Dear Seaturtle:

“And it was this moment my mom revealed to me that she had slept that that guy a year ago that was suppose to meet me for a date..“- this is giving my saying a literal meaning (a blushing and sad face emoji

“Family really has the power to bring you higher or lower and why they choose lower, I have no idea“- so to bring themselves higher. In the above example, I am guessing that your mother told you because she was afraid at the time that someone else will tell you, she felt anxious about it, and so to feel better herself, to feel calmer, she told you. The result: she felt calmer (higher) and you felt somewhat distressed (lower), I imagine.

“and hope I do not do that to them..“- keep your 3rd eye chakra open and your crown chakra working (with approved breaks and sleep time, of course), and you will continue to not elevate/ help yourself by lowering/ hurting them.

Dear Lunaryogini:

You are very welcome and thank you fore your kindness and grace. Indeed we all have work to do on ourselves. Anytime you’d like to post again, please do, and I too wish you the very best!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am looking forward to replying to you when I am bright eyed and bushy tailed, hoping this would be my condition tomorrow morning. Continue to heal and recover this afternoon, evening and night!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Thank you for the warning. I doubt that your rant will bring me down, but we’ll see (I am reading and replying to one part before reading the next)

“no complications, I am resting and healing” this and the funny face emoji are bringing me up, at this point.

“My time in the hospital was a little traumatizing… I had my first of many panic attacks, just tried to control my breathe but couldn’t stop tears. 24 hrs. no food and blood being drawn from someone who didn’t seem to know what she was doing, I felt exposed and alone, the other nurse was kinder and attempted to comfort me (the only comforting nurse I would see my whole visit). They did not tell me they were administering me the anesthesia…  I was jarred awake form the anesthesia by loud noises around me, I was in the hallway for 2 hours as my post-surgery room was not ready. By the time I made it to my room I was awake, feeling the pain and pressing my call button as instructed, for pain medicine, my nurse kept saying she was on her way and it took 1 1/2 hrs. for someone to get to me with the pain medication, at that point I was crying of the pain and the nurse just had this very smug face. She was smiling…which I thought was so weird cause I was crying and she told me ‘you don’t have to cry, stop crying ok?’ this made me feel worse, I felt she had no empathy…“- wow! Poor medical care, makes me think it’s to a large extent a result of overcrowded hospitals and the severe shortage of nurses in the U.S., which leads to unskilled nurses working, as well as all nurses being overworked and not afraid to lose their jobs because there’s this shortage.. so, poor quality care for poor Seaturtle.

Happy belated birthday to Seaturtle’s roommate!

“My morning began with my brother in a manic state, texting me that he wanted to text N!… Within 24hrs I had a surgery and 3 family members cause me un-needed pain, my dad calling me self absorbed, my brother sympathizing with my emotional abuser, and my grandma being completely emotion-less (typical of her). Then I told my mom about my dad saying I was self absorbed and she thought this was the right timing to bring up a time when she thought I was“- this makes me think fondly of a saying I came up with.. all by myself (proud of it): sometimes (often, really) Family is just another F word.

“Personally, I have always admired people who were able to go take moments to themselves, be independent and present. So to me, I want to be that way, I like that about myself. I used to be such a people pleaser and I don’t want to live my life for other people“- I support you in this, absolutely!

“I just feel like I am misunderstood, but that worries me that something is wrong with how I am doing things when so many people are saying the same thing“- by “so many people”, you mean your family members? If so, consider that families are quickly to label individuals within as this or that, and the label persists within the family, and so, individuals are discouraged from growing and becoming more than a label.

“To me, I need to love me to love others, and keep my crown chakra open. I think the people in my family don’t love themselves, they are judgmental and self righteous”- like I said, Family is … (I would have inserted an emoji here if I knew how)

“Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell“- she is too magnificent to hide in her shell for long!

To your next post: pick up your things from N when the time is right for you, your things, your ex, your timing.

“He (F) is very skilled at this, which is why for so long I thought I was wrong, because he ‘sounded’ so fair. He would call himself ‘fair’ too, he calls himself ‘easy to approach and reason with,’ but we all know it is not true“- he has a very skillful Public Relations agent working for him (himself), skillfully misrepresenting him.

“I want to be able to spot his adjustments, and with an open third eye I will continue to. Even his last message, to agree to disagree, I rolled my eyes to myself, but just let the conversation end there, so that right there was an ‘adjustment,’ that I spotted“- good job spotting! He exits conflicts on equal ground (lets agree to disagree) when he fails to exit on superior ground (I am right, you are wrong!).. but never humbly, as in saying: you are right, Seaturtle. I was wrong… unless his PR agent thinks it will serve him well to fake the latter approach, is what I am thinking.

“Something I am curious about, so on his birthday last week I texted him happy birthday, and that I was thankful to have an entrepreneurial dad to watch, it gave me confidence that one day I can start my own thing and don’t necessarily need to work for someone. His response was very love-bomby at 8pm, so possibly very intoxicated he responded: ‘I’m soooo proud of you… now and forever (another kissing emoji)’ He wasn’t like this before, when I lived with him, this love bombing is a new thing and I wonder why? Curious Seaturtle“-

– I guess he was very flattered by what you said and rewarded you for flattering him (this is in line with his PR agent’s policy). Do you mean that when you lived with him, you used to flatter him but he did not respond similarly to the above?

By the way, your posts did not bring me down because I know that even when you are going through a difficult time, you are resourceful and your 3rd eye chakra is open. Notice this: the Seaturtle who wanted to hide in her shell in the closing of your first post today, was out of her shell, curious to see/ learn new things only 18 minutes later, closing your second post with Curious Seaturle!

anita

Resubmitted (to clear excess print):

Dear alette:

“When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

“Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.

”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…

“Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.

”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-

– This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I hope that you are not experiencing any post surgery complications…. how are you?

anita

Dear Lunaryogini:

“He says he would be willing to take a polygraph test to prove that he hasn’t cheated on me as well” (June 2023)- I didn’t read this part earlier this morning, so, it’s interesting that he already brought up the polygraph test idea.

“The reason he lied was because he was scared of my reaction because he knew I was very uptight about anything to do with his ex-wife… he is scared of my reaction if he would just tell me the truth“- in every man there is a scared little boy who is scared of a woman’s anger.

“This morning, I was looking over our shared bank accounts and something came up along the lines of ‘EV raffle’ for $230 so I questioned him about it.  He lied and said that he did it last year… I don’t think $230 is a big deal but I am feeling very hurt and betrayed that he would lie to me about something so silly like this…We share finances, run two businesses together“- I don’t understand the reason behind this lie… have you been in the habit of criticizing his personal and business financial purchases and choices?

“I tend to have big reactions to things like this so his fear in my reaction is justifiable” (June 2023)- big reactions such as raising your voice, getting emotional/ angry… interrogating him like a harsh detective interrogating a suspect?

“I know this lack of trust stems from something inside myself, my past, my upbringing… I was and still am very traumatized by the fact that he lied to me about all of this, which happened back in late 2020/2021” (Feb 11, 2024)- You were in your late 20s back in 2020-21. I wonder who lied to you 20 years earlier, when you were a child, a lie so distressing that it traumatized you for years to come…?

“For about four months I kept having these invasive nightmares of him cheating on me with his ex-wife. One night he finally admitted that there was more as far as there being several times that she came to the house to visit the cats/etc. He promises that he never was with her intimately.“- he admitted and promised, but he can’t admit wrongdoings that someone else (a parent perhaps) did to you and make promises in the name of that person. It never works for us when, as adults, we try to retroactively resolve childhood traumas by proxy of a romantic partner.

“I am very avoidant and always threaten him with leaving the relationship“- it is abusive on your part to always threaten him, isn’t it?

“I am also an independent woman and own a condo that I am renting to his brother, but I am always fantasizing about just getting my condo back and leaving my partner because I don’t fully trust him“- because you don’t trust him and because you are angry at him and want to punish him…?

“His ex-wife has been completely out of his life for two years now since he gave their cats to her, but I am still traumatized by the lying/having things hid from me… last night I had another one of those invasive nightmares… I don’t know if this is stemming from my own fears, PTSD from the lying or if my intuition is trying to communicate something with me. Any outside advice here would be very much appreciated. Thank you for witnessing and reading my share“-

– You are welcome. You mentioned PTSD originating from being lied to by this man, in your late 20s. Are you familiar with the concept (and diagnosis) of Complex PTSD, which is about suffering repeated trauma experienced in childhood? I suffer from C-PTSD, and I know how heavily and terribly it affected the great majority of my adult life.

anita

Dear allette:

I hope that you are feeling better today..?

You shared that you’ve been in a relationship with your boyfriend for 2 years. A month ago, he told you “that he is not feeling the same way anymore“. You asked him “what brought the problem“?, and “he said it (is) nothing, his feelings are not just the same, and he feels like we should break up as he doesn’t want a recurrence in the future“.

The two of you then agreed “to work out for a month on the connection“,  and the result, 2 weeks later: “he said there is an improvement but not enough… he said he need some space to navigate through his feelings“.

The two of you then took a 2-weeks break, which ended yesterday (Sat, Feb 10), when he told you that “there is no way to save our relationship“. The two of you agreed “to meet for a dialogue“, but he postponed meeting you, and by yesterday afternoon (your 2nd post), you did not meet for a dialogue, “he doesn’t want to explain anything… we have really never actually talked seriously about what is happening to us now“.

I will be trying to bring up possibilities in the following quotes & comments as to what’s been happening in your relationship. These are only possibilities based on the little information that you provided in only 2 posts:

“When I told him it’s gonna be a long talk, he simply said ‘no it’s not‘. Why can’t we just hear each other out?“- you did not ask or suggest to him that the two of you will have a talk, and a long talk at that.. you told him. And like a child who does not like to be told what to do/ to be bossed around, he said: NO, IT’S NOT (going to be a long talk)..?

“We have the most perfect relationship…   By perfect I mean, We really never had a heated argument. We always try to solve the problem immediately“- there were arguments (although not heated arguments). I wonder how those arguments were resolved and if they were resolved to his satisfaction. Maybe some heat built up in him during many (?) not quite resolved arguments, and that heat caused him to end the relationship eventually.

Maybe he is and has been a selfish, heartless man who does not care about most or all other people, including about his girlfriend of 2 years. Maybe he felt powerless in the relationship (for valid and/ or invalid reasons) and wants his power back…?

anita