Dear Blazkowich:

You read like a caring young man who is indeed genuinely concerned for the mental well-being of your ex-girlfriend: “I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health“.

I’d like to start this reply with the Serenity Prayer (I am not religious, but the principle in the prayer is what I am getting to), it says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Reads like her mental health is not something that you can change for the better (“I feel so helpless unable to do anything for her“), so aim to accept her mental health as it is with as much serenity as you are able, simply because you can’t make it better. On the other hand, your own mental health is something that you can change to one extent or another, so do what you can to help your own mental health.

Second (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes), “she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… sometimes she would show a lot of love and appreciation and sometimes she asks for space but recently she was so overwhelmed that she left me. Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her, and that she wants to be alone for a long, long while, but I am afraid she’s just hurting herself by doing this”-

– I believe that she is correct about the relationship hurting her, not because you were a bad boyfriend, but because her emotions within the relationship are too much for her, and she gets overwhelmed, sort of submerged under water because of a heavy weight on top of her, unable to breathe. So, clearly, the healthy thing for her to do at this point is to take a break, a very long break, like she said.

It doesn’t mean that because of the break, she  suddenly becomes mentally healthy; it means that having a break from the relationship is necessary for her to hopefully heal over time.

If you insist that she interacts with you, if you pressure her and/ or if you do not completely respect her wish for no contact, you will be adding more hurt to her mind and life.

“She didn’t even talk to her best friend of 8 years since 2 months and is constantly isolating herself... and one day she said she’s unable to handle the relationship, and she feels like this cold evil person who is unable to reciprocate any love, and that she loves me but is unable to express it“-

– Overwhelmed as in submerged under water, she can’t breathe, so she can’t love. But on top of that, she is weighed down by the guilt of not being able to love, or to express love. This is why she isolates herself, so to get a relief from the guilt and from how awkward it feels to be emotionally handicapped in this way.

“She was also offended over the fact that I advised her to visit a therapist. I contacted her friends and they told me how she got drunk, danced around, ran like a maniac and cried her heart out calling her pet cat’s name who passed away and then puked all over”-

– You did what you could: you advised her to seek a therapist and you contacted her friends. Do you think that there is yet something else for you to do for the purpose of helping her?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Last night I found out he did in fact block me… This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following“- I didn’t read what comes next, but I want to say at this point that he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you.

“Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches“-  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating. I like the resolution preceding your mention of pain.

“Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.

“I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before“- it is likely he does what he did habitually before.

“I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates…“- from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra, that upper level of Maslow’s Pyramid.

“I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house“- I disrespect him for having done this, how inconsiderate!

“What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.

“Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times“- you were not dishonest with him: you felt different things at different times, through a long period of time.

“He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me… affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you“- how common and tragic it is that people (beginning with parents) who should protect us come at us, hurting us.

“I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!

“cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways“- I don’t see it that way. You are and were back then introspected, he is not. You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.

“There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right?“- yes, I think so. I think of his strategy as that of a spider having spun his web and waiting for an insect to come to him and get entangled in his web.. (again).

“But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us…”- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).

“-Our camping trips… -The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me -That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues.. – When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions“- he is not totally lacking people skills.

“When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..

“When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled “- in certain cartoon, the bad character always looks rough, always evil. In real-life, bad people sometimes look soft, and that confuses people who believe in cartoons.

I am not saying that he is a bad person to everyone.. just that he was and would be bad as a boyfriend/ husband to a woman with an open crown chakra.

“Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon?“- I have the image of a fly flying into a spider’s web…

“I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger“- I boldfaced the words he uttered that you shouldn’t believe. He didn’t want you stronger.. just strong enough to stay alive while entangled in his web, alive but not free. I am guessing that now he wants you strong enough to fly to his web and get entangled yet again.

“I am just angry he could not fix himself for me”- I get caught in images, I know. Nonetheless, I see him (the spider) fixing himself dinner.

“Again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me“- this is feeding my imagery even further..!

“If he followed me“- a spider does not follow the fly; he waits for her to get entangled in his web.

“If he…-  and decided to look within“- if he stepped up to the top of Maslow’s pyramid, he would have.

“why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…?

“This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime“- I agree.

“But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him?“-if you showed your tears and emotions while breaking up with him… your crying and emotions would have created the vibrations on his web that would let him know that it’s time for more spinning.

Would it be unfair to the spider for the fly to not present itself as dinner…?

“The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me?”- a spider’s web is its home. Your own home should be spider free, I say (Okay, enough with the image?)

“With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right?”- or just hungry.

“I wish I could erase him from my mind.“- erase seeing who he is not. See him as he is.

2nd post:

“I feel the same way, how do you do this?”- one day at a time.

“I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense“- yes, that would be cool! if the world is coming to an end (droughts, rising sea levels, wars, etc.), trading goods will be the way to go.

“This is the best compliment I have ever received“- you are welcome and thank you for.. the compliment you extended to me in this sentence!

“At first when I read ‘seaturtle the influencer‘ I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think a lot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights…  you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea”- I have never watched an influencer online. If I did, the word would have had a negative connotation for me too. Seaturtle the Helpful Influencer in practice, the one giving the word a positive connotation.. or finding a different word may be a better idea.

“Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me“- definitely start with being authentically and unguardedly you first, and then see if people relate. Consider people’s feedback so to think of more effective ways to express yourself, but still, ways in the realm of being true to yourself.

“I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel… I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?

Seaturtle

Dear Seaturtle:

I need to be more focused so to read as attentively as I can, with open chakras, which I expect to happen in the morning. I will think about ideas for you doing something creative which will make money on my walk next.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“apparently there is only risk if your blood scores over a 5 and mine was 5.1. So my surgeon said she is 99% sure it is benign, but because it scored over 5, they have a certain procedure to follow“, “I decided to postpone the surgery so that I can get the imaging done first“-

I think it’s the right decision because it’s only a 0.1 difference, and the surgeon is 99% sure it’s benign.

Which reminds me, and I don’t know how I didn’t remember earlier, but a couple or three years ago, I was told that I had a tumor “the size of a lemon” over one of my ovaries. I had blood tests and a very expensive MRI and what was discovered was that it was fibroids (benign) that sort of grew out of the uterus and ended up by an ovary. I was told that nothing needs to be done and that those fibroids will shrink over time.

“I think it was the best decision. I am proud of myself for choosing the patient option rather than just wanted to get it over with, an easier in the moment choice“- I agree, good job, thoughtful and patient Seaturtle!

“I read a lot of studies..“- a thoughtful, patient Seaturtle who educates herself on matters before making choices!

“It annoys me too, and it also reminds me of his immaturity as well as is teflon… by blocking my number he is literally trying to spray his heart with teflon.. I wonder the affects of this for him“- think of the effects of this for you, if you volunteered to a lifetime of being blocked in one way or another, leading to an across the board chakra blockage.

“Just yesterday I was feeling like my sacral chakra needed an outlet, so I went and did a workout. I thought perhaps I could use this energy to get me to the gym?“- reads like a good idea to me.

“‘A board meeting of all chakras’ made me laugh haha, but it is true! headed by the crown chakra!”- I was impressed myself with this particular crown chakra vibration that went through me.

“I don’t feel all my chakras are united right now… My heart is not ready to be with another person though, I feel like I would have flashes of N at this point and it would have the potential to satisfy the sacral and crown while harming the heart. I need an activity that my crown agrees will simultaneously satisfy my heart and sacral chakra. Working out though, I don’t think my heart cares for that…“- how about combining exercise and the writing (typing) of Love Poems. I remember the one you shared here, I liked it!

Good to read back from you so soon (heart chakra emoji)

anita

Dear Star:

Welcome to the forums! According to very well mind. com, the first most popular ENFP (Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving) career is Psychologist, and the 7th is Social worker, your “most ‘me’ career“.

It reads that there are two ENFP subtypes: ENFP-A: someone who is an ENFP-A is known as an “Assertive Campaigner“. This ENFP subtype tends t be more confident and has more emotional control in their relationships, and ENFP-T: known as “Turbulent Campaigners“, often have less confidence and less emotional control, also experiencing more anxiety when dealing with everyday stress.

16 personality types. com reads (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “It may be important to note that, when compared to the average of all Turbulent individuals from all personality types, Turbulent Campaigners are more likely to say they consider themselves to be successful. This difference may be due in part to Campaigners’ independent spirit. They are more likely to decide that success is whatever they decide success is. Living by their own standards may give them an edge over those who live by the standards of others….

“Assertive Campaigners are less affected by stressors in their lives because they tend to feel more confident in their ability to handle them… Assertive Campaigners believe to a more substantial degree than Turbulent Campaigners that they can maintain a positive focus during bad times… Turbulent Campaigners as a group are less likely than Assertive Campaigners to lay claim to control over their emotions…

“Too much control over emotions can be as damaging as too little control. If there is too much control, Assertive Campaigners can come across as colder and more aloof than Turbulent Campaigners might. Such detachment can leave them appearing a bit arrogant. Again, it’s all relative. Neither personality variant lacks warmth. But Turbulent Campaigners may be able to show their humanity to others a little more quickly and a little more deeply than their Assertive counterparts.

“Summary: * Assertive Campaigners are much more likely to say they see themselves in a positive light than Turbulent Campaigners. *Turbulent Campaigners tend to hang on to their mistakes longer than their Assertive counterparts…  * More Assertive Campaigners say they deal effectively with stressors and have control over their emotions. This difference can represent both an advantage and disadvantage in life for either Campaigner personality type. * Research suggests different levels of concern over the opinions of others. Turbulent Campaigners are likely to look for the approval of others, while Assertive Campaigners prefer independence from the appraisal of others.”

Back to your post, Star: “I am quite intelligent, but my heart and emotions prompt my actions many times before I actually think through the best course of action. I still do this and my emotions get the best of me quite often“- reads like a Turbulent Campaigner.

Dear Seaturtle:

May the Force be with you tonight and tomorrow during your outpatient surgery, I can’t wait to read that you are post-surgery and doing well!

anita

Dear Ben:

“I feel so embarrassed to admit that, I haven’t told anyone, but in my mind I am conscious of it and it makes me so nervous. Does it need to make me nervous or anxious? I have no idea”-

– Embarrassment/ shame is a very difficult emotional experience and it involves nervousness and anxiety. Maybe it will help you to share more about your shame..?

“I was thinking today that I’m perhaps nervous about ‘what if it all goes wrong?‘ – he gets bored of it here, with me working, the gloomy winter weather…what if… Or… Or… What if…?“-

– The brain is scanning for all the possibilities where it can go wrong, trying to prepare itself for a future devastation.

“I say this..  and then try to deploy the technique ‘What’s the evidence?’ – well… none really. He says he’s really excited about it.. ‘.. I just want to spend my time with you’“- no evidence in regard to your boyfriend. It’s the old evidence that plagues you, the evidence from childhood.

“Another pressure: part of me perhaps worries about a repeat of last time – remember… my ex visited the same time of year (gloomy winter), I was nervous, clingy, insecure… He was already distant and aloof by the time of his visit… This time? Well… I don’t really see any behaviour from his side that indicates he is ambivalent”-

– Looking at the title of your thread, Love lost, there are no guaranteed that love will not be lost, not for anyone in a romantic relationship. Key is to manage this fear, and one way to do so is to practice Mindfulness and other emotion regulation skills.

“Yet… I worry so much! I tell myself all the time, there’s nothing wrong, nothing amiss. As you say, I end up creating something amiss in my head most of the time“- another way to manage the fear is to get in touch/ become more aware of what really did go wrong, what really did go amiss in your formative years aka childhood, where this excessive fear was formed into your brain. It’d take quality psychotherapy to do that. But maybe sharing more about it here will help..?

“I know my fears don’t make any sense“- your fears make sense in the context where they originated.

“He goes for a drink and forgets to look at his phone for an hour (After I’d not really talked to him for like 5 hours) – I get upset because he then wasn’t ready for our daily call when I was ready (eye roll emoji time!)“- the brain focuses on the negative, and if the negative doesn’t exist, the brain creates it. Try to repeatedly redirect your attention to the positives.

And please do post any time you’d like to, before and during his visit. It is a pleasure to read from you, and I will be glad to reply anytime you post!

anita