Dear Seaturtle: I will soon be away from the computer for the remainder of Thursday and back Friday morning. I hope that you are okay and strong!

anita

Dear Rosie:

I am back to you 2nd thing this morning.

“Since you can relate to my story… Do you still feel weighed down and tired?“-

– Even though I am so much older than I was as a teenager, I have so much more energy that it amazes me. I work physically every day in a local apple and pear farm and I am known (as someone who worked hard his whole life told me) “the hardest working person I know”.

“Since you can relate to my story, what did you do about your relationship with your mother?“- one thing I did, as soon as I was able to, was to give her all the cash I had at the time (I was in my late 20s) so that she can put a down payment on a bigger apartment in a better location (the great majority of people live in apartments in the country I’m from) because she complained so much over the years that the apartment we lived in was too small (it is very small) and in a bad location.

I made that money in my first full time job in the U.S., and planned to use it to buy my own place in the U.S., but of course, my mother came first. It so happened that the price of apartments in the country I am from (where my mother lived) went up significantly at the time and the money I gave her wasn’t enough (so she said, I didn’t check).

I wrote that she came first. I wasn’t even a second in my own mind/ in my own life. I felt too guilty for my life to be about me. I had to become a good daughter before I could feel justified to be number 1 in my own life. And by number 1, I don’t mean being selfishly # 1. I mean being of any significance to myself.

Ten years ago I cut all contact with her. I felt guilty about it for year. With therapy at the time (2011-13) and working on my mental health through my daily participation in these forums since 2015, I finally- recently-  feel okay about the no contact. I finally feel free from the Guilt and.. the result: I am no longer weighted down. I have energy.. I feel alive.

“I personally feel as though my mom somewhat expects me and my siblings to take care of her problems. When me and my younger sisters were children, we used to give her whatever money we had“- same as I did. I never felt that I deserved money that I earned, I felt that it must be hers because I had to compensate her for having .. me as her daughter. Even before I ever worked, I felt too guilty to use her money and did my best to spend as little as I could. As an adult, I often lived in horrendous conditions because I wanted to save money and give it to her.

“My brother brought the last car that my mother drove“- this reminds me: when my mother arrived to the U.S. intending to stay, I drove her around in my old car. I was just beginning my first full-time job and was very stressed. I totaled my old car. Even though she didn’t have a driver’s license (in any country), I bought her an almost new car in her favorite color: red,  one of her favorite makes: Ford Mustang, thinking she’ll get a license and drive it.

I hated that car, but it was for her. When she saw it, she said: this is not red, it’s the color of  burgundy! I was so distressed at the time I bought the car that I thought it was red.

Point of this story is that I never succeeded to please my mother, to receive her approval/ her OK to live my own life.

Back to you: “In her apartment there was mold growing in the bathroom and spreading onto the walls and ceiling. She complained about it and was embarrassed of it. I randomly decided to paint the bathroom for her one day. A few days later I started to ponder, if it bothered her so much, why didn’t she ever try to paint it herself? The bathroom has looked like that for years”- reads like Learned Helplessness, on your mother part, feeling incapable to solve her own problems.

“While I struggle with my family issues, I also struggle in my personal relationships. I feel like my peers have it easier than me… I haven’t been anywhere. I do not feel like I can relate to my boyfriend’s family or friends because I don’t have anything to add to their conversations. I also do not feel truly accepted by them”-

– I too very much struggled in my personal relationships.. I hardly had any personal relationships. I did travel (to Europe and from there, to the U.S., and within the U.S.) but .. I haven’t been anywhere other than the same old, same old place: in between my ears. I too, from a very early age, felt that others- my peers- had it so much better and I felt like an outsider everywhere.

“I don’t really feel good in any specific area of my life right now. Usually when I feel down, I try to focus my energy in the area of my life that is going the best, but right now I don’t know what area that would be“-

– I think that I feel your despair, that not-really-living feeling that I had, not being a part of what is good out there, sort of rotting while still being alive.. That’s how I felt so often and for so long. Is that how you feel…?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Waking up well is a good thing.. waking up to the truth is a good thing. You sent a link about the crown chakra and it’s so very relevant to this time, it being that the crown chakra, the 7th and highest, is the chakra of highest level of understanding/ enlightenment. More about chakras later, postponed. I am working on the reply now.

anita

I like who you are, Seaturtle. Good night (sleepy face emoji).

anita

I am thinking about you, Seaturtle at this time, nine minutes to 5:30. May the Force Be With You (taken from Star Wars.. in case you don’t know). Stick to your plan, and let me know how it goes…

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I was fed up yesterday, fed up with N and his appearances/ pretenses and then The Lie that was clearly a lie. I didn’t want to hear (read) any more of his pretenses and lies and get stuck in a non-ending situation with you where you remain confused by his pretenses and lies, and me repeating myself in vain.

“It will be hard but I would love nothing more than to have your support, in a breakup plan and occasional journaling on here“- absolutely, you have my support. (I prefer communicating here because I spend the majority of my online time here and not on email, but I’m okay with you having my email address, and even my phone number… if I had a phone.. long story).

“I am ready to get rid of this poison in my life… enough of my energy has been sucked away in trying to get the rose tinted goggles off my face, for this person… I have been preparing for this end for a long time, in a way, this whole past year“-

– First, now that you intend to break up with him this evening, I want to go back to your yesterday post in effort to help you get even more clarity about things and be more prepared for this evening:

“My, the night went differently than I could have expected!“- you wrote this yesterday. Be prepared that once again, this evening, he will use his impressive gaslighting and other skills to throw you off your goal of breaking up with him. Be prepared that he will say things and employ appearances that you don’t expect. Better still, we can predict what he might say and do tonight, so that nothing is a surprise to you.

Coming to think about it, you don’t owe him to explain anything to him in-person. It will be perfectly fine if you explain things to him in-writing, an email, and avoid being exposed to gaslighting in-person.

Back to your yesterday’s post:  “So he picked me up on time, and we went to an Italian restaurant. We sat down and had a glass of wine“- no wine during a break-up meeting.. or weed, or any such drug.

“he said he was going to start taking better care of himself, his home cleanliness and eating habits, things that he said went astray when I left!…  and I appreciated this answer“- prepare for the possibility that he will flatter you and tell you very nice things about you and the positives you have had in his life (and still can have in the future), and otherwise say things that will make you feel good.

“I said ‘You encourage me to do what I love to do‘ and I had a second one ‘You are willing to try to communicate and don’t like going to sleep upset with each other‘, a few nights ago…  he wanted to come over to cuddle up and I just appreciate that he likes to hug or be loving after an argument, it makes me feel safe”-

– prepare for the possibilities that he will repeat tonight what he knows (because you told him) that you like and that which makes you feel safe.. with him: encouraging you to do what you love to do, do his best (skilled yet insincere and manipulative) communicating, and offer to hug/ cuddle with you.

“He said ‘I really like that you...’ I appreciated that he noticed this, I did not know that he did”- be prepared to.. be suspicious of anything he says following the words I really like that you... I appreciate that you... etc.,  anything he says that flatters you.

“I was proud of myself though, because I was able to speak clearly and I did not allow him to gaslight me again, which he was trying to do. However…“- However… he ended up gaslighting you.

I was impressed yesterday, reading how clearly and intelligently you expressed yourself to him. Unfortunately, you were not a match to his manipulating skills. This happened last night. You may be successfully gaslit again tonight. This is why breaking up with him via email, not being exposed to his manipulating/ gaslighting skills, may be a good idea.

“He nodded at this seeming to begin to understand or at least try”- prepare for him to nod again, just at the right moment, and to seem/ appear to understand.

“End of our night he said something that made me really have a new perspective about everything”- End of the night, he successfully gaslit you.

“He said ‘Do you think the victim is always right?‘… I did not foresee this kind of questioning”– prepare for him to ask you a question or questions that are meant for him to take the lead of the conversation, leading you away from your goal and clarity and toward confusion and another successful gaslighting event.

“I said: ‘… you were investigating me‘. He shook his head no, he did not understand… I went on to tell him the gravity of gaslighting, after understanding that he genuinely did not socially understand… he literally did not understand how I could take his reaction as if he was investigating or judging me at all”-

– he did investigate you and he did understand that he investigated you. By falsely and dishonestly claiming that he had no understanding that he investigated you, he places himself in the (false) position of an innocent child who needs an adult to explain basic things to him.

“I said ‘There’s multiple issues here, but it sounds like it is starting with you literally having a lack of awareness about how you come across’“- you bought his false claim(that he is like an innocent child who needs to be taught) and you were, at this point, proceeding the way he wanted you to proceed.

“When I went on about this example he looked completely defeated, he said something along the lines of ‘I had no idea I came across that way.’… he looked completely stunned“- the deceit continues: the lies and the insincere appearance of being defeated and stunned. Expect lies and insincere appearances tonight.

“I genuinely believed him“- bingo, he got you, gaslighting mission accomplished!

“You are over here socially unaware of how you are coming across to me“- he is aware, very aware of how he comes across to you, so aware that he successfully plans and executes coming across the way he wants to come across to you. He is very good at it too, the reason that meeting him in-person for a breakup might be a bad idea.

“At this point we both had tears in our eyes“- be prepared for tears in his eyes, or for him trying to get his tears to flow.

I said ‘There can be a solution, but it has to be you increasing your awareness of how you are treating me so that you either stop…'”-

– based on his success in manipulating you, you figured here that the solution is not to break up with the manipulative adult in front of you, but to teach an innocent child (that he is neither) the basics of human interactions (while he is very aware of and skillful at human interactions.. the dishonest kind).

“He got quiet and looked in shock and defeated and hopeless“- he is an impressive performer. He got quiet because it unsettles you that he is quiet in this context.

“I said ‘babe you can’t shut down on me now‘ and he said he wanted to leave the restaurant”- anxious about him being quiet, threatened by it (fearing separation from him), he takes his threat further, threatening to leave.. you

“I hugged him“- threatened by his quietness and his gesture of leaving you, you hugged him, wanting to be connected to him, to not separate from him.

“he hugged me more delicately than he ever has, he didn’t even fully grab me, he just had one hand through my hair and the other lightly on my back, accepting my hug”- keeping you on your toes, not fully accepting you back into his life.

He said: “I don’t understand how to read people and I definitely did not understand body language for a long time and had to learn”- he learned a whole lot. He understands how to read people and body language very well, and he uses it so to his advantage at the expense of others.

“I don’t know how to behave, and I don’t know how to read other people’s behavior. I am retarded or something I don’t know.. I was absolutely wowed, just had the biggest ‘ah ha’ moment. He LITERALLY did not know how was coming across, all those times… I felt compassion… is this something I can love about him and help him?”-

– Gaslighting Mission Accomplished: he dishonestly presented himself as an innocent, helpless child who needs an adult’s help and you feel compassion for the alleged innocent and helpless child and want to help him, to teach him.

Sincerely, Seaturtle, he is very good at what he does and .. I don’t know how you can break up with him in-person.

For whatever it’s worth, regarding what to expect for him if you meet him for the purpose of breaking up with him: he will use against you the fact that (he knows that) you are emotionally very attached to him and that a big part of you does not want to break up with him, and he will once again get quiet, and maybe he’ll appear as if he is okay with you breaking up with him, just so to make you anxious and reverse your stated intent to break up with him.

You wrote today, Dec 6: “I wanted to end it last night but the timing didn’t work, I have plans to do so at 5:30pm tonight…. If you would like to start helping me with a breakup plan it would be greatly appreciated“- better that you break up with him via email where you explain to him that the reason you are not breaking up with him in person is not that you lack respect for him, but that you have too much respect for his dishonestly manipulative skills.

* About chakras and auras, tomorrow.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am shocked to read bout your resolution. I didn’t read it all.. are you sure??? I am excited for you but also scared for you.. I will reply more, just wanted to write something as soon as I read most of your post just a moment ago.

anita

Dear Seaturtle and hatchling:

Thank you. I will read about chakras and auras in the morning, We can still talk about gaslighting in terms of Telling the difference between gut (truth/ honesty within you/ within me) and fear which often distorts the truth, and promotes dishonesty. I’ll see how chakras and auras relate to this in the morning.

anita