Dear Kshitij:

Today is exactly 3 months since your original post of Feb 18. I am re-reading your posts to see if I can add anything that maybe, maybe will be of some help to you.

“I made significant recovery in my physical health by the end of 2022… But, when the scholarship issue came, it shattered me… I began feeling that just when things started to become better, they went for worse… I began to think that its pointless to keep hopes…” (Feb 19)-  you made significant recovery, experienced personal success in regard to your physical and mental health recovery, had some hope for continued success, but when the scholarship crisis happened, you lost that hope and became hopeless, believing that you are doomed to No Success aka Failure (so why try..)

In this belief there is the unrealistic expectation that once success is achieved, it will continue for a long time, maybe forever; no more significant setbacks or challenges.

“I felt that no matter how much I tried, things would always get worse” (Feb 19)- this belief is in the core of the problem.

“When I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment“(April 18, exactly a month ago)- this is the basis of your belief that you can’t succeed, that you are doomed to failure: you tried to get your father to approve of you, to like you, and you failed again, and again and again, no matter how hard you tried for years!

It is true that you failed to get him to approve of you, but it was a situation where you had zero chances of success because he projected his father into you very early on.

Imagine you try to pick up, not a small rock, but a whole mountain: zero chances of success. A mountain is too big and heavy for any person to pick up. Now imagine, after failing to pick up a mountain, you decide that you will fail at anything and everything you do in life..?!

Q: Is picking up a mountain comparable to getting your father to like you? A: Yes, because your father has never seen you when he looked at you. He was seeing his father all along, and he’s very angry at his father.

When you tried to get your father to like you, you were (unknowingly) trying to get him to like his own father: zero chances of success.

His criticisms of you were his criticisms of his father. He didn’t see you; he saw his father. He placed the wrong mirror in front of you, showing you a reflection of someone else. Please look in a real mirror, and see yourself as you really are, approvable, likeable, a good person who can succeed in spite of setbacks and challenges, such that we all face.

anita

How are you, Lulu? (sorry for the double anita in the above post of a week ago, I just noticed).

anita (just one of me)

Dear Antarkala:

* I am making this comment some time into typing this post, as I realize that this is likely going to be difficult/ distressing for you to read. Please feel comfortable to read, or not to read at any point along the way.

“Recently he came to visit me and I was in a very better place but when we went on a drive and he was sooo silent over the duration of the drive, it pissed me off and triggered my anxiety and overthinking... My thoughts when he was silent – ‘why is he so silent‘, ‘how can he be so silent‘…’– it is embarrassing to open up and share that I get these thoughts but I do. I hate it too”.

“My relationships mostly ended because I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough… most prominent behavior was not being ready for commitment, not being open about the relationship and hiding it, not caring, not making any plans to do things or spend time unless I do, just not fighting with me, not trying to make it work when things started falling apart.”

As I often say, Antarkala, when we have disturbing childhoods, the disturbance (being pissed off, anxious, overthinking) persists through our adulthoods, unless and until it is adequately addressed and worked through in the context of psychotherapy.

When your father criticized you, when he, and your grandparents, expressed so much pride about everything your brother did (in your presence), but treated you like you are nothing (your words from previous posts), that disturbed you a lot. When you told your mother about it, she didn’t tell you that the problem was with the way you were treated, but with you being too sensitive: “She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things“.

Let’s pause here to understand this better: objectively, it is wrong for a parent or a grandparent (or anyone) to treat one child like a Nothing, and another child (in the presence of the first) like an Everything: it terribly hurts and disturbs the first child. When the first child reacts to the situation with hurt or anger, the child is not too sensitive, or too reactive. It really hurts, it really infuriates.

When your mother said that you were too sensitive, and saying it repeatedly over the years, and as she did not fix the situation (standing up for you and making sure that your father and grandparents corrected their behavior and treated you and your brother with equal respect), what happened to the disturbance inside you, the hurt, the anger? It kept vibrating through you whenever you observed how well your brother was treated, and you were not.

When your mother did not validate your disturbance and did not fix the situation that disturbed you, day in and day out, year after year, it was like she was silent. She didn’t make a noise (speaking up for you and telling your father and grandparents to treat you same as they treat your brother). It pissed you off. Fast forward, your boyfriend was silent during the drive, and it pissed you off.

She was silent about your problems with your father and grandparents (criticizing you and treating your brother so differently) but she was loud about her problems with the same people, your father and grandparents. Your mother did not speak up or stand up for you, so to help you; but you stood up for her, so to help her: “She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better“.

You see the inequality here? You did not tell her that she is too sensitive, that she is overreactive. Instead, you validated her and initiated a real-life action to correct her situation, and resolve her disturbance. She did not reciprocate.

No wonder your anger at her: “I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family“.

I think that what triggers your anger, anxiety and overthinking in the context of romantic relationships is the inequality I mentioned above. You expressed this inequality theme in your first, original post on March 23: “Especially in social situations… I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going… I told him I would appreciate it if he could be friendly to my friends“, and in your most recent post, May 17:  “I am the one who should always initiate conversations..  he is not helping me to keep the energy of the group up…. he is not making a good impression of himself near my friends‘, ‘he is not making an effort to be nice to my friends… I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough“- you are re-experiencing, as I see it, your hurtful and infuriating experience of childhood/ growing up: you cared so much about your mother that you initiated and did the work required (standing up for her in front of your father and grandparents), but she did not care enough to do the same for you.

Only your adult situations in the romantic context are objectively not at all similar to your childhood situation. Your boyfriend during the drive was silent, not because he didn’t care enough, seems to me. His silence triggered your pre-existing agitation.

You wrote yesterday: “I am planning to take a break from my relationship, take some space and work on myself, try to get in touch with myself“- reads to me like a good idea.

anita

Dear Robbie:

I didn’t yet read much from your first thread, and will tomorrow morning. But I had a few thoughts earlier today about your nostalgia, about you being in location A (ex., Poland) and seeing the grass as greener in location B (Spain). You go to B and miss A. You then arrange to go back to A, and already regret it before even leaving B.

In June 8, 2018, you shared that about school, “I just wanted time to pass“. About waiting for your parents at their workplace: “I was basically waiting. idling. (well… I’m not so surprised not that much changed now)“- lots of waiting, putting your life on hold until time and circumstance are favorable to really live.

Seems like you have been looking for the right time, the right place, the right circumstance to .. sort of catch up with life, to close the waiting/ idling gap.

What you missed growing up while waiting and idling.. what I missed growing up anxious and depressed, I cannot get back no matter the time, place and circumstance, because I can never again be a real-life child with the hopes and dreams only children have; the glorious, magical kind of make-believe ideas children experience.

It may be, Robi, that you are attached to those glorious, magical kind of make-believe life children believe in, because this part was put on hold while you waited, idling, as a child and teenager. It may be that the green on the other side (another location in the world, another time, another circumstance) can never be the green you had in mind while waiting and waiting. Not in location A, or B, or C.

Back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Alex:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!

This is my 3rd reply to you. I think that you missed my 1st, where I summarized what you shared in your original post and offered you my thoughts about what you asked.  I am copying and pasting it here:

Dear Alex: You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But  “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.

“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-

– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.

Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.

Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?

“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.   (end of first reply).

In your most recent post, you brought up your male ego (“Maybe my ego is bigger than normal. Maybe I’m the one that needs help“), but there is a much bigger problem than how your male ego feels about living with a women with an extensive sexual past. The much bigger problem is that she’s been telling you about her sexual past again, and again, after you told her that it hurts you and that you feel disrespected when she does.

“It’s the disrespect and deliberate attempt to hurt me that I can’t get past“- you are living with a woman who deliberately attempts to hurt you, deliberately and repeatedly. Are you aware of the gravity of the bigger problem, which you stated in this sentence?

Earlier you wrote: ” maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“- sadism… meaning you believe that she derives pleasure from seeing you hurt when she tells you about how wonderful sex was for her with other men?

anita

Dear Alex:

You might not have noticed (double posting), but I submitted a reply for you a few minutes before you submitted your 2nd post. If you didn’t notice it, you are welcome to read it.

Having read your 2nd post, indeed no wonder she talks about her sex life with previous partners- that has been her personal and work life in the pornographic industry for 20 years!

Not that she should. It is harmful to you. “I would never introduce any information into her headspace that would trouble her or make her anxious“- and neither should she.

“Was there a need for me to know all these details about how many guys and how much sex and the quality of sex she’s had when I was very clear about boundaries and that this makes me uncomfortable?… I worry that she won’t stop talking about her past because maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“-

– living with a woman you suspect to have “some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“, while wanting to stay with her forever, or for a long time (“We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married“), how does it feel?

“This is an outlier as a person at least for someone like me who has been married twice so I’ve had very few partners in life”– maybe the outlier-in-her attracts the .. hidden outlier-in-you?

(We all have a hidden outlier within us, don’t we?)

anita