Also-

He has pulled away in the last few months stating he has very strong feelings for me and it hurts to be friends and be around me all the time.  I finally told him the other day that I met someone.  He said ok you will not listen to me anyway.  I can’t keep doing this with you and his friend Kim we both meet men and bad choices.

So i think this is the heart of the problem.  I already feel doomed because of his opinion of Jason.  It’s like my mother being disappointed in me and in the end I’m going to pay for it.

Lindsey

Anita,

I need to add some things that I did not mention before.  I just read my message to you yesterday and your response again.

I am going to work this weekend on getting notes together for mediation discussion which is next Friday.  The kids and I may go to the zoo tomorrow or Sunday.  It’s cold here, 30’s up to 50’s but will be warmer this weekend.  I’m glad we can do things and there are no sports practice or games.  Going to the zoo is one of my favorite things to do.

Ok. So. The last two times I met Jason I took the least amount of benzo as possible. The size was like a large crumb.  I took it because I was nervous..  Anita I felt like what it would be like to not have an anxiety disorder. It was awesome really.  But guess what- for 2 days I felt like I had a hangover.  I had increased anxiety-it was pretty bad.  It was like this is the cost for me to be normal.  And I can’t really do it anymore. Who wants a hangover?  I started thinking and I had just filled a new perscription a few months ago because the old one had been expired.  Which means I had been using the old expired bottle  as needed for probably a year.  Which would explain the hangover.  The meds in the old bottle were not very strong.

Also-my friend does tell me to stay away from men in general.  He says that I need someone who is not good looking and not good with the ladies because they will be the nice guys.  He basically said there is no one out there for me.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’m reaching out to the  mediator today and setting up an appointment to start the process with my ex.  I have a friend who is very smart and he is going to help me prep for it.  The kids were with my ex for Halloween which was not fun to deal with.

So regarding the last time we spoke about Marty.  I believe I was a little triggered by some of the statements he made.  However, I found him arrogant and realized he was not look for the commitment I am interested in.  I am already talking with someone else.  This is almost like an experiment to see how soon I recognize red flags and choosing to get out of situations in a healthy manner.  Also it shows how quickly everything moves forward without looking back.

Lots to do this week. The weekend went by way to quick

Lindsey

Good Morning Anita,

It’s supposed to rain all day today so the kids and I will have to come up with some indoor activities.  We were supposed to go to the zoo.  It’s been a fun and relaxing weekend. Tomorrow is back to work.  It should not be too bad I worked about 3 or 4 hours yesterday to catch up.

I believe I ended things with Marty last night.  We were texting and I said I find you funny because I’m interested in you.  He had asked why I though he was funny.  He replied ” I’m flattered. ”  Alarm bell went off.  I think he should have replied thanks I’m flattered I’m interested in you too.  So I said something to him.  He stated I was overthinking.  He wanted to drive down to meet but couldn’t commit past that because he was not sure if he would like me. He should of said that we both may not like each other. No reason to even say he couldn’t commit past that.  There is no commitment.   Another alarm bell.  I realized the vibe I was getting was arrogance.  And I didn’t  like it-red flag.

So I told him yes I over think that part of me.  So he can decide if he wants to deal with it or not and I’m kind of done with the conversation for the night.  Didn’t hear back.

I wonder if I handled the end correctly.  It seemed to be dysfunctional in general.  I didn’t say he was arrogant to him.  I wouldn’t want someone saying that to me.  It felt rude. I feel like this would be a waste of my time.

Lindsey

Anita,

Things have been pretty much normal and stress free when I spoke to you last until yesterday.

For me I believe that the few days or week before I start my  period make an impact on my emotional behavior.  That being said I feel like I’ve been argumentative with my ex  for the last 2 days.  So I’m starting over today.  That’s really all I can do. He’s so awful to deal with.  He brings up such petty things.  He gives instructions on what not to forget all the time with the kids.  The frustration builds up over time.   I found out yesterday that he has hired an attorney.  I was hoping that he would not but really it’s not a surprise.  I do believe things will work out like they are supposed to.  I deserve it.

So I met someone a few days ago really by chance.  I was bored one evening and reopened my account for a dating site that I had not used for probably a year and half.  I actually deleted the app a few times because the guys tend to be a joke.  So  by random I spoke with a man named Marty.  Anita- it is very disturbing I have run to  unhealthy men with red flags.  I was running to them because I was wired that way.  It’s all I knew.  No boundaries.

This guy is so normal.  He is not trying to rush things.  He doesn’t say good morning and goodnight and basically check in during the day.  We have actual conversations.  He doesn’t ask things that are too private.  I do not have any anxiety. I don’t wonder or re read texts.  It’s like I’m interested but if it doesn’t work out whatever.  I don’t feel a sense of attachment.  It’s hard to explain.

Anyway I’m still on vacation and I’m trying to get things back on track like they should be.  Hope you are having a good morning.

Lindsey

Anita,

Do you think emotional hurt or damage is the same as physical hurt. Such as falling and bruising your leg? Initially it doesn’t hurt but then day 1 is bad and day 2 is way worse.

That’s how I feel.  I put myself in this position again. and again. and again.

Not having a great day so far.  Can you tell me something positive or help me? Same conversation. Same results. Same bad feelings about myself

Lindsey

Anita,

So I just called him and ended things. I started out telling him that with my anxiety it’s very hard for  me to deal with open ended things like he doesn’t know when we will get together to talk but we will.  Or he doesn’t know if he wants to get back together at this time.

He then said I was speaking to him in an agressive tone??  That he had told me he wasn’t sure about getting back together but he felt pressure? Why did he reach out in the first place?? I don’t know what he expected from me except a shoulder to cry on?? He was saying all these things about how much he cared for me etc. But on the phone he was a completely different person.

He acted awful Anita.  Like I was a bother.  And no I do not believe he gives what both his daughters need in general.  I am disappointed in myself.  But I am glad I ended it now versus later.  I can guarantee he would not reach out to me again unless he felt like it- which could be a week or 3 weeks from now.  He probably would not have even texted until then.

I feel like I was a toy or something to reach out to when it was convenient to him

Lindsey