karen1,

I’m happy you have loved ones to turn to in this difficult time, and can understand why forgiveness is slow growing. You seem to be working through it, which is awesome (if a little painful).

One small thing that came to heart… consider that even though his side was inconsistent, yours wasn’t. That is actually a wondrous thing, because that light you grew through the difficult times will continue to shine bright. After the grief and shock and anger settle. 🙂 Said differently, sometimes we feel like our time with our partner was wasted, because the union fell apart. However, the consistency of our love, of our dedication, is something we grew alongside the relationship, and those beautiful lessons and strengths remain with us… and are the real gift of loving. Good luck to you, sis, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

karen1,

I’m happy that some of those words reached out to you, and am sorry for the painfulness you’re experiencing. A few of your words caught my attention, such as “not for me” and “shock of change imposed upon me”. Are you OK? Sometimes when we’re attacked, we make false assumptions about what happened and end up giving far too much power to the aggressors, the judges. This is only a blindfolded guess, without knowing your particular wounds, just in case. 🙂

Sometimes it can help the feeling of isolation if we open up and talk about what happened. Not that you need to rehash what happened, but if you can invite us to share it, you might find the shadows less scary, and your path full of more hope. Remember, there is always a path to joy, and many open hearts to help us along the way.

With warmth,
Matt

Penguin,

I’m sorry for the sense of isolation you experience, and know how agitating it is when we feel lonely. Sometimes when we feel jealousy for others, envy for their experiences, we miss out on the beauty that is around us. This stunts our own happiness, because we feel like we are missing out. A few things came to heart as i read your words.

Ironically, as we look on with longing at the experiences of others, we do miss out. For instance, as you think about people drinking and having fun together, the tea in your hand doesn’t get as much attention, as much appreciation, and the joy that arises from drinking it diminishes. Quite naturally we feel lonely, like we are missing out, because we are! The tangle is only that we think we’re missing out on the “drinking buddies”, when what we’re really missing out on is the tea.

The solution is actually simple and refreshing, but does take practice. We spend time wishing for the happiness of others, for them on their side. For instance, my daughter and niece sometimes like playing games. They get into it and completely ignore me, and as I see them and all their joy at playing their game, my heart quite naturally doesn’t become envious, jealous that I’m not playing with them. I simply see them, want them to have fun together, and rest peacefully and happily as I sit alone. Perhaps, as you see your friends connecting or people drinking together, consider how wonderful it is for them to be having fun. Accept that you’re not in the same place, physically (such as friends at other universities) and mentally/emotionally (not interested in drinking), but for them where they are, huzzah!

This heartful and loving warmth is sometimes called metta, and where envy and jealousy cast a shadow on the heart, metta brings light. Said differently, envy and jealousy naturally erode as we spend time seeing and wishing for the happiness of others. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice, where you intentionally open and expand the light in your heart, your chest. Then whether you are alone, in a group, at a bar, watching a movie, or sipping your tea, your eyes will stay open to the garden around you. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube may sing to you, if you’re interested.

Finally, consider that Buddha said that the community we connect to is one of the main components of our stability. When monks leave the sangha, sometimes they experience symptoms of a “tiger lost in the woods” and their practice and mindfulness diminishes in strength. Said differently, even as our loneliness can be resolved internally, it still helps us to connect with like minded people. Perhaps consider a local meditation group, yoga center, or Buddhist sangha. Even if you’re not “spiritual” in the same way, those places often attract people that similarly prefer sobriety to intoxication, soft to loud, and peace to chaos. Don’t be afraid to move on, but don’t give up looking! 🙂

Namaste, friend, may you find peace and contentment.

With warmth,
Matt

Hyo,

As a parent, I can say that I have no regrets… even with the financial, mental and emotional strain that they place on a family. The compassion and playfulness is way brighter, and makes the burdens laughable, simple, easy to bear.

As for the script that plays in your head, a few things came to heart as I read your words. Consider that you may feel some fear that having kids or not having kids is somehow connected to your purpose or happiness. As though having kids is your path to joy, or not having kids is your path to joy… and so making the right choice is big, scary. In my opinion, it just isn’t that way, dear friend. We follow our heart, and bring the joy with us. Kids won’t bring us our joy or cause it to receed. Joy blossoms as we let go of the “should I do this or that” and simply do what feels right. This isn’t like choosing a path that shackles us forever. Its like dancing across a buffet, choosing what we wish to have on our plate.

Said differently, joy arises as we pour our heart and attention into where we are, whether that be volunteering at our daughter’s preschool or going on a journey to a distant culture. Its in the freshness, the acceptance, the presence we have as we meet our experience with open eyes and an open mind. Kids, not kids… those aren’t keys to happiness. It really will be OK either way, because there will be Hyo, heart strong and radiant.

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,

Thank you the kind regards. When I read your response, something came to heart. I really like the way you identify with “I am the light and warmth”, which carries with it the roots of “aloneness”, where we accept that we become the light of the world, and carry that light with us where and when we can. This is in contrast to some that seek to find that warmth within romance, material accumulation, career and so forth. When we surrender and accept that joy arises from a warm heart and silent mind, the garden around us blooms with incredible wonder.

There is a catch. 🙂 Something my teacher called squeezing the sponge, where as we pour our heart, share our light, sometimes it helps expose other people’s causes of suffering. This can cause a lashing out, as their self struggles and whips around in their mind and heart and often out through their mouth. Said differently, sometimes it takes patient resolve as we share our light, our heartfelt inspiration and warmth. Imagine the flow of our heart like water from the river. As we remain resolute in our compassion, we say what seems helpful, gentle and true. What comes back can sometimes be icky, sticky, aggressive… much like rinsing a grimey sponge. This is normal, usual, and expected. For instance, if you grow your roots deep, then pour that deep love and appreciation toward your mother, there may be an outpouring of icky in her response. As you speak your heart, perhaps she might becomes angry and aggressive. Don’t be tempted to cling to her anger, to make it about you. Instead, switch to breath, “yes, dear mother, let it out, decompress, it is safe to be agitated here, I am here for you”. If your tender heart is able to stay alight, and your view keeps its pulse on her and her suffering, then there is a great chance of her suffering settling. “I love you, mom, including your anger and fear. What does that look like for you? What does that feel like?” and so forth.

There is no obligation of pressure for you to help her in that way, just in observing your life path, that you may experience the back flow of aggression that sometimes comes from being heartfelt with the tangles you see in those around you. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong… trust the warmth and light inside you. Then your success and failure is only whether that light wavered, rather than “did mom give me a hug” or otherwise respond in a warm way. When we rinse a sponge, icky comes out. Lance a boil, puss comes out. We smell it, see it, feel it… shudder or crinkle our nose, then let it go.

Namaste, sister, your heart is strong and bright. Thank you for giving it so freely here and there.

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,

Thank you for your courage in opening up, you certainly brought it this time! Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy, and you’ve been walking that path for ages. Sometimes when our parents set up a very rigid value system, we have difficulty determining our own. As kids, we have no choice but to follow their lead, usually, because they are the food buyers, the hug givers, the shelter keepers and so on. Now, you’re 40, and even though you’ve moved on (mostly), both you and they have some stuck bits… as though you’re five and need pushing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that “mom” and “dad” aren’t people, they’re roles. In the eyes of a child, parents arent people, they’re like gods. This makes for some confusion, especially when our parents have their flaws. Said differently, imagine the sorrowful conflict that occurs in a child when god says the sky is green, but they look up and see blue. “Oh no”, she cries, “there must be something wrong with my eyes.” Or, my dear sister, when god says “You should desire this, act in such and such a way”, and she cries “but my vision sees something different, I guess I’ll just have to ignore my heart, or ignore my god.”

This leaves many doors open that are unnecessary, many difficulties with boundaries inside us. For instance, your mom says “in order to keep your man, you need to stand on your head when he comes home from work.” But, when he comes home, not only does he not understand why you do such a thing, it doesn’t have the effect your mom described. The difficulty isn’t really the head standing, or his reaction, its in what happens next. “My mom said standing on my head would entice him. It didn’t. My mom is a god, omniscient, therefore I either did it wrong, or I’m so ugly that not even the head standing works for me.”

Yes, rediculous. They. Don’t. Know. They think they know the trick to finding balance and joy, but they do not. The head standing is irrelevant to his heart. The material success they push you toward is meaningless, empty, their vision of what a “good life” looks like. This isn’t bad, its just their view. It isn’t wrong, they just aren’t you. Consider for a moment where joy blossoms for you. In the arms of your daughter is an obvious one, where the warmth and beauty of human life pulses through your every vein and pore. You have that, and what a blessing. Your heart and hers open together in the moment with appreciation and mutual respect, and the resulting blossoming is rich and wondrous.

Consider for a moment what you might have if every time you saw your daughter, you felt fear that she’d grow up to be miserable. Then each moment would feel more like scrambling against the clock, trying to cram more survival gear into her head… so that she could weather the long and wintery path of life. After all, your love is strong, and the motivation to see her happy would easily push you to “save her at any cost”. Consider however, how little time and space you’d have to simply hold her in your arms. If you breastfed, perhaps you remember how when the feeding began, the your breasts would “let down” or “release” as the milk was reached for. The heart does the same, when we make time for it. A flood arises and pours over our loved one, and we feel ourselves wishing to give every bit of warmth, every drop of appreciative joy… and as we pour, they pour back. How beautiful it is to be a parent sometimes! If we’re scared all the time, taking time to just be there with her would seem like a waste.

However, you and I know differently. We know that the joy of our life arises from giving ourselves freely to the growth and happiness of ourselves and those we connect to. A pile a money does nothing, being a doctor means nothing… those are just forms, expressions, vehicles of our service and happiness. They can help produce them, such as a doctor that spends her life helping people heal. Sure, that’s a blessing and a reasonable life aim. However, its only a vehicle. A janitor has the same opportunity to share joy, a hair stylist, a mother… whatever the vehicle, its in the “letting down” of our time and love that brings joy. Not the paycheck, not the “setting broken bones” or whatever. Ironically, or tragically, as your parents tried to fill up your backpack with tools for survival, they forgot (or never knew) that important aspect.

The solution is actually very simple. Its time to grow up, Helen. Your parents aren’t gods, they’re just people, and its time you set up some boundaries. Consider for a moment, if a stranger came up to you on the street and told you that you were ugly, meaningless, and a terrible mother… would you be so quick to identify with their view? Would it stick? Later that night, after your loved ones were sleeping… would the voice of the stranger resurge within your mind and cause you to doubt your own senses? That perhaps your daughter’s tender words of appreciation were false as you tucked her in? Why give their suffering such gravity? Said differently, would your heart ever say those thing to your daughter? Would you call her ugly? Meaningless?

Of course not, because when you look at her, there is tenderness, appreciation, and beauty. Its warm, fluid, nurturing. For me, when I am with my kids and relating to them as people, there is magic and warmth inside me. I do not doubt it is there in you too, as you brush her hair, hold her, play with her. That is the success, dear sister, for when the heart blossoms with compassion, and we give our time to the well being of all people (including ourselves) there is no greater joy to be found.

So look again at this moment with your parents, as they push and pull and wish and criticize. What do they have in that moment? Not the magic, not the warmth… they have fear and dissatisfaction and judgment. They don’t get the blessing of a simple warm embrace, the beauty that fills the heart as they see their daughter smiling and joyous. They see failure, dissapointment, lost opportunity, and potential disaster. How sad for them! Not sad for them as kids, as teens. Sad now. They let sweet moments of heartfelt connection slide on by, in favor of trying to push more tools into your survival kit.

This is where boundaries come in. Consider for a moment that it is up to you to be the champion of love and warmth. Much like you are the guide for your daughter. So, if your daughter said “mom, I want three hand fulls of sugar for breakfast”, you would say no. You have to balance honoring your daughter’s desire with her long term health, and so you set your foot down and reject that particular desire. However, sugar is sweet, and so your daughter throws a tantrum. “You don’t love me, you never listen to me, you don’t care.” On and on she stomps her feet, throws words at you, and you stand there and take it. Nod, smile, “yes my daughter, tantrum it out. You’re having cheerios this morning, not sugar. Weep and wail and lament, my resolve is here, and I see what’s best.” Finally, she begrudgingly eats the cheerios and moves on. She doesn’t notice, perhaps, but you do, that her energy is stronger for the whole day because of your resolve, your standing up to her tantrum with patience and stability.

This is much like what it is like with your parents, and the boundaries will perhaps look the same. “I do not like to be spoken to in that way, and will get up and leave if it continues”. Don’t bother with the why, its complex enough on their side. Stick with the what. “I am 40, old enough that I do not have to put up with your criticism, and while you can choose to say whatever you wish to say, I can choose to break contact with you, and I will.” Don’t get mad, don’t play their game, don’t get sucked into the maze. They’re blowing their chance for the warmth and joy of being with trusted family, and much like eating handfuls of sugar, it isn’t good for you or them. As the one that has become more clear seeing, it is your responsibility to take action.

Of course, there is every chance that they will throw a temper tantrum. “You don’t love us” and so forth. That is garbage, and highly ironic. You rest in a place of compassionate love (which slides into self criticism and longing and back again), and its your parents that are caught in the habit of criticism and distance. So when they say “you don’t love us”, they are not acting very loving.

Internally, consider the path to authentic humility one of removing the pedestals and pits from our view of self, our heroes, and our villans. Buddha taught that we are born ignorant of how to find balance and joy, and we rely on our teachers and parents for most of our strategy on how to interact with the world. There is much incredible insight in the teachings that have been handed down through the ages, but it still comes from people, our brothers and sisters, and they have had the same limitations as we have, the same potentials. So, naturally there will be flaws and needed evolutions. Consider “Could Buddha use Facebook?” Or “Could Jesus drive a sick shift?” There is wheat and chaff, dear sister, in the teachings we receive and offer. Its just part of the way views are shared. So, as we sing our song, it appears to be our voice, but not our song. The song itself is part of a greater harmony, a system of balance and lessons that have pushed and pulled us along our path for a looong time. Said differently, you speak a language you didn’t create, think thoughts handed to you from your parents, have accomplishments that rest on the shoulders of giants, and so on. What is you is not any of those things. You are the warmth and light that shines when your daughter is in your arms. You are the smile that cuts the hair of your loved ones. Trust that. Feel that!

Finally, as you meet up with your successes and failures, don’t grab onto them as proof of anything. You could precisely cut someone’s hair without warmth, and though materialistically is appears a successful cut, it was actually bittersweet because of the emotional apathy. Instead, we can see ourselves as a link in a chain, a prism of light within the world. We do our best to give authentically from the heart, and each moment is practice. There is never a perfect moment, a perfectly handled experience with your daughter, a perfect head of hair. There is only your skillfulness of varying degrees meeting up with the unknown, and the practice. True success, in the form of blossoming contentment, arises when we accept that, and in each moment release the “does this mean I did well” question, and appreciate the warmth inside and around us. This smooth mindedness arises with practice, and perhaps consider taking up a metta meditation practice to help develop such peace and concentration directly. Metta is the unconditional warmth and well wishing friendship we feel for others, and Buddha taught that it was incredibly freeing to practice. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta” on YouTube if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may contentment blossom deeply in your heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Jon,

In addition to the other wisdom presented, consider that part of the failing may rest in seeing this “negative” vs “positive” duality. Powerful emotions, such as anger, are not “negative”… they’re painful. Painful for you sensing them, and painful for others in feeling them. Said differently, it is an odd and unnecessary step to label the lion’s roaring as negative, because it comes from the painfulness of the thorn in its paw. This is something you already see, however, that perhaps one little twist might free your brothers and sisters from the habitual suffering.

That view arises from your metta, or your desire to see other people happy and content. What a blessing that is! Thank you, for carrying that torch. Now, it is also no surprise that the torch goes out and you get pissy. “Stop polluting my world with your bullshit” or “if you’d only listen and change, you’d overcome this crap”. This might seem like a reasonable response, but of course it isn’t.

The way I balance being strongly empathic and connecting with people that roar, takes a little practice, but it solves the compression inside my mind that leads to anger. Consider the outflow of emotions from people like poop. People eat, then they poop, and depending on what they eat, their poop smells in different ways. People experience their reality, and depending on what they harvest from it, their emotions vibrate in different ways. They perceive injustice, it comes out in such and such a way. They eat spicy curry, it comes out in such and such a way. No surprises, really, just cause and effect. Eat to poop. Experiences to emotions.

So the goal, then, is to be able to experience the emotion in a different way. Consider walking into a bathroom, and smelling the after effects of the person before you. Sure, you might wail and bemoan the stink, but what use does that have? “If only you ate more fiber, this would all be different” or “if only you were more aware/awake/loving/wise then this emotion wouldn’t arise for you, stinking up the place”. On one hand its true, that people can grow toward deeper satisfaction and happiness if they get more spiritual fiber. However, when you take the stink personally, make it about you, then you naturally move toward their frequency, digest their food, become angry yourself, and suffer.

The solution is actually quite simple, but requires pratice. We let it pass through us. My teacher used an example of a strong wind on our front door. It may make sense to try to close the door, keep the wind out. Ignoring their anger, removing ourselves from the presence of angry people, surrounding ourselves with pleasant objects and people. However, this only produced a conditional stability. As soon as we have to weather an angry person, the door flies open and we become lost in our own anger.

Instead, we can open the front door and the back door, and let it pass right through us. This is like going into the bathroom, smelling the stink, accepting its impermanence, and letting our body breathe normally. We sort of “step aside” from the stink of it and breathe in and out. We breathe in stink, and breathe out peace. We see their suffering, and breathe out peace. Yes, there is the appearance of anger, and that is sad for him… anger is a painful emotion. But its not about us, we can breathe, be aware of our breath, of our body, and let it pass right by.

If you don’t have a regular meditation practice, consider beginning one. As you grow your empathy, more and more pressure bangs on the front door, and so remaining peaceful amidst the chaos becomes a very handy tool. Breath meditation helps build concentration, which allows us to be steadfast and grounded when the lions are roaring. Said differently, if you spend time on the cushion developing mindfulness, it is easier to remain intentionally spacious when others are tossing stuff at you.

Finally, consider that when you have that spaciousness to see others energy without getting “sucked in”, then you will also become more skillful at helping them from their side. It is not helpful to tell someone about what step 15 looks like when they are at step 3. They need step 4, then 5, then 6 and so forth. Knowing where they are and what might help them take the next steps toward inner contentment requires deep listening and patience. This is a natural result of becoming more grounded yourself. For instance, it may seem reasonable to advise someone to eat more fiber, but the eating habits may be a symptom, not a cause. So, pushing them to “just eat more apples, dammit” is not as helpful as hugging them, whereby they don’t compensate for their lack of connection with others with habitual eating… and they naturally make more skillful choices without pressure. Where to aim springs up from the heart, which is a softer voice than the mind. Meditation helps the mind become less entangled in the outside, so the inside remains fluid and open.

Namaste, brother, may your roots grow thick and deep.

With warmth,
Matt

Kayla,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how tough suppression can become. Sometimes when we’re afraid our emotions aren’t valid (“overreacting”), or they don’t deserve space in the relationship (“I should just shut up and figure it out myself”), we clamp down on them when they come up. Its like cramming things into a closet… we keep pushing and pushing, until eventually we can’t hold it in and it all bursts out… often at really awkward times. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your emotions aren’t just deserving of space, they are an important part of the intimacy. Said differently, your relationship is about the two of you, and when you two share what you think, the intimacy grows. On sunny days, it can become brilliant and wondrous… two hearts singing in tune. When the moon comes up, it can become a little more unsettling… being in love is being vulnerable, opening our sensitivity, and so when we’ve been hurt in the past by close loved ones, it makes sense that we’d be a bit skittish.

So on his side, if he loves you and isn’t overwhelmed with his own stress, of course he would want to help you open up to him. You might be making it more difficult by bottling it up and shooting it at him. Because you tend to suppress until you punch, consider doing what one of my teachers called “front loading”. This is where we take some time to check and make sure our partner is open, stable, and ready for a trickier conversation. On our side, it helps us look at our issue as a curious puzzle, rather than pressure cooker. It may be a little scary, but perhaps consider “my love, I am suffering, please help. For some reason, my heart is hurting, and fear is making everything jumbled. Would you sit with me, talk with me, help me find my way home?”

The best results usually arise when we can hold hands and look at the experience together… keeping in mind there are two sides, and keeping your attention on your own. I think, i saw, i felt, i heard and so forth. For instance “my love, when I saw you laugh with that other person, I felt afraid.” rather than “you were flirting, and obviously…”

Finally, its important to self nurture, which helps to make the agitations and fears less potent. Said differently, if you’ve taken some time by yourself to relax, unwind, let go, recharge, then its easier to not make mountains out of molehills, and approach your emotions with more gentleness and grace. Consider taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, going for a walk in nature, or whatever helps you settle. One of my favorites is loving kindness meditation, where we intentionally grow our love for ourselves and others. Consider checking out “Sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Namaste, friend, may you find balance and grace.

With warmth,
Matt