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anitaParticipantDear Tommy:
You wrote, “My grandmother on my motherâs side and my mother had it later in her life (mid-seventies). I saw it and know there isnât much that can be done. But I feel it is going to happen to me. I am nearing that age. My wife doesnât believe it, so we donât talk about it.”-
I understand why this weighs on you, and I wanted to look into some scientific research on dementia rather than leave it to belief alone. Hereâs what I found:
Genetic Influence on Different Types of Dementia:
* Alzheimerâs Disease â More than 99% of cases are NOT inherited.
Early-onset Alzheimerâs, which occurs before age 60, has a stronger genetic link. However, since your grandmother and mother developed it in their mid-seventies, this was not early-onset Alzheimerâs.
* Vascular Dementia â In almost all cases, parents cannot pass it directly to their children. However, hereditary health issues like high blood pressure or diabetes may increase risk.
* Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) â Has a higher genetic link than other typesâabout 40% of cases have a family history, meaning 60% are not hereditary.
* Rare Genetic Dementias â Some rare forms, like Familial Alzheimerâs disease (FAD), are directly inherited. However, FAD accounts for less than 5% of all Alzheimerâs cases and typically appears before age 65, often as early as the 30s or 40sâwhich does not match your family history.
Quotes from the Alzheimerâs Society (Source: Alzheimer’s. org. uk):
“The majority of dementia is not inherited by children and grandchildren. In rarer types of dementia, there may be a strong genetic link, but these are only a tiny proportion of overall cases.”
“In the vast majority of cases (more than 99 in 100), Alzheimerâs disease is not inherited.”
“The most important risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease is age. Because Alzheimer’s disease is so common in people in their late 70s and 80s, having a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer’s disease at this age does not change your risk compared to the rest of the population.”
This means, as I understand it, that having a grandmother and mother with dementia in their mid-70s, does not at all increase your own risk of getting dementia.
Key Strategies for Brain Health & Dementia Prevention:
* Stay Physically Active â Regular exercise supports cognitive function and lowers vascular risks (walking, swimming, cycling, strength training, balance exercises).
* Eat a Brain-Boosting Diet â Focus on a Mediterranean-style diet rich in leafy greens, berries, nuts, healthy fats (olive oil, avocado), and omega-3s (salmon, sardines) while limiting processed foods.
* Keep Your Brain Stimulated â Learning new skills, puzzles, reading, writing, and social engagement help form new neural connections.
* Get Quality Sleep â A consistent sleep schedule, limiting screen time before bed, and managing stress improve brain function.
* Manage Stress & Mental Health â Meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, therapy, and positive social interactions help regulate inflammation and memory.
* Monitor Health Conditions â High blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity increase dementia riskâregular checkups can help manage them early.
Connecting this to Alessaâs thread đ, developing self-compassion will help you, Tommy, not only emotionally, but mentally and physically, supporting long-term brain health and lowering further your risk of dementia.
Sending you support and encouragement đ
Anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Alessa, I truly appreciate your support and encouragement! â¤ď¸ đ
anitaParticipantPassed yesterday- Here it Is- TODAY.
There was an avoidance in facing the past, yet not facing the present.
So, now, Passed Yesterday, here I am in the present, real problems that I am now looking at.
And I am currently quite overwhelmed.
It’s a legal, financial complicated situation that may result in.. I don’t know..
Don’t know.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
Thanks for checking inâI hope you’re doing well too.
Congratulations on reaching that savings milestone! Thatâs a huge achievement, and Iâm really glad itâs providing you with some peace of mind. Knowing you have that safety cushion can make navigating things a bit easier, even if you donât need to act on it right away.
Itâs great to hear youâve reached out to the NHS about therapy. Taking that step is important, and I hope you hear back soon with helpful options. In the meantime, if you ever want to talk things through, Iâm here.
Wishing you a smooth week ahead.
Anita
anitaParticipantIt’s finally getting darker outside at 9:15 pm, wouldn’t be dark before 10 pm.. Too close to the North Pole here.
Just a hint of darkness.
Still too much light at almost 9:30 pm.
Feels like 5 am, yet, it’s not yet 10 pm. No bird sounds. They will come alive on the other side of darkness, in about 6 hours. Something to look forward to.
anita
anitaParticipantThere is an overwhelming amount of mental illness in our worldâitâs everywhere, both can be seen in real life and in these forums. So many people are suffering, countless lives weighed down by struggles that often go unseen. Can anyone truly refute or deny this reality?
It takes a lot to not give in and give up.. once again.
I’ve seen the suffering in my mother half a century ago, and I see it this very evening, in another person’s face right this moment.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I didn’t cause it- didn’t do it- can’t undo it.
Just.. So.. Much… Pain.
What would be the point in me crumbling.. once again, collapsing, helpless, underneath the pain around me..?
Somebody HAS TO BE STRONG in the midst of all this crazy suffering.
Why Not Me?
Who is reading these words of mine.. Peter? Alessa? Maybe, just maybe Jana (still on my mind)?
Jana is probably not reading this, yet, she is still on my mind.
I miss Jana. I wish she’d be back. I wish she knew that.. well, I wish she knew that she got through to me.
I don’t want more of her criticism. No, no more criticism!
It’s the other part I miss: her genuine, honest desire to CONNECT, and my regret that I wasn’t able.
* No need to pass on this message to Jana, Alessa. It’s just silly me, missing Jana.
anita
anitaParticipantâ¤ď¸ â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, Alessa. â¤ď¸
anitaParticipantPassing Yesterday means offering as much kindness and understanding as I can to othersârecognizing their pain, struggles, and humanity. At the same time, it also means standing firm in my own dignity, refusing to submit to disrespect, mistreatment, or manipulation from those who seek to undermine me.
Moving forward isnât about choosing one over the otherâit requires both. True healing comes from balancing empathy for others with the strength to protect myself, ensuring that my kindness is given freely but never at the expense of my own well-being.
Simply put, it is essential to me that I never submit to anyone’s disrespect.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and for asking me for advice. I feel truly honored. â¤ď¸
As I read your words, I see a central thread running through your lifeâthe roles of Survivor and Caregiver. From an unimaginably cruel childhood, you found ways to endure. You took on the role of protector for your brother, doing everything you could to shield him, feed him, and keep him safe in a world that made that nearly impossible.
Even now, as an adult, that instinct to care remains strongâitâs woven into who you are. You continue to give to others, finding meaning in nurturing, whether through motherhood or supporting those around you, including people in these forums.
You lived in constant fear, yet you kept goingânot just for yourself, but for your brother. In many ways, caring for him became the reason you didnât give up entirely. That role was powerful, but it also carried a heavy burdenâbecause when survival depends on protecting someone else, it can be devastating when that protection isnât enough.
The guilt you carry isnât because you failedâitâs because no child should have been placed in that position to begin with. You did everything in your power, but the circumstances were beyond your control.
Now, you ask about a sense of selfâbecause for so long, your existence has been tied to surviving and caring for others. Itâs completely understandable that looking inward, beyond those roles, feels unfamiliar. Who are you outside of survival? Outside of caregiving? This isnât a question that needs an immediate answerâjust gentle exploration.
A place to start could be small moments of self-reflection:
What makes you feel at peace, even briefly?
When are you happiest?
What do you enjoy purely for yourself, without an obligation to help someone else?
If survival and caregiving werenât the defining themes, what would you want your life to be about?
Self-care doesnât have to be grand gesturesâit can be as simple as taking time each day to focus on what you need, separate from anyone else. Even allowing yourself to consider these questions is an act of reclaiming yourself.
You are more than what was done to you. More than the roles you’ve taken on out of necessity.
You have already survived the impossibleâwith incredible strength. Now, you deserve the space to exist for yourself, not just for others.
Iâm grateful that you shared this with me, and Iâm here whenever you want to continue exploring this journey.
Warmly, Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tommy:
I feel for youâlooking back on past mistakes can be incredibly painful. Please know that I genuinely appreciate your self-awareness and the effort youâre making to grow from past experiences.
Regarding the guilt-trip feeling, I want to clarify that when I pointed out the harshness in some of your past responses to members, it wasnât meant to hurt you or make you feel bad. My intention was to protect other members and to encourage reflection on how our words impact others, especially those who are struggling. I understand this firsthand, as Iâve also submitted responses in the past that I now regret.
It was about recognizing that certain approachesâparticularly ones that feel harsh or judgmentalâcan intentionally, or unintentionally cause harm.
One thing I want to gently shareâsometimes, when we feel stuck in ourselves, unable to move forward, we unknowingly project that frustration onto others. The anger youâve felt toward people who seem unable to âmove onâ might actually reflect an inner struggleâan anger toward yourself for feeling similarly trapped.
This could also be why receiving affection felt unfamiliar or uncomfortable. When we struggle with self-acceptance, warmth from others can feel unsettling, even when itâs offered with kindness. This isnât a criticism, just something to reflect on as you continue your journey.
For decades, I carried a deep sense of shame, guilt, and anger toward myself. I struggled with self-acceptance, often judging myself harshly and, at times, projecting that onto others. My healing has been about learning self-acceptance and forgiveness, both for myself and for others. While Iâve made progress, itâs still a journey, and I continue to grow.
Of course, Iâm not saying your experience is the same as mine. We all process things differently, and only you know what truly resonates with you. I just wanted to share what Iâve learned in my own healing journey, in case any part of it is helpful.
I truly appreciate the depth of your reflection and the work youâre doing, Tommy. Growth takes time, and self-reflection isnât always easy. I simply hope to encourage compassionate dialogue, so that healingâboth for yourself and for othersâcan continue.
Warmly, anita
anitaParticipantI will be back to you in the morning, precious Alessa!
anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Alessa, very well said â¤ď¸â¨đ
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tommy:
I will reply further tomorrow, but for now, I just wanted to say that as I read your post, just now, I felt genuine affection for you, as in: I (anita) likes Tommy đ
I hope it doesn’t feel weird for you to read this. I suppose it’s a positive human emotion and I feel it for you this Sat evening.
anita
anitaParticipantIn real-life, tonight, I got very, very angry at a woman I believe is self-centered and selfish, and I told her that I will Never talk to her again. It was a promise I made. My heart was beating fast, I was ANGRY.
Then I felt GUILTY for feeling angry, as if there is guilt in anger itself, no matter how valid it may be.
If I am angry= I am guilty= I am bad.
But this is NOT true. Me being angry doesn’t mean I am wrong, or bad.
It’s as if to be a good person one must never be angry..?
No, I am reclaiming anger as a valid emotion.
Feeling angry doesn’t make me wrong, or bad.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.