fbpx
Menu

How to overcome loneliness

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHow to overcome loneliness

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #49030
    Penguin
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’ve just started my second term at university but today has only reminded me of how friendless I feel. I have tried so hard to be open and friendly and positive with people and practice kindness towards everyone, and I get on with people fine, but I just haven’t found a group of friends I can have fun with. I have a few friends scattered across campus but I don’t feel like I really click with them. Two of my best friends from home, who went to different universities, seem to have just fallen into perfect friendship groups with no particular effort, which – although I’m happy for them – exacerbates the feeling of loneliness and frustration I’m experiencing about my lack of friends. It doesn’t help that I’m in London where there are countless exciting things to do but I have no-one to enjoy them with!

    I’m very different from most people my age which I think hasn’t helped at all! I don’t enjoy drinking or partying; I’d much rather sit in with a good film and a mug of tea! I was in a great group of friends at college who were all like me in this respect, but I haven’t found anyone here who’s like this. I’ve tried joining societies but again I just haven’t found anyone I connect to yet.

    I don’t think I’m looking for advice on finding friends because I’ve tried my absolute best and, in a way, I’m tired of the struggle. What I’m really looking for is a mindset to adopt so that I don’t feel so lonely. I actually quite enjoy my own company and am happy to sit in with a book or a film or some good telly. But seeing my friends from home and most other people at uni having a brilliant time and getting loads of friends is badly getting me down. Any words of comfort or wisdom would be much appreciated.

    #49032
    Matt
    Participant

    Penguin,

    I’m sorry for the sense of isolation you experience, and know how agitating it is when we feel lonely. Sometimes when we feel jealousy for others, envy for their experiences, we miss out on the beauty that is around us. This stunts our own happiness, because we feel like we are missing out. A few things came to heart as i read your words.

    Ironically, as we look on with longing at the experiences of others, we do miss out. For instance, as you think about people drinking and having fun together, the tea in your hand doesn’t get as much attention, as much appreciation, and the joy that arises from drinking it diminishes. Quite naturally we feel lonely, like we are missing out, because we are! The tangle is only that we think we’re missing out on the “drinking buddies”, when what we’re really missing out on is the tea.

    The solution is actually simple and refreshing, but does take practice. We spend time wishing for the happiness of others, for them on their side. For instance, my daughter and niece sometimes like playing games. They get into it and completely ignore me, and as I see them and all their joy at playing their game, my heart quite naturally doesn’t become envious, jealous that I’m not playing with them. I simply see them, want them to have fun together, and rest peacefully and happily as I sit alone. Perhaps, as you see your friends connecting or people drinking together, consider how wonderful it is for them to be having fun. Accept that you’re not in the same place, physically (such as friends at other universities) and mentally/emotionally (not interested in drinking), but for them where they are, huzzah!

    This heartful and loving warmth is sometimes called metta, and where envy and jealousy cast a shadow on the heart, metta brings light. Said differently, envy and jealousy naturally erode as we spend time seeing and wishing for the happiness of others. Consider taking up a metta meditation practice, where you intentionally open and expand the light in your heart, your chest. Then whether you are alone, in a group, at a bar, watching a movie, or sipping your tea, your eyes will stay open to the garden around you. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube may sing to you, if you’re interested.

    Finally, consider that Buddha said that the community we connect to is one of the main components of our stability. When monks leave the sangha, sometimes they experience symptoms of a “tiger lost in the woods” and their practice and mindfulness diminishes in strength. Said differently, even as our loneliness can be resolved internally, it still helps us to connect with like minded people. Perhaps consider a local meditation group, yoga center, or Buddhist sangha. Even if you’re not “spiritual” in the same way, those places often attract people that similarly prefer sobriety to intoxication, soft to loud, and peace to chaos. Don’t be afraid to move on, but don’t give up looking! 🙂

    Namaste, friend, may you find peace and contentment.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #49101
    suma
    Participant

    Hi Penguin

    I am a 21 year old girl who faces the same problem. I chose to move out of my city for studying on the hopes of having better exposure and extending my social network. but within few days I realized that I have no friends at all there. We both sail in the same boat. No matter how much effort I put in order to make good friends the attitudes never match. I stay alone in my room, have food alone, attend classes alone, travel alone and the list just goes on. The worst was when I got very ill and there was not a single person to help me out. And when I look at my friends back home I feel the same as you. Three months ago, loneliness started to take a toll over me. I started hating everyone around me for not being with me. My grades started going down and I stopped talking even with my family members. And there came all the people who were very much concerned to know why I was alone rather than helping me out. But last week I gave a deep thought into what I really want for myself to be happy and not feel lonely. I chose solitude over loneliness. I would rather be a little down than heartbroken. I started doing new things, learn about new stuffs, take up online courses, plan for the future , and where I would like to see myself two years from now. And now if someone asks why I am alone I can always say I prefer being alone. it is the best time one can get to improve himself rather than just having fun. And on the other note, I have a guy who has had the best times of his life in the same place with his friends and is regretting it now as it is affecting his personal life and professional life. He does give me companion but at the end of the day solitude is bliss. you need not have to break your head about anyone. I very well know how it means not to have any friends and feel lonely. But give a deeper thought – do you have an option? And remember if having friends needs one to party and drink then that would not make good friendship. I don’t know how far you will benefit from whatever I have told but at least don’t feel bad for not having friends.There are hundreds of people out there experiencing the same. I suggest you read the book How the Monk sold his Ferrari in case you like reading. And you can always discuss your feelings here and I would be there to help you out 🙂 🙂 Life is more than just having friends.Do not worry for what you don’t have and put yourself down. Rise up and look at what all you can do. On a lighter note, I feel happy sometimes that I am not answerable to anyone in the university and do what I like.

    Love
    Suma

    #49111
    Cynthia Belmer
    Participant

    I understand how painful this is…I’ve been there so many times especially that I moved from country to country, state to state….

    Last year, I felt that I have my husband my dogs in my life… no social life, no fun outside of me and my husband… I was looking for some like-minded people for year but I often found an excuse to why I don’tget along with them ect…. I’m a big introvert and I don’t like to mix up with groups just for the sake of making friends. So, what I decided to make things happen for me… I set my intention of meeting like minded friends and I created a meetup group that I called: Spiritual, intellectual and super fun group. The description of the group was exactly what i desired. In my head I said: I have nothing to lose so I might as well make it the way I want. Guess what? Everyone who joined my group were very much like me. It was a great way to meet like-minded people.

    One essential thing though is to accept reality…that’s what helped me move forward…., when we truly admire who we are and become friends with ourselves.. this is when we allow openness and spaciousness into our life…this is when we’re not afraid of rejection and instead we accept and welcome what is…

    #49132
    memm
    Participant

    Hey Suma, I think you should think more about your current point of view; it’s not a good one in my experience. I know because I had it and no matter how good you think you are at being solitary eventually it’ll build up until you feel like you have to do something terribly drastic.

    Thinking that you are better off alone is just disconnecting yourself from other people, even the people you potentially click with, but you won’t give them a chance, it’s something you might not even be noticing. It builds bad ideas in your head, sometimes subconsciously, like arrogance. There’s also more to friendship than common interests, don’t cut yourself off, just be open with other people and I’m sure eventually you’ll find ones that you “click” with.

    Trust me; thinking you’re better off alone might seem like a great idea at the beginning but it can quite honestly destroy you in the long run.

    Look around more, there are way too many people to think than none of them could be your friends, you might have to open up to more possibilities.

    #49136
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hey,
    As others have said, i’ve definitely experienced this feeling countless times in my life and i’m sure practically everyone does. I’m sure even your friends who appear to have a solid, fun social group still have insecurities. The grass is always greener. Sure, it may seem that they have everything they need socially, but it tends to be human nature that once you have something you begin to take it for granted and to wish you had more, to be/look ‘better’. Nobody ever reaches the point where they go ‘right, everything’s perfect. I’m great and my life is great’ (at least not for very long). This is because things like this are manifested in the exterior, often in the form of status, outward appearance, money, ‘success’ etc. In short, in things you can see.

    Also, if you use social media please, please consider either taking a break from it or using it much less. It can be used as a torture instrument to remind yourself relentlessly of all the things other people seem to have and all the things you ‘lack’. You don’t lack anything 🙂 you sound like a wonderful person who is a great friend and great company. Social media is a messed up way for people to try to deny their insecurities, big themselves up and make it look like their lives are incredible. Rarely is this a true reflection of their reality. At the least, it is an enhanced one. Be confident to embrace your authenticity.

    And as the old saying goes, you tend to get what you want when you stop looking for it 🙂

    I hope this helps a little

    #49370
    Ciara Delaney
    Participant

    a

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.