Dear Jana:

It is inspiring to read about your ever-expanding self-awareneas, as well as your understanding of other people.

I wish you a year of further and farther-reaching expressions of the suppressed Jana of previous years.

I wish myself the same

Anita

Post # 2: What you shared in this thread about your mother and your relationship with her (in parentheses are my clarifications):

“My mom was the only one trying to accommodate (my father), change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings…She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right…. I’m still taking care of my elderly (including my mother) and feel guilty leaving them. Talking to my mother seems pointless at this stage. It always ends up in some kind of argument and pointing all my past mistakes…My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog, and it feels like a manipulation with my feelings… She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Every time she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character …She always gives examples of daughters whose parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married… Every time her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that… It is mostly those little statements that my family (including my mother) always used on me: don’t talk, stay quiet, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dad) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc… My mom’s dog is a COVID baby as she got him around that time. She rescued him and had to pay a lot of money as the place did not want to keep him due to his appearance… Nobody wanted him but my mother showed her loving heart and took him… To be fair to my mother, yes, she did meet (my ex-fiancé) and his kids in person… So, my mother stayed for 2 weeks in (my ex-fiancé’s) house to cook, clean as the kids were small and he could not do much (he did not want to pay for babysitter or any help). My mother did it for free… My mother refused after hearing his conditions and refusal of getting married civilly. She thinks that religious marriage is not enough nowadays and giving up my rights as a wife is an insult to her and to me…The problem is that if (my mother) gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me… She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point, and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks… about my mother standing up for me and herself, no.… At home, it got worse. I finally gathered strength to book a trip away from it all but then I had to cancel it. My mother promised to stay with the dog. It all looked well but then her moodiness came back and said no. She said that she has other more important commitments. It is not the first time that I sacrificed my plans for her but this time she was really mean. She provokes fights all the time. One moment she protects my father, the other moment she talks bad things about him. Then keeps reminding me about all my mistakes with men and life. Last night I had a really bad breakdown. I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t talk. I had pain in my whole body. I started to cry and just ran out of my home. I felt like finishing it all. I couldn’t stand this pressure anymore. She run after me to stop me and pretended to faint. I returned and suddenly she was ok. But I wasn’t. She went to sleep but I couldn’t. Something happened that night and I feel a wreck. I don’t feel like me anymore both physically and emotionally.”

Dear Tom:

Happy New Year! 🎉

I’m sorry to read that you’ve been battling the flu—I hope you’re feeling much better very soon. It’s good that you’re taking today to rest before heading back to work. Just take it one step at a time, and I hope the new year brings you better days ahead!

anita

Dear Kinga:

Thank you for sharing your story and conundrum with us. Your self-awareness and commitment to healing are truly commendable. It’s clear that you have put a lot of thought into understanding your patterns and working on yourself, which is an important step towards finding the right relationship.

It’s understandable that you feel torn between accepting some areas of incompatibility with the wonderful men in your life and holding out for a relationship that offers complete intellectual, emotional, and physical compatibility. This is a common dilemma for many people who are on a journey of self-discovery and growth.

One thing to consider is that no relationship is perfect, and there will always be some areas where partners might not align perfectly. However, it’s important to determine what aspects are non-negotiable for you and what areas you might be willing to compromise on without sacrificing your core values and needs.

Your ongoing healing and self-improvement journey through therapy, meditation, journaling, and reading are incredibly valuable. As you continue to grow and gain clarity, you might find that your perspective on relationships evolves as well.

You wrote: “Instead of acting like a mature, intelligent, strong self, I began to feel anxious, act insecure and overly nice, over-communicating, and completely lost perspective”-

– your description reflects a shift from your mature, intelligent, and strong self to a state dominated by anxiety, insecurity, and over-compensation, a change in behavir that can hinder authentic connections. Being overly nice often means going out of one’s way to please others, trying too hard to be agreeable and accommodating, which can come off as inauthentic or desperate. Over-communicating involves excessive messaging, calling, or sharing more than is necessary, driven by a need for reassurance or fear of losing the other person’s interest.

Losing perspective means failing to see the bigger picture, getting caught up in emotions and losing sight of rational thinking, which can lead to actions that are out of character and decisions that don’t align with her values and goals.

Possible Reasons for this experience: Fear of Rejection, of being Hurt or Judged, Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism (believing one needs to be perfect to be loved).

If you would like to share more about this, you are welcome to do so, and I will reply further.

Warm regards, anita

Dear Beni:

Yes, let’s set sails for 2025!

Ever since I read your first post (on June 18, 2023, in your 1st of 3 threads), I found you interesting and difficult (for me) to understand. I want to try to understand you better today. If I understand you better, I get to understand myself better because we are two human beings and therefore, we have a whole lot in common. With better understanding, it’s likely to be a better sailing for 2025..

I hope that you don’t mind the length (or content) of this post (?) You are welcome to choose to read it or not, and if you proceed to read, you can stop reading at any time, and you are welcome to respond, or to not respond to the following.

I will start with what you shared yesterday: “I feel a bit shy to be more active here. It seems I can be active here being more or less authentic. I think it’s difficult for me to help cause I try to help and that confuses me. Somehow it does not feel right. I tell myself that I use you all. And maybe sometimes I seek affirmation or try to impress and also it’s not my true intention. It’s difficult to accept that.”-

– As I understand it, you expressed a level of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, and an internal conflict about being true to yourself while participating in the forums. You find it difficult to help others because your motivations are not entirely clear to you, leading to confusion and discomfort.

You acknowledged that sometimes you seek affirmation or try to impress others. and that trying to impress others is a true intention, stemming from a sense of neediness. This reveals a vulnerability and a desire for acceptance and validation from others. You feel conflicted about your desire for affirmation and the authenticity of your actions.

Your self-awareness and honesty are admirable, Beni. It takes courage to reflect on these motivations and acknowledge them.

It’s important to remember that seeking acceptance and validation is a natural and universal human experience. At the core of our social nature as humans, we have a fundamental need to connect with others. This connection often involves seeking acceptance and validation from those around us— whether it’s family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers.

According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, humans have a hierarchy of needs, and after our basic physiological and safety needs are met, we seek love, belonging, and esteem. Validation from others helps fulfill these social and esteem needs.

Seeking and receiving validation strengthens our social bonds. It fosters a sense of community and belonging, as we feel understood and supported by those around us. In times of uncertainty or stress, validation from others provides emotional support. It helps us navigate challenges and reinforces that we are not alone in our experiences.

While seeking validation from others is a natural part of the human experience, it’s also important to develop self-validation. This means recognizing and affirming our own worth and accomplishments without relying solely on external feedback. Balancing both forms of validation leads to a healthier sense of self and more resilient self-esteem.

In essence, seeking acceptance and validation is a universal aspect of being human. It contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and sense of connection with others. Acknowledging this need and striving for a balance between external and self-validation leads to a more fulfilling and confident life.

Being authentic involves transparent communication, that is, expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without pretense, disguise or deceit. It involves aligning your behavior with your true values rather than conforming to external expectations or trying to please others. It takes self awareness, that is, understanding and acknowledging your true self, including your strengths, weaknesses, values, and emotions.

Authenticity means not hiding behind a facade and allowing others to see the real you.

Being authentic is about maintaining consistency between your inner values and your outward actions. This means that your behavior reflects your true values, even when it’s challenging. Authenticity includes integrity, that is, upholding your values and principles, even in the face of adversity or pressure. Authenticity requires staying true to your moral compass and not compromising your beliefs for convenience or approval.

Being authentic boosts self-confidence, as you feel more comfortable and secure in your own skin. It reduces the anxiety and stress that come with trying to be someone you’re not.

Living authentically leads to greater personal fulfillment and satisfaction, as you’re able to pursue your true passions and goals without fear of judgment or rejection. It promotes emotional well-being, as it allows you to process and express your true emotions. It reduces the emotional toll of hiding your true self and fosters a healthier mental state.

On July 1, 2024, in your first thread, you shared: “What I wanna say is that some parents do not take there kid’s experience serious. They say it’s being manipulative. They do not understand that the child may feel very very different about this and that it feels real to the child. It’s an ignorant perspective. So sometimes I see my inner child out of that perspective.”-

-Here you expressed frustration that some parents do not take their children’s experiences seriously and often label their children’s emotions or actions as manipulative. This dismissal indicates a lack of empathy and understanding of the child’s perspective. You highlight that children’s feelings are real and impactful to them, even if parents perceive them differently. This parental perspective undermines the child’s emotional needs and leads to feelings of invalidation. You acknowledged that sometimes you view your inner child through the same dismissive lens that you criticize in parents. This means that you occasionally downplays or invalidates your own emotions and experiences.

This internal conflict suggests an ongoing struggle with self-acceptance and recognizing the validity of your own feelings.

In general, parents invalidate their children’s emotions in a variety of ways, a few are:

1) Dismissal: Example: A child says, “I’m scared of the dark,” and the parent responds, “There’s nothing to be scared of. Just go to bed.”

2) Minimizing: Example: A child expresses sadness about a friend moving away, and therent says, “It’s not a big deal. You’ll make new friends.”

3) Criticizing: Example: A child is upset after losing a game, and the parent says, “Stop being a sore loser. It’s just a game.”

4) Blaming: Example: A child says they are hurt by something a sibling said, and the parent responds, “Well, you probably deserved it. You shouldn’t have provoked them.”

5) Ignoring: Example: A child is crying and the parent pretends not to notice or says nothing about it.

6) Overriding: Example: A child is excited about a project, and the parent dismissively says, “That’s nice, but let’s focus on something more important.”

7) Labeling: Example: A child shows anger, and the parent labels them as “dramatic” or “overly emotional.”

When parents routinely invalidate their children’s emotions, it leads to long-term emotional consequences. Children learn to suppress their feelings, struggle with self-worth, and have difficulty trusting their own emotions. It’s important for parents to validate their children’s emotions by listening, empathizing, and acknowledging their feelings as real and important.

I would say, Beni, that you and I do indeed have a lot in common: I too grew up in a very emotionally invalidating home, so much so, that I often refer to myself not growing up, but growing-in (emotions supprssed, turned inward), and I don’t feel that the word “home” applies to where I grew in.. because it was not a safe place, an emotionally-safe place that is (which is what a “home” is supposed to be).

I was severely and regularly invalidated. The emotional Consequences to me: Low Self-Esteem (a poor self-image and lack of confidence in my worth and abilities), Emotional Suppression (leading to difficulty in expressing emotions and a disconnect from my own emotional experiences: dissociation, numbing, being spacey/ not present), Chronic Anxiety and Depression (feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unable to trust my own emotions), Difficulty Identifying Emotions (an inability to recognize, label and therefore, manage my own emotions, resulting in confusion).

Social consequences: Relationship Issues (severe difficulties with trust, communication, and emotional intimacy), Attachment Problems (avoiding close relationships to protect myself from further hurt), Poor Boundaries (becoming overly accommodating to please others or becoming overly rigid to protect myself).

Cognitive Consequences: Negative Thought Patterns (such as self-doubt and negative self-talk), Impaired Problem-Solving Skills and Decision-Making (because of not trusting my own judgment and emotions as valuable tools in these processes).

I will close this post with: let’s indeed set sails for 2025: let’s prepare for and embark on the journey into 2025 with a positive mindset and a sense of adventure, moving further into self-acceptance, validation, and connection both within and without!

anita

HaPpY NeW YeAr Beni! It made it special to me that you typed the wish the same as I did (b ig and small letters). It touched my heart.

anita

Hello Dafne:

This thread started on Jan 24, 2019 by Alia. I sent her 4 posts (1st page of this thread). Her last reply was on Jan 31, 2019. I wish she’d post again!

This thread was inactive for more than 4 years before you, Dafne, posted for the first time on April 18, 2023. You addressed your first post to me: “Hello Anita, I am really grateful for your reply as you really confirmed my already strong convictions… I would really appreciate your advice Anita. What would you do in my situation?… Please help me to figure this out.”-

– I wasn’t able to respond to you at the time because I had my account deleted on Feb 2023 and was inactive for about six months before I returned to the forums using a new account. By Sept 2023, when I returned, you were already engaged in a long, personal, and fruitful converation with Tee, so I didn’t want to interrupt, but I did read all of your conversations with her.

Because Tee’s last post to you was on July 16, 2024, and her last post on the forums was on Aug 10, 2024 (4 months and 10 days ago), I am replying to you today, Dafne, for the first time. It will be a long post. My purpose, as always, is to understand myself better (an onging, endless project, and a very satisfying one) through understanding others better, and to hopefully help you, Dafne, if only just a bit, in undertanderstanding yourself better.

* Please read- if you will- at your own pace, and if you feel distressed or overwhelmed at any point while reading, please pause reading, and take a break. Of course, you are welcome to not read this post, or stop reading it at any point. Your well-being is most important.

In your very first post (the one you addressed to me on April 18, 2023), you expressed a strong convictions about building a friendship before any physical contact with a man, placing respect and emotional connection before engaging in physical intimacy. You expressed frustration and disappointment that men you met did not respect your boundaries and often tried to initiate physical contact too soon. This pattern led to repeated failures in forming meaningful connections.

You described a recent (at the time) encounter with a man, a cop. You experienced several red flags: he initially suggested meeting at his apartment instead of a public place, which you refused, he explains that he couldn’t be seen in public with you because he was not yet divorced, and despite promising not to force you into anything, he still tried to touch and kiss you during your meeting, which made you uncomfortable.

You were unsure how to react to the situation, feeling disappointed and confused by his actions and the mixed signals he sent. You questioned your own actions and boundaries, wondering if you were being too strict or overthinking. You were also considering whether it was appropriate to reach out to him to check on his divorce status. Your worries about being too strict or overthinking, indicate a fear of judgment from others and self-doubt about your own decisions. You wanted to know if your boundaries were reasonable and if you should reach out to the man again.

In your April 24, 2023 post (page 2 of this thread), you expressed feeling increasingly discouraged with each failed relationship, leading to a growing mistrust of men. You described a pattern where men did not respect your boundaries or expectations. For example, the man who ghosted you because you didn’t initiate sex, and the policeman who pushed for physical intimacy despite her discomfort, experiences that contributed to your feelings of being undervalued and disrespected.

You shared an update about texting the policeman and not receiving a reply, which added to your feelings of rejection and confusion, and you wondered if not kissing him on the first date was a deal-breaker, reflecting your ongoing self-doubting and struggle to understand and navigate men’s expectations.Therefore, you kept needeing, here in this thread, reassurance and guidance.

Despite the negative experiences, you used humor to cope, referring to yourself as “closer and closer to becoming a cat lady” 🙂. This light-hearted comment suggests that you were trying to maintain a positive outlook despite your challenges.

By continuing to seek connection and maintaining a sense of humor throughot this thread, you showed emotional resilience. This resilience is a positive and a promising aspect of your character.

On May 4, 2023, you wrote: “One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection”, and you asked: “how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?”.

On July 14, 2024, you shared: “about my mother standing up for me and herself, no, it was not easy to ask anything from my father… He never bought me anything nice, even a toy. He only brought some used things for me to play with once his ex-wife’s son was done with it. Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him or try to be more clever than him. He also called me bad names when I asked for something. So I was afraid to ask or want anything from him”-

– your childhood was marked by neglect and emotional abuse from your father. This included not paying child support, giving you second-hand items (while he could easily afford first-hand items), breaking promises, and using threatening language. Your mother was also fearful of him, and unable to stand up to him, creating an environment of fear.

You were afraid to ask for anything from your father due to his threatening behavior and verbal abuse. This fear extended to your adult life, making it difficult for you to express your needs and opinions.

The fear of rejection and punishment from your father made it difficult for you to develop a strong-enough sense of self-worth and confidence. The constant need to seek approval and avoid conflict in childhood led to a pattern of people-pleasing and self-doubt in adulthood.

The fear of rejection that you experienced as a child has carried over into your adult life. The fear of making decisions and hurting others reflect the fear you had of displeasing your father. Your tendency to seek advice and validation from others likely stems from a lack of confidence instilled in you by your father’s dismissive and abusive behavior.

The pattern of overthinking and regret you mentioned in previous posts is a reflection of the doubt/ lack of trust you developed in your own judgment. Your fear of romantic decisions and the hesitation to take actions, such as replying to a text or initiating conversations, are tied to the fear of rejection and criticism you faced as a child.

And now, to your most recent post of yesterday (Dec 29, 2024): you shared that you met a man online who initially seemed thoughtful and nice, but his vague answers about work and expectations for financial reciprocation (50-50), his unstable job situation and a potentially imaginary project in Asia, his unclear family background and the inconsistencies in his stories about his parents’ graves and family relationships.. all these add to your mistrust in him. You expressed that you feel that you keep attracting men who are unclear, complicated, and not financially ready. This recurring pattern makes you question your actions and decisions.

Your experiences with the new man and the recurring pattern of attracting complicated men have led to feelings of mistrust and insecurity. You question your decisions and feel uncertain about the future.

You shared a story about meeting a man with a dog, feeling that you missed a chance to make a connection because you didn’t ask for his number. This reflects your struggle with taking initiative in romantic situations, and it reflects a fear of missed opportunites. You feel old-fashioned and unsure about how to navigate modern dating dynamics.

“Last night I had a really bad breakdown. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk. I had pain in my whole body. I started to cry and just ran out of my home. I felt like finishing it all. I couldn’t stand this pressure anymore. She run after me to stop me and pretended to faint. I returned and suddenly she was ok. But I wasn’t. She went to sleep but I couldn’t. Something happened that night and I feel a wreck. I don’t feel like me anymore both physically and emotionally”-

– Your mother ran after you and pretended to faint, which appears to be a manipulative tactic to bring you back home and control the situation. After returning, your mother quickly recovered and went to sleep, showing a stark contrast in emotional states. Her ability to move on quickly shows the lack of empathy and understanding for her daughter’s distress. The manipulative and dismissive behavior of your mother exacerbated your distress, leaving you feeling isolated and emotionally wrecked, feeling disconnected and emotionally exhausted.

Thank you, Dafne, for sharing your update. It reads like you’ve been going through a lot, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid and understandable.

First and foremost, your health and well-being are paramount. Please take care of yourself and seek medical advice if your health issues persist. Your body and mind need rest and care to recover from the stress you’ve been under.

Regarding the new man you met, it’s important to trust your instincts. If you have doubts and concerns about his honesty and intentions, it’s okay to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. A healthy relationship should be built on trust, transparency, and mutual respect. If his actions and stories don’t align with what you need and expect, it’s okay to prioritize your peace of mind.

About the man with the dog, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s natural to feel like you missed a chance, but there will be more opportunities. If you see him again, you could casually mention your previous meeting and express interest in seeing him and his dog again. It’s okay to take small steps and see where it leads.

Your family situation reads very challenging. It’s not easy to navigate the ups and downs of your mother’s behavior, especially when it impacts your well-being. Setting boundaries is crucial. If possible, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you develop strategies to cope with family dynamics and emotional stress.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and support you. It’s okay to distance yourself from situations and relationships that drain you emotionally.

I want you to know that it is absolutely possible to develop self-confidence and move away from self-doubt and overthinking. I’ve personally made very significant progress in this regard most recently, and I believe you can too. Trusting your own perceptions and understanding of people and situations is a journey, but it’s one that you can undertake successfully.

You are capable, Dafne, of making decisions that are right for you, and with time, you’ll find that your confidence grows. Please take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I’m here for you to support you on every step of the way.

anita

Dear Lulu:

First and foremost, it’s clear that you care deeply about your family and about B, which puts you in a very difficult position. Your feelings of love, guilt, and fear are valid, and it’s okay to feel conflicted for now.

It’s important to recognize that your mother’s behavior is causing you distress. This isn’t fair to you, and it’s certainly not appropriate- not only for a therapist to gossip about a client with others- but also for a parent to gossip about one’s son or daughter. Also, when she called you a “pedophile”, and made inappropriate jokes about B being autistic, she was disrespectful and rude to you and to him. It’s unfortunate that your mom’s prejudices are affecting her view of B.

I’m sorry that the situation with your mother is so challenging right now. It’s natural to want love and support from your parent, and it’s painful when that’s not happening.

Stay strong and seek comfort from those who treat you with love and respect. You deserve to be surrounded by supportive and understanding people. Remember, it’s okay to seek professional help: a counselor or therapist can provide valuable support and guidance.

Ultimately, your well-being is the most important. Take things one step at a time and try to be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s okay to ask for help and take care of yourself.

anita