I am not sure if she asked many times, but I just know she said i don’t care if it was him i would leave him in a heartbeat blahblahblah. she just scared me thinking that i could say something that could end up breaking my family apart. something that was just a fear in my head. how could a fear possibly be capable of ruining my entire home. thats what gave me anxiety. and it was almost OCD knowing that made me anxious and it was more of “imagine if you lied and your whole family was ruined, you have the capability of doing that. its like when ocd people have thoughts to hurt people and its like if you hurt someone you would go to jail, imagine doing that–> triggers anxiety –>you wonder if you did do that and how you are totally capable of it.

so last night, my grandma calls me. I am very close to my grandma and she’s known about my anxiety for years. i tell her about the post, how it triggered me to think omg what if that happened to me and i repressed it, and so i told her i start thinking of anyone that i interacted with in my childhood. i mention my uncle (she doesn’t like him either he’s just sarcastic and rude)and i tell her and she starts laughing omggg danielle just cause you read a post doesn’t mean that happened to you, you were never with that guy alone, you were always a happy kid etc. i felt better discussing it with her and her telling me it was just a trigger not that anything happen. i then text her hey please don’t say anything LOL i don’t want anyone to think i am accusing them of anything etc. her response through text came off that wrong way and REALLY triggered me “she said of course not. and do not tell your dad or grandpa because it would destroy the family and cause so many problems”. so you already know what happened here…. triggered as a 10 year old “omg a fear of mine is capable of destroying the family”. and now i feel like my anxiety is actually WORSE.

I called her back and she reassured me no danielle of course not i don’t think anything happened i am 100% it is your anxiety, if i was concerned i would’ve been asking you questions not laughing. i just meant don’t say anything because men sometimes can’t understand fears and emotions as well and they might take it the wrong way thats all. but here i am…full of worry, once again. just wanting to enjoy my vacation and the holidays.

Thanks for that. Yes no I remember like so so so much I remember my school plays all through elementary, I remember everything about anything. Seriously lol it’s pretty crazy it really is. So again, doubt I would remember so much and some not so good things. Even when I was 10 and went to therapy, she even told my mom my reaction was normal especially anxious children. Again I also tell myself I probably didn’t react so horrible the movie itself, I probably just felt uncomfortable and scared and my heart starting reracing so like all panic attacks, the panic makes the situation so much worse. And that’s why I spiraled, it probably wasn’t even the movie, it was probably just the anxious feeling that made me uncomfortable and crazy. & to teaching our to my mom and asking for reassurance I agree. I tried for probably 9 hours alone but I couldn’t sleep so I needed her to just reassure me that I was normal and I wasn’t around men alone and I was always happy and not scared of him and not scared to interact with him. Because since I can’t remember my entire childhood, she’s the only one that can tell me I was FINE. And again like I always tell you, I was so excited and happy to go home for the holidays and my anxiety had been so well managed and my relationship has been amazing and I’ve been sleeping so good and generally just VERY happy, that anything that I think could trigger a “low point” I panic more thinking “omg what if I get anxious for another 4 months again (like I did when I was 10 & 15) and I am low and depressed and so scared and can’t enjoy the holidays and another upcoming vacation thinking about this. But I have to tell myself I let myself get like that because I was young and unaware what I was even experiencing. I didn’t know I had OCD, I didn’t know anything. So I thought I was crazy for thinking these crazy things like “lie” “imagine you hurt someone” “imagine imagine imagine”, but now that I’m older and I am in control and I have been diagnosed. I am not going to let myself get to those low points because I know I actually have something wrong with me, and there is no reason for it. I just have it. Something didn’t have to happen to me for me to be like this. I have met many kids that have been abused and they are VERY different from me. Very quiet shy timid awkward not social very odd. I was always such a fun kid, until I was 10 and formed pretty much a sort of phobia over older men because of the film. So much of my childhood I was scared and I have to accept that I was scared because I was exposed and shown the idea of something that I was too young to understand and see.

Anita,

thanks for the response always! Absolutely the story could be false, and I’m praying to God that it is. I know that family is all sorts of messed up and crazy and definitely not normal to the naked eye. Of course I read it though and my OCD latches. I know there are tons of beliefs on repressed memories and I didn’t really know if it was something that was actually true since there were so many speculations, so it was always something I put off and tell myself “I would’ve remembered”. So when I see that someone from my howntown experienced my BIGGEST fear that I’ve had in me since I was a 10 year old child, well you can say I had a total meltdown.

One thing about me is that that I have the BEST memory. I remember everything. I remember my graduation when I was 4 years old, I remember random nights with my grandparents and cousins, I remember everything. So I thought to myself, is this some defense mechanism… remember everything so you can’t remember the bad stuff. Even though like you said, I do remember bad stuff. I remember my dad hitting my mom once, I remember my panic attacks after my OCD came about, I remember being worried about many things, I do remember  some bad things in my childhood, but what if there was something worse.

I always go back to that movie incident. Would I really have been that wound up about a movie that didn’t even relate to my actual life? I always say I didn’t know people did things like that to eachother until I watched that movie at 10 years old but really I actually remember in my earlier elementary years my mom telling me “never let anyone touch you, always tell me, always have a buddy etc” I remember the conversation perfectly. So I was aware before that, why did that movie cause so much anxiety and panic? & then OFCOURSE I go to the situation with my uncle, WHY did I cry so much and get so mad when he was making sarcastic comments about me and put me over his shoulder? It scared me that at the time him grabbing me was “triggering something that I repressed and didn’t know”.

Ii talked to my mom this morning because I couldn’t sleep and she kept reassuring me that I was never strange, quiet, she never suspected anything. She also kept reassuring me that she and my biological dad never liked that uncle and I was never with them ever. That if I slept somewhere it was with my grandparents with my cousin who was 3 months younger than me and my bestfriend. That’s another thing, I was barely ever alone. I was always with cousins in my childhood I feel like if something happened I would’ve spoken about it to kids, tried to experiment with kids, and like I said I was the most outspoken child on earth, aka why I had no issue telling my mom “he’s being mean he’s making fun of me” because I was always open. Which is another reason why I feel if something did… I most definitely would’ve said something lol or at least would have changed my demeanor.

I guess what scares me is that I watched that movie so young, just 10 years old, so much of my hildhood I actually WAS scared of men, rape, molestation, etc. because I was triggered so young and instilled a great amount of fear. So I keep going back in my head wondering “was I scared before the movie incident? I remember being scared sleeping everywhere, was that after?” When I am 99% sure all the incident I am thinking of were definitely after the movie. But it is my childhood so it was in me growing up.

Then of course, I go online and all these website “oh repressed memories do exist, they can’t manifest in different ways, like phobias or OCD behaviors and once again… PURE PANIC. “Omg that’s what it is. My memory is repressed so that’s why I have OCD.” Another website even said some kids don’t remember until they are triggered by a “film, story, etc” you can only imagine what happened here lol pure panic AGAIN. “wow that’s what it was, the movie triggered my repressed memory”. I know I 10273882% was not raped there was never an opportunity for that seriously, but maybe molested I’m not sure. That would be my fear. Only because as a child I was around so many unstable people and families, my dads family had that uncle, another alcoholic uncle, a troublesome older cousin than me, an alcoholic great grandfather, a bipolar grandfather… my mymoms side was fine honestly besides that I lived with my grandma and my grandmas friends daughter and her boyfriend lived there at one point with us I think… but overall my parents were young (19) so didn’t have the best crowd of friends so I guess I just hate that I was around all these really not safe people and can’t remember my memories with them. My mom reassured me I was never alone never would sleep anywhere that she was always around with me, which well I believe because she is very anxious I don’t think she would let me just sleep and stay and hang out anywhere whatsoever.

but then another thing that makes me anxious is like what I’ve told you, when i was 10 and i reacted bad to that movie, why did I have this thing that I wanted to lie and say something happened to me? What if it was my subconsious telling me something happened to me. That is what freaks me out… even though you’ve told me multiple times I probably wanted to lie because I didn’t believe myself because my mom convinced me something happened because I reacted that way to a film. Its just a mess, and I haven’t gotten this anxious about this situation in YEARS. And every therapist I have ever seen they have reassured me nothing has happened that I wouldn’t be so functioning etc, but somehow, in moments like this, I forget all that reassurance and tell myself they must be wrong.

Another thing,

i remember when it happened a couple years ago… I didn’t panic. I exited the story before I finished reading I was like omg gross stop. I can’t even say I was “aroused”…. it was more like idk I can’t explain it. I guess it was just what anyone would feel reading something extremely detailed and sexual. But of course. Here I am. Right before a vacation when I was excited and couldn’t sleep. Thinking of anything to “ruin my trip before it begins” because that’s how OCD works “how can I make myself anxious and not enjoy the moment”. Let’s think about something irrelevant and stupid from 2 years ago over a sexual STORY.

I know he accepts me and my dramaticness in other words but I feel that a lie detector test is crazy… I feel like I would be letting my anxiety win and I would look back and think wow I really can’t get it together and move on and just live in the present that I had to go and pay 600 dollars for a lie detector test. It’s like insane to me if I had to go to that length.

I just want to try and understand why in the world I care so much about what happened in the beginning of our relationship. How can I just STOP caring about the past? Why do I even want to know if there is more honestly? I already know things I wish I didn’t know and my excuse is always he’s changed that’s the past we’ve for we up and realize what we want. Why can’t I just tell him “I’m forgiving you for everything I know and don’t know. I don’t want to know if you’re lying. I’m forgiving you and I want you to forgive yourself and let’s just move forward. We’re in a new relationship and our old one just doesn’t matter.” That’s all I want. I don’t even want to CARE enough to take that test. I simply want to have no interest and just realize how we are now and nothing but the present and future matters. If he were to do anything in the present like be with another girl. Fight and go to another girl. Drunk text another girl. Break up randomly with me. If that happens…. I’m done. I just want to live in the moment and enjoy him now and this new honest stage and get ready for vacations and all these exciting things coming up.

ANOTHER EMAIL:

I want to start by saying how sorry I am for lying to you all this time and once again setting us back when we were going great. I know you probably will never be able to look me the same cause of everything I’ve done, but I just want you to know I will do everything in my power to start over and rebuild this relationships trust from the ground up. There’s no justification for what I did so I’m not going to sugarcoat It or BS you with constant “I’m sorry’s”, but I want you to realize I’m not that guy anymore. Yes, I am a liar. Yes, I lied constantly and convinced you I was finally soooo honest and innocent. Yes, I was stupid and immature and a pig. I get it. I just want you to know that all that crap I’ve done was a different personality and I haven’t been the same lately. I am better now and I know it, I know you will never believe it, but I am. Mm. This wasn’t easy and I really regret not telling you sooner but I just wanted to move past everything and stop with the questions. Clearly, the smart thing to do would be to tell you everything, but I just couldn’t and didn’t want to set us back especially since I really wanted to move in with you. The whole lease thing – I really did not expect us to actually get lucky and get a place so I wanted to wait off until after the trip to tell you before we moved in so there would be no bad memories at all in our apartment. When we got the lease and signed it I just couldn’t see a way of telling you because then it would have been a shit show.

Look, I clearly have issues and I need to deal with problems in a completely different way than I do now and respect you because you are a fucking angel. Yeah once a cheater, always a cheater – that’s not true I will never do the things I did to ruin us ever again. I know you’re probably asking yourself a million questions and regretting so much, but I really want to be able to focus on starting over and rebuilding everything cause I don’t know what the fuck I’d do without you. I’m an idiot, liar, and bad person and manipulator. I have been working so hard to change my ways and how I am and I know I am not the same anymore. This has honestly made me realize a lot and how I took advantage of such a honest person who doesn’t deserve this crap. Straight up I don’t deserve you FOR SHIT. I know what we have now is good, aside from everything I just told you today and I’m willing to do anything to get that back. You think I wanted to sit there and lie to your face all this time for fun?? I just wanted to move on and be good again. Whatever, point is I’m all out of lies. There nothing more I’m hiding and I don’t want to ever hide anything or do anything to hurt you again. If you want me to start looking for an apartment please tell me cause this is serious. I just want to move on and fuck the bullshit and lies, I’m done. I love you too much to give up and you know I’m not the same punk anymore.

*PS: the “once a cheater always a cheater” sentence was written before he realized that they didn’t hook up the day he was thinking about. So at this point in time he thought he technically cheated because I brought to light that we weren’t officially broken up the day he was claiming it was. And then after thinking for a day he realized it wasn’t that day, and said he was right that he knew he would never cheat on me and that it was the first time we broke up last August & the girl confirmed it as well.