Dear Matt:

You shared that you came out to your parents at 21 because of your love for this man, that you have loved him for three years, that you drastically changed your life for the better so that you could be happy with him, that monogamy is very important to you, that the plan as of last week was that the two of you were to live together, and get married sometime in the future.

And yet, for the last 10 months or so, he repeatedly cheated on you with 3 different men. He didn’t tell you. You found out by looking through his phone. His response: “He says that it was absolutely never about me and it was entirely related to his own feelings of inadequacy“.

His mother’s response: “this absolutely has nothing to do with you. We’re going to get to the bottom of it“.

The motivation behind these responses is to protect your ego/ sense of self worth, as in saying: he didn’t cheat on you because of any inadequacy on your part, Matt (not being handsome enough or smart enough, etc.), but because of inadequacy on his part.

This claim is supposed to make you feel better, as in you thinking: it is not my fault that he cheated on me, it’s not that there is something inadequate about me!

If you accept this claim that it had nothing to do with you, then you accept that in the future, if you resume the relationship with him and he cheats on you again.. then again, it will absolutely have nothing to do with you.

But what he did should have had something to do with you, it should have been a whole lot to do with you because the result of what he did has been the most heartbreaking experience you ever had in your life (“I have been reeling from the most heartbreaking experience I have ever lived through“).

When he cheated on you, he wasn’t thinking about how hurt you will be if and when you found out, and this, right here is the problem.

“he has struggled with self esteem issues severely for the last decade… his mother…. replied..’…  We’re going to get to the bottom of it.’“- reads like it was a surprise to his mother that her son has been struggling with severe self-esteem issues for 10 years, and now that she found out, she wants to get to the bottom of it (and fix it..?)

How does a mother miss such a thing for a decade?

“He has told me he is now in intensive therapy and wants to completely wipe himself of his issues he’s been hiding from me and from himself for 10 years“- he hid severe self-esteem issues for 10 years, so he didn’t know : no thoughts of inadequacy ever crossing his mind? It was all a surprise?

There is no way that a person suffers from a low self-esteem and never a related thought crosses the mind.

No one completely wipes themselves from severe low self-esteem issues, at least, not quickly, no matter how intensive the therapy.

There are plenty of people who suffer from low self-esteem but they do not cheat because they don’t want to hurt the one they love. And this is the problem I mentioned earlier in this reply: his 10-month cheating was.. not about you getting hurt.

I just read your 2nd post, Matt, the one you submitted 10 minutes ago. Your attitude and plan to continue your individual therapy and become a better judge (of him/ what happened) in the future.

“What do I do with all this love?“- first and foremost, at this time, direct it to you!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Your Nov 24, 10:45 am post provided me with new information and it is a game changer for me in regard to understanding N and your relationship with him. First, I will attend to what you shared on the matter 3 days ago; second, I will re-read and comment on some of what you shared in the past in light of the new information of three days ago.

“The night before thanksgiving…  on our drive to the grocery store he was angry at a bad driver and called them the C word. This word makes me very uncomfortable, I have told him this numerous times. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and to please not. He proceeded to say it again… he kept saying ‘oh the word c*** bothers you? I am not calling you (a) c***” just kept saying it. I called him an asshole for doing that and said the fact he continued to say it even though it made me uncomfortable was not loving and how you treat someone. He said “words don’t mean sh*t..‘”-

– (1) He used the C word repeatedly AFTER you told him on that occasion and in past occasions that the word makes you feel uncomfortable. (2) If the word he used was.. let’s say weasel when referring to the other driver and you complained about him using it, maybe he’d have a point about you being oversensitive to words used-  because a real-life weasel was not present in the car, and even if it was, it wouldn’t understand the word (or any word), and therefore not possibly be offended by it.. but the C- word is a word known by almost every English speaking human to be an offensive word, and ANY and EVERY girl or woman familiar with the word understands that the reference is to a private part of her body, and that the reference is very negative and derogatory. (3) If words “don’t mean sh**“- should you (if it was possible) not hear his words.. put on headphones all the time? (4) Let’s say he was referring not to ALL words, but only to the C-word. In this case, he is saying that your feelings of discomfort..  don’t mean sh**.

“He said ‘words don’t mean sh*t, get that through your head or you will be controlled by them the rest of your life‘…he was really annoyed at me for being impacted by ‘just letters.‘ We had a whole argument about it and one familiar feeling I had with him right then, familiar from F, was that I couldn’t explain to him why the word made me uncomfortable. I roughly said, it is more than a word it has a misogynistic historical reference and it held weight. He rolled his eyes. He lectured me about how he doesn’t let anything outside of him have control over him and how I should do the same and not let a simple word ruin our evening. He said ‘you get upset about things that don’t matter and I am tired of it.'”-

– (1) He was the one to repeatedly utter a very known offensive word for women (because he was angry and wanted to offend), but he handed you the responsibility for being offended by a word he chose to repeatedly utter. His attitude was as if the offensive word had an independent existence… as if the letters of the words materialized out of nowhere. (2) His attitude is also that of a man superior to you, saying: get-it-through-your -head, as if you are dumb. He dismissed your feelings as weird or unacceptable (rolling his eyes), and he referred to your feelings as such that “don’t matter“.

“We were in the store parking lot and he was trying to get out to go in and I could not bring myself to get out of the car with him, I felt completely repelled by him and wanted to shop separately if he was gonna be this way. He softened his tone and said ‘do you want to be controlled by a word?’ I don’t want to be, but in that moment I felt similarly to when my dad would manipulate me into believing my feelings were invalid. Confused I just agreed that a word/letters should not control me. I do actually still agree with that. But reflecting back I do not agree with him that ‘words don’t mean anything‘ what is prayer then?…”-

– (1) Again, he is talking as if the words he repeatedly choses to utter are not his responsibility, as if they have an independent existence, floating out there as independent entities, and you shouldn’t allow those independent entities to control you. (2) “Confused I just agreed that a word/letters should not control me“- he successfully confused you: you confusedly thought that words existed independently of him. (3) He softened his tone because you were repelled by him and didn’t want to shop with him.

“Yesterday morning I took him to a got yoga class, it was very nice and puts me in a good headspace, but I was pulled right out of it by an interaction with him. We went into the grocery store because he wanted some electrolytes following our class. He also grabbed a case of glass water bottles he liked and when we got to checkout looked at me cause he didn’t have his wallet. I am not in a place of spending $20 on water but I felt obligated because of how much he has paid for me over the past year… Anyways, at the store for the $20 water I pulled out cash from my wallet, I sold some furniture online and had some cash from my last paycheck. He looked at me in absolute distrust, which I guess I deserve, he said ‘um where did you get all that cash?‘ I answered ‘from the offer up furniture‘ he did the math and realized I had $20 more than that, he said ‘no that’s not all where it came from where did it come from?‘ Honestly his suspicion made me anxious and I forgot that my boss paid me in cash for a portion of my paycheck, so I said I couldn’t remember. He got so suspicious of me! I was so uncomfortable it reminded me of my financial relationship with my dad where I was co-dependent and questioned. I said ‘I don’t remember’ he said ‘that’s suspicious you never have money and now you just have cash?‘ It was right then that I remembered it was from my last paycheck”-

– He had no valid reason to be suspicious of you. His invalid suspicion of you is a controlling strategy meant to make you feel guilty and therefore in need for his correction, of his moral superiority to fix your .. moral faultiness. And he succeeded because in the paragraph right above, you wrote: “He looked at me in absolute distrust, which I guess I deserve“. 

“When he is irritated he puts on this act like nothing is wrong, it’s incredibly annoying but I am getting used to it. He asked if anything was wrong and I was like ‘yea I don’t like how you are talking to me, accusing me of doing something shady, asking me questions like I am untrustworthy‘ I told him his energy was bringing me down and he was being negative he then said ‘you never have money and now you do and me asking makes me an a**hole? You know what, f**k you.'”-

– (1) After the very wrong, controlling interaction with you that he initiated and executed, he asked you: what’s wrong? Again, freeing himself from personal responsibility for behaving wrongly and handing you the responsibility that belongs to him. (2) “You never have money” negates sincerity in what he told you previously about him being okay with you not paying rent.

“This immaturity just put me so off. We didn’t speak the rest of the drive but I wasn’t even upset I was just confused and disappointed. We got home and I took a long shower. I came to the conclusion that…  I had a bad relationship with money from my father so that is probably why I had anxiety and forgot. Him getting so frustrated and me not telling him was all just immaturity and miscommunication. I was no longer upset about the situation”-

–  He successfully confused you as you took responsibility for his bad behavior, downplaying his dishonest and abusive behavior as “immaturity and miscommunication“, when the truth is that he communicated very well to you what he wanted to communicate to you.

Second, some of what you shared about him early on: “If you read my last post you will see my partner is a stand up man, no question” (Oct 6)- Indeed, I didn’t question it (based on what you shared about him) until three days ago and this very morning.

“I want to explode and just be like ‘DO YOU SEE ME like do you actually see my spirit and soul over here exposed to you and walking in the world'”-

– When a person wants to control you, he/ she is not interested in promoting your spirit or soul. When a man repeats the C word, he does not see a woman’s spirit or soul.

You ended your original post with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“- I now agree with the latter part of this sentence. N is promoting your lower self: your self-doubt, confusion and invalid, unjustified guilt.

You wrote to me on Oct 13: “This is so hard, dealing with a parent with trust issues… I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt? My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you”-

-N’s behavior the other day at the store indicates that he has trust issues, having misinterpreted you having cash in your wallet and accusing you of having lied and pretended before to not have the money to pay rent. As a result, you doubt yourself.  N went on a C-word filled tirade with you only the other day.

Back to Nov 24, you wrote: “It is hard for  me to tell if it is a projection or if (N) is actually behaving similar to my father. But I am having a hard time trusting myself and the distinction between the two, because the part of me that would fall for my dads dishonesty scares me that it will just as easily happen again. How am I suppose to truly know the difference between manipulation/dishonesty and truth?“-

– (1) The examples you gave, his behavior in the car and in the store the day after, are indications that N is not the One for you because of who he (N) is, not because of who F is. (2) One can easily tell that N freeing himself from ANY responsibility for the words he repeatedly chooses to utter is.. part of a dishonest manipulation. And then asking you what’s wrong?.. taking no responsibility for any wrongdoing or wrong saying when he was clearly in the wrong.

“This feeling reminds me of how my dad made me feel, and the familiarity is confusing because it used to indicate me being manipulated, doubt in my own instincts that he was right and my feelings were wrong“-

– N is similar to F, unfortunately…

I don’t know if you are reading this and if you do, how you are feeling. I am feeling quite badly about my new understanding. I am sorry, Seaturtle.

anita

Dear Dave:

You are welcome.

“Tbh i have asked a doctor about this issue, and that doctor told me that regarding my situation, i’m safe….May i know ur opinion based on the evidence u found, regarding my situation on the x-ray? Is it safe in ur opinion?”-

– a medical doctor told you that you are safe regarding the X-Ray situation, and yet, you are asking me (a person who is not a medical doctor and who never met you for a medical examination, a person who is not an X-Ray technician or any other type of medical professional) if the doctor who told you that you are safe is correct or not…

I recommend again that you see a mental health professional regarding your anxiety, and again, I wish you well.

anita

* I neglected to edit out the quote “I feel I deserve this because everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be” before submitting the post above.

Dear Dave:

1) About Radiation and X-Rays (I will be adding the boldface feature to the following quotes):

“Sources of radiation are all around us all the time. Some are natural and some are man-made… Background Radiation is present on Earth at all times. The majority of background radiation occurs naturally… Naturally occurring radioactive minerals in the ground, soil, and water produce background radiation. The human body even contains some of these naturally-occurring radioactive minerals. Cosmic radiation from space also contributes to the background radiation around us… All of us are exposed to radiation every day, from natural sources such as minerals in the ground, and man-made sources such as medical x-rays” (EPA. gov/radiation sources).

“Any overexposure to radiation can lead to devastating effects. However, the amount of radiation in a typical x-ray is too low to cause issues… Imaging professionals that work in medical facilities and practices follow safety guidelines to ensure that patient’s never get exposed to more radiation than necessary. The staff provides special protective gear to limit the radiation that enters patients from an x-ray machine…

“Doses of radiation are measured in units called millirems (mrem) in the U.S. and millisieverts (mSv) internationally. People experience around three mSv of radiation each year naturally. In comparison, the level of radiation generated from a chest x-ray is only 0.1 mSv, similar to 10 days of normal walking around…  (glmi. com).

2) About Radiophobia (which includes X-ray phobia):

“Radiophobia refers only to a display of anxiety disproportionate to the actual quantity of radiation one is exposed to. In many cases, radiation exposure values are equal to or not much higher than  what individuals are naturally exposed to every day from background radiation.  For instance, some health patients refuse X-rays because they believe the radiation will harm them. Notable examples include Steve Jobs and Bob Marley, both of whom died after refusting radiation treatment for their cancer. While a healthy respect for the hazards of radiation is desirable, it’s crucial to strike a balance between caution and undue fear… Remember, understanding the actual risks associated with radiation exposure is essential to managing any fear or anxiety related to it” (dove med. com)

“Radiophobia Treatments… There are numerous different yoga poses that can substantially benefit someone who is suffering from radiophobia… Yoga can be thought of as meditation in motion. It can help to relieve some of the anxiety associated with radiophobia due to the mere fact that by engaging in yoga, your attention will be redirected… Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Radiophobia…Reducing Caffeine for Radiophobia Exercise for Radiophobia: … such as swimming, biking, skiing, walking, and jogging…  Mindfulness has the potential to significantly help those suffering from radiophobia due to how it will help one to distract themselves from their fear by refocusing their attention onto something else… redirecting one’s attention to the various sensations felt when breathing can actually help to reduce the amount of mental anguish experienced during such an influx of anxiety… Besides focusing on your breathing, you can also focus on the sounds around you, the way your skin feels as you touch certain objects, the way foods taste, as well as the way certain aromas smell. Essentially, honing into your 5 senses can significantly help you to reduce some of the anxiety that is associated with radiophobia. Also, remember that it will take a lot of practice to become an adept meditator. So, practice is key…” (psych times. com).

What do you think and feel, Dave, about these quotes?

anita

I will get back to you Sat morning, good night, Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Something similar did happen the weekend before, right after sex he looked at his phone at the time and clicked out of intimacy mode… It made me feel transactional and abandoned… I told him I knew he loved me and did not mean that but that I was feeling very sad…  So the fact it happened again the very next time we had sex I think played into my response of his phone call within 10 minutes after”-

– Only part of you knew that he didn’t mean for you to feel transactional and abandoned. The other part of you.. is not so sure, is it? I am quite sure that he didn’t mean it, and I know that he is not at all responsible for you feeling transactional and abandoned. Part of you holds him responsible.

You know what a huge part a phone plays in people’s lives, people who don’t work or run a business. N running a business that heavily relies on phone calls explains to me why he was on the phone some time after sex.

“I certainly do not want to make N feel this way, how F made me feel” you wrote in regard to N possibly walking on eggshells around you. To stop getting triggered by him, you’d have to take full responsibility for feeling transactional and abandoned, a feeling that dominated a significant part of your growing up years. Way before you met N for the first time.

“it just made me feel suspicious, he went from feeling disconnected into the car to suddenly sweet puppy dog eyes…  what crossed my mind here, that he was being inauthentic”-

– I wrote the above (about part of you not knowing that he didn’t mean to make you feel badly) before I read the part of you feeling suspicious of him. You’ve been suspicious of him for a long time. No wonder you had such a difficult time when you lived with him.. Living with a Suspect, always on guard..?

“I could certainly be reading to far into things, but a part of who I think I am is that I can read people and whether it is authentic or not“- (1)  Nobody is authentic all of the time.. and no one is exact in what they say to the extent that there are never contradictions in what they say. (2) You are looking for evidence against the Suspect, looking at any possible mismatch between what he says, his facial expressions.. looking for evidence of deceit.

“This scenario felt that way to me. I am afraid of being told that I read the situation wrong because for some reason it feels like it confuses me on who I am if I cannot correctly read when someone is being inauthentic..”-

– I don’t think that you read the situation wrong in that indeed at times he is inauthentic, but so am I, and so are you. Actually, it is highly recommended that people will not be authentic when, for example, they feel so angry at their boss, that they want to punch him or her in the face!

Let’s take a less extreme example: let’s say I was N, watching you in the play, dressed in such a way that part of your chest was showing. Let’s say I felt uncomfortable about other men watching you. I wouldn’t want to be authentic and tell you right there and then about my discomfort because I would ALSO feel that you were having a good time acting, and I wouldn’t want to rain on your parade, so to speak, by criticizing how you were dressed. Then later, the part of me that was not all-the-way okay with it will interject somewhat.

People are complex.. not much is simple and straightforward all the time. So, part of a conflicted person expresses itself at one time, another part expresses itself at another time.. Not because of deceit but because of complexity.

“My temptation was to cancel on N, but I decided in the end to have him come over for a certain amount of time and not stay the night, which is what you suggested as well and was best. However, when he got there I was in a good mood, we set up the food and cuddled for a minute first, all was well, then something happened and I journaled about it this morning: ‘Last night N made me feel like F did when I would feel like I was being manipulated“-

– Here it is: there was deceit on the part of your father (F). You didn’t get that situation wrong. You understood it correctly.

“We were eating at the table and he spilled a glass of wine and it went on the table cloth… I said I felt there was some passive aggression in his response and also just trying to blame me for something? He refused and said ‘you’re just sensitive and I love that you’re sensitive’ this was so incredibly patronizing and felt the same when he was trying to kiss me on Sunday when clearly there was something in the air. My dad would do this, make me feel like I am just too sensitive and feel things that aren’t necessary“-

– When I read that N said that he loves that you are sensitive, I viewed it positively, as in him expressing that he loves you just the way you are. I didn’t read in what he said any criticism or patronizing.  I think that you accurately understood back then and now who F is. You did not imagine F’s dishonesty, passive-aggression, blaming you, patronizing of you and expressing to you that you are just too sensitive and feeling things that are not necessary/ true.

As often is the case, we project a difficult parent into a romantic partner, often inaccurately.

“he actually doesn’t think things are really his fault?“- you asked about N. I’ll ask you: F actually doesn’t think things are really his fault, does he?

“he makes me feel crazy for it and that makes me want to run for the hills”- who is “he“, really?

“To patronize my sensitivity and just try to give me kisses and smiles to make me feel like ‘oh just a cute little girl you are being silly’ that is what the undertone of what he said felt to me. Do you think I am reading this wrong? Because if nothing is wrong and it is all actually just me, that is the familiar feeling F left me with very often, it was always my fault but it was ok and he’d give me a hug“-

– I know that you did not read ANY of it wrong when it came to your Father. You are re-experiencing your father through N. It feels like it’s about N.. doesn’t it? That’s the nature of (inaccurate) projection, it feels real, it feels accurate.

The extent and consistency of your projection of F into N makes me think that F is/ has been extremely difficult to live with, while you were growing up.

“he tried to make me feel crazy and over-reading into things but I really don’t think I am“-

– Your father tried to make you feel crazy and over-reading into things, but I KNOW that you didn’t over-read into F’s words, expressions and behaviors. You perceived him accurately. When the part of you that believes your father (the part that sides with your father’s dishonest manipulations and crazy-making behaviors) sides with the part of you who knows the truth… you will no longer project F into N.

“I don’t want to get addicted to the most addictive drug, so perhaps I need other ways to feel spiritually connected so I do not crave it for that reason”-

– Spiritually connect with the truth and disconnect from your father’s untruths. What he told you was NOT true. It was not true that you were too sensitive and imagining things that were not true. No.. it’s your father who gaslit you. Hold him responsible for what he did to you.

Please take your time with this post and tell me how you feel.

anita

Dear Danny:

Quotes from the book  Chimp Paradox: “The Psychological Mind is made up of three separate brains: Human, Chimp and Computer. You are the Human. Your Chimp is an emotional thinking machine. Your Computer is a storage area and automatic functioning machine”,

“Managing your impulsive, emotional Chimp as an adult will be one of the biggest factors determining how successful you are in life”,

“The Chimp does not necessarily work with facts. but it works with what it believes is the truth or with a perception of the truth or, even worse, with a projection of what might be the truth. It is quick to form an impression on little, if any, evidence and usually won’t give way. Of course, some impressions that the Chimp gives us are accurate and helpful, but they can just as easily be wrong. Searching for some accuracy and truth would help us to reach a sensible conclusion”,

“A golden rule for understanding people and situations is to ALWAYS try to establish THE FACTS before you make your assessment”.

Now, to your original post, Danny (I will be adding the boldface feature to some of your words):

“One of my values I have is that: I do my best at all times… I came home today from work and I had an hour to myself. I could have logged on and sent work emails that could be sent, but I didn’t. I read a book. So here, I feel I am not doing my best. I am more doing what I want. Inner critic rises up!”-

– You prefaced “I am not doing my best” with “I feel“- that’s Your Chimp being “an emotional thinking machine”– it interprets X=Y because it feels that X=Y. It felt that day that your best would’ve been to send work emails. But what if your best was to read the book you read? What if that was the right thing for you to do that day, after work, and the wrong thing to do, was to send work emails..?

The Chimp, when it is in charge, leads us to lots of distress based on- not evidence and logic- but its impressions and perceptions that are often incorrect. I don’t think that you were guilty for having read a book.

The Chimp often makes us feel invalid, false guilt: we feel guilty when we are not guilty.

“Another value I try to live by is: I am honest in my dealings Again, while that is correct 90% of the time, I did tell a few white little lies today for self preservation and telling customers their order would be with them next week when I know it will be the week after. Again, que the inner critic”-

– You prefaced lies with white little– The Chimp, when it is in charge, often harasses us with invalid, false guilt, like in your first example. The response of the one harassed: defending against all accusations of guilt, including against valid, true guilt by minimizing or denying it.

* By self preservation, do you mean that customers threatened to hit you if their orders were late, or a supervisor instructed you to lie to customers and you were afraid to defy instructions and lose your job?

“Another value I aim to live by is: I do what’s right Again, this is closely related to the value above and whilst I do live a good moral life, lying to that customer earlier, eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do. Again, the inner critic comes at me… I am extremely tough on myself“-

– Here is the problem: the inner critic comes at you, being aggressive, being extremely tough on you.

“Has anyone any general advice on this topic? All input welcomed and appreciated“-Your aggressive inner critic is your aggressively-critical Inner parent. Replace your aggressive inner critic with a gentle, kind and yet firm inner critic.

When a child has an aggressive, accusatory parent who is extremely tough on the child (a Chimp Parent, my term), the child tries very hard to do what’s right so to avoid the Chimp Parent’s aggression, feeling a lot of invalid, false guilt, and the child hates feeling guilty so much/ afraid of the Chimp Parent’s aggression, that he minimizes and denies valid, true guilt.

Replace your Chimp Inner Parent (Chip, for short) with a Human Inner Parent (Hip, for short), a Hip who applies logic, looks for objective evidence and the bigger picture, considers feelings but is not ruled by them, and is kind, yet firm.

You mentioned chocolate cake: “eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do“- a Chip would harass you over it, putting you down, accusing you… telling you that you shouldn’t have had any cake and should never have cake again…  making you feel oh so bad that you’d crave more chocolate cake so to feel better.

A Hip would react differently, he’d tell you something like: I can see how much you enjoy chocolate cake, and I want you to enjoy it. I want you to feel good. I also know that you want to lose a few pounds, so I’ll tell you what: have a thin slice of cake twice a week. Which two days of the week would you choose?

anita