I thought I would add to my last post.  The first 2 serious relationships of mine seemed a lot more positive now I look back on them but I didn’t feel like they were my type, not as laid back. However my first girlfriend has stuck with me throughout the years in thoughts etc. the psych told me it’s normal to think of exes even if it’s more than you’d like when in a relationship. However I thought about her more as time went on with my ex, maybe it has to do with how bad things were getting and a part of me was missing someone who treated me better and was more reasonable and rational.

I went to high school with this girl but we dated years later, being my first girlfriend also maybe it is why certain things she said stuck with me. The main thing being what I said on an earlier post – “I should’ve fought earlier” so now I feel like I always fight straight away. Strike while the irons hot is what I believe. Although I do push it too far and probably don’t give exes enough space after break ups.

Another thing that really stuck with me is how I broke up with my first girlfriend and I’m not sure if it has any significance. Basically she was also withdrawing off her medication and was in a bad spot as well, however I was smoking and doing other drugs at the time so my head was very clouded and foggy. I didn’t understand she would need help and I wasn’t fully in the relationship mentally from my memory. So my first break up was during my partners withdrawals too. Anyway the night it happened she called me crying saying come over and I said okay I can, however she said don’t come if you’ve smoked. I had finished work and already was stoned by that point. After a little argument she left me. What was so confusing for me though was when we spoke again after no contact she said something to me along the lines of “I know I said don’t come if you smoked but you should’ve just come anyway, I called you crying asking for help!”.

As I said I’m not sure if any of this means much but it was just a few things that have always lingered on my mind throughout relationships especially. Now I think of it a lot of these relationships with my exes have similarities.

Hey Tee,

She definitely felt offended and that I didn’t love her at times, why else would she complain about not being a priority of mine etc. I told my psych that it hurts because she didn’t understand how I loved her and loved me differently. She replied and told me that my ex would also be feeling the same towards me, that I didn’t love her how she did. It was interesting and also hard to hear that.

I think when i just need a mental break it triggers my daydreaming a bit. Smoking does as well. Movies and just media in general can trigger a feeling of wanting to daydream. They can last maybe between 5 – 15 minutes. When I was a teenager, I would go on walks to allow time for my daydreaming.

I think this could be a reason as to why I’m finding it so difficult over being related to my childhood. I really felt ready and like she was going to be the one for me. She fueled my fantasies with her comments too. I had that fate and destined feeling straight away with her. Now I’m worried it will return if she reaches out at any time, and it probably will still be there for a long time. I think it has to do with me being too readily available at times and giving people my all straight away. I am even worried about getting this destined feeling with anyone not just her as I feel like it had made it so much harder for me this whole time. I am still hanging onto hope for some silly reason. My psych said to me that I have ‘drawn the line in the sand’ however i can’t cross this line. I feel stuck in limbo still. This week has been much harder than last, I feel as I’m getting worse with time. Work is being affected and I’m very unmotivated, so I am going to take some time off soon.

I have really hoped anything would be different. My biggest hope since early teens was probably to get a girlfriend and then as I left school, I finally started getting them, but I still have not made it to 12 months with a partner. They always leave and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. There was a trend where I was always questioning myself with all my exes and my last relationship was the worst for this. She told me once during an argument that something is wrong with me and it really hurt. It made me feel like I was in the wrong and the cause of all issues and arguments.

I tied everything about our futures together and that’s what I always told her. My priority was my future together, so it’s our future. She would see this as her not being the priority in the moment. She was never able to envision the future like I did. I don’t feel stronger or wiser yet. I really feel like if she reached out to me I would do it all to myself again and that’s a fear of mine.

No her father was not a positive figure if you ask me. He was very strict with her as a child and honestly it sounded like he neglected a bit. She said he was physical at times and would shout etc over tiny things. A week before we broke up it was her sisters birthday, there was a massive argument when they went out for dinner because he didn’t get the right sauce. It reminded me of my ex in a way, like he didn’t get what he wanted so now everyone has to suffer despite being a birthday celebration and it ruined the night. My ex told me he actually said “this is why I didn’t want to go out, because it always ends in an argument”. He seemed a tiny bit misogynistic, but I could be wrong. I remember him calling her friend a ‘slut’ once to me and in front of my ex. Luckily her friend was outside at the time, he didn’t realize she was actually there. It was weird that she used him for support at times, I think it was only at night because he would be up until 4am for example, similar to her. Also similar to her he was very unstable and could snap at any minute.

I think all this trauma, unresolved mental health, no desire for therapy, reducing medication without guidelines, no work for nearly 6 months or general direction in life, small friend group who weren’t always a positive influence just to name a few things. One of these by themself is enough to damage a relationship I feel. It was a whole concoction of what I just listed. I just want to be done with all this but I am struggling to do what’s best for myself.

I am getting trapped in thoughts and there hasn’t been any real relief about all of this yet. I’m still hurt over how she actually ended it.

I am not sure if this is significant but I forgot to add there were a few times my ex told I treat her like her Dad. However I was completely different to her father. She also said her ex was similar to her father but agreed with me that I wasn’t in a lot of ways very early on in the relationship. Not sure why that changed and she said I treat her like that at times.

I was thinking about messaging her ex just to see what his experience was. Do you think that is a wise idea or I should avoid opening that can of worms?

I just deleted our messages in my phone as I caught myself looking through old messages. She definitely seemed a lot happier and grateful early on. Messaging me during the days and mornings at work compared to blunt and short  conversations later on. I know it was the honey moon stage then though. My psych actually explained the cycle of abuse to me and how it works. You have a honey moon stage, then something’s happens, then apologies follow and you make up and end up in the honeymoon stage for something to happen again leading to more apologies. She asked me if that seemed familiar and it really was. Every couple months we were splitting and then going through this cycle. With my past ex it made me realise that the relationship was a lot healthier as we went a whole 9 months and then split but never got back together. My psych also spoke about trauma bonding and made it clear that it wasn’t my trauma that was causing it by rather hers.

Hey Tee

As an example of being sarcastic I would say things like ‘I love this movie’ if there was a really boring movie on tv.

No I never said anything with bad intention to her. Maybe she took certain things the wrong way though more than I thought. But she would always argue that there’s no good way to take certain things I said.

I notice a few ways we are similar. We’re both a bit quiet but make others laugh. Both honest, humble, have the same smile, I could name a lot of different things.

No my father was really good to me, maybe I did try emulate him a bit when I was younger I’m not sure though.

I would have no idea as to why there may be something I both long and fear. I don’t think I’m scared anymore. Not right now but eventually in time I’ll be in the right spot for a partner.

Im not offended at all, I really appreciate you talking to me it’s helping a lot!
I still feel like I did receive a good amount of attention, I don’t know if it is related to my childhood or not.

I saw the psych today and it went really well. She told me my ex had a push pull attachment style. She’d pull me in then push me away. We spoke about a lot and she made me feel very safe and reassured. She said it was clearly abuse. I know What I need to do for myself so I will continue to do it.

I have thought about some of what I said today. I honestly did do a lot of fun stuff as a child and at times that kid does come out. I remember when we went looking for shells together and I was like a little kid then, however she did bring that out at the time.

I am quite sarcastic with my partners and just in general. To me it’s a way of being playful. I tend to innocently tease a bit as well, which has caused my partners needing reassurance at times because of their insecurities. Like that time I brought up how she rolls over and turns away from me in bed, I teased her slightly saying I don’t care but I think it’s cute. However it got taken the wrong way.

I am a bit of a goof I realised as well, especially in public. I am not afraid of making a fool out myself and looking stupid, I think all my partners have enjoyed this about me and seen I have a playful side. However I do still have that calm and balanced side. Similar to my father my mother said, not too excited but not unsatisfied. My Mum compares me a lot to my Dad. My friend told me to look at my ex in comparison to my Mother saying, “would she ever end up being the woman your mother is?”. And he’s right she wouldn’t be I don’t think. I’m saying this because I was trying to think of ‘my type’ and I struggle with this, along with what I actually liked about all my exes. I feel like my type is someone like my Mother, someone who is caring, respectful, rational, loving, responsible and hard working just to name a few things. In saying all of this I do get very attached to almost anyone who I think is attractive and gives me attention. I think of compatibility early on and get high hopes for the future.

Lastly, Have you ever heard of maladaptive daydreaming? I think I may have something similar. Ever since I was a child I have been a huge day dreamer, excessive at times. I noticed my Father had similar mannerisms to my own when I day dream, maybe he does too. I have never spoken to him about it. I may be looking into things too much but maybe this is adding to my beautifying of the relationship and my hopes of rekindling.

Hey Tee

So have you experienced a similar situation to mine. I do feel as the finishing piece would be to have a loving long term partner who understands me. I have been successful in a lot of other ways and completed lots of goals of mine already at a reasonable age. Ever since I was young I’ve longed for a real partner.

Maybe I did loose some of these qualities I’m not actually sure about that. I don’t feel like I’ve been a spontaneous person at all, I’m a lot more about planning and calculating. Maybe this is where we also didn’t see eye to eye. In terms of playfulness and childishness I definitely get glimpses of it however at times I am not playful at all and quite dull like we talked about earlier. I think with my ex I became really drained from everything and it made me less inclined to be playful towards the end. It felt like I was a parent more than a partner at times. She actually complained we didn’t play fight and she would ask for attention, similar to a child.

I think her passion for her craft really intrigued me. She was into crystals, chakras etc and I never have been a spiritual person like that. I found it interesting but not convincing. I think this was also a big difference for her. She read into a lot of things because of her knowledge on chakras etc and I think this is where comments like “your body is rejecting mine” came from. In saying that I admired how much she really enjoyed making necklaces etc.

I did spend time doing stuff with my parents that you would consider fun as a child. I tried sports, musical instruments, art but I only really enjoyed gaming as a child. It was my escape and still is. I did pursue athletics for a few years and enjoyed bmx riding but as I aged I didn’t enjoy spending my time doing that as much during school especially. I will speak with my psych about this tomorrow as well as everything we’ve touched on recently.

So it was wrong of me to push her? Or it was wrong of me to expect that pushing her would start the change?
Okay I do understand what you are saying. I expected her to change and thought my efforts would make it happen?

I am slowly realizing it wasn’t my destiny and I think I always knew this. I think if she stuck around and didn’t leave so much I would’ve felt more destined with her. I think if someone pushes through those tough times with me and shows me they can change and want too then I get that destined feeling. However I’ve never had that, only glimpses with her.

I ended up telling her she was getting blocked just out of courtesy but i don’t think she really cared. However I told her she can reach out in the future if she wants to share stories one day. I don’t think she will but I will be in a better spot by then. I think I’m getting very close to ending the chapter of my life and actually moving on. I’m just over it by now. It gets me thinking about my past exes and relationships. I always have a soft spot for my past women it’s almost a comfort thing.

I am struggling to not beautify the relationship. I know it was quite toxic, manipulative and controlling. But I just have that feeling within me that I could’ve made anything work with this person. Almost as if it’s meant to be for a reason and we will reconnect. I know this isn’t a good mindstate to have but I am having trouble actually fully moving on and deleting her from my life.

It really hurts and I’ve been trying my best to accept it more what it was I am just finding it hard.

Hey Tee,

Yes doing it alone didn’t help her I think. It put more pressure on me as well to always be there. She didn’t have many friends, her best friend ghosted her a lot and ditched plans. I think this again put more weight on me as I was expected to be there for her when a friend wasn’t despite what’s happening in my life.

I have been day dreaming a bit but my ration self does exist and I know it’s always there I just have to learn to use it more and train myself. It really does feel like it’s over this time so I know I need to go all the way and move on completely. It was a terrible experience but it was also one where I learned valuable lessons. But I can’t actually think of these lessons I learned right now. Could you help me with writing some of these down? I guess one lesson I learned is I think to be firm, honest and  stand my ground regardless of how the other person is feeling or being scared of triggering them.

She had a lot of qualities I admired. She was very Loving at times, spontaneous, had interesting hobbies. Just to name a few. I almost liked how she had highs and lows to a certain degree. I feel when I am my normal best self I am just in the middle ground. Just balanced. I was very comfortable around her at times.
I’m not sure what quality she may have had that I don’t possess.

She definitely did seem more laid back in the beginning. Almost like she was expecting more and more as time went on. I remember her asking about moving in with me I said not at first but she would still be over a lot, about 6 days. She got very upset. However when I moved out she didn’t want to spend more time together it seemed. She would go home and start arguments about how we don’t spend quality time and other things. However I was always open to doing different things which we did early on. As time went on it got stale and I don’t think she was enjoying life in general so she didn’t want to do anything it seemed like at times.

I am actually finding it hard to think of more qualities. I want to say she was honest and caring but she wasn’t all the time. It was a lot of chaos with her. I guess she actually fun and she got me out doing different things. We went camping a lot which I hadn’t done since I was a kid. She was very crafty and made necklaces, collected shells which we would do together. She was a bit childish which I liked and I think she brought out my inner child. Maybe that’s what I liked about her and what I’m attached too.