Anita,

Since last March I have started a mood stabilizer called Lamtrogine that has really improved my mental and emotional health.  I am doing great at work and have been in a healthy relationship for the past 6 months.  My outbursts and how I handle the situation with my ex husband has improved.

I’m not sure how to explain my  toxic situation with him because there are so many stories/examples/arguments.  I think the best thing to do is give you 2 examples.  the first deals with how he treats me now that he is in a serious relationship.  The relationship started last January. This incident occurred last summer – July? not sure.

Ex stated to me that he needed to pick up our daughter early to take her to an end of the season softball party with the other players.  Because of COVID  no parents can attend, just coaches and players.  I arrive with the kids to our drop location.  His girlfriend and her son are in the vehicle.  I ask him what’s going on since he said no one else can attend the party.  He stated “it’s for family only. So Amy and I are taking the kids.”

The 2nd example occurred the beginning of this week.  We only communicate via email which was my idea. I found out that he is going away on vacation for 10 days in May.  I inquired about this and the kids since he will be gone.  He stated that his girlfriend, we can refer to her as “A” is keeping the kids.  I stated that is not acceptable.  If one custodial parents is gone on vacation etc, the other parent has the children.  He kept saying that it was too much for me, she was fine to watch them, she knew their schedule. He stated they already had this set up.  I stated that I will keep them 2  additional days and “A” can keep them the remaining 2 days.  I stated in the future they will stay with me if he is gone.  I did not receive a reply from him.

Anita,

Ok.  I agree with you-it’s just hard to see that with this guy.  I definitely saw that with the other men I briefly spoke with on the app.    This was my first online experience.  But… I’m just sensitive and take things too much to heart I know.

Lindsey

Anita,

So yeah I texted him about 2 hours ago.  I had an idea that he was giving the brush off.  In a sense I was wanting it to be done and over with instead of watching the hours and days go by with no messages from him.  Especially sense on the app I found him on, you can go in and see if they are active online and he never was.   So he responded fine and then I asked him to send some funny videos later and he never replied.   So I asked what was wrong why was he being weird.  This was on snapchat and you can see when they open the message.  After about 10 minutes I just deleted by message, deleted his number, and unfriended him on facebook and snapchat.

So in the end, I didn’t get my answer.  I have no idea what happened in the span of a day.  I have a rock sitting in my stomach.  My mother said being divorced twice and 5 kids would have been a red flag for her, plus the long distance, 3 hours.

I feel awful.  Awful for staring to like this person and just awful in general.  I don’t feel like I’m cut out for any of this stuff.

Lindsey

Anita,

Well when I wrote “why is that” to his remark of it being a pretty good month, I used an emoji that I was joking around.  It was a smiley face winking.  I think he understand I was joking….I don’t see how he couldn’t….I’m not sure how to respond or move forward.  I think that’s the thing with texting and video.  It’s not a back and forth threat.

Lindsey

Anita,

I think I have seen parts of Unforgiven.   I’m going to do some self care Sunday activities lol.  Hope you have a good Sunday. And I will try and focus on what you said; it’s definitely true but hard to grasp in the moment.

Lindsey

Anita,

I agree with what you are saying.  It is the same type of feeling in my stomach with M and with my mother.  However, is it that simple? I feel like there are some other reasons too.  We were married for 11 years and together 12.  I’ve also been thinking this: he was so adamant that I was cheating on him during our marriage or looking at men.  He was very angry when we separated and said I better not bring any man around the kids.  Even at Christmas lunch, he was trying to look at my phone to see who I was texting and would try and sneak behind my shoulder.   And he’s found the love of his life after 2 months?

I feel like I am sitting here surrounded by…..seagulls.  And I have to use an umbrella because they are flying and the poop keeps raining down on my head.  All the things he has done and said to me are still raining down on me.  I have to deal with the aftermath.

Am I coming up with excuses for  my feelings?  I don’t know.  I do know that I’ve done some additional research.  And what I’m doing without knowing it is “parallel parenting.”  Lots of people do that when the ex spouse is a narcissist and they just can’t get along.  I’ve blocked his number, blocked him on social media, only talk now through email.  No contact at all if possible.

Lindsey

Lindsey: I will not continue these conversations with you.  I get sucked in and it just keeps going and gets ugly.  No more.  I’m ready to block you number and email because the entire thing is unhealthy and sick.   I’m blocking your number. Send me emails from now on.

Jon: No

Lindsey: if you need me send a email

Jon: just stop texting

Lindsey: No

Jon: Emergencies etc could happen.  And I don’t look at email.  Just stop texting negative sh*t and stick to the plan.

Lindsey: You start it half the time Jon.  This is a 2 way street here.

Jon: Just Stop!!

Lindsey: blocking. I’ve had it. Start checking your emails now.

Jon: That is a very bad decision. I won’t review emails. I’m done texting you.

Lindsey: check emails

Jon: not doing it.  Bye. Plus we FaceTime the kids and that is in our divorce decree.  I’m not texting you anymore or responding to anything unless it’s about the kids.

Also, I think he is extremely insensitive and does not think that hurting me will have an effect on his children.