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anitaParticipantDear Meatball:
You are welcome. “she texted saying that she ‘is all in and wants to do the work’“-
– On your first temporary breakup almost 9 years ago, she ghosted you for a few days and then reached out to you and told you that she missed you, that she was sorry, and that “she didn’t know why she fell into this feeling“- ask her now, 9 years later, if she knows why she fell into this feeling back then and repeatedly since. If she has no idea why, or is very vague about it, it’d mean, to me, that she never bothered to figure it out in 9 years, and therefore, she is not at all, all in and wants to do the work.
Like I suggested in my last post to you, since (you stated that) she has no money, no credit to rent a place for herself, and since she has nowhere to go, it may be that she wants to stay living with you rent/ expense free. This may be her primary motivation. Are you okay with this possibility, or probability?
“She’s been texting/ calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work. I just don’t know what to do.“- you can tell her that you are willing to try and make things work after she moves out. See her response..?
I understand that your feelings are strong, that you are, as you stated, codependent, that in previous relationships, you “initiated the break-ups normally after meeting someone else“, and in your current relationship you haven’t met someone else yet; and I feel badly for her for not being able to live on her own. The question is, are you strong enough to do what’s right for all parties involved?
I believe that the right thing to do for all parties involved would be (1) to not have a physical-sexual relationship with her unless her motivation is not to exchange sex for a rent-free/ expenses-free living arrangement, (2) if she is willing, try and work on the relationship while not living together, first as friends only, (3) to work with her and with social services on finding a living arrangement for her and her daughter elsewhere (not in your house).
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I don’t remember ever arguing with my mother.. I wouldn’t dare. I tried to explain myself many times, to create a moment of understanding between her and me.. oh, what a beautiful meeting-of-the-minds that would have been, a place to rest, a place to settle and take a deep, slow, much needed breath in. And out.
I didn’t argue, but she argued against my sincere explanations, accusing me of lying and making things up and trying to hurt her feelings. There was not to be an understanding between her and me, not a single Yes, we Understand each other moment.
I looked for the truth, I highly valued the truth; she didn’t. She cared about winning her arguments against me, and whatever it took to Win, that is, to Crush me.. that’s what she said. Whatever it took to hurt me, she said it. Truth was not a consideration.
It’s not that she purposefully misstated the truth, it’s that she didn’t care if she did or not. Truth vs Lie was not an issue for her. She simply said whatever it took for her to come up at the top, and me- at the bottom.
Submission of me, was the name of her game. Truth irrelevant.
I noticed I typed above “my mother”, not that person, not mother-monster, just.. my mother. For the child within-me, I must confess, she’ll always be my mother, simply because there was no other.. mother. She was the only one there.
Her legacy in my mind is that look in her eyes I remember seeing the last time I saw her in-person, that look that sends the strongest message: you (anita), you are a bad, bad, bad person!
Is this message true, was it true? It’s been my concern (is it true?). Not her concern. Her concern was to Win. For her to win, I had to Lose. (It’s an instinctual thing, not an ethical thing)
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I notice breath. Each breath a arising from Movement, and a return to Stillness. Each breath arising from Time and returning to Eternity. Each breath arising from Worry and returning to Calm. Each breath arising from Anger and returning to Love. Yes. Silence. Emptiness. Nothing gained. Nothing lost. Yes.
anita
May 4, 2024 at 10:18 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #432325anitaParticipantDear Robi:
“I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar…“- reads like fun, great environment!
“Is the grass always that much greener?“- it used to be that way for me, but I am finally living where I like to live, and I don’t care- at all- to go anywhere else, not even for a visit. I used to live by the beach for decades and didn’t feel at home there. Now I live in the woods, and the grass is literally greener here than anywhere else, lol.
“Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely“- as adults, we re-live the emotional experience of difficult childhoods. As a child you were lonely=> as an adult you are lonely (until you change within, heal enough).
“I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ‘lost’ most of my friends (or drinking buddies ) too“- congratulations for losing your drinking buddies..! Looking at the title of your thread, you are indeed growing up!
“I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore…”– you have to find friends in Alicante, true friends who don’t regularly drink.. Maybe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), if such exist there?
“Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice… Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks…“- she visits you quite frequently. What does she say about your dilemma (whether to stay in Alicante or move back to Warsaw)?
Here’s an idea: commit to stay where you are for the rest of 2024, and don’t spend any time seriously considering leaving for the rest of this year. Put off the considering to Jan 2025.
“There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore“- that’s not a bad thing. A good thing.
“While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me. Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside… I’ve grown a lot”- the term growing pains come to mind. Endure it and focus on the positives, every day.
“Take good care Anita, I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!“- thank you, Robi. I am fine.. and so are you, you are doing very well. Take good care of yourself, Robi!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
“I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times“- reading this is inspirational!
“I am working on having less contact with him… My brother can get clingy“- are you referring to your older brother or the younger one?
“and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do, do, do, for others. Almost like I was invisible“- you express yourself so clearly, so succinctly, I am impressed!
Good thing you are sticking to your boundaries across the board! Losing yourself in situations with other people and feeling invisible are synonymous. Boundaries keep you visible.
“So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it“- you are welcome to share your answers to these questions…
Again, good to read from you!
anita
May 4, 2024 at 9:20 am in reply to: Lonely Confused Depressed and reaching the end of my rope #432321anitaParticipantDear Nate:
I am sorry that you feel unlovable, and i hope that you will feel better soon.
“This year I’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls… Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???”-
(1) Is the word I boldfaced a typo? (2) In what ways did you put yourself out there?
anita
May 3, 2024 at 3:20 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #432314anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Good to read back from you, and to read that you are well! I will read the rest of your message and reply to you further Sat morning (it is Fri afternoon here… and after midnight where you’re at)). I hope you are sleeping restfully.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
good to read back from you! I will reply further later this Fri, or Sat morning.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for the meditation, I will read and give it my best non-duality shot tomorrow morning. I read your first post of today attentively early this morning, and I found it me3aningful and useful.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Here is an idea: to extend as much empathy to myself as I have extended to another person, any other person for whom I felt empathy, and to whom I expressed empathy. Not more. Not less.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
I am sorry to read that your therapist just ended your treatment plan.
“I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college… Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy“- that’s assertive and proactive on your part, I am impressed with you!
“I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m officially double majoring in Psychology and English Literature, so I can pursue both writing and psychology“- congratulations, and how exciting!
“Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have Prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.. I’m hoping the Prozac will ease the anxiety“- I hope so too. Anti-depressants ease anxiety (and depression) for millions of people, it’s likely to ease yours as well.
“I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC“- again, you are assertive and proactive, and again, I am positively impressed with you!
“My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them. My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight. Wish me luck Anita“- this is exciting! I do wish you luck, and I am glad that you are assertive and proactive, and therefore, you have something going for you that’s much more reliable than luck!
“I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far“- you are very welcome. I am looking forward to your update!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Meatball:
About her: “At some point shortly around the time she graduates from high school she is out on her own… bouncing around from various men and staying with their families.”, “She (42) and her daughter are now living with me. I don’t ask for any rent/money… Our second ‘breakup’ – one day out of the blue she tells me she’s not ‘feeling it’ and wants to move out… she leaves and goes back to her ex in-laws. A couple days later again she calls and apologizes and says she didn’t know what she was thinking and comes back… She always lives pay check to pay check, never saving and having bad credit… She rarely plans anything. She sleeps all the time… Intimacy has been gone for years… This is where we are now, these cycles continue to come with less and less time in between. They are always initiated by her and each time she’s able to verbalize more that she is ‘not in love’ with me. That she had NO feelings for me. She’s made me feel like just being in my presence disgusts her… This brings up to about a week ago where again it starts with her not wanting to be around me, not touching me, just disgusted… One big issue right now is that she has little to no money, she has nowhere to go. No one that will take her in. She says I’m still her best friend and that she wants me in her life just not as love partners… The last thing I’m going to do is put her out on the street”-
– reads like (1) she is depressed and has been depressed for a long time, consistently or recurringly, (2) she is not well enough to make and save money so to be able to consistently pay rent for an apartment for herself and for her daughter. She has bad credit, and that would make it extra difficult for her to find a place to rent, (3) she relied on men to provide a place for her to live when she was a teenager, maybe since, because she felt unable to provide for herself. In practical terms perhaps, Exchanging Sex for Rent, ES4R, if you will,
(4) she is 42 now, depressed and, I am guessing, feeling less optimistic than before regarding meeting a new man in her life to provide her with a place to stay, (5) from what you shared (in the quote above), she has been feeling disgust in regard to having a physical and sexual interactions with you.. but she needs a place to stay, so she tried to convince you to be non-physical, non-sexual best friends. If you continue to refuse her suggestion, she might have sex with you just so that she and her daughter have a place to live, feeling that she has no other choice, as she doesn’t want to be out on the street, no one wants that!
The compassionate thing to do, for her, is to not have her out on the street, and to not participate in ES4R with her, so to not dishonor her.. or yourself.
About you: “I have the co-dependency as an anxious attachment style… For my childhood, I could see a lack of emotional support. My mother was smothering and did everything for us, however wasn’t the type to speak about love or supply much in the way of advice. My father was a high tempered dad that we were scared of. No physical abuse or mental abuse“-
Very well mind. com: “Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior perpetuated by a parent that causes a child to experience emotional distress, harms their sense of self-worth, and affects their emotional development“- a smothering mother is an abusive mother, and so is a high tempered father who repeatedly expresses his anger in ways that scare his children.
About smothering mothers: The content authority. com: “Are you a mother or a smother? While these two words may sound similar, they have vastly different meanings. Mother is a term of endearment and respect.. while smother refers to someone who is overly protective or suffocating… Smothering can manifest in a variety of ways, including constant monitoring and supervision, overindulging the child’s every whim, and shielding the child from any potential harm or disappointment”.
* A term for “constant monitoring and supervision” parenting is helicopter parenting.
Better help. com: “Psychologists have suggested that overbearing parenting can be detrimental to a child’s health, and the negative effects can follow children well into adulthood. One of the most common problems associated with helicopter parenting for many can be the formation of an anxiety disorder in childhood or adulthood. Helicopter parenting can also lessen a child’s ability to make their own choices, which can result in a co-dependent relationship between parent and child”- anxiety and codependency that’s passed on from childhood to adult romantic relationships.
The psychological healing center. com: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase smother mother. Of course it can apply to fathers as well. Smothering can stunt psychological growth and create anxiety, depression and a lack of self-confidence… The wound of smothering and controlling limits the growth of the individual. At the beginning stages of life it is important to foster healthy dependency in order to help your children become healthy and independent. Smothering and controlling does the opposite”.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
“There is always a brick pileup and no escape“- this reminds me of something I read long ago: how do you escape a prison cell? You stop wanting to escape. It suggests fully accepting of the circumstances that one cannot change, to stop wanting to change that which cannot be changed.
It fits the first part of The Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”.
“I’m completely lost. Devastated. Hopeless. Without peace.“- Peace and Serenity are synonymous. Accept the things you cannot change..?
“Completely still heartbroken over neighbor guy… The distance and silence continue to crush me. I am struggling to accept things“- you said it yourself, “struggling to accept things”.
“Dealing with the heartbreak and loss of 4 long term neighbors of mine who were friendly to me (I’m not used to anyone being friendly towards me, nor talking to me) passing away… First neighbor passed 10 years ago… Finished emptying house today. Today was the last day I probably will ever see him again. He quickly left without any goodbye“- I wish he said goodbye to you. And I wish you were used to people being friendly towards you, and that the new neighbors will be friendly to you.
“Mom’s memory, health and dementia continue to be challenging issue… Mom’s sister and last remaining sibling , has been in and out of the hospital with serious health problems for about a month… Both are depressed about life, aging, and health. Both reminisce about earlier and more capable years. This breaks my heart, and it breaks further knowing that I can’t ‘fix’ it“- aging is definitely challenging for everyone. There’s information online on geriatric depression aka late-life depression (LLD)
From The National library of Medicine (ncbi. nlm. nih. gov): “Depression is one of the most common mood disorders in the late-life population… it increases with age, to reach the peak of 27% in over-85 individuals. Interestingly, the prevalence still increases and reaches the 49% in those living in communities or nursing homes…
“Late-life depression (LLD) can be distinguished according to the age at which the first depression occurred. Early-onset depression (EOD) identifies the persistence or recurrence in old age of a depression previously diagnosed throughout adulthood, while late-onset depression (LOD) represents a depressive disorder developed de novo in old age…
“Depression can be precipitated and perpetuated by chronic medical conditions typical of the aging process… As for younger adults, also for older people psychotherapeutic approaches are to be encouraged, even in the presence of cognitive decline… a brief overview of the principal psychotherapy approaches available for older persons with depression is shortly provided: Problem Adaptation Therapy (PATH)… This kind of therapy puts the focus on strategies personalized on each patient’s needs (i.e. memory and organizational deficits, behavioral/functional limitations… Engage Therapy… Problem Solving Therapy (PST)... Supportive Therapy… Interpersonal Therapy… problems are identified and understood in the interpersonal context…”
Coming to think about it, the latter part in the quote above can help you: to identify and understand problems in the interpersonal context of your own life. To me, a non-professional (not a therapist o any kind), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) looks like the perfect therapy for you, Laven:
Psychology today/ interpersonal psychotherapy: “*It addresses interpersonal deficits, including social isolation or involvement in unfulfilling relationships. *It can help patients manage unresolved grief—if the onset of distress is linked to the death of a loved one, either recent or past. *IPT can help with difficult life transitions like retirement, divorce, or a move *IPT is recommended for dealing with interpersonal disputes that emerge from conflicting expectations between partners, family members, close friends, or coworkers”.
Back to your post: “Next month will mark the first year since the tragic passing of a stray cat I fed daily and tried to get a home for years… He wasn’t garbage. I love him deeply.. it breaks my heart daily… Each time I look out the window, I am faced reliving both departures. In August will make the 3 year passing of another furry gentle soul…“- this is “unresolved grief” mentioned in the quote above, in regard to IPT.
“In addition to everything, I have developed memory loss, jumbled speech and thought, brain fog, not being able to focus nor concentrate on many tasks. I can no longer multi-task.. barely can focus on one. I suspect perhaps early dementia… All of these things plus more have left me in shambles.. daily. I am constantly in tears.. I am in tears now as I am typing this.”– in the first online source I quoted from in this post, about Late Life Depression (LLD), it refers to people in their 60s and older as “Late Life”. Perhaps you are in this age group, or close to being in your 60s…? The article talks about the connection between dementia/ age-related cognitive decline and LLD.
Maybe you should see a professional on the matter..?
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Chronic Fear, Chronic Anger are making me twitch right now, aka tics. Fear and Anger, in their nature, are e-motions, energy- in motion. They create movement: Fight or Flight. In the absence of both (I didn’t Fight, I didn’t Flight=run away), not as a child, day after day, year after year.. The motion had to happen, so it happened within me, fighting within, running away within, TICS. It’s experienced as tension within, like the body trying to exit itself.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Pandinha:
“I get annoyed and triggered so easily. If he tells me something, I might view as bad or degrading about my personality (which my father used to do all the time), I get annoyed and quickly withdraw from that conversation… I’m desperately looking for that initial enchantment“- reads like your experience with your father gets reactivated in the context of your communication with this guy. It often happens that strong childhood experiences get reactivated in adult contexts. You project your father into this guy.. again, a very common phenomenon.
I figure the initial enchantment was made possible by the temporary, initial absence of this projection.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 