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There’s always something missing..

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Purposeā†’There’s always something missing..

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  • #427829
    Tara
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    It’s been quite a while since I’ve made a post on here, but I’ve been inclined to post for the past few weeks now. I don’t necessarily expect this to solve all my problems but it does feel nice to pour my inner thoughts out to someone or anyone who has no connection to my life whatsoever. Just a note, this post is not going to be upon any specific topic, but more of a short life story. If you feel inclined to read all of it then do so as you wish.

    Anyways, at this point in my life, I feel as if I have so many inner feelings and secrets that no one I know completely understands. Now when I say secrets I don’t mean anything negative, but more like emotions I have hidden deep within my mind and emotions that I have never spoken aloud. I don’t think that anyone in my life truly understands me, am I the only one who feels this way?

    Let me explain my life play-by-play so we can all get a better picture of how and why I feel the way I do.

    I don’t have many friends. Maybe a few that I could call friends, not acquaintences (though I do have many of those for some reason). I have never been able to keep friends for a long time, and I know it may sound ignorant and narcissictic for me to say that this is by no fault of my own, but I really do feel this way. I am 23 years old, (Female) my high school friends have all moved on or moved away, I didn’t go to college in person, but the friends I made in that time are no longer around either, wether that be due to them doing things that upset/hurt me, or simply me just pulling away because of the “not being understood” feeling. The friends I have now think they know me, and I am self aware enough to say that yes, in most ways they do. Yet, I still always have this underlying feeling that there isn’t a deeper understanding. I’m not upset with the amount of friends I do or do not have, but it can be quite disheartening at my age to see other have large friend groups like the ones I thought I used to have.

    I’ve been in a notable amount of failed relationships, some serious and some not, which I have ended up ending all of them. In short, I have never been broken up with. At the end of these relationships I always find myself feeling guilty, like there is something wrong with me, this is a pattern I tend to repeat. I feel this way, but then down the line, I realize that maybe there was nothing to feel guilty about. That these failed relationships were either not fulfilling, abusive, etc. I don’t go very long before I get into a new relationship, it’s not that I’m unable to be alone, but more of maybe I feel like I’m searching for someone who finally understands me. I am currently in a relationship now, but I am starting to get that “it’s not enough” feeling again. Once again, I feel guilty, am I the problem? I can’t help but try and search for the problem inside myself. Am I the only one who goes though this?

    Career wise, I am unfulfilled. I was a good student in high school, 4.0 GPA, Honors, acceptance into all the colleges I applied for, in many music related extracurriculars, the whole works. I took a year at Uni, failed, and started attending community college. Since then, I have been through a few different majors, but none ever committing too fully enough to see through. I have now been taking college courses for around 5 years, though I did take a break somewhere in there. I don’t see myself at any job really, I am a good worker at the part-time jobs I have worked at, a great worker I could say even. I’m reliable, willing to work full hours, resilient, personable, so there isn’t a lack of self-confidence in that regard. I feel stuck. I have settled on a Paralegal Certification, as it’s much less of a degree and more of a straightforward program. Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No. I want a stable lifestyle, it’s the only reason I’ve committed to it. Living with my parents at 23 is not okay with me anymore, but at the same time I dread the monotony of a career. It depresses me to think about to be quite honest.

    I have extreme anxiety. This started when I was about 19-20. I think about times before the panic attacks and anxiety started with such nostalgia, I was so full of life, willing to do anything. Take reasonable risks, go to new places, do new things, meet new people. Now I can’t even go into a crowded room without making myself feel like I’m going to pass out. I know what you’re going to say, I have been in therapy, it helps, but only to a certain extent. I crave being the person I used to be, I don’t know where it went wrong. Maybe somewhere in the middle of abusive relationships and unsupervised drug use. That phase has passed me by, but I want the person I used to be back. I can’t enjoy the things I used to, I’m on meds, they help only so much.

    I guess what I’m trying to relay is that I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I recognize patterns in myself but I am unable to fix them or make myself feel better. There is some kind of longing in me for something more, only I don’t know what that something is. At this point, I’m insatiable. No relationship is good enough. No job is good enough. No career path is good enough. No friends are good enough. I don’t know what is missing. I’m not lost in life, I have direction, but I don’t know what direction I’m going. If that makes sense. I guess writing here is my way of feeling less alone, though will it be good enough to cure that feeling? Probably not. I’m floating, I’m not depressed, I can laugh and feel happy and have good days, but it always comes back to this feeling. Am I the problem? and what even is the problem?

    If you would like to get a clearer picture of past, you can go back and read my previous posts, I’ve been posting on here for a few years now.

    Thanks for reading,

    Tera.

    #427844
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Tara

    I read your post with interest, parts of your post reminded me of myself many many decades ago.

    In my early twenties I did not want to waste my time on being inĀ  relationships that were plainly not going anywhere, normally after a couple of weeks I could discern that there was alcohol, gambling or early warning signs of anger issues etc and like you I was the one who terminated the relationships.Ā  I did business studies at college for a year – hated it, joined a firm of accountants as good with figures but this did not light up my soul.

    Please tell me about the things that stimulate and bring you joy.Ā  having a high paid job which makes you miserable will not bring you happiness in either the short or long term. What is the point of being successful if it does not bring you real happiness? Many people find satisfaction & friendship in volunteering.Ā  Buddhism talks about the 8 worldly concerns and once we put them aside life has so much more to offer. You tube sravasti abbey has short talks on this topic, I have been listening to their talks for many years and have found them inspiring & informative.

    What do you look for in relationships & friendships?

    Shunryu Suzuki quote

    Each of you is perfect the way you are … and you can use a little improvement.

    Wishing you the best in your journey of finding meaning in your life.

    Roberta

    #427846
    Tommy
    Participant

    I like the way Zen Buddhism gets to the direct point. Much like the story of the westerner going to Japan to learn about Zen. He goes to the master’s house to interview him. Rings the door bell. The master answers and invites the westerner in. They sit down. The master then offers tea. The gentleman kindly accepts. The master starts tot pour the tea. It goes to the brim and he keeps pouring. The man stands up to avoid getting the tea on his pants. He says, the cup is full. No more can go in. The master says that the cup is like the westerner’s mind. It is full of ideas about Zen that there is no room for more.

    So, what is the point? Why tell you this story? There is so much going on in your life. You just do not see the whole picture. Buddha said that life is Dukkha. Some translate that to suffering. It is more of s dis-satisfaction with life. Buddha was a prince whose father protected him from the ills of life. Gave him women to serve him. Food to fill his belly. All the pleasures of life. And, still he was not satisfied. You are going thru similar feelings. You live this life but are not satisfied by it. Is it friends you want? Is it a good education? A career that excites you? You find, once you have that something new, you begin to long for the next big thing. If you think you do not belong in this group, that you are special, that there is something more to life, that you deserve more or better. Then, I am sorry I posted here.

    There really is not much more to say. I wish you a great life. Be happy.

    #427847
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tera:

    I feel as if I have so many inner feelings and secrets that no one I know completely understands… emotions I have hidden deep within my mind and emotions that I have never spoken aloud. I donā€™t think that anyone in my life truly understands me, am I the only one who feels this way?“- I used to feel this way for many, many years. Looking back, I understand now that the way it came about was that I grew up (I prefer to say grew-in) with a very loud, very self-centered, dominating mother for whom I did not exist as a human being with any measure of autonomy (to think my own thoughts if they are not identical to hers, to feel my own feelings, to make my own choices, to initiate anything). She showered me and dressed me till I was a teenager. I felt very ashamed to be seen naked by her and tried to hide… but in her mind, I did not exist but as a thing that needed to be cleaned and dressed, and my shame was at most an irritant to her, making her job (washing me) more difficult.

    In her relationship with me, SHE existed and I didn’t. There was only her, no me. Also, she isolated me from other people, and so, I .. grew-in: I did not grow out/ develop/ thrive.Ā  I was alone and lonely, troubled with shame and guilt, unable to get help or help myself, overthinking a lot, anxious, helpless.

    I have a very unique memory as an older child, maybe I was a teenager, during a visit to my mother’s brother’s house, he looked at me with what seemed like an honest, affectionate curiosity and asked me a question. I don’t remember the question but it was about what I thought or felt about this or that. I was intrigued beyond words, as it never happened before that I was asked about what I think or what I feel, I felt an excitement, as in, is it really possible that someone wants to know.. me?

    I couldn’t answer him, although I wanted to, because my mother was sitting there and seemed angry, not wanting me to answer. I was not allowed to be an autonomous person with my own thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, etc., unless she approved. I was quiet a lot. Decades later, as an adult (till a year ago), I’ve been told repeatedly by people that I am quiet.

    I donā€™t have many friends. Maybe a few that I could call friends, not acquaintances (though I do have many of those for some reason). I have never been able to keep friends for a long time, and I know it may sound ignorant and narcissistic for me to say that this is by no fault of my own, but I really do feel this way“- I didn’t have friends growing-in because if a friend from school visited me, my mother took over that friend as her own and engaged in a conversation with her while I was a (quiet) 3rd party to the interaction. And then, my mother told me negative things about everyone, children and adults (outside their presence, of course, gossiping), how I shouldn’t trust them, and so, I was indeed very alone and very lonely.

    I am 23 years old, (Female) my high school friends have all moved on or moved away, I didnā€™t go to college in person, but the friends I made in that time are no longer around either, whether that be due to them doing things that upset/hurt me, or simply me just pulling away because of the ‘not being understood’ feeling“- I wasn’t understood when I was your age, nor did I understand myself. Or I should say, more accurately, I misunderstood myself. I was quite sure that there was something very wrong with me.. and indeed there was, but not because I was born Wrong, but because I was made wrong, meaning, I was treated in such ways that mental health was NOT possible for me, and anyone, any child growing in with such treatment would have become mentally unwell, as unwell as I was.

    With people, potential friends, I was clueless, I didn’t know HOW to interact, how to ask, how to answer, what’re the rules of engagement, other than that which my mother demanded of me: submission, suppression (and getting angry inside).

    The friends I have now think they know me, and I am self aware enough to say that yes, in most ways they do. Yet, I still always have this underlying feeling that there isnā€™t a deeper understanding“- there isn’t a deeper understanding of you.. by you?

    Iā€™ve been in a notable amount of failed relationships, some serious and some not, which I have ended up ending all of them. In short, I have never been broken up with. At the end of these relationships I always find myself feeling guilty, like there is something wrong with me, this is a pattern I tend to repeat. I feel this way, but then down the line, I realize that maybe there was nothing to feel guilty about. That these failed relationships were either not fulfilling, abusive, etc.“- I know guilt so heavy that I was exhausted almost all the time. My pattern with people was submission leading to rebellion and ending contact. Over and over again. I didn’t know HOW- and still to this day, I have trouble with asserting myself. With my mother I only knew submission and quiet anger on my part, and aggression and loud anger on her part. I had no experience with assertion.

    I donā€™t go very long before I get into a new relationship, itā€™s not that Iā€™m unable to be alone, but more of maybe I feel like Iā€™m searching for someone who finally understands me. I am currently in a relationship now, but I am starting to get that ‘itā€™s not enough’ feeling again. Once again, I feel guilty, am I the problem? I canā€™t help but try and search for the problem inside myself. Am I the only one who goes though this?“- no, you are not the only one, that’s for sure. I didn’t understand myself, no wonder others didn’t either: how could they understand what I didn’t?

    And if they understood and told me what they understood, and it felt bad hearing it, I imagine that I’d get angry with them and reject their understanding. I bet that happened to me but I didn’t know it at the time.

    Career wise, I am unfulfilled. I was a good student in high school, 4.0 GPA, Honors, acceptance into all the colleges I applied for, in many music related extracurriculars, the whole works. I took a year at Uni, failed, and started attending community college. Since then, I have been through a few different majors, but none ever committing to fully enough to see through. I have now been taking college courses for around 5 years, though I did take a break somewhere in there. I donā€™t see myself at any job really“- I relate to this part as well. It’s the LACK of something inside that leads to interpersonal, academic and occupational indecisiveness and instability, the not knowing.

    I am a good worker at the part-time jobs I have worked at, a great worker I could say even. Iā€™m reliable, willing to work full hours, resilient, personable, so there isnā€™t a lack of self-confidence in that regard. I feel stuck. I have settled on a Paralegal Certification, as itā€™s much less of a degree and more of a straightforward program. Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No. I want a stable lifestyle, itā€™s the only reason Iā€™ve committed to it. Living with my parents at 23 is not okay with me anymore, but at the same time I dread the monotony of a career. It depresses me to think about to be quite honest“- maybe you are so good at the part-time jobs because they are part-time. It’s the full-time jobs and long-term commitments that scare you? This has been true to me: anything “permanent” made me feel stuck, claustrophobic, scared.. just as I felt full-time/ long-term with my mother, stuck and miserable.

    Interesting: you are living with your parents at 23; I lived with my mother at 23 as well.

    I have extreme anxiety. This started when I was about 19-20. I think about times before the panic attacks and anxiety started with such nostalgia, I was so full of life, willing to do anything. Take reasonable risks, go to new places, do new things, meet new people. Now I canā€™t even go into a crowded room without making myself feel like Iā€™m going to pass out“- my guess is that your excessive anxiety started way before you turned 19 or 20, but it escalated and expanded in its expressions at 19 or 20. I don’t think that extreme anxiety appears in one’s life out of nowhere at 19 or 20 (you didn’t mention a traumatic event at that age), following 19 good years of growing up.

    You mentioned nostalgia: nostalgia is about looking back in time and remembering the positive, forgetting the negative.

    I know what youā€™re going to say, I have been in therapy, it helps, but only to a certain extent. I crave being the person I used to be, I donā€™t know where it went wrong. Maybe somewhere in the middle of abusive relationships and unsupervised drug use. That phase has passed me by, but I want the person I used to be back. I canā€™t enjoy the things I used to, Iā€™m on meds, they help only so much“- if I was in therapy while living with my mother, therapy wouldn’t have helped me, not unless it caused me to leave her. I wonder if something like this is true to you too.

    Again, I am guessing that your troubles pre-dated your abusive relationships with boyfriends and your drug use. It was true in my case, that I started adulthood with so much trouble within me, that trouble escalated when I was 18 or so. I think of it, the pre-18 trouble, like mud on top of a hill; and the trouble post 18, as that mud rolling down the hill, gathering more and more mud in its way, growing bigger and bigger.

    I guess what Iā€™m trying to relay is that I donā€™t know where Iā€™m going wrong. I recognize patterns in myself but I am unable to fix them or make myself feel better. There is some kind of longing in me for something more, only I donā€™t know what that something is. At this point, Iā€™m insatiable. No relationship is good enough. No job is good enough. No career path is good enough. No friends are good enough. I donā€™t know what is missing. Iā€™m not lost in life, I have direction, but I donā€™t know what direction Iā€™m going. If that makes sense“- the longing for something more, maybe it is the longing to know and understand yourself better. Life cannot possibly be good enough when you don’t understand what you need to understand. A cognitive– emotional understanding of oneself is necessary for one’s mental health.

    It is interesting that you say that you are not lost in life, that you have a direction, but you don’t know what direction you’re going. Maybe you are referring to your occupational direction, the paralegal direction. You wrote about it: “Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No.” Cognitively, you are interested in it; emotionally, you are not interested in it. Maybe what you mean by having a direction in life is that cognitively/ rationally- you have a direction, but emotionally, you do not…?

    I guess writing here is my way of feeling less alone, though will it be good enough to cure that feeling? Probably not. Iā€™m floating, Iā€™m not depressed, I can laugh and feel happy and have good days, but it always comes back to this feeling. Am I the problem? and what even is the problem?“- maybe the problem is lack of connection between the rational and the emotional. To feel grounded in life, knowing what it is that you truly want, you have to have an emotional understanding of yourself. Maybe you are dissociated from your emotional self, like I have been for so long, (maybe less severely than I was).

    If you would like to get a clearer picture of past, you can go back and read my previous posts, Iā€™ve been posting on here for a few years now. Thanks for reading, Tera“- You are welcome, Tera. I would like to read your previous threads and our past communication there, but following a few minutes of internet and starting this reply, I lost internet (and electricity) and can’t open new windows with your previous threads. I hope to not lose this reply before sending it.

    It is now 2:48 pm here and the electricity/ internet is back!

    anita

    #427850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tara:

    Like I wrote in my previous post, I wasn’t able to access your previous threads and our previous communications in those threads earlier today. After submitting my first post today, I re-read through your previous threads, and I am amazed by how much we have in common in terms of growing-in our families of origin. Actually, we have more in common than I thought back in 2022, when we last communicated, and I am quite shocked at this revelation this afternoon.

    Your first post was on July 14, 2020. Five days later, on July 19, you shared: “I donā€™t remember much of my childhood, I know that my parents fought a lot, but I donā€™t really remember any distinct memories from those events… I was always in trouble for various random reasons almost all the time when I was younger, and I believe it because of this I felt I could not confide in anyone. I do not remember confiding in my mom much until about the point of 18…

    “I donā€™t remember any direct details from any of my parents fights except very vague memories. I remember a time, not even sure what age I was at, standing at my parents door listening to them scream at each other, I remember crying, feeling as if it was my fault, because a lot of the fights I believe involved their ways of parenting me. I donā€™t remember exactly what I felt, as I canā€™t think back to my feelings much before the age of around 14-15. I remember my mom talking to me about their fights even from a young age, about how horrible and mean and angry my dad was, even though me myself didnā€™t directly experience his anger as far as I know or can recall.

    “I was mostly in trouble for various normal reasons, such as messy rooms, bad grades, attitude towards my parents, talking back, defying their wishes, such as talking to boys or texting and making social media accounts when I was not supposed to. When I was a bit older I remember my mom and I often screaming at each other when I reached my teens for things like missing curfew, not doing as well in school, etc. and the only direct thing I can remember saying from these fights is something to the extent of ‘you only punish me for the bad things I do, you never tell me youā€™re proud of me for anything'”.

    On June 19, 2022, while living with your parents, You shared: “As I have been staying at my parents’ house nothing too horrible has happened, but my mother still tends to complain about my father and her relationship with him constantly. Another thing is my father also tends to have small angry outbursts when little things donā€™t go his way. I always go into my room to escape the anger, though itā€™s not directed at me, I hate the cussing and yelling and screaming over the smallest little inconveniences in his day. It gives me feelings of anxiety”.

    On Aug 7, 2022, you shared: “Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males, and I think this too also contributed to the feeling that I needed to lie about my whereabouts.
    Recently, they caught onto this lie easily (I really didnā€™t hide it well) and I ended up having a conversation with my mother about what has been really going on and apologizing for lying to her and my father. This conversation did not go the best. I was told that I quote ‘need therapy’ and that ‘she knows itā€™s not casual.’… This spiraled into my mother listing everything that I have done wrong while living in their house, and threatening me to move out and also to get rid of my dog. Since this discussion, my mother has not talked to me in 4 days”

    Aug 8, 2022: “I decided to try and make amends with my mother, and write her a little apology card with a small gift and flowers. I left them for her before I went to work today, then I got a text from my father telling me it was a very sweet and thoughtful gesture and she cried. Then proceeded by him telling me she is going to stay with her friend for a few days? I am so confused on what is going on in this situation and why this situation lead my mother to the extremes of leaving our house. I am unsure what to do and feel as if I am walking on eggshells inside our home. As soon I get home I say hello to my father, who is always in the living room, and then immediately go into my bedroom for the rest of the day. I feel as if I am trapped here in some weird way. I also donā€™t understand my mothers reaction to this whole situation, I am confused and unsure of if this whole ordeal is my fault or doing or not”

    Sept 17, 2022: “This is where it getā€™s difficult, as I have written before, my mother tends to be very disapproving of every single interaction I have with men. Whether this be casual, or in a relationship. Last post I made, I lied to my mother about having a casual relationship with a man, and this ended in dramatics. She ended up leaving for a whole week to go to her friendā€™s house, and then came back like seemingly nothing happened. I am wanting to go out and have relations with men, as I am young and in my 20s, but every single time I want to go out I feel the need to lie about what I am doing now. I also canā€™t go to places or to houses that they donā€™t recognize when viewing my location, because then they will blow up my phone asking who I am with etc. To clarify, I am not a deadbeat doing illicit activity or doing anything more than having fun and going out and living my life outside of their home, but this seems to be the problem to them. I am working 2 jobs, 40+ hours, and going to college part-time. Even the smallest things in my life I feel that I have no privacy in, my mother does not even knock before she walks into my room. I feel stuck and hopeless and like I will be living the life of a teenager until I find some miracle that will help me move out of their house. I am stuck between lying about where I am going and inevitably getting caught and yelled at, or being truthful about where I am going and still getting yelled at and reprimanded like a child. I am unsure what to do and canā€™t seem to find any escape from this place. Every time I leave the house its ‘where are you going?’ Even if itā€™s just the smallest errand I have to go run. I donā€™t understand and I donā€™t know what to do”.

    Like me, you have few memories from your childhood because a lot of what you experienced back then was negative, and you therefore dissociated from your memories and emotions, pushing your emotions down/ in (growing in), aka suppression and repression.

    Like me, you grew in in an angry home: anger between your parents and anger directed at you from one point on, as you were always in trouble for various random reasons, accused and blamed, listing everything you (allegedly) did wrong. Anger in the home scared and scarred you, as it did to me. And like me, you couldn’t confide with anyone, and wouldn’t confide with your mother, as a child.

    My parents had terrible fights (before they divorced when I was 6), and like in your case, my mother talked badly/ complained about my father to me (as well as talking badly about everyone else, sooner or later).

    Now, here is the commonality we have that I didn’t notice until a couple of hours before: “Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males.. ‘she knows itā€™s not casual.’… my mother tends to be very disapproving of every single interaction I have with men. Whether this be casual, or in a relationship… I have no privacy in, my mother does not even knock before she walks into my room… Every time I leave the house its ‘where are you going?’ Even if itā€™s just the smallest errand I have to go run. I donā€™t understand and I donā€™t know what to do“-

    – Both of our mothers were angry at their husbands (when married to him), and both did not have a positively close and intimate relationship with a man for the entirety of our childhoods and beyond. As a result, they got inappropriately close to their daughters, walking into your room without knocking (walking into the bathroom to wash me..), and both acted like.. jealous men when it came to boys or men in our lives. Isn’t this amazing..? It’s called emotional incest.

    Notice her reaction to when you gave her a card, a small gift and flowers: she cried and left the home for a few days. I think that she was jealous of the attention you gave to the men in your life, jealous of your romantic interest in them, and when she received some.. romantic like gesture from you, she was so overwhelmed, she had to go away for a few days. This is my understanding of what happened.

    How do you feel about my understanding: is it too overwhelming for you to consider it?

    Now to your recent post, a year and five months since your Sept n2022 post, in light of re-reading your older threads: “I have never been able to keep friends for a long time“- maybe partly because of loyalty to your jealous mother.

    Iā€™ve been in a notable amount of failed relationships, some serious and some not, which I have ended up ending all of them“- again, maybe you ended all, or some of your romantic relationships partly or wholly because of loyalty to your jealous mother?

    I shared with you in my earlier replies, before I re-read the previous threads, that my mother isolated me from everyone.. from herself and from everyone else. She didn’t want me to be close to anyone. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want me to answer her brother (my uncle). It’s like she wanted me all to herself but couldn’t have a close.. an appropriately close relationship with me or with anyone else. And throughout my life, I felt that being close to anyone beyond a moment here or there, was a betrayal of her.

    I am currently in a relationship now, but I am starting to get that ā€œitā€™s not enoughā€ feeling again. Once again, I feel guilty… Ā Am I the only one who goes though this?“- guilty for .. betraying your mother? This is what I went through..!

    There is some kind of longing in me for something more, only I donā€™t know what that something is. At this point, Iā€™m insatiable. No relationship is good enough. No job is good enough. No career path is good enough. No friends are good enough. I donā€™t know what is missing…Am I the problem? and what even is the problem?“- the longing I had was always the longing to be loved, not as a thing or a possession (of my jealous but unloving mother), but as a person with the right to my own thoughts, feelings, choices, initiatives.. my own life. To be really ALIVE, with emotions free from suppression and repressions, directing me (together with rationale) to live my life as.. as if it was my own, not my mother’s.

    And like in your case, nothing was good enough when I was missing (guilt free) me in the driver seat in my own life, too.. loyal to the one who took unfair, inappropriate.. and inhumane possession of me.

    If you would like, feel free- if you will- to post again and let me know what you think of my replies today.

    anita

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