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anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“Maybe I should zone out when they (say) something stupid“- Maybe you can zone out before anyone says something stupid?
I used to zone out a lot and nothing that was said around me registered in my brain, it’s part of my ADD, Attention Deficit. Nowadays, it happens when people talk too much, it tires me.
“I am always worried about other people.. if I am making them sad by saying no blah blah… I am always worried I would say something stupid… I suppress myself.”
-I too was so worried about hurting other people, not only with the words I said, but with the words I should have said, but didn’t; worried that I’d hurt people with the expressions on my face, by what did or didn’t do (but should have done). It was an endless, tiring, exhausting way to live. I was like under a magnifying glass, in my own mind, criticizing my every thought, my every word, expression, act. I used to get so ANGRY for.. not being free, free to just live, to just be without that critical overseer.
I used to suppress myself most of the time. It was so difficult! It was crazy-making. It is so important to express, at least sometimes, to fully, genuinely, simply express oneself.
I wish you can start doing it at work, in small portions, just a bit here, a bit there. Same in India, at home, anywhere and everywhere.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“It’s just I am worried about people’s (in laws and relatives) judgement. I don’t have the confidence to stand up for myself and be assertive… Due to this anxiety it would be hard for me to face people’s judgement in India“- I wonder if, when you are there with in-laws and relatives, if you can tune out to what they are saying and focus on interacting with children, if children are present, or focus on things in the background? Or you can “listen” to a song in your head, instead of listening to what they are saying? (I am ale to do that.. without even trying, lol).
“The other big thing is my fear with procession of Hindu gods. That would take when I am vacationing in India. I am worried that would trigger me“- can you stay home during the procession?
“Lately, I feel like I am living my life for others. I am a people pleaser“- lately more than before? How?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You are probably very busy getting ready for the flight to India, maybe you are on the plane right now: I wanted to wish you and your family safe travels, and to wish you a good visit with your mother!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Once I understand, deeply, thoroughly, that she and I were always separated, never together, there is no reason, no purpose to keep her falsehoods in me. No reason, no purpose in being loyal to her.
There is simply no way, there has been no way for me to be together with her, she just wouldn’t, couldn’t.. wouldn’t be with me. And so, I could only imagine that I was with her, that there was a Together.
As a child, it was not a biological possibility for me to understand that I was alone. I had to imagine a together, so to not perish in terrible, deadly alone-ness.
And now, I can understand that there was no together. I don’t need to imagine a together with her. I can be together with other people, others who are way less resistant (than my mother) to being together with me.
Healing, sobering up, is not about separating from her, it’s about deeply, thoroughly understanding that she couldn’t, wouldn’t be with me, for me. Not because of a fault in the child-me, but a lack of an ability and willingness on her part to be together with anyone.
– To be continued-
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am accepting some truths, letting these truths sink in, letting them really sink in, and I can see the difference in my daily emotional experience and behavior. My life was bad while my brain was assaulted by untruths spewed by my mother (directly and indirectly, via her voice in my brain, in her physical absence); my life is getting better as my brain is rejecting her untruths (there’re so many, many of untruth that she assaulted my brain with).
Peeling off her Falsehoods, is leaving me with what is True.
The falsehoods are not just what she told me (and she told me a whole lots of falsehoods), it is also what I told myself so to make sense of her falsehoods, and so to maintain loyalty to her, falsehoods such as me and her being a team, us against the world (and therefore, being on her side, against everyone). There was never a team, never a we, as in me and my mother (not outside my imagination).
I only imagined she and I were a team, that’s what I needed to believe so to not really know how alone I was.
Strangely, my healing is not about separating myself from her; it’s about knowing we were always separated.
To be continued-
anita
anitaParticipantI want to add: it shouldn’t be about you and your husband, about who is right, and who is wrong. It should be about the mental health of the children the two of you brought into the world. And so, for as long as you are living with your husband, do keep your cool, every day.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lily Margarette:
“My husband is selfish. He can never put himself in any one else’s position but his own… I kept my feelings to myself. But.. later today…on the weekend of our daughter’s religious presentation… I’m fuming… I’m really angry now… Now.. the sulking will begin, the slamming doors and being rude… How do I keep my cool? ..my daughter will be upset considering everyone else will be there with their families..”–
– You asked how do you keep your cool because you can put yourself in your 3 children’s shoes (ages 14, 11 and 8, this coming September), and you know how damaging expressed anger in the home is to children, your own children, more damaging than a father not showing up to a religious presentation. Your job, as a mother, is indeed to keep the home as calm as possible because this is what your children need.
Therefore, for as long as you live with your husband in the home, please see to it that your children are not threatened by slamming doors and rude voices and words. Perhaps you can see a medical doctors for a prescription to help you keep calm at this time, temporarily, for now?
Thank you for caring to keep your cool, this is what a good mother does.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
I am doing well, thank you for being as appreciative and gracious as you are!
“I feel like just texting her again out of the blue, but that will be really illogical“- I agree, that would be illogical.
“I met someone else… Let’s call her SS. She’s nice and sweet and she’s smart too. It’s been going well with her till now but I haven’t come into a relationship with her right now. I’m still thinking about it“- it’s a good thing (!) that you are not in a rush with SS (an acronym for Sweet & Smart?)
“Apart from that my life has taken a busy turn and I’m much more focused on my goals at the moment“- I am glad to read that you are focused on your goals, and not rushing into a relationship!
* On Jan 30, you wrote: “I agree with the fearful avoidant attachment style… when I think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment“- better approach the prospect of a relationship at a later time, when you are more prepared to manage the challenges of a relationship.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
I re-read through our 3- page communication this Mon morning (Mon night your time, I believe). Any news since you posted last on April 3, following having received EN’s response to your message, saying that she is not interested in friendship?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are very welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!
“I want to free myself from this trauma and suffering, its been too long but I don’t know how to give myself peace and solace among these intrusive thoughts. I know I lack self-compassion, for I at times judge myself for obsessing over these intrusive thoughts“- the function of the emotional experiences of shame (judging oneself negatively) and guilt (judging one’s actions negatively) is to motivate a person to correct certain behaviors that need to be corrected, so to be a better person to oneself, and to others. Once the correction has been made, shame and guilt, having served their purpose, should be resolved and dissolved. When a person is stuck in guilt and shame, it’s like a festering wound in one’s mind and heart, filling the mind and heart with pus. There is no space for self-compassion when one’s mind-and-heart are filled with figurative pus.
Earlier in your thread, you wrote: “there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academic“- you felt- feel that you were not a good person, nothing (almost) good in you.
“I do not want to spend the two years of my masters consumed in these intrusive thoughts and struggling with my mental health because of them“- I think that being stuck in shame and guilt has been fueling your intrusive thoughts for a long time.
Earlier in your thread, you wrote: “As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations‘“- like your friend said, it is your need to suffer (a result of shame and guilt), that’s dragging you to (fueling) your intrusive thoughts.
Here is more evidence of your shame and guilt (May 23): “I took that anger on myself… taking some revenge by hurting myself… self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations… I judge myself“- you feel like hurting and harming someone you judge to be a bad person. You wouldn’t be motivated to hurt, harm and take revenge against a person you judge to be a good person.
May 23: “I sometimes feel that lack of self compassion is the very reason I suffer so much from these intrusive thoughts“- shame and guilt (the figurative pus I mentioned above) leave no space for self-compassion. Shame and guilt are fueling your intrusive thoughts and causing a mix of despair, depression, rage, hopelessness, and bitterness.
The sermons delivered by your father, was where and how shame and guilt were introduced into your mind and heart, weren’t they?
“I am not being able to tell my therapist about this. She has been so helpful over the last two years…“- I hope that you manage somehow to tell it all to your therapist: you can start by telling her why it’s so difficult for you to tell her.
When your shame and guilt are resolved, so will your unnecessary suffering, unnecessary because you are a good person, and good people should not suffer.
anita
May 27, 2024 at 8:10 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #433170anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for wishing me well. “A few days ago I talked to my parents and I told them I don’t feel that good here and I’m considering going back to Warsaw… they kept telling me over and over that I should stay here because there are more and better opportunities for me here – reminding me how I used to complain about living in Warsaw ( with my girlfriends mother, the flat, the weather, etc. )“- (1) lesson learned (?): don’t complain to them anymore about living in Warsaw (or anywhere else), it’s not fair to them, really, (2) I don’t see greater opportunities for you in Spain than in Warsaw, being that teaching English in Spain didn’t pay much (and caused you headaches), and being a waiter there- I assume you can do that in Warsaw.
“The days that followed I kept thinking and rethinking.. not really being able to fully decide anything… Before I bought it I felt like I wanted to go to Warsaw“- it’s been a pattern: feeling badly in location A and missing location B => deciding to go back to location B and buying the ticket => doubting and regretting the decision. It’s almost as if every place you live in feels like the storage-glass-door-room where you grew up, or your parents’-workplace where you had to wait for hours. You feel trapped in a place and needing to get out of the trap.. only to get re-trapped someplace else…?
“If I go to Warsaw, for a while I would have to live with her mother.. and that doesn’t feel great.. also knowing she’s not very comfortable I’ll be back there – she felt quite offended by my behaviour ( not liking it there and knowing she was the reason ). I don’t really have another option at the moment. Whenever I manage to have an income there we’ll try to find a better solution“- talking today about not being fair to parents, it really isn’t fair to her mother, for you to make her feel unwanted in her own home. I understand that you don’t choose how you feel about her, but if you live in her home, you have to behave kindly and respectfully toward her.
I hope that your time ad conversations with your girlfriend, very soon, will help you think more clearly and feel some peace of mind and heart.
anita
May 26, 2024 at 6:18 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #433162anitaParticipantDear Robi: I will reply Mon (it is Sun evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You are welcome. Yes, please, let us keep in contact. I will write more Mon morning (it is Sun evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij: I will reply in the next 14 hours.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am peeling my mother off of my brain (I like the sound of it!). To peel off a person so POWERFUL in one’s life is.. well, impressive. I impress myself, lol. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least, to remove her inaccurate thinking from my (poor, assaulted) brain.
Brain Assaulted- a proper title to my story.
Brain Recovery= get the crazy woman off of me!
= Aka Brain Plasticity (neuroplasticity), but I am digressing into scientific terms.
She told me that Everyone was Bad (including me) and that she was Good = inaccurate thinking, a misrepresentation of the truth: in my personal life, there is only one person looming big in badness directly and personally expressed to me–
And that person is.. you guessed it, my mother.
The Truth.
Confusion was her weapon, Clarity is my salvation,
To finally.. believe Me,
I hear her voice: who do you think you are, you are a **** ****…. ****… ****…
Shut up, I am peeling you off, you bad, bad thing for me,
To be continued.
anita
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