Hi Mutubu,

This is how you know where she REALLY stands: She gets to come down and visit YOU! If she hems and haws then you know your answer.

See, this is why I’m not big on long distance and/or online relationships. Real life tends to creep in.

Go see a girl who’s local.

Best,

Inky

Hi Lukey,

If you’re going to go into your girlfriend’s house, then you’re going to have to engage with the mother. Once a week, no more, no less, say, “I’d love to hear all about it, walk to the mail/around the block with us/let’s have a coffee”. Then she is at least out of the house!

If she wants to literally say, “That’s OK, I’ll just sit here alone in the dark”, LET HER. Drop the girlfriend off at the door.

And one thing about time: To a younger person, four years is a lifetime. To an older person, four years is like a blink of an eye. To her, the divorce JUST HAPPENED. Four years to her is like only four months to you.

Best,

Inky

Hi Liz,

Maybe things will get more exciting if you lived in your own place. Seeing you would be an Event, not the default setting of everyday. There would be an element of Mystery about you (what has she been doing all day?). There would be an element of Excitement (she could leave at any time). You could additionally have better Clarity about him.

Just a Thought!

Inky

Hi Frances,

I used to smoke, and if I started vaping for someone instead, that would have been a HUGE compromise! I honestly don’t know a lot about vaping. Can you suffer from second hand smoke from vaping, or is it more that it’s a super bad habit that bothers you?

How I quit smoking was from JUICING! I didn’t juice to break an addiction, I did it because I wanted to eat healthier. But what happened, as you can imagine, is that the more cleansed I got, the more I couldn’t even look at a cigarette! Maybe give him a juice every time he comes over? Go for a walk. Leave happy hippy dippy health books lying around. Worked for me by accident!

Best,

Inky

Hi B,

We can set boundaries with other people. We should also set boundaries with ourselves.

My challenge for you is to not have contact with him for at least a year. Hopefully he can’t procure your number from friends or knows where you live. Ideally you won’t see or talk to him for a year. (Well, ideally never, but let’s start somewhere!)

The other thing is to replace your habit of drinking with another habit. I find Duolingo (a language app) for example, SUPER addicting. Do something like that. If your drinking is an actual chemical addiction at this point, obviously, get help.

That’s a start!

Best,

Inky

Hi sparkle00,

If he gets into a relationship immediately after the breakup you will know that he was just talking out his azz. If, however, his is single for the rest of this year, then know that he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“You can’t get enough of what you don’t want” is a famous Wayne Dyer quote and it is so true.

In your next relationship I want you to Act as If. Act as if you are the most enticing, enchanting person in the world that no young hip tennis player can hold a candle to. Meaning at least keep your mouth shut. Guys are notoriously unskilled at making us feel better.

Best,

Inky

Hi Sophie,

I know you love your boyfriend, but you will probably have to love him long distance. Get a good job even if it’s far from him. When his promotional job or whatever he’s in ends in a few years, HE will be the one making a decision, not you. You do what you need to do.

Best,

Inky

Hi Ana,

One day you may wake up and find your worst fears confirmed: That your boyfriend will leave you. Even though he loves you to bits, sometimes it takes just one thing for the hot water in a relationship to become suddenly boiling.

So before your frog jumps out from the heat, may I suggest NOT living with him.

This way you get the privacy you need now and needed as a child. You get to work out your uncomfortable feelings without a witness or victim. And HE gets to see you for only a few hours at a time when you are fresh and good (a few hours is your limit).

Good Luck!

Inky