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AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Honestly at the moment Iām doing better but I am still struggling. I think the hardest thing for me is just accepting that in the end she didnāt care. I am finding it hard to fully move on. Itās been 5 weeks and I feel myself still holding onto things. I am catch myself still wanting to check her socials and even detour past her place at times, Iām not sure why. I actually saw her when I was driving the other day but she didnāt see me. What was really odd though was what she was wearing. The jumper I got back off her when we broke up she has gone and found someone selling it (they donāt sell them anymore). I just found it really odd that she got the exact same jumper as the one she returned, I obviously left an impression on her in someway.
I think youāre right, she never seemed open to therapy. She did mention if things get really bad we would do couple therapy but she told me she knows we can always work things out. She knows she needs therapy she is just avoiding it. She admitted after our last break up that it was completely reasonable and she does need it.
The bad break ups started happening before she reduced her medication. Probably due to the trauma and her reading into everything. In saying that reducing her medication definitely caused problems towards the end. It was always revolving around her withdrawals. My psych found it odd that itās still occurring saying she shouldnāt be getting withdrawals every 2 weeks, might just be another cop out.
I did trust that she would heal on her own. I was very accepting of her moods as well. But I did show resistance because it started affecting me and I think she realised I was acting different. Only she didnāt want to accept that it was due to her āhealing processā. Ā I actually told her myself that I donāt say much to her because I know she is easily triggered especially while reducing medication. I also told her that she will do it all herself but I will be there the whole way. So I guess I was saying āIāll take whatever you throw at me because I trust you are going to heal so in the meantime focus on yourself and treat me however you feelā. It honestly seemed like thatās what I was trying to tell her and I was okay with it.
Yes I definitely adore the spontaneity. At first we hit it off however the next day she told me she canāt talk and needs to figure herself outā¦ foreshadowing early on. I left my number and said msg me anytime! She ended up texting me a few weeks later and I knew she would, that gut feeling was there. Again we hit it off and basically hung out the next day and the rest is history. So she almost chased me at first, she instigated the first date etc and I loved that. I feel like she got more uptight and judgemental of me as time went on.
They were basically her exact words Tee. She didnt feel like she was her true self when she was on medication and she wanted to be off them. She wanted off them because she didnāt want to live her life on medication and she wanted to feel and enjoy things not on any medication basically. I think she thought something was wrong with her. She asked me many times if I thought something was wrong with her too.
I really did fall in love with her in the beginning and maybe thatās all it is. I loved her at the start but eventually there wasnāt much to love. Although I still did love her. She really left a mark on me and I feel like I want to chase that high again that we had on the beginning. Whether itās with her or another person I think thatās what I want to feel at the moment but I know eventually good things will come.
I have a psych appointment tomorrow Iāll let you know how it goes!
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Itās starting to feel good. Iām still up and down but this whole week Iāve felt mostly up. I think now itās been a month Iāve learnt to accept it and also the thought of if she will reach out has faded a lot.
I donāt think you are blaming or judging me, everyone Iāve spoken to understands that itās hard for me considering I was manipulated and controlled. I am learning to detach I think Iāve realised it was my inner child who was attracted to certain things about her. My inner child really did want this if thatās the case.
Yeh when we last got back together she basically said itās up to me if I want to stick around for her ā6 or so month healing processā so basically until she was off her medication. I told her Iām here all the way, we spoke about therapy once she has an income but she didnāt get a job despite getting numerous offers.
I would say she didnāt want to accept the toll it took on me and I also didnāt want to tell her either. However she did say to me that she knows she is a lot to handle. An example of holding onto the past was when I told her that I have walls and a guard up because of the last break ups and she has to gain my trust again. She basically said I shouldnāt hold onto whatās happened in the past as now is all that matters to her. She wanted me to blindly trust her.
I think it will just be a personal achievement as I donāt know if it relates to me being a good partner but more the idea of it being a good relationship because we reached a milestone.
I do see why I fought now and I understand a lot more; my mind is starting to get clearer.
I think itās very ironic. I am genuinely an easy to please person. A lot of people and not just my partners have said this to me and Iāve come to realise majority of them are not actually easily pleased.
I do jump into relationships quickly now I think of it. This one in particular was an unexpected one. I think I am so attached to how it all started which made it a bit harder. It was very spontaneous and natural and thatās what I wanted from meeting someone new and I think thatās what I miss and I try hold onto.
I will still try post here but I have been feeling a lot better this week so Iām looking forward to seeing how I feel this weekend.
Thanks again!
AdamParticipantSorry for the last message format!
AdamParticipant<p class=”p1″>Hey Tee</p>
<p class=”p1″>Thanks for the reply! </p>
<p class=”p1″>I had a very rough weekend but it was also productive! I hope yours was good š</p>
<p class=”p1″>In saying that I am feeling a bit different today. Itās been the best Monday Iāve had in months now I think of it. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I thought I did accept her for how she was? I understood she was a lot to handle and yes I wanted her to change how she felt about herself thinking it would make our relationship healthy. I figured what I suggested were all healthy paths for change and healing. </p>
<p class=”p1″>That was the exact reason she left work. Well the main one atleast. She didnāt want to be withdrawing or take time off while working from what she told me. It also seemed like she was very picky and particular with the work she wanted to do. Similar to the relationship she left her few jobs she had when I knew her very quickly over nothing too major.
</p>
<p class=”p1″>I do feel like I have a low self esteem at times then. When I opened up about my anxiety she usually was understanding however now I think of it whenever my anxiety was related to her she wasnāt so much. Like when she told me I should trust her and not go hold onto the past. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I know Iām not perfect but looking back I was trying everything to achieve that. She was toxic in everyoneās book except her own I think. </p>
<p class=”p1″>What your saying is making a lot of sense I felt guilty asking for my own time and itās reassuring I was only wanting my own time to protect myself. Again it was a lose lose situation for me. </p>
<p class=”p1″>What you said here – āYour entire struggle is that you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please, but whom you want to please, so you can feel good about yourself. So that you can feel worthy of love. Thatās I believeā</p>
<p class=”p1″>This really hit hard for me when I first read it. I think it makes a lot of sense as to why Iād be attracted to this in my head. I do feel like I have something to prove at times. For example at the moment I want to prove to myself that I can have a partner for 12 months. I just look forward to those anniversaries I think. </p>
<p class=”p1″>She was very unstable and fragile. Almost anything would set her off at times. A movie I picked, turning off a light, not giving a piggy back. These ālittle thingsā are what she saw as my imperfect love and I think she just didnāt feel the love I was giving due to her mental state and past trauma. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I know Iām worthy of love but I think itās more that I havenāt really felt it from a partner. I just feel like Iām the ānice guyā sometimes who they loved but not how they want. </p>
<p class=”p1″>Yes it was about 6 months in when I started writing letters, this was when the break ups were getting worse. I think this was the fourth time. I have exactly what I wrote if youād like to know some details. I said things like āchange is just around the corner, these difficult times are what builds strong relationshipsā. I said a bunch of other things too. I really poured my heart out to her numerous times thatās what makes it hurt a bit more. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I realise I shouldnāt have fought but I genuinely couldnāt help myself. I am a big believer on just going all the way but I can see how it may be a turn off. I just have to do certain things otherwise I will regret it. I found out the hard way though. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I think I did look for validation in this girl. It makes a lot of sense, I was only getting a crumbs but they made me happy at times. She really didnāt put much effort in towards the end either. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I look back and remember the feeling I had when I first met her etc and it was great. It reminds me of a high and it felt like we kept on having that after break ups. It was the cycle of abuse. </p>
<p class=”p1″>Speaking on when we first met I remember it was so spontaneous, no planned dates we just hung out and instantly hit it off, there was obviously chemistry and attraction. I think I was chasing that feeling of love especially here by chasing a carefree girl. I remember how much more effort she put in and how much happier she seemed when working and on medication. </p>
<p class=”p1″>So until I have healed the core wound a relationship isnāt a good idea? Does that mean this wasnāt a good idea in the first place for me? I felt she was the main issue in the relationship was I a cause of the problems too then?</p>
<p class=”p1″>I am focusing on myself as I said in the beginning I feel quite good today. Working out and doing daily duties but still smoking only a lot less. Itās the first real day where i had a moment of feeling amazing knowing I donāt actually need her and I accepted what happened and told myself I didnāt even want to go back to her. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I will speak to my psych about my need to prove that Iām worthy of love.</p>
<p class=”p1″>Thanks again Tee Iād also love to get to the root of the problem. </p>
<p class=”p2″></p>AdamParticipantHey Tee,
I don’t think I got that from my own parents marriage. My parents have had small fights but there was never anything dramatic. My mother always said when she has a little argument with Dad which is very rare she knows that her and Dad wont always see eye to eye on everything but thats okay. I think I got this idea from a friend. He supported me through these break ups and he had issues in the past with his now fiancĆ© and he told me its hard work and no relationship is perfect.
It’s funny you mention I made a vow because that’s genuinely what I did. After each break up I would say to myself something along the line of ‘if this girl takes me back then she’s the one, I have to do everything right’. I said that with my ex before this as well. I know I wasn’t the actual cause of this break up but I think I was a bit of the cause in previous relationships and I think thats where this vow developed as well.
You’re right at the end of the day regardless of what she was going through I was abused. A professional psychiatrist told me ‘this is clearly abuse and your relationship was a cycle of abuse’. It’s a hard pill to swallow. As you’ve said before it was nothing special but to me it felt so precious. After break ups I modified a lot of different things. I changed smoking, tried to be at her place more, do what she was wanting to do, tried being proactive with dates etc. but in the end she didnt modify anything. The only thing that changed for her was she left work, started changing medications and started studying at the very end. None of these benefit her mental health for a start. The cycle of abuse as exactly what our relationship was but I don’t want to believe it. We would be so amazing for a couple months then something would happen and shed leave then we would reconcile. However towards the end it felt like nearly every week she was bringing something new or old up as a way to criticize me for not being present and being there for her.
So I do suffer from low self-esteem? Because that’s exactly what happens, I start second guessing myself and that’s not what I should be doing in a relationship. I feel like she was making me question my sanity at times by the things she said. I will never forget when she said ‘what is actually wrong with you’. I straight away apologized and said I’m sorry I should open up about my anxiety more to you. All her bad behavior and insecurities made me question myself as a partner. In reality I was a fantastic partner and she was toxic and manipulative, but again I don’t want to accept that for some reason. I’m glad you reassured me that I withdrew naturally because I wasn’t sure if I was purposefully doing it. There were times like when I asked for a night to myself. However we know what happened after I asked for that, so it stopped. She was trying to control me and punish me for not being her ‘ideal partner’ in the moment.
I can’t bear the thought of her being critical of me because it was unwarranted in my eyes. She had no reason to say the things she did. I do believe I am a good person and partner but there is always things I can improve on as well. In past relationships I have had the thought of something is wrong with me. Although this time after the break up I haven’t at all really. In reality something is wrong with her but I never told her that. Maybe saying something is wrong with her isn’t the right word, but she was traumatized and was on major anti depressants, anti psychotics at 17, she was taking valium to try self medicate as well at times. She had a lot of issues and didn’t want to face the music.
I was physically attracted more to my past exes I believe. Where as this girl I definitely found good looking but her beauty grew on me as time went on, like she became more beautiful to me physically overtime. I was more attracted to her personality and that’s what dragged me in. It didn’t feel forced it felt so natural now I think of it.
It does feel like so many things I have done would please others. Everyone I have told has reassured me I did everything and I have nothing to prove to her. My inner child still wants to reach out and see how she is and if she has moved on or feeling how I am etc.
I do resonate with being attracted to sensitive and fragile girls. I want to shelter them from the world. I think it’s more that I want to prove to them that I can be that support and I can help them help themselves. I have always been intrigued by women with a ‘damaged side’ lets call it. Somethings about it draws me in and as you said I find it commendable to stick with someone through their issues. I genuinely believed that’s what creates those unbreakable bonds, I told her this in a letter when we broke up about 6 months ago. I told her things would change because I believe change is inevitable. Little did I know it wasn’t me that needed to make many adjustments but rather my ex.
What would a healthy motivation be to stick with your partner through thick and thin? I really still believe she was very close to being right for me, I still don’t know if I did pick her due to my unmet emotional needs. The psych told me I may not have been as spontaneous or playful as her. But I was still childish and a joker and I have always been this way with other partners too. What do you think I am looking for in a partner when you talk about my unmet emotional needs?
It does feel like I get dragged into that feeling of fulfillment very quick. I like to be exclusive with people straight away basically and I think that’s to do with me being a jealous person. I always ask partners early on if we are exclusive and they all say the same thing ‘I don’t have time for anyone else but you’. It makes me feel special and wanted, fulfilled. Then soon enough we end up in a relationship. Your idea that it’s a craving feels so real to me. It genuinely feels like a high I want in my life, already I am so keen to get into a relationship or something exclusive but I know it’s not a good idea. Not until I am actually over my ex at least.
I am glad I am making progress because it does feel like it, only slow progress. But progress is progress! I don’t want to manifest it but I think I have a slow recovery ahead of me.
Okay it good to hear I was just escaping the lows and avoiding more criticism. I would always wake up and regret not seeing her the next day because I know she would continue to criticize me even then. So a lot of the time my thought was ‘either I go tonight when I don’t want to but tomorrow I will avoid a fight/criticism or I don’t go and tomorrow I am the cause of another argument, another negative she pick at’. This was my thought process for most of this year and it isn’t healthy when I look at it that way. It just seems like a lose-lose situation for me. It would frustrate me so much just knowing each night after work I could be looking at an argument. The alternative was come over to my place but she always had a ‘valid excuse’ to want to stay at home. My excuse of working until 4pm then cleaning, cooking, walking and feeding the dog, making lunches etc. were never an excuse. She actually use to say to me I didn’t have an excuse not to be there for her at times when I genuinely had good reasons.
Okay if she reaches out I will keep it first person. My psych told me not to mention therapy etc. but to say that we both have things we need to do before we reconnect. You think its better to keep first person. I don’t see it as an assumption really. I see this relationship still as fixable but she needs to do certain things and I believe it is mainly therapy and work. I always have reached out to my exes 2-3 months later for some reason just to check in. Would you say this is unwise with this ex? or all in that case?
You made a lot of sense today Tee! I appreciate you a lot, you’ve honestly been such a big support for me. My friends are starting to get over it. They have my best interest at heart because I know they don’t want me going back or getting hurt again in the future. They are supportive overall in say this. I hope I’m not overwhelming you with all this drama. I do want to find this core problem. From what I’ve gathered it’s to do with me finding a sense of worth within a partner? or proving im worthy of love? Is that what your leaning towards? I had this discussion with my best friend who also felt a girlfriend was the last piece to the puzzle, although we both found out it wasn’t.
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
I think this ‘vow’ came because I genuinely thought we were inseparable and that we were meant to be together. I always understood relationships are hard work and never perfect. If I didn’t stick around when my partner treated me bad nothing would’ve changed. I honestly believe it would’ve been another example of me not loving or caring to her. I think if I was the one to not stick around and move on id be regretting it now, I needed to see it through especially after my other break ups I didn’t really fight or see things through at first. But it would show them that I wouldn’t put up with their shit, although I wanted to show my ex that I will always be there. I get in my head that she didn’t actually mean it. She always spoke about how she feels like she just does things and she cant control it, I think all the conflicted thoughts she had makes it harder for me to let go of the attachment. It wasn’t like she said ‘I love someone else’ or anything. There was always a follow up apology followed by a connection and I think that is still what I am hoping for and I am trying to accept that I may not get that ontop of it not being healthy at the moment.
I remember asking myself am I really a shit boyfriend? I was so conflicted in thought and wasn’t sure if it was abuse or I was overthinking. I knew I was being distant and I was kicking myself a bit for that. It was very hard for me to process at the time. But I knew something was up during our last argument. She just seemed so critical of me and everything I did. I am really struggling not too reach out to her at the moment. I feel such strong feelings today, yesterday I was telling myself I am doing well and I have a good routine going and I just have to move on. However today I just can’t help but think of the what ifs.
I think I could be attracted to the protector role. All my relationships have had similarities when it comes my exes criticism of me. My exes all brought up gaming, smoking and affection. I wouldn’t say I feel unworthy if my partner isn’t pleased with me but I do feel like I failed to some degree. However I don’t think my first 2 partners were impossible to please, I do think it just wasn’t the right time for me and I wasn’t sure if it was actually what I wanted. This time I knew what I wanted and thats why I fought so hard. I would say my most recent ex was basically impossible to please and it was so disheartening and it still is. I know for a fact that I did make her happy but I think as time went on she got more depressed and lost which led to me being unhappy as well. Leading to more unhappiness within her.
I hate saying this but I do feel like I’m attracted to ‘damaged goods’ of some sorts. I wanted to help my ex through all her issues so when she came out the other side she would see I am still there despite all the crap we went through. I’ll admit I wanted to be the one to help so she could look back and see how I was always there and in turn be able to love me even more. I wanted that unbreakable bond and I genuinely thought going through stuff like this would create that. But maybe that’s just what creates toxic relationships and not real love.
How can this all be fixed? I do resonate with parts of it. I really enjoy having a partner and building a relationship with someone. I am quick to get that destined and attached feeling, this time it was like no other I’ve ever had and it was a great feeling at first. I think I chase that feeling sometimes. Going back to that rollercoaster of emotions, I think I do enjoy the highs and lows of a relationship because I do feel quite steady and dull when I’m alone.
Its weird though because now I am alone I feel like I am in a better routine and more motivated when I actually think about it. I am working out, cleaning, cooking, walking the dog doing all these things until 7pm or so. I am actually smoking less at the moment compared to when we were together the last couple weeks. When we were together I was less motivated to do these things like work out, cut down smoking etc. and I think it was because I wasn’t getting my own time. Instead I would game and smoke until 7pm then go see her a lot of the time, neglecting my house duties. However towards the end I would make excuses as to what I was actually doing and why I couldn’t come over. I was scared of telling her the truth and afraid of being abused for it.
I was going to ask for some help if she does ever reach out. I have heard that its good to plan a message. My psych told me to say something a long the lines of “as much as I want a connection right now we both know what we need to do”. However I feel like we had this discussion last time and we eventually met up and then rekindled disregarding what we both needed to do. I’m torn between wanting to reach out to her, her reaching out to me and also the possibility of her not ever reaching out. I am trying my best to stay rational about all of this.
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Your right I shouldn’t be excusing her behavior and trying to rationalize why she mistreated me. I did set the example that no matter how she treated me I would stick around and be available. I still feel like I am giving that off too which probably isn’t good for myself. Now I read what I said again I get what your saying, I am rationalizing the hurtful things she did. I always told her she didn’t need to leave for me to fight however she always did anyway.
What you said here: In short: whatever abuse she did, no matter how selfish and rude she was to you, you found a rationalization and an excuse for it. So that in your mind, she could remain a loving girlfriend, who has your best interest in mind.
This is how your emotional mind (your wounded inner child) overwrites what actually happened and comes up with a retouched narrative. So that you can keep hopingā¦
It really speaks to me. I know I was being mistreated but I’m trying to forget about it or excuse it in hopes that everything will be all good between us once again.
I get frustrated with myself if my partner says they are displeased. Even if I know it is an issue within themselves. I noticed none of my exes really wanted to admit fault or own up to their own feelings. It’s like I was meant to be a protector for them all. Yet once that role would slightly shift I was too blame. Thats what this past relationship felt like, as well as the one before just less extreme.
So my first lets say adult girlfriend was when I was out of prison. I consider it my first real relationship even though it was short lived. I have tried to revisit things with her more than once but the timing was always off.
If its my wounded self and inner child making me do all this obsessing, wanting to go back etc. then my inner child is really in control it seems. It is still constantly on my mind, I am getting better at trying to block it out and move on with daily life. I think I’ve been improving this week compared to last. I think there has only been a day or 2 when I haven’t been really upset, its mainly up and down. I am trying to be aware of the fact that I will be going through the motions as it is normal after a break up to be grieving.
So just be aware of these 2 sides? Don’t analyze them too much and let them take their course? The obsessive side is difficult for me to overcome as I feel so invested in this. I know I need to let go and I think I’m getting better at it but I’m still consumed by her in my thoughts. I genuinely feel like the good outweighs the bad in my mind.
After my other break ups I ended up in another relationship quite quickly, lets say a few months later. Do you think this has any significance? I honestly do enjoy being in a relationship and I think I do look for them in a way. I much prefer exclusivity as I am a jealous person too. My psych told me I should leave a longer period to get to know some first before jumping in a relationship.
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
It is a selfish attitude but I also canāt blame her for being selfish. I do believe she had her and maybe even our best interest in mind. Part of me thinks she knew I was unhappy and she could see that I wasnāt going to leave but I would always fight. But youāre right her attitude was selfish and she wasnāt very thoughtful of how I would feel. Imagine I told her āyou treat me like shitā that would really hurt her and I think she knew what she said hurt me at times. I honestly think she purposefully said some things and left because she knew it would hurt me and get me to fight. She always went to the extreme to get that reaction from me though. Yes the last week I really felt so lost in the relationship but I knew I would find myself again and things would be good between us. A rough patch is what I thought it was, however it occurred quite a bit and it was all instigated by her not feeling wanted or loved. I always felt happy and loved until she left. I think thatās why I felt so alone, because she already left me before she broke up with me. She said herself that she took it out on me and processed the whole break up before it happened. I do have a deep desire to please people especially partners once they mention they are unhappy.
The first relationship was when I got out of prison. Honestly I think it could have to do with just being my first real relationship. Also I felt bad about how it ended after all those months. I find her very attractive to this day, more so than other exes. So maybe the attachment is there because of my attraction to her as well.
I do want to get that validation and love from her it sucksā¦ I wouldnāt say Iām unloveable or not worthy. I know deep down I am a steal and most girls would be very lucky to have me, I say that humbly. I just know I can support, love and bring joy to people especially a partner.
I am trying to be a good parent to my inner child, only I am getting caught in the bad habits. I unblocked her the other day to look at her profiles etc. I also did a detour past her house the other day as she lives around the corner. Again itās like Iām looking for a reason to move on. Itās like I need to see that sheās moved on before I can. I would hate that if in the future she reached out and hadnāt moved on but I had. However you can argue that itās worse if the roles are real versed and I havenāt moved on because I have been waiting to see if she has. Itās like Iām torn between different sides.
It does feel as though my rational side is being taken over by my emotional side a lot of the time. So my emotional side is my inner child basically?
I am just so caught up on this feeling. Iām so stuck in the idea that this is what the universe really wanted as well as both of us. Iāve heard the saying āif it will be then it will beā and I genuinely think it will be for some reason, itās that destined feeling. I canāt help but think we will reconnect and I donāt want that feeling. I do want to just put this too rest so I can focus on myself (Iām getting better at doing this) but I only want to focus on myself for the possibility of rekindling.
I have been telling myself everyday I actually need to move on and forget. Iāve been almost angry at myself for allowing myself to be fooled again as well as disrespected. Maybe I should be kinder and just accept that it happened and take it easier rather than shouting at myself. Itās like Iām trying to be my own rational thought and force the idea of moving on and letting go. Maybe Iām going about it wrong?
AdamParticipantI wouldnāt mind exploring your idea on proving to her that Iām worthy. Maybe it has a lot to do with why Iām so attached. I really did want to prove to her and myself that we could make it work and both be happy while in a relationship. I still think itās fixable if Iām being honest and it honestly is if the right steps are taken. Last time we split it was a few weeks later when she messaged me and we spoke. I remember her saying she didnāt think I was caring after all this time. That makes me feel like I should still reach out now and show her that Iām still caring as it has only been just over 2 weeks now. Not sure if I will hear from her though but I do believe I will eventually. I feel like she did honestly share that destined feeling but it fizzled out a bit towards the end and she couldnāt work through the differences.
Iām not sure if I mentioned on my previous comments but my ex was actually prescribed to anti psychotics when she was about 17-18 and then she changed to this major anti depressive. I donāt want to say she was a psycho but it genuinely feels that way a bit and thatās what everyone is telling me. She was toxic, immature, depressed, psychotic etc. these are the things people are telling me now.
Speaking on worthiness I was never that confident with my sex life growing up. However after a few girlfriends I definitely became for confident. One thing to note is that all my exes actually told me that we are not sleeping together enough. My ex also mentioned this just before we split. I have never had a high sex drive but all my partners have and they obviously wanted more than I did. Maybe this was another difference that my ex wasnāt happy with. She always said she had no issue and it was good for her because otherwise it would be too easy and accessible and I guess she meant that me having a lower sex drive made it more special.
I am just trying to add all the details I can at this point. Any direction would be appreciated. I felt alright today Iām trying to keep my head in a good place and be my own reminder that my ex was controlling and manipulating me. The first week was a lot easier, as I approach week 3 it feels as though my thoughts are slowly trying to beautify the relationship more and itās surprising my rational thoughts at times.
AdamParticipantHey Tee
Your summary about it was good. It really felt that way, like if I say or do anything to unsettle her a bit then I wasnāt being a good partner to her. I think she didnāt like being told at all, she say me as condescending at times. Like I was talking down to her, this is where the similarities with her father came from I think.
I wonāt go into too much but I went to prison a few years ago when I was about 21-22. It wasnāt for long but it wasnāt fun either. When people go on about āwhat Iāve been throughā I think this is what they mean. However itās something I donāt even think about anymore. I honestly forget it happened sometimes.
I think I believed a lot about what she said. After our last fight I went outside to get some fresh air and I remember crying telling myself Iām a shit boyfriend and I should be doing better. She made me feel inadequate. After sometime I went back inside and she had no idea I was upset. She was already upset and I had to offer my comfort without showing how I was feeling. Thatās how I felt at the time. I think Iām realizing now it was unjust accusations however I still feel like I lack in some departments from being told I am so often, but no one is perfect.
You could be onto something there, maybe I do have a low self esteem. Back in March I really wanted to help because I could see she was in a bad spot, this time she didnāt show it as much. She seemed more bitter and resentful but I still want to help. Youāre right I do feel rejected as a person not just a partner. The fact that I couldnāt even get broken up with in person after nearly a year is difficult. I know what I deserve though and itās a lot better than what I got. I need to treat myself with that love though because I never really got it from her.
It may have to do with proving my worth to her but I donāt think it does. I showed Iām not insensitive and I care. I made that very obvious, if she canāt see that then itās her own issue that she needs to adjust, because she has unrealistic expectations from a partner otherwise. I spoke with my Mother about if Iām missing her or missing a partner. And I think I am genuinely missing her. After other break ups I missed the company of a partner but this time I actually miss this girl and I think it was my first true feeling of love. But in reality it wasnāt love.
It could definitely relate to why I donāt want to give up though. I feel like I donāt want to give up because I just have this gut feeling, that destined feeling still. I think because we have gotten back together in the past so much I convince myself that it will happen again. I want her to reach out to me still despite everything thatās happened. However I also tell myself that I hope she doesnāt because I know if itās too soon Iām not going to actually hear what I want from her and she most likely hasnāt changed. I am telling myself everyday that I really need to just let go. Itās making it difficult because she lives so close by and we did so many different things together that a lot of stuff reminds me of her and our time together. I drove past her place the other day when I was shopping, I almost wanted to see a new car there, like a new guys. Itās almost as if I want her to give me another reason to move on, but hasnāt she given me enough already?AdamParticipantHey Roberta
Thanks for your advice. It does feel like I ruminate on it a lot especially the last week or so.
I will try this jar technique as I think I need reminders that my judgement is clouded, because it really is. One minute Iām loving her next minute Iām hating everything.
I will have a look at Eckart Tolle tonight, thanks for your recommendations!
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Thanks for your replies youāve been a big help for me!
I understand the divide a bit more now. What you said about her seeing it more clearly. She definitely would be as she processed the break up before it happened. I think what I wanted for her was the same however the way I thought she should go about it was far different from the way she wanted to. Maybe to her I was someone who was getting in the way of how she wanted to heal. Ā She did say she didnāt āneed meā. It was always to do with healing in the past break ups but this time she actually told me what the deal breaker was. And after you explaining it I understand more.
I may suffer from a low self esteem. My mother, best friend and even my ex all said I am too hard on myself and I should be proud of my achievements and where Iām at after everything Iāve been through. I know I am hard on myself, Iām the first person to always admit fault and judge myself. I feel like I canāt switch it off at times but deep down I do love me. I think at the moment my self esteem is low and Iām depressed but in general Iām not. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, I always told my ex this and I wanted her to have that feeling. I day dream a lot about games too not just fame. Sometimes they are about a movie I saw. I smoke to soothe at times yes and I think it what Iām doing at the moment. I plan on trying to cut down and stop. Last time we split I wasnāt smoking but itās the same feeling only I get more distracted by smoking.
I have been talking to myself a lot recently, I am trying to get into the habit of recognizing what the relationship really was. Itās still up and down, Ā work is hard and I canāt stop thinking about it at times. The urge to reach out is still there as well. I hope it ends soon enough.
AdamParticipantHi Roberta,
The relationship was unsatisfactory however I canāt help but beautify it even after everything that has happened.
I feel as though I donāt actually understand that this is a hopeless situation for me. Itās nearly been 3 weeks and I have felt like this since a week before the break up. I know it will take time I just feel like my attachment has barely changed over this no contact period. There are other things that bring me joy however at the moment there isnāt much. Seeing friends etc is even an effort. I am over analyzing everything to do with the break up still.
I am trying to accept that itās over and itās for the best however Iām struggling to process it still. I donāt want to cling onto this hope anymore but Iām not sure why I canāt let go. In my head Iām waiting for her to reach out but I know thatās wrong as I canāt wait around for her. I feel like she will reach out still and be apologetic etc. but I know that isnāt good for me.
Even after blocking her, returning belongings and so on I still feel connected and that it isnāt really over. Would you have any suggestions to help, besides giving myself some time?
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Yeh I guess you could say its like being famous. I enjoy dreaming about possibilities of other lives etc but in the end im happy with myself still.
It really did feel like that at first, like she knew I was there and would be supportive. However as time went on it was like she was not receiving the support she thought she deserved even though I was there a lot. She wanted it to be only me and her and no one else. I did want the same but I needed independence as well. My own time.
Was there a really big divide from what I have told you? I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her. Ofcourse I am going to have some expectations when nothing changes after nearly 12 months.
It definitely does sound possible. I wanted her by my side to grow as a couple and build the foundations of something strong, that was what i always told her. I know relationships are hard work and are never really perfect, I just wanted someone who will stick by my side during the tough times and when we may not agree on certain things. This was too much of an expectation though obviously.
AdamParticipantHey Tee,
The dreams can vary from things related to games, movies, sports. the dreams usually have famous people in them etc. For example I may daydream about playing in the NBA but itās not actually me in the dream.
I think she really believed that she could share that future with me at first but eventually it did change. Maybe the reality of it became too real and she didnāt want to take responsibility for her life knowing she wasnāt in a good spot for any of what we spoke about. Itās just really disheartening to hear stuff like that and actually believe it, it ruins your trust. Again I always go back to what she said – āRight now what Iād want is to be in your arms selfishly, I say selfishly because I know in the long run it will just cause more harm for the both of usā. Itās like she wanted it but knew it wasnāt right. Thatās how I feel now also.
I have been doing my best at trying to focus on my life. Keeping as busy as I can however I have been smoking a bit, planning on cutting down however I need take the steps to do it. Itās like I know how to be my best but I am afraid of taking the steps to start that. Iām sitting on the fence. Almost as if Iām scared to do this journey alone. I think this is another reason I want a partner, I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be. However I donāt do it for myselfā¦
I would want to be in the role of a partner who I donāt walk on eggshells with. I just wished it was her but in reality itās not and I need to realise this. I am struggling too though.
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