Dear Andromeda:

Man’s Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl about his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War 2, a place of much suffering.

(Wikipedia): “Frankl observed that among the fellow inmates in the concentration camp, those who survived were able to connect with a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersed themselves in imagining that purpose such as conversing with an (imagined) loved one…. Man’s Search for Meaning belongs to a list of ‘the ten most influential books in the United States.’ At the time of the author’s death in 1997, the book had sold over 10 million copies and had been translated into 24 languages”. (I boldfaced the above).<sup id=”cite_ref-InstituteVienna_3-0″ class=”reference”></sup>

Here are a few quotes from the book: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

“For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself”.

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

“For the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire… The salvation of man is through love and in love.”

The title of your thread is “Am I at the end of my journey?“- perhaps you are at the end of one journey, but at the beginning of a different journey, a journey of… (you choose it, you live it)!

I hope to read from you again.

anita

Dear Paradoxy: I am looking forward to reading and replying to your recent post addressed to me, in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear GoingThroughLife:

“I met EN through a dating app in September 2023 and we met only two times… Now it’s been a few months since we last talked and I miss her and the conversations we had. I feel like there’s a strong connection there but I don’t know how to text her or whether I should text her or not… My motive to get in touch with EN is not because of my insecurities and attachment problems but because I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her“-

– I like it that you clarified your motivation in considering texting EN. I hope that you do text her (or perhaps you already did, since yesterday), but prepare yourself ahead of time to the possibility that you text her and she tells you that she is not interested (this is a risk almost every guy takes, if not every guy!), and prepare- if she is interested- to take it slow, very slow, to get to know each other patiently, honestly, openly, bit by bit. No rushing and no getting stuck in emotions.

I hope that you will let me know how it goes.

anita

Dear Artico7:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“So you are trying to tell me that, his religion-society was always more important to him always?“- yes. He was trained to believe this way since he was a young boy.

“That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would?“-I imagine that at times he hoped that his mother will allow a marriage with you, and maybe he put in some effort into getting her approval.

“This was his whole plan all along?“- I don’t think that he was a cold-hearted man with an evil plan to use and abuse you. After all, he told his mother about you early on, and told you her answer (that marriage is not possible). So, he was honest with you about this exchange early on.

Arctic07, I know all this is very difficult for you and you are hurting at this time. I also know much of life is unfair and that as individuals, most- if not all of us- are victims to societal injustices carried on through generations. Nonetheless, I want you to shift your attitude from that of a Victim to that of a Powerful woman, one who has some power (not complete power, of course) over your life. This new attitude will ease your suffering, give you strength, and it will increase the likelihood that today, and every day, you will make the best choices from what is available to you.

“I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother, all I wanted or thought, was that someone who has honor would at least fight for the cause of his love… I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy, he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long..“?- because of his feelings for you and about you. I think that he was scared to leave you earlier partly because of how much you told him that you needed him. I think that he was afraid that if he left you (and he told you so), you would do badly in college, or quit college, or otherwise, that you will be hurt too much and you wouldn’t be able to function.

“He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows“- I think that you have let him hear a lot about your woes and sorrows (aka guilt-tripping) so that he won’t break up with you, and instead fight for you and marry you. Didn’t you?

“are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him“- no, of course not. What’s love (the feeling of love) got to do with arranged marriages anyway?

“In this whole scene, I am literally used and disposed off?“- in this whole scene, as I see it, you were not and are not a piece of trash that was disposed off. You knowingly got into an inter-faith relationship in a conservative society where such relationships are disapproved of, and like the great majority of such relationships in your society, it did not result in marriage.

“Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand up (for) me?“- no, I don’t think so.

“Could he fight for another girl? Could some other girl love him more than I did?“- my answers: no and no.

“I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family (you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then)“- I understand, and this makes me feel for you. I personally know the strong the craving for a safe, happy home.

“but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him. Or worse like it is in India, I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years, if I am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough… I am very much scared about this… Can you please help me with this?“- gently hush your anxious mind, your worries… slow down your anxious thoughts. It can be okay, even better than okay: you can find another gem, a lifetime partner, and look back at your worries with relief. But it will take courage on your part, the courage to shift your attitude to that of a powerful woman: a woman who can and will put the power that is available to her into practice, fairly and realistically.

anita

Dear GoingThroughLife:

I would like to read your recent post (and our previous communication) Sun morning, when I am more focused than I am now. It is Sat afternoon here).

anita

Dear Paradoxy:

How interestingly unique you are, ParadoxMusic, or Paradoxy as you close your posts with, and how fitting the screen name you chose for yourself:

urban dictionary. com: “Paradoxy= the state of being paradoxical. In theological terms, it’s the act of believing in something you know to be completely untrue, e.g. people who follow the norms of a religion, believing that it will make them more worthy in the eyes of a god(s) that they don’t believe actually exists”.

This is the paradoxy as I see it (I may be wrong, of course, but this is my best understanding at this point): on one hand, you deeply believe in monogamy and sex after marriage, and you believe that B is wife material (“she was actually a very good, loyal, loving, caring woman that any man would desire. She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife“), but alas, the paradox: you described an alarmingly promiscuous woman during the relationship with you, a relationship of an on-and-off pattern.

You love her, but alas, the paradox: you also love to hate her, evident in the many upper case typing.

Please pay attention to my point here: of course, the promiscuous behavior you described is appalling, it is appalling to me, so I understand you being hurt and ANGRY. But what I am referring to when I say that you love to hate her, is that you found in her someone into which to project your hate for women in general, a hate that pre-existed you meeting B. So, as I see it (and again, I may be wrong), in a sick way, she is a compatible partner for you: her promiscuity gives you the opportunity to express, or process in-a-way, your pre-existing hate.

Next, I will quote your writings during our 2020 communication. (I am the one selectively adding the boldface feature to the quotes):

March 3-4, 2020: ” I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger ‘Dark Energy‘… I like the ‘Dark Energy’ that I get when I get insulted by others“.

March 7, 2020 (the italicized is a question I asked you, to which you responded): “Technically I don’t experience pleasure when people insult me. I experience pain, which I happen to like the more I feel it. It is changing me negatively; I laugh when I see someone die in movies (especially gory deaths) while everyone else is horrified or sad. But I still don’t care… What was the pain you were already feeling? This is the pain that I was talking about in the entire topic; the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”

March 8, 2020: “I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident). You see, with this attitude I’m never going to make friends so I need help figuring out another way I could keep this personality hidden or change it so others are not creeped out”.

March 23- 25, 2020: “I don’t want to fall in love ever again. I feel that love is annoying. It can be distracting, painful and sometimes stupid and sometimes make your personality change. I grew a little bit aggressive and desperate when I realized the girl I like would say no… I wish to stop loving. If I love again, I feel like more like an idiot and a fool.”

March 20,  2024: “they (your parents) don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.”

As to the pain you mentioned on March 7 2020 (“the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”, relevant quotes: “There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me” (March 3, 2020), “Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me” (March 4, 2020), “I’ve never been cared for by another person before, including my parents and my sister” (March 13, 2020), “she (B) is the first person to have ever loved me. Not even my own parents cared for me the way she did… She was the only person who treated me like I meant something” (March 20, 2024).

Putting all the above quoted information together, seems to me that, very sadly, growing up, you were severely abused by your parents: they insulted you, rejected and isolated you, and they punished you so severely, that a neighbor took the risk of threatening them with calling social services. In addition to their abuse, they instilled in you the core belief that women are bad, dishonest people who are not to be trusted, and this is why you asked B early on if she was a gold digger, etc. (“they don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.. I told her (B) about my parents’ views and asked her if she was a gold digger or if she was manipulating me because the stories my parents were telling me started to scare me and I was worried”, March 20, 2024).

Seems to me, that the abuse by your parents created the “dark energy” you referred to, and that hate (persistent, intense anger) is big part of this dark energy. The reason you enjoyed watching people dying gory, violent deaths in movies (you mentioned a scene involving a woman dying violently) is because of the pleasure involved in revenge, revenge by proxy, in this case.

Your anger is not directed at the people who abused you (“I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me“, March 4, 2020), but at.. other people: “my anger is directed to the persons who caused this entire situation: B, Aunt 2, and the man. My first instinctive response was to go after the man, which B discouraged, but then I redirected my anger to the aunt” (March 23, 2024).

And mostly, your anger is directed at B (in the following, you are the one adding the boldface feature: ” Ma’am, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult… do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER? A LIFE PARTNER WHO HAD PROVEN COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND ONLY MAKES WISE DECISIONS THAT ONLY BENEFITS HER” (March 21, 2024)

The anger as I see it in the above quote is a twist on your anger toward your parents, who are religious, if I understand correctly. You are saying to them- by proxy of B- DON’T YOU SEE THAT ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU? ISN’T MY PURE LOVE FOR YOU EVIDENT IN MY ACTIONS, ACTIONS I TOOK TO BENEFIT YOU??!!!

As I said before, you are a very intelligent young man and you have a lot of fighting energy within you. I wish that you redirect your anger and fighting spirit to where and how it can benefit you and others (friends, future girlfriend/ wife).

anita

Dear ParadoxMusic:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“Knowing how humans are, I understood that in each relationship, she probably assumed that her partner then would be the person she would spend the rest of her life with“- here is my edited suggestion to this sentence (a suggestion for you to consider, or not): knowing how I am (and how my father is, and some other people), I understood that B is also like I am, and that she assumed what I assume.

But she has had this aunt/ family in her life who instilled some other assumptions, such as using sex as a tool, disrespecting one own’s body, that it’s okay for an aunt to prostitute her niece.

“I think it’s quite disrespectful that she spent a day with her ex partially nude right after we broke up. Anita, how would you feel if you and your partner broke up and the next day he went right back to his ex?… I don’t think this kind of behavior is a young people issue cause even adults way older than me have had these kinds of experiences with their partner“- I’d say, (1) yes, it is disrespectful, (2) youth has something to do with it: statistically, young people are more impulsive than older people, not considering the consequences of their actions and how their actions will affect others, (3)  yes, I totally understand your hurt and anger as a result of her actions, and (4) in the case of your girlfriend, the incident you described where a man gave her aunt money so to have sex with her niece, and how it transpired, with her vomiting, this story is blood chilling and extremely disturbing, and there is no reason for me to believe it was the only incident of prostitution that took place, orchestrated by her aunt, directly or indirectly.

This (item 4) means that there is a BIGGER picture here that you need to see: she needs psychological- emotional help, if she is open to it, help by a professional/ community agency that helps young women in her situation and background.

“What do you think? Should I give her another chance? I always believed that everyone deserves another chance, and as someone who knows the value of a second chance, I am tempted to give it to her, but this experience has completely changed my mind.“- I absolutely think that you should not give her another chance as a girlfriend. I strongly believe that you having sex with her again would be the wrong thing to do.. for you, but also for her.

“It is very hard for me to ignore the possibility that she intentionally chose to go along with her aunt’s plan as a rebound after our break up“- by the time she went along with her aunt’s plan, she had serious mental health issues, including a severe disrespect for her own body/ her own person. Question is: can she heal from the evil that was done to her, or will she perpetrate this evil to others (maybe to her own daughter, if she has one).

“It goes back to what I stated in the previous paragraph: how would you feel if your partner slept with another person right after you break up with them? I believe that is utter disrespect… If she was able to easily move on to the next man, I think it is reasonable to believe that she never loved me properly“- you mention respect and love. Back to the incident (which again, I have no reason to believe it to be the only one of its kind): a man who paid money to her aunt so to have sex with her niece, did what he did and she vomited (please do not repeat that description, it’s too disturbing to read yet again), where is the respect there? Did the aunt respect B when she arranged for that transaction? Did the sexual predator, a predator of girls/ women: did he respect B?

How about love, where was the love? You expect respect and love from a young woman who was shown the opposite of love and respect. I am not saying that you should accept the absence of love and respect from B, or from anyone else. What I am saying is that you should no longer consider resuming a sexual relationship with her, and that she gets the help she needs, professional/ community help that does not involve a sexual transaction.

“Ma’am, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult“- yes, physically, she is a full grown adult, an so are you.

“Yes you stated that she probably felt indebted to her aunt for taking care of her. But do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner“- her future life partner is not yet known, and there may not be one. She doesn’t yet have a life partner, but she’s had a aunt in her life for two decades.

” (I)… who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER?… A MAN OF GOD“- if you choose to love her still, make your love indeed pure and godly (the gentle version, not the angry/vengeful version of god): no sex with her.

“How can any husband, father, or brother bear the pain of knowing that their wife, daughter or sister was sold off by a relative for sex work?“- sex work that wouldn’t take place if there were no husbands, fathers, and brothers who pay for sex, many who are sexual predators. Your anger is directed at the women.. not at the men?

“She lied to me for a year anita. She could be lying about some of the specifics too, I would never know… How can I bear this pain? How can I ever get over this?… there was another incident with another man, which I forgot to mention earlier. There was another man… Can you see what is happening anita? It’s literally a pattern.. You really cannot tell me that she is not doing this pattern intentionally. There is no way in hell that she did not do this intentionally“- she could be lying, could be manipulating.. likely, as is most often the case, she started a victim, 100% victim, and over the years of disrespect and abuse, turns perpetrator, to one extent or another, and she is still a combination of both. It’s up to each one of us to heal best we can from the first, and do no harm to others.

I understand your anger, but I can’t side with you in saying that B is the Bad One, and you are the Good One. The two of you (true to myself as well), share both, or three things, using the title of a movie, “the good, the bad, and the ugly“.

You want her to change.. but can you change yourself: to endure your pain and anger, and commit to be part of the solution, not part of the problem, that is, to commit yourself to love, not to hate?

“No matter what hard lifestyle she had, I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better. It is not fair that I am being a very loyal, caring man to her“- you see yourself as a very loyal, caring man to her, but you are also a very angry man, angry at her.  You shouldn’t try and be in a loving, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman you hate.

“EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN. LIKE HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE? AND I DID… THIS IS PURE STUPIDITY… Should I give her another chance?“- what do you think?

anita