Dear Jus:

You are welcome. I hope that you learn from the experience, be wiser for it, and that you are feeling better. If it helps, you are welcome to share here your deep thoughts and I will attentively and respectfully reply to you.

anita

Good morning Seaturtle and hatch:

“A calm parent, with an open mind. Someone who asked me questions about myself, and genuinely wanted to know me, as opposed to use what they knew to manipulate me“- be this parent toward yourself: hatch had to hide from a real-life parent who used what he knew about her/ what he saw- against her. She needs to find that which she hid from that manipulative parent .. because hiding for so long, she forgot what it is that she is hiding. She needs you to be an honest, trustworthy parent to SEE her and not use what you see against her.

“Someone with grandma-like warm hugs, who I could trust to still be there, when I turned my head. A grandma who moved slowly, and spoke soft“- be this parent to hatch, interact with her warmly, empathetically, softly, patiently, no matter what. Be on her side, for her, always.

“A Dad who was curious to watch me grow, rather than afraid of it. Who responded with interest rather than concern“- be curious to watch hatch uncover what she’s been hiding, be prepared to be joyfully surprised by what you uncover and discover.

“Both of these parents consistently treating each other softly. More predictability“- be a very consistent and predictable soft parent to hatch.

“Either of them asking me what I wanted“- ask hatch what she wants, ask her softly. Listen to simple words that a child would say. If she can’t choose words, give her color pencils or paint to draw for you what it is that she wants.

“A mom with advice on how to make friends. A strong confident woman who had self control, who knew what she liked and knew how to get it“- to be a consistent, predictable parent to hatch, you’d have to practice self-control, and you’d have to rely and be confident with your own understanding of people and situations.

“A compassionate father, who wanted me to be me. Who wanted to know my friends and be involved“- this is what hatch wants from Seaturtle, she says: I want to be me! I want you to help me be me! Be with me.. and help me!

“An affectionate dad, with the  empathy to see when I was hurting. And certainly never try to cause hurt, and if by accident genuinely apologized“- You will make mistakes with hatch. Apologize to her when you do. Tell her what you learned from your mistakes and how you intend to act differently in the future, in a similar situation.. then show her that you learned your lesson. This is how she will trust you.

“A dad who let me win board games and told me I was awesome. A mom who could help my dad see me. Loving parents, towards each other“- tell hatch she is awesome, help people see you (but don’t pressure them, don’t demand), be loving toward people in your life.

“Reason behind the word ‘no.’ Being treated like I was capable of understanding and maturity“- you will need to say No to hatch from time to time. Explain to her the reason behind your no’s.

“A dad asking me how I felt, and after I responded, saying it was valid. A loyal and honest mom, calm and decisive. Her only priorities being her family and herself. A dad who thought I was cool, funny, and strong. And a mom who was those things“- may hatch be your first priority, and may hatch be… hatch, funny or not (whether people think she is funny, cool, strong, or not).

anita

Dear Jus:

I read your original post attentively. You read like an honest, straightforward person; he reads like a wishy-washy person who sometimes tells you the truth, at other times, he doesn’t. Reads like he never told you the whole truth at any one time. Seems to me that this is his faulty character, sadly.

I wouldn’t contact him if I was you until and unless (like you told him), he arrives- in action, not in words- to your city to meet you in-person.

anita

Dear Sina:

The OP in this thread posted three times June 29-July 1, 2014. Her situation that you identify with (“I’m in the same situation“) is that she broke up with her boyfriend of 1 year, a man she thought highly of, a “closest friend“, a man she thought would’ve been an amazing husband and father- because she didn’t feel excited about a life with him as a romantic partner, she felt claustrophobic within the relationship and wanted freedom. After wrestling with herself for a few months, she broke up with him. At first, she felt empowered but then she felt guilty for having hurt his feelings, doubtful about whether she did the right thing, angry and then sad that he didn’t want to remain friends.. and eventually (in her 3rd post) she felt okay with her decision to break up with him.

This is what she wrote on July 1, 2014 (I don’t think you read her 3rd and last post): “I miss both the companionship aspect of the relationship and him, I think, but I’m sure it would be easier if I had more to do to keep busy on weekends… I do feel like I loved him as a friend (and I do love my friends!) but obviously there are different kinds of love, and sometimes that is just not enough…. I’m feeling a lot more settled about it today“-

– In your post today (Feb 2, 2024), Sina, you asked: “Please tell me it gets better“. M answered you almost 10 years ago: yes, it gets better. For her it got better on the 3rd day of her thread. Please post again, if it helps.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“I can’t not beat myself up. I made a huge mistake“- being beaten up, you are more likely to make more mistakes, not less. If you want to make fewer mistakes, don’t beat yourself up and have empathy toward yourself instead.

“I do not have a life during a week. I only have work and sleep… I ruined my own life“- don’t ruin your life further by .. beating yourself up. I know how strong the impulse to .. be mean to yourself, but it’s a destructive impulse.

“All I do everyday is sit in my room in front of my computer. I am too tired in the morning and then I can’t leave till 10pm. I do not feel good“- this has to change, sitting in your room all day. Either you find a way to get out somehow, every day, or quit the job ASAP.

How about a few days break from the job for the rest of this week + weekend?

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome. “I was a fool… Why did I did this to myself“- this is you beating yourself up.

“I believed a coworker who said his team was so much better, work is so great, people are so great..“- I am guessing that’s the coworker honest opinion about the team and management.

“I do not feel good here. I thought I would be respected here” – the not feeling good, not feeling respected, that’s your internal feeling that keeps following you wherever you go.

“They are all nice to me but I am not as passionate about work as they are. We do not have anything in common. And I think it’s stupid how excited they are about getting a project“- this is your alone/ isolated feeling inside you that follows you wherever you go, sometimes more in certain places and situations than in others, but it’s always there, isn’t it?

“I thought it would be different. I thought people would be different, work would be better“- like I always say, when we have very difficult childhoods, our negative childhood/ internal experience keeps following us.. wherever we go, and we feel the same. It  takes heavy-duty emotional healing to experience life differently.

“I am afraid there is no way out of this“- you need a positive distraction right now, a walk outside or a hot bath..? (I am about to go on a walk)

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, and do take your time. Thank you for the note.

anita

Dear Jim:

I just lost my reply to you that took me a couple of hours to put together, in the usual way I reply: quoting from you, responding, then reading what’s next, quoting and responding, etc. Since I already read and studied all of your original post, I will respond differently, and my reply will be shorter:

Most of the interpersonal abuse in our world is not carried out cold-heatedly, in a cool, planned, rational way. It is carried out in the heat of the moment, while the abuser is distressed.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “She feels insecure in my opinion of her physically and emotionally and fears rejections SO much that it frequently (on average every 2 or 3 weeks) leads to an event where she simply cannot control her fear of being left or abandoned for one reason or another and this results in long bouts of crying, screaming and abuse towards me. She calls it ‘blind anger’, says it rarely happened before me… I’m a very placid and nonconfrontational person, patient and gentle“-

– Seems to me that these are abusive events where she could control her fear but chooses not to, because her abuse is about controlling you so that you don’t leave her. She chooses to express her (not so blind) anger with you because you are placid and non-confrontational, patient and gentle.. so you are safe for her to.. explode.

“and she always feels regretful and remorseful afterwards“- in line with the pattern of abuse.

“Our therapist has identified that the strength of our relationship and how right I am for her has probably opened up deep trauma for her”– I think that your therapist is wrong, and that it is not the strength of the relationship that opened up her deep trauma. I think that it is the fact that you accept her abuse non-confrontationally that is giving her the opportunity to express herself in these ways,  feeling safe enough- with you- to do so.

“Our therapist has also explained to me how the void created during these moments of abandonment can be total, all consuming and utterly petrifying- the person ultimately does not exist in these moments- it’s far worse than anxiety, it’s something else entirely- something most of us could never really relate to“- reads like the therapist is suggesting that she is not in control of her behavior during those events of “blind anger”, as if these are psychotic episodes in which she is not aware at all of what is happening.

Are these events happen only in private, not in public… or does she explode regardless of who might be witnessing her explosions? I am guessing it’s the former.

“I recently responded, smashed my phone and upturned a table- the most outwardly frustrated I have become about anything, maybe in my whole life. I would never under any circumstances be violent towards her or anyone though. The way these events unfold is that her anxiety begins to pick and pick away at me and not let me go, demanding answers to unanswerable questions to try and pacify herself, even though that is unachievable. I try to keep calm but I am often goaded into saying things I don’t mean, which are then fuel to the fire”-

– it is she who is picking and picking away at you and not letting you go, it is she who is demanding answers to unanswerable questions, etc., it is she who is abusing you, and you reacted out of your character because of her abuse.

“How do you love someone who is (I’m sorry to say it, but she uses the term herself frequently) so broken, and protect and allow yourself to flourish?…Almost every day there is something low level upsetting, if not major. Yesterday she told me all the intrusive thoughts came back because I didn’t return my arm around her when sleeping and she felt unloved…. Every time we have a major incident I feel weak and want to end things… I wonder whether the next time will be the time that I break“- her abuse is weakening and breaking you. You live as if on a minefield, never knowing what word that you say or fail to say, what act, however innocent, will bring about her explosion.

“She has told me she feels worthless at times and wants to end her life. A couple of times she has threatened to harm herself if I walk out of the door“- threatening self-harm and suicide is a manipulative tactic practiced (in the heat of the moment) so to prevent you from leaving her.

“I have horrible positive feelings sometimes about the relief I would get from it coming to an end. If I knew she would be okay, even in the relatively short term, I think I would end things“- her manipulative tactics have been successful so far. And I am thinking, she has no motivation to be okay because.. if she’d be okay, she’d lose her control over you, and you’d leave her.

“Today we went to look at a house with a view to move in together because her lease ends in March. It’s a big step obviously. I feel so unsure of what we both might be getting into“- you’d be deeper in a trap.

“I need hope that things will get better, but I don’t know if I feel it or it’s possible. I try to encourage her to think positively but even that seems something she can’t commit to”- for the relationship to work out, she will have to acknowledge that she has been abusing you, she will have to commit to never abuse you again, no matter how she feels. She’ll have to practice emotion regulation skills better, every day and protect (not abuse) you and the relationship.

anita