How are you, Arctic07?

Dear YOR:

You are welcome!

I just re-read your first post and I was wondering in regard to what you shared here: “I was always told that I get angry and I am short tempered… Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together“- do you mean that during the relationship with him, you were repeatedly angry and short tempered with him (although you loved him).. maybe raising your voice at him, shaming him with words, perhaps?

I ask, not because I have reason to believe so (you appear kind and empathetic in your writing), but just so to address this possibility for a better understanding on my part. I hope that you are okay with me addressing this possibility.

Back to your 2nd post: “He did not like my friends so I had to create distance between my friends… He has a lot of friends“- I wonder, what did he dislike about your friends, and what kinds of friends does he have, what’s the nature of their friendships (if you know)?

“It is difficult to imagine life without him because he is all that I had… I have not slept properly since the day we separated… I feel like saving our relationship in some way. I clearly know that he is not interested in me, and still, I think about him and us. I know this is extremely insane and stupid on my part“- it’s not stupid on your part, there is a saying: the heart wants what the heart wants, and there is no reasoning when it comes to a deep, intense longing for another person.

Please aim at resuming your pre-breakup sleep quality, there are practices that can help, such as listening to calming guided meditations at bedtime. Sleeping better will help your state of mind and heart.

“Also, he recently texted my mother to let me know that I shall quickly remove my stuff from his apartment… I am having a tough time to collect it… I am wondering if I shall contact him once regarding my things at his apartment, but I am scared that it will affect me mentally and emotionally a lot.“- what about him mailing the stuff to you, or dropping it at your place when you are at work, so that there is no personal contact?

anita

Dear antarkala:

I read your recent post but being that it’s late (Tues) afternoon here and I am not as focused as I need to be, I would like to re-read and reply Wed morning. Please feel free to add anything you’d like to add so to lead me to better understanding. I will say tis one thing now: I am sure that you are not (!) using your trauma as an excuse!

anita

Dear Stacy:

* Health anxiety disclaimer and warning!

How sensitive and considerate of you to put a health disclaimer and warning at the beginning of your post!

“The sinus infection I had in January ended up lasting over two and a half months, and two different antibiotics didn’t help or clear it… it triggered my health anxiety a lot and made me feel helpless if I were to come down with something much more severe that would call for antibiotics again“- I suppose a health anxiety disclaimer would be more exact than health disclaimer (at the beginning of your yesterday’s post.. coming to think about it, I’ll put one at the beginning of this post). For a person suffering from health anxiety, reading about other people’s health problems and symptoms can easily trigger anxiety and new worries.

Physical health problems and health anxiety fuel each other: the more physical health problems, the more health anxiety; the more anxiety, the higher the likelihood for physical health problems.

“The new (ENT, a surgical specialist for conditions of the head and neck) was nice and advised I get a needle biopsy of my swollen lymph nodes, so I’m doing that this Friday. I’ve been anxious about that… (plus) my thyroid levels were out of whack, and my cholesterol was high. Today my pap results came back and they found abnormal squamous cells, and even worse, HPV. I immediately fell apart and had to go to my car and cry over…

“Not only that, but my sister was just recently sued by a credit card company from an over 10 year old debt… and the house has been extremely tense. And on top of it all, I’ve just been trying to continue juggling both jobs as before, but now working about 50 hours a week… I hope you have been doing well since my absence!“-

– it’s amazing how you continue to be considerate and kind, generally, and in regard to your recent post, at the beginning and at the end of it,  even though you are so busy and experience so much anxiety/ stress. We talked about how stressful life for you is at home, with your family- way before the recent credit card problem. I can’t think of something that you need more than living in calm circumstances, and on a regular basis. Ongoing anxiety and stress mess with physical health.

If you lived in a calm place, the old anxiety would still be going on, but you’d have a chance to work on it and lessen it with new practices. I am almost sure I mentioned it to you before, but the practice of Tai-Chi ca do wonders to slow down that unhealthy rush aka fight-or-flight experience inherent in anxiety.

I am doing better, started my own thread on Anxiety and it helps me. I hope that your Friday medical appointment goes well, and that your health and health anxiety improve!

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

“I also want to mention honestly that, these days I feel jealous of my extrovert friends and I hate that I do. I love them and I want to see them happy. The fact that I’m feeling jealous is killing me – why do you think I am feeling this way?“- I figure, because you wish that you had it as easy as they seem to have it, wishing that socializing was as easy for you as it is (or appears to be) for them. Anxiety in general, and social anxiety in particular, rains on one’s parade, so to speak.

“I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you and I know it unconsciously influenced me…. I lived till 24 with my parents and I am very attached to them, I trusted they always will do the best for me… I don’t know what truth to believe in and how to take a decision. It is making me very indecisive and anxious“-

– she shouldn’t have said it. I suppose she has very high expectations of you and for you, wanting the very best for you. Problem is that the very best for you is to have confidence in your ability to make good choices for yourself. By telling you that he’s not good-enough for you, she’s giving you the message that you are not making a good choice.. and that leads you to feel very indecisive and anxious.

Parents are often not aware of how they come across, and how they negatively affect their children while wanting the best for them.

“I have become aware of this recently and this makes my decision making even harder – what do I trust now, who do I trust now?“- just like I suggested that you take your boyfriend off the pedestal, I am suggesting that you do the same in regard to your parents. It doesn’t mean that you stop loving them, of course. It’s just that you need to do this so to trust yourself to make good choices, to evaluate people correctly, to socialize well, etc., to believe that you are a competent, able adult, no longer a child dependent on her parents for guidance.

Part of taking them off the pedestal is to see that they have made the wrong choices themselves, that they make mistakes too. No one always makes good decisions, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Don’t expect perfection from anyone, not from your parents, not from your boyfriend, and not from yourself.

I hope that your parents do not generally present themselves as perfect, and never admit that they were wrong, or that they make mistakes (that can make taking them off the pedestal more difficult than otherwise).

“How do you think I should approach this situation. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, I don’t want to weaken him by showing my disappointment but at the same time, the reality that I expect my partner to help me out in social situation doesn’t change – how can I talk about this with him in a healthy way?“-

– first, do not express to him that you are disappointed in his social functioning, that will achieve the opposite of what you want to achieve: he will be less capable, not more. Secondly, identify a very specific, practical way in which you want him to help you, something that’s doable for him, instead of asking for help in a vague way. An example (and this is just an example), instead of saying: I would like you to help me feel more comfortable in the party tonight, say: when I am standing in a group with people at the party, can you stand by my side and hold my hand?

I hope to continue to communicate with you, for as long as you find it helpful.

anita

Dear Stacy:

I didn’t read all, but I too was diagnosed with HPV, and nothing came out of it, nothing at all. I was also diagnosed with a big tumor by my ovary (about 3 years ago), I thought I was dying, but turned out to be benign fibroids that exited the uterus and landed by an ovary (the pleasure of being a female, lol),  so nothing came out of it, other than a thousand dollars+ bill. I will read and reply further in the morning (Mon night here), good night/ morning, Stacy, and so good reading from you again!

anita

Dear Kshiti:

Yes, what if you re-read my posts so far, in your thread, and take notes, then come up with a clear, organized paper listing practical things that you can do to help yourself, things that do not involve going to the doctor, or spending money? Then show me that paper, on the screen, that is, will you?

anita

Dear Paradoxy:

“She (B) always reads the bible and prays almost everyday. I don’t think she would go against the bible’s rules… I am pretty sure B would have slept with her manager to keep her job“-paradoxical: sexually promiscuous on one hand, always reading the bible on the other; would sleep with her manager on one hand, would not go against the bible’s rules, on the other.

“One of my friends told me that he could feel the negative energy radiating off me, and I ranted to him about what she(B) did…  So am I the problem?… combined with my Dark Energy influence, being the source of pain to others became the core belief of my existence. God’s failed experiment, I call myself. Ironically my real name is Godwin but in reality I am a loser.“- it breaks my heart to read this.

Dear Godwin: I have no doubt that there was nothing wrong with you when you were born, in the very beginning of your life, you were not the problem, there was no dark energy in you.  You were not god’s failed experiment. You started feeling this way and continued to feel this way as a reaction to a series of happenings in your very young life and onward. And indeed, from one point on, like your friend observed (and I as well, reading your posts), you do often radiate negative energy.

I hope that you no longer find some comfort or pleasure in this dark energy, so that you will be motivated to exorcise it, so to speak, and replace it with the light you were born to radiate to the world!

anita