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Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help.

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Relationshipsā†’Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help.

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Viewing 10 posts - 46 through 55 (of 55 total)
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  • #168666
    Danielle
    Participant

    Absolutely Anita, I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he’s telling me the truth about the past. There is something that wants me to…. since he finally opened up about things I had no idea about. (I always thought he only told me about the first girl because I FOUND OUT) and it always was uneasy to me to sit and think that there could be others I really don’t have the perfect “situation/time/proof” for. So when he told me it also made me think wow ok so he would tell me things I didn’t even have a clue about. Something in me says…. why would he tell me about those 2 if I had no clue about those and there was more anyways….. like what would that accomplish? Setting us 50 steps back to just go back again later down the road. So something in me tells me he IS telling the truth, but then my anxiety kicks in.

    Skmething you wrote yesterday stuck with me and it was “what did he do that is so bad that he wants to deal with this constant punishment” and it made me automatically think he has cheated. Especially with how his confession went to me. Short story: the girl he had sex with he claimed was the day before a certain event we broke up after the event that night but the day before we were together… so he told me it was when we were together he guesses (because I explained to him the dates) and then 12 hours later he’s like wait… it wasn’t then it was 2 months prior to that day when XYZ happened and then the story made more sense… but I always come back to him and say… how could you tell me you cheated and then realize you dxint… wouldn’t you have been realizing that everyday…. his response I knew I didn’t. I really knew I didn’t. When I was with you I was never put with anyone I was happy yeah I had thoughts maybe I want to be single but I never ever wanted to cheat I would never even go out without you. Still I’m not understanding how you can TYPE and say I guess I am technically a cheater since we broke up the next day to then… wait what it wasn’t even that day. Side note: I messaged the girl on his phone to find out what day it was and she said syllabus week aka the first week of school aka yes it was August not November.

    Then Anita, for you I asked him what you wanted to know. I asked him… why do you put up with me? Why are you an innocent man constantly putting up with being labeled as a cheater if that’s not what you are? You don’t deserve to be questioned constantly if you’re being honest? Why don’t you leave me. And his response: I deserve it. I lied for a long time. I involved 3 girls in our breakup. I lied to your face. I know we havw trust issues right now because of it and I know that eventually when time passes these questions will stop but until then I’m ok with them. They don’t bother me because I know I didn’t cheat. I love you and that’s why I stay. And I know I caused all of this but I promise I am not a xheater. Ultimately contradicting to what you said… he feels that what he did is REALLY BAD. Which I mean to plenty of people involving girls just 1-2 days after a break up 3 times is hurtful… and lying about it for so long makes it 10 times worse & he sees what it’s done to me. He also keeps bringing up that he wouldn’t lie in front of my mom that is so messed up and he told me because he wanted to start fresh and what would be the reason if he was going to still be lying. For that he would’ve just kept those other things. But something else tells me…. why not distract me with the girls when we weren’t together and leave out the one when we WERE together (if there is one)…. but then again, at first he did actually say I technically did cheat if you’re saying we were together that night so if he admitted that (before realizing it wasn’t in October) he would’ve just come forward if he cheated with someone else. I think? I really don’t Know.

     

    #168738
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    Your first sentence in your most recent post is: “Absolutely Anita, I donā€™t trust him”-

    It is not a good idea to be in an intimate relationship with a man you do not trust regardless of the reason for the distrust. I don’t see how it is possible to have a healthy intimate relationship without trust.

    You asked him why does he put up with your ongoing questioning if he was innocent and honest. His answer is as close to a direct post from him as I can get. He told you: “I deserve it. I lied for a long time. I involved 3 girls in our breakup. I lied to your face. I know we havw trust issues right now because of it and I know that eventually when time passes these questions will stop but until then Iā€™m ok with them. They donā€™t bother me because I know I didnā€™t cheat. I love you and thatā€™s why I stay. And I know I caused all of this but I promise I am not a xheater.”

    He told you that he didn’t cheat on you, that he was involved with three girls while the two of you were broken up. He suggested that he is guilty not of cheating on you but of lying to you about having been with the girls during your breakups. He says that he is not bothered by your questioning because he is guilty of lying. His guilt then, from his answer, is about lying about not cheating. And he proceeded to take all the responsibility for your distrust: “I know I caused all of this”.

    In my effort to understand better, I ask: did you tell him about your anxiety, your OCD? Did you share with him that these predated him, occurred before you met him? If you did, do you know why he took all the responsibility for the distrust and not part of it?

    anita

     

     

     

    #168866
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    I agree it is not healthy to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. But I have seen many times couple rebuild that trust and be stronger than before. I also am only having a hard time with this because I don’t think my boyfriend is doing anything now, I don’t think he’s trying to be sneaky, I don’t look at this phone, I don’t read anything of his, if he tells me he’s going somewhere I believe it. My trust issues are simply from the past. I don’t believe he WAS where he said he WAS in situations 1-2 years ago… I don’t believe he didn’t hook up with that girl he ONCE texted hey to, all my trust issues are stemming from what you can I guess call it “our previous relationship”.

    I know you probably think I had trust issues prior to all of this and him but I’m really trying to think of examples that showed I did but I really can’t. I remember when we first got together we were in different cities…. I would go to sleep fine every night I wouldnt stress what he was doing whatsoever if he was being honest if he was with another girl. I would never look at his phone when he came to visit me. And even until all this happened… before I found out about the 1st girl… he would go out without me I would drop him off at places I didn’t care one bit I knew that guy was in love with me. And I think I took advantage and thought he would never do anything so I was rude and I broke up with him for no reason that first time and look what he did, he showed me he wasn’t as “good as a boy” I thought he was. And then the lies began and everything for an entire YEAR was lies lies and more lies. Now and for the past 11 months, is where I feel confident that he’s not going to beeak up with me randomly, and he’s not going to involve any girls. I know he’s not. But that entire year is such a LIE To me that I’m obsessed with finding out more and more.

    I actually found an email he sent me while we were broken up and I’m going to copy and paste it so you can read some direct words from him:

    I know this is hard and disgusting but I want you to know the reason I did these things is cause I didnā€™t care.. I thought I was untouchable and I was so cool and could get away with whatever I wanted. Iā€™ve told you EVERYTHING and Iā€™ve been working on this whole lying shit, thereā€™s nothing more for you to find out, Like you know everything now. I havenā€™t done anything like that again since agustina and I never will again and I promise to be a better person cause youā€™re the girl I want to marry and spend my life with forever. You didnā€™t do any of this and the worst part was the constant lying and me saying youre crazy when in reality Iā€™m the psycho here who should be on the meds. Iā€™m sorry seriously but every since spring I just have been feeling very different as a person and the only thing i just couldnā€™t figure out how to tell you and hurt you again after melodie since I saw what it did to you. I was scared and a coward or pussy whatever you want to call it. This will never happen again and I just want to start over completely with you. I have no more lies and I feel relieved finally to tell you this even though I know it hurts a lot. I need you and I know you donā€™t need me at all, but I want to work it out. I havenā€™t loved you like I have since probably my birthday around that time. I feel different about you now and I would never CHEAT. Once again, If Iā€™m with you and were happy, I couldnā€™t look at myself in the mirror knowing I did what my dad did to my mom. This probably sounds like bs to you but whatever. I love you hope you can forgive me.

     

    #168870
    Danielle
    Participant

    ANOTHER EMAIL:

    I want to start by saying how sorry I am for lying to you all this time and once again setting us back when we were going great. I know you probably will never be able to look me the same cause of everything Iā€™ve done, but I just want you to know I will do everything in my power to start over and rebuild this relationships trust from the ground up. Thereā€™s no justification for what I did so Iā€™m not going to sugarcoat It or BS you with constant ā€œIā€™m sorryā€™sā€, but I want you to realize Iā€™m not that guy anymore. Yes, I am a liar. Yes, I lied constantly and convinced you I was finally soooo honest and innocent. Yes, I was stupid and immature and a pig. I get it. I just want you to know that all that crap Iā€™ve done was a different personality and I havenā€™t been the same lately. I am better now and I know it, I know you will never believe it, but I am. Mm. This wasnā€™t easy and I really regret not telling you sooner but I just wanted to move past everything and stop with the questions. Clearly, the smart thing to do would be to tell you everything, but I just couldnā€™t and didnā€™t want to set us back especially since I really wanted to move in with you. The whole lease thing ā€“ I really did not expect us to actually get lucky and get a place so I wanted to wait off until after the trip to tell you before we moved in so there would be no bad memories at all in our apartment. When we got the lease and signed it I just couldnā€™t see a way of telling you because then it would have been a shit show.

    Look, I clearly have issues and I need to deal with problems in a completely different way than I do now and respect you because you are a fucking angel. Yeah once a cheater, always a cheater ā€“ thatā€™s not true I will never do the things I did to ruin us ever again. I know youā€™re probably asking yourself a million questions and regretting so much, but I really want to be able to focus on starting over and rebuilding everything cause I donā€™t know what the fuck Iā€™d do without you. Iā€™m an idiot, liar, and bad person and manipulator. I have been working so hard to change my ways and how I am and I know I am not the same anymore. This has honestly made me realize a lot and how I took advantage of such a honest person who doesnā€™t deserve this crap. Straight up I donā€™t deserve you FOR SHIT. I know what we have now is good, aside from everything I just told you today and Iā€™m willing to do anything to get that back. You think I wanted to sit there and lie to your face all this time for fun?? I just wanted to move on and be good again. Whatever, point is Iā€™m all out of lies. There nothing more Iā€™m hiding and I donā€™t want to ever hide anything or do anything to hurt you again. If you want me to start looking for an apartment please tell me cause this is serious. I just want to move on and fuck the bullshit and lies, Iā€™m done. I love you too much to give up and you know Iā€™m not the same punk anymore.

     

    *PS: the “once a cheater always a cheater” sentence was written before he realized that they didn’t hook up the day he was thinking about. So at this point in time he thought he technically cheated because I brought to light that we weren’t officially broken up the day he was claiming it was. And then after thinking for a day he realized it wasn’t that day, and said he was right that he knew he would never cheat on me and that it was the first time we broke up last August & the girl confirmed it as well.

    #168932
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    His emails come across to me as honest, spontaneous, sincere. You didn’t answer my question about why he takes all the responsibility for your preoccupation with this, why he doesn’t assign some responsibility to your OCD. Isn’t he aware of it?

    I read your account, that you weren’t distrustful of him in the beginning of the relationship and you aren’t distrustful of him in the present.

    Maybe you trust him currently to not get together with another woman, but you clearly expressed on this thread distrust in him telling you the truth. In the present, currently, you are concerned with whether he is telling you the truth or lying to you- and that is lack of trust in the present.

    How do you change this, how can you trust him again to tell you the truth, is my question. I suppose hooking him up to a Lie Detector machine can help you? If he is willing to be hooked up to one, and he passes the test or tests, will it help you?

    anita

    #168942
    Danielle
    Participant

    Yes Anita he is aware that I have OCD and anxiety but I think he just puts my behavior as “normal” because he lied so much and just thinks it’s part of the rebuilding trust in the relationship process. Which to certain extent it is… but not to how much I take it. Aka asking the same question 100 times expecting a different answer always. I mean this has happened… I asked him about the girl for a very long time and one day he just decided to tell me.

    I as well think his apology and emails and rants to me have been from a genuine place and for the first time in our relationship I actually think he’s shown remorse this last time around. I can see it. But of course I’ll always think there is something else or something WORSE that he would keep out.

    A lie detector test would most DEFINITELY put my anxiety to rest… but that is just so ridiculous to me. Like is there any way else to deal with these issues besides going to that extreme? I feel like me telling him to hook up to a machine is the definition of a crazy girlfriend and if I need to go that crazy then I shouldn’t be with him. I just want to believe that what he says IS IT…. and even if he hasn’t told me everything about the past, to simply just NOT care about it and move on and realize whatever happened back then isn’t happening now and I know it’s not going to happen in the future because I know my boyfriend has changed and realized what he wants. Why can’t I just not care if there’s other things? Why do I constantly worry if there is more? If there is… who cares? We aren’t how we are now and we’ve grown from it. He’s not doing it roday and I know he isn’t going to months from now. He’s committed and grown up. Why can’t I get that?

    #168946
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    You wrote that he thinks your behavior is normal (“he just puts my behavior as ‘normal’ā€), and he takes full responsibility for your distrust of him telling the truth. This means that he doesn’t see you as a “crazy girlfriend” and may very well agree to a lie detector test. Consider this as a possibility, maybe talk to him about it.

    You wrote the lie detector idea is extreme, but so has been your obsession and amount of distress this has caused you for a long, long time.

    “Why can’t I get that?” you asked, because your brain keeps firing those thoughts that trouble you so much. It automatically fire these thoughts and distress is attached to these thoughts. These are neuropathways in the brain where thoughts and emotions are intertwined and these pathways get activated again and again.

    At one point you attended counseling for it, you no longer do, correct? If you attended quality counseling, maybe there you could have gained some insight, and most importantly, skills and practice in brain calming techniques and the persistence in practicing those so to calm your brain, to greatly reduce this neuropathway activation.

    anita

    #168954
    Danielle
    Participant

    I know he accepts me and my dramaticness in other words but I feel that a lie detector test is crazy… I feel like I would be letting my anxiety win and I would look back and think wow I really can’t get it together and move on and just live in the present that I had to go and pay 600 dollars for a lie detector test. It’s like insane to me if I had to go to that length.

    I just want to try and understand why in the world I care so much about what happened in the beginning of our relationship. How can I just STOP caring about the past? Why do I even want to know if there is more honestly? I already know things I wish I didn’t know and my excuse is always he’s changed that’s the past we’ve for we up and realize what we want. Why can’t I just tell him “I’m forgiving you for everything I know and don’t know. I don’t want to know if you’re lying. I’m forgiving you and I want you to forgive yourself and let’s just move forward. We’re in a new relationship and our old one just doesn’t matter.” That’s all I want. I don’t even want to CARE enough to take that test. I simply want to have no interest and just realize how we are now and nothing but the present and future matters. If he were to do anything in the present like be with another girl. Fight and go to another girl. Drunk text another girl. Break up randomly with me. If that happens…. I’m done. I just want to live in the moment and enjoy him now and this new honest stage and get ready for vacations and all these exciting things coming up.

    #168994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    I understand your desire to be free of distress, to enjoy the present. How to make it happen, is the question. One way to stop the reoccurring obsession with your boyfriend lying to you and/ or hooking up with another woman is to end the relationship so that you don’t have a boyfriend to obsess about. Keeping the relationship, what can you do?

    1. Gain insight as to the motivation behind the obsession, which could be those interrogations by your mother regarding your step father, how she didn’t believe you and you started doubting yourself. That very doubt can be the motivation, doubt in your own knowing of what happened extending to doubt in knowing what happened with your boyfriend in the past.

    2. Learn skills to practice when you experience obsessive thoughts and disengage from them. As you feel the distress associated with those thoughts you focus on how the distress feels in your body. As you do, you stop thinking. The thoughts are like vehicles that carry that distress around and around in your brain, making the distress ongoing. When you stop the thoughts, you force the fear outside the vehicles that carry it and it stops getting around. It dissipates, evaporates. An emotion by itself is time-limited. If not attached to a thought it doesn’t last and last.

    anita

    #178625
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I just wrote a post to you on emotional misery and not sure if you would see it because I don’t see you too active on there so if you could please check it out soon! It’s making me very anxious and I’m leaving on a trip later today and really don’t want it to be ruined…. my anxiety and OCD has been so good and under control and I panic thinking I’m going to go on a downward spiral now if I can’t get some reassurance on that topic.

     

    Thank you, ALWAYS.

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