Dear Simon:

Since my summary post in your thread, you added the following information: you live in the UK where you view people/ life to be “so materialistic… without any depth to it, so shallow… cars, houses, holidays, everything seems to be a competition that I don’t want to be in… not good enough for me or  authentic“.

As a barber for 20 years, you felt not good enough because you didn’t do a traditional apprenticeship, and as a chef running your own business, you give yourself no credit because  you didn’t go to culinary college. You never felt good  enough in relationships either, “I’ve never felt good enough in any way shape or form hating on myself for 34 years“. You are  judgmental of yourself and of others (it’s 2 sides of the same coin: judgmental of self/ judgmental of others).

You have “ADHD and anxiety issues.. catastrophize everything“, a “tortured soul“, and you are “in physical pain constantly from my feet all the way to my eyelids, years of standing on my feet“. You enjoy holidays with your family, but less so since your little girls are no longer little girls (now 18 and 17)- “the last few years things are not the same“.

“Everything I have ever done has been rush, rush, rush, my jobs even gave me an opportunity to rush barbering cutting hair as quickly as I can,  to make money cooking in my cafe quickly making meals to get people in and out of the restaurant…  I’m afraid of running out of time. I had kids for my grandparents so they would get to see them before they passed… It’s scary to try and just stop and not rush, but I think it’s the only choice I have which is why I feel that escaping to a monastery for a year would help“-

– I like the idea of you staying in a monastery for a short while because for one, you’d be off your feet, giving your body the rest it needs, and secondly, it’s a quiet place, especially if monastic silence is practiced. I imagine it’s noisy in your busy cafe/ busy life. It’d be nice to have silence instead, for a while.

You’ve experienced noise since your childhood, a disturbing, distressing kind of noise: “extreme shouting and swearing… sounded pretty violent” (when your parents were fighting, from what you shared Feb 2022). I am guessing that their violent shouting and swearing translated to Noise Within you, expressing itself as ADHD, and severe self-judgment ,the latter translating to the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which you mentioned back in Feb, 22: having to do everything perfectly, an impossibility long-term, leading to constant failures at achieving perfection, and as a result.. more self-judgment, more Noise Within.

Your Rushing Habit, as I called it, is perhaps about you trying to run away from the Noise Within.

The problem with your idea of escaping to a monastery for a year, is that a year is a very long time. It may be that you are currently rushing to a 1-year stay in a monastery without thinking it through. Back in Feb 2022, you shared that you are afraid to be alone (“I’m just too afraid to be alone“), that you’ve been afraid to be left alone since you were a child: “lying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark, wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life“.

You may feel very alone in a monastery day after day, month after month, a whole year, no one to talk to..?

* I suppose there is such a thing as good noise and bad noise: the first is peaceful, accepting, forgiving, enduring; the second is violent, rejecting,  critical, judgmental.

Which reminds me: you shared back in Feb 2022, in regard to your wife: “I swear at her… it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults“- is this .. bad noise still happening?

anita

* Just as I was to submit the above, I noticed that you added a post: “... whoever you all are, when I get these wonderful replies to my messages I fall in love with you. Why does this happen to me? my heart actually yearns for whoever you are to help me and I feel you can heal my life for me. I feel this way about lots of things careers, people, cars and motorbikes. I’ve read that this is an ADHD trait I hope this doesn’t put anyone off replying to me.”– no, it doesn’t discourage me from replying to you. I think that the reason you get hopeful about being helped and healed is because you need help and healing. Connecting this to my post above: you very much need to replace bad noise with good noise.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and grace!

“This is what I wrote in my journal just a few minutes back- ‘Sometimes it appears like I am living in a state of constant fear… anxious about not doing enough, not making the best out of this opportunity… that I have been able to do nothing and others are doing far better than me“- the pressure to do more, to make the best out of this opportunity, to do as well or better than others- is causing you anxiety.

“What is the result? I feel that I am always rushing, that I am lagging behind“- I read that Rushing and Being late/ lagging behind are two sides of the same coin.

“A part of me feels constant fatigue, partially because from the past two months my sleep pattern has been really bad…“- I checked, it’s 1:40 am where you are (at the time I submit this post). The pressure and the anxiety that goes with it is exhausting you.

If.. if you truly, deeply understand how harmful pressure is for you, how it is congruent with failure, (and incongruent with success), is there a way for you to form the intent to remove any and all pressure from your mind, as in saying: if I fail, I fail, so be it..?

“I am not anyways very good in socializing“- no wonder, being that you are under so much stress, and so exhausted.

“I have exams in less than two weeks of time, that is also adding on some stress“- removing the unnecessary, harmful pressure from your mind-  will lower your stress level and promote your chances to do better academically.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I wasn’t amazing myself in a positive way“- I know you meant negatively, but you amaze me positively.

“One day I’m sure we’ll cross antlers on a subject but it isn’t a reason to hurt one another over… I can assure you that I will not be thinking meanly, or wanting to hurt you. If we do, I’ll remind you we’re just deer having a little tangle with our pointy horns“- we already crossed antlers at the start, I am impressed by how well we handled it!

I have an image of a mousy brown-fur deer with very dark brown, almost black eyes and pointy horns, crossing antlers with me.. is that you, SadSoul, are you a fellow deer (dear)?

“I did a strange thing yesterday. I bought some clothes. I went to the cheap department store and had a bit of a shop up. It was desperately needed. My clothes are full of holes“- we have this in common as well, my clothes are full of holes, and I desperately need new (or no-holes old) clothes!

“I got so many bargains. And in my favourite colours too“- what are your favorite colors? Mine is just one: turquoise.

“Do your eyes have flecks of gold and green in them? The offspring with hazel eyes has“- last I looked into my eyes, it was just green, no gold (in addition to the brown).

“I promise you my eyes don’t turn on anyone with the things your mother’s did“- I like that, and that it’s a promise.

“Eyes. A window to the soul. For so many years sad black eyes filled with tears“- sad black eyes filled with tears, a window to your Soul. Even if/ when I get to know your real name (which has no s in it), I think that I’d prefer to call you SadSoul.

“but just these few weeks crinkled almost shut with laughter, beginning to see life again“- this brought a smile to my face, and I just noticed the sound of a bird chirping outside.

“I imagine sanctimonious people have large, pointy, slightly hooked noses, held up in the air with their self importance dripping out with drops of runny snoot. Hahaha. I’m picturing myself with this now. Much laughter now hahaha“-  I told you sometime ago that English is not my first language (and my attention and memory are compromised), so I am not aware of the connotation of words I use, if I hardly use them… I just looked up “sanctimonious“, and it is not a negative connotational word, its definition is negative: pretending to be morally better than other people/ making a hypocritical show of religious devotion. I didn’t mean that about you. (Please remember this point next time I use big/ uncommonly used words).

Runny snoot running out of large hooked sanctimonious noses.. you are hilarious, SadSoul!

“My father was much more than insulting… the scared weird child me doing my best to survive by being sorry and all that. The other half I’m relieved he’s gone and I don’t have to face seeing him, what it did to my mind and heart“- the scared child SadSoul.. she isn’t weird at all.

“Tell me something lovely in your day. Tell me something awful in your day. Tell me something indifferent in your day! Dear Anita!“- the curtains are covering the windows right now, let me open them.. Lovely: lots and lots of green outside, hardly anything but shades of green. (I am considering elevating green to a favorite color status). I hear birds chirping, different sounds, different birds. Not lovely/ awful: itchy insects bites on my lower legs, the kind that when hit by hot water, it’s a crazy- crazy- making sensation.. Have to put on insect repellent every time I am on the grass/ green when the temperatures are high enough to awaken blood feasting insects.

Good having a chat with you this afternoon (here), SadSoul!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I completely amaze myself sometimes“- you completely amaze me too sometimes, in positive ways.

“I have the attention span of a gnat“- you are funny, to me (again, in a positive way).

“I’m good. Not as overworked so far this week!“- good!

“I just didn’t want you to be worrying you’d says the wrong thing. In truth I think you said a whole lot of amazing things that express emotions that need to find a way out of you“- thank you! I had a talk with myself before I dared reading your replies: first, a voice said: SadSoul will be angry with me for projecting my mother into her!, and I felt some anxiousness about it. I then said to myself: but I told SadSoul that I was projecting, that it’s not her I got angry with when I typed a word in big print, I have let her know! I calmed down some and started reading your 2 posts.

“I think we’re fairly much on the same page. Just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here“- that’s a biggie: to not be alone, to be on the same page with another person. Makes me smile.

“I read your thread and agree. Half a century. But we get to start shaping the other half century to be a bit different. That’s what I’m thinking and hoping on“- shaping today to be a bit different is what I am hoping for, one day, one night at a time.

“My heart has stopped hurting for some long stretches just lately. Thank you for asking me and I feel like there might be winds of change blowing through me“- this is the best part of what I am reading so far!!!

“How are you going, dear Anita? So you can picture a little of me, like I can of you now, I have very dark brown almost black eyes. I have mouse brown hair with lots of grey“- I am pretty calm this morning. I just googled the meaning and images of “mouse brown hair”, somewhere between dark blond and light brown.. just a bit darker than I imagined. Very dark brown, almost black eyes… like my (brace yourself!) my mother’s (ahhhhhhhhhhh). Mine are brown with some hazel.

“I really do want to know how you are and more about who you are“- we can keep exchanging little details like the above.

“When I was 13 or 14 my father told me my hair was mouse brown… In the same lecture, he also told me I would end up barefoot and pregnant at a young age, just like my mother… I wondered why he didn’t get her some shoes“- funny, Funny SadSoul!

“Sometimes I feel so guilty I cut ties. But then I remember the mouse brown barefoot pregnant me he predicted and I feel so righteous!“- when you cut ties with him, you cut ties from a man who insulted you and more, that was fair, righteous, sanctimonious Sad Soul!

anita

Dear Meatball:

It’s 7:08 pm here (west coast), and good to read (!) that you cancelled her flights for the trip, and having a friend (a real friend) replace her.

“This time I’m staying strong and doing what needs to be done“- this is Strong You!

I am well, thank you, and I feel better for reading/ feeling your strength!

May the Force be with you! (a Star Wars saying).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Yes you. You are a special person. I’ll keep saying this until there is a small part of you that feels special. I’ll keep saying this after then in the hopes a bigger part of you can feel special“- it feels as if (it’s hard for me to find the words), as if you are my mother, not that mother, but .. a mother for me, and strangely, I feel as if (and I know it’s not true), as if you are looking down at me with pity, as an inferior specimen. I am typing this as-I-think, and again, please understand that I know this is not what is happening, I know that you are not pitying me and trying to send me a message that is negative in any way.

What I am doing here is exploring my reaction, letting it be, as I type, not knowing what I will be typing next.

I can’t trust a positive sentiment sent my way, or I should say, it is difficult for me to accept it, to take it in, particularly from a woman.

The message that I am positively special, a message not sent with a condescending attitude.. what does it mean?

I mean, I roamed the world feeling negatively special, or unspecial for decades, my whole youth spent in unspecial, and NOW you say I am special?

As I typed the NOW, I felt anger, and it was directed to my mother projected into you, for a moment (not you): NOW you say I am (postively) special? Where were you all these years, these **** decades?

“I’m sorry we have to skip to the adult you before this happened to you, and I understand how hard it is to take on when your childhood tips you the opposite so you lived un-special for your adulthood. We will both get there“- I wrote the above before I attentively read this part. You understand.

“I imagine that your hair is dirty blond nope (with grey yes), that you are about 1.70 meter tall nope, no to little make up yes, very light skin nope; wild sport: 2-person canoe riding nope..”- haha, hilarious!!! Smiling. Okay, so, with grey hair, little to no makeup, so far like me. And we both don’t do canoes (I won a canoe in a supermarket raffle afew years ago, didn’t use it, not even once).

“Thank you for giving me a starting point on who my invisible friend is!”- you are welcome. I gave you the wrong height though, more like 167-8 cem (5’5”).

“No no no no! It’s not embarrassing. Shzz happens and this sounds pretty scary and it’s not embarrassing. People aren’t like your mother, judging with mean spiritedness and a small nasty mind. So please, please, instead know that people care when others have accidents and get hurt. Please don’t feel guilty. I understand these emotions because they’re my life’s masterpiece, but they’re wrong wrong, wrong. Gotta not hang onto bad rubbish they gave us.“- I noticed the part of “people care” yesterday, and it made me incredulous. I don’t think it crossed my mind Fri, when my hand got cut, that caring may be sent my way, so used to being alone with emotional pain, unseen, uncared for.. it just didn’t cross my mind.

I’ve been too alone for too long.

Thank you, SadSoul.

How are you these days, as far as being overworked and otherwise?

anita

Thank you, SadSoul. I will soon be leaving for a hike and be back to you late afternoon (it’s morning here).

anita