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RobertaParticipantmy sunrise is your sunset and visa versa
Sit quietly and we can hear others songs carried on the wind
turn to face the sun and smile in away that will warm others hearts
RobertaParticipantDear Eriads
Your daughter was almost grown up when you started dating B ( you do not say how old your daughter was when the split with her father happened or whether her father has remarried etc) and now she is legally an adult. She is lucky to have an on going relationship with her father.
You can’t force people to feel more for each other and some relationships take longer to flourish. As long as you do not accept the current situation you are putting pressure on you, your daughter and your husband, which will hinder a making of healthy relationships. At the moment politeness and understanding should be the starting point for all concerned. It must have taken a lot of bravery for your husband to show his vulnerability to you. Maybe your husband’s original expectations of a”happy family” were not met and he is now resigned to the reality of this family life. I guess within the next few years your daughter will fly the nest and so it is important that you & your husband stay well connected to each as you are going to need his emotional support when your daughter puts down roots elsewhere.
I wish you all the best
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Laelithia
Having watched many peoples relationships collapse over the last 50 years, in general the woman ends up as the full time parent and the man rarely consistently over the years takes an active part in looking after the children.
Although it is physically, emotionally & financially scary being a single parent it is ultimately better than being in a cold loveless relationship.
I hope that your health & happiness will improve.
kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Helcat
Nearly all of us come up against situations/people that press our buttons.
You have dispensed kindness & wisdom to many people on this site and your input will be greatly missed, & I hope that this site also equally gave you sustenance\support.
If we learn to forbear something that cant at present be fixed to our liking, then things may change & grow in a way that could bring benefit not only to ourselves but others.
So I hope that you remain a contributor to this site.
best wishes
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Dave
The mere fact that she was willing & did go to couples counselling means that she has not completely closed the door on the relationship. Does the counselor give both of you homework to do to help you focus on growing your relationship between sessions? It is quite normal for people to yo yo, think how many times a day we do that….. what shall I wear……what shall I eat etc we certainly dont have a wardrobe full of identical clothes and eat the same meal 3 times a day 7 days a week so working thru issues in a relationship will involve a lot of waxing & waning of whether to stay or go.
Hopefully by the end of the 8 sessions you will both have a clearer idea on whether you both still wish to nourish the relationship.
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Frozenfireflies
It is hard when only one person in a partnership is willing to try and make things easier, peaceful & intimate.
Do you have a quiet space that you can go to so that when things look like they are about to kick off , you can calmly say that you are going to take a short time out and if he wishes to spend a bit of quiet time too he is welcome to join you. If you can do a loving kindness meditation ( loads on youtube) it will help manage the discursive ruminative thoughts from disrupting your quiet time. On returning maybe make both of you a cuppa and maybe a gentle stroke on the back will signal to him that you are now calm and open. Hopefully he will mirror your attitude. Also try leaving the non violent communication book in the toilet and he might just pick it up out of curiosity. Do your children witness his outbursts and are they confined to being verbal?
wishing you all the best
Roberta
RobertaParticipantHi Norit
I am sorry for your loss and that for years you have had to watch your mum deteriorate. Like Brandy said until she really wants and asks for help there is very little you or anyone else can do, only 36% recover from alcoholism. You yourself know how hard it is to look after your mum especially if it is a thankless task . If your brother stays he is going to need loads of support, make sure that guilt & blame do not rear their ugly heads as they only make a bad situation worse. I hope that you find a support group and that you and your brother get the chance to grieve properly.
kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Csihdu
Sorry to hear that you are in such a sad and frustrating situation. I had a similar situation with my fiance’s mother whenever he asked his mum what she would like for Xmas she wanted him not to marry me! Basically your boyfriend is between a rock and a hard place. I suggest that you get your self a good circle of friends that can give you a social life that does not involve your boyfriends family. It is highly unlikely that you or your BF will be able to change his mums behavior and resenting him for it will only poison your relationship & that way she wins. Act with love compassion and dignity and then no matter what happens you will have a peaceful heart.
Kind regards
Roberta
RobertaParticipantHi Whitfield
A relationship that is devoid of both mental / physical affection is a cold and lonely place to be. It is a brave person who can ask their longstanding partner what would bring them happiness. Most people look outside of them selves for the source of happiness/blame and very rarely look inwards as a way of taking control of nurturing their wellbeing.
wishing you all the best
Roberta
RobertaParticipantHi Dave
I am so glad that you & your wife went to couples counselling & that it was a positive experience and that your wife was able to verbalise her need for a cuddle and that you were able to overcome your initial ambivalence and literally embraced the situation to nourish her & your relationship.
If you both wish and are active in taking care of your precious family unit you will bring happiness not only to yourselves but will help with peace in a greater sense
Roberta
RobertaParticipantDear Matilda & Dr Louise,
Have you heard of ARK Acts of Random Kindness. Take a walk around your neighbourhood with an open heart, eyes and mind it can be quite inspirational to bring a little happiness to others. The other week I was walking down an alleyway that a lot of the elderly use to get to the shops. there is a point where it widens and turns, it also gets the sunshine. I got a bench delivered to that spot by our local hardware store. It has received a lot of positive feedback. Also you could look into Guerilla gardening. Some people who are artistic paint stones and place them around our island bringing much joy to the children who find them. Volunteering is a great way to meet new & interesting people. I have just turned 60 and I think of this new decade as the super sixties.
I hope you both find something that brings a sparkle into your life
Roberta
January 31, 2023 at 6:55 am in reply to: When do you and your family decide you need online family therapy? #414790RobertaParticipantDear Henry
What areas of family life do you wish to see improvement in. Thich Nat Han has written about communication and relationships, that may be a good start. Do you think the rest of your family would be open to family therapy?
Roberta
RobertaParticipantHi all
For own sanity I minimize my intake on information on cruelty (I am not sticking my head in the sand). I help where I can globally signing petitions to stop harming the planet and its in habitants etc Locally I try to garden organically and make a wildlife friendly habitat and actively look after my human community as well. I can not change my past actions, but I can improve my future ones. In general I have found beautiful kind positive actions work better than what can be perceived as aggressive dooms saying behavior. ie making a lovely tasty vegan/vegetarian meal rather than pushing graphic blaming literature. As the saying goes ” the way to a mans heart is thru his stomach” I have also made a space opened to the public to meditate, sit in the garden or just make themselves a cup of coffee and read a book from our library. If we each make our own home/ neighborhood a place of peace we add to the world wide well-being collective and relive ours & others suffering
RobertaParticipantDear Mindy
You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy. Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.
Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.
I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.
RobertaParticipantDear Mina
I am sorry that you are having a rough time with your mother.
Please can you give a bit more of a background to the statement that you posted.
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