Dear Kshitij:

* The following is a long and comprehensive post and it may be difficult/ emotional for you to read, so, please take your time reading, take breaks when needed, and as always, of course, you can choose to stop and not resume reading.

“I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’.. on even the most trivial issues. He would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling.“-

– I am now re-reading your original post and onward with the information above in mind, information I didn’t have before. I will be quoting you and commenting on the parts that I will boldface, with the info above in mind. (In parentheses are quotes from 12 hours ago, the above)

“the officers related with the scheme for some whimsical reasons chose to not let my application progress“- for whimsical reasons, your father chose to give you those sermons (“He had a problem with everything I did”, “the most trivial issues“).

“I felt completely shattered because as it felt that things were going good, something worse than my imagination hit me. It would have been so unfair”- I imagine that as a child, you tried your very best to be a good, obedient daughter, get your father approval and avoid his very harsh criticism aka (your word) sermons. Sometimes, when he was nice to you/ wasn’t critical for sometime, you had hope that there will be no more sermons, but just as you thought things were going good, there was another sermon.

” I am sort of tired of ruminating on intrusive thoughts and having breakdowns even though that situation didn’t happen in reality”– that situation (your application for scholarship being denied) didn’t happen, but your childhood need to be appreciated by your father/ to not be criticized, that need was denied again and again, repeatedly, and for years (I have never heard an appreciation or compliment….I would get to listen to very harsh criticism”).

“My intrusive thoughts make me feel as if that situation has actually happened, and it is my reality. I get flashbacks of what I felt during that time, some examples are – ‘nothing ever gets better’… ‘this is so unfair’. I think my emotional state at that moment has left such imprints that they still affect me, making me ruminate over them even though my reality is different”-

– the scholarship application situation triggered the trauma in your childhood sermons situation (lets call it CSS). The thoughts you had as a child, during those sermons were “nothing ever gets better” no matter how hard I try, and this (his very harsh criticism) is so unfair“!

“When the scholarship issue came, it shattered me because of the sheer unfairness of the issues and I began feeling that just when things started to become better, they went for worse… I began to think that it’s pointless to keep hopes as all I got was traumatic setbacks again and again“- the CSS was truly unfair. You did not deserve it AT ALL. It created trauma in you (the term for it is complex childhood trauma, because it’s not a one-time, single event trauma; it’s a many events trauma over a long time, years).

As a child, every time things were becoming better (he treated you okay), you were hopeful, but out of nowhere, things got worse again (another CSS), and you were disappointed, hope dashed. From one point on, you figured it’d be easier to not hope: no hope=> no hope dashed/ no disappointment.

“I personally think that if it’s related to the symptoms of PTSD, it is connected more with the scholarship issue; honestly speaking I had never felt such low, and despair and I almost wanted to give up.“-

– the scholarship issue was not a trauma leading to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The scholarship issue triggered your complex childhood trauma (part of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, c-PTSD).

As a child, you did feel such low, and despair, and wanting to give up, but as children do, you pushed down those feelings so to lower your distress and be able to survive and function, sort of putting these feelings to sleep. So, now, looking back, you probably don’t remember how intensely you felt back then. What happened with the scholarship application situation is that it awakened those sleeping feelings, brought them up to the surface.

“The scholarship issue… brought at the same time, an unbearable mix of emotions like despair, frustration, bitterness, hopelessness etc. I felt that no matter how much I tried, things would always get worse“- I boldfaced the intense feelings of childhood awakened by the scholarship issue. What I italicized is the theme of your complex childhood trauma.

“it makes me anxious because I feel a lack of control that scares me about how things will go”- growing up, you weren’t able to control your father’s behavior, you had no control (no matter how hard you tried) over the CSS, which happened again and again, no matter what.

“my intrusive thoughts have again begun to consume me, and I am having a breakdown everyday because of them. I’m trying the strategy but isn’t doing much help” (March 25)- your intrusive thought are a combination of your father’s accusations of you and your thoughts about his accusations.

“I visualise myself… weeping in a close room shutting myself from everything else with no desire to do anything for self-care” (April 10)- this is probably what you did as a child, how you felt back then.

“Sometimes I feel as if I am getting depressed even though everything is going well right now“- because your child self knows that everything that is going well right now, can turn upside down anytime with another sermon.

“I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now?” (April 10)- because for the child-self within us lives in the past. For the traumatized child-within the past is still happening.

“From early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling” (April 10)- assuming you are the oldest, or oldest girl among your siblings, it is possible that when you were his one and only daughter, he projected someone he hated into you, a woman who abused him (maybe his mother, maybe an aunt who took care of him, maybe an older sister, maybe a combination of these), and proceeded to punish you for.. what someone else did to him when he was a child, or a teenager, way before you were born. This kind of projection and is what’s behind a lot of childhood abuse cases.

By the time his other children were born, you already took the role of the hated-one, so your siblings were free of that one role, or maybe they were free from the extent of that role that you suffered from.

It so happens, that I was the target of my mother’s hate sermons/ tirades, she projected people who abused her as a child (way before I was born) into me and proceeded to punish me for what they have done (the common theme behind child abuse). As a result I suffered from (and was diagnosed with) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In her angry tirades, she accused me of intentionally hurting her feelings and making her want to die. My intrusive thoughts were about causing her to die. I’d have a thought (thought A) and then an intrusive thought appeared:  this thought (thought A) could kill her. Next thing I did was a compulsion to neutralize the supposed death causing thought, ex. knocking on the table 3 times , turning around one way a few times, and then the other way the same number of times.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Your realizations and desire to see yourself is why I want your perspective in my life“- thank you.

“My grandma, I call her Oma, which is grandma in German. She was born in 1942, in a bunker in Germany during the war“- my mother was born in 1942… (this means I am not a Gen-Z, lol).

“I also wonder when is the time to act, and therefore control some of the moment in front of me, and not just let life happen to me, and consequentially stay in that relationship“- with a man with whom you’re compatible, it’d make sense to do both, but with one with whom you are very incompatible (N), do none of these things (better not be in a relationship with a man with whom you’re very incompatible).

* I hope that you will no longer be embarrassed for being thirsty for compliments, no valid shame for how you feel.

“Last Monday I get a text from him in the middle of the day, saying he wanted closure and to talk if I would be willing to get a coffee… The next morning I woke up clearer, my third eye woke up and my sacral and heart had mellowed down enough for me to hear my higher vibrational self“-  I missed reading/ talking about chakras…!

“On Wednesday evening he texts me again saying he is not sure if meeting will be good or not because he has nothing positive to say… I also said I did not want to enter a situation where he was only going to show me contempt… He said he wouldn’t show contempt… Saturday evening…  he responds with a long message full of contempt. Saying ‘actually I’m gonna pass…I just can’t get over how much of a selfish asshole you are’… I responded as centered as I could,… He sent another hateful message, then another. He said ‘I read your retarded poem a thousand times‘…

“Then I got home from the cafe and he was at my door. He began the conversation by flustering me, asking me a money question… The same sort of questioning as at the grocery store… Things he said in person: (blah blah blah)… When I speak with you, my sister, my parents, my roommate, truly most people, I find it natural to raise the vibrations of the environment…  These parts of me felt blocked in his presence.. I was not able to let my light shine. This is how it was in the relationship as well, I felt dimmed and I couldn’t understand why…

“Over text the next day… He said: (blah blah blah)... after I read this I felt confused, not fulling understanding how that related to justifying his behaviors rather than looking at himself… does this message read ‘lost’ to you?“- an honest conversation is lost on him. I stopped reading what he said from one point on, hence the blah–blah-blah. There is no benefit for me to try see what a closed 3rd eye (his) wants to show me.

“I need your help here Anita. Because seeing into this conversation is to see into how it was to talk to him in the relationship, it is like he is not fully understanding what I am saying, his responses feel superficial compared to where I am coming from and it is confusing. I feel like talking to him really challenges my third eye to stay open“- bingo! I wrote the above before I read this part. What he’s been telling you under the influence of a closed 3rd eye, facilitated by a chronic marijuana use,  has made it difficult for your 3rd eye to stay open.

“When he was at my apartment talking I felt blocked in my third eye. How it was in the relationship too“- this is what I am saying (reading this after I typed the above)!

“I responded to all that, “on the first part, nothing controls you…“- in his ear, it’s blah-blah-blah.

“He didn’t respond to this portion… All he said after that whole message was ‘ok’“- my point. Your words were blah-blah-blah to him. And frankly, his words should mean the same to you.

N was meant to be much more than a closed eye chakra and stoned crown chakra. He may be a good person in many ways, an ethical worker perhaps, a law abiding, tax paying citizen, and if he is these things, I greatly appreciate him, I sincerely do!

It’s just that when you choose a partner for yourself, you need a man capable and willing to engage in honest conversations, it’s a must, it’s not something that’s optional for you!

anita

Dear IMBACK: I will read and reply to you by Thurs morning (it is Wed afternoon here).

anita

Dear one of a few Seaturtle: I will reply after your next post.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“It is true that I wasn’t shown enough compassion and appreciation… I didn’t get the compassion and even kind treatment I required during the peak of my disease“- you needed compassion, you still do. In the absence of compassion, we get anxious (Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts is the title of your thread).

Is there anyone at all, where you now live, who is a friend, someone to give you a hug when needed, someone to smile warmly when talking to you…?

“there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academics“- do you mean that your parents, particularly your father perhaps, showed appreciation for your academic performance only, and for nothing else about you?

anita

Dear G:

“After working in isolation for 3 years …suddenly I find myself like a stupid puppy dog wanting this girl… (I) feel silly with the way I have been acting, over praising her and wanting to hug and kiss her all the time, I am 47 years old. I need some advice on how to regulate myself and calm myself down.. I see nobody else all day as I work from home alone all week.“-

– I have an image of a puppy coming out of social isolation and wagging his tail too hard, being overly excited, jumping around, bumping into people and things, getting dizzy, being overly stimulated after a long period of time being socially under stimulated.

Here is what I suggest: go out and about every day for a while, maybe work from a coffee shop around other people, so to gradually re-expose yourself to social living. Start small (half an hour a day, let’s say), and increase exposure over time.

Also, incorporate aerobic exercise into your daily routine as well as perhaps guided meditations. Taking a yoga or a Tai Chi class with people can do wonders for you!

anita

I may have to re-submit this post if it includes messy print (since I quoted from an online source)

Dear IMBACK:

“Maybe I should just let her go… I overthink way too much“- for someone who overthinks way too much,  it is difficult to let go of anything or anyone.

You mentioned overthinking back in Feb- March this year: “I have searched throughout the internet for answers but this just makes me overthink everything…  I overthink everything… Yes, (I) have obsessive thinking and it fits well with the description of having the same occurring thoughts”.

Today, in your second post, you wrote: “It’s like I have to plan everything or worry about something all the time…. I always worried… Do I maybe just need to get a life maybe?“- you need to solve the overthinking problem first.

very well mind/ how to know when you’re overthinking: “Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about…

“Signs of overthinking include: * An inability to think about anything else * Being unable to relax *Constantly feeling worried or anxious * Fixating on things outside of your control * Feeling mentally exhausted * Having a lot of negative thoughts *  Replaying a situation or experience in your mind * Second-guessing your decisions * Thinking of all the worst-case scenarios”.

The last words in your original post today are “my common sense.“- is overthinking helpful when it comes to making sense of things, identifying problems and coming up with practical solutions? Let’s see:

very well mind: “While some people believe that overthinking may be helpful since it involves looking at an issue or problem from nearly every viewpoint possible and anticipating future events, the opposite is true…
<p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0-13″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”Finding ways to put an end to overthinking can help you take action in your life versus simply thinking about things that are bothering you. Instead of going over something in your mind again and again, you can start to take the steps necessary to resolve the situation.</p>
<p class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”Overthinking is different from problem-solving. Overthinking is about dwelling on the problem, while problem-solving involves looking for a solution. Imagine a storm is coming. Here’s an example that shows the difference between overthinking and problem-solving:</p>
* Overthinking: ‘I wish the storm wouldn’t come. It’s going to be awful. I hope the house doesn’t get damaged. Why do these things always have to happen to me? I can’t handle this.’

* Problem-solving: ‘I will go outside and pick up everything that might blow away. I’ll put sandbags against the garage door to prevent flooding. If we get a lot of rain I’ll go to the store to buy plywood so I can board up the windows.’

“Problem-solving can lead to productive action. Overthinking, on the other hand, fuels uncomfortable emotions and doesn’t look for solutions.”

I’d say, IMBACK, that your first priority should be addressing the overthinking problem and replace it with problem-solving, sensible, beneficial thinking. What do you.. think?

anita