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anitaParticipantDear Joohi:
This post will be long and it will include quotes from various online sources, not all appear to apply to your individual story, but I view it all as connected.
“My dad said horrible things to me such as are you stupid. No one in our family has married to white. Look at your cousins who are born here in the United States and they are married to Indian. He tried to cut ties with me. I was really scared. My mom was crying a lot. He forced me to quit my job (full-time), by forcing me to stay home“-
– There is a word, coercion, and a term, coercive control, that apply to your father’s behavior. Wikipedia on coercion: “Coercion involves compelling a party to act in an involuntary manner by the use of threats… It involves a set of forceful actions which violate the free will of an individual in order to induce a desired response”.
From parenting for brain. com/ coercive parenting(in regard to minor-age children): “Coercive parenting is using harsh parental behavior such as hitting, yelling, scolding, threatening, rejecting, and psychological control to enforce compliance with the child. These parents also use frequent negative commands, name-calling, overt expressions of anger, and physical aggression. Coercive parents are authoritarian parents. They are intrusive, over-controlling… Coercive parents are generally more concerned about retaining hierarchical status distinctions…”.
From Wikipedia/ violence against women in India: “According to the National Crime Records Bureau of India, reported incidents of crime against women increased by 15.3% in 2021 compared to the year 2020…. <sup id=”cite_ref-5″ class=”reference”></sup>in 2011, there were more than 228,650 reported incidents of crime against women, while in 2021, there were 428,278 reported incidents, an 87% increase… 65% of Indian men believe women should tolerate violence in order to keep the family together, and women sometimes deserve to be beaten. <sup id=”cite_ref-Survey_7-0″ class=”reference”></sup>In January 2011, the International Men and Gender Equality Survey (IMAGES) Questionnaire reported that 24% of Indian men had committed sexual violence at some point during their lives…
“The perpetuation of violence against women in India continues as a result of many systems of sexism and patriarchy in place within Indian culture… <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-2″ class=”reference”></sup>Married women in India tend to see violence as a routine part of being married. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-3″ class=”reference”></sup>Women who are put in a situation where they are being subjected to gender-based violence are often victim shamed, being told that their safety is their own responsibility and that whatever may happen to them is their own fault.<sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-4″ class=”reference”></sup> In addition to this, women are very heavily pressured into complicity because of social and cultural beliefs, such as family honor”.
Back to your original post: “One day, I packed my bags quickly as I could. When my mom was taking shower, I bolted out of the window… When I went home, my dad pretended nothing happened and he was not even sorry. Later on, I was depressed living with my parents. So I moved out again… Fast forward to now, my bf wants me to live with (him) and my parents want me to come home. My mom wants me home because of my dad because he will get mad at her. In my culture, I am not suppose to be living with my bf before marriage… I am in this situation where one side is my relationship with my bf and other side is my relationship and my culture to my parents. This has caused me a lot of anxiety and made me go to clinic to get anxiety medicine. This whole situation is causing my bf extreme anxiety…. I feel guilty for lying but I had no choice to lie for my own safety. Please help… Any advice. Please help.”-
– Your culture, as is true to other traditional cultures, such as the one I grew up in, include some positive aspects and delicious food, but also- part of the culture– is the coercive control and severe abuse of children, particularly of girls, and of women.
I believe that you are safer in the U.S., in terms of physical violence and rape, than you would be in many parts of India because the Indian police and court system, from what I read, often do not protect women from physical assaults. And yet, you are not safer in terms of abuse that does not include shed blood, broken bones and rape: you have been severely abused following your choice of boyfriend, based on his race.
You need to be protected from any further abuse, so whatever needs to be done for your protection is of first priority.
One way for you to avoid your father’s further abuse is to 100% submit to his will in any area that he demands submission. But you don’t have to submit to him: you are an adult woman living in the U.S., and therefore you have other choices.
A family is supposed to be a place of physical and psychological safety, isn’t it? Humiliation, name calling, threats, subjugation, etc., (coercive control), do not belong in a family, and when these things are exercised within the family- the family needs to be rejected.
Culture has a positive connotation, but when subjugation, rape and other physical assaults are part of the culture- the culture itself should be rejected, and a new one resurrected from it: one that does not include these things.
I hope to read from you again and communicate with you further. I hope for the best for you.
anita
December 16, 2023 at 9:29 am in reply to: Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please. #426123anitaParticipantDear Nala1234:
You are very welcome.
“Since my last post about a year ago, I have been in consistent therapy. It has helped so much with my anxiety… My relationship anxiety went away and other anxieties came up. I made progress in the realizations that my family has had a huge effect on my mental health. It is a slow process to heal, but last night and this morning felt like the biggest setback I have had. It felt like I felt a year ago when I had this panic attack with negative thoughts about my boyfriend (who we are calling ‘S’.) The thoughts have changed since last year. But the same terrifying feeling came back and really scared me. This is the first time since I made that first post in 2022.”-
– (1) Congratulations for all your work and commitment to healing! (2) Reading this reminds me of my MANY setbacks and how each setback scared me as I thought that the progress I made was gone because of the setback. With that fear-reaction to the setback, I stopped progressing for long periods of time, regressing instead. Eventually, I figured that setbacks are part of the process/ part of the progress, that in matters of mental health, there is no such thing as a linear, never-setback progress. Viewing setbacks as they truly are made my long-term progress possible.
“S is going through a hard time himself right now. It’s hard to be supportive sometimes when I myself am not in the best mental state. Sometimes I think his anxiety feeds mine“- it takes team work (a Win-Win relationship) to help each other with anxiety, including giving each other space/ alone time.
“We will also be visiting with my family soon and I have a lot of worries and fears going into it“- every time I visited my mother (after I left to another country), I experienced lots of anxiety- before, during, and after each visit. Similar to you, (“my family has had a huge effect on my mental health“), my mother (my father didn’t leave with us) had a huge negative effect on my mental health. That negative effect got triggered every time I was in her physical presence.
For me, every visit with her was a real setback. It took longer and longer to recover from each visit as the years gone by.
“I have fears that my family does not like S. But I have no logical reason to believe this“- if your family will appear unhappy anytime during your visit with S, you might assume that they don’t like him, even if they don’t say anything on the matter simply because, as you wrote in regard to your family back in Oct 2022: “If they are unhappy I blame myself“, blaming yourself, in this case, for (allegedly) causing your family to be unhappy because of your choice of a partner.
“Ultimately, I do agree with your answer in your response that I am feeling a mix of anger and anxiety. I have trouble with knowing what to do with these emotions when the only thing that feels like the right answer is to pick an argument with S. Or tell him what’s going on in my head, hear what he has to say and then immediately shut it down and have something else negative to say to him. This is toxic behavior from me & I know it has to be hurting his feelings. I want to stop, it is not fair to him. Any advice as to how I can combat feeling this way without needing S’s support? He is not the person that I should talk to if the negative thoughts are about him. This usually happens during the off hours of my therapist so talking to him in the moment would not be an option either”-
– My advice: use the NPARR strategy that I use: * Notice when you feel like picking an argument with S, Pause (do not start an argument and if you already started, pause it. *Address the situation (ask yourself: what is happening here.. oh, my anxiety went up, I felt angry and I want to lash out at S.. not a good idea, not what I want to do. What should I say or do instead of arguing?).
* Respond-or-not (say or do something, or not, as in say nothing and do nothing) and lastly, * Redirect (direct your attention elsewhere, think of something else, go for a walk by yourself, etc.
It’s about placing a distance between your strong tendency to react a certain way to your elevated anxiety/ anger, a way that on the very short term feels right (although it isn’t), and choosing a different reaction, one that is constructive and which fits your values. It takes practice and self-discipline but it gets easier the more you practice it.
Do you have a plan in regard to your visit, in terms of how to react to possibly being guilt tripped during the visit (“Guilt trips are a bigggg thing in my family. They have been used my whole life“, Oct 2022)?
anita
December 16, 2023 at 8:13 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426122anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I wrote to you: “it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be allowing him to destroy you.”, and your response: “yes true. a tragic Shakespearean love story, where she debates to be or not to be…“-
– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.
Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-
– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?
The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra), “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.
In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.
Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.
In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“- I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.
“It is an interesting concept that he didn’t ‘know-know,’ I am curious how someone can operate on such an unconscious level? It rings true that he doesn’t think deeply about things that he doesn’t find necessary, but why is this?“- The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. If something you say feels unpleasant to N, he automatically rejects it. If you try to talk to him about it, to explain, he will reject it all just as he rejected it initially. It’s a cognitive short cut of sorts. I don’t know how it came about that this is his (or anyone’s) MO. I’ll think about it.
“He said with words that he wanted to grow but he didn’t with actions and I don’t think he sees the value in it, but why? So this is a huge value I have for a future partner: curious about life and a want to grow in wisdom and understand meaning in human life“- It is easy to say words.. maybe the why (above and here) is that it’s way easier to reject things before consideration (the Teflon Mind) and it is way easier and simpler, in the short term, to not consider the meaning in human life, etc.
“I am feeling clearer now than I did last night and this morning“- good, that was Fri morning. How are you this Saturday?
“I think this is a particularly vulnerable time for me being sick and having to worry financially, when N would have my back if I was sick. He was kind and would tell me not to worry about the money right now and just to get better“- N caused or promoted your sickness when you were living with him (blocking your chakras, see above online source), so see this part I just mentioned in the bigger picture of him being kind to you when you were sick
“(F) would lend me money if I asked but it would come with strings, and I would feel obligated to act in a certain way towards him again so that he felt gratitude for it. He has lofty expectations for gratitude, ways that I have to behave around him that can involve hatch in her cage“- better not say or do anything if the price is to place or keep hatch in a cage.. including resuming a relationship with N.
“I have not seen a doctor because I have had this sickness before and have been self medicating, but I have been taking care of myself best as I can. Drinking fluids, eating protein, showering, painting. Today I think I will attempt some yoga floor work at home that does not hurt my knee“- how is your knee today, and did you do yoga? Yoga’s chest and shoulder opening poses are excellent for opening the heart chakra: I do one such every morning.
anita
December 15, 2023 at 12:00 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426115anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
Keep drinking fluids and taking good care of yourself! I read only a bit from your two recent posts and will read all (including anything you may add) tomorrow morning. Tale care, precious Seaturtle!
anita
December 15, 2023 at 11:58 am in reply to: Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please. #426114anitaParticipantDear Nala1234: I will be able to read and reply to your recent post (and to anything you may add to it before I return) tomorrow (Saturday) morning, in about 18 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Joohi:
I read your original post and will reply further later, maybe as late as tomorrow (Saturday) morning. But for now: I think that your proposed solution at the end of your post is the best: for you to live separately and independently from your parents and from your boyfriend.
I understand how expensive it’d be but maybe there are less expensive options such as being a live-in caretaker, exchanging caretaking of an older person for rent, an older person who needs help only at certain times, so that you have the time to continue your job and studies…?
anita
December 15, 2023 at 11:38 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426109anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I was worried about you but wanting to give you space, I didn’t inquire. I am sorry that you’ve been feeling worse health wise and (understandably) emotionally as well.
“Last night I missed my friend N, (please don’t roll your eyes…“- I didn’t even feel an inclination to roll my eyes.
“The air has been tense between us since and I feel judged by her“- I am sad about M not being a friend to you, particularly at a time when you need a friend!
“Anita I just want to crawl into a cave. I feel like I don’t know what is right or wrong right now… I miss them, and I started to feel like I did break up with him coldly and not honoring the good“- understandably you want to crawl into a cave: you’ve been having a difficult time for a long time regarding the relationship with N, and then Covid hit. Having broken up with N, there is no one to hug you… I understand.
“Please don’t take this offensively Anita, but I just want to be honest because I need to be. Last night as I was questioning how things ended and wondering… he cash and n-word were the final straws, and I do still believe valid reasons… But you have helped me see all these things and I started to wonder what is in this for you?…What gives you the grace and wisdom to help all of us?“-
– I find a very positive meaning to my life in communicating with you and with others in these forums. It helps me to heal and become a better person. As you know, I encouraged the relationship between you and N repeatedly and for a long time until you shared about the cash and N word incidents. So, you can see that I didn’t have an agenda to lead you to break up with him until.. I got to know him through our communication here.
If you choose to contact him and even get back with him, I’d still communicate with you. I will not judge you or roll my eyes or anything like that. I understand that your life is.. your life and I don’t have the right to tell you what to do, nor would it be helpful to you if I told you what to do.
I wish you had in-person/ irl emotional support right now so that N does not seem to be your only option for irl comfort, and so that you don’t make a decision to contact him out of desperation.
“Anyways back to why it is a hard morning for me, despite the hard times with N, if I was ever sick or really upset he would come over to comfort me… he was always someone a phone call away from coming to give me a hug (reminds me of when you said to hug myself, so I just did). I am really trying my best here but I am sad and don’t know what is next for me. My finances are playing into my stress as well… I got covid… I just had this while breakup planned healthy and I got knee injured and sick, I feel stuck…“- You are having a difficult time, Seaturtle, in multiple ways. Can you ask your father for financial help, since he has plenty of money?
And are you taking care of yourself physically/ did you see a doctor on zoom or whatnot?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Adrienne:
You shared that you met a man on an online dating app back in Sept 2022, “There were times when he would cancel the date at the last minute, won’t answer my calls, would only communicate to me during weekdays“.
In March 2023, you found out that he has kid (or kids) and a partner. Devastated, you “blocked him and also told his partner that he’s fooling around. I asked him why he lied to me and he said that he’s no longer happy with the partner and only staying for the kid“.
By early April 2023: “I was so in love with him I thought I was going to die so.. I messaged him and offered something that I never thought I would do. I offered to be his mistress“.
By mid August: “After a lovely dinner with him, I had an epiphany. I can’t keep on living like this. I had no peace of mind. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about him cheating on me… I took the courage to leave him and had Sept 30 as my deadline“.
About Sept 23: “I broke up with him… I just couldn’t do it anymore“.
About Sept 23-Oct 13: “he kept on messaging me, wanting me back“.
Oct 13: “I met him again… and he cried. It was the first time I saw him cry. But I was firm and said that we can’t be together anymore“.
About Oct 27: “He insisted to come to my house and he came and we talked. And he wants to see me and get back together. We kept on communicating but not seeing each other“.
Late October: “I gave him an ultimatum by late October to early November that if he really wants me back, he has to break up with the woman and he has to make arrangements on how he will still see his kid. He said what I was asking is impossible“.
November 13, 2023: “was the last time I saw him. He still messages me from time to time, but I don’t entertain or rarely reply… I’m firm now with my decision that we will not get back together, like ever. But I’m finding it hard to move on“-
– First, congratulations for ending your relationship with him and remaining firm in your decision, good job!
“I have a lot of questions about my present and future though. 1. How do I forgive myself for being a mistress? I never imagined that I would enter an arrangement like this“- guilt, when it’s valid, has a purpose: to motivate the wrongdoer to correct the wrong behavior. You corrected your wrong behavior when you broke up with him and remained firm in your decision to not resume the relationship. The correction has been done: guilt has delivered its purpose. Further guilt is about you suffering for no purpose. Nothing positive can come out of your suffering: nothing positive for you or for anyone else.
“2. How do I ask forgiveness to the woman and the kid?“- tell her (the mother, not the kid) what you did wrong. I’d do it via email first and then meet her in-person if she wants that. I’d ask for her forgiveness and ask (or offer) what you can do to make amends for the wrong that you did.
“3. How do I remove the love I still feel for him?“- Don’t fight your feelings, reject or try to expel your feeling of love for him. Instead, accept it for what it is.
“4. How do I remove the hope in my heart and mind that we can have a normal, stable relationship?“- my answer is the same as above: accept the feeling of hope and.. live with it with as much peace of mind and heart as is possible for you.
“5. Will I find a man who will love me and accept me despite my past? When someday I meet a man and we’re serious to be together, I want to have no secrets with him so I’m planning to tell this story to him“- your experience with self-forgiveness will make you a better partner (a forgiving partner) to a future man because he too most likely has done wrong in his past and needs forgiveness.
“6. Will I ever recover and move on?“- I hope you do and I think that you can.
“Now that I’m free and single, I want to focus everything on myself. I want to give the love and care that I have for him to myself… I hope that once I find the love within myself, I’ll find the love I truly wanted – honest, respectful, trustworthy kind of love“- reads like an excellent goal, plan and state of mind.
“I’m posting it here because no one knows my situation. I have no friends or family who knows this side of me. I’m very alone in this process of moving on that’s why it’s a lot more difficult. Please understand and be kind to me. Thank you.“-
– You are welcome. You are no longer alone in your process of moving on: I am here (a real person behind these typed words) and will be glad to accompany you along your process, a process that you are courageously taking on!
In an hour or so, I will be away from the computer for the rest of the day, but whenever I am back and read a new post from you, I will gladly reply.
anita
December 15, 2023 at 10:17 am in reply to: Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please. #426106anitaParticipantDear Nala1234:
Welcome back! We communicated back in October 6-18, 2022. On Oct 8 last year I mentioned ROCD to you. A year and 2 months later (today), you asked if what you’re experiencing- with the same boyfriend- sounds like “ROCD or just anxiety?“. I will try to answer your question at the end of this post.
Back in October 2022, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “I feel a lot of built up guilt… I base a lot of my happiness on the happiness of others, especially my immediate family. If they are unhappy I blame myself… My upbringing never really taught me how to process sad or negative feelings. If there was a problem, I was taught to… always have my guard up… it has always made me think I can’t let anyone ever see me weak… I don’t question my parents love for me… (but) It is a depending love.. it makes me feel like, if I cannot help them then they will.. not like me.. It is how I am asked for things. It is always such a guilt trip and makes it nearly impossible to say no. Guilt trips are a bigggg thing in my family. They have been used my whole life“-
– Re-reading the above, I am noticing the following: (1) your anger (in the part I boldfaced) at the people in your immediate family who guilt tripped you so heavily and for so long. (2) your distrust in your parents’ love for you, suspecting that their love will not be there if you don’t submit to their guilt trips and do what they want you to do. (3) you grew up suppressing and repressing (pushing down) your negative emotions, guarding them from being expressed.
You shared today: “I get these horrible intrusive thoughts about my significant other… They always get triggered by some kind of small action that he makes. Things that should just pass by, feel like an explosion of emotions in my head and body. For example, we were leaving the store a couple days ago with just one item. As we finished checking out, he started to walk towards the exit without grabbing the one item, assuming I would grab it… I immediately felt this overwhelming sensation with negative thoughts like ‘he doesn’t take care of you.’ ‘how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love?’ ‘he is so inconsiderate. Only ever thinks about himself’ ‘what is wrong with him?’… ‘He always just assumes you’ll take care of everything’ These thoughts put me in panics. They make me question everything. Every move he makes, I try to analyze. The feeling that overcomes my body is so overwhelming… This happens every so often randomly and it makes me feel like I am losing my mind”-
– seems to me that when your significant other (I’ll refer to him as S) left the item for you to carry, your suppressed and repressed anger from your childhood erupted. The incident of S leaving the item for you to carry was a small incident, but your childhood pent up anger is HUGE, and your emotional reaction to the incident was proportional to the amount of your pushed-down anger at your parents for guilt tripping you and making their love for you conditional on you submitting to their guilt trips.
Him leaving the item for you to carry made you think of/ feel your parents leaving their happiness for you to carry (“If they are unhappy I blame myself“, Oct 2022).
The thoughts that crossed your mind during that incident regarding S: (1) “he doesn’t take care of you.“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: my parents don’t take care of me: they make me feel guilty and they won’t stop no matter how badly I feel! ‘
(2) “how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love?“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: how can my parents be so rude to me, a person they are supposed to love? (3) ‘he is so inconsiderate. Only ever thinks about himself‘”-… my parents are so inconsiderate of me, they only think about themselves, their unhappiness, their feelings, not mine!
(6) “He always just assumes you’ll take care of everything“- a thought that follows perhaps an earlier life thought such as: my parents assume and demand that I will take care of their feelings.. what about MY feelings?
As to your question: “Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety?“- my answer: it sounds like a mix of anger and anxiety.
“Need some insight/ advice“- it is very difficult for most (if not all) children and adult children to talk negatively about their parents, particularly when heavily guilt tripped as children, but it is necessary to do so when one’s parents’ behaviors were indeed significantly or severely negative, having created an emotional backlog of (understandable, valid) hurt, anger and fear inside you. Quality psychotherapy is the best place to do it, to talk and process these backlogged, pushed down intense feelings, so that their intensity lessens and lessens and you reach a place of peace within yourself.
What do you think of my reply, Nala1234?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Julia:
You shared (I am paraphrasing a bit, with quotes) that your childhood included lots of unprocessed trauma, verbal and emotional abuse. As a result, as a younger adult, you didn’t know who you were, didn’t know your boundaries, and made bad choices in relationships, such as to “flee at the first sign of trouble in any kind of relationship” because of fear of abandonment.
About four years ago (2019), you started to work on your trauma, embarking on “a personal growth journey… changing and growing so much“. You ended toxic friendships, learned to set boundaries, to communicate you needs and to advocate for yourself. Initially you set too many boundaries, which shut a lot of people out, but you corrected and “found a happy middle ground“.
You made new friends and dated, but not yet adequately settled into the new you, not being ready, “nothing really grew into anything close… no relationship turned into something deeper”. Currently- in this holiday season- feeling more settled into the new-you, you put yourself out there, but find yourself “really lonely and lost“.
You asked: “Anyone have any advice on how to move forward?“- first, congratulations for the first four years of your personal growth journey, a journey of learning and transforming yourself to the New Julia!
The journey needs to not end but continue with new learnings and adjustments to new learnings that will bring about healthy, deep friendships/ relationship into your life. New learnings must not undo past learnings that are part of your personal growth journey, but instead, expand on past learnings.
I don’t know what new learnings need to take place (and there will always more to learn), so I will be using a few quotes from a book I never read, The Untethered Soul, quotes I find very meaningful, so to suggest possibilities. I hope to read from you next about what may apply to you and in what ways. (I will be adding the boldface feature to the following):
“The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on earth to suffer”.
“The alternative is to decide not to fight with life. You realize and accept that life is not under your control. Life is continuously changing, and if you’re trying to control it, you’ll never be able to fully live it. Instead of living life, you’ll be afraid of it”.
“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life”.
“Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside”.
“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left”.
“In truth, pain is the price of freedom. And the moment you are willing to pay that price, you will no longer be afraid. The moment you are not afraid of the pain, you’ll be able to face all of life’s situations without fear”.
“One of the most important areas requiring change is how we solve our personal problems. We normally attempt to solve our inner disturbances by protecting ourselves. Real transformation begins when you embrace your problems as agents of growth“.
“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy… Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release… You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation… As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”. (quotes from The Untethered Soul).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Julia:
“Now I feel like I am more settled into the new me“- can you tell me about the new you? I would like to read about the New You. If you tell me, I will reply kindly, Fri morning (in about 12 hours from now).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Priyan:
“She is a self proclaimed empath and a spiritual person. She believes in past lives, reincarnation… last night, she said that she wanted to end it because she goes into a depressed state after we have sex…. According to her this is a sign from the universe that my ‘soul’ is not good for her ‘soul’. She also claimed that I drain all her energy when I am with her and called me an ‘energy vampire’. Now what I don’t understand is, how can I be bad for her soul when I only have respect and love for her? I have never had any ill intentions towards her at all. When I asked her this question, she said that I am a good person but my soul is doing it subconsciously”-
– So, what she is saying that it is not Priyan in his current incarnation (as Priyan) who is an “energy vampire” who is draining her energy and making her depressed every time after she has sex with you, but it is your previous incarnations (as other people who lived and died before you) who are doing this to her. This means that you (Priyan) having love and respect for her and no ill intentions is not relevant, because it’s about people who lived and died before you were born.
“It hurts a lot because she made me the bad guy here”- correction: the guys before you were born.
“On top of being hurt, I am losing my mind trying to figure out if there was any truth to what she said. How am I even supposed to make sense of her reasons, let alone move on?“-
– You can’t argue against her faith-based, never to be proven or disproven current understanding of things. Looking at the title of your thread, “Was I led on or was it all my imagination?“- seems to me that she is led by her own imagination, at this point, and it’s better for you to not take a further ride in her imagination journey.. or episode.
How do you feel about my reply?
anita
December 14, 2023 at 12:15 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426073anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I have thought a lot about hatch in this breakup and definitely do not want to have empathy for her mountain lion (let’s say shark)“- being that you are a sea turtle, it is definitely more appropriate to take my imagery of the mountain lion & deer) underwater.
A bit of preparatory research, from ocean faun. com: “Sharks typically look at anything smaller than themselves as a potential food source. So, if sea turtles are smaller, sharks will eat them… In particular, hatchling and juvenile sea turtles are more vulnerable to shark predation than adult ones due to their smaller size and lack of experience in avoiding predators. However, smaller sharks don’t take sea turtles as prey since they can’t overpower the larger sea turtles. Great white, tiger, hammerhead, and bull sharks are some of the more common shark species that feed on sea turtles… Sharks can break the shell of sea turtles in certain cases. Sharks have incredibly strong jaws and sharp teeth, which allow them to crush and tear through most things that it encounters, including the protective shells of sea turtles. While turtle shells are generally tough enough to protect them from most predators, there are some instances when a particularly powerful shark can break the shell, potentially leading to the death of the turtle. This typically occurs when the shark bites with enough force and pressure at a weak point on the shell, such as near its neck or tail. The shark can then use its powerful jaws to break through the hard outer layer of a turtle’s carapace and get inside, where it can feed on the tender flesh beneath. It’s also possible that if a shark has a large enough body size relative to the turtle, it could simply crush it using brute force alone… The natural behavior of sea turtles does not involve attacking anything or defending themselves against potential threats with force or aggression. Rather, sea turtles prefer to flee from danger by swimming away at full speed using their strong flippers and long tails. While this technique is usually successful in avoiding predators such as sharks, there are some instances where a shark may be too fast for a turtle to outswim it”.
Okay, so the imagery change: You are a sea turtle and N is a shark. Your best defense is to swim away from him as fast as you can (No Contact). If the sea turtle has empathy for the shark, that very empathy will slow it down or make it stop its fleeing altogether, ending with the sea turtle being prey.
Back to your yesterday post: “It is hurtful when someone defends a shark in your life, because it invalidates you and I don’t want to do this to myself. So I am open to evaluating my shark now. This creature has always been an interesting but very frightening creature for me… They eat Seaturtles, part of my evidence into believing I am a reincarnated sea turtle. I do not believe this so strongly, it is more of a little feeling that could be true, but who knows what really is true when these matters come to the surface. Anyways, is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?“-
– No, just keep No Contact with the shark. Think of some people as predators because.. many people are, unfortunately, and in so many ways. When dealing with a Predator, your first priority should be- must be (if you are to survive) to not be Prey.
“Do you think he knows he was manipulating?“- yes, he knows. But he doesn’t know-know, meaning he doesn’t think deeply about it, just as he doesn’t think deeply about anything that he doesn’t find it necessary to think about. Unlike you, he is not curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it.
“When I would sense this lack of love or respect, I would bring it up to him and he would act as though I offended him. ‘How could you not feel loved after..’ listing things like coming to see my family, being there when I cry etc. I would then get confused and think I was just ungrateful. I would mention the respect, and he would say ‘you think I would stay with someone I didn’t respect?’“-
– he doesn’t give any thought to your questions and concerns, instead he throws them back at you. He is about deflecting, accusing, denying, guilt-tripping, gaslighting.. He is about Winning, no matter the cost. He is not about growing, gaining wisdom, and understanding life and the meaning of it.
“This makes me relieved that this lack of feeling sad/upset is revealing of some positive change inside me. I hope to get better at seeing the positive changes as a result of the work I have done and am doing.“-I am glad. Please do keep your crown chakra open and your light bright, and you will enjoy a rare clarity about “the difference between gut and fear in relationships“!
anita
December 14, 2023 at 11:08 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426071anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I want to start today’s post with the link you provided some time ago about auras, it says (I am adding the boldface feature):
“When someone references an ‘aura,’ they’re talking about the unseen spiritual energy field that surrounds all living things. ‘Anything alive has an aura,’… Energetically speaking, white is thought to be a very high vibrational color, relating to pure light… White is the rarest of all aura colors and indicates purity, integrity and a high level of spirituality.’ Because it’s associated with the crown chakra, it also relates to universal energy and oneness…
“Generally speaking, white auras will appear bright and glowing… associated with innocence, generosity, altruism, wisdom, as resistance to corruption… If one’s aura is bright white, this indicates their crown chakra is open—hence why this aura is so rare; not everyone gets around to unblocking their crown chakra in their lifetime…. They search for meaning, purpose, and connection…
“These folks can still face their own set of challenges. Their purity, for example, can sometimes result in naiveté… ‘Because they always wish to see the good… they may sometimes be naive to other people’s true intentions.. People may take advantage of them through manipulation or dishonesty…
“People with white auras love deep conversations and would rather avoid the small talk. ‘This is because they are always curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it better… If the white appears dark or murky, this could indicate ‘naiveté, judgment, self-sacrifice to the extent of self-harm, and allowing others to deceive or manipulate them in the hopes of finding greater good,'”.
And now, to your three posts from yesterday (the italicized are quotes of what you wrote, and the boldfaced- quotes from the online link above):
“Trying to fit the mold so that you will receive genuine affection, and the mold = hatch’s cage“- Trying to fit a manipulator’s mold/ N’s mold, in the hopes of finding greater good, which would be the kind of love that indicates purity, integrity and a high level of spirituality, something that N is not capable of.
“Part of the damage, I believe, in our gaslighter and gaslightee dynamic, is that it made me question my feelings a lot… it has also shaken my confidence about my feelings“- N re-introduced (F was the original introducer) the dark or murky into your white aura, having been in the position to deceive or manipulate you, replacing your gut (feelings true to reality) with fear.
“When M made that insensitive comment, and it hurt my feelings, I suddenly felt weak“- M participated in the introduction of the dark or murky into your white aura. There are plenty of people who do that.
“How do I begin to gain some self confidence in my intuition and feelings, do I need some tougher skin?“- the answer is not to close the crown chakra because of fear, but to open it even more and shine brighter.
I think that a quote from the book you mentioned earlier, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself explains how to open your heart and crown chakra when experiencing fear/ pain:
“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eye of your consciousness. Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place where it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation. But you will not want to do this. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this, and that’s what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”.
“N’s last words ‘So you’re breaking up with me cause I wasn’t delicate enough with you?’ Am I too delicate? weak“- N is weak, too weak to open his heart and mind (his heart and crown chakras). You are strong because you are keeping your heart and crown chakras open and vibrating.
“Why are my feelings hurt easily and how do I become stronger, but at the same time not deny what is true?“- aim at not taking other people’s (N’s, M’s) hurtful or insensitive words as The truth. N, for example, is not about strength, but about appearances of strength. If you see this statement as true, you will see his claims about strength and about your alleged weakness- as false.
“When I feel more invincible, after yoga, or just certain times of the month when estrogen sores, I feel less affected by others, but there are inevitably times I feel more sensitive, but just avoiding people doesn’t seem like the correct answer, often my temptation“- go to the quote above from The Untethered Soul.
“My family reminds me I am strong, but I also think I have some self esteem work to do. I don’t want to need others, I am not sure how much I am suppose to need others, because I don’t want to be the type of person that says ‘I don’t need anybody’ but I also definitely don’t want to be the opposite. this is a balance I struggle with, leaning more on the side of wanting others to be there for me, but am often disappointed“- we all “people who need people” like the song People says. It’s just that like the link says above: “this aura is so rare; not everyone gets around to unblocking their crown chakra in their lifetime”, so there’re lots of disappointments.. unless you have realistic expectations of people.
“You know what this makes me think, as an empath in a relationship with N, I must have taken on his stress for a long time… I wonder what the book would write about once an empath escapes someone who put a lot onto them.. thoughts?“- I think that the book would say that it is a very good thing when an empath escapes a gaslighter.
Here is what you wrote on Oct 23 about that bad experience: “When I lived with my partner and my triggers were being pushed at a faster rate than I could heal, I was exhausted all the time. It lead me to calling out of work a lot, I would spend my actual time off with my partner, then I would call out when he wasn’t home so I could have some alone time… my paycheck decreased significantly and eventually I was fired“. The experience has cost you a job and an income.
Back to your yesterday post, a month and 3 weeks later, here is the word exhausting again: “With N or other people unable to be authentic, you have to spell it out for them, which is exhausting, but then, half of those times you spell it out they still do not understand, it can be so frustrating and exhausting“. N has been draining and exhausting your auras.
“I need more confidence in my instincts because wow was I manipulated, this is very validating, that there is a difference between explaining and denying. There were many times when he would accuse my intentions behind an action and I would try to explain to him my true thinking, but he would call my explanations excuses”- he denied your true thinking and in so doing, put the murky in your white aura through manipulation or dishonesty.
“I would then reply, ‘no I just want you to understand me and why I do things’ then he would say I had double standards because he was not allowed to explain (which was really denying) and I was allowed to explain (true explanations of why)“-
– he did not even think about or consider the content of what you said. What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect blame/to deny anything at all that you say that is not convenient for him to hear, not even knowing what it is that he is denying. Unlike you, he is not curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it better“. Instead, he operates by what you termed in the next quote, emotional instincts.
“It is sad. I wish I could fix him, help him to learn to take responsibility and see others pain. See the weight of words, and emotional instincts so that he could one day experience a soulmate“- it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be allowing him to destroy you.
“This is a feeling I want to express, maybe in a painting.. poem or song. The feeling of loving someone with a mask on and trying so desperately to take it off so he would see me. The feeling of feeling frozen when I suddenly see the mask, not knowing how to speak it’s language. Feeling relieved it is gone, confused how I didn’t see it for so long, sad that I am not sad.. I want to be sad, instead I feel ‘nothing with a dose of loneliness’, a good title haha.“- very well said, inspirational!
The language of the mask, of N’s mask in this case is: you (Seaturtle) are not there! Or said in other words: Hatchling, I do not want to see you or hear you: go to your cage!
“When you mentioned breaking up for the first time, I remember feeling relief“- as in the murky (confusion/ exhaustion) gone from the white light.. the spiritual energy freed from its cage, allowing for clarity and life energy?
“When I would try to guide our conversation to a more spiritual place, often his responses would be about something I was not necessarily talking about. Whereas when I talk to others they can follow me there, like M or even other acquaintances. I would instead feel sort of frozen with N as he redirected me and I was pulled out of my meditative conversational state“- like I wrote above (before reading this part), “he did not even think about or consider the content of what you said. What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you.
Because of the length of this post, I will continue my reply in a new post.
anita
December 13, 2023 at 3:39 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #426058anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I will reply Thurs morning, but for now: is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?”- I misspoke when I suggested to reevaluate N: I didn’t mean to evaluate him further. I meant to let the re-evaluation already done sink in. The past evaluation was that he was a stand up guy and an emotionally supportive boyfriend. The re-evaluation is that he has been a dishonestly manipulative boyfriend, a gaslighter. More tomorrow.
anita
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