Dear Tara:

Welcome back to your thread a year and 3 days after you last posted, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of complex emotions and challenging dynamics within your family.

From what you’ve described over the years, your mother exhibits a combination of emotional dependence, controlling behavior, and emotional manipulation. Her actions greatly contributed to your anxiety and feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and the need to lie about your activities to avoid judgment and conflict.

Based on what you’ve shared, it seems that her actions have been motivated by her own emotional needs and struggles, rather than focusing on your well-being. It’s time for someone’s actions to prioritize your well-being, and since it won’t be her, that person needs to be you. It’s crucial that you prioritize your own mental and emotional health.

It’s important to recognize that you’re not responsible for your mother’s emotional state or her relationship with your father. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support from friends, therapists, or support groups can help you navigate these challenges.

Considering moving out is a significant step toward gaining independence and creating a healthier environment for yourself. It might be challenging financially, but the personal growth and well-being you can achieve will make it worthwhile.

* In the past, I shared with you that your mother very much reminded me of my mother. Mine suffered from a combination of 4 personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Intense fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, rapid changes in self-identity, impulsive behaviors, and emotional instability) + Narcissistic Personality Disorder (two of the symptoms are: lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement) + Dependent Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clinging behavior, and fear of separation) + Paranoid Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Distrust and suspicion of others, believing that others are trying to harm or deceive them).

While these are potential personality disorders that might align with your mother’s behavior, it’s crucial to seek a professional evaluation for an accurate diagnosis. Understanding these possibilities can help you navigate your relationship with your mother and prioritize your own well-being.

Your strength and resilience are evident, Tara, and taking steps to prioritize your well-being is crucial. Remember, you’re not alone, and seeking support is a sign of strength.

anita

Dear Dafne:

It’s perfectly normal to want closure and to make things right with the people you care about. However, seeking closure with a spider can lead you to getting stuck in its web.

The fact that he blocked you and then unblocked you, only to express his pain is manipulative. He’s trying to regain your trust without addressing the real issues at hand.

He didn’t apologize for blocking you, placed his pain on center stage (“Him: “I was in too much pain last week”) and kicked your pain off the stage, dismissing it (“Me: ‘Hi, we all were in pain last week…Him: I am aware that we have all had pain'”).

He is self-centered and manipulative, and your feelings of distrust and fear of being blocked again are valid.

Regarding his lack of friends, it might be a reflection of his behavior and how he handles relationships. Self-centered people who get offended easily and don’t discuss things honestly and calmly can’t maintain healthy friendships.

I’m proud of you for recognizing the impact of your past on your self-esteem and romantic choices. It’s a significant step towards healing and growth. Here are some suggestions for self-care and building self-confidence:

Set healthy boundaries in all your relationships, Practice self-compassion (be kind and forgiving to yourself), Engage in activities you enjoy, Talk to a therapist or perhaps join support groups (in addition to this thread), and Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments.

“I’m an old soul, maybe too old school for this modern world… Maybe that was another reason why this man got my attention. He seemed to want the same life as me, presenting similar values. But now you’re helping me to see that it all might be just a spider web 🕷🕸”-

– I’m glad that I could help you see through his facade and recognize the spider web 🕷🕸 he’s been weaving. Your values and principles are important, and they will resonate with the right people who truly appreciate and respect them.

You have the strength to overcome these challenges, and it’s okay to take time to focus on yourself, and thank you for your kind words, Dafne 🙏. I’m here to support you in any way I can. 🌞

anita

Dear Tara: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It’s wonderful to see how our shared experiences and values bring us closer, even as we celebrate our unique differences.

I’m glad you found healing in pursuing activities your families discouraged. Embracing who we are without judgment is powerful.

Your reflections on parenting are profound. Realizing that worthiness doesn’t require specific actions and embracing loveable qualities is freeing. It’s great to read how parenting has helped you grow in patience and emotional discipline.

Thank you for prompting us to reflect on self-compassion. Looking forward to continuing this conversation.

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you for your message. I completely understand your concerns about delivering the presentation to a large group. It’s natural to feel nervous about public speaking.

If it helps, here are a few tips that might ease your nerves:

Practice: Rehearse your presentation multiple times, either in front of a mirror, with a friend, or recording yourself. Familiarity will boost your confidence.

Focus on Breathing: Before and during your presentation, take deep breaths to calm your nerves.

Engage with the Audience: Try to focus on connecting with your audience rather than just delivering content. It can make the experience feel more like a conversation.

Positive Visualization: Picture yourself delivering a successful presentation. Positive imagery can help build confidence.

Remember, it’s okay to feel nervous. Even experienced speakers feel the same way. You’ve got this!

anita

Dear Dafne:

“And now the spider is back!”- you say it as if it’s a good thing 🫢 What feels good isn’t always what’s best for you.

“I feel relieved that he replied and I can have some answers”- what answers and to what questions?

“I am neither a dreamer, nor a liar, nor irresponsible”, said the 🕷️ to the 🪰.

“He said some nice words about the beauty of a family life”, as he pointed to his 🕸️ (spider web).

“Is it wise to continue texting him without him unblocking me on the other media?”- the phone is one entry point to his 🕸️. Unblocking you on the other media would be like unblocking a second entrance into his 🕸️.

“What do you think of this whole situation now Anita?”- I think that he is dealing with a very low self-esteem and have created a fictional Asian project involving millions of dollars to feel better about himself. In this context, questioning him about the project is like pulling the carpet from under his feet, which is not fair to him (the reason I recommended that you no longer question him about the project).

On the other hand, he wants your money, all the money that you have and can get through loans and whatnot. He’s been trying to lure you into his web of deceit with hopes and promises of a shared home and life with you.

How to move forward? Through empathy for him (no longer questioning him), and empathy for yourself, prioritizing your well-being.

Notice this, in the latest exchange with him yesterday, he said: “family life is the most beautiful”- he told you earlier that his parents passed away, were cremated and that (if I understand correctly) he does not know where their ashes are. He also told you that he has no siblings and that he has little to no contact with cousins, none of them whom you met. So, seems to me that the words “family life is the most beautiful” do not indicate his persona experience and are meant to lure you into his web of deceit.

He also said: “I regret that you did not meet my friend… my partner… But I introduced you to other friends who are jealous, they did not even call me for New Year’s Day”- given that you never met his alleged project- related friend and partner, and that the two friends you did meet are not really friends… then, altogether, he has no friends and no family, at least not any with whom he has contact, or positive relationships.. so, what does it tell you, Dafne?

anita

Dear Jana:

“What was your perfectionism, Anita?”- the earliest memory I have of my perfectionism was following my mother’s criticism in regard to cleaning the floor. While she was not at home (to avoid her criticism), on all four, I scrubbed and mopped each and every square of the living room floor with a dishwasher sponge, and I remember thinking: “No way can she say I didn’t do it right!”. I don’t remember what happened next, but in line with her behaviors, upon finding out how I cleaned the floor (if she did), she criticized and made fun of me for cleaning the floor in such an unconventional way.. and still not getting the floor clean, doing it wrong yet again. And again. And again.

From one point on, I stopped trying to do it (whatever “it” was) because I was not able- no matter how hard I tried- to.. do it right.

While in therapy (2011-13), I used to produce these documents which I titled “Rules 4 Life”, listing behaviors to-do, and behaviors to-not-do, then signing the document and somehow, I thought that by signing it I could follow the behaviors perfectly. One behavior I listed to-not-do in every such document was to not overeat, a behavior I failed to execute (I used to binge eat). There was always hope that when I signed a Rules-4-Life, I would really make it happen, that is, I would really begin a New Life as a person I can count on, a measured, self-disciplined person I can depend on and feel proud of.

Fast forward, I am not the impulsive, compulsive person I used to be and it’s been years since I binged on food. I learned self-discipline in a variety of areas which has been a necessary part in my healing process, depending on myself.

I suppose setting rigid rules and signing them was about my desperate rules to put order in the chaos within me. The rigid rules provided me with a sense of order and predictability at first, but then, any deviation from the rules felt like a devastating failure, creating a cycle of self-criticism and guilt, exacerbating internal chaos.

The rigid rules addressed surface-level behaviors (such as binge eating) without addressing the deeper emotional and psychological issues driving those behaviors/ the root causes, the chaos may persist despite the structured approach. The main root cause for my often overwhelming internal chaos was my early life (and onward) experience with my mother. She was the Chaos in my life, like an unpredictable storm that can destroy at any time, or a bomb that can explode at any time. The External Chaos became Internal Chaos and the rigid Rules 4 Life (involving the expectation of perfect adherence to the rules) were my misguided attempt at achieving control and order.

anita

Thank you, Dafne. I’ll be back to you tomorrow.

anita