disappoint me? yes.
• But I don’t know that I’m willing to ask anyone for reassurance. And you have a disease that you are not willing to get help for. And it effects all your relationships.  Do I blame you? Absolutely not. At 30 I was working at a horse barn for $9 an hour running away from all my problems.

This morning he asked to talk with me.  I was really nervous so it’s kind of foggy in my head.  But I told him I was sick of riding on his roller coaster.  He is very up and down.  He would not address or discuss the stuff about him in my message.  I told him I’m not surprised at all about that.  He wanted me to not be upset with  him, basically for everything to be fine.  He didn’t want me to be mentally upset all the time with him or anything.  I told him that we were not dating so I’m not really upset it’s just we both have issues and I’m learning stuff about myself sense my divorce.  He agreed we both have issues and that going through a divorce is really hard.

So what have I learned from this?  I’ve learned that sometimes not saying anything is the best closure.  That if you know what is going to happen or what has happened in the past, you shouldn’t be surprised that you feel disappointment and some sadness.  That’s exactly why I got off the ride.  I’m struggling to feel good about my self.  I’m struggling with the fact that I feel I have so many problems with my relationships.  So I’m taking tomorrow off as my one personal day off a month for me to refocus and try and feel better about myself.

Lindsey

Anita,

It seems you have this ability to say things that cut right to the heart; usually it’s something I need to hear but didn’t even realize it.

At work today but not wanting to be here.  Slept yesterday and hoping to feel better soon.  Hope you have a good Friday!

Lindsey

Anita,

Happy Tuesday.  Tonight my daughter is performing a half time dance at a local middle school basketball game and I’m pretty excited about watching her.  Work is super stressful and busy but just trying to stay organized and come in a bit early and take breaks during the day.  My kids are traveling with their dad to see my parents this Thursday to Sunday.  I’ll be picking them up from the airport Sunday.  I made sure to communicate with my mom about telling me before hand if my ex is going to hang out with them so I don’t see it on facebook.  She stated he is just dropping them off and going to stay with his family but I’m prepared to see him hang out possibly with my family too; it happened last time he visited.  Although this situation is weird with no boundaries, I’ve been learning to accept it for what it is.  My parents do not have boundaries and never have so I make sure to communicate with them and just try to not take anything personally.   They are taking the kids to Disney for their Christmas present and my kids will  have a blast and so will my parents.

K has not reached out to me and I have not made any eye contact with him when passing at work.  However, yesterday he stood up and came to my desk and assisted me with a work issue and pretty much saved my butt.  I said thanks and we kind of left it at that.  Thursday is our Thanksgiving Lunch at work and I was thinking about setting aside a cupcake and banana bread that I’m making and leave it at his desk.  Right now I’m back and forth between doing it.  I don’t want to invite anything back into my life that I worked hard to fix.

Lindsey

Anita,

Hope this email finds you well.   It’s crazy how doing something you are so afraid of turns out to be the best thing you could have ever done.  Stopping all communication with K has increased my self esteem and self worth.   There was definitely a day or 2 of sadness but it has resolved.  I see him now for what he is; full of sh*t and a very unhappy person.

Focusing on work and my kids.  We are doing good and getting ready for the holidays and a cold winter.  Getting used to these healthy decisions but I really like them lol.  Excited about going to Yoga and Goats on December 7th at a local barn with a friend.  The baby goats have sweaters!

Lindsey

Lindsey

Anita,

I have been noting this week on my calendar that I was feeling a little down, not as great as I was feeling for the last 3-4 weeks.  Also, I told K last night that I was done and to leave me alone.  Long story short, there have been a few things that have happened in the last 2-3 weeks that have been leading to me saying this to him.   It’s interesting because I thought I would be more upset than I am; I’m not sad at all actually.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel pretty proud of myself.  I think this things will become easier to do as I continue to heal and realize what is good/bad for me.

Lindsey

Anita,

We have to go to the courthouse on Friday am to file.  We have to go in together and thought we could do most online.

I think I am ready to make the next step with K and adjust to ignoring.  I know that is the best thing for me and I believe that it will be hard to do at first but in the end the best for me.  I just walked past him in the hall and he didn’t look at me but was on the phone.  I don’t know.  This is hard to navigate for me.

Lindsey