Anita,

I’m not sure if you have seen the 80’s movie the Never Ending story, but I feel like the boy in the movie.  He has this flying pet dog? that takes him on parts of his journey.  Anyway he goes through a dangerous swamp (that’s all I remember) and other places to reach a princess.  The princess saves the land and he has to rescue her.  I’m on this journey and I have a long way to go.  I don’t think I’m drowning in the swamp (got past the crappy boyfriend/anxiety trap) but I might still be in the swamp.  It’s not promising.

Do you think someone like me who uses men/relationship to forget other issues over time creates an addiction?   Like my brain is wired for anxiety and it wants more and more (addiction) too.

It was really hard the first week or two getting over my  break up with “S” but after that it started to get easier.  Some days (like today) are harder than others.  Especially during work hours.  i start to want to reach out to him.  I just kind of try and get through the feeling.  Most of the time it’s like I just forget.

It’s pretty lonely now. How do you just get self-esteem and self worth enough to not have anxiety in a relationship? I ordered books on Amazon but can you help with how this works?  I also have a lot of issues with my body. I’ve never really talked about it.

Lindsey

Anita,

Hope you slept well over the weekend.  I thinks that’s not the first time you have mentioned that.

I do believe you are right about thinking that I’m an oddity, maybe I make things a bigger deal than they are.  I do think I was struggling for a week or 2. However, that could be hormones as that time of the month is soon.  I do experience times when I’m more impulsive but again maybe it’s not as bad as I think.

I feel like I took a another step up on my healing climb with my ex.  I’m starting to see more clearly not to take their comments personal.

“S” reached out last night via social media.  I blocked him.

Lindsey

Anita,

I think I’m getting the hang of this being alone and working on myself.  I think what is happening for me is that I’m not having anxiety and hyper focused on that.  I’m able to relax in the evening and do some research on myself and reflect.

Do you think that we subconsciously push things or people away?  Like our brain knows something isn’t healthy and it tells your brain how to behave so that person goes away?  There is a man that I speak with-he’s the one that invited me to the lake house-and while I am not interested in dating him, I talk to him (for attention I think-not attractive).  So the other evening I started asking him personal questions about his childhood and to be honest one statement that was just weird lol.  Like I couldn’t really explain what I was trying to say to him.  I believe this was off putting to him.  Especially since he’s not interested.  This is really a good thing that he has not messaged since.

Also a very weird situation happened this past Friday.  It was Aiden’s baseball end of season party.  I got there and I brought my dog and it seemed like everyone was so excited to see him etc. My ex-husbands girlfriend was right there with another parent and my daughter.  “The ex girlfriend” told my daughter give your  mom your backpack so she can take it to the car. (their clothes were in the bag) and I said to her just wait let me set everything down. I had food, the dog etc in my hands. So after that I didn’t think much about it and was talking to the kids. Now-the back packs were sitting in a area with other bags about 1/2 a car length away.  After a few minutes the ex girlfriend says to me here’s Aiden’s back pack and walks over with it.  I look at her and say I saw the backpack over in the other area as I take it. She goes ok just making sure you knew and walked off. I don’t know how to explain her tone other than mocking.  As I write this I don’t know if the atmosphere of the situation comes across.  I know the other parent standing there picked up on her behavior.  So I walked over to the kids and sat there with them.  I looked over and all the parents were standing in a crowd laughing and talking with my ex and his girlfriend. So I just got up and left.  There is more but this is a long post.

Lindsey

Anita,

Why do we do the same things over and over again if there are not positive results?  Why do I engage with my ex knowing the outcome?  Why do I ignore red flags?  (my brain sees it. I say wow that’s not good) but I keep going in the same direction.  Like the red flag is dirt I’m sweeping up and throwing away.  Almost like continuing to swim in a lake full of alligators.  Then I don’t think about it anymore.   I have had for some reason a rough 2 days.  To be honest I know that I cannot be in any relationship I think for a long time.  It’s like smelling something that gave you food posioning so you stay away.  I believe from reading my posts that my fixation with the 2 men really show my disease.  Why do I feel like I talk about this stuff over and over.  Partially because I want a resolution that’s not there. Partially because I want some type of explanation for their behavior.

I just want explanations for why these things happen to me.  I’m the cause and I don’t like it.

On the bright side it is my son’s 8th birthday today.  we are going to do something fun after school and go to dinner.

Lindsey

Anita,

I will definitely do that I think it’s a good idea.  The neighbor may never text back.  I sounded like a weirdo.  But other texts I will too.

Lindsey

Anita,

She is strict in the sense that the kids make their own breakfast,  not allowed to get up or exit their rooms in the morning until a certain time.  Bedtime 8:30 even on weekends and holidays, Only allowed 30 minutes of electronics a day, sit straight up at the table during meals, don’t slouch. Do everything themselves…I can’t remember more.  She threw? tossed a plate across the kitchen counter when Ella went to give the plate to her at the sink.  Ella is a challenging child and the 2 of them butt heads.  My parents found her intense when they met her once at Aiden’s baseball tournament.  They stated she seemed very insecure but covered it up by acting and saying things about women should be independent.  My dad told me he thinks there is not something right with her but he wasn’t sure what it was.

After I had Ella and she was 3 months old, I got up in the middle of the night.  My ex came in the room and I said something rude and he got beside me and raised his fist as to hit me.  After that it became “I hope you die, go kill yourself, go jump off a cliff, shup the F*** up, your a bitch, etc.”  Crowding my space when I walked by, rushing up to me (Aiden was 3 months old one of the times and I was holding him. )  Pointing his finger and jabbing it at my chest.  Extremely jealousy, going through my phone, going through my things, asking me who I was meeting up with when I got dressed up, accusing me of going to met someone when I walked the dogs.. Putting his hands on my once by hitting me extremely hard on the top of my legs/butt during an argument when I was bent over throwing away trash.

He knew I didn’t like sex with him because I would make excuses a lot.  It was more coersive sex versus sexual abuse definitely. He would yell I know you don’t like it why not, who are you sleeping with, I can’t get ha** because you are not interested.  You won’t kiss me or touch me why not?  He would sit on the side of the bed and sometimes I would get up and he would follow me around saying things about sex.

Lindsey

Anita,

I can give a more clear picture of my ex husband.  I think you may understand more. What are some of your questions?

I think he is might be more of my issue than my mother.  Or at least 50%.  It was very bad with him.  When I close my eyes, things that happened are blurry unless I think of a very specific thing.  It’s weird because if you were to say a word I would remember an incident.

Lindsey

Anita,

There is an obsessive component in a lot of my posts that I write to you.  And it’s about  men.  My brain seems to got back and forth and around-erratic really when talking to you about them and my anxiety with their behavior.  It is my brain not wanting to work on what I need- self love and self worth.  I think because it’s easier? But what I go through with my anxiety is harder.

This man “S” is not a good man and has not treated me well at all.  I sit back and I am embarrassed. I believe now that I have some significant trauma possibly from my marriage.  I have not discussed in depth this trauma or how it has effected me. It’s troubling because it seems to be an every day battle with my thoughts.  There is this short video on a social media app called Tic Toc about moving on.  I listen to it a few times a day.

Why do I get side tracked when I have 2 great kids and a pretty amazing dog.  Why do relationships and dating men who are unhealthy take over my life at different times?  It’s almost like an addiction.

Lindsey