Dear Kodi:

You are welcome. The following are my thoughts, understandings and impressions, correct or not- it is for you to decide. It may distress you to read or to consider what’s to follow, so please, be prepared, and you are welcome, of course, to read or not to read, to address and reply to any part, or not. My motivation is to help just a bit, I hope.

“My Dad and I were eating lunch one day and he suddenly said ‘Everything that comes out of your mouth is negative‘“-

– I know that it is not true that everything that comes out of your mouth is negative because you’ve been trying hard throughout your threads to state the positives, and you stated positives even without trying. Examples: first, original post, 4th sentence, Sept 2016: “I am happily married with a 5 year old son; we have our own house in a small town and a dog…“; Nov 2017: “My husband is in turn very loving and sensitive to my feelings“;  Aug 2021 (addressed to me): “Thank you so much for your kind and supportive response“; July 2023: “ I actually have a pretty good life – happily married, employed, have a house, a wonderful son“; Sept 25, 2023 (your most recent post): “My parents… are having the time of their lives. For the most part, my Mother’s anxiety is a thing of the past, as is my father’s negativity“.

So, why (I am asking myself) did your father say that everything that comes out of your mouth is negative? The only reason I can think of is that he was angry at you, and therefore, he was- not empathetic- but rude to you.

“When I mentioned to my Mom that that bothered me, she said she agreed“- so both unempathetic toward you. I mean, if your mother was empathetic, she’d ask you (if she didn’t yet know) why you are so negative, or she’d apologize for instilling negativity in you (“they instilled it in me in the first place“, it being negativity).

“I get it, they’re trying to make me aware of how negative I am“- (1) they are not aware that you are already aware? (2) are they not aware that they instilled negativity in you; they think that you were born negative and it has nothing to do with them..?

“but I don’t respond well to ‘tough love’“- like the song says, “what’s love got to do with it?” A child is invested in seeing her parents in the most positive light; often, children (into adulthood) interpret their parents’ expressed anger and even abuse as “tough love”. (I say it’s tough.. but it’s not love).

“There are many reasons for my negativity – not only is it ingrained I’m me, but I’m unhappy at work. Every job I have ends up that way, because I’m easily stressed“- if negativity is ingrained in a person during childhood, it doesn’t disappear in the context of work, or adulthood. Negativity instilled in childhood is far reaching and it contaminates a variety of adult contexts.

“I’ve always had this silly vision of myself as a 50s housewife“- 1950s/ early 60s TV series do depict traditional homes as peaceful homes.

“A few years back I quit my job and took 2 months off. It was the happiest & healthiest I’ve felt since my maternity leave“- I  had a happiest and healthiest 2-months off my anxiety and depression when I first left my mother and country and travelled to New York City during Christmas.. Magical. But then I got together with my mother in NYC and the magic turned to anxiety and depression.

“I resent that my parents are so happy & carefree, because I want it so badly for me, too“- happy, carefree, after a lifetime of stress? (I wonder if they are recently retired and are experiencing their own temporary Magic)

Currently, you are 42. In your previous threads you shared: “I..  battled anxiety and depression all my life… I have had severe anxiety and depression since I was a teenager” and in this thread: “I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life“.

Previously: “My Mother-in-law lives in a little cottage by the lake. Visiting her is one of my favorite things to do – she’s very calm and loving and loves to laugh. her sun porch and backyard bring such peace to me, I feel like I’m away from it all. It’s hard to leave. In a way I feel like I’m driving away from heaven, back into hell (the real world)“-

-your life growing up at home, with your parents was very stressful, unloving, no laughter… no peace.. hard to live in.. hell…?

“I don’t blame myself for their anxiety, nor do I blame them” (2023)- but you blame yourself for the anxiety they instilled in you?

“I have good relationships with my parents” (2016)- at what cost?

“Unfortunately, I’m doing the same thing with my son. I’m aware of it and I try to keep it in control, but I fear I’ve instilled it in a him. He has different triggers than I do, and he’s not nearly as anxious as I, but I see it” (July 2023)- is experiencing so much anxiety on your part, for so long, and passing it on to the next generation.. is it the cost/ the price to pay for you having good relationships with your parents, not rocking the boat with them?

“Is it okay to want to be happy?” (the title of this thread): it is okay to blame your parents (“I .. don’t blame them“) for what they are responsible for- for no other reason but so to remove the blame from yourself, to free yourself from guilt that doesn’t belong to you (“I have so much guilt… I feel like a horrible person“, July 10, 2023), .. Free yourself from unearned guilt, and you’ll free yourself from much of the anxiety and depression you’ve suffered from for so long.

Easier said than done, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Luna: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Ben:

Having read your recent post, I am back to feeling optimistic. I know that you are a good person, and I think/ feel that he is too, and that being with you will be good for him, that he will mature in the context of a committed relationship with you. I am rooting for the two of you! I am curious to know what’s next…

anita

Dear Ben:

“He (love interest) said… ‘I don’t want him (his boyfriend) to do something crazy’…. he (love interest) said ‘I know him (his boyfriend), he wasn’t just making drama’..  He (love interest) said before he had had a girlfriend who threatened suicide after they broke up“-

– what if.. it is your love-interest who is into drama…?

When I read (yesterday) that your plan to support him financially while he studies medicine in Argentina, and then to  move to Argentina, has been revived by your love interest (“He seemed to readily revive this plan“), I became concerned. I will try to explain: through your descriptions of your love-interest, I kind-of, sort-of.. fell in love with him a bit myself, but I don’t know him well. On the other hand, I know you way better from direct communication with you. So, I am taking a step back asking myself about his motivations and relationship history and what these could mean to you, if you invested so much in him. What do you think?

anita

Dear Ben:

“He said before he had had a girlfriend who threatened suicide after they broke up“- in this sentence, He refers to your love-interest (not to his boyfriend).. I am not sure..?

anita

Dear Ben:

I didn’t read your recent long post yesterday. I read it this morning for the first time, and did not expect such a development, my goodness! The ending of the post, him saying: “Would you let me care for the injury I gave to your heart?” made me smile. I can see (in my mind’s eye) what’s so lovable about him, or a good part of what’s lovable about him: his child-like expressions, like drawing a heart with his hand,  his “slightly impulsive gesture that is part of his character”, as you said.

You told him all the right things. About his boyfriend (or ex?) doing “something crazy”- he didn’t threaten suicide, did he? He talked about seeing a psychiatrist and wanting to change.. I didn’t read anything he said that referred to self-harm or suicide..?

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you for your kind words and empathy.

“Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing… when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works“- it works for you to be thousands of miles from your mother; it works for me too to be thousands of miles away from my mother (and in my case: no video or any other contact)

“Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband…  I found myself listening (to) them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment“-(1)  this is a valuable testimony to how disturbing it is for a child to witness arguments and aggression between parents, and how it is still disturbing for an adult. (2) I hope that your next video call will not include them arguing (tell her that you don’t want this to happen again while on video, or cut the call short one an argument starts: this is the benefit of video and living thousands of miles away!

“I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery… I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens“- it’s natural for a child to feel responsible for her parents’ misery and pain. For a child, taking such responsibility brings hope: if the child is responsible for a parent’s misery.. the child can make their misery stop (so the child’s thinking or believing goes).

“About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt..  I haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, I feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works“- a valuable example and testimony to how anxiety works, and how you can manage and successfully move through it.

“I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life…  I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.”- and now, you have some power, in your current life, to think differently, to act differently and to manage your anxiety successfully, one day at a time.

“I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed & happy days and moments“- thank you. Your move to a different country in itself is refreshing to me!

In regard to your post that you addressed to me on the other thread: “As for being passive aggressive, I guess I just mixed those with my toxic thoughts in my head. I don’t show them“- being passive-aggressive is a behavior, not a thought pattern.. so you are not passive-aggressive.

“I remember how bad I can think of some people and not show them that. Then I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Maybe that’s what confuses me and makes me think of myself as a passive aggressive person“- there are reasons why you think badly of people/ why you negatively judge them: envying carefree people is one such reason, the desire to be carefree yourself is behind it. The more carefree you manage to become, the less envious and the more positively you will think of others.

“I guess we need to remember that the sides that we don’t like about ourselves also exist on others, and they do not share it“- exactly! But the more you share with me and the more I share with you, the better people we become.

“Thanks for sharing what you think about this and relieving my thoughts about myself.“- you are very welcome, Arden!

anita

Dear Stacy:

“I feel that my eating issues and health anxiety is objectively hard to live with and be around, as everyone in my life has admitted this to me“-

– your mother and sister are the most influential of the people in your life who admitted this to you, right? But thing is, you did not develop in a vacuum, but through interactions with your family members, and those interactions led to your health issues. Let’s say you end up living with an emotionally healthy-enough man, one who sleeps through the night (unlike your sister who suffers from severe insomnia, yelling at her son in the middle of the night),  a man who (unlike your mother) does not watch Gunsmoke all day, tunning you out.. in these different circumstances, you will have the opportunity to experience much improvement in regard to your eating and health anxiety issues.

“I just really miss him..“- you miss escaping your home life during the weekends with him, don’t you?

“My mom has always loved me in the ways she knew how – cooking for me and trying to take care of me when I was sick.“- amazing, when I used to think that my mother loved me, I thought of these same exact two things as evidence of her (alleged) love.

“She’s preoccupied by her own misery… I know her way of showing me love has been Christmas presents and monetary expressions of love when she can. It’s why Christmas is so depressing for me, I want to fast forward straight through it“- if she truly loved you during Christmas, you would be looking forward to Christmas, wanting Christmas to last forever.

“I see her attempts to love me with this“- failed attempts.. (the proof is in the pudding, like I mentioned before).

“I constantly look at other places to stay and you’re right that any other place with a peaceful schedule could be better. My car broke down AGAIN last night. I’m stuck at home physically when this happens, but also stuck because I keep having to put my paychecks into fixing the car rather than saving to move.“- I am sorry that your car broke down again. I am guessing that there is no public transportation in your small town, so you can’t work and save money not owning a car at all..?

“Everyone knows my sister and brother around here…  This is a very small town… I can’t seem to make new connections without them being connected to someone else“- moving far away will be a good thing for you, away from everyone who knows everyone.

I know that your situation is difficult, objectively and subjectively. I hope that it gets better very soon on both fronts.

anita