Dear Abde:

“Any thoughts or suggestions on how do I close this?“- I’d close it with lessons learned: (1) to not pursue a relationship with a woman for as long as you are still living with another woman (your wife), (2) when in a dating/ matrimonial site, once you are no longer living with your wife, register the truth about your marital status, ex., separated, not yet divorced.

“Is there a semblance of a chance to get back once she knows that I have divorced?“- I think so, particularly if she is considering moving to the U.S. You living in the U.S., being a legal resident or citizen, having a good-paying job: that would be a big attraction for lots of women in other countries who are interested in moving to the U.S. And an honest woman who has this interest should be upfront about it. It doesn’t (and shouldn’t) mean that this is all of her interest in you. There ought to be a meeting of the minds between you and the woman you will be dating: shared values, honesty, trust, respect, consistency of behavior.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“I don’t know under what context you sent the last message“- I was afraid that my post about anger (June 14) triggered and upset you (similar to when I sent you quotes), and I felt badly about it, wishing I knew how to be helpful to you instead.

“Thank you for your thread above on repressed anger. Can I take my time to read it? Maybe after 20th when my exams get over?“- of course, and you are welcome. Thank you for being as kind and gracious as you are.

“thank you for your empathy, Anita… “- you are welcome and thank you for your empathy: for caring to let me know that I have been helpful to you.

“I saw your message when I got up today and coincidentally, I had breakdowns last night, I am feeling that something is not right, something is not okay“- that feeling that something is not right is in the core of OCD, and almost anything- if not anything- can trigger this something is not right feeling.

OCD is not really a thinking problem but a feeling problem: it’s not about the content of thoughts but about how we feel about the thoughts. Without OCD, a person can dismiss a thought that one considers weird or illogical, but with OCD, a person gets stuck on the thought, feeling disturbed over it for a long time.

I wish you can find a way to no longer feel distressed about illogical, inconsequential thoughts: just observe the thought and let it pass, not getting caught in and entangled in it.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

oceanic society. org: “Sea turtles are often compared to dinosaurs due to their scaly, reptilian appearance. In fact, sea turtles were around at the same time as dinosaurs! That’s right, sea turtles as we know them today evolved 110 million years ago and have changed very little in the years since. This means that they not only coexisted with dinosaurs for around 45 million years, but they also outlived them, surviving the mass extinction event that took place approximately 65 million years ago…

“Sea turtles take an extremely long time to grow from a hatchling into a reproductive adult. Depending on the species, a female sea turtle can take between 10 and 30+ years to lay her first eggs“- and the Sea Turtle OP of this thread is 25-years-old, still has time before laying her first eggs..?

“When sea turtles hatch from their nests, it’s thought that they learn their location using the Earth’s magnetic field, a phenomenon known as geomagnetic imprinting. Even after as many as 30 years, when a sea turtle hatchling becomes a mature adult, it remembers the location from which it was born, like an address. The turtle will then be able to navigate thousands of miles back to the same beach (or nearby beach) to lay its eggs“- thinking about you, Sea Turtle.

anita

Lisa feels Alone, but she is not alone feeling-Alone: there are others out there feeling utterly alone. I felt Alone for the longest time. I am not Alone Anymore.

anita

Dear Flow28: I didn’t do a good job in my first reply. I’ll try again:

I can see how hurt you are. The shock and disappointment: from “I was sure we were together” to him saying: “we’re not together yet“, his preference to go to a long trip without you, and now, he’s seeing someone else. All this left you hurt, sad, angry, doubting if he was not into you, or if you scared him off.

It is hard to analyze his words (those you quoted) without seeing the context: the whole conversation, what led to it, etc.

Seems like you were more interested in him than he was in you, and so, the (unofficial) relationship had a power imbalance: you were in the weak position, the one chasing him to take you with him on the long trip, the one pressuring him to make the relationship official (the ultimatum), the one hanging on his words.

And seems to me that he has some problems that preceded you and more likely than not, there would have been a breakup even if you behaved.. perfectly. After all, most relationships, particularly those starting online, don’t last long.

I am sorry that you are hurting and I hope that you will learn what you can learn from the experience and that you feel better soon. Learning often makes me feel better. i hope to read from you again.

anita

Dear Raising Again:

“Few of my ex-colleagues…  are quick and good in their work… I feel bad about myself for not able to complete my work on time and doing my work with little progress only… My Friend says it ok for the little progress, as she has long term plan for me. I just feel struck with myself… Please help.“-

– you say that you have kids. Let’s say one of your kids starts school in Jan instead of Sept the year before. Her classroom  peers are advanced in their studies and your kid is a beginner. Where would your focus be, as a mother: on how well her peers are doing and how less your kid is doing in comparison, or on the progress your kid is making every day (however small)?

anita

Dear Zenith:

Hush that voice, lower its volume, literally utter hushhh shhhhhhhh, kind of suffocate its voice under the hushing.

anita