Dear Luna:

(1) I am all for (in most life circumstances) thinking before acting; planning and executing a plan instead of impulsively reacting. And I am all for thinking accurately and productively. So, never will I suggest to anyone (again, in most life circumstances) to abandon thinking and let emotion take over.

(2) I know that you are educated and very intelligent, therefore I am guessing that a lot of what I may write at any time, if you agree with it, it’s something you .. already know. But there are all kinds of knowing (1+1 is not always 2.. which is something you already know.. right?)

(3) The following are my thoughts, my impressions, not written in stone, and I am fine with you disagreeing and rejecting any or all of them:

“I feel like I wanna…  feel the emotion instead of thinking it“-

– Feeling (being aware of) our emotions gives us valuable information for the purpose of accurate, productive thinking and/ or action. Behind every physical sensation and emotion, or a mix of emotions, there is a message: hunger=> I need to eat, I’ll pick up an apple from this tree and eat it, cold=> I need to get warm, I’ll find a sweater in the closet and put it on,  anger=> I am facing danger, I need to protect myself, maybe fight, I’ll grab the bear spray,   lonely=> I need to socialize, I’ll call a friend,  Frustrated (title of your thread)=> I need to find clarity, I’ll start a thread on tiny buddha.

Let’s look at a sentence from your original post: “I find myself thinking a lot that a romantic companionship will be very beneficial to me in terms of my personal growth right now“- you are thinking that you might need a romantic companionship, you are not.. feeling the need for one? It is as if you are an object to yourself, as in thinking: romantic companionship will be beneficial for that person over there (Luna).

“Overall, I think it is a good way to try to understand people on a mental level in parallel with the emotional experience“- parallel lines never meet. Thinking and feeling need to meet. (I have a thing with words, sometimes- and this might be one of these times- I take them too literally).

“First relationships… can be constructive in terms of gaining social experience and a better understanding of people“- first relationships can be constructive to people, including to Luna, the person over there. Not.. I am lonely, or I am longing for love..

“First relationships often end up being a test before one really settles… I think of the first relationships as being a set of errors and trials typically (although there are success stories of those who settle in their first relationship!)“- (1) Many who settle in their first relationship are settled in misery too much of the time, (2) all relationships (first and last) are sets of errors and trials, there’s never a happily-ever-after, trouble-free relationship. (3) learning outside and within relationships is key to thoughtfully and wisely choosing the most compatible partner for a life together. A high level of compatibility is crucial for a relationship that is as free as possible from unnecessary problems and troubles.

I have more thoughts but I’ll wait to find out, if I will, what you are thinking about what I wrote so far, and if you’re interested in more of my thoughts.

anita

Dear Kodi: I will read and reply to you in the morning (in about 11 hours from nw).

anita

I’ll add to the above: I tend to be suspicious of people, quick to look at/ see negatives, real or imagined, so be aware of this tendency of mine, as I am aware of it and trying to not let it cloud my view of the objective reality..

anita

Dear Kodi:

We communicated a bit back in Sept 2016, SEVEN years ago, in Nov-Dec 2017, and a bit in Aug 2021. In your four threads (the current dating July 2023), you shared that you have suffered from “severe anxiety and depression“,  since you were a teenager, panic attacks, OCD, and your “biggest trigger has ALWAYS been the fear of severe illness”.

You “have tried everything through the years – many, many, medications (most of which I cannot tolerate) counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, supplements“, but no long-lasting improvement has occurred.

(the boldface in the following is my addition): “I’m utterly exhausted from all the fear, frustration, anger, depression, irritability, guilt – basically every negative emotion you can have. I don’t like my son to see me like this. I try so hard to turn the negatives into positives, but it seems that whenever I do, something goes wrong… There’s no reason for me to be so unhappy except that it runs in my family and I’m an introverted empath. I feel like a horrible person…. You are spot on about learning to worry about health issues from a parent. I don’t blame myself for their anxiety, nor do I blame them. Unfortunately, I’m doing the same thing with my son. I’m aware of it and I try to keep it in control, but I fear I’ve instilled it in a him. He has different triggers than I do, and he’s not nearly as anxious as I, but I see it“-

-seems to me that what happened was that as a child and teenager, you sort of drowned in your parents’ anxiety and you’ve been floundering ever since, struggling to come up to the surface of the water for air. Whenever you do get to the surface, something goes wrong and you go down under yet again.

I imagine that you cared for your parents a whole lot, being a very empathetic child,  and it distressed you so much to see them anxious. Maybe you were afraid to lose them to what scared them so much, afraid to be left alone.

I wonder if any one of your parents still expresses their anxiety to you.. that would keep you under water, so to speak.

Do you relate to my drowning analogy? I would like to communicate with you about this more in depth, if you are reading this and willing.

anita

Dear Anna:

When I read your post for the first time back in Aug 19, a month and 6 days ago, I was very impressed by your heart and mind, and I still am. This sentence particularly stands out to me: “Today, I try in every choice I do, to be the change I want to see. But I want to contribute to the change with love and compassion, not with hatred or cynicism”-  beautifully said!

Re-reading this sentence on this Mon morning is helping my resolution to be the change I want to see in others, to deliver  whatever message I have in mind-  with love and compassion. Thank you, Anna!

anita

Dear Ben:

I have to be away from the computer for a while. I’ll read and reply to  you Mon morning (if not this evening). Please feel free to post more updates anytime you’d like to. Take care of yourself!

anita

Dear Ben:

Him:  “I miss you so much. I woke up this morning with the desire to get on a plane and hug you for hours‘… I can’t manage to forget you… Whenever I try, I don’t manage to. I don’t want to“.

You: “I still love you. For me it was a true love, and I’m prepared to follow that love. It seems like it either wasn’t for you, or that it was, but you can’t accept it was true love, or that you don’t deserve this type of love”.

Him: “Help me conquer my fears, my insecurities” and a crying emoji.

You: “You have to share them with me for me to help”.

Him: “I’m worried that you think my course is stupid, that you wouldn’t support me and that you wouldn’t want to be together long distance“-

* I am not sure I understand his last response right above: by course, he means his planned years- long medical studies? And by long-distance, he is referring to studying in Argentina while you keep living in the UK?

You were the practical one in the exchange above, trying to put a feeling (love, longing, desire) into a practical application: a monogamous, committed relationship where the two of you live and love together (after he finishes medical school, or  before?) Without a practical application for love, his expressed loving feelings for you are… a thrill for you to hear/read about, but effectively, they’re in your way, blocking you from moving on and having a life together with a man you love. Do you agree?

anita

Dear LunaIsHere:

You are welcome and thank you for your empathy!

“I can see how you’re drawing the link between the parent-child bond and my inquiry and I expected this to be brought up given they’re the most common models in terms of a healthy (or not) couple partnership. So to get back to your question, like any other child, I have received powerful messages from my environment on how to act and be in a couple… For more context, I’m very passionate about self-development and I’m very future-oriented when it comes to matters of the heart.“-

– you are very intelligent, educated, an intellectual.. I wonder if, like I have been most of my life, you too remove yourself from  a hands-on, emotional experience of life, so to speak, in the context of relationships, romantic and/ or otherwise, mostly limiting your experience to the intellect?  I wonder if you are trying to intellectually understand the matters of the heart before you experience these matters hands-on?

“I’m asking about getting mentally ready for being in a relationship through self-development. For more context, I’m very passionate about self-development“-

– self development has to include social development because we are social animals, and the self is not separated from the social. You find out a whole lot more about yourself in the context of genuinely interacting with other people than you do when alone (or when you socialize with others but in a detached, removed way). In other words, there’s a lot about you that you can never get to know or understand unless you are personally and genuinely involved in a relationship.

“My question comes back to what extent can I help myself get to the point where I can have a healthy relationship if I don’t have a reference to it. I realize that is a big question given that first relationships often end up being a test before one really settles but even them, with enough work on oneself, can be constructive in terms of gaining social experience and a better understanding of people“-

– (1) I think that I understand your anxiety about having had no reference to a healthy romantic relationship, not as a witness and not as a participant. (2) When facing any big question, it is helpful to break it down to small pieces. When you get to the point of having what may be a beginning of a committed romantic relationship, at that point, take  it one step at a time, one day at a time, or one hour at a time. (3) I don’t know what you mean by a first relationship being a test…?

anita