Hi Jo

Like Helcat, I think you have been wonderfully supportive to your son and doing the right things. I see you have him helping out around the house, if you have a garden then being outside close to earth can be therapeutic. There’s a great documentary on earthing/grounding on youtube which both of you might enjoy.

Sometimes it is hard for a child to open up to a parent but they may have a go to relative like a favourite aunt or uncle or grandparent. Its not that the parent is doing anything wrong it just feels easier. My son would go for  a drive with his grandmother and just sit and watch the sea together, no pressure just gentle company. I had a favourite uncle in my teen years ( he was the black sheep of the family) and in my 30′ s I became close to my gran but it did not mean that I stopped loving my parents.

You probably spent years nurturing and protecting him as he grew up and it is painful to watch your child suffer and all you want is to help them feel good. If we could only take a lump of happiness from our hearts and place it in theirs!

Dear Girija

Is there anything in your life that brings you even a moment of peace or joy or inspiration?

Do you have access to  any nature including animals?

These may seem odd questions, but you have to start where you are – one can not be immediately whisked off with a click of fingers to some wonderful retreat to start building that inner strength nor am I advocating anyone staying in an abusive situation. ie sometimes the bathroom may be the only place in the home that feels a modicome of peace, if you can place a candle , plant or flower there it will help to remind your mind that this is your peace time even if it is for just a few minutes.

There are thousands of different meditations, but the most basic one is counting the breath and there are various versions also body scan meditation(yoga Nidra) there are loads on youtube. If you can treat yourself to even 5-10 minutes a day that is a start, do not expect miracles I think it takes as long to undo the damage as the damage and the sub-sequences of that damage. This is not to dishearten you but to give a more realistic outlook. I always celebrate when a young person meets the dharma as they have accumulated less  in general. I have worked with people who are in their 70’s 80’s & 90’s who are only just starting to unravel a lifetime of hurt and have seen that it is possible to make considerable progress even at that later stage of life.

It is not just one area of our lives that needs to be nurtured but the whole of our life. What we eat, read, do physically. meditation/mindfullness etc is not a stand alone fix.

Best wishes

Roberta

Dear Bee

“Once we had the talk about how they were feeling, I pushed my needs and wants entirely to the side. By this point, intimacy was beginning to feel disgusting to me. I felt sick with their overtures in some part although I did consent to it. I didn’t communicate this yet again for fear expressing myself would make them upset or that they’d leave me/our relationship would fail entirely. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded had I said no. I wanted to make them feel nice and this was one of the remaining ways I had to feel close to them so I did it anyways.”

I have a question you say that you now feel like an abuser  even though at the time you thought it was consensual. and then later you posted the above statement.

Do you now think /feel that your partner was an abuser? If not why? If yes why?

It appears that your early role models and education in personal relationships did not equip you well, but you must see that you have the strength and integrity to form good relationships if you continue to work on becoming a happy whole person . The idea that you are dirty or an abuser is erroneous and will not help your peace and happiness in either the short or longterm

Dear Travel Itin

“It hurts me to keep recollecting the past”. Do you do this often? does it start out pleasant but ends up painful?

Now that you recognize that these thoughts/daydreams are not helpful you can take steps to not feed into that line of thinking ie be aware that looking at photos brings on nostalgia and choose to do something else with your time, go for a walk in nature, or do volunteering.

It is easier to lighten ones mood when you catch the feelings early.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Javier

I only joined this tiny buddha today, so I hope it is alright to post to you.

As an only child I knew it would be up to me to look after my parents in their old age and if I did not want it to be a living hell for all of us including my children then something had to change to break the age old cycle

I had an uneasy relationship (that is putting it politely) with my mother. Back in 2009 when on retreat I realised  that I could only change my attitude and ideas about my mother but not her and that the buddhist path was going to be the biggest help.

In 2011 mum had a melanomia on her hand removed and then in  2016 a cancerous lump under her arm removed and several years of follow up treatment. My dad also has dementia. So the last 5 years have mostly been dedicated to their welfare in 2020 a lump on her leg was mis diagnosed and by the time we got the right diagnosis she only had less than 6 weeks to live.

You may well be asking yourself what this has to do with your situation, possibly not alot, but the one  or two practices that helped me be with my mum as she was dying was foremostly the loving kindness practice May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be held with loving kindness, may you be peaceful & at ease and may you be happy. I also did a lot of Vajrasattva practice in our last week together to purify any residue of negativity between us . Her passing was very peaceful and I am glad that I made the effort to not only study but practice the dharma. I am at peace with myself and my mother.

I hope that you find things to help you and your mother grow closer.

Kind regars

Dharma granny