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Longing…for?

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  • #48895
    Helen
    Participant

    Most posts in the Tiny Buddha forum have a common resonance of suffering and desire to end that suffering. Each participant’s story is painted with different details but the underlying message, and request, is the same. The common confusion and pain resulting from loss is understandable and logic follows that each individual desires a specific response as related to their particular situation. I spent significant time reading through the responses and wonderful insight from everyone in this community. What shines through is patience, empathy, understanding and a genuine desire to help a fellow human being, brother or sister 🙂

    My path has brought me to this place because I am fluctuating between growth in solitude and sharing insights with like-minded people. Over time, I have learned many things, and many more remain to be learned. Instinctively, I know that following the path of the heart is the correct path and that no other person can give us an answer, but merely be a mirror, a support, or a gentle guide for us to determine our own answers, as they resonate with peace within our hearts.

    One thing has been constant for me. A longing, undescribeable really, not attached to a thing and not able to be visualized. My entity has been blessed with a good middle way life, outward beauty, creativity, intelligence, a loving relationship, a child that is amazing by all standards, a fullfilling job, friends, comforts of the flesh, and resources that allow growth and accumulation of knowledge. The path has not always been easy, it was/is/will be laced at times with physical, mental and emotional discomforts and suffering. The details are not important because as I said in the beginning all suffering is the same regardeless of the specific circumstances.

    Time and time again, I worked on accepting the changes in life, embracing the good and avoiding the actions/thoughts that cause suffering. On several occassions, I experienced moments of complete clarity and connectedness to the universe and all energy that it encompasses. I disappeared completely into everything and became just a small part of all; I felt all the love, suffering, and presence of all beings at once. One time, I had a vision that boundaries of flesh do not exist and we are all one, thus now when I look at another being, I see my-self in them, and them in me. To an average person this may seem odd but I am certain there are individuals who will understand this and who themselves have experienced this.

    Now, the challenge. After having experienced this state of being several times, and even going with the understanding that no thing/experience in life is permanent, I am still not comprehending this inexplicable “longing,” oftentimes accompanied by a deep sadness. Buddhist philosophy teaches that desire leads to suffering, however, this longing is not akin to desire. I do experience desires, cravings, for things, feelings, experiences, and knowledge and satisfy those desires in appropriate ways, or curb them via breath. I also learned that each of those satisfactions is just temporary and different desires come and go or same ones resurface from time to time. Most of the time, I experience joy, even in the smallest of actions, such as preparing a pomgranate for eating 🙂 I always wear a genuine smile, even when sad or pained. So my life is by all standards pretty normal, a healthy mix of joy, pain, sharing and experinces that any of us have.

    In my interactions with others, in personal life, I find myself to be more of a quiet observer. In my profession, I exert more energy and act as a leader, trainer, and problem solver. Both are good in their own way. Lately, I started attending Yoga practice with other people and have enjoyed the energy resulting from these events. I am reading material on achieving awareness as well but am finding this a bit overwhelming and experience information overload. My strive is to simplify information and focus on simplicity itself.

    One interesting thing that occured to me today is that for a while I felt I was still too young to reach a certain level of understanding, however, Buddha was younger than me when he reached enlightment. Age is not a factor.

    So, back to the “longing”… any of you wonderful Tiny Buddhas have some wisdom to share with me? I am grateful for your time and observations.
    Helen

    #48902
    Mark
    Participant

    Wow Helen, how articulate, cogent, and insightful! I am in awe of how you express yourself so eloquently and clearly.

    I think whatever wisdom I have to share is how we live our own lives and how we are all connected. I love how we apply our experiences and share them in response to others here and elsewhere to assist others in their journey.

    So I have no wisdom to share with the wise. Helen, you seem to have sufficient wisdom to carry you down this path of Life.

    Namaste’, Ubuntu, and Metta,
    Mark

    #48904
    Helen
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for your kind words. Believe me, I stumble quite a lot at times, just like all of us do.

    You have much wisdom yourself and I enjoy reading your responses to others as well, very intuitive, encouraging, and heartfelt.

    For my dilemma, I will keep searching, or even not. Maybe when I am ready to know what this illusive longing is, my heart will tell me. Or maybe it is just a part of my existence – to contunue to have a “challenge” so I never become complacent.

    With gratefulness,
    Helen

    #48912
    stclark
    Participant

    Hi Helen.

    I don’t usually reach out to anyone. I guess I’m kind of self contained. But occasionally I come across some other people who are thinking too and I feel a bit of my own aloofness.

    I wonder if you could be so in touch with yourself that you are in a position to feel the underlying consiousness of life. Just as the wind in the leaves of a plant touches it’s lifeforce on a physical level, perhaps you are just experiencing the meandering of a single celled organism’s search for food, or the creative impact of a mind on a problem that it hasn’t yet come across, you could be feeling aware unconsiously of your own movement through time and space.

    Well it’s not much is it? My own two cents worth. But your experiences lead me to believe that there is unity in communication with others that I have not explored. So thank you for sharing and I wish you the best in your experiences and kindness along your path. -m-

    #48914
    Helen
    Participant

    M,

    You bring up a very valid point. This unroots a long ago memory of my youth, when I experienced much, much suffering. I spent hours in quiet introversion and “hiding” so to say from any outside events. This is a small thing but I had a vision and experienced a knowing that in my future I will be living in a place with palm trees. At that time, my family lived in Paris, with absolutely no palm trees. In a few years time, we relocated to the US where palm trees grow abundant.

    Aloofness … how I am familiar with that feeling! I understand what it took for you to reach out and my heart is grateful for you doing this and sharing your insight.

    Helen

    #48915
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    I’m glad that many aspects of your journey are favorable for you, and can understand why you might be looking for a solution to the puzzle of your longing. Oddly, you don’t describe the feeling or circumstances of the longing, which would be helpful in finding a solution. However, just in taking in your message in total, a few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Often, when someone presents a list or resume of spiritual breakthroughs and awarenesses, it reveals that there are whispers of spiritual materialism, or “look at how spiritual and aware I am.” However, when I read your words, (even though much of your post is focused around your accomplishments) it didn’t really come across in that way. Which means you’re either really good at hiding, or that tangle simply isn’t present.

    If it is hiding, you may feel that there is something wrong with you, such as some inherent or situational flaw that prevents you from being OK here and now. All the seeking, the discovery, the wisdom, the right action… all becomes fuel or ammunition in a war of self. Said differently, sometimes when we have a longing to be loved, it arises from a feeling of shame or unworthiness of connection, and so we push ourselves to “rid the forest of vermin” to make us more valued.

    This is a losing game, because we are neither independently wise or independently foolish… and so throwing accomplishments at a feeling of shame is like throwing a bowling ball into the air. It may stay away while the sun is shining, but when the chaos and energy recede, the feeling of dissatisfaction with self returns and clobbers us in the noggin.

    Again, this is much like me aiming blindfolded, as the description of the tangle surrounding the longing is short, brief and nearly absent. So, the solution remains generic. Longing is a feeling, and carries with it no inherent need. A few potential views are:

    If the longing is for the freedom and joy for others, such as noticing the beings around you are caught in habitual patterns that bring them suffering, perhaps consider contemplating the teaching power of suffering. Suffering is a natural resistance that can bring a lot of growth when the circumstances align and the being experiences breakthrough. So, we remain patient, and let the journey unfold (ours and theirs).

    If the longing arises when things around you become quiet and still, then perhaps you’re connecting your joy to the breakthrough or success of living from the heart. Much like going from an art museum into an empty room, sometimes our mind enjoys stimulation and sensual input so much that an empty space produces a resonance of loss. This is just sense craving, and is helped as you pull back your enjoyment from the art to the perception of the art. Said differently, there is a deep and satisfying joy that arises when we become joyful at having the ability to perceive, at having working sense organs. Then, the joy and stability is present when we perceive the art, as well as when we move on and the art is removed from our view. Consider contemplating the impermanence of what you’re perceiving, and how unnecessary it is for your joy to be attached to the objects you’re perceiving. Then, seeing a piece of trash on your carpet and seeing the Mona Lisa both resonate with the harmony of existence, and your joyfulness becomes rooted at being a part of that, a seer of it, a participant of that moment.

    If the longing is accompanied by a dissatisfaction of who you are, such as shame and guilt for your unskillful actions, then perhaps spend some time considering the “selflessness” of your experiences. Your accomplishments and failures do not belong to you, you are part of a continuity of teachers and parents that stretches back a long time. As we honor our teachers for their help, and forgive them for their hindrances, then our connection to “how it is” remains deep and strong. Then, the energy of the universe flows through us unimpeded by pride or shame, and we can rest in the knowledge that we are exactly where we are, and what a blessing it is to be alive. Said differently, if you can rest knowing that you are simply a link in a chain, carrying a torch of love and wisdom in the present moment, then you’ll naturally erode making each moment about you, and dance across the surface of reality with more ease, more grace, and your authentic humility. This “fills the cup” whereby there won’t be an emptiness to produce the longing.

    Or, none of these if they don’t fit your circumstances. 🙂 Feel free to elaborate on how it feels, when it feels, or any more details as needed. Namaste, dear sister, may your grace warm your heart and the heart of those around you.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #48922
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Your insight is right on, as usual. I am aware of that tangle and it is born from, like you said: “you may feel that there is something wrong with you, such as some inherent or situational flaw that prevents you from being OK here and now.” This hurts, but when I let it sit on my heart, it rings with truth and peace.

    A little bit of history and elaboration: from early on, in my family, the focus was always on accomplishments and lavish praise was given for those. If any of us did not do what was “expected” or “approved” by our parents, deep disappointment was expressed. It still continues to this day, even though I am close to 40 and my brother to 30. When I talk about my accomplishments, I feel shame, and at the same time I feel a necessity to justify, or be justified, that I am worthy, that I am ok in some way or other just the way I am. I am fully aware of how ridiculous this is, yet it still is.

    Yes, I do feel that there is something inherently “wrong” or even different with me. Logically, I know this is not the case, we are all the same, we all have something wrong or right about us. As a result of this feeling, I am engaging in hermit-like behavior while at the same time longing for connection. The longing does not arise uniquely when it is quiet and still, but is almost ever-present. I long for “authentic humility” as you eloquently put it but it feels like it is slipping from me. Sometimes the pain is so strong that it feels like daggers piercing my heart. Then I breathe, and sit with it, I understand it, and want to avoid it. Mentally objectifying helps but the feeling shift is not here yet.

    What you said about considering the “selflessness” of my experience makes sense. One thing that I am contemplating is gratefulness for this experience so that I know not to repeat it with my own child. But at the same time there is a “fear” that I may go to the opposite extreme and not give enough attention to my daughter. Then I feel lost, inadequate, and long for wisdom to make good choices. It is funny, on the one hand I keep hearing how I am an inadequate mother (because I do not fit the mold of what is “expected” or “approved” by my parents) and on the other hand I keep receiving deep love from my child and expression that I am “the best mother ever.” And there goes again, that listing of accomplishments 😉

    Matt, how do you start/work on unraveling this crazy cycle and letting authentic humility in your heart? I often tell others to have patience, treat themselves with love, and accept that they are not perfect, but I have the hardest time doing this with myself. (I like the last thing you said about contemplating the selflessness of your experience. Could you elaborate a little bit as pertaining to what I said here.)

    Thank you, thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

    Helen

    #48948
    Helen
    Participant

    As I have been contemplating some more, a few more things of interest popped out.

    1. I seldom cry any more, but when I confronted the idea that I don’t feel ok as I am, I choked up, emotions welling up. I still smiled and felt a sense of peaceful acceptance but it hurt nonetheless.

    2. The phrase “when good people say hurtful things” keeps coming up in my contemplation. Here are some concrete examples of what I keep hearing my whole life from my parents: “You are so smart and able, it is such a shame you are not putting your talents to good use. You could have been a doctor and made us proud, instead you are wasting your life away. – Look how much your daughter loves you and you don’t even care about her. You need to feed her better and ‘whatever else they think I should be doing.’ – You need to be better to your man, if you don’t cook for him, he will not love you and will leave you. – We do everything for you and tell you these things for your own good, you are so smart and beautiful, how can you not listen to us when you know we love you so much and want what is best for you. You don’t even love us.”

    I hear these kinds of things over and over and over, like parrotting mantras. At times, my husband and I laugh at these things because they are so proposterous. I visualize my parents as two small children and I feel a deep sadness for them for holding such “poison” in their hearts. On a few ocassions I tried telling my mother how I felt when they said such things but it was received as “you don’t love us” so I stopped trying to express this directly. Instead, I started working on becoming an objective observer. When I feel anger, as I sometimes do, I pull away and refuse contact for a short while. Of course, that just delays everything for a short time.

    3. I pull away from contact with other people (I rarely approach people first). When people come to me, I genuinely want the contact and to be there for them in any way I can. I think I appear “perfect” and that may be a turnoff to many (even though I am never aloof, always smile, and have been told many times that I am very open and approachable, and I am far, far from perfect). I don’t usually talk about what pains me but always listen to others and offer wisdom, which they love and are appreciative for. I share my “talents” openly and without asking for anything in return (ok list now: I gift jewelry I make, I cut my friends’ hair, share ways to do things, etc…). I really don’t like to whine and complain and focus on the negatives, which in a way sets me apart from most people I know.

    I am trying to put a little more concreetness to that “longing.” Perhaps to accept myself as I am, to stop feeling so “isolated” and “different,” and to stop feeling like I have to prove something to the outside world. Boy, it feels like climbing a mountain!

    Another interesting visual came in meditation – Odo from Star Trek. He was searching for others of his kind; he lived in the form of a solid even though he was liquid. I can relate to this.

    #48966
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Thank you for your courage in opening up, you certainly brought it this time! Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy, and you’ve been walking that path for ages. Sometimes when our parents set up a very rigid value system, we have difficulty determining our own. As kids, we have no choice but to follow their lead, usually, because they are the food buyers, the hug givers, the shelter keepers and so on. Now, you’re 40, and even though you’ve moved on (mostly), both you and they have some stuck bits… as though you’re five and need pushing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that “mom” and “dad” aren’t people, they’re roles. In the eyes of a child, parents arent people, they’re like gods. This makes for some confusion, especially when our parents have their flaws. Said differently, imagine the sorrowful conflict that occurs in a child when god says the sky is green, but they look up and see blue. “Oh no”, she cries, “there must be something wrong with my eyes.” Or, my dear sister, when god says “You should desire this, act in such and such a way”, and she cries “but my vision sees something different, I guess I’ll just have to ignore my heart, or ignore my god.”

    This leaves many doors open that are unnecessary, many difficulties with boundaries inside us. For instance, your mom says “in order to keep your man, you need to stand on your head when he comes home from work.” But, when he comes home, not only does he not understand why you do such a thing, it doesn’t have the effect your mom described. The difficulty isn’t really the head standing, or his reaction, its in what happens next. “My mom said standing on my head would entice him. It didn’t. My mom is a god, omniscient, therefore I either did it wrong, or I’m so ugly that not even the head standing works for me.”

    Yes, rediculous. They. Don’t. Know. They think they know the trick to finding balance and joy, but they do not. The head standing is irrelevant to his heart. The material success they push you toward is meaningless, empty, their vision of what a “good life” looks like. This isn’t bad, its just their view. It isn’t wrong, they just aren’t you. Consider for a moment where joy blossoms for you. In the arms of your daughter is an obvious one, where the warmth and beauty of human life pulses through your every vein and pore. You have that, and what a blessing. Your heart and hers open together in the moment with appreciation and mutual respect, and the resulting blossoming is rich and wondrous.

    Consider for a moment what you might have if every time you saw your daughter, you felt fear that she’d grow up to be miserable. Then each moment would feel more like scrambling against the clock, trying to cram more survival gear into her head… so that she could weather the long and wintery path of life. After all, your love is strong, and the motivation to see her happy would easily push you to “save her at any cost”. Consider however, how little time and space you’d have to simply hold her in your arms. If you breastfed, perhaps you remember how when the feeding began, the your breasts would “let down” or “release” as the milk was reached for. The heart does the same, when we make time for it. A flood arises and pours over our loved one, and we feel ourselves wishing to give every bit of warmth, every drop of appreciative joy… and as we pour, they pour back. How beautiful it is to be a parent sometimes! If we’re scared all the time, taking time to just be there with her would seem like a waste.

    However, you and I know differently. We know that the joy of our life arises from giving ourselves freely to the growth and happiness of ourselves and those we connect to. A pile a money does nothing, being a doctor means nothing… those are just forms, expressions, vehicles of our service and happiness. They can help produce them, such as a doctor that spends her life helping people heal. Sure, that’s a blessing and a reasonable life aim. However, its only a vehicle. A janitor has the same opportunity to share joy, a hair stylist, a mother… whatever the vehicle, its in the “letting down” of our time and love that brings joy. Not the paycheck, not the “setting broken bones” or whatever. Ironically, or tragically, as your parents tried to fill up your backpack with tools for survival, they forgot (or never knew) that important aspect.

    The solution is actually very simple. Its time to grow up, Helen. Your parents aren’t gods, they’re just people, and its time you set up some boundaries. Consider for a moment, if a stranger came up to you on the street and told you that you were ugly, meaningless, and a terrible mother… would you be so quick to identify with their view? Would it stick? Later that night, after your loved ones were sleeping… would the voice of the stranger resurge within your mind and cause you to doubt your own senses? That perhaps your daughter’s tender words of appreciation were false as you tucked her in? Why give their suffering such gravity? Said differently, would your heart ever say those thing to your daughter? Would you call her ugly? Meaningless?

    Of course not, because when you look at her, there is tenderness, appreciation, and beauty. Its warm, fluid, nurturing. For me, when I am with my kids and relating to them as people, there is magic and warmth inside me. I do not doubt it is there in you too, as you brush her hair, hold her, play with her. That is the success, dear sister, for when the heart blossoms with compassion, and we give our time to the well being of all people (including ourselves) there is no greater joy to be found.

    So look again at this moment with your parents, as they push and pull and wish and criticize. What do they have in that moment? Not the magic, not the warmth… they have fear and dissatisfaction and judgment. They don’t get the blessing of a simple warm embrace, the beauty that fills the heart as they see their daughter smiling and joyous. They see failure, dissapointment, lost opportunity, and potential disaster. How sad for them! Not sad for them as kids, as teens. Sad now. They let sweet moments of heartfelt connection slide on by, in favor of trying to push more tools into your survival kit.

    This is where boundaries come in. Consider for a moment that it is up to you to be the champion of love and warmth. Much like you are the guide for your daughter. So, if your daughter said “mom, I want three hand fulls of sugar for breakfast”, you would say no. You have to balance honoring your daughter’s desire with her long term health, and so you set your foot down and reject that particular desire. However, sugar is sweet, and so your daughter throws a tantrum. “You don’t love me, you never listen to me, you don’t care.” On and on she stomps her feet, throws words at you, and you stand there and take it. Nod, smile, “yes my daughter, tantrum it out. You’re having cheerios this morning, not sugar. Weep and wail and lament, my resolve is here, and I see what’s best.” Finally, she begrudgingly eats the cheerios and moves on. She doesn’t notice, perhaps, but you do, that her energy is stronger for the whole day because of your resolve, your standing up to her tantrum with patience and stability.

    This is much like what it is like with your parents, and the boundaries will perhaps look the same. “I do not like to be spoken to in that way, and will get up and leave if it continues”. Don’t bother with the why, its complex enough on their side. Stick with the what. “I am 40, old enough that I do not have to put up with your criticism, and while you can choose to say whatever you wish to say, I can choose to break contact with you, and I will.” Don’t get mad, don’t play their game, don’t get sucked into the maze. They’re blowing their chance for the warmth and joy of being with trusted family, and much like eating handfuls of sugar, it isn’t good for you or them. As the one that has become more clear seeing, it is your responsibility to take action.

    Of course, there is every chance that they will throw a temper tantrum. “You don’t love us” and so forth. That is garbage, and highly ironic. You rest in a place of compassionate love (which slides into self criticism and longing and back again), and its your parents that are caught in the habit of criticism and distance. So when they say “you don’t love us”, they are not acting very loving.

    Internally, consider the path to authentic humility one of removing the pedestals and pits from our view of self, our heroes, and our villans. Buddha taught that we are born ignorant of how to find balance and joy, and we rely on our teachers and parents for most of our strategy on how to interact with the world. There is much incredible insight in the teachings that have been handed down through the ages, but it still comes from people, our brothers and sisters, and they have had the same limitations as we have, the same potentials. So, naturally there will be flaws and needed evolutions. Consider “Could Buddha use Facebook?” Or “Could Jesus drive a sick shift?” There is wheat and chaff, dear sister, in the teachings we receive and offer. Its just part of the way views are shared. So, as we sing our song, it appears to be our voice, but not our song. The song itself is part of a greater harmony, a system of balance and lessons that have pushed and pulled us along our path for a looong time. Said differently, you speak a language you didn’t create, think thoughts handed to you from your parents, have accomplishments that rest on the shoulders of giants, and so on. What is you is not any of those things. You are the warmth and light that shines when your daughter is in your arms. You are the smile that cuts the hair of your loved ones. Trust that. Feel that!

    Finally, as you meet up with your successes and failures, don’t grab onto them as proof of anything. You could precisely cut someone’s hair without warmth, and though materialistically is appears a successful cut, it was actually bittersweet because of the emotional apathy. Instead, we can see ourselves as a link in a chain, a prism of light within the world. We do our best to give authentically from the heart, and each moment is practice. There is never a perfect moment, a perfectly handled experience with your daughter, a perfect head of hair. There is only your skillfulness of varying degrees meeting up with the unknown, and the practice. True success, in the form of blossoming contentment, arises when we accept that, and in each moment release the “does this mean I did well” question, and appreciate the warmth inside and around us. This smooth mindedness arises with practice, and perhaps consider taking up a metta meditation practice to help develop such peace and concentration directly. Metta is the unconditional warmth and well wishing friendship we feel for others, and Buddha taught that it was incredibly freeing to practice. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta” on YouTube if interested.

    Namaste, dear sister, may contentment blossom deeply in your heart.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #48994
    miranam
    Participant

    Hi Helen,

    I second the answers here and I also wanted to add a different point of view.

    I sometimes disagree with the commonly adopted statement that “feelings and emotions are the result of our conscious or subconscious thoughts. I think that there is a purely organic, hormonal part of it. I have noticed that I tend to “long for something” and experience more sadness and anxiety in the morning hours, while in the afternoon and at night I feel more in peace with myself. I virtually could notice how a bad feeling initiate a bad thought. What I am trying to practice lately is the awareness of the feeling (emotion, sensation) and just trying to relax and accept that sometimes I feel this way without any reason. “Oh, it is just hormonal, it will pass” – I say to myself. I try to not believe in the thoughts which arise during this “hormonally induced” feelings.

    I am not trying to resist bad sensations anymore, this way they have less power and eventually subside.

    I don’t pretend holding the truth, but what if in your case you would feel this way regardless of your life circumstances, your relationship with your parents, your sense of self-worth and self-accomplishment. What if you are trying to put your finger on something which have a purely organic (genetic) explanation which you might want to work on accepting Just another perspective…

    I whish you a very best of luck in your soul search.

    #49006
    Mark
    Participant

    Helen,
    I have re-read your postings and still do not understand what you are longing for.

    Could you be more explicit for this clueless soul who cannot seem to figure out what you want?

    I apologize for not being able to figure this out from your eloquence.

    Metta,
    Mark

    #49007
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you, dear brother, for your kindness and observations. You confirmed many things my heart already knew (setting boundaries, growing up, …) and added more value contemplations in such eloquent and visual ways that I can relate to. I especially love the new mantra of “I am light and warmth.” This is indisputable, and when in my daily journey I encounter “doubts” I just have to come back to that.

    Another thing that came through meditation is the law of Karma. Because I followed my heart’s path instead of listening to my “gods” I am blessed with such wonder in my life that I can experience joy. Simply, I just have to keep following, and trusting, my heart above ALL else. Though, I do often meditate on being ok if I suddenly lost everything and everyone dear to me, because I know the impermanence of all things. This gives such a deep appreciation and intention to make every moment a precious one. Light and warmth, no matter what.

    I do enjoy guided metta very much. I will use Sharon Salzburg in my next meditation, thank you for suggesting it 🙂

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    #49008
    Helen
    Participant

    Miranam,

    Yes, you are absolutely right. I have noticed similar effects, for instance when I am very hungry I tend to feel “low” and my thoughts get clouded. In those moments I bring my awareness to the cause, hunger or whatever else it may be, and allow myself to feel that feeling for a time, knowing it will pass. I don’t fight those because I know there is no use, they just are and they will be replaced by something else eventually. This was one of the hardest things to do because it seemed so inexplicable but once I learned to just sit with it, like you did, it helped quite a bit. And of course, I would eat!

    Thank you for your encouragement 🙂
    Helen

    #49009
    Helen
    Participant

    And oh, I adore the visual of Buddha using Facebook and Jesus driving a stick shift! I had a nice belly laugh on that one 🙂

    #49010
    Helen
    Participant

    Mark,

    I appologize for being so poetic, I tend to do that (I wrote quite a bit of poetry when I was younger so this romanticism of language sticks with me when I write). Simply put, after I read Matt’s initial response, I sat with what he said and the longing and realized that it stems from low self esteem – I long to accept myself as I am and be ok with who I am. Disecting the little details (mostly my parents and upbringing) and contemplating on the specifics with poetic visuals (thank you, Matt) the core of it came to light. Now, it is a matter of using methods suggested to strenghten a new way of being, someone with healthy self-esteem, accepting myself and loving myself no matter what I hear from the outside world. This will take a lot of time and patience.

    And I have to tell you something very funny – I am only this poetic when I write. I tend to be quiet most if the time (the beauty of working in a library) so when I speak I chose my words carefully and they are usually much clearer 🙂

    I hope this helps a little bit to understand this conversation-thread.

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

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