Dear Seaturtle:

Congratulations on your new-year-new-job. Reply when it’s convenient for you!

anita

Dear Ben:

I’ll reply more tomorrow morning (it’s Tues 5:35 pm here, U.S.), but for now:

“A long tirade ahaha“- actually, it was a pleasure (!) to read your post: you are an excellent writer in a literary sense, says I, plus your writing is so honest, so genuine, that it makes me feel affection for you. It makes me smile. I can understand why he likes and loves you.

“I paid for his flight…  I feel foolish for doing so“- I think that it’s fine, not foolish, that you paid for his flight, given that he can’t pay for it.

“… He’ll be here 6 weeks… my OCD tendencies and anxiety have ganged up on me a.. it’s a wonderful party going on inside my amygdala“- the brain, particularly the amygdala, has its own habits, chemical mostly, and anxiety, OCD tendencies and such are mental habits. Like any habit, it takes effort and a plan to change.

Mindfulness is a part of modern psychotherapy that’s about changing mental habits. When I attended therapy, my daily homework was to listen to one of Mark William’s audio guided meditations. He was (maybe still is) a professor in Oxford and an expert on Mindfulness. I think that you can listen to a few of his recorded mindfulness meditations online free of charge. Listening to an audio first thing in the morning and/ or last thing at night, and anytime in between- is one way to slow down the brain, to calm it. Over time.. together with other Mindfulness Practices, you will be surprised by how well it works!

Back to you tomorrow!

anita

Dear Lou92:

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words.

You are in a difficult situation and I feel sad that you are in this situation. I spent a few hours this morning (I am not focused though, quiet tired) trying to understand. It seems to me that while the two of you have been suffering for a long time, he has done nothing to help you, while you have done everything in your power to help him. When you tried to help yourself  (he wouldn’t), his response was to not help you.

In cartoons and certain movies, the bad character appears bad all the time, evil intents, always doing wrong and enjoying it. In real-life bad people are suffering, they often look sad or pathetic, and you feel sorry for them. What’s a bad person? My definition: one who repeatedly- over a long time- hurts another, sees that the person they hurt is indeed hurting, and yet, he/ she makes no real effort to stop hurting the one they are hurting, and to try to help them instead.

For about 5-6 years, when you thought of your relationship as solid (“The first 5/6 years of our relationship were powerful and solid”), this is what happened: “I have always been the one quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what… I have approached him in the past with issues that needed addressing, but they were few and far between really. And yes he did still withdraw when this happened“.

At first, when you spoke up and he withdrew, at times you raised your voice, and an argument followed. As  result, you regulated/ quieted down your voice: “because I hadn’t learnt how to regulate my own emotions, I would get frustrated with the stonewalling, and would raise my voice and then it would turn into an argument whereas now it doesn’t because I don’t lose my temper from it“.

When you voiced your feelings, however gently, telling him it’s not him, taking full responsibility for your feelings and going out of your way to see to it that you are not blaming him, and asking for his help, this is what happened:

“If I ever approach him with the fact I am feeling insecure and would like a bit more reassurance and love, he takes this an attack on him and emotionally shuts down… That night, before he took the dog for a walk, I had that conversation with him where I was crying, and I told him it’s not him, these are MY issues, but because I have these issues I just need some more affection from him to help me through this. He emotionally shut down, said he was going to take the dog for a walk to clear his head, and then didn’t come back… It does feel though that now I am starting to be affected by everything, and I have chosen to communicate this with him, it has caused him to withdraw. But then I can’t win because I can either openly communicate and have him withdraw, or I can keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence“.

You wrote in your post today: “Since this all came out, I’ve not been able to speak MY truth once about it.  It’s like he cannot deal with whatever I will say, so I am effectively suffering in silence.  As you said, I am walking on eggshells. Due to his depression and the severity of it, I am quite literally trying to ‘let go’ of how I FEEL about the whole thing, and push it to one side, so that he can focus on getting himself better”.

His withdrawing/ shutting down/ stonewalling behaviors are emotionally manipulative. Emotional manipulation is not always negative. For example, when a parent rewards a child for positive social behavior, that’s emotional manipulation, but it’s manipulation with a very positive value attached to it. Another example: when an adult thanks another adult for a good deed, part of the thank-you may be about encouraging the individual to continue to do good deeds for people in general, making the world a better place for it. Positive emotional manipulation Helps the manipulated and society at large.

Negative emotional manipulation has a negative value to it: it Hurts the manipulated and long-term, it hurts society at large. Therefore, it’s emotionally abusive. It is not something that is only done by calmly deceitful individuals, like financial scammers who thought through, planned and then calmly execute their manipulation, and if successful, their benefit is concrete.  Negative emotional manipulation is often done by anxious and depressed people. It’s often more instinctual than thoughtful-and-preplanned, and when successful, the benefit is short term.

When any manipulation, positive or negative, leads to a desired outcome for the manipulator, it’s done again and again, instinctually/ automatically, if not in a planned way.

Your husband’s desired outcome seems to be: you being “quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what“, and if you happen to suffer, that you suffer in silence. Currently, his desired outcome has been achieved: “Since this all came out… I am effectively suffering in silence” (Jan 2, 2024).

You interpret his behavior this way: “If I ever approach him with the fact I am feeling insecure.. he takes this an attack on him and emotionally shuts down, being completely incapable of saying anything whatsoever” (original post, Dec 19).  It is possible though, that his intent- while feeling attacked- is to attack you back, that he feels angry and his way to hurt you/ punish you is to stonewall you. It is possible that he is capable of talking to you, but angry, he chooses not to.

Perhaps if he cared enough about you suffering, he would be capable of addressing difficult topics.

In your recent post, you wrote: “It’s like he cannot deal with whatever I will say, so I am effectively suffering in silence.. I am quite literally trying to ‘let go’ of how I FEEL“- What if he can deal with what you have to say, but appearing like he cannot deal with it, achieves his desired outcome: not dealing with it.

cleaveland clinic. org (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent… Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further…  stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression… In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person”.

simply psychology. org: “Stonewalling involves withdrawing from communication and deliberately avoiding providing any information, feedback, or emotional response, effectively shutting down a conversation or interaction. This can include completely ignoring another person, physically turning away from someone, and/ or engaging in another activity to avoid interaction… if stonewalling becomes a recurring pattern, it can be a predictor of divorce. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, psychological distress, and relationship dissatisfaction…

“Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior, and it often falls under the passive-aggressive category. It involves entirely shutting down emotionally during conflicts or difficult discussions, leaving the other person feeling unheard, invalidated, and worthless.”

Like I wrote at the start of this post, I am particularly tired this morning, but I hope that I made some sense in this post, did I?

anita

Dear Jade:

I re-read your previous posts of 2019. Firstly, “I’m deciding to change careers and become a teacher” (May 22, 2019)=> “I tried to channel that negative energy into becoming a teacher and feel really proud about that..  All I have done since then is work” (Dec 30, 2023):

C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for becoming a teacher and working as a teacher!

Secondly, in your 2nd post here, Dec 30, 2023, you shared that you (35) are living with your mother and her husband: “Since living with them I have cooked and cleaned every day for 7 months. Alongside working 10+ hours a day and commuting for 2 hours a day. One of the reasons moved is because my mum needed some help because her husband was having a heart operation. She has had a really difficult year“-

– you’ve experienced a painful mix of empathy and guilt in regard to your mother since you were a young girl: “I remember feeling a lot of guilt from my childhood. From early as I can remember. I think I felt guilty that I put such a burden on my mum financially and she was always so tired from working all of the time” (May 2019).

No wonder that 7 months ago, you moved in with her so to help her. I imagine that it’s the same mix of empathy and guilt that motivated you to move in with her, and cook and clean for her and her husband every day for seven months. And I imagine that you were still hoping that she will love you if you help her enough…?

You shared about your mother back in May 2019: “She was a really young mum and struggled a bit financially, she was also always looking for love so a lot of different parental figures came into my life and then left… I feel that she was always looking for love from other people instead of getting it from me“-

– this is unfortunately the experience of many children who grow up with young, single or divorced mothers. The young mother- in her mind, heart and conduct- is a young single woman first. Her focus and priority is finding love elsewhere, outside the home, and then bringing her love interests, one by one, into the home,  leaving her child unprioritized and unloved.

The consequences: the child feels responsible aka guilty for not being enough for the mother, suffering from guilt, shame (“Shame is the biggest“, May 2019), chronic anxiety and depression (“I have been struggling with depression and anxiety now for about 25 years. I’m now 35″), and the dysfunctional romantic relationships and loneliness that accompany these sufferings.

On May 29, 2019, you asked for relief and help: “seeking relief from symptoms of anxiety and depression,  help with coping and forming healthy relationships. Just looking for general help with not being able to cope with life!?”

On Dec 29, 2023, you wrote and asked: “I am so unhappy and feel as if I am pushing everyone away so it will only get worse. I am also unsure as to whether this is all me or whether my feelings are truly valid and the people in my life have truly intentionally hurt me. Why am I not happy?“-

– I believe I answered the Why  in this post, but what can you do about it, what kind of help do you need and where can you get it?

I’ll try to answer these questions by first suggesting where help is NOT available for you: your mother, her husband, and other family members whom your mother turned against you (“I have found out today that she has told all my family members about her side of the argument”).

I’d say that it’s not only that Help is not available to you with these people, particularly your mother, but more Hurt is available for you there. This is why I suggested two days ago that you move out of your mother’s home.

As a famous song says, we are people who need people, so your help is in connecting with people who will help you, not people who will hurt you more. Evaluating people you meet as likely-to-hurt you vs people who are likely-to help-you, and then reevaluating them along the way, is key.

Psychotherapists/ counselors are trained to help, but not all help. Again, evaluating a therapist and then reevaluating the person/ professional is key.

Also, understand how difficult it is to heal from long-term childhood trauma, and adapt an attitude of patience with the process of healing, and gentleness with the person courageously going through this process.

This process is not new to you. When you get back on the healing path, persist, endure and stay on it not only an times of progress, but an times of regression and despair as well. The emotional  healing process is never linear, as in experiencing nothing but progress.

Are you familiar with the term and diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD)?

anita

It’s Sun Dec 31, 2023. 7:40 pm here, 8:40 pm where you’re at,  Happy 2024 New Year to you, Seaturtle !

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome. “I worry about being a toxic person so much that I think I completely take myself out of the equation when it comes to what I should have or be entitled to”-

– my mother was a toxic person in my life if I define toxic people according to psychology today as people who are “self-centered, manipulative, abusive and lacking in empathy”, and people who “drain others’ energy by constantly demanding attention, sympathy, or validation”, and people who “disrespect emotional and physical boundaries”.

You, Stacy, are definitely not self-centered, manipulative, abusive, and lacking empathy, nor are you disrespectful of others’ emotional and physical boundaries. You fit only the part of the definition in regard to repeatedly asking for validation that you are physically desirable by bringing up the topic, complaining about him liking photos online, etc.,  which is energy draining on the part of the romantic partner; unpleasant, but I wouldn’t say abusive. So, as far as I understand, you do not fit the category of toxic people.

“In counseling, I learned to focus so much on what I was possibly doing to project onto others that it has since made me feel like all of my feelings are invalid“- All your feelings are valid. Some of your feelings indicate the reality of your childhood but not the reality of your adulthood. Often, a child who is really rejected by a critical parent grows up into an adult who assumes (projects) that others are also rejecting him or her when it’s not the case.

Everyone- every single person- projects. For example, when you see someone crying, you connect in your mind, crying and feeling sad, because that’s your experience, and you project this personal experience into the crying person, believing that he or she is sad. This projection would be an accurate projection in most cases because in humans, sadness and crying are instinctually connected. But, if the crying person only pretends to cry, this projection, that he/ she feels sadness, would be an inaccurate projection.

“I’ve learned that everything I’m jealous over is a chip on my shoulder, everything I’m hurt or paranoid over is an insecurity. And then exes and family and friends reinforced the idea that I was indeed just always projecting and being too sensitive and overblowing situations so now I just feel like my perspective really doesn’t even matter“-

– To have a chip on one’s shoulders means “to have an angry or unpleasant attitude or way of behaving caused by a belief that one has been treated unfairly in the past” (online dictionary). In your personal life you really were (and still) treated unfairly by some people in your family of origin, and therefore your anger is natural and understandable. When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment. It is sad when your perspective really doesn’t even matter in your own home.

On the other hand, when you inaccurately project being mistreated by others, for example, taking it personally that he liked bikini photos,  as if those likes indicate that he feels that you are not attractive, and expressing that he was a bad, guilty person for liking those photos, that’s having a chip on your shoulders, I suppose.

“I just don’t know at what point my expectations are warranted and at what point they are irrational and unfair to put on others. I hate my boyfriend lusting at other women. I hate it so much because it’s happened to me in every relationship. Does that mean I can set that boundary?”-

– this hate is a projection of early life VALID anger. If your view of your adult life situations was free from this projection, life would be easier for you and you would know what boundaries are appropriate to set.

“it’s interesting you mentioned this because I was reading something the other day about this and how it can happen during a relationship and after a breakup. Some people refer to the deep longing after a sudden and unexpected as dark limerence – where the memories and rumination keeps you in this dark place you can’t get out of but you hold onto it because it’s all you have left of that person“- or more accurately all you have left of his best moments in the relationship, or all that you have left of an overall fantasy of him.

“I knew this day was gonna be especially hard for me so I volunteered to work all day to try to distract myself from the pain”- how are you this New Year Eve, Stacy?

anita

Dear Seaturtle: I want to read and reply to you first thing Sunday morning. Good night, Seaturtle (smiley, tired face emoji).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am so glad to receive your post! I read through it but will need to re-read and reply later.

anita