Anita,

Does my brain shut off during this situation with “S?”  I cannot understand why I would put my self in a situation like this that is so unhealthy for me.  I do not want to say he is a bad person but…he’s not good.

This is my fault really.  I’m so worried about people noticing that I have mental health issues when they meet me and get to know me.  I don’t think it’s about that.  I think that my issues with self worth and self esteem make them wonder if I have issues.

I have got to get myself together.   yesterday was just embarrassing and self destructive.  I blocked him on all social media.  I deleted his number but probably should have blocked it.  Which I will when he decides to text.  I have a really good male friend and so far he has been right about everything and I have not listened to him.  “S” will reach out at some point.  And when  he does I will not answer and then block the number.  My friend stated he reaches out to me because he has access and is making sure he still has access.  He does have feelings but they are all on his terms and he is happy with the situation.  He doesn’t care about my feelings or my happiness.  This really does not read as a good person.

Lindsey

Anita,

I feel like I made a mistake. I’m back to the Tuesday after I broke up with him to an extent.   Yes I went to the pool last weekend and this past weekend.  I enjoy it and also doing things and being around my kids. But he just does not go away.  I feel like I will go crazy waiting for him to call.

I believe you are right that he does not follow through with his actions. I do believe he means what he says from what has happened when we are together but for some reason-personality, laziness?  it just doesn’t happen like it should with his actions.  It really sucks for me that I cannot explain myself to him.  I have all these thoughts and maybe I will write a letter.

I don’t understand why this happened and why I could not just ignore his texts.  I feel like I cannot deal with this again. There is no way.

lindsey

Anita,

I agree with you 100% about the hidden bombs.  I’m still not 100% sure I’m going.  I’ve known him for awhile but still waiting on more conversation this week.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’m taking my kids to the dog park. I’ll check in later.

Lindsey

Anita

Happy Friday!  First except when I’m with my kids or with my dog walking, I feel this intense since of loss.  It’s been here all week like a rock in my stomach.

I’m going to be honest with you about some things that I haven’t really shared.  In the past month I’ve lost 10 pounds.  And I didn’t need to lose 10 pounds.  I cut myself this morning on my leg. I hit myself I the face all in the bathroom.  Reading this makes me sound insane… also that I need help.  I texted my counselor about seeing him 1x a week versus every 2 weeks.

I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest.

Lindsey

Anita,

I went to my counseling session this morning and when I saw my counselor Kevin I started laughing. My ex husband and I had gone to a few sessions with him for marital issues at least 4 years ago.  Neither of us remembered the sessions.  Anyway I really like him even though he is a man. (women for me tend to be more comfortable to talk to).

I woke up thinking today was going to be a great day! ….not so much.  I feel like my dog just died-that’s the closest thing I can describe what I feel.

Anyway, we discussed “S” for probably the last 20 minutes of the session.  I started to get upset because at one point he said it sounded like “S” did not want to be in the relationship anymore and I started crying really hard.  At the end we agreed that it was probably several reasons. (it shouldn’t matter to me but it does right now.)  So my next session in 2 weeks he is going to do some type of trauma test.  Obviously this is all a part of my trauma.  He mentioned that I may have rejection sensitivity and I was like absolutely.  Example is me calling “S” on the second day and he not answering-rejection.  The thought that he wasn’t interested anymore at the end of the relationship-rejection.

I said that if I don’t get a handle on this I’ll be in his office in 2 months crying about some guy that treated me bad or did something and now I’m anxiety riddled.  When the fact of the matter is I could have done way better in the first place and I ignored red flags, etc.

So at this point I’m picking up the kids in a few from summer camp until Monday morning. Plan on doing a lot.  we have 2 birthday parties coming up.  I’m also making rainbow cupcakes for my daughter’s end of the season Softball Party.

Lindsey

Anita

I was doing ok yesterday but I woke up this morning drinking coffee and sitting on the couch and impulsively called “S.”  He didn’t answer so I sent a text and never heard back.  So I called him one more time (about an hour later) and he didn’t answer again.  I don’t know if you know much about facebook but there is a message app that’s connected to facebook that tells when someone is online and he was online.

I feel like I have made a very bad mistake.  Because I blocked my number yesterday I have no idea if he responded or what he said after my text wanting to end things.  I also feel embarrassed and kind of giving an impression of being unstable.  I’m sure he knew why I was calling.  This impulsive decision was so dumb.  I ended up blocking his account on facebook, deleting any photos of us and removing his number from my phone. My hope is that I can put this behind me because in reality it isn’t that big of a deal and I’m sure he has more important things to deal with.  I don’t know if my anxiety is just saying he will not call back or maybe he is busy but deep down I do not think he will call. I have no idea and i’m tired of thinking about it honestly.

My counseling session is tomorrow and I have a lot of things to work on.

Lindsey

Anita,

First I am trying (again) to act in a positive manner regarding my kids and putting them first and only talking about that with my ex.  I feel that I was already tested on Friday when I brought over their things.  My ex and Ella opened the door and we were talking about my dog b/c his head was hanging out of the window.  I had him because we were on our way to the dog park. While we were talking his girlfriend came up and in a loud voice was telling my daughter to come up stairs and get ready.  My daughter put her head down and walked away upstairs.  It was upsetting but I did not say anything.  I told myself to focus on when she is with me and showing both of them healthy love and affection.

The second thing I did was break it off with “S.”  Yesterday he told me that he was flying home this Thursday and driving back either Sunday or Monday.  He only spoke of his younger daughter and spending as much time as possible with her and that his Father’s birthday was Saturday and it was all a surprise because family did not know he was coming.  He just said to text him whenever Thursday and was vague about plans for the weekend.

While I believe that he should spend most of his time with his family (and I hope I’m not being selfish) I would think he would want to carve out a few hours to spend time with me-maybe coffee, lunch whatever.  I kept thinking about all of this last night. I kept waking up and finally sent a text to him saying I can no longer be in this relationship.  There is no room for me in it.  You will be gone until September. Your priority is for your oldest to get better and then to spend time with your youngest as much as possible.

I feel some anxiety but when I think about it this was the right decision for me.  I did not include anything negative and I have a good bit of it.  I know text is non personable but I was worried if I called I would back out. I also blocked the number because again I might back out of it if he texted.  I’m just frustrated that I let it get to this point.  I’m also frustrated with his lack of trying and how I was treated and that I was taken advantage of.  However I need to focus on the future.

Lindsey