Category: Blog

25 Ways to Be a True Friend

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

The other night I called an old friend I hadn’t talked to in a while. As we caught up, shared stories, and laughed over private jokes that would sound ridiculous had the phone been tapped, I wondered why I let so much time go by since I’d last given her a call.

We don’t live close to each other, so grabbing a drink or hitting up a yoga class isn’t an option. But really connecting with her, sharing pieces of my life and receiving the pieces she wants to give, doesn’t require specific geography.

We can be great friends to each other, despite the distance, if we choose to make the effort. If we remember to make the time, we can have those types of meaningful, fulfilling conversations that make us feel seen, understood, appreciated, and supported.

Then I started to think about all the times when I’ve gotten busy and lost touch with friends who live right down the street—times when I got caught up in everything going on in my life and forgot to nurture my relationships.

We need meaningful connections with other people.

Not everyone has to be a close friend, but it’s integral to our happiness that we show people who we truly are, allow ourselves to know them in return, and then remind each other through actions—small or large—that we care.

We never need to be or feel alone in this world, but it’s up to us to create and allow opportunities to be together, enjoy each other, and be there for each other. It’s up to us to make our relationships priorities.

With this in mind, I recently asked on Facebook, “What does it mean to be a true friend?”

I compiled some of the ideas that resonated strongly with me (some of them paraphrased or slightly altered for ease of reading).

Here’s what Tiny Buddha readers had to say: (more…)

January 27, 2011
Being Present When Life Falls Apart

We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” ~Pema Chodron

Don’t run away from your fear, Pema says. Lean into it. This is her message.

It’s not the most popular or good feeling practice. Our natural tendency is to fight, flee, or freeze. We want to move away from what is uncomfortable. Get rid of it.

But she says, quite the contrary, move toward the places that scare you, that are most uncomfortable for you, and allow them to dissolve, to break apart, to open your heart.

This advice is almost opposite to what is popular in the new age arena. Get happy. Choose a different thought. Practice positive affirmations.

It is difficult.

But what do you do when you got laid off, or you lost a child, or you’re battling a terminal illness, or you don’t know how you’re going to pay your rent? How do you get through those times when you are in the thick of it with fear, dread, or worry?

Choose a different thought? Get happy? Practice positive affirmations?

Pema says no—you don’t do any of this. You lean into it. Let it inform you. Stay present. Experience your humanity. Find compassion in the midst of it. (more…)

January 26, 2011
Learning to Receive: 5 Steps to Opening Up

“We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

I grew up deep in the “Bible Belt” in Texas, and along with that came the teaching that certain beliefs were never to be questioned. This kept life simple and reduced choices, but it also left me with the baggage of dogmas I no longer accept.

One of the mainstay beliefs was “It is better to give than to receive.”

Somehow, this one has held on in my head, in my heart, deep in my innermost belief system. Never mind that it makes no logical sense—to give requires someone to receive, so for someone, it must be better to receive. I just don’t know who that person is.

All my life, I have practiced giving religiously, even while longing to receive. I even wound up with a career in the “Gift Industry”—talk about commitment!

I could be counted on not only to give material and monetary gifts, but also to give my time, my support, and my skills. And then I would be angry for feeling depleted, all the while still giving.

No one ever taught me how to receive. Not a compliment; I am a master at countering any comment with insight about all my faults. Not a gift; I immediately feel the need to give something in return, preferably bigger. Not a kindness; I wave people away from helping me in a grocery line, no matter that I am dropping bread as I speak.

How could I have gone through so much life and have no experience with such a fundamental act as the ability to receive?

As I begin to examine this, I realize for me receiving involves vulnerability. When I give, I feel in charge. When I receive, I feel less. (more…)

January 24, 2011
Transforming Negative Thoughts & Creating the Life You Desire

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

In my quest for personal development, I’ve done a ton of processing, meditating, reading, praying, exercising, eating well, and helping other people. All of these things are amazing, and I still do them regularly, but none of it matters if I don’t guard my thoughts as though my life depends on it.

The quality of my life literally depends on my thoughts.

I never thought of myself as a negative person, and most people who know me will tell you I’m a bubbly, outgoing, super positive individual.

This is definitely the version of me that shows up in the outside world, and this is absolutely who I want to be. However, when I am under the spell of my “stinking thinking,” I don’t feel so good and happy. I also begin to experience circumstances that are most certainly not what I want.

One thing that’s been really difficult for me is recognizing when I’m thinking negative thoughts. More often than not, they’re totally subconscious thought patterns playing themselves out over and over again, and kicking my butt in the process.

I’ve decided that most of the time, it really doesn’t matter what these subconscious patterns are. What’s important is to shift my thinking immediately, using my feelings and mood as cues.

By staying dedicated, loyal, and committed to positive thinking, I’m able to stay in alignment with the life my heart desires. (more…)

January 20, 2011
The Right Direction: Releasing the Past and Getting Unstuck

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

It’s been a year since I stumbled upon Tiny Buddha. At the time I was in a difficult place, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I felt as if life was pointless and that there was nothing for me in the world: no room, no hope, no opportunity, no relief from the chronic tiredness and pain, and no love. I’d given up.

I spent my days staring at the walls and at my computer, trying to find something to make me feel better, to feel anything at all, but nothing showed up.

That was my ongoing experience, after all: nothing and nobody showed up to save me.

After seeing a quote on Twitter, I stumbled upon some of the posts about happiness. They showed me that I was allowed to have fun and experience joy.

They taught me that I didn’t have to relive a childhood that was painful and traumatic. Instead, I could live the life I’d always dreamed of since I was that lost, hurt, and lonely child; I could live it now as an adult.

The more I read, the more I started to let go of my victim mentality. I suffered a lot of mental and emotional abuse when I was young, much of it secret and still not revealed even to my family. But as I lost myself in other people’s wisdom, I opened myself up to that past and came to terms with it.

It’s taken a long time to do that, and it’s something I still do. Every day, I let go of something and move on from it.

It wasn’t long before I saw that I could write for Tiny Buddha. It took me days to hit send on that email because it felt like a major risk. But I felt determined to put myself out there, hoping that someone would recognize the good that I felt certain was in me somewhere.

This one little step was the beginning of change. (more…)

January 19, 2011
How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The most common conversation I have with other people includes the blame game.

The one where your job, your wife, your dog, your mother-in-law, your neighbor six doors down, the media, the government, the receptionist at your doctor’s office, or the dressmaker who measured you wrong is somehow responsible for the problems you’re having.

I too played the blame game.

I intentionally left a marriage that I was very unhappy in and then blamed him for everything. My finances, my unhappiness, my fluctuating weight, my broken-down car, and even my bad hair day were all entirely his fault.

It was then I had that an “aha” moment. I sat there thinking about the blame game wondering, “If games are supposed to be fun, then why is this one keeping me in such a bad place?”

Right then, I made the conscious decision—just like I had left my marriage—that I was going to leave this game behind, too.

I sat down, took a long deep breath, and thought about the ways I’d contributed to my own unhappiness. Once I came up with one way, countless others seemed to follow.

In that moment, I realized I was blatantly ignoring vital life lessons. It wasn’t just my ex’s fault; it was my fault, too.

I believe we are here to learn lessons. Once we learn a lesson we move on to the next one. However, if we fail to learn a lesson, we keep finding opportunities to learn it again and again. (more…)

January 18, 2011
Growing Pains: When Becoming Something New Feels Scary

“The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.” ~Barbara De Angelis

When we were kids, my dad used to measure us as we grew taller. On the back of the door of the laundry chute, he would keep track of me and my two sisters.

Every six months or so, he’d take out the ruler and lay it right on the top of our heads and mark the door. When we’d step away, we’d notice that we grew a few inches since the last time. Or, if we look at where we measured the previous year, we’d discover that we grew a full foot.

When did this growing take place? We didn’t feel it? And yet we were taller.

I think this is how it is supposed to feel. Effortless. Graceful. Easy.

But when we are stepping out in new arenas, it seems there is so much more to consider. There are financial risks and personal risks and relationship risks and emotional risks.

Right?

We are in the in-between. We are becoming someone we haven’t been before. We are living larger than we dared before.

It doesn’t feel so graceful.

When I first started producing teleseminars, I had to call high-profile speakers and ask them to be a part of our lineup. One of the first speakers I had to call had been on CNN and all the other news channels, and she was represented by a publicist in New York.

We were a “nobody.” But we wanted her on our line up to give us credibility. And I had to somehow project that we were bigger than we were to get her on our show. I remember looking at this publicist’s number on my computer screen and having to talk myself into making the call.

I hadn’t done this before. What kind of questions might she ask? I didn’t know what I needed to be prepared for. I wrote myself a script of exactly my pitch, what I would say when she answered the phone.

Projecting confidence, I made it through my first call. I got her answering machine. I left her a message and followed up with an email. (more…)

January 17, 2011
4 Tips to Create Meaningful, Authentic Connections Online

“The most important things in life are the connections you make with others.” ~Tom Ford

Three years ago I was living in the Bay Area, working for a start-up website as a community and content and manager. Every day, I signed online and wrote for hours about a topic that meant absolutely nothing to me.

I accepted the position because it was a dramatic pay increase from my previous temp and freelance lifestyle, and it afforded me my first solo apartment. I’d held dozens of different jobs in my time as I searched for meaningful work, and I certainly worked hard, but I always felt like I’d failed when it came to taking care of myself.

I simultaneously worked fifty-plus hour weeks to build my freelance resume and stockpiled ramen noodles, which felt disheartening to say the least. When I had a desk, a briefcase, and copious amounts of overtime where other people had a social life, I felt accomplished and important.

It wasn’t until the office closed and I began working from home that I realized how unfulfilled I felt.

I didn’t want to develop some calculated online persona to represent my company—I wanted to be my authentic self. I didn’t want to write about something that meant absolutely nothing to me for the sake of getting paid. And I didn’t want to engage with people superficially with an eye on Google Analytics.

If I signed onto a social networking site with a link to something I wrote, I wanted my heart to be in it. If I commented on someone else’s blog, I didn’t want it to be a thinly veiled attempt to drive traffic back to my employer’s site. I wanted my words and interactions to mean something more than that. (more…)

January 16, 2011
Blind with Full Sight: On Living in the Moment

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

As a fairly recent grad student at the time, it was painful when I had to pay for things that were out of my control.

While in Tahoe one weekend, I found my parked car without a right side view mirror. Someone had knocked it off! It was an important mirror—the one that assisted you with seeing a reasonable amount of blind spots.

I knew it would be extra difficult for me to switch lanes and park my car without it. I was silently bummed out because it was costly to get it fixed and to be without the mirror.

But that mirror wasn’t what I needed to see blind spots. It was in the process of witnessing a blind man fully present in the moment that I was able to clearly see the wonders of life.

Scott is the name of a normal guy who just happened to be blind. He’s a jolly looking thirty-five-year old guy who likes to tell jokes. I couldn’t remember them because I’m just not good with remembering jokes, but I laughed when he told them.

When we talked in the car, he kept checking his phone, which bothered me. I like to have a person’s full attention when I’m with them. I learned that he was checking the scores for some game. I laughed after realizing that he was just like tons of guys I know.

Scott wanted to get into working for the court as a profession. His plan was to be the person who typed up what others said in court. But he ended up taking the wrong classes in school and became a paralegal.

As someone in the psychology profession, I think he believed in himself and knew he could do more than just taking notes. (more…)

January 13, 2011
We Are Never Alone in the Storm

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

Like so many others living in Florida, my family was deeply affected by hurricane Charlie in August of 2004. We have completely recovered financially some years later, but the gravity of the situation leaves feelings close to the surface.

Our particular community was heavily hit by what were called spin-off tornadoes. Most people in Orlando did not believe the storm was coming our way. We had little notice that the storm path had changed from the forecaster’s prediction.

A friend from Jacksonville called and said, “They’re saying here it will hit Orlando tonight as a category four.” We hadn’t heard that yet and there was no time to board the windows or evacuate. The sky turned a very eerie dark gray and the reality was quite clear.

We listened to the battery powered radio as our power went out quite early in the storm. At one point we heard that serious tornadoes were spotted on radar near the airport. This was minutes from our house.

As we were devising a plan, we heard “If you can hear this and live in Conway, seek shelter in a bathroom or interior room now.”

My husband and I huddled in the bathroom sheltering our then-three-year-old with a mattress. I was pregnant with our second and we both knew this was serious. We began to hear heavy winds and then glass breaking. A tornado does very much sound like a train passing over your head. (more…)

January 11, 2011
When to Go with the Flow & When to Expand Your Comfort Zone

“Be bold, be bold, and everywhere be bold.” ~Herbert Spencer

I’m actually much more of a proponent of “going with the flow” then going against it. And sometimes forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do can be considered going against the flow.

But I do that for a different reason, and not everyone would agree.

I have two schools of thought. On the one hand, expansion is inevitable. We’re always called to become more than we are in life. It’s the nature of being human.

On the other hand, there’s something called “homeostasis.” Like a thermostat that’s set to a certain temperature, it will always self-regulate. If it gets too hot, the air will kick in to bring it to a cooler temperature. If it gets too cold, it will start flowing hot air. Whatever the gauge is set to, the thermostat will regulate.

Similarly, there’s an unconscious process within us that self-regulates. We have relationship set points, money set points, and weight set points. We have comfort zones—sometimes ones that we’re completely unaware of.

That’s why people who win the lottery can go back to being at the same level of income or bankrupt in less than six years. Their unconscious financial set point didn’t change because they won a million dollars.

Like the thermostat programmed to monitor the gauge, their unconscious thermostat brought them back to where they were comfortable. They can win millions and within years, they are back to where they started.

I suspect that if you redistributed the wealth in the country and equalized it among all people, it would re-distribute exactly the same way within three years, according to people’s set points.

I say all of that to say this: Yes, expansion is our nature, but we also come up against our own homeostasis—our own comfort zone. We don’t want to move out of what we know. (more…)

January 10, 2011
In Pursuit of Peace: Why It’s Hard to Find Serenity

“The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” ~Robert Pirsig

The other evening I was I was lying in the bath following yet another hectic day in the office. As I sat there in the bubbles, I could feel my tension rising. I tried my hardest to block out the banging of the washing machine in the next room and the great stomping footsteps from the flat above.

All of a sudden, this peaceful treat was starting to feel more like a battle of wills—me against the world.

This made me think: how far do we have to go in the pursuit of peace?

There’s no denying the fact that we live in an amazing age. We’ve seen unprecedented change in our lifetime and technological developments our grandparents could never have even dreamed of.

I can share pictures with my emigrated best friend instantly. I can manage my work emails from the park. I can even ‘poke’ my old travelling buddies on a different continent. We truly are lucky, aren’t we?

Do you ever find yourself wondering why, when we have all this technology that is supposed to help us to do everything quicker, we’ve never felt so busy, frantic, and shortchanged? Or why we feel like shouting Stop the world—I need to get off!? I certainly do. (more…)

January 9, 2011
Accepting & Loving Ourselves in 10 Simple Steps

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

The idea of loving yourself often seems cliché. We throw around the phrase, but do we really understand what it means? Do we actually know how to love ourselves? Or what the process of self love even looks like?

I really believe that everything in our lives is directly affected by how much we love ourselves, but I’m often at a loss for words when trying to articulate what is really all about. In my attempts to answer these questions, I am excited to have come up with a little analogy that I feel really pulls it all together. So I figured I’d share, in the hopes that you all can explore and expand on this concept with me.

To start, think of people are like cars. In order for a car to function properly you need to fill its tank with gas. So in order for us to feel as centered, loving, and grounded as we’d like, our “love tanks” need to be full.

When our love tanks are full, we have the energy and patience to give love to the world around us; but when we are running on empty, that’s how we feel: empty.

With an empty love tank, we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad, you name it. And that’s how we treat others, which can ultimately lessen their love tanks too.

If you think about the people you know and love, and make a mental image of their love tanks, how full do they seem to you overall? If you look at yours, in this moment, how full is it?

Remember our love tanks have the potential to shift throughout our days and lives.

So how do we fill our love tanks? (more…)

January 6, 2011
On Planning Less: How to Let Go & Enjoy the Ride

“Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” ~Osho

As I drove home today, I embarked on a familiar exercise: planning out, in ridiculous detail, the next week, month, and year of my life.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that planning is bad. In my world, a complete lack of planning would be anarchy. And anarchy equals anxiety. So I try to avoid it—both the anarchy and the anxiety.

But, historically speaking, I plan to a fault. You could say I live the classic cart-before-the-horse existence. In fact, in my world, the cart comes before the horse has even been born. Or conceived.

I think of a neat product to create, then spend (read: waste) days mentally planning which boutique in NYC would be best to approach first, before I’ve even figured out if I can afford the supplies (or safely use them).

I find myself drawn in by late-night Zumba infomercials and spend the next several hours envisioning myself completing the workouts daily for six months, finally emerging from underneath the burden of the “workout so fun it’s not even like working out” perfectly toned, ready to ride my surf board (the one I don’t yet own) on the shores of Maui, Cameron Diaz-style.

Did I mention that I don’t like cardio? You’d glean this if you saw the thirty-two Zumba-like DVDs that already grace the mantel of my family room. Unopened.

Almost every Saturday, I wake up and declare my intention to stay in pajamas all day, to lie around and simply be lazy. And then by 11:07AM I’m bored to pieces and excitedly headed to Barnes & Noble (while remembering my vow not to get out of PJs).

So today, as I drove home while unconsciously plotting how I’d like to spend every hour of every day of the next week, month, and year, a song called “Going Whichever Way the Wind Blows” by Pete Droge came on the radio. The lyrics, which repeat over and over at points, advise: (more…)

January 5, 2011
Authentic Communication: 3 Tips for Receiving in Conversations

“As for the future, your task is not to foresee it but to enable it.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Have you ever heard the expression everyone loves a cheerful giver? While there’s a great deal of truth in the philosophy of offering without hopes attached, what about the flip side?

Sometimes we become so focused on providing antidotes or anticipating what we perceive to be the other person’s needs that we steamroll a conversation, taking center stage in our interactions.

In my own day-to-day life, pauses and hesitations in conversation used to make me uncomfortable or even anxious. I would rush to fill the space with chit chat that meant little, or offer to help that person with a favor—not so much to experience the joy of giving another person a break but to alleviate the unease inside me.

Coming from a place of fear, I frequently dampened the point of the conversation with my desires to keep the talk flowing and elicit the behavior I wanted from others.

As a one-time people pleaser, I knew that there had to be a more peaceful way to connect, and on a deeper level, with those around me.

After I turned thirty, I began to step back and actually give other people room to express their opinions and thoughts—even if it meant several seconds of complete silence, something that previously would have seemed impossible to me.

I found myself breathing more slowly and relaxing more into the moment. I started to feel the same happening to others I interacted with. (more…)

January 3, 2011
Growing through Challenges: How Intentions Shape Our Lives

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

The last five years of my life involved a lot of self-inflicted stress and tremendous spiritual growth.

In 2003 I made a decision that would have a major impact on my life without realizing my true intentions.

While knowing the financial safety net was not securely in place, I decided to remain at home with my daughter instead of returning to work. Previously, when I left our first child in the care of someone else at ten months old, I felt anxious the entire time I was away from him.

I didn’t want to experience those feelings of discomfort again, and I didn’t wanted my children to feel as alone as I did as a child, so I ignored all external factors and decided not to place our daughter in childcare.

I wanted to be the primary caregiver for my children and to show them that, above all else, they were the most important parts of my life. I wanted my daughter to experience maternal bonding and the consistent physical presence of someone who absolutely adored her.

However, this wasn’t my only motivation; I just didn’t fully understand my complete intentions. (more…)

January 2, 2011
How You Made Tiny Buddha Beautiful This Year: Our 2010 in Review

“We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.” ~Anonymous

Before September 2009, I thought I wanted to run a personal development blog—a place to share the lessons I’ve learned and generally build a community around the idea of teaching people to improve their lives. Then I realized that wasn’t my vision.

There were a couple reasons for that.

I feel the biggest challenge isn’t gaining new information; it’s learning to apply it.

Instead of trying to build authority, I wanted to embrace my humanity—to be both strong and vulnerable, willing to share what I’ve learned and continually learn from you.

I wanted to be part of this community, not standing outside it telling you to follow me.

I am not Tiny Buddha—we all are. We all have the same capacity to learn, grow, and inspire.

This year you have all inspired and amazed me. You’ve demonstrated bravery, honesty, and authenticity. Whether you’ve written for the site, commented, read and shared, or simply passed through, you’ve been a valuable part of this community.

Though I know I just said this site isn’t all about me, it means the world to me. I put all of my heart into running Tiny Buddha, and I couldn’t be more grateful for your continued participation. You make Tiny Buddha what it is, and I appreciate you.

So I’ve decided to do a hybrid year-end review. I’d like to share a little of what I’ve accomplished, some of what you’ve accomplished, a bit about the site’s growth, and a few details about plans for 2011. (more…)

December 30, 2010
5 Lessons about Being Present: Freedom is Where My Feet Are

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber

As I begin each day, I must remind myself, “Erin, stay where your feet are.”

If I keep my attention on the place where my feet reside, I have a better chance of remaining in the here and now. What’s here and now is all there is, so we’re told.

Most of us know this in our heads, but integrating it into our daily living is another thing. It’s a practice, one that must remain a part of our awareness if we hope to be released from suffering.

Sometimes when I am running, my head replays old movies—only they’re the movies of my past or the movies I am creating in my mind about the future.

All too often I notice myself feeling beaten up by my thoughts, because I remember things I’ve said that hurt people or embarrassed me. Sometimes I’m replaying movies of the things an ex-boyfriend or lover said to me, and I either begin to miss him painfully or feel incredibly humiliated for being so stupid to fall for his words.

“If only I had done things differently” becomes the soundtrack to the movies in my head. When I’m driving, I’ve become aware of the way I take the early stages of a relationship and progress them into the future, deciding how things will turn out in one year or ten years from that particular moment.

Or maybe I’m having a conversation with a client who isn’t even there, about how angry I am that they don’t pay me on time or respond to my emails about their invoice. All these thoughts are filled with judgment, and by living in them over and over again, I continue to attract more of them.

This way of thinking takes me away from my present experience.

When I live in the past or future, I miss out on the freedom and peace in the now.

Lately, I am becoming aware much sooner and quicker when this happens. (more…)

December 29, 2010
The One New Year’s Resolution That Creates Lasting Change
“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon

I originally started to write a post offering tons of different New Year’s resolutions and tips to stick to them to create lasting change.

After all, that’s what we bloggers do around the end of the year: share our best practices for improving our lives as December rolls into January; compile well-researched suggestions to change, and do it consistently, despite knowing most people give up on resolutions within weeks of setting them.

Then I realized that didn’t feel authentic to me.

I don’t actually believe New Year’s Day is any different than any other day. I don’t believe a random point in the time measurement system we’ve created requires us to make a laundry list of things we need to change or improve.

New Year’s Eve is, in fact, just another day, and the next day is one, as well.

I don’t mean to minimize the excitement of the New Year, or any of the days we’ve chosen to celebrate for religious or honorary reasons. I love a big event as much as the next person; in fact, I sometimes bust out the champagne for parallel parking well or using a really big word in a sentence.

What I’m saying is that New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason, and it’s only slightly related to intention or discipline.

Resolutions fail because they don’t emerge from true breakthroughs. They’re calendar-driven obligations. and they often address the symptoms, not the cause of our unhappiness.

Some resolutions are smart for our physical and emotional health and well-being. Quitting smoking, losing weight, managing stress better—these are all healthy things.

But if we don’t address what underlies our needs to light up, order double bacon cheeseburgers, and worry ourselves into frenzies, will it really help to vow on one arbitrary day to give up everything that helps us pretend we’re fine?

It’s almost like we set ourselves up for failure to avoid addressing the messy stuff.

Why We’re Really Unhappy

I can’t say this is true for everyone, but my experience has shown me that my unhappiness—and my need for coping mechanisms—come from several different places:
- I’m dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.
- I’m comparing myself to everyone else—their accomplishments, the respect and the attention they garner, and their apparently perfect lives.
- I’m feeling dissatisfied with how I’m spending my time and the impact I’m making on the world.
- I’ve lost hope in my potential.
- I’m expecting and finding the worst in people.
- I’m turning myself into a victim or a martyr, blaming everyone else.
- I’m spiraling into negative thinking, seeing everything as a sign of doom and hopelessness
- I’m assuming there should be a point in time when none of the above happens anymore.
The last one, I believe, is the worst cause of unhappiness. All those other things I mentioned are human, whether we experience them persistently or occasionally.

We’ll do these things from time to time, and they’ll hurt. In the aftermath, we’ll want to do all those different things that every year we promise to give up.

We’ll want to eat, drink, or smoke away our feelings. Or we’ll want to work away our nagging sense of inadequacy. Or we’ll judge whether or not we’re really enjoying life enough, and in the very act of judging detract from that enjoyment.

So, perhaps the best resolution has nothing to do with giving up all those not-so-healthy things and everything to do with adopting a new mindset that will make it less tempting to turn to them.

An Alternative to Resolutions

Maybe instead of trying to trim away all the symptoms of our dissatisfaction, we can accept that what we really want is happiness—and that true happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.

No amount of medication or meditation can change the fact that we will sometimes get caught up in thoughts and emotions.

What we can do is work to improve the ratio of happy-to-unhappy moments. We can learn to identify when we’re spiraling and pull ourselves back with the things we enjoy and want to do in this world.

Instead of scolding ourselves for all the things we’re doing wrong and making long to-do lists to stop doing them, we can focus on doing the things that feel right to us.

This may sound familiar if you’ve read about positive psychology.

I’m no posi-psy expert, and to my knowledge no one is since the industry is unregulated. But it doesn’t take an expert to know it feels a lot better to choose to nurture positive moments than it does to berate myself for things I’ve done that might seem negative—all while plotting to give them all up when the clock strikes tabula rasa.

4 Simple Steps to Increase Your Happiness Ratio

This is something I’ve been working on for years, so it comes from my personal experience. As I have worked to increase my levels of satisfaction, meaning, and happiness, I have given up a number of unhealthy habits, including smoking, overeating, and chronically dwelling and complaining.

That all required deliberate intention, but it was impossible until I addressed the underlying feelings. I still have some unhealthy habits, but I know releasing them starts with understanding why I turn to them. Starting today, and every day, regardless of the calendar:

1. Recognize the places where you feel helpless…

…the housing situation, the job, the relationship, that sense of meaningless. Then plan to do something small to change that starting right now. Acknowledge that you have the power to do at least one small thing to empower yourself.

Don’t commit to major outcomes just yet. Just find the confidence and courage to take one small step knowing that you’ll learn as you go where it’s heading. As you add up little successes, the bigger picture will become clearer. This isn’t major transformation over a night. It’s a small seed of change that can grow.

2. Identify the different events that lead to feelings that seem negative.

Like gossiping with your coworker, overextending yourself at work, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much.

Whatever it is that generally leaves you with unhappy feelings, note it down. Work to reduce these, making a conscious effort to do them on one fewer day per week, then two, and then three. The key isn’t to completely cut out these things, but rather to minimize their occurrence.

3. Identify the things that create positive feelings.

Like going to the park, painting, looking at photo albums, or singing. Whatever creates feel-good chemicals in your head, note them down and make a promise to yourself to integrate them into your day. As you feel your way through your joy, add to this. Learn the formula for your bliss.

Know that these moments of joy are a priority, and you deserve to receive them. When you’re fully immersed within a happy moment of your own choosing, you’re a lot less likely to get lost dwelling, obsessing, comparing, judging, and wishing you were better.

4. Stay mindful of the ratio.

If you’ve had an entire week that’s been overwhelming, dark, or negative, instead of getting down on yourself for falling that low, remind yourself that only your kindness can pull you out. Tell yourself that you deserve to restore a sense of balance—to maintain a healthy ratio.

Then give yourself what you need. Take a personal day at work and take a day trip. Go to the park to relax and reflect. Remind yourself only you can let go of what’s been and come back to what can be.

It’s not about perfection or a complete release from all the causes of unhappiness. It’s about accepting that being human involves a little unhappiness—but how often it consumes us is up to us.

This might not be a lengthy list of unhealthy behaviors you can give up, and how, or a long list of suggestions for adventure and excitement in the new year. But all those things mean nothing if you’re not in the right head space to release the bad and enjoy the good.

Resolve what you will this year, but know that happiness is the ultimate goal. It starts in daily choices, not lofty resolutions—on any day you decide to start.
December 28, 2010
Overcoming Perfectionism: The Joy of Just Okay

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Yesterday I was talking to my dear friend Erin about all the pressures to be perfect—to be more than just enough. To always be striving to be 100%.

I realized later that this has been going on all my life. Haven’t we all felt it?

In grade school, the importance of getting those A’s, being on the teacher’s list, always getting the gold star.

In high school, being popular, being smart, being a jock—whichever lane we chose to fit into to, there was always the hierarchy of being the best.

Later came the career ladder—always needing to excel. Not to even mention the pressures to be a perfect parent and the ongoing need to be the perfect child.

Okay, my neck is stiff just writing this.

I am a child of the fifties. I remember people having hobbies, just doing things they enjoyed with no value system attached. Whether it was painting a picture, crocheting a potholder, or making furniture in the garage, the point was the joy.

I don’t remember a lot of apologies about how something wasn’t up to some predefined set of standards. The end product might wind up on a wall or in the entryway, but it might stay in the garage.

The point was the experience, not the outcome. A lot of weird crafts on the wall were just accepted. (more…)

December 27, 2010