I am looking forward to read and reply to you tomorrow morning.

Anita

Dear PeKaMi39:

I appreciate you sharing your experience—your insight and self-awareness are truly powerful. The way you describe your journey, from past toxic relationships to finally finding safety but struggling with intrusive doubts, shows how deeply trauma can shape the way we experience love. It makes sense that now that you’ve found a secure relationship, your mind is reacting with fear instead of letting you settle into happiness.

When someone has experienced toxic relationships and abandonment, they often unconsciously associate love with emotional extremes. A stable, secure relationship contradicts what they’re used to, making it feel unfamiliar and even unsettling. The brain equates intensity—emotional highs and dopamine bursts—with love, reinforcing the idea that love must feel dramatic and overwhelming. When a relationship lacks those extreme emotional swings, it can trigger doubts about whether the love is real.

Once someone finally feels safe, their mind shifts from survival mode to processing past wounds. Suppressed fears—like being abandoned or not being “good enough”—can surface even when there’s no actual threat. In chaotic relationships, the mind prioritizes reacting rather than reflecting. But in a secure environment, old wounds have space to emerge, leading to anxieties like “What if I’m abandoned?” or “What if I’m not enough?”

When love has always been tied to unpredictability, steady and predictable affection might seem strange, even suspicious. Stability can be mistaken for boredom simply because the brain is conditioned to equate emotional extremes with passion.

Essentially, when survival mode switches off, past emotional wounds rush in, sometimes causing anxiety or disconnection—even in the healthiest relationships. Learning to trust stability instead of fearing it takes time, but recognizing this pattern is a huge step forward.

Your reaction, PeKaMi39, isn’t a sign that you don’t love your partner—it’s a sign that your brain is adjusting to stability after years of associating love with chaos. Your awareness and willingness to work through this show how much you value your relationship and yourself. You deserve steady, safe love, and the work you’re doing is proof of that.

While I haven’t experienced ROCD specifically, I have struggled with OCD, and I understand how exhausting obsessive rumination and intrusive fears can be. The way our minds fixate on doubt, convincing us our feelings aren’t valid, is frustrating and draining. The fact that you recognize this and are learning to trust despite the uncertainty is truly inspiring.

Thank you for sharing your journey and offering resources—it’s helpful to hear from people who genuinely understand these struggles. Wishing you continued strength as you navigate this process, and I hope you keep finding moments of trust and peace.

anita

Dear Bella:

As I read your post for the first time this morning, I’ll take this approach: I’ll read a sentence or a few at a time, respond to them, then move on to the next set—without knowing what comes next in your post. I’m guessing this will end up being a long response, and I hope you take your time with it.

“I honestly have been putting this off for a really long time dealing with family dynamics.” – We tend to put off things that make us anxious or uncomfortable.

“I just don’t know where to start and how to address them all.” – You’ve been dealing with a lot of family dynamics for a long time, and it makes sense that untangling them feels overwhelming.

“For context – My aunt and my mom has been my go-to family for most of my life. They both come from extreme traumatic life experiences — they’ve witnessed their mom take her life… their toxic past keeps showing up in ways that now I am trying to make sense of it all.”-

It’s interesting that you said, “My aunt and my mom has been,” instead of “have been.” Maybe it’s just a typo, but it could also suggest you see them as one unit rather than two separate people.

There’s no doubt that witnessing their mother take her life was deeply traumatic.

“I hear it from everyone… They both have found a way to move on with their lives choosing lifestyles like keeping themselves overly occupied, having 12-14 hours… they are constantly exhausted but won’t give up when their body’s trying to indicate ‘STOP & REST’.”-

“They both” – Again, this makes it sound like they are almost the same person. I wonder how they interact with each other—whether they are each other’s best friend—but I’m guessing they aren’t emotionally open with one another.

It seems like they’ve built a habit of staying constantly busy. For them, stopping to rest might feel uncomfortable, even scary.

“2 days ago, I invited them over to my place… my aunt looked very upset… What I don’t understand is, why would she not choose to come have a word with me… and shared and explored options.”-

Your aunt tends to hold in her emotions for a long time before finally expressing them in indirect ways. She never learned to communicate her thoughts and feelings clearly and directly. Some people grow up in environments where expressing emotions is discouraged, leading them to suppress their feelings instead.

When a child’s emotions are regularly dismissed, ignored, or minimized, they may come to believe that expressing themselves is pointless or unwelcome. In a chaotic home, keeping emotions inside can feel safer than adding to the existing tension. If a child’s parents struggle with emotional expression, the child doesn’t have the opportunity to learn healthy communication skills.

“Fast forward, she has since been getting mad over trivial issues and going off at me… she is an enabler to many things that my aunt (her sister) does because it is easy and less chaotic / toxic.”-

It seems like your mother avoids confronting her sister because she doesn’t want to deal with conflict or emotional tension. She enables her sister’s behavior because it keeps things smoother in the short term.

This kind of dynamic often happens when one person has a strong or overpowering personality (your aunt?), and others choose to keep the peace rather than challenge them. Your mother may find it easier to go along with things rather than stand up to her sister.

“I have just given up hope in making them understand how toxic it is to be around them, let alone have deep discussions addressing the past and acknowledging that what was experienced is unfair but is necessary to deal with and embrace that, otherwise it will continue to show up in many ways that is regretful.”-

Facing painful memories can be overwhelming, so they might choose to ignore them rather than work through their emotions. Since they’ve spent years suppressing their feelings, it probably feels unnatural—or even impossible—to suddenly start addressing them. They may not even realize how much their past experiences are affecting them.

It seems like your mother and aunt are close, but not in an emotionally open way. Their bond is likely built on shared experiences, family ties, and unspoken understanding rather than direct emotional communication. Their struggles—including financial betrayal—probably strengthened their connection, even if they don’t openly discuss their feelings. Instead of expressing frustrations, they enable each other’s behaviors and avoid certain topics altogether.

Growing up in a chaotic home can deeply shape the relationship between two sisters. Your mother and aunt both witnessed their mother’s passing, which was deeply traumatic. That experience alone likely reinforced their connection—not necessarily through emotional openness, but through unspoken understanding of their shared pain.

In chaotic families, emotions are often seen as burdens rather than something to process. Your mother and aunt may have learned that talking about painful experiences only makes things harder, so they learned to suppress their feelings instead. Over time, they likely developed certain unspoken rules, such as: “We don’t talk about painful things.”, “We keep moving forward, no matter what.”, “We support each other quietly, but we don’t challenge each other.”

Because of this, they may be emotionally close, but not open—meaning they lean on each other when necessary but avoid discussing deeper issues.

In chaotic homes, siblings often fall into specific roles to cope. Based on what you’ve described, your mother might have taken on the role of peacekeeper, choosing avoidance over confrontation to keep things smooth. Meanwhile, your aunt seems to hold onto resentment, expressing it indirectly instead of addressing things head-on. These roles reinforce each other and make emotional communication even harder.

When siblings go through trauma together, their bond can be strong but dysfunctional, such that is missing the emotional openness needed for true healing. This Trauma Bonding could explain why your mother enables her sister’s behavior—rather than challenging her, she supports her in silence, making sure things remain predictable rather than disruptive.

For both of them, their past experiences still shapes how they interact today—not through direct conversations but through quiet support, enabling behaviors, and avoidance of hard truths.

It makes sense that you feel distant from them right now. Their relationship is built on patterns that don’t allow emotional transparency, which affects you as well. If they aren’t willing to address their past or communicate openly, you may never get the deep conversations you hope for. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find peace within yourself—you can focus on protecting your own well-being rather than waiting for them to change.

“I just don’t know how to navigate this phase of my life… I would love some guidance and how to go through this in phases and learning to commit to this process and not run away from it because I tend to do that a lot.”-

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, torn between wanting to support your mom and aunt while also feeling distant and overwhelmed by growing tensions. The fact that you recognize this and want to commit to working through it is already a big step. Here are my suggestions:

1. Accept what you can and cannot change. You can’t change your aunt or mother, and it’s unlikely you’ll make them acknowledge their past or communicate differently. However, you can change how you respond. Instead of trying to fix them, focus on setting boundaries and protecting your emotional well-being. Prioritize what brings you peace while staying true to yourself.

Letting go of the need for them to acknowledge the past—since that may never happen—can bring you closer to peace of mind.

2. Shift your mindset from ‘Fixing’ to ‘Supporting.’ Support doesn’t mean carrying the weight of their problems or trying to solve them. Sometimes, simply being present, listening, and showing empathy is enough.

You can acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance without absorbing their stress or trying to control the outcome. This might mean stepping in when they need comfort but stepping back when the conversation becomes draining. Supporting someone doesn’t require sacrificing your own peace—it’s about being there when you can, without feeling obligated to fix what’s beyond your control.

3. Set clear boundaries to protect your well-being. Before engaging, decide in advance how much time and emotional energy you’re willing to invest. This could mean limiting interactions, choosing specific topics to discuss, or stepping back entirely when necessary. If conversations begin to feel toxic or exhausting, give yourself permission to disengage. Protecting your own emotional health isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

I hope this helps..?

“Thank you again and sorry for going off in tangents.”- You are welcome and no need to apologize. I welcome your writing and would love to read more from you!

anita

Dear Adalie: If only he was ready, you could have made a big difference for him, a positive big difference. But he was not ready, and he is still not ready- his loss. He could have benefited so much from what you have to offer him. This is not uncommon: people having treasure in front of them and they can’t even see it.

anita