Hi Again,

In my mind he has BPD, which is a mental illness. Therefore when he says something hurtful and/or something that doesn’t make sense, that is an expression of his mental illness. If he snarled that you were a pink giraffe, would you believe him? NO! Why? Because you are not a pink giraffe. Did you DO or SAY anything that warranted him calling you a pink giraffe? No! Of course not!

And by the way, what if someone is hurtful and doesn’t have a mental illness, or if the BPD is not to blame? Then that is called a jerk, Lily. You were dating a jerk. Who needs him?

Inky

Hi lil.lilly,

It sounds like he dumped you before you could dump him, honestly. I was reading the whole thing thinking, “Red flag, red flag, red flag”, then “Dump him, dump him, dump him”. Then when I read he dumped you I was honestly disappointed because I had a whole answer thought out for how you should dump him LOL!

Girl, there is a reason why he is divorced! You couldn’t live like that. When you finally date someone nice and normal you will be SHOCKED, and angry at yourself, for letting him treat you that way.

Best,

Inky

Hi Evokun,

Well, it sounds like she’s taking out her feelings of being culturally “bad news” out on you! If all these Asian men have this attitude toward single mothers, she should try to get with someone outside her culture.

I’m hopelessly Western, so I don’t “get” this whole cultural scene. If you don’t acquire the parents’ blessing, will you be thrown out of the family company? Can you still legally get married?

The way I see it you either really want the marriage or the wedding. She KNOWS no one is going to accept her, so why not side step everyone and simply get married at town hall? (My Western upbringing is showing). Everyone will get mad and upset. Let them.

The ONLY consideration is could you support the child? Are you strong enough to strike out on your own if need be?

And reality check: This relationship has only lasted a month through video chat. If it failed so swiftly, maybe good??

Best,

Inky

Hi Michelle,

Sometimes we feel put on the spot, or like we’re doing all the emotional labor in the friendship.

What I would do is have list of statements or stories ready for when she asks how you are.

Then let it flow from there.

Best,

Inky

Hi Jason,

It’s like they are an older married couple: no sex, separate domiciles, shared keys, calling for favors. Are they even separated at all?

Listen: He’s not a stalker. He pays half the rent. Of course he has keys to the place! If I gave money to a household, I would expect nothing less.

Also: It’s very easy for her to get it through his head that it’s really over (this time). The next time he opens the door to deposit flowers he should walk in on a VERY shocked other guy already in her apartment who informs him that he’s NEVER HEARD OF HIM. At least have size 16 men’s boots with fresh mud on them at the doorstep. Jeez.

Lastly: OF COURSE you are entwined in this drama and concerned for her. That’s the plan! I guarantee you that you are thinking more about this relationship than her stale boyfriend. She is in her mid-thirties. Instead of being happily married with children she is bored to tears. Looking at the past. And you looking pretty good in the rearview mirror. Drop the rope. The next time she complains write: “Sounds like a personal problem” and pretend to be sick of the monotony.

Best,

Inky

Hi Baraan,

The first rule I give myself is to take it easy on myself when I am sick. You have a fever. Your are sick. Be all, “All self putdowns are put on hold until I am well.” Your inner critic will start yelling and screaming at this. Tough. You are sick. Physical wellness trumps dealing with pesky emotions.

I’ve noticed that everyone’s “Stuff” is coming up now because of the pandemic. Thus, the angry letter you received. Send the letter back to the person with “There is no reason to write to me that way, you can be respectful to me.” This person may spit and snarl and write you another angry letter. Just keep sending it back with the same response. Yes, even if you were horrible.

When you are better, you can surely travel to see your family.

As for the academia, blame your illness for your rude behavior, then LET IT GO. The school year is almost over (unless you are in a graduate/PHD scene). Write and little and read a little every day. “Put something in the bank” every day.

Feel Better,

Inky

Another Thought!!:

If he emails you once a week, you take two weeks to respond. If he writes ten sentences, you write five. He will either yearn for you or this whole thing will gracefully end. NEVER be the one asking for more. Let him think other men are indeed contacting you because of your brilliance and beauty. Would a brilliant beauty be chasing after some schlub who only writes once a week? (The Mensa answer would be “No”). The person who responds less and has less to say has more power in the relationship.

Mic Drop,

Inky

Hi Cass,

I don’t know if you’ll come back to this, but a new voice here.

This pandemic is showing people who they really are. Now you know this guy does not do well in a crisis. Do you really want a hot house flower or do you want someone flexible, and resilient, with a good sense of humor? Sure, he could be depressed, but that is often an excuse. He could get help, or get off the pot. He chose to get off the pot and end it. OK, well, now he has this black dog depression to deal with without your help. None too bright, either.

You are only twenty-one. I know you feel eons old. But listen, they don’t let you die young anymore. These years are the time for you to study, travel, have fun and do whatever the heck you want to! When you’re ready, say at the ripe old age of twenty-four, take a note from the movie and go on 100 Dates! There should be one in the mix that would be exquisitely perfect for you, even in a pandemic.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Inky.