Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • A Letter from Your Future Self

    A Letter from Your Future Self

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    Dear Past Me,

    Remember that day when you thought all was lost? When you thought there was barely any point in carrying on?

    The bank account was dangerously low.

    You were arguing with everyone close to you.

    The roof was leaking.

    It felt like everything was a struggle and the so-called abundance of the Universe was nowhere to be seen.

    You were going over the mistakes you’d made.

    The money you had lost.

    The opportunities you had missed.

    You were going over angry conversations and thinking about how right you were and how wrong they were.

    You were searching for forgiveness but holding onto the unfairness of it all.

    Remember how low you felt?

    You actually spent more time than you care to admit wishing you didn’t exist.

    You thought at least that way, nobody would miss you and you wouldn’t cause them any pain if you had never existed.

    Dude.

    Seriously?

    You do realize now that you wasted a bit of time with that ridiculousness, right?

    You wished for a lightning bolt of awareness to hit you in the head.

    You were hoping for a finely tuned droplet of self-aware genius to magically transform your heart.

    The Universe provided because in the next few moments, you read this:

    The average person lives to be 76 years of age, which is approximately 28,000 days.

    28,000 days.

    That’s when it hit you.

    Every day is truly precious.

    Months seemed to come and go.

    Years flew by.

    But days. Days were made up of habits.

    You woke up to your own habits at that point.

    How much time had you wasted drifting into jealousy?

    How many hours had been lost sinking with regret or crying over disappointment?

    If you added up the hours you’d filled with worry, regret, anger, sorrow, and guilt, how many days would it equal?

    It was terrifying to even consider.

    You shifted.

    You found three ways to live in each day that have changed you forever.

    1. You are not your feelings.

    When anger or hurt hits your heart like a ton of bricks on a hot summer day, it can feel like it consumes you.

    The more you resist, the more you fight it, the bigger it gets.

    Allow the pain to be there. Talk to it. Realize that you are the witness that is doing the talking.

    2. Meditation.

    It seems like everyone talks about meditating.

    Once you made it a non-negotiable part of your life, everything else shifted for you.

    Think of it like brushing your teeth or taking a shower.

    You can sit quietly anywhere. In your car. At your desk. Just close your eyes and breathe.

    It will help you to be in the day.

    3. Forgiveness.

    As much as you’re struggling with your own crapola, everyone else is going through his or her own lessons as well.

    As soon as you leaned into forgiveness, you felt better.

    You stopped resisting.

    Forgiveness gives you flow.

    And when you flow, BOOM—you’re in the present moment again.

    I want you to wake up to what you have right now!

    I want you to know that no matter what, today is beautiful.

    It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring rain, pounding snow, or penetrating sunshine.

    Weather is neither good nor bad. It just is.

    Today is what you make it, and I want you know that here and now, in this future moment that I’m writing you from, love is the only thing that lasts.

    Whether your current moment is filled with sorrow or bursting with joy, this too shall pass.

    Find ways to make today into a beautiful painting of kindness toward yourself and toward others, and you will reach the end of your 28,000 days with a knowingness that you lived well.

    What day is it today?

    It’s the best day ever.

    Love,
    Future Me

  • Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

    Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

    “When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better.”  ~Unknown

    For years, I was entering relationships with men where I saw their potential to be a good match for me, if only they would completely change who they were.

    For twelve years, it was the same pattern until one day I finally realized something was broken.

    After my last unsuccessful relationship, where I was just holding on, hoping he would change and be the person I wanted him to be, I had had enough. So, I took a much-needed hiatus to regroup, reprogram, and refocus.

    The Problem

    My sorority sister used to say, “If you always do what you always done, you’ll always get what you already got.” So, what was I doing that constantly attracted me to men who were not a good fit for me? What was so compelling to me about that?

    Here’s what I discovered: The tape that continued to play in my mind said, “I am not able to attract a man with a steady, regular job who’ll make time for me, and is emotionally available.” So, I constantly attracted men who were emotionally damaged, who cheated on and ignored me.

    The Analysis

    Now that I knew what attracted me, I wanted to figure out what made me stay in so many loveless relationships.

    I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I stayed in relationships I should have never started because I thought I could change save them. They were hurt and I could treat them better than their previous lover because, let’s face it, I’m better than everyone.

    I was going to swoop in and save the day and show “him” how much better I was than “she” was to “him.” And “he” will not cheat on me like “he” did “her.”

    But, guess what?  “He” always did. Always.

    And I always took it as a personal failure. As if I had failed “him” somehow, because I wasn’t even good enough, much less better. It never occurred to me that “he” might have been just a jerk to begin with.

    The Solution

    After finally learning my lesson, I’m now ready to re-enter the dating arena, and I’ve made three promises to myself. If you’ve also attracted unhealthy relationships, perhaps these could help you, too.

    1. I will trust myself.

    Many times in the past, I can remember thinking this relationship was not a good idea, or something wasn’t right. But I didn’t listen. And as my grandmother used to say, “If you don’t hear, you feel.”

    When you feel something is off, make the determination of whether you are just nervous because you’re afraid of making another mistake, or if something really feels off. When your intuition tells you something is wrong, move on.

    Trust that you know what is best for your happiness. You are the only one who does.

    2. I will value myself.

    Moving on is much easier to do now that I’ve raised, expanded, and updated my standards. Looking back, it seems that my only requirements were that he be breathing and he liked me.

    For you, it may be time to reevaluate your standards and decide that you deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who meets your needs.

    Create a list of your top three non-negotiables, and even when you get slack from your friends and family, who mean well, telling you your standards are high or you’re being too picky, don’t waver.

    Not listening to your intuition is what most likely got you in this dating predicament in the first place, so value yourself and stop ignoring your inner voice.

    3. I will focus on myself.

    Worrying about whether the other person was happy or not in my past relationships was emotionally draining, and never created a happy ending for me. So I’m bringing the focus back on me. I’m no longer looking to fix, change, or save anyone, nor restore their faith in relationships, and neither should you.

    If this has been an issue for you, read these next words carefully: It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.

    Believe me, you will save yourself a lot of wasted years, tears, and time by following this one rule.

    If you’re ready to take responsibility for your dating life, consider taking a break to reevaluate your previous relationships, update and expand your standards, and work on your own happiness first. You’ll be a happier, more whole and joyful person—which can ultimately lead you to the relationship you want.

  • Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    Carefully, I wrote my New Year’s Resolutions neatly in my purple leather bound journal, which chronicled the ups and downs of the past year of my life.

    Resolutions, whether they’re made on the first of January or any day of the year, are refreshing. It’s a chance to start again—the closest you can get to a “redo” of the past.

    In prior years, I made resolutions that were destined to fail. Read one book per week. Write a book. Learn yoga.

    It wasn’t that the previous resolutions were bad. Rather, I had failed to put any sort of plan in place to help me succeed. I only had a lofty goal, not steps laid out to get me from where I was standing to where I wanted to be. 

    But this year, I needed change. I needed a fresh start. I didn’t need the seemingly constant stress and the disappointment that plagued me last year to carry over into 2014.

    So my resolution was a succinct two words: Be happy.

    And unlike prior years, I made a plan for how to transform my resolution into my life. It felt weird trying to develop a way to be happy. But this year had to be different, and if planning was required, then plan I would.

    The plan? Take steps. And keep taking steps—don’t freeze in place.

    I took steps. I enrolled in a course in a subject I had long been interested in but too afraid to try. I decided that I would spend the Fall 2014 semester in London. I went to Chicago’s new Nutella Bar—because not every source of happiness requires a big change; sometimes the little things add up.

    And then only days into January, I panicked. Say this whole “Be happy” thing didn’t work out?

    What if I made all these changes and I wasn’t happy?

    What if the decisions I was making were actually wrong?

    What if life was still really stressful and exhausting?

    It took me a while to realize what all the what-ifs were really disguising. Superficially, the panic appeared to be the fear of not achieving the resolution.

    In reality, though, the fear of not achieving the resolution was a cover-up for the fear of failing as a person. What if I took all the steps to create the life I wanted and it didn’t work out? Would I be left with an unfilled life on top of an unfilled resolution? 

    Everyone talks about how going after what you truly want takes hard work and perseverance. Few people mention the courage required. It takes courage to forge your own path in a forest overgrown with what-ifs and brimming with the beast of society’s potential judgment.

    Being honest with yourself about what you want, whether it’s happiness, a new job, or significant other, is scary. When carving your own path, you don’t know what’s in store for you ahead.

    I came close to letting the fear of what-ifs consume me and abandoning my goals along with the little progress I had made in the first few weeks of January.

    Fittingly, however, the one thing that overpowered all the what-ifs swirling in my thoughts was one single what-if: What if it all worked out?

    What if you succeeded in creating the life you envisioned? It doesn’t need to be a perfect life; every life has a few rough spots or bruises.

    And for me that hope, that possibility, that single gnawing question was enough to take the leap of faith and go forward with my goals.

    That isn’t to say that I now believe unequivocally that my resolution will work out and every moment of my life will be Kodak-worthy. Rather, it’s to say that I now counter each doubt that creeps into my mind with the single rebuke: What if this all works out? 

    Focusing on the positives of your goal or resolution is a much more powerful motivator than concentrating on the negatives.

    Acknowledge the negatives as potential pitfalls to be aware of, but then counter them with positives. Truly immerse yourself in the positive potential of success.

    If your thoughts of doubt are enough to stop you, then your positive thoughts are enough to help you succeed.

  • Eliminate These 5 Words to Create the Life of Your Dreams

    Eliminate These 5 Words to Create the Life of Your Dreams

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    For years I felt nothing.

    Nothing, that is, except bored at work, trapped in my marriage, uninspired in my educational pursuits, misunderstood by friends and family, and stuck in my hometown. I’d lay awake at night wondering what was wrong with me.

    How did I manage to manifest the exact scenario I’d been trying so desperately to avoid?

    As I reflected upon all the major decisions I’d made up until that point, it didn’t take long to realize what had happened: I’d spent so much time focusing on what I didn’t want that I’d neglected to figure out what I actually did want.

    I’d been pushed by my problems rather than led by my dreams.

    This realization was both unacceptable and intolerable, and sent me on a quest to uncover who I was and what I actually wanted in life. Once I had a clear vision, I began taking action.

    That was more than three years ago. My life today is much, much different.

    For the last six months I’ve been driving around the United States, living out of my car, and couch surfing with friends and strangers. This adventure was just the icing on the cake of a three-year stint living out of a suitcase and traveling around the world.

    Long gone are the restless nights, self-defeating thoughts, and dull emotions. The words “play” and “work” have become synonymous; my interpersonal relationships are now fruitful and plentiful; I’m inspired and motivated to learn as much as possible; and I happily refer to the world as my newfound hometown.

    Believe it or not, the process of how I re-created my life started with a few simple changes. One of the biggest changes I made right from the beginning was with the way I speak.

    Words are powerful and they carry energy. While they can be used to manifest massive growth and positive change, when used unconsciously, they can just as easily aid in creating a life we never wanted.

    So, rather than having a “breakdown,” I’d talk about having a “breakthrough.” Rather than discuss the pieces of my life that were falling apart, I’d talk about the pieces that were falling into place. There was no longer space for things I didn’t want in life; instead, I placed all my energy and focus on the things I did want.

    To start creating the life of your dreams, eliminate these five words from your vocabulary:

    1. Should

    As I started to explore all the reasons I wasn’t taking action in my life, I quickly came up with a laundry list of “should” statements.

    “I should be happy in my marriage.”

    “I should stay in this high paying job.”

    “I should feel understood by my friends.”

    The word “should” gives you an easy way to avoid going inward; it’s often used in statements that are based in fear.

    For example, if there was no “should” regarding my marriage, that meant I suddenly had no excuse for why I wasn’t taking action; it also meant that I had the freedom to make changes, which was both liberating and terrifying.

    Ask yourself why you aren’t taking action in your life, and for every “should” you come up with, explore what would happen if you actually did make the change. Once you maneuver through any guilt and shame, you’ll find a little seed of fear.

    Nurture that seed because when you overcome the fear that planted it there, you’ll start moving forward in the direction of your dreams.

    2. But

    Many years ago, I was told that every time you hear someone say the word “but,” you can erase everything they said leading up to that point, because none of it is true.

    “My family’s great, but…”

    “I would quit my job, but…”

    “I’m relatively happy, but…”

    No, your family’s not great. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It simply means that you’re unhappy with them, and that’s okay.

    Just be honest with how you really feel; there’s no need to sugarcoat things. If you don’t have any intention of quitting your job, stop saying why you “would if you could, but you can’t,” because the minute you really want something, “I would” becomes “I will,” without the “but.”

    Being honest is a critical step toward manifesting the life of your dreams.

    3. Maybe

    The clearer I became about what I wanted in life, the easier it was to make decisions in alignment with my dreams. I suddenly went from saying, “Maybe I’ll go on a road trip,” to “I’m going on a road trip,” and “Maybe I’ll leave my job,” to “I’m leaving my job.”

    The word maybe indicates a lack of clarity and fear of commitment.

    “Maybe I’ll start my own business.”

    “Maybe I’ll start looking for a new friends.”

    “Maybe I’ll start sending my resume to headhunters.”

    No, you won’t, and if you do, the energy behind your decisions still isn’t firm enough to manifest your dreams. Figure out what you want and start making clear and succinct statements about it. Declare your intentions to the world without an ounce of wavering in your voice. 

    4. Don’t

    What I really mean here is, “I don’t know.”

    When people used to ask what I wanted in life, I used to respond with “I don’t know,” and at the time, I thought that was the truth. Then one day, a friend challenged me and said, “Yes you do. Try again.”

    The truth is, he was right; I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to volunteer in Brazil. I wanted to take a road trip around the United States. I wanted to leave my job.

    We all have an idea of what we want in life. Saying “I don’t know” is just an easy way to avoid the hard work of clarifying our vision. It becomes a statement that enables us to stay “stuck” in our lives.

    So whenever you catch yourself saying, “I don’t know,” go deeper. Even if you don’t have all the answers, somewhere inside of you there is a little pearl of wisdom just dying to propel you in the direction of your dreams.

    5. Can’t

    When I began telling people about the changes I wanted to make, I started to hear about all the things people “can’t” do in their lives.

    “You can’t quit your job!”

    “You can’t leave your PhD program!”

    “You can’t spend your life traveling!”

    What I quickly realized was that I was telling myself those same stories. There seemed to be a constant stream of “I can’t” running parallel to all the things I wanted in my life.

    But then one day, I decided to look the word “can’t” right in the eye and call him out with a simple question: “Oh really? Why not?”

    For the first time, I started to challenge all the things people were telling me I “can’t” do—all the things I was telling myself I “can’t” do. What I uncovered was that the only difference between what we can and can’t do is our belief in what’s possible.

    So whenever you hear the word “can’t,” take a step back and affirm, “Yes, I can!” Then create a list of all the reasons that you will.

    These shifts in the way you speak can serve as a huge catalyst toward manifesting the life you want. Dare to use words that solidify your dreams rather than those that perpetuate your fears.

    Then watch the magic unfold.

    I made these shifts over three years ago, and my life has been one big adventure ever since. Won’t you come join me?

  • The Gift of Kindness: A Simple Reason to Give What We Can

    The Gift of Kindness: A Simple Reason to Give What We Can

    Helping the Homeless

    “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

    “Look at that guy,” I said to my wife.

    We were circling the block looking for parking when I spotted him on the sidewalk in front of the bank. For some reason he stood out from the other people in the area.

    “Seems off,” I thought to myself.

    As I passed by, I kept an eye on him. He didn’t seem to be going anywhere, just walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the bank.

    He was looking around and moving around like he was waiting for someone, but clearly he was alone.

    We came back around the block and I parked in a loading/unloading zone.

    “Make sure they don’t tow me,” I joked to my wife. I hopped out of the car and made my way to the bank’s ATM on the sidewalk.

    Halfway through the transaction I heard a very small voice coming from behind me.

    “Can I have two dollars? I need two dollars for the bus.”

    The voice was so small that at first I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or someone else. I continued with my transaction without acknowledging the question.

    “That’s awesome. You’re ignoring me,” he continued.

    At this point I realized that he was talking to me. I didn’t respond.

    The voice got smaller and turned into mumbling. I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

    I finished the transaction and turned back toward my car. He was standing near my car but not in the way.

    I looked at him.

    In front of me was a disheveled, forty-something man. The years appeared cut into his face in the form of deep wrinkles accentuated with dirt.

    The wrinkles could have meant a man much older, but his overall demeanor suggested youth. He still had the aura of a younger person.

    His hair was very short and he was holding a coffee.

    As I walked toward my car he stopped talking. I got around to the driver side and opened the door.

    “No,” I said loudly and resolutely while looking at him. It was the answer to his earlier question, and also an answer to him in general.

    He didn’t respond.

    Driving away I felt uneasy and my mind replayed the situation a few times.

    I have given money to people in the past. It hasn’t happened often, but sometimes.

    My problem with this man was that I felt he didn’t need the money. It was the coffee that bothered me. He had a cup of coffee in his hands. Premium coffee.

    Coffee, I later learned, would be our connection.

    I had forgotten about him by the next day while I was waiting in the Starbucks drive-through line. We reached the service window.

    “Hi! The car in front of you paid for you,” the barista said.

    “What?” I replied. I was caught off guard.

    “Your order has been paid for,” she reiterated. She handed us our items. “You’re good to go.”

    “Thanks,” I replied reaching for the items.

    My daughter asked me why I was shaking my head as we pulled forward.

    “The universe is always teaching me lessons,” I said smilingly.

    She looked at me blankly.

    That’s what I call it when stuff like this happens—the universe teaching me lessons.

    Over the years I have learned to pick up on this phenomena. The lessons are broad and typically focus on topics like compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and renewal. They always emerge through the random coupling of everyday events.

    Some lessons are blatant, but others can be very subtle. The subtle ones are the best. Sometimes I will only “get it” after a couple of days letting it sink in.

    This one I considered blatant. The lesson being:

    Share what you have. Give—even if they don’t need it.

    I didn’t give that man any money because I didn’t believe he needed it. My assumption was that earlier that day he had traded some of his money for that coffee he was holding.

    If he really needed two dollars, then he shouldn’t have spent his money on that coffee.

    But, that reaction is totally contrary to the lesson.

    Later, as I stewed on the lesson, a couple of thoughts occurred to me: Maybe there was no coffee in that cup. Maybe he was collecting change with it. Maybe the cup was empty. Maybe the cup only had water in it.

    The point was that I didn’t know. I assumed.

    The bigger point was that it didn’t matter whether the cup was filled with premium coffee, gold coins, or anything else.

    Giving is not about the other person’s perceived need; it’s about the act itself.

    We are choosing to be the best version of ourselves when our actions demonstrate the best within us.

    Do you remember how you felt the last time you gave? I am willing to bet you felt good about yourself, and good about the act. And that’s great!

    Now, was that good feeling because you filled a need, or because of the act in general?

    Think about it. You can say it was both, but I am also willing to bet that you would feel just as good if you gave to someone who didn’t really need it.

    The good feeling comes because giving is an act of kindness.

    The person in front of me in the drive-through that day could have looked in her rearview mirror and concluded that I didn’t need it.

    After all, I am driving a newer car, my clothes were clean, and the assumption is that I can afford a coffee since I am already in the drive through line.

    Her gift to me was not because I needed it.

    Her gift to me was about kindness. It was about doing that extra little bit to lift someone else up.

    Lesson taught. Lesson understood.

    Photo by Ed Yourdon

  • 6 Lessons from a Brave Little Girl About Living a Love-Filled Life

    6 Lessons from a Brave Little Girl About Living a Love-Filled Life

    Friends Heart

    “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles

    I can’t believe it was almost four years ago that I met *Holly. Her story is still deeply embedded into my heart. Who would have thought that one can learn so much from a ten-year-old child?

    At the time, I was working in Kenya as a children’s rights researcher. Knowing about my psychology background, the principal of a primary school I was working at asked me if I could talk to one of their students. Since I would only be able to meet her for a few shorts months, and I thought I was not qualified enough, I was hesitant at first.

    Then I remembered: always ask the question, “How can I serve?” in every situation

    I knew it was a place for me to serve. So even though I lacked an official therapist license in my home country, I agreed to meet with Holly.

    For that winter I became her volunteer counselor. I gave her my full attention while I listened to her stories, I provided her full support, and most importantly, I gave her my unconditional love. But in the end, she gave me so much more back.

    When she was only four years old, Holly was raped by her father, contracting an STD that caused her all sorts of health problems, including visible rashes all over her skin.

    It is not only that her rashes were itching and made her feel uncomfortable, but children at school, especially boys, continuously abused her for it.

    “Children throw stones at me. They say I have HIV. They say I am not a child anymore but a prostitute. But I am a child. I want to be a child,” she told me once.

    At home, her life was not better: living in the slums, she was facing extreme poverty. Her emotionally removed mother neglected her and made her responsible for all home tasks, from cooking to taking care of young siblings. Also, she was afraid of her alcoholic uncle visiting them on a regular basis. The list of her sorrows went on and on.

    Holly desperately wanted to be loved and cared for. She was always so thankful for anyone who was there for her, and she radiated kindness and love at all times through her beautiful smile.

    Being on the ground as a researcher on the topic of violence against children, I knew that Holly was not alone. She was not the only child that opened her heart to me. But she was one of the youngest, yet one of the most influential among them.

    Holly has taught me some life lessons that I believe are universal regardless of our life circumstances.

    1. Never give up.

    Holly went through so much yet she never gave up hoping, dreaming, and trying. She spoke about her future as if she believed things could get better.

    As long as we are alive, we have the choice to keep trying to improve our life.

    Sometimes we give up on our dream too early because we don’t believe we can succeed. Giving up guarantees we won’t.

    But what if we fail, you may wonder. In my dictionary there is no such thing as failure: only successes and lessons. Even if we don’t accomplish our goal, we will grow and learn throughout the process—and this growth sometimes provides more than a successful end result.

    2. Use your imagination.

    Holly imagined a better life for herself and she created stories, poetry, and drawings to capture her dreams. She was so clear in her art that it was as if she were already living in her beautiful future.

    Children have wild imaginations. As adults we often forget about this wonderful tool, being overwhelmed with work, family, and other responsibilities in life.

    If we want to create the life of our dreams it is essential that we use our imagination, because it allows us to experience anything we want. Visualizing new possibilities is a first step to creating our future.

    3. Share.

    One day Holly showed up with a few pieces of candy that she got from a volunteer at the school. She offered to share them with me. She didn’t have much—in fact, she had very little—yet she wanted to share that little with others.

    She also shared her life with me. Sharing her stories, her sadness, her joy, her dreams, and her art meant the world to me. I felt love and I loved her back.

    Sharing is caring, sharing creates connection, sharing creates love. You can share so much with the world: you can donate to charities, you can share a meal with your friends and family, you can share your stories through a blog, you can share your experiences over a coffee, you can share your joy, and you can share your love. Show your love—share what you have.

    4. Accept support.

    Holly recognized that she needed support to get out of her situation, and she accepted any support she could get. She accepted financial support through donations from volunteers. And she accepted  emotional support through friendships from anyone who offered it.

    She never felt bad about accepting support. She knew in her heart that someday she would pay it forward, helping children in similar situation. For the present moment, she gave back what she could—her love and gratitude.

    Accepting support is not a sign of weakness. We can’t always do it alone. Accept support if you need it and be grateful. Karma goes around. You can help out someone the next time around.

    5. Be kind.

    Holly was a tiny, fragile girl who received pain from every direction in life, yet she always smiled. Often, I was amazed how much kindness she was able to offer.

    Kindness was her radical response to suffering. I think she innately believed that if she offered kindness, good karma would come back to her to help her life turn around. I know that being kind also made her incredibly happy because she was able to bring joy to others.

    The world needs kindness and there can never be too much of it. It can also be one of the biggest presents to someone because it is a sign of caring, love, and happiness. When you have a choice: always choose kind.

    6. Love.

    Holly had the biggest heart. I seriously believe that this little girl always came from the perspective of love.

    We are all born with enormous amount of love and as children we are more likely to openly share it with the world. Growing up, we close more and more doors in our heart and we get hardened by our experiences. Then we have a difficult time expressing our love as adults.

    I urge you to open up those doors. Let your heart shine to the world and express your love.

    Expressing love doesn’t have to be difficult: a smile, a hug, a loving note, a kind email, a home-cooked meal, a flower, a small surprise, or similar small actions can work. Of course, the words “I love you” can be the most powerful when lovingly coming from our heart.

    There can be never too much love in this world. So choose love, be love, live love, just love, always love.

    —

    Due to confidentiality I was not able to follow Holly’s life-story. I am not sure what happened to her. I don’t even know if she is alive. But I will forever remember her story, her smile, her love, and the lessons she taught me.

    Holly, wherever you are, you are in my heart and sending you some loving vibes.

    *Name changed to protect her privacy. Photo by Sharky

  • Taking Big Chances and Knowing If It’s Worth the Risk

    Taking Big Chances and Knowing If It’s Worth the Risk

    Leap of faith (by Tracie).

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

    Taking risks isn’t the secret to life, but taking risks does mean we are never at risk of doing nothing.

    Nine months ago, almost to the day, I stepped off a plane onto German soil. I left behind everything I knew, and almost everyone I knew. I moved to a place where I couldn’t understand anyone to live with someone I had never lived with before.

    But let’s back up. What exactly made me take the risk of moving to a totally foreign country, without a job, a plan, or any knowledge of the local area or language? The short answer is love. 

    My significant other had been offered a job in Germany, the land of his mother’s birth, and asked if I wanted to come with him. But that is just the short version.

    Lots of people would consider a partner taking a job in a foreign country a deal breaker. A big part of the reason I was willing to take the risk and move across an ocean was love, but the other part is perhaps more important: I weighed the risk of moving to Germany against the risk of doing nothing—and Germany won.

    I was in a life situation that lent itself to my taking this kind of risk. I had just finished my second year of national service with AmeriCorps, and I didn’t have any full time job offers. I didn’t like the city I was living in, I didn’t have any debt or dependents, and my parents and siblings were in excellent health, but lived far away.

    I weighed the risk of moving to a strange land against losing my significant other by staying where I was, with no job, and no family nearby.

    It seemed like an easy answer, although I still went through a risk-evaluating process I had honed through years of previous experiences. In the end, I decided that the risk of doing nothing was far greater than the risk of moving continents.

    Of course, I couldn’t have come to that decision or even developed a risk-evaluating process without experiences in not taking risks.

    During my undergraduate studies, I was offered an exciting opportunity to study in Thailand. Thailand has nothing to do with my studies, and the opportunity would have taken me away from everyone I knew and thrust me into a very foreign country.

    I was afraid of the culture shock, the possibility of extending my studies, the language barrier, and just about everything else. I thought it sounded much more sensible to stay where I was, with my friends, and to continue my studies the way I had planned.

    Later, when I heard the stories from the students who had recently returned from Thailand, I knew I had made the wrong choice. I had blindly let fear be the only deciding factor of my decision, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen again.

    So when I was again faced with an opportunity to move somewhere totally foreign, I knew I had to take the risk.

    Sometimes my hands shook as I packed my three boxes of stuff, which was all I could afford to ship across an ocean. Looking into the unknown was terrifying, but I had weighed the risk, and so I nervously walked onto a plane and moved to Germany.

    To most people, I looked like a total idiot, or at least, I looked like someone who had risked way too much. The fact was I had calculated the risk for myself, based on factors most people couldn’t see or didn’t know, and I knew that emotionally, mentally, and physically I could handle the risk I was taking.

    Nine months after I took what seemed like a crazy risk, but was actually a very calculated one, I am still living in Germany. I speak decent German, I have a part-time job, and I am attending graduate school for free.

    My risk paid off, in part because I was able to think about what I was risking and what I would have risked by doing nothing.

    When you are faced with a decision and are wondering if it is worth the risk, it may help to ask yourself these questions:

    • Am I risking more than I am able, physically, mentally, or emotionally, at this time?
    • Will I be able to take this opportunity again at some other point?
    • Are my fears based on real danger, or just on the fear of the unknown?
    • What other possible opportunities do I risk by taking/not taking this opportunity?
    • Is the risk of doing nothing greater than what I risk by taking this opportunity?

    If we think about risks with these questions and process the risk of doing nothing, we are likely to make choices that seem risky, even crazy, to others, but make sense for each of us in our own lives.

    The truth is that no matter how much we try to avoid risk and hide from pain, it will still find us, even if it is just in the form of regret. It’s far better to weigh each risk for ourselves and decide which risks are right for us to take than to always let the fear of risks force us to take the risk of doing nothing.

    Photo by John Nakamura Remy

  • Breaking the Rust: 7 Tips to Move Forward When You Feel Stuck

    Breaking the Rust: 7 Tips to Move Forward When You Feel Stuck

    Rusty Chain

    “Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud

    The squeak emanating from my office chair had finally become unbearable. Like a slow drip of acid on the surface of my psyche, it had finally burned its way into my head.

    I stopped working on the article I was writing and strode into the garage to retrieve my toolbox. Time to replace that rusted out wheel with the shiny new one that I’d bought months ago.

    I leapt into action purposefully. Today, things would change.

    Three of the four bolts holding the wheel in place were out when things ground to a halt, as the last bolt was stuck.

    How many times do you find yourself embarking on a path of change when you are stopped dead in your tracks? You find something has rusted over time and does not want to move.

    You try various methods to loosen that one bolt—you curse it, try several different types of pliers, stop multiple times to make sure you’re actually turning the bolt the correct way. (God forbid you’re tightening it!) Why is this one bolt frustrating your attempts at transformation?

    So what happens?

    You put the bolts back in, liberally apply some WD-40 to the wheel to make the offending sound go away for now, and go on with your life, even though you know the irritation will be back soon enough.

    This scenario surfaces time and time again in my personal life.

    I am a person who does not like conflict and usually tries to find the smoothest path out of drama; I have been called a peacemaker.

    I toiled for years in several jobs that did not allow me to chase my own dreams. I kept my dreams buried under layers of personal rust. On the outside I appeared to be the dutiful husband, father, and employee while on the inside I was languishing. 

    I would decide it’s time to fix my issues only to be turned back by some preconceived notion that had frozen me into an uncomfortable position.

    My first marriage fell apart, a casualty to my own emotional stagnation. My wife pointed it out several times but I refused to change. I was stuck on a path I never wanted to be on. I was unfulfilled and it showed to those closest to me.

    My daughters grew up from infants to beautiful young ladies, yet I still didn’t follow my own path. I listened to the accumulated voices in my head telling me to follow the rules, don’t rock the boat. 

    The ultimate irony was that while I was stuck, I was telling my daughters to follow their dreams. At nights I would lay awake dreaming about the path I had abandoned but was too afraid to follow.

    I met a fascinating woman who challenged all of my ideas of what a partner could be. She dared me, pushed me, loved me, and encouraged me to listen to my heart.

    My first wife loved me, but unfortunately my frustrations—my rust—had helped drive her away. I vowed not repeat my earlier mistakes and slowly learned to trust my heart. In time, I found myself starting to loosen the stuck bolts holding my own squeaky wheel in place.

    How many times in life have you allowed the rust to accumulate around your happiness without realizing it?

    You approach the issue with resolve, vowing that this time you will make that change you’ve been thinking about (finding a new job, moving into a new department, going back to school, chasing a dream you thought was impossible).

    Yet you allow yourself to be turned back due to something that you perceive as being out of our control. You quietly shake your fist at the sky and curse the gods.

    How do you break the rust? How do you move forward in your development and inner peace?

    1. Figure out what the rust is composed of.

    The rust is inside you; you created it, and it’s inside your own head. Figure out what the issues are that allow you not to make this change you so desperately want to make.

    Retreat to a place where you can relax and search your soul. Define your goals, dreams, and aspirations, and realistically list all of the pros and cons for each.

    2. Conquer the “everybody’s.”

    In the book Finding Your Own North Star, author Martha Beck talks about the forces that limit us and hold us back. She refers to these forces as the “everybody’s”—as in “everybody says that is a bad idea,” “everybody tells me to stay in my current job,” “everybody says I am lucky to be doing what I am doing.”

    The question you have to ask yourself is: Who are these people? Are they real or a figment of your imagination? Often, they are the accumulated detritus of messages that have touched upon your psyche over the years.

    Write out your goals, things that make you happy, things you deserve in a fulfilled life, and then create two columns underneath each item. In the left column write down who would want you to achieve your ideals and in the right column, the people who would not want you to succeed in them.

    Hopefully there are no names on the left hand side, but if there are you have some serious soul searching to do. Who are the people restraining you? Do they really not want you to be fulfilled? Do they like seeing you unhappy or are they more encouraging than you give them credit for?

    Talk to them and find out what they really feel. I bet you will soon be able to move their name to the right hand side of your ledger of contentment. If you still have a few names on the left, ask yourself if you should let them direct your life choices. Who would you rather listen to, the large roster of supporters on the right or the few on the left?

    When you find yourself looking at your list you’ll soon realize who is holding you back—it’s you.

    3. Become a positive feedback junkie.

    Remove yourself from negative influences and surround yourself with people and situations that keep you focused on your ultimate goal. Become your own cheerleading squad. I kept a notebook where I recorded my inner thoughts—lists of what made me happy, daily victories, and the eventual objective.

    4. Build up your professional network.

    There are numerous individuals and organizations looking for forward-focused people. Linked In is a powerful tool in today’s business world. Dive into it.

    5. Ask for help.

    Many have changed their lives and are happy to help you. You will be surprised by how many people will step up. It’s human nature to want to help others.

    6. Realize it’s going to be hard, damn hard.

    Only you can change your path. Work on it after work, on weekend, before bed, anywhere you have free time. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones. Remember the age-old question: How do you eat an elephant? The answer: one bite at a time.

    7. Imagine the end result, focus on the good, not the bad, and keep going.

    As Winston Churchill said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

    Recently I decided to leave a job I had been out for eight years. I enjoyed my coworkers but found myself uninspired and stagnant. My career had stalled.

    I did not come to this decision easily. It took months and months of soul searching to realize it was time to break the rust and move in a different direction. I gave notice and have not looked back since.

    I am in control of my destiny. My network is pointing out leads for me, inspiring me and advising me.

    What I have found is that people I meet are happy for me and ask how they can help. I’m excited about following the new path in front of me even if a little nervous about the potential to take a wrong turn.

    I am feeling more complete than ever before in my life, but I have to continually watch for fresh rust amassing.

    What a great feeling it is when you’re able to sit back into that favorite chair of yours and know once and for all that you have fixed the annoying squeak that was not allowing you to enjoy it anymore. Imagine a life and career where you are happy. It can happen. Just break that rust.

    Photo by Calsidyrose

  • Stop Resisting: Surrender to Your Body to Transform It and Your Life

    Stop Resisting: Surrender to Your Body to Transform It and Your Life

    Surrender

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Most people don’t realize that your relationship with your body affects your entire life. Why? Because if you are fighting with your body, you are fighting with yourself. And if you are fighting with yourself, you are resisting what you truly desire in life.

    I know too well what it feels like to fight with your body. I had the same fear as most people…

    If I love my body as it is today, it will get worse. I will gain more weight. If I keep my constant attention on it, remind myself hourly how much I don’t like it, it will transform.

    Sure sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Has anyone ever “hated themselves skinny” and had healthy, long lasting results? Or how about the opposite? Has anyone ever “loved themselves fat”? And I am not talking about the love you think you are giving yourself by eating a package of Oreo cookies. I am talking true, authentic love causing the body to gain massive amounts of weight.

    And yet this is our fear: that if we were to love ourselves, love our bodies as they are in this moment, we would get worse. But remember, what you fight you strengthen.

    The more I fought with my body for gaining weight, the more weight I gained.

    Then, one sunny day as I was driving, singing along to my favorite tunes, thinking about what new clothes I wanted to purchase at the mall, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

    Before I could comprehend what this thing was, everything went black. To this day, I can’t be fully sure whether everything went black because my eyes were closed or because my airbag deployed, but either way I knew that I was no longer on my path to the mall.

    In what felt like the most extreme game of bumper cars, I finally came to a stop as my Chevy truck flipped on to the side with me on the freeway and my passenger door above me.

    Turns out I was hit by five cars, one car for each lane on the freeway. And although I was able to safely exit my vehicle the next morning, I quickly learned that I was not able to lift my own head and, therefore, couldn’t move freely on my own.

    As I lay on the couch each day, unable to lift my own head, I no longer had the strength to fight against my body and, therefore, my body finally had the ability to let go. And after thirty days of only moving with help to get to and from the bathroom, my body released ten pounds.

    It is safe to say that some people would have gained weight injured on the couch. There are very specific reasons that my body didn’t, one of which was my ability to simply be okay with where I was.

    I wasn’t angry that I couldn’t move. I wasn’t upset that I could no longer work out. I certainly wasn’t fighting with the idea of a much-needed vacation from working. And I decided to treat it as just that—a vacation from my everyday life. The life that I had set up for myself that was so stressful and impossible to maintain.

    I relaxed and enjoyed not needing to do anything but heal.

    I realized that there are more important things in life then losing weight, like being able to lift my head again.

    I allowed my body to rest and stopped punishing it for being the way it was.

    And I finally allowed my body and myself a much-needed break from the stress of trying to lose weight.

    I highly recommend surrendering to your body without being hit by five cars. Here are three tips to get you started:

    1. Become present where you are.

    The first step is to be honest with yourself and admit where you are to establish a starting point for your growth. Otherwise, this would be like trying to drive to New York without knowing if you are in California, Florida, or Mississippi.

    It also follows along with the theme that what you fight, you strengthen. The longer you ignore where you are or pretend you are not where you are, the longer you’ll stay there.

    When you let yourself be in your body without needing to have a different one, you release the resistance and have the ability to move forward toward a life you truly desire.

    When you are desperately clinging to a different body with all your might, convinced that this is what will bring you all the happiness, contentment, and love in the world, you will find that an alternate physical appearance simply doesn’t create the internal feelings you are after.

    Therefore, even if you achieve this physical body that you desire, it will come with a sense of emptiness, as you still must learn how to simply be where you are with full presence and love, no matter what.

    2. Feel your feelings.

    In order for me to find acceptance for myself, I had to feel. I had gone so many months feeling completely numb to everything and then wondering, “Why can’t I just love myself?”

    In order for me to love myself, I had to first admit that I wasn’t happy. In fact, I was out right pissed off. And after a celebratory pity party, followed by many tears, I could finally move forward.

    When we ignore what we feel, we think we can make it go away. However, just the opposite is true. Not feeling our feelings isn’t a way to make sure we never have sadness; it’s a way to start an inner battle for however long it takes you to finally feel sad.

    The minute you admit that you are in fact pissed off, frustrated, and down right suspicious of your body, you will release the resistance, call off the fight, and move toward an overall feeling of lightness.

    3. Find peace and calm.

    It’s no secret that a stressful environment is not conducive for lasting results in your life, yet so many people live each day in a stressed out body, wondering why they can’t release their weight and feel lighter.

    Then to make matters worse, they obsess over their food and spend hours at the gym without even taking a moment to breathe.

    In order to find acceptance for your body and release your weight, you first want to create the most peaceful environment in your body as you possibly can.

    This doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself in a room with your Pure Zen CD for a month; it means you begin to find places in your life where you can introduce more peace and calm easily—for example, your own thoughts and beliefs. Why not zen those puppies out?

    Instead of believing that weight loss is hard and your appetite is too big, why not believe that in the past weight loss has been challenging and now you are open and ready to receive an approach that feels easy and effortless? And your appetite isn’t too big, but maybe you need to learn how to better connect to your body and hear your hunger and fullness cues.

    We tend to take on very stressful thoughts and beliefs about weight that will inhibit our bodies’ ability to release the weight easily and effortlessly. If you believe weight loss is hard, painful, and full of restriction, then it will be. If you believe that weight loss is intuitive, insightful, and transformative, then it will be.

    You get to choose what your weight loss journey looks like. I suggest you choose a path that feels calm and peaceful in order to enjoy each step of the way without being so dependent on the end result to fill you up.

    When you become present with exactly where you are, feel all your feelings, and find your peace and calm, you now have the ability to stop fighting. The battle that you have been facing with your body and weight will finally be done as you wave your white flag and admit that you are tired of the fight.

    This doesn’t mean you aren’t giving up on your true desires. You are deeply aligning with them.

    You are admitting that this whole weight loss thing isn’t something that you want to control anymore. That maybe there is a better way to release your weight that doesn’t suck. And you’re reminding yourself that when you desire something, the ability to have it has to be present.

    Therefore, you have no reason to focus so intently on losing weight anymore. Instead, you get to focus on living your best life in this moment, wherever you are.

    Remember this, you’re not weak or pathetic for surrendering. You are smart and powerful.

    You have the ability to say that you have so much love for yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes to feel good now, regardless of where you are. And this is the most powerful move you can make for lasting results in your body and your life.

    Photo by Scott

  • How to Use Your Flaws as Creative Inspiration

    How to Use Your Flaws as Creative Inspiration

    “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou

    I love my skin because not only does it protect and make me human, it also inspires me to make art.

    Being an artist, I’m always finding inspiration in my day-to-day life. Well, ten years ago that came in the form of irritating and weird looking welts that appear on my skin when I barely scratch. It was so embarrassing when people would see the itchy welts and ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

    I have dermatographia. It’s a skin condition in which histamine is released when the skin is lightly scratched, causing capillaries to dilate and welts to appear. While it’s not life threatening and doesn’t hurt, it sure can be uncomfortable and annoying when those red marks manifest.

    Rather than let it get to me, I decided to make dermatographia beautiful by drawing patterns on my skin to photograph. At first I did it quietly, not showing anyone, then slowly I let others see what I’d been working on. People really liked the photographs, so I kept making them and eventually made a website.

    Pretty soon the images spread online and I got emails from other dermatographics thanking me for helping them realize they’re not alone having weird skin. Now when people see the welts they say, “Your skin is so cool!”

    By sharing something that was a source of shame, not only did I transform my own relationship to my skin, I also helped others feel more comfortable in their own skin. If I had kept this skin condition to myself I wouldn’t have been lucky enough to communicate with some of the 5% of the population that also has it.

    Over the years I’ve learned that creativity comes from within, from exploring your own interests of course, but also from exploring what you dislike or find annoying about yourself and others. What might be considered a weakness can actually be your greatest strength!

    Creative inspiration exists everywhere; you just have to pay attention.

    Your body is a gift, your life is a gift, and we are meant to learn from all of it. Our ‘flaws’ teach us about self-acceptance and love. Every person is a miracle, including you. Shift your perception to see yourself as the beautiful, creative, and inspired person you are.

    Here are some suggestions to transform something you may have considered a flaw into a source of inspiration:

    1. Make a list of physical and/or emotional traits you consider to be strengths.

    Identifying these can help you also identify weaknesses by adding contrast to the exercise. You may want to interview someone you trust, asking what they like and admire about you or what they consider to be your strengths.

    2. Now make a list of things you consider to be weaknesses or flaws.

    Pay attention to the things you dislike or find annoying about others. The world around us acts as a mirror, so if we see something in another that is bothersome, odds are there’s some of that in ourselves. Conversely, if you see something you admire, there’s some of that in you too.

    3. Recognize how these flaws limit the way you show up in the world.

    Are any of these weaknesses things you’ve told people about? Or do you tend to keep them to yourself or hide them? Really own up to what you may be ignoring or ashamed about, and what you may be trying to hide.

    For instance, if you snort when you laugh maybe you try to contain it for fear of drawing attention to that sound. Or, perhaps you don’t like the shape of your legs so you always keep them covered. More than likely, if you feel there’s a ‘flaw,’ you’ll try to cover it up.

    4. Now let your imagination run wild!

    I like to call this free association brainstorming. No thought is too small or insignificant, so write down whatever comes to mind after doing the previous exercises.

    Here are some things to consider:

    How can you do something positive with this perceived flaw? What do you find compelling or beautiful about it that others would also find interesting? What might be possible if you stopped trying to hide it? What would you do differently if you believed this flaw to be a strength that makes you unique?

    Try to write a little bit each day as more things come up based on your experience. This writing could be the source of a great big idea!

    5. Choose a creative outlet that leverages your flaw.

    Find a form that feels good to you, whatever medium that might be. It could be a blog post (start a blog if you haven’t already—it could be private for only select people to view), write a story or essay, make art (drawings, sculpture, photographs, paintings, etc.), or even just speak with your friends and family about what you consider to be a flaw, and how you’d like to transform it into something inspiring.

    People you choose to share with may also have helpful input that can be further inspiration, and they will be touched by your willingness to share. They may even be moved to transform their own flaws because of you!

    And above all, love your body, personality, and of course, your skin—because it loves you back.

    What’s your flaw, and how can you use it as creative inspiration?

  • Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup

    Coping with the Pain of Loneliness After a Breakup

    Breakup

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

    I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.

    Most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.

    The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.

    The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.

    Everything that was once familiar has now changed.

    It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.

    It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.

    However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.

    I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.

    I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.

    Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.

    For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed like it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.

    In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.

    Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:

    Feel your emotions.

    When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.

    During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.

    However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.

    I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.

    As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.

    Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.

    Listen to your own advice.

    I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.

    These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting out of the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.

    Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.

    Maybe you are someone like me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.

    Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step out of your comfort zone into the unknown.

    Realize there is nothing to fix.

    We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives. But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.

    While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.

    In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.

    Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.

    Accept how it is.

    Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.

    I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.

    How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.

    Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.

    I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.

    It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.

  • 5 Steps to Deal with Emotional Baggage So It Doesn’t Define You

    5 Steps to Deal with Emotional Baggage So It Doesn’t Define You

    Woman and a Suitcase

    “Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” ~Ha Jin

    You’ve probably heard of the fear of missing out but what about the fear of letting go?

    My father was volatile and mentally unstable. Criticism was his preferred method of communication. As a child and teenager, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings locked away and became an expert at deflecting personal questions.

    Without realizing it, I carried this habit into adulthood, avoiding any talk about my feelings or turning them into a joke. When a friend finally called me on it, the shock of self-recognition quickly turned to resistance. This is who I am, I thought. Why should I change?

    I plodded on, working as hard as ever to keep my fortress intact. It wasn’t making me happy yet I wasn’t ready to change.

    As I struggled with my desire to cling to hurtful memories and self-defeating behaviors, it dawned on me that I was afraid to let go because defensiveness was part of my identity.

    The problem wasn’t that I had baggage—everyone has baggage—but that it had come to define me. I didn’t know who I would be without it. At that point it hit me: I had to dig deep, discover the person I wanted to be, and then act on it.

    After I identified that I was holding on to the past because it seemed too important to jettison, I discovered that letting go is harder than it sounds. Relaxing a long-held belief isn’t a one-day, one-week, or even a one-year process. However, it is possible.

    This is the five-step process I discovered:

    1. Write an honest list of the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that weigh you down.

    Grab a pen and notebook, find a quiet space, and spend thirty to forty minutes thinking and writing. It is important to be honest and write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t judge what comes up, just take note.

    2. Reflect on each item and identify the source of the thought/belief.

    Travel back in time and see where you picked up these items of baggage. Do you fear intimacy because a partner cheated on you? Do you dread holidays because your parents drank too much? Acknowledge the painful memories but don’t wallow in them. Write it down and move on to the next step.

    3. Find at least one positive in each hurtful experience/situation.

    Look for the silver lining in your cloud. For example, my father’s criticism made me aware of the power of words and taught me the importance of speaking with kindness. Looking for the good in the past helps you reclaim your power. You are no longer a victim; you decide what you take from that experience.

    4. Create affirmations to foster change and counteract negative thoughts.

    Take the positives from step four and turn them into affirmations or statements of intent, i.e.: “I will speak with love” or “I will treat people with kindness.” This puts the emphasis on positive future behavior and frees you from the past. Make the affirmations tangible: put a reminder on your phone, write them on post-its, or put a list on the fridge.

    5. Practice patience and mindfulness.

    It takes time to change habits, especially when they are rooted in deep hurts or fears. Check in with yourself regularly using journaling or meditation. If you find yourself shouldering old baggage, be sure to acknowledge it, then gently release it and focus on your affirmations. Replacing negative thoughts with positive actions will help you let go for good.

    There are infinite possibilities for each of us, baggage notwithstanding. Everyone has pain. It’s part of what makes us who we are. What defines us, however, is how we handle it. One of my favorite artists, Bruce Springsteen, has some wise words on the subject:

    “You can find your identity in the damage that’s been done to you. You find your identity in your wounds, in your scars, in the places where you’ve been beat up and you turn them into a medal. We all wear the things we’ve survived with some honor, but the real honor is in also transcending them.”

    By taking the time to identify and understand our baggage and making a conscious decision to let go, we free ourselves to experience life in a richer, deeper, more meaningful way.

    Photo by Donnie Nunley

  • Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In

    Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In

    Love

    “What we seek in love is finding someone with whom we feel safe to reveal our true self.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    I wasn’t always in a relationship, but I was almost always in love.

    I even had crushes in kindergarten. I hated school because my grade school teacher didn’t like me. Maybe my crushes helped me avoid feeling the void, the loneliness, and the sense that I was not of this world, an outcast.

    Being in love let me ignore those uncomfortable feelings. Of course, I did not understand any of this at age six. Now I do.

    As an adult, I wanted a lover because I wanted someone to treat me better than I treated myself. I wanted him to fall in love and stay in love with me. I wanted this because I needed something as desperately as the desert needs water: to feel good about myself.

    I wanted someone to mirror back to me the good he saw in me—my beauty, intelligence, and worth.

    I wanted someone to accept and appreciate my quirks, even when I didn’t. I wanted someone to see me for once. I wanted to be okay in the eyes of one person, at least. It never occurred to me that that “one person” needed to be me.

    I also waited for a life partner to enjoy life. His love would protect me. I had no guarantee that I would not hurt again, but if there was one person guaranteed to love me, then I could endure other disappointments that life would throw at me.

    I wouldn’t go camping, to concerts, or even to the Sunday market unless I had someone with me who was “the one.” I missed out on so much while I waited for the love blanket to protect me so I could feel safe enough to discover myself.

    I was a love addict. And I didn’t know it.

    Society pushes this notion on us. Vacation ads feature happy couples. Valentine’s Day comes and people post pictures from their night of love on Facebook. Meanwhile, we lonely love addicts make do with heart-shaped chocolates purchased on sale one day too late.

    How much of life I allowed myself to miss! Instead of drowning in regret, I faced the truth and noted the signs of my love addiction. Maybe these symptoms will seem familiar to you:

    • You’re preoccupied with your love objects—checking their Facebook page, Googling them (many times), daydreaming about them. They become our dreams!
    • An email, text, or smile from your love object, it all sends you into ecstasy. But the next day, the void and the longing come back. The fix has lost its effect.
    • You listen to your love object’s voicemail repeatedly and save them… forever.
    • You gush about your love object any chance you get. And you project qualities you can’t own in yourself, shadow or light, onto them, because it is safer. (For example, you may detest your partner for arrogance, a quality that you deny in yourself, or idolize them for their talent, which you’ve never allowed yourself to express.)

    I am thirty-nine years old. This awareness is relatively new for me. When my last addictive relationship ended, for the first time I experienced what a heartache is.

    After we broke up, he went off to date the woman we had the biggest fights over. That broke my heart. But it also showed me that I did the right thing by leaving him. At that point, I realized he was more wounded than I was. That did give me some relief but didn’t really take the pain of self-betrayal away.

    I lost thirteen pounds in three weeks and had to drive myself to the ER.

    At ninety-seven pounds, I couldn’t eat. I knew my life was in danger and even wondered if my heart was bleeding. With compassion, the ER doctor said, “You will heal, I know, because you were strong enough to drive yourself here.”

    Yes! Right then, I began the excruciating but necessary journey into Self.

    I discovered and felt in my body how much I was depriving myself of life by getting addicted to the crumbs of love—when I actually wanted the whole loaf. I realized that I had never really believed I deserved that much.

    Then, I fell in love again. Just when I thought I was done, for a while at least. He had a similar past, so we immediately bonded.

    During our six-week relationship, I recovered from my love addiction. We used the relationship as a love lab and processed all the feelings and thoughts that came up. We swore to radical honesty and kept our word. With full transparency, we found out what happens when we just show up as ourselves—addictions and all.

    We made passionate love, shared breakfast in bed, went to the farmer’s market on Sundays, did grocery shopping, and kissed at the most beautiful spots on the island.

    He rubbed my feet as I fell asleep, and I lathered sunblock lotion on his body before we took off to the beach. I went snorkeling with him, and we swam naked in secret, secluded beaches with only turtles for discreet company.

    I understood he would move back to New York and it would end, and I appreciated this gift from the Universe, as he helped me be okay with loving someone. Period. No desperate attachment. I knew he didn’t owe it to me to stay with me forever.

    I discovered that my feelings were my own. I, not the other, was the source of my feelings.

    I wasn’t born with my feelings for him. I had created them. I had allowed them. And I was going to love Jim, Mike, Darren, and Chris in the future the same way. I realized they were the objects of my love, but they were not the bearer of it. I was.

    Oh, what a relief! What a blessing to overcome love addiction in the thick of an intense, beautiful connection. I was sad when he left, but I was not left with nothing. I had a happy life and fulfilling work. This was all new for me and I felt so light and free.

    The truth is, when you are a love addict, you have way less love in your life than you were aiming for.

    Ironic, isn’t it? The reason is simple: Making one person the only source of love does not work because love is in everything and everyone. When we miss that, we miss the point of life. Really.

    I now see love in all forms—in the guy bagging my groceries so diligently, in the blissful expression on my best friend’s face as she comes out of her massage session, or in the way the 7/11 guy jokes about my glasses that are too big for my face. Witnessing these things is love. So is painting my toenails while watching an Eckhart Tolle video on YouTube.

    I missed all this while I was hooked on someone. I missed life. I missed myself.

    I hope I live long enough to pass this onto my kids when I have them. If I have a daughter, I will teach her about real love so that she does not end up experiencing what I did. I will teach her that even if I am her mother and love her to death, she owes me nothing because she deserves it by just being her.

    We all do.

  • How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    Pure Joy

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    Ever found yourself in a rut, just waiting for some force of the Universe to pull you out?

    When ennui sets in, it can be hard to find a way back into the light, but it typically takes a series of events and choices for us to be living a life out of sync with our personal goals, values, and passions.

    Last year, I found myself in one of these ruts. After spinning my wheels for quite some time, I realized my so-called attempts at improving my circumstances were a farce—I was just exhausting my energy waiting for a savior to come to my rescue.

    Finally, when that savior never came, I snapped out of it and acknowledged I don’t live in some fantasy novel, and can’t invoke, by sheer will, a knight in shining armor. As Alice Sebold wrote in her memoir, Lucky, “You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”

    At the time, I was in a job I had long outgrown. A job that no longer provided challenge, growth, or even companionship. This alone had come to impact everything else in my life.

    Spending solitary day after solitary day was taking its toll, zapping my energy. By the end of the day, I no longer had anything left and didn’t want to do the things I normally enjoyed, like yoga or meeting with friends. I even struggled to regularly apply to new positions, disappointed and despairing with each rejection.

    Since I had just completed my masters program, I felt even more frustrated at my prospects. Had I just wasted three years of my life pursuing a degree that didn’t fit with my values or goals? Would I need to go to school all over again?

    Too many unanswered questions left me feeling hopeless and unmotivated.

    Then I met Hazel, a career coach I instantly connected with. It took me a few months, but I finally called her to schedule a session.

    Hazel helped me work through my self-limiting beliefs, determine my values—and value—and recognize that I could live authentically right now. I didn’t have to start from scratch.

    Here’s what I learned:

    1. Take the long way home.

    Sometimes it takes a literal change in perspective to change your mental perspective. During a week when my car was in the shop, I decided to walk home instead of catching the bus.

    It was raining outside, and the walk was at least seven miles, but I had nowhere to be. Some of the roads I took were roads I’d never taken before and some I’d driven many times. All of them were new to me that day.

    When I first moved to Denver, I walked everywhere, and everything was magical because it was new and special and offered up so much possibility. After being here for three years, the novelty had worn off and it was familiar—and the magic and possibility I felt at twenty-four seemed to have worn off with it.

    This walk brought me back the basics and opened my heart back up to the magic. I didn’t have to move to a new place, a place that would also inevitably become home and lose its magic if I let it. I just had to change my perspective.

    When we get bored or restless, we don’t necessarily have to move on. By taking the long way home, I fell back in love with my town, and by changing my physical perspective, I was able to see all of the possibilities that had been there all along.

    2. Move.

    I highly encourage movement to be a part of your daily life. Like anyone else, I can and will find excuses not to get outdoors or to yoga, but when I do, I feel recharged, centered, and empowered. Movement does this faster and better than anything else I’ve found.

    There’s a funny saying that if you stand on your head for a few minutes every day, you’ll change your perspective. I think this goes movement, too. When you shift your focus through movement, you start to see things a little differently, and the possibilities open up again.

    3. Surround yourself with the right people.

    There’s nothing wrong with relating to people or venting every now and again, but it’s also important to surround yourself with people and conversations that leverage enthusiasm, excitement, and satisfaction. Spend time with people who build you up, see and encourage your strengths, and who are, themselves, living authentically.

    Energy is contagious, and if you’re around positive energy and speaking with others in terms of positivity, you’ll begin to restructure your thinking, and, ultimately, the way you see and experience the world around you.

    4. Be present.

    I know, I know—this one’s been said before. But it can’t be said enough. One of the main reasons people feel dissatisfaction with their life is because they’re missing it.

    When we’re not present, we become a little numb.

    Taking in this very moment as it is, truly engaging—rather than living in your head, thinking about what comes next, or brooding (or pining) over what has past—can really heighten your appreciation and keep you from feeling that sense of emptiness that results from living somewhere other than the here and now.

    You may even be surprised by how easy it is to learn new things or remember pieces of information when you start to fully tune in.

    5. Identify your values.

    I had to identify human connection as one of my top values before I realized there was nothing wrong with me just because I couldn’t work in isolation. Once I recognized what was vital to my emotional well-being, I could pursue a life that ensured my values were a part of my daily world.

    What are your values? We often admire others and think we should be doing what they are doing to be successful and satisfied with our lives. In actuality, we probably admire them because they are living out their own truth. Authenticity is attractive, not quality X, Y or Z.

    Look within, not to others, to find your values; once you do, figure out how they can be put into action so you are living your most authentic life, and start taking steps, large or small, to make them your reality.

    6. Serve others.

    Ever notice how a little time in your head can help clarify things, while too much time just makes everything murkier? Get out of there, already!

    I hate to say it, but we (and I include myself in this statement) are a bit of a self-absorbed society. When we’re always thinking about me, myself and I, we become quickly dissatisfied. Maybe it’s too much time spent with unproductive thoughts or a lack of connectedness, but this self-absorption can quickly bring us down.

    The surest way to stop thinking about yourself is to start thinking about someone else. When you do something for someone else—out of love, compassion or connectedness—not obligation, you might find you’ve forgotten your troubles, and life actually feels fuller, more meaningful.

    I believe we are all connected and thus all have our own roles to play in which we contribute to the collective good. When we connect to that role, we simultaneously connect to our purpose and to each other, filling up that hollowness we can get when we’re not feeling so in love with our life.

    Falling back in love with your life requires a little determination and reflection, but mostly it’s about letting go and just tuning in—to your most authentic self and to the world and people around you.

    Photo by bellaleb-photo

  • Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us

    Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us

    Open Arms

    “Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

    After high school I moved to the northern tip of Vancouver Island to live with my aunt and uncle and work at their fishing resort. It was a busy tourist destination at the time. Every summer the town filled with young people, home from university and eager to earn money.

    I loved my time up there. I met many interesting, colorful people from around the world who came to fish, whale watch, kayak, or merely experience the exquisite natural beauty this area has to offer.

    My aunt and uncle were incredible mentors, and I developed a strong work ethic from my time with them. I normally juggled three to four jobs, so most of my waking time was spent working in the service industry.

    I stayed there for a couple of winters and went to the community college, while also working at my various jobs. I worked hard to save up money to do a bit of traveling and to go toward my education.

    I went on an amazing adventure to Australia and New Zealand with my best friend from childhood. Afterward, I returned to my life with my aunt and uncle to work and save more money to go to school in the city, which was closer to where I was from.

    During that time I met a young man who had grown up in this small town. He had a nice family and was a good person, and for the sake of this story, we’ll call him Bill.

    While I was working and busy, my life was very unbalanced and there was no time for a social life (outside of traveling). I enjoyed having Bill in my life for companionship and to have some resemblance of a social life that most nineteen-year-olds surround themselves with.

    Naturally, my aunt and uncle weren’t pleased about my relationship with Bill. While I didn’t see it at all at the time, I realize now that they saw something in me I didn’t see in myself. I had big dreams for my life and spent hours talking to my aunt about travel, education, and plans for my future.

    Bill didn’t have these same aspirations for his life. His looked much different than mine. By different, I don’t me better or worse; we just didn’t have the same passions or much in common other than where we lived at the time.

    Nevertheless, Bill and I were convinced it was a good idea for him to move and go to school with me, even though he was most comfortable and happy where he was.

    During this time together, it became clear to me, and him too I’m sure, that we weren’t actually a great fit and didn’t really bring out the best things in each other. However, we were young and didn’t have a lot else to compare our relationship to. We had become a security blanket to each other during this transitional time of life.  

    We separated for a short time and instead of parting ways, which would have been the most natural and reasonable thing to do, we got back together and got engaged!

    Looking back, I so clearly see how lost and stuck I was. My inner voice was screaming at me to take chances, be bold, and chase my dreams, but my lack of confidence and fear of pretty much everything made it so much easier to play it safe with Bill.

    By safe I don’t mean comfortable and content. I mean it was a good distraction and reason to not be true to who I was.

    I was so stuck and suffocated by my fear of being seen and dreaming big that it was much easier to put my blinders on and hide away with someone who didn’t at all want the same things that I truly did.

    I remember our wedding day so clearly. I was twenty-three at the time, and the overwhelming sense of fear and dread was paralyzing, I felt like a fraud in my own life. I was in tears and couldn’t articulate my feelings of regret to my bridesmaids and grandfather, all eager to walk me down to Bill.

    We chalked it up to nerves, and once again I stuffed down my inner voice that was screaming to me to wake up. Besides, at the time I would have never in a million years risked disappointing the people who had come that day to wish us well, even though I knew in my heart it was not right.

    I was so lost that I didn’t want to admit my mistake to myself or to wake up and begin living the life I yearned to live. I am pretty sure I may have carried on unhappily and lost forever after.

    I was so deep in the muck of denial that I don’t know if I ever would have made the brave choice to let Bill know we had made a mistake.

    Instead, we stayed together, he living on one end of the island working, me on the other going to university. After a year of this, it was Bill who mustered up the courage to admit we weren’t a good fit and that he didn’t want the same things I did.

    I’m sure there were many people waiting to see me crumble after being ‘dumped’ by Bill. I was just so relieved that I couldn’t bear to spend time giving thought to anything other than the fact I felt like I could breathe again.

    While it did take a bit of time to get on my feet and back onto my path, I was finally starting to listen and honor my inner voice.

    I made a pact with myself to start trusting myself and begin doing things that were uncomfortable and out of my reach to stretch and grow. I didn’t ever want to return to that place where I allowed myself to lose faith in myself. 

    I use this failed relationship story as an example because it had a huge impact on my life and learning. For me, the lesson isn’t just about what a happy, healthy relationship looks like vs. an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

    It’s so much more about the importance of allowing our inner voice to be heard and honored, not just in relationships but in everything we do in life.

    Trusting myself has been a huge life lesson and one I continue to practice and learn from.

    Life looks different for me now. I have been very happily married for eight years and am on the path that feels right and natural. We bring out the best in each other and are supportive of each other’s hopes and dreams. I now listen and give my inner voice the respect it deserves.

    Of course, life still presents challenges, but when I find myself feeling unsettled or staying in the place of self-doubt for longer than necessary, I do what I can to get clear and be honest with myself, instead of hiding or stuffing away my true feelings.   

    Writing is an excellent tool that I use to help me gain clarity in situations, or when I need to make big decisions. I also find it helpful to go for a run or exercise to clear busy thoughts and create the necessary space to be able to tap into what feels right.

    I believe that when we allow ourselves to find the space to hear our own truth, more often than not our inner self will have the answers and wisdom that will steer us in the direction we most need at the time.

    Photo by Graeme Law

  • How the Word “Should” Can be Harmful and 3 Empowering Alternatives

    How the Word “Should” Can be Harmful and 3 Empowering Alternatives

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson

    How many times a day do you use the word “should” in reference to yourself or other people? I don’t know about you, but I used to use it a lot.

    The word “should” has become a fixture in our everyday dialogue. We use it in conversation with others, as a way of motivating ourselves or keeping ourselves in check, and to express a myriad of feelings, including frustration, guilt, and regret.

    As I’ve become more interested in my internal dialogue and how it affects the way I feel about myself, show up in the world, and live my life, I’ve started to realize just how insidious the word “should” can be.

    Although I used to “should” myself about a variety of things, many times each day, I realized that telling myself I should be doing more or being more wasn’t actually helping me do more or be more, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t enough as I was.

    Equally, I realized that when I told other people they should or shouldn’t do something, I wasn’t respecting their ability to make the best decisions for themselves. That didn’t fit with my personal philosophy (that people are free to do what they want as long as they’re not harming others), and I knew I wasn’t being the best friend or partner while I was using “should”-based vocabulary.

    Since I had these realizations, I’ve been on a quest to replace my “should” with alternative vocabulary that is healthier and more accepting—both of myself and of other people. The longer I’m on this quest, the more I realize the damage the word “should” does to our self-relationship and our relationships with others. Here is what I’ve discovered so far:

    Two Major Problems with Using the Word “Should”

    When we use the word “should,” we’re not accepting reality. We’re talking about things that we wish were so, but aren’t (or vice versa). Whenever I used the word “should” when talking to myself, it was motivated by a lack of self-acceptance rather than encouragement.

    As Dr. Shad Helmstetter explains in his book What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, when we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we’re implicitly reinforcing the idea that we’re not doing it.

    If we say to ourselves “I should really meditate more often,” the unspoken follow-up to that sentence is “…but I don’t.

    Equally, if we say, “I should really be exercising this morning,” the unspoken ending to that sentence is “…but I’m not.”

    In the long-term, when we tell ourselves or other people that we should or they should be doing something (as well-meaning as we might be), we’re reinforcing the negative, and the fact that we or they are not doing it.

    Alternatives to “Should”

    I won’t pretend that removing the word “should” from my vocabulary has been easy, or that I’ve arrived and currently inhabit a “should”-free existence. I used to use the word “should” a lot and, in truth, I think it’s something I’ll have to keep an eye on for the rest of my life.

    For now, however, I’ve found some alternatives helpful in overcoming my habit of “should”-ing myself and other people.

    1. Focus on the benefits.

    Instead of telling myself I “should” be doing more of something, I try to focus on why I want to do that particular thing.

    Instead of saying “I should do more yoga,” I remind myself of why I want to do this: “I feel great when I do yoga a few times each week,” “I enjoy feeling myself relax and stretch out when I do yoga,” or “I feel a greater sense of self-connection when I make time to connect my body and my breathing in yoga.”

    2. Focus on how the activity fits with your values.

    One of the biggest things I used to “should” myself about was being on time. I struggled to turn up on time for work, appointments, meeting up with friends, and pretty much anything that was due to start at a set time. It was a constant battle with myself and, of course, telling myself “You should be on time” or “You shouldn’t be late” did nothing to change my tardiness.

    Instead, I started reframing this from the perspective of my values. I started telling myself “It’s really important to me to be on time,” or “I want to live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do, when I say I’m going to do it.”

    3. Focus on accepting and exploring reality.

    I used to think that I shouldn’t feel angry or jealous. I had heard they were “unhealthy” feelings to experience and had the belief that there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. No matter how much I told myself that I shouldn’t feel these things, however, they didn’t go away.

    Now, I focus on accepting my experience. Instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking _____,” I take a step back and say, “Okay, I’m feeling/thinking _____. I wonder why that’s happening now?”

    Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice. But it is possible, and it comes with great rewards. Replacing “should” with more helpful dialogue will lead to a kinder relationship with yourself, and better relationships with the people around you too.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

    I keep a prism hanging near the entrance to my home. Its beauty, made possible only by the broken nature of the glass from which it is constructed, serves as a constant reminder that even the broken pieces within each and every one of us can serve as a source of light. It’s a lesson that took me some time to learn.

    Shortly after graduating from college, I took a long, brutally honest look at my life and realized that it had become stagnant and nearly joyless. I was entrenched in a profoundly unhappy relationship, working too much, and laughing too little. I decided then to make a change.

    I acknowledged that the lies I told myself—that I was unlovable, somehow broken, or a victim of an abusive past—had created a world in which deep happiness was seen only in glimpses.

    I accepted as truth that I had not just a right to find happiness but a duty to do so, and I dedicated myself to its pursuit. I ended that relationship, negotiated better hours at work, and set my mind to finding joy. 

    On an academic level, I did everything I could to ensure the growth of my spirit: I cultivated meaningful relationships, I kept a gratitude journal, I did yoga. I read and discussed countless books and articles about age-old wisdom and the secrets of happiness.

    Through dedicated action and a commitment to growth, I was able to rewire my brain to invite and accept happiness in myriad ways.

    But, on a personal level, my path was less clear. Some days I was astonished by the sheer beauty of life and felt fully connected and present. I had profound moments of clarity in which I knew that I was a part of the great fabric of the universe and, as such, deeply beautiful.

    But some days old patterns of dysfunctional thought would creep in. 

    I was astounded to find that my perception of my appearance could throw an entire morning off, or that I still struggled to understand why any person should love me.

    I battled disappointment and sadness as I grappled with those unwelcome thoughts. In those moments of darkness, I began to question whether I had grown at all.

    Meanwhile, friends, family members, and acquaintances would confide in me that my approach to life, cheerful nature, and natural light was an inspiration to them. As I shared some of the wisdom that I had learned during my journey toward self-discovery, I helped those around me ease their own suffering. Yet, still I questioned myself.

    I wondered, “How can I help anyone else when I don’t feel whole?” 

    It was during one of those moments of deep uncertainty that a dear friend urged me to acknowledge my own light.

    He asked me to imagine a world in which I hadn’t shared my joy, a place devoid of the little transformations I had made.

    I had to admit that if I had allowed those moments of darkness to overshadow the clarity I had achieved, the world would be a tiny bit less bright. I acknowledged that it was my duty to prevent that.

    I had to set aside fear—fear that I was not good enough, not complete enough—in order to allow my light to shine.

    There is a quote by Stephen Cope, from The Great Work of Your Life, that I have hanging in my bedroom. It reads, “Each of us feels some aspect of the world’s suffering acutely. And we must pay attention. We must act. This little corner of the world is ours to transform. This little corner of the world is ours to save.”

    With that in mind, I am able to act—to offer love, support, help, and kindness when I can. I am able to shine. It is, in fact, our suffering that allows us to transform the little corner of the world that is ours.

    The path to self-growth is not linear. It is a meandering journey through mountains and valleys, and occasionally there are more lows than highs. But it is a journey ever onward, and it is our light—that same light that exists in every one of us—that guides the way, if only we allow it to shine.

    Invite yourself to embrace every aspect of your being. Perhaps there will be times that you feel less than whole, but when those moments come, encourage yourself to remember a time when you made the world a more positive place. Regardless of where you are on your path, that moment mattered.

    The moment you share your light, the world becomes a brighter place.

  • Dealing with Depression: 10 Ways to Feel Positive and Peaceful

    Dealing with Depression: 10 Ways to Feel Positive and Peaceful

    “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~Christopher Reeve

    I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. My experiences have also caused severe post-traumatic stress disorder.

    My father has been abandoning me for my whole life. As a teenager, I went to live with him because my relationship with my mother was so difficult. He sexually abused me for the year that I lived with him.

    At the age of seventeen, I sought solace by turning to what I thought was God. For the next twenty-eight years I held a set of beliefs that were angry and judgmental and made me feel cut off from others, including my family and those in my own church.

    Because of my experiences with my father and the church, I had a hard time living in the moment and enjoying life. I lived with low self-esteem and had trouble establishing healthy boundaries in relationships, which caused me to continue to create painful interactions with others.

    When I was forty-five years old, I sought relief from my depression and loneliness through self-help books. I quickly found my way to author and publisher Louise Hay and began my journey of enlightenment and healing.

    Over the last couple of years, through therapy and continued reading, I have discovered some tools to help me feel more positive, peaceful, and joyful. I notice when I use them consistently, I recover faster from periods of depression. Perhaps they will help you, too, when you are feeling depressed.

    1. Focus on self-love.

    Some ways to do that are: be patient and compassionate with yourself, release perfectionist standards, remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities and talents, and give yourself praise and encouragement.

    Doing a self-love meditation is especially comforting and uplifting for me. I talk to myself like I would to someone else that I want to express love to. It feels amazing to give myself what I want and need.

    2. Listen to your inner child, without resistance.

    Allow her to feel and express what she is going through and grieve when she needs to. Let him know that you are always there to listen and to love him.

    When my inner child feels angry, I validate and soothe her. I let her know that she deserves to have relationships that feel good and have healthy boundaries within them.

    3. Notice how you feel in your body when you are upset.

    As you observe your unpleasant sensations, name them. For instance, I feel heaviness in my chest, I feel like crying, my arms are warm, my head feels like it’s going to explode, my stomach hurts, my muscles are tight.

    As you simply allow your sensations to be, you will notice that they start to dissipate on their own. Try it. You will be amazed.

    When I do this exercise, I may also notice the thoughts that are causing the troubling sensations. I have learned that in spite of my unpleasant sensations, I can still hold a positive thought or belief and when I do, I feel better.

    So, I may say something like this to myself, “In spite of all of these unpleasant sensations, I know that things can work out the way that I want them to.”

    4. Ask someone else for what you need.

    One day I was feeling very disconnected from others, so I called a friend of mine and asked if she had time to come by and give me a hug. She said she loves hugs and she came over for a short visit to give me one, which gave me the sense of connection that I needed and wanted to feel.

    Here are some examples of things you might ask for: a massage, a favor, someone to listen to you or to help you problem-solve, or a date with your partner or a friend or family member.

    Something I do on a regular basis is ask the Universe for a gift. I always get what is perfect for me at that time. Sometimes a wonderful new thought fills my mind and lifts me up or I receive guidance on an important issue, and other times I receive an unexpected monetary gift or an interaction with someone that makes me feel loved or appreciated.

    5. Participate in enjoyable activities to help you get out of your head and into the present moment.

    Some things you can do are: meditate, spend time with (or call) a friend or family member, read, do a hobby that you love, listen to music, take a hot bath, watch your favorite television show or a movie, or treat yourself to something you have been wanting.

    Spending time in nature helps me to ground myself in the present moment. It gives me an inexplicable peace and joy that surprises and rejuvenates me. I love going to the lake or for a walk or sitting on my porch, which has a beautiful view of the most wonderful trees.

    6. Focus on the thought “All things are possible.”

    You don’t have to know how you will receive your desires and you don’t have to figure anything out. Just rest, knowing that the possibilities will unfold.

    I specifically remind myself that it is possible for me to: feel well physically and emotionally, be fulfilled and prosperous, and have love, joy, and peace in my life. When I do this, I sometimes get excited as I anticipate the changes and miracles to come.

    7. Use a visualization to release your painful thoughts.

    In your mind’s eye, place negative thoughts on leaves and watch them gently float away downstream, or place the troubling words on cars of a freight train and watch them zoom away.

    When I do these exercises, I place distance between myself and what is bothering me, and I feel lighter.

    8. Practice gratitude for the good times.

    Notice when you are not depressed and take the time to be fully present in those moments and appreciate them. Notice how it feels in your body to not be depressed.

    Now that I am more aware of when I am feeling good, when depression hits, I know that I am not always depressed. I acknowledge that this too shall pass.

    9. Be productive.

    Sometimes what you need to get out of the pit of depression is to be productive. You may get depressed because you are not getting important things done, or you may be depressed and therefore not get important things done. In both of these cases, productivity may make you feel good about yourself and lift your mood significantly.

    When I feel depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything. So, I tell myself, “In spite of how I feel in my body and these upsetting thoughts, I am going to wash my dishes (or any other activity) anyway.” Once I get one thing done, I feel a sense of accomplishment and am usually motivated to get other things done.

    10. Let love in.

    Surround yourself with positive and loving people and healthy relationships. I remind myself that I deserve to have relationships that feel good and nourishing to me. I may give myself space in certain relationships and release others that are not working for me.

    I remember that people do love me, even if they don’t show it the way that I want. I know they are doing the best they can, and if they don’t love themselves, then they are not going to know how to love me. I forgive them for the ways they have hurt me or let me down, and that gives me some peace.

    I consistently practice using my tools when I feel depressed and I know that the saying “practice makes perfect” is not true. My human self will never be perfect, and that is okay.

    Not all of my tools will work every time to help me move through depression. Sometimes I use just one tool and other times, I use additional ones. I listen to myself so I will know each time what I need. And you can do the same.

    *This post represents one person’s personal experience and advice. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional. 

  • Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

    Because I am self-employed, I often find that my work is my life. There is no off switch when the day is over. Some days I get so caught up in the busyness that I completely forget myself.

    While my work is immensely meaningful and enjoyable, I believe it’s important to have other activities outside of work that bring us joy so we can live even fuller lives.

    When I get too caught up in my work of helping others, I forget the other things that are important to me. This makes me feel that I lack the balance of a multifaceted life.

    One day I realized that I was so caught up in helping other people that I completely forgot to help myself. As an introvert, it’s important to recharge my batteries by pursuing activities that recharge the soul.

    So I sat down with a pen and paper and did what most busy people do: I wrote a list.

    This was a list with a difference.

    I wrote down every single activity I enjoy. I wrote down every single activity I hadn’t tried but wanted to. And I wrote down every single place I wanted to visit.

    This was the beginning of actively creating joy in life. You can make of life what you will. Personally, I choose happiness.

    In positive psychology, a method for finding happiness and joy is being in a state of flow. You already know this feeling. It’s when you are completely tied up in what you are doing and you lose track of time because you are so engaged and stimulated in your activity.

    Often, activities that put us in a state of flow are creative—things like painting, playing music, cooking, sewing, reading, writing, and doing arts and crafts.

    Other activities that often put us in this flow state are physical. This could be gardening, hiking, bike riding, yoga, golf, and any other physical activities we enjoy.

    For ultimate happiness and health, I believe it’s important to pursue both creative and physical activities. Stimulating your mind and body leads to greater intelligence and a heightened state of awareness.

    Some might say to get into a state of flow you need to get a hobby. I think perhaps this is true. When was the last time you heard someone say they have a hobby?

    Hobbies seem to be something of the past. Today we are so busy. We get so caught up in work, family, relationships, pleasing other people, and technology that we forget to do the things we enjoy for ourselves.

    This is where my list came into play. It ended up being a multi-page list of every hobby I ever had, every activity I enjoy, and every activity I wanted to try. I then made it a priority to do at least one “happiness activity” every week.

    Taking time out of our regular day-to-day work and finding new ways to enjoy life is essential to our happiness and well-being.

    If your life is very busy, do not be fooled into thinking you have no time for hobbies. Everyone has fifteen minutes available, even if it cuts into your sleep or email time.

    Although fifteen minutes may not feel like enough time to get into a state of flow, it is enough time to feel joy and happiness. With a bit of practice, you might find you get into such a state of flow that fifteen minutes turns into an hour. Over time, you may find that these pursuits of happiness overtake the importance of busyness.

    If you think you have no hobbies now, the best way to find out what you enjoy is to remind yourself what you enjoyed as a child. Did you previously enjoy baking? Or drawing, or playing music, or playing football?

    Write yourself a list of every activity you ever enjoyed and every activity you’d like to try but haven’t yet. Pick one thing that you previously enjoyed immensely, and set yourself an appointment to give it a go again. When you are ready, set an appointment for one new activity you have never tried before.

    Your life could be transformed by this one simple act: making it a priority to do the things you enjoy.

    Ideally, you want to set time for this daily. I completely understand that this is difficult to do. At a bare minimum, you want to schedule it in weekly.

    Personally, I like to set aside one day every week to go for a hike. But sometimes if I don’t have time for that, I like to pick up my flute and improvise. If I only have a spare fifteen minutes to do this, I find the time just flies by, and it only feels like five minutes.

    Doing something like this is so good for my soul. I find that if I don’t schedule flow time, then I feel tired and overwhelmed with life. It is so important to me that I actually write it down in my diary and stick to it like any other important appointment.

    We can all experience more joy in our lives. We just need to consciously choose to create it.

  • Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Time concept

    “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

    A few years ago I was on the busy track. I was working a corporate nine-to-five job, studying at night, and trying to keep up a busy social life. I thought I was achieving it all by doing so many things at once, but really, I was just burning myself out.

    My life was a busy blur. I’d start my weeks feeling tired and end them completely exhausted. Time was a constant challenge. I was always rushing from one thing to the next, and in the little down time I gave myself off, I’d be so completely exhausted that all I could do was slump into the lounge chair and fall asleep in front of the television.

    Between working a high-pressure full-time job, studying my nights away, and maintaining a busy social life on the weekend, there was little time for me to just be. In the midst of the daily rush, there was no reflection or alone time. There was just busyness.

    Feeling this way, it didn’t take me long to realize that it was not what I wanted for myself. I was rarely happy or at ease, and I was feeling the strain big time. I pushed myself for answers and I realized that my pursuit of “doing it all” was in vain. I simply wasn’t happy.

    I wasn’t enjoying my job, and although it paid well and had some great career prospects, it drained every ounce of enthusiasm I had and left me dry.

    It would leave me feeling so dry that I’d throw myself into action during every ounce of time I had spare, to the point of exhaustion, as if to try and salvage those wasted forty-plus hours a week I’d spent at work.

    I was studying a design course three nights a week to make up for my lack of passion for my job and I was out all weekend drowning my sorrows, rewarding myself for just getting through another lackluster week.

    It was madness and something I couldn’t keep doing. Every day drained me and ate away at me just a little more, but still, time went on. The days became weeks and the weeks flowed into months.

    I wanted to jump off the busy train, but making a change was hard. Though I knew that my job wasn’t where my passions lied, I couldn’t just throw it all in and quit. I had bills to pay and my love of design was just that at the time—a love, not a moneymaker.

    I struggled for months with this decision, thinking of every possible way I could make things work. But none of them compelled me to action. The truth was, I was scared.

    Right when I was almost at breaking point, salvation came for me in the form of a company restructure. Cuts were being made and I was called up for retrenchment.

    My retrenchment was a blessing in disguise. While I was worried about how I would make it work, I knew it was the push I needed to live a simpler life, more in tune with my passions.

    With this in mind I was convinced I could make it happen. I decided, then and there, that I would pursue my studies full time to do what I loved and work whichever other jobs I needed to work to make it happen. I started looking for part-time office jobs, and to my surprise, there were some great ones.

    Within a month I’d found the perfect part-time job that would let me launch into my studies with full force while still making ends meet. I’d have to make some tough cuts to my spending to make it work, but I knew I could.

    The tradeoffs were tough at first, and living my newfound modest lifestyle wasn’t always easy, but it was more than worth it. What I soon realized was that for all the material things I’d lost, I’d gained the most valuable thing of all: the freedom of my own time.

    I now had time to breathe, think, and live.

    Today I’m living a simpler life, one of freedom and choices. I’m still actively doing things every day, but I’m doing things I truly love.

    With my design diploma in hand, I’m working as a fashion designer and writing about my creative journey on my very own website. I’m living with joy and I no longer feel busy and stressed. Instead, I am energized and passionate.

    We can get so caught up in the pursuit of busyness that we forget what we are losing. In busyness we lose our freedom, our options, and a little piece of ourselves.

    Time is freedom. It enables you pursue your dreams and go after what you love. How you spend it determines whether you experience happiness or not. And at the end of the day, it’s all you really have. 

    Jump Off the Busy Train and Reclaim Your Joy

    If you want to jump off the busy train to make a change to a simpler, more passion-filled life, here are three things you can do:

    1. Take the change step by step.

    Instead of launching right in and quitting your job without a solid plan, make sure you have everything in place to make it work.

    Look into your options for part-time work or more flexible working arrangements, like working different hours or from home. Weigh up your viable options to free yourself from busyness and determine how you can make it work financially.

    2. Accept a better outcome, even if it’s not the perfect one.

    We would all love to jump in and pursue our passions full time but often it’s not practical, at least not from the outset. Instead of striving for perfect, find a better outcome in the short term.

    It doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing approach. Right now, it might mean pursuing a passion on the side. In a years time, it might mean transitioning to a part-time working arrangement. Sometimes, good things take time.

    3. Scale back in other areas of your life.

    There is always give and take in life, and if you want to move toward a simpler, more passion filled life, there are going to be tradeoffs.

    Scaling back might involve selling your car, moving into a smaller house, and cutting back on meals out. These might all sound like big changes, but the reward you will receive every day from living in tune with what you love will far outweigh the sacrifice.

    If you’re feeling the weight of busyness in your life, challenge yourself to slow down. Don’t sell your life to the highest bidder, trading your time for dollars at the expense of your own happiness and joy. Reclaim your freedom and find a way to do what you love. Your happiness depends on it.