Home→Forums→Tough Times→Coping With Loneliness
- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Machele.
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June 5, 2020 at 10:55 pm #357717
GuthriesParticipantI’ve always been a loner, I was the only girl and youngest of three kids. My mom was a single mom so I was a latchkey kid and learned at a young age how to keep myself occupied. I’m female so I never needed the support of a group of women to make decisions, make friends, or go places. I was independent and always tried to do the right thing regardless of what everyone else was doing. This has worked out for me. I have two childhood friends who I could rely on for solid advice. I’ve never had a lot of friends around me.
Now I’m living in a new place and having experiences with the abusive contractor, bullying neighbors, and crazy neighbors that have shaken me to my core. Never in my life have had these kinds of experiences. Anger over dog parks. Slander. Dog poop being dumped in my yard. Passive aggressiveness. Gang mentality. Attacks on my character by people who don’t know me.
I’m going through all this alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because she was not supportive at all. I was there for her when she went through her issues but when I tried to discuss my issues with court she would begin to lecture me. I’m disabled and the stress from having to deal with all the complaints, caused a health issue to flare up and made it impossible for me to respond. She blames me for that. I think this is wrong and unfair.
When I was going through my abusive situation, she was silent. She had nothing to say or offer. Again, I was disappointed with her. I just finally told her there was no reason for us to have a conversation again ever. I was under the mistaken impression that friends support friends and heaven knows I listened to enough of her stories and tried to be supportive when warranted and offered advice when necessary.
I’m just out here in a new place alone with no one to talk to really. I have three acquaintances in the community. I wouldn’t dare unload on them. So I sit here in my home every evening, alone. Lonely. Not in peace because I have the next door neighbor from hell.
How can I get past this dark period? It’s been going on for almost a year.
June 6, 2020 at 6:21 am #357730
AliceParticipantHi Guthries,
I hope you are feeling abit better now from when you posted and the intensity of that feeling as passed somewhat.
I can understand, from my experiences in my own life, how things you dont like e.g. loneliness can last longer than you think or would like it to and you just want to hope for an end.
My advice would be “life is what you make it” and so can you list and/or do 3 things that would make your evening sitting in your home every evening better? E.g. is that skyping your family or signing up for volunteering once lockdown is over, or following a new recipe for food, or committing to an online exercise class or reading a good book etc etc. I know all these things are cliches and also only little things and loneliness is so big, but I have learned from experience getting excited about the little things is literally all there is (aside from the occasional big exciting thing).
Maybe you could also go on a walk at night or camp outside or something? Basically anything that is out of the ordinary that would make you feel abit less in a rut and a bit more open to new possibilities.
As for friends, its absolutely okay to just have a few friends. It sounds like you did the right thing by yourself to stay away from your previous friend.. but equally if you feel like you want to reconcile it’s up to you-i would say follow your heart with that, and either way is right.
I would also say everyone is lonely. Deep down in their hearts. You don’t have to live alone to be lonely. I often feel lonely every single day and I live with a boyfriend and a dog and have friends and family. Yet still I feel lonely. So it’s just how it is for most people I think and some people who dont seem lonely maybe are just better at pushing the feeling away. When I feel lonely I tend to read books about loneliness -Murakami books are good as he understands loneliness well or listen to music -thats maybe not the best approach as I do end up feeling more lonely but it reminds me others in time have felt like I do now. Or another option is getting outside for a long walk in whatever weather and that act of getting outside can refresh your mind.
My questions to you are: 1) do you regularly exercise and get outside if you can do? 2) do you have any family you could talk to about how you feel or that friend you mentioned that you are still friends with? 3) are you looking forward to anything, and if not, could you think of anything to look forward to? It doesn’t have to be big, it could just be a nice cup of coffee or watching something good on TV. It’s the little things that keep everything going I think.
I hope you are feeling abit better now and you are not alone in feeling lonely-I current yl feel lonely and so do thousands of other people. I think it’s a human thing.
June 6, 2020 at 6:25 am #357731AliceParticipantAlso you dont have to live where you live. If you dont like your neighbour and she makes your life that miserable, you can either try to ignore it, accept it or move. Moving is 100% an option and it could be a change of scene would be just what you need to feel more like yourself again. No one, not just you, would be happy with a full scale neighbourhood war on their doorstep. That would drain anyones motivation and energy, not just yours, so it isnt anything wrong that you are feeling that way, anyone would in your situation. A year is a long time to be miserable. Would you be willing to consider moving as an option?
June 6, 2020 at 7:53 am #357740
InkyParticipantHi Guthries,
Alice has some really good advice. I would write down what she suggested in list form and do that!
My first instinct would be to move, but that depends on your personality. Often there is a distinct pleasure in outlasting the bad neighbor, co-worker, or situation. In the meantime, scroll around on Realtor dot com. There might be absolutely lovely (better!) places for you to move to.
Duolingo, the free language learning app, believe it or not, is a great for a quick pick me up! They even started a forum discussion topic about that unintended phenomenon!
Best,
Inky
June 6, 2020 at 9:50 pm #357793GuthriesParticipantI’m in California and we’re taking the COVID-19 seriously. We’re allowed out for essentials like food, gas, drive-thrus, etc. No gatherings of people taking place here unless you’re with family. Things are not back to normal here yet.
As far as activities, I have a dog and walk him a couple of times a day. I have one surviving sibling, we talk a few times a week. I exercise regularly. I have plenty of things to do. I have projects I’m working on but that still doesn’t take away the loneliness.
June 6, 2020 at 10:02 pm #357794GuthriesParticipantMoving has been suggested as an option but I doubt those people would be willing to chip in and help me finish the renovation on my home. I have money invested here so I can’t just pick up and leave, it’s not that easy. Besides, I refuse to allow someone to make me miserable. This is a 60 y.o. woman behaving like some mean girl. She’s mentally ill and refuses treatment prefers to get her care from calling the ambulance/fire truck in the middle of the night. I just look at her most of the time but on occasion, sometimes she just annoys the heck out of me.
June 17, 2020 at 9:38 am #358793
MacheleParticipantHello, there’s a lot to dig into here, but here’s my advice to help you get started. And how I would coach you if you were a client (I’m a life coach, btw).
1. Make a firm decision that you are going to take full responsibility for how you feel from this day forward. This will require you to support yourself and to stop going to friends and family to help you feel better. They can’t, we have to do that work on ourselves.
2. The first step in doing this is to always know how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Start journaling. Even if it’s only for 5-10 minutes each morning/evening. Here’s how you do that.
- How do I feel? Write down the one word emotions that you are feeling (Google emotion wheel if you have a hard time doing this, most of my new clients have a really hard time naming the emotion they feel.)
- Next, after you write down all of the emotions you’re feeling, ask yourself why and write down all of your answers. For example. I feel lonely, sad, unmotivated. Why do I feel lonely? Because I don’t have anybody to talk to, my friends never support me, I don’t even have that many friends, I’m all alone, etc. let your brain get all of the fear-based thoughts out of your brain and onto paper. Keep writing and keep asking why until the timer goes off.
- Then, go back and review each sentence that you wrote and write an F next to those that are factual and an S next to those that are a story or a thought. I don’t have that many friends is a story. A fact has to be specific, neutral, and almost scientific. I have talked to 3 people that I know in the last 3 weeks. Continue to determine if each is an F or an S and make sure they are really a fact before writing an F. They often feel like facts but rarely are.
- Anything that you wrote an S next to is your story. And your story is optional. Question all of them. Especially the painful ones. Is that even true? What else is true? Could I be wrong about this?
This is just super basic stuff, but it will definitely give you a place to start and it only involves you so you don’t need anybody in your life to step up so you can feel better.
You can do it on your own. You’ve totally got this, I promise. Start today. Let me know if any of this was unclear or if you have any questions.
Best,
Machele Galloway
macheleg@lifeleapcoaching.com -
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