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lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yesterday after work I went up to the softball fields to watch my daughter. Because of scheduling conflicts (I was working until 6 and my ex husband was at a meeting for travel baseball for my son) I was not able to take her to the field or take my son to football camp. Apparently his girlfriend “A” took them. I think she does the majority of driving for the kids. I was supposed to pick my son up at 7 from football camp and take him to the softball game. When my ex texted me at 7 (he was driving to the game) I asked him to pick up my son on his way to the softball field so I could watch my daughter bat. He comes up to the game (he’s also her coach-he coaches at least 3 teams right now) he had not picked up my son. I went up to the dug out and asked him why. He was rude and said I needed to go pointing to a high school about 4 football fields away. I asked him where exactly it was. he never told me at any point where exactly campe was. he was rude so I said no. Apparently his girlfriend had walked to get my son. My ex made a minor scene in the dug out in front of kids-they were staring at him-and said I needed to thank “A.” He was also walking to the 2nd game for my daughter at another field and walked beside me saying a comment while I was walking with our daughter. I told him to stop. he was walking with the softball assistant coach and proceeded to tell her what happened. He also said I needed to thank “A.”
Before the 2nd game started I went over to “A” and said thanks. She responded in a very angry manner “that’s your job” I said wow-my ex comes over with the kids stuff and said “I don’t know what to tell you” I took the bags said “I feel sorry for you guys” and as I was walking away she yelled “I feel sorry for your kids”
I left the game. I felt very embarrassed because other parents heard. I do not want to be a part of divorced “scenes” in public.
I’m very concerned with my well being and with these situations that seem to escalate. About 3 weeks ago at my son’s baseball game the girlfriend “A” walked past me very close almost bumping into my shoulder obviously on purpose.
I do not want to be involved in these things and do not know how to prceed. For both of them this topic of I don’t care about the kids sports and don’t come to the games is a theme. (I go to most of the game) This is one of their attacks. Most people would say ignore it it’s just divorce common arguments but Anita I don’t feel this is common. I want to consult an attorney but I don’t know that they can provide any help.
I feel 1. I should have just walked over to the fields to get my son. 2. I should not have gone over and thanked “A” like my ex suggested. Please help
Lindsey
lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes it was when I went to college. I would say emotional abandonment. I felt her love was and is conditional; when she was available to me I felt fulfilled. I would say I did anything for her approval and took her backlash without question.
There are some things about S that I have not told you and I do not know where to begin. I can say I ignore red flags. This is all textbook behavior-I know. To start off with he smokes and it bothered me. I told him that I wished he would quit-he gave excuses. In my opinion he smoked too much marijuana and borderline drank too much. He seemed lazy and not quick to pay for things. He didn’t make much money maybe that was why. I felt that he loved his girls and wanted to be around them but he never really took them anywhere. His youngest daughter who is 7 stayed with me a few times. The last time she stayed over he didn’t stay and the next morning she wanted dunkin donuts and it was about 8:30am. Apparently he told her the night before he would bring donuts when he came to get her. I called him and he said he still couldn’t find his wallet. She called him again at 10am to come and get her. He sleeps a lot. As I write these things (and I didn’t want to but the more I thought about it I wanted to tell you) I cringe.
Another thing I do not want to write down is while my ex husband was verbally abusive I got used to that behavior. His jealously was his way of showing that he cared. He was always following me around and it was his way of showing he cared. while his behaviors were obviously very unhealthy it’s what I knew; codependency from him is what I was used to. Similar to people with narcastic qualities once he got a girlfriend all of his behaviors stopped. Overnight he began looking at me like I was an annoyance-a bother-someone that he replaced and all his attention was on them.
I don’t know what to think-Lindsey
lindseyParticipantAnita-
Some important things happened this weekend. First, I traveled to St Louis to see my son play in a baseball tournament. My parents met me there and I brought my dog. I was excited to see my parents and also the kids since it was their dad’s weekend.
We had a disagreement about how much my mom would talk with my ex because of past situations that made me very upset. At this point I do not think I should continue a back and forth about her behaviors with him. I personally believe she will continue to make small talk and stay on his good side no matter how I feel so she will always have access to her grandchildren. I’ve started to except that this is how it is. My parents agreed with me I would drove home Saturday versus Sunday while they hung out with the kids. My ex made it clear to them that they could join activities with himself and his girlfriend. While I wanted to spending time with them and the kids I knew this was another disaster waiting to happen.
I was able to spend time alone this weekend and come to some conclusions. My episode of anxiety started a month ago when S started to withdraw b/c of his grandfather’s death. While I tried to keep myself from being needy and worried I believe it still happened and it was obvious; it may have pushed him father away. The anxiety I felt was very bad and took a toll on me in every way. I believe I should seek counseling to address the strong sense of abandonment/anxiety I have felt with relationships.
Also-S called crying Friday morning. His oldest daughter has Leukemia. This is awful news and I feel so bad for him and his family. I cannot see myself being able to handle this kind of news if it was my daughter. I believe now I am going through what will take about a week to separate myself emotionally from the relationship and relieve the rock in my stomach. I do not see this relationship lasting. He will be in Memphis for 6 weeks at a time for 6 months. I do not feel that I would be able to hold a relationship together if I were in his shoes.
Everything happens for a reason.
Happy Monday-Lindsey
April 16, 2021 at 11:21 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377883lindseyParticipantAnita –
I don’t mind at all sharing about my boyfriend. We can call him “S.” We met last July but did not start dating until the end of November. I feel the relationship is very healthy and he is very special to me. I have shared some of my struggles along with having anxiety if I do not hear from him text wise and he has been understanding. He has also shared some of his issues and I don’t mind helping him through those issues either. He has 2 girls that are the same age as my kids (1 girl & 1 boy) We have had sleepovers. His parents are great. He feels bad about my ex. Like other people he has shared that he feels ill equipped and not sure how to give advice as he has never dealt with someone like that. But he is supportive.
As far as the ex and girlfriend yelling…well I do know that the girlfriend is very strict in an old school kind of way. I have yelled at the kids or lost my temper. Does it seem more intimidating when a man yells? I think so. Is it to the point where the kids are truly upset and crying to not go to his house? no. So I’m keeping tabs. I try not to focus on the way his house is run because there is nothing I can do about it unless the kids come to me with something serious.
Lindsey
April 16, 2021 at 8:58 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377871lindseyParticipantAnita,
He uploaded the app I recommended with the following: “no matter how much communication I have provided, including managing all schedules, you continue to be inconsistent, combative, and change the methods of communication which creates coparenting challenges. I do not actively call or text or email as that is an appropriate boundary but you have failed to follow that…”
April 16, 2021 at 8:45 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377870lindseyParticipantAnita,
My ex and I had discussed getting my daughter in other activities. I pushed this because she is not athletic and I did not want it to start effecting her self esteem. He puts the children in numerous sports activities. while I think it is great for my son it’s not so good for her. He signed her up for cheerleading per us both deciding that was a good call.
With soccer-like many discussions he will take something and run with it in a different direction. I told him I do not want her to play basketball the next season. He pushed for softball to continue and I said OK. We briefly talked about soccer leaving it open for the next session.
I’m trying to get her into an Art class. My boyfriend’s daughter who is Ella’s age takes the class and really enjoys it.
I just requested him to upload the AppClose because I no longer wanted to communicate via email or text. He uploaded the app so hopefully this will help.
April 16, 2021 at 8:00 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377868lindseyParticipantAnita-
1. she and Aiden have both expressed they are afraid to say things at times because their dad and Amy get upset and can be mean. (yelling)
2. Yes I believe he is being defensive? about me sharing what Ella wants or needs.
3. I have no idea what he is talking about soccer being my decision. We have discussed getting her involved in art classes and dance because she is not athletic in general with no set sessions? or times in the future.
April 16, 2021 at 7:39 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377864lindseyParticipantAnita
I don’t really know where to start. It seems that having to rely on me or me having the kids during his time when he is not available is a big trigger for him. Yesterday there were several emails sent to me-I felt they were unrelenting and to a certain extent kind of disturbing. I will provide portions of his emails below:
Lindsey: “Ella is upset that her soccer cleats are too small and they hurt when she plays. She prefers I tell you. I’m going to buy her some new shin guards and socks mostly for practice. She said she wants different shin guards”
Ex-husband: “I’m getting very frustrated by the tone of your emails. They are not at all indicative of our kids and seem very intentional on your part. I ask the kids and try everything on them every sports season. I just did the same for both of them for baseball/softball and they have all new equipment. This is also her last soccer season because of your decision and so investing in new equipment with a few weeks left makes no sense. Interesting that you want to do that now in her last season after not brining her to the game last weekend. You have pink socks of hers that I bought. I just don’t get it. Also her cleats fit fine with room”
Lindsey: Stop taking your crap out on me. I have no idea what to buy so I’m not going to worry about it.
April 15, 2021 at 1:10 pm in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377796lindseyParticipantAnita-
An incident happened with the ex today I wanted to talk with you about. And how you think I handled it. I have some opinions as well for improvement maybe. It seems impossible to an extent.
Lindsey
April 15, 2021 at 7:17 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377775lindseyParticipantAnita:
I do believe he uses my mental health for manipulation. He justifies his behavior by pointing out things I am doing wrong. That I am to blame for the unhealthy situation we are in as ex spouses trying to co parent. He refuses to discuss any wrong doing on his part or apologize.
So to move on I’ve got to figure it out I guess. For me.
April 14, 2021 at 2:18 pm in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377721lindseyParticipantAnita,
Here is the crazy part to my situation. My ex is on the school board committee where our kids go to elementary school. He coaches all of their sports and does baseball/softball coaching on the side. He is a manager at State Farm with good standing at his job. His facebook reads like he has the perfect life. (as social media does) They have family pictures all over the walls of their house (I went there for Christmas morning. My idea to do it- I can elaborate it’s worth hearing (maybe). He has bought a ton of expensive items for the house and kids and totally redid the house.
He is actually a pretty good dad? He’s decent/good. His girlfriend is extremely strict and not very maternal. My kids are not fans of her rules. But overall? It could be a lot worse.
Now I know who he really is but no one else does. He takes out a lot of his frustration on me still. Do I think it’s not like that behind closed doors? no.
The thing is I don’t want to know or care about any of this. I’m climbing a wall and it’s slick and my feet keep slipping. the rope burns my hands and my arms are shaking. I’m getting to the top it’s just very slowly.
April 14, 2021 at 12:54 pm in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377715lindseyParticipantAnita,
No I definitely did not feel embarrassed by anything I said or you said in the previous threads from before March 24th, 2020. I just feel that I was not well and struggling…struggling a good bit.
I am very hard on myself about certain things and forget that everything comes full circle; things end up working out in the end. For example after all the issues with “K” he texted me about 2 months ago and came over basically crying and wanting someone to talk to because his live-in girlfriend of a year broke up with him. He stated he realized he had no friends and I had always been a good friend to him. I gave what advice I could to someone who doesn’t take advice.
So I really do not know what to think with the ex. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s a lot of why’s I guess you could say. I don’t feel like I deserve any of the things he does. But that’s life I guess.
Lindsey
April 14, 2021 at 11:03 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377704lindseyParticipantAnita-
I remember and I will look into the guided mediation. I feel like I’ve exhausted most of my efforts at this point.
So how are you? did you survive COVID?
Also, do I seem better or see it hard to tell?
April 14, 2021 at 9:54 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377695lindseyParticipantAnita,
I agree. Attorney cost would be around 5k as a rough estimate which I do not have currently. I am saving but it will take awhile.
Do you have any insight on how to properly handle my stress and anxiety when dealing with him? I feel like I am focusing on the negative with my response behavior towards him versus focus on all the good things I have going on in my life. I do well for awhile and then get upset with him and go down the rabbit hole, then feel bad about my behavior.
So it makes me feel helpless.
Lindsey
April 14, 2021 at 7:48 am in reply to: Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities #377686lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes he lied about parents not allowed to the party and took his girlfriend and her son.
I read your second response and thought about it. I just sent my ex an email stating I will keep the kids the entire time he is on vacation. Our mediation paperwork lists “First right of refusal” stating the off duty parent will be given the first right to keep their children if the on duty parent is unable to directly care for the children. (he will be on vacation)
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