Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • Letting Go of the Guilt That Keeps You Chained to the Past

    Letting Go of the Guilt That Keeps You Chained to the Past

    “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, guilt, or possessions—we cannot be free.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    One night after my nine-year-old son had just gone to bed, he asked me if I would lay with him, as he was scared. I was getting ready for a busy week and was tired, so I replied, “No, you’re fine. Go to sleep.”

    When he died the following afternoon after being hit by a car, I remembered what he’d asked me. The guilt that followed me from that day on was overwhelming.

    Guilt is an emotion that we have all experienced. It can come in many forms, from simply cheating on a diet or from making a dreadful choice that affects our lives forever.

    The guilt I felt after my son died burdened me for several years. Every anniversary, I would go over and over what I hadn’t done during those last few days before his death.

    I would remember every conversation, every request. The guilt beat me up, it made me replay my mistakes, and it wasted enormous amounts of my energy, re-enacting how I could have done something differently. It made me feel bad even when I didn’t feel bad!

    I think one of the reasons it was so hard to give up and let go of my guilt was because I felt the need to punish myself after his death for all the things I hadn’t done in his life.

    I would pretend that if I had made different choices, I could have changed that day.

    People would remind me of all the things I had done for my son and the wonderful life and love he was given, but it wasn’t enough for me. I constantly questioned why I hadn’t done more.

    After a few years, I realized that guilt was consuming me and in order for me to move on, I needed to find a way to let go and forgive myself.

    I was weighed down because I was living a life consumed by the past. Guilt did not allow me to be fully present with my family, or to see all the good that I had in my life then and now.

    I had to face that I was never going to change the past, but I could change the way I remembered my precious time with my son. Once I did, I could free myself from being the victim of my story.

    Guilt was a pointless burden on top of my grief. I needed to accept the decisions that I had made and let go.

    With guidance from a reiki practitioner, I learned how to become still, empty my mind of my negative thoughts, and finally give myself permission to stop carrying this burden.

    Here are some of the ways I learned to let go of my guilt and forgive myself. If you’re also clinging to guilt and living in the past, these may help you, too.

    Stillness

    In our busy world it can be difficult to find time for stillness, and sometimes it’s easier to avoid it, since it can bring up painful emotions. But it’s only in facing the emotions that we can work through them and let them go.

    Through practicing meditation and yoga, I found that breathing deeply and slowly helped me release the stress in my body and mind.

    It allowed me observe, accept, and release my guilt, and it also helped me focus and create new, positive beliefs and thoughts.

    Over time, stillness can help us learn to identify the beliefs and thoughts that lead to guilt so we can let them go to feel lighter and less attached to stories about the past.

    Journaling

    Not long after our son died, I began to write in a journal. It really helped me to express my feelings and understand why I felt how I did.

    Start by writing down your overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to express everything. Be still and take time to read it back.

    Now ask yourself some questions, like: Do I need to hold onto to these thoughts and feelings anymore? How would changing these thoughts or feelings make a difference in my life? How is guilt holding me back?

    Answer honestly and begin to see where you can change the thoughts and beliefs you have about your situation.

    Then start writing down some new goals, affirmations, and thoughts you can have instead, and make time each day to practice them. Our journals can help us release, learn, and keep track of our progress and our goals for the future.

    Visualization/Forgiveness

    Sitting in a calm, quiet place, visualize the person you feel guilty about and ask them for forgiveness. Now, see them forgiving you, see yourself and the other person covered in light, and see yourself no longer burdened by your guilt.

    For a long time I didn’t believe I deserved forgiveness, and you may feel the same.

    Forgiveness means letting go and releasing the heaviness and the old story we have told ourselves. Forgiveness allows us see the truth and release the past.

    It’s hard to forgive yourself and accept that you deserve it, but holding onto your guilt only creates pain. Seek help from a trained practitioner if you feel you cannot do it on your own.

    Time and practice will always be your healer, so be patient and never give up.

    Realize that no one is perfect—and also that our guilt often has more to do with ourselves than those who we feel we have harmed. Guilt is often a self-created reminder of all the things we wish we had done differently for ourselves.

    In realizing that it’s in large part about us, it’s a lot easier to let it go.

    I no longer allow guilt to have power in my life, and in doing so, I can experience the fullness of life and the precious time I have with everyone I love. No matter what you feel guilty about, you deserve that too.

  • 4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    Smiling Buddha

    “Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

    I felt zapped. Depleted. Drained. Out of gas. And I wasn’t sure why.

    • Enough sleep? Check.
    • Enough exercise? Check.
    • Enough nutritious food and vitamins? Check.
    • Health check-ups and tests up to date? Check and check.
    • Reasonable schedule? Check.

    I thought I felt this way because I’d recently had surgery to remove a sizeable tumor.

    But that had gone smoothly, and I was fully recovered and back to my regular schedule.

    However, there was one thing that I noticed since the surgery: I was angry and couldn’t seem to shake it. I don’t think I realized the grip it had on me until I started trying to figure out the source of my low energy.

    I began to wonder if my anger and inability to let go of it could be the cause. I also wondered why I was so angry when the surgery and recovery had gone so well. I should have been happy that the tumor was benign.

    I was in it, but not necessarily conscious of it and not realizing what it was doing to me. The best way to describe it would be an automatic emotional reaction coupled with a lack of awareness.

    I had been zapped by my emotions!

    How we manage and deal with our emotions affects our energy big time.

    Here are four steps to process your emotions so they don’t zap your energy.

    1. Be mindful and consciously aware of your emotions.

    Before we can manage anything, we need to be aware of it instead of acting on autopilot. Awareness puts us in the driver’s seat and allows us to not only engage in the experience, but also decide how we want to respond to it. In this case, we need to realize how the energy of our emotions affects us.

    I noticed that I had been low in energy, and by the process of elimination and observing my behavior, I realized I had been stuck in anger. I had been irritable, argumentative, and overreacting to the smallest things. Once I had observed my behavior, I acknowledged that anger was becoming my main emotional state.

    The next time you catch yourself in an emotional experience, try to notice your behavior and identify the feeling behind it. This will give you insight and a new ability to manage it.

    2. Identify what thoughts are triggering the emotions. 

    Once you’ve observed your behavior and identified the emotion that’s zapping your energy, you need to see what thoughts may be triggering it.

    After I identified that I was stuck in anger, I kept thinking about the surgery and the events that led up to it. I had felt pain in my abdomen, so I went to the doctor and told her this.

    She did a regular check-up and said there was nothing wrong. I was relieved to hear this, and went home and didn’t give it another thought—until I started feeling pain again.

    I went back and told her that I felt pain and I was sure there was something wrong. It was a very strong intuitive feeling. This time she did a quick check and said, once again, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

    I questioned her about the pain, but she rolled her eyes and said, “Ignore it. At a certain age everything starts to hurt.”

    I asked if I should get a test or an ultrasound, but she said it wasn’t necessary, so, despite my intuition, I went home.

    A few days later, I was in pain again and began to think it was my imagination, because a doctor that I trusted said, “Don’t worry; nothing is wrong.”

    My intuition kept telling me I needed to get a second opinion. So I went to another doctor who immediately sent me for a test and quickly scheduled me for surgery after having found a tumor.

    Having gone back through the events, I realized that the few days before the surgery I was livid about what had happened. What if it was cancer? I let precious months slip by because I didn’t listen to my intuition.

    After the surgery, I was so focused on recovering that I guess I just put it out of my mind. After I recovered, the anger set in again, but it wasn’t until I started searching for the cause of my low energy that it started to make sense.

    The thoughts running through my mind post-surgery were: Why didn’t she take me seriously?  How dare she blow me off like that? Why didn’t I challenge her and insist on a test? All these thoughts were triggering anger. I was stuck in it, but not aware enough to figure it all out.

    Always try to connect your thoughts to the emotion you’re expressing. In recognizing the thoughts, you’re able to address them to move through the emotion.

    3. Lean into the emotion and learn from it.

    When we suppress our emotions, we send that energy underground, with toxic effects.

    Don’t suppress your emotions, but also don’t get caught in the energy of them. When we let our emotions hijack us, it’s like we’re on a runaway train. We are not in control. We may get addicted to the surge of emotion and get stuck in it.

    This is what happened to me when I was angry after my surgery; my emotion dictated my behavior, which depleted my energy. When I acknowledged what was happening and leaned into the emotion, I was able to identify the problem instead of just suppressing it.

    When we lean into an emotion, we can learn from it.

    4. Respond proactively to the emotion and transition from it.

    When an emotion lingers, we don’t have to get stuck in it.

    Now when I feel a powerful surge of emotion that I think will hijack my energy and time, I take a deep breath. I then visualize a simple picture with the cause, the emotion I’m feeling, and the action I can take to shift out of it and deal with what caused my reaction.

    For example, if something makes me angry, I visualize anger in a red circle with an arrow pointing to what caused it and another arrow pointing to the releasing action.

    The releasing action usually has two parts: The first part deals with the energy shift. For example, if I’m angry about something, I absolutely have to fit in some form of exercise as soon as possible. Even if I don’t have time and it’s just twenty sit-ups or a quick walk. This releases the energy in a healthy way and clears my mind.

    The second part deals with the cause and what action I can take to address it. In this instance, I promised myself I would always be my own advocate and insist on a test if I feel it is necessary.

    Make this process a habit and it will have a great effect on your energy, happiness, and productivity.

    You can only manage your emotions to the extent that you’re aware of them. Creating awareness gives you the chance to maximize and manage your experience. And by doing so, you can avoid getting stuck and depleting your most valuable resource: energy!

    Have you ever felt like your energy was zapped by your emotions? What helped you move past it?

    Photo by AlexanderStein

  • Peeling Back the Mask: Reconnect With Your Authentic Self

    Peeling Back the Mask: Reconnect With Your Authentic Self

    Wearing a Mask

    “You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You can find yourself by coming into the present.” ~Eckhart Tolle           

    It was 3PM on a Wednesday and I had nothing to do. An empty schedule with limitless potential. 

    I was miles from home in the freezing fog of San Francisco. The bustle of traffic reminded me of my hectic life back home, but I wasn’t bothered. I had nowhere to be and nobody to answer to, just like the day before and the next day. I was free.

    I brought my favorite travel companion along with me to aid in my journey of self-discovery: me. Not the busy Account-Manager-me. My true self.

    Last year was painful for me. Like many others, I found myself ebbing and flowing with the tide that is the nine-to-five. Living for the weekend so I could escape the grind and live outside the snow globe even if just for a moment.

    Life is more than clocking in and out with dead eyes and a slack jaw while counting the milliseconds as they fade toward your Friday night. I’m on this earth to be—not to be someone else for a paycheck.

    In recognizing that I needed a vacation, I downed a bottle of wine and booked a two-week trip to my city by the bay. Fourteen days of sweet liberation.

    Maybe you can relate to my reality.

    Back home, Rebecca in accounting is a constant complainer. She brings you down like an iron pair of boots. You’ve got to grin and bear it because she processes your expense reports and you see her every day. You’ve gotten so adept at feigning interest that you’re losing sight of what’s underneath the mask.

    Rebecca gets the sympathy mask. Your boss gets the I’m-passionate-about-my-job mask. Jackie in distribution gets the I-like-politics-because-you-like-politics mask. We wear whichever we have to in order to make things easier. Nathaniel Hawthorne said it best: 

    “No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” ~The Scarlet Letter

    Two psychological terms stand out as they relate to being someone you’re not: cognitive dissonance and the act of compartmentalization.

    They go together like a cerebral peanut butter and jelly sandwich. To understand our challenges, we must first define them. Enter Merriam-Webster:

    Cognitive Dissonance: Psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously

    Compartmentalization: Isolation or splitting off of part of the personality or mind with lack of communication and consistency between the parts

    When was the last time you spent an entire day doing exactly what you wanted to do? Said exactly what you wanted to say? You have a belief system, a rule set. Stuffing these things in a box and being someone else makes you exactly that. Someone else. This is compartmentalization.

    It’s a defense mechanism to combat the cognitive dissonance you feel when you have conflicting personalities—when there’s a difference between who you are and who you become in certain situations.

    When faced with a challenging situation, a compartmentalized person has to decide how to act. Quelling the reaction most natural to their authentic self, they respond inauthentically because they’ve developed a completely separate personality.

    We must be mindful of who we really are—and we get to decide who that is.

    “We are our thoughts” isn’t just Eastern voodoo wisdom. The word “brainwashing” has a negative connotation, so let’s call it brain painting. Painting your mind with things you love is a surefire way to become a happy you. This is nothing more than surrounding yourself with people, books, subjects, and thoughts that make you smile. Be selective and consistent with what you allow in.

    It’s important to take time to foster your own well-being in a world that demands so much. Almost two thousand years ago, stoic philosophers like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius told us to retire into ourselves. Frequent self-examination has been a practice for thousands of years.

    Being comfortable with and conscious of what you find is the definition of knowing who you are. Constantly look within and connect with your mask-less you. We can nurture our inner authenticity by being mindful every day.

    • Meditate. You don’t have to have an Om tattoo and a stick of incense to find a quiet place to look inside. Take a twenty-minute vacation inside your own soul. Be cognizant of what you find.
    • Observe. Take a walk and leave your phone at home. Look at everything around you with child’s eyes. Notice the beauty in the trees or the vastness of space. Be a living part of your surroundings.
    • Create. Doodle something while your coffee brews in the morning. Take a few minutes to write something meaningful. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as it comes from your own creativity. Exercise your mind, amigo. You’ll be surprised at how out of shape its gotten.

    Traveling solo isn’t an escape. It’s a small opportunity to delete distraction. Lucius Seneca said, “All of your problems are with you.” Running away from them is impossible. But we can, for a time, run away inside our own soul.

    I spent my favorite day in San Francisco walking through the residential Noe Valley and Dolores Heights. A simple stroll down sidewalk after sidewalk, without a boss barking orders or my phone buzzing with e-mails. Just me and my smile to enjoy the cool breeze.

    It wasn’t so much the city I enjoyed, as it was the chipping away at my mask. Each footstep, a small victory at finding myself underneath it all. I remembered not who I was, but who I am.

    Though I’m back to the doldrum routine of my everyday life, I’m still the same human I was in San Francisco. Underneath the demands of a challenging career lies the same person that wandered those sidewalks so many weeks ago. A smiling nomad. He who digs coffee shops. The one who loves wine.

    We have the tools and presence of mind to make our journey for authenticity a daily practice. Recognizing when we’ve strayed from our true selves is the first step to staying the course. No one can be you better than you can. Look inside, befriend yourself, and be free.

    Photo by Frank Kovalchek

  • Live Your Life for You: 5 Benefits of Embracing Who You Really Are

    Live Your Life for You: 5 Benefits of Embracing Who You Really Are

    “Live your life for you, not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

    I have struggled with my different-ness since I was young. I grew up trying to change the things that made me different in order to fit in. At home, my parents were doing their best to raise three young children, which I can imagine would’ve been very hard.

    I can still remember the first time I asked myself, “What is wrong with me?” I loved to take my time and have everything neat and tidy; my family, on the other hand, was the complete opposite.

    Being neat and tidy reflected in the way I would dress myself. One morning, when I was getting ready for my first day of school, my parents gave me socks to wear that didn’t match. I got very upset, and although they tried to understand what the problem was, they couldn’t help but be frustrated with me, as I was making the morning more difficult.

    We were also running late. I wanted to take my time and not be hurried. This caused us to run even later and made my parents even more stressed. I felt so guilty to have made them feel like this. 

    I wanted to belong and feel loved by them, so I tried my hardest to change the things about me that seemed to cause them stress.

    Trying to change these things that were a big part of who I was created inner conflict, and I would have big tantrums as a result. This would cause my parents stress as well, so eventually I stopped expressing my feelings.

    I became ashamed of the things that made me different. I was shy. I loved lots of time on my own. I had dark skin.

    I wanted to be accepted to avoid judgment and rejection. During school, other kids teased me for not having many friends. I felt so hurt and alone that I started a constant battle within myself to change my different-ness.

    I forced myself to be more social. I searched for ways to change the color of my skin. I stopped giving myself the alone time I wanted. I stopped expressing how I was feeling.

    This went on for the next twenty years. Since I spent my whole life trying to fit in, I never really got to know my true self. It was incredibly exhausting and I was very unhappy.

    It took having kids to wake me up. The love I had for my two boys gave me the drive to search for another way to live.

    I wanted my boys to love and accept themselves for who they were, differences and all, but how was I to teach them if I didn’t even know how? I needed to be the example.

    I finally discovered some things that empowered me to embrace my differences. I was amazed at the life changing effect it had on me. 

    When you embrace who you are:

    1. You stop living in fear.

    The choices I make in life are no longer dependent on what other people will think and whether I will be judged, disliked, or rejected. I just focus on being me.

    In the past, I feared what people would think of me for choosing to have a few close friends instead of a huge social circle and spending a lot of time on my own. Now that I accept that this is me, I feel a sense of freedom.

    Trying to be someone you’re not is exhausting. Being your true self is a courageous thing to do in a world that is constantly trying to change you. When you realize that living the life you want is more important than pleasing other people, suddenly you feel free.

    2. You form deeper, more connected relationships.

    In the past, I’ve had my fair share of not-so-good relationships. People would connect to the fake me, so they were never genuine relationships.

    I was able to sift through my relationships by loving my differences and being myself. This allowed the right people to come into my life who loved the real me. My relationships are now all fulfilling and genuine.

    If you want people to accept you for who you are, you first have to show them who that is.

    3. You treat yourself more kindly.

    I saw myself as weird so I would constantly put myself down and beat myself up. The negative self-talk was painful.

    In accepting my “weirdness,” I went from telling myself, “Because of my differences, I’m worthless and no one will ever love me,” to “I have to be true to myself. The people who really matter will accept me for who I am.”

    It was so liberating, I started to feel the happiest I’ve ever felt.

    4. You’re better able to find your passion.

    When hiding my true self, I could never know my strengths. I’m a compassionate person, which makes me good at helping people. I found that this is what I love to do and it’s my passion.

    After learning this about myself, I was able to offer my friends and family advice when they needed help. I also branched out and started my own blog, which is my main creative outlet where I can combine my passion for writing and helping people.

    Once you allow yourself to be who you are, you’re free to find what you’re good at and what you love to do.

    5. You start appreciating yourself.

    When you truly embrace your differences, you begin to find reasons to appreciate them. I’ve always been ashamed of my introverted nature, thinking it was a weakness. Only recently have I started to embrace it. I now appreciate that it allows me to enjoy time on my own, which is where I’m the most creative.

    I’ve finally discovered my strengths and weaknesses. I own them and I am grateful for them both because they make me who I am.

    When you start seeing your “weaknesses” as potential strengths, you develop a whole new sense of appreciation for yourself.

    —

    I hope these lessons can help you learn to embrace your differences without having to become a parent to do it—and if you are already a parent, then I hope this can inspire you so you too can pass on self-acceptance to your children.

  • Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Ready to Receive

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” ~Becky Beaupre Gillespie

    The music started. Pachelbel’s Canon in D on harp and flute. I was supposed to enter the room near the end of the piece.

    I knew there were fourteen sets of four measures each, but in my nervous state I quickly lost track. I picked a random moment in the music that I thought might be near the end (surely I’d been waiting forever already), opened the door, and walked in.

    Then: BAM!

    The door startled me by suddenly slamming shut behind me. Oops… That was not supposed to happen.

    Thus started my recent wedding, with the bride oh-so inelegantly slamming a door.

    Then, uh-oh, I heard my dad stumble over a note on his flute. And when I got to my designated spot by my groom and our officiants, I realized—oops—I had entered way too early. We all had to stand there awkwardly while the piece played on for what seemed like ages.

    Twenty years ago, at my first wedding, this stuttering start probably would have horrified me. This time, thank goodness, things were different.

    Instead of being horrified that my perfect day was being ruined, I just beamed. My heart swelled that my parents, who get so nervous playing for a rapt audience, were the ones sharing their music with us. I giggled as my groom and I mimed flirting with each other while the music played, and everyone else laughed along.

    All the “mistakes” were part of the fun and specialness of the day.

    Twenty years before, when I got married the first time, I was a card-holding Perfectionist with a capital P. I sought out the best string quartet, the best photographer, the best caterer, the best florist, the best makeup artist.

    When my custom-made gown (made by the best seamstress) didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted (read: perfect), I feared the world might end.

    Oh, yes, I was one of those brides. I admit it. The sad fact is that I was a perfectionist about the wedding because some desperate, scared, insecure part of me unconsciously believed that if the wedding were perfect, maybe it would somehow fix my flawed relationship and make it okay.

    If the wedding were perfect, maybe my life would be good enough.

    As you may already have gleaned, from the fact that there was a second wedding, this isn’t how things worked out.

    That first wedding was perfect. Or, at least, darn near close to it. And this, not surprisingly, did nothing to save what was ultimately a doomed marriage.

    Yet for years I still hid behind a perfectionist mask, believing that if I only showed my shiny highlight reel with the world, and never revealed the messy, broken, confused, imperfect self underneath, somehow my life would be good.

    It was the continuation of a lifetime of perfectionism.

    When I was in school, happiness seemed to depend on getting straight A’s.

    As a newlywed, happiness seemed to depend on the perfect, beautiful home.

    Then, as I started exploring the world of art and calligraphy, and gradually grew a small business from my creative work, happiness still seemed to depend on keeping up a shiny, perfect front.

    I did my best to hide my flaws and mistakes. And as my marriage disintegrated, I focused even more intently on achieving perfection in my work.

    But of course, true perfection is not possible, so all of this seeking of happiness through perfection only left me miserable.

    I became too scared of imperfection to try anything. My creative flow dried up.

    Who can create anything when only “perfect” is considered good enough?

    I suspect the ultimate collapse of my marriage played a big part in getting me on the road to recovering perfectionism. A divorce makes it very hard to pretend to the world that everything is perfect.

    And once you acknowledge that you aren’t perfect, that your life isn’t perfect after all, you no longer have to keep up the charade. Suddenly, it becomes acceptable to simply be you, in all your glorious imperfection.

    Letting go of a lifetime of perfectionism is not easy. Like recovering from alcoholism, I see it as an ongoing pursuit, and I consider myself a recovering perfectionist.

    Now, though, instead of aiming for perfection, I intentionally embrace imperfection. I proudly call myself an Imperfectionist with a capital I!

    I’ve learned the hard way that when I wait until something is perfect before I can try it or share it with the world, I stay permanently stuck in perfectionist paralysis.

    Whether building a website, learning to sing, asking someone out on a date, broaching that difficult conversation, putting a new product on the market, or anything else, the only way to move forward in life is to allow yourself to be imperfect.

    Plus, embracing imperfection is just a kinder, gentler way to live. I haven’t given up on my quest for excellence, but I’m a strong believer that going for “good enough” leads to a lot more happiness than going for “perfect.”

    This was certainly true when, twenty years after my first wedding, fifteen years after that “perfect” marriage ended in divorce, I said “I do” a second time.

    This time around, instead of seeking out a passel of the best wedding vendors, we aimed for “good enough.”

    I knew that the marriage was the truly important thing, while the wedding was merely a small entertainment we were doing because it gave us pleasure, and because it gave our families pleasure, which in turn gave us pleasure.

    Freed from my perfectionist paralysis, I even wrote a song to sing at the ceremony, as a surprise for my new husband. I’d started writing it a few years before, but had never managed to finish. Perhaps I’d been trying to make it perfect?

    Now, though, I had a new goal: not a perfect song, but simply a complete song—a good enough song.

    I also had a deadline, and deadlines are magical things, especially when combined with imperfectionism.

    I did complete my “good enough” song and I surprised my groom with it, right before our officiant officially declared us married. Like my dad on the flute, I was a bit nervous. My voice wasn’t the absolute best it’s ever been, and I messed up one of the chords.

    And you know what? It was perfect.

    Where can you let go of “perfect” in your life, and replace it with “good enough”?

    Photo by AJ Leon

  • How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness

    How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness

    Hugging

    “Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata

    I’ve learned that how well you receive determines how happy you are.

    When I was committed to loving myself more, I started to be more aware of how I treated myself. What opened up for me was that I did not know how to receive.

    That was one of the things I had to learn in order to really care for myself.

    Receiving Capabilities Jammed

    There were times when I would squirm and be all awkward when I was given extra attention.

    There would be times when I’d feel indebted when I received a big gift or if someone did me a huge favor.

    I’d think, “You didn’t have to” or “This is too much” or “I feel bad that you got me this.”

    Then, there were times when I’d feel like I was imposing when a person offered to do something for me, even though they were the ones who offered.

    I remember when I was younger, maybe around fifteen. I went to my friend’s house to play cards. Around dinnertime, my friend’s mom invited me over for dinner. I politely turned her down, telling her I’d be going home soon anyway.

    She insisted, and I insisted on refusing to accept the invitation. I appreciated her offer, but I didn’t want to impose, so I felt it was more polite to decline.

    Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.

    That memory stayed with me. It is only until recently that I truly understood what happened.

    I denied her the chance to give. I also robbed both of us the chance to connect. I was so focused on not wanting to impose that I forgot to appreciate and just be grateful for her offer.

    What Happens When Our Receiving Capacity Is Jammed

    1. We cannot be emotionally healthy if we cannot accept blessings.

    When we keep refusing to receive, it will leave us empty and even resentful.

    2. It can be harmful to relationships.

    This happens because we will not be able to recognize the complete kindness the other person has to offer.

    I had a best friend before who was extremely good to me. But because my receiving capability was out of order, I couldn’t recognize all of her efforts.

    She would build me up, point out my strengths. Her intention was to help me gain more confidence in myself. But because my own receiving capability was jammed, I couldn’t recognize what she was doing. And the insecure part of me even thought she just pitied me.

    3. We rob the givers’ chance to experience the joy of giving.

    All of us have an innate desire to make people happy, especially the people we love. By refusing to accept others’ offer, we deny them the chance to do something good for us.

    4. We may become resentful.

    When we keep giving and we don’t receive, we become depleted and we run the risk of being resentful towards others.

    It isn’t fair to the other person especially if they wanted to give, but you refused to accept it.

    Why Receiving Is Difficult (and How to Make It Easier)

    1. Check what kind of judgment you have when you give.

    When you give, do you expect something in return? Do you give only to the needy?

    There was this test I read before. You place money on the ground, in a public place, like a park or a mall. And you hide. Then you observe your mind as you wait for someone to find the bill. You may find yourself hoping that a poor person gets it, or a kid. You may find yourself getting mad should a rich man or a drug addict pick it up.

    Those are the judgments that you have when giving. And those are the very same judgments you project onto your giver when you are the recipient.

    I did the test, and what went through my head was the poor should get it. The “deserving” should get the money. Or the one who “needs” it should get the money.

    So when people give to me, I have a hard time accepting since I don’t “need” it or that it should go to a person who needs it more.

    There will be times where I refuse it because subconsciously I didn’t want to be perceived as needy or weak.

    When you let go of your judgments while giving to other people, you’ll release yourself from projecting that judgment onto the giver and you find yourself receiving more gracefully.

    2. You constantly feel like you’re imposing.

    You automatically think you’re a burden or others would be hassled when they do something for you.

    It’s not true, though. More often than not, people want to make you happy.

    3. You feel indebted all the time.

    You feel like you owe the person something when you accept something from them. You feel obligated to repay them.

    Being grateful and giving back is much healthier.

    4. You assume they were just being nice.

    You constantly doubt if they meant it because you have a story running in your head that they were just being nice.

    But what I learned was, more often than that, people are really sincere. And no one is really obligated to do anything unless they really wanted to.

    5. You think they have ulterior motives.

    You think when a person does something extra nice to you; it’s probably because they want something in return.

    6. You feel like you’re not deserving.

    It isn’t humility. It’s actually denial.

    The goal is to let go of any kind of judgment when you give so you free yourself from any projected judgments that are keeping you from receiving.

    What really helped me was to focus on the intention and love of the giver that motivated that gift, offer, or that sincere compliment. Believing them, accepting it, and saying thank you. Being grateful for what you have received makes the giver happy because it says you appreciate the time and effort that person has given you.

    We should always be focused on giving but we should also learn to accept blessings gratefully.

    Once the door to receiving is open, imagine how many gifts are waiting for us.

    Photo by David Robert Bilwas

  • Why Letting Ourselves Feel Bad Is the Key to Feeling Better

    Why Letting Ourselves Feel Bad Is the Key to Feeling Better

    “The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

    For as long as I can remember, I have been on a quest to heal myself. From a very young age I can remember feeling different from my peers. I was always painfully shy and paralyzed with insecurity and fear, which left me in a constant state of self-criticism.

    Hardships in my young life, including the suicide of my father, left me with the belief that life was just hard.

    Unfortunately, I also thought that it wasn’t supposed to be and that something was wrong with me because I had so much pain in my life. My head swirled with shame wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this, or that?”

    My solution to the pain I felt was to basically wage war on myself and conquer all of the difficult feelings I experienced.  

    I truly believed that I just needed to figure out the right formula, accomplishments, and milestones, and then I wouldn’t have these painful feelings and I would finally feel okay in my skin.

    Along the way, I hit all of the targets I had identified: I lost weight, I earned degrees, I made money, I did lots of therapy; I created a life for myself where everything looked the way it was supposed to, but I still struggled with fears and insecurity.

    This mission I was on to fix myself only added insult to injury, because my primary thought process was that something was seriously wrong with me and if I wanted to be happy, like I thought everyone else was, then I needed to stop having what I had deemed “bad” feelings.  

    Rather than giving myself a break, I found the path of greatest resistance.

    I was in a constant battle with myself, where every time I had an uncomfortable feeling I jumped on myself for feeling that way and immediately set out to change that feeling. I couldn’t distinguish the difference of “I’m having a ‘bad’ feeling,” from “I am bad.”

    When we react negatively to our own negative emotions, treating them as enemies to be overcome, eliminated, and defeated, we get into trouble. Our reactions to unhappiness can transform what might just be a brief, passing sadness into a persistent dissatisfaction and overall unhappiness.

    Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to avoid emotional pain, it follows us everywhere. Difficult emotions, like shame, anger, loneliness, fear, despair, confusion, are a natural part of the human experience. It’s just not possible to avoid feeling bad.

    However, we can learn how to deal with difficult emotions in a new, healthier way, by practicing acceptance of our emotions, embracing them fully as they are, moment to moment. For me, this has meant creating space in my life for all of the parts of experience, the ups and the downs.

    Unfortunately, in Western culture very few of us have been given the tools to tolerate our own difficult feelings, or those of another person. Not only do we want to avoid feeling pain at all costs, we want to prevent the people we care about from feeling their own pain.

    Recently I found myself in a situation where I was confronted with a past loss, and although it has been two years since the loss, I found myself emotionally wrecked, as though it had just happened yesterday.

    In my sadness, I reached out to a few friends for comfort and was surprised at how difficult it was for them to tolerate my difficult emotions.

    In an effort to help, they wanted to battle the sadness and told me things like I was sitting in self-pity and feeling sorry for myself; that I needed to practice more gratitude in that moment.

    Again, they weren’t trying to be hurtful; they were just trying to help me stop feeling sad.

    Thankfully, I’ve done enough work on this path to know that that was not what I needed. In that moment, I simply needed to allow myself to feel sad.  

    I knew the feeling wasn’t going to last forever and I had a choice, I could either drag it out by waging war on myself, or I could recognize that, for whatever reason, in that moment, I just felt sad.

    Again, our reactions to our difficult emotions can transform what may have been just a brief, passing sadness (as was the case for me in this situation) into persistent dissatisfaction and unhappiness (two decades of my life).

    By learning to bear witness to our own pain and responding with kindness and understanding, rather than greeting difficult emotions by fighting hard against them, we open ourselves up to genuine healing and a new experience of living; this is self-compassion.

    If you’re someone who is used to beating yourself up for feeling sad or lonely, if you hide from the world whenever you make a mistake, or if you endlessly obsess over how you could have prevented the mistake in the first place, self-compassion may seem like an impossible concept. But it is imperative that we embrace this idea if we are to truly live freely.

    When we fight against emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck, frozen in time, and we get stuck in them.

    The happiness we long for in relationships seems to elude us. Satisfaction at work lies just beyond our reach. We drag ourselves through the day, arguing with our physical aches and pains.

    Usually we have no idea how many of these daily struggles lie rooted in how we relate to the inevitable discomfort of life. The problem is not the sadness itself, but how our minds react to the sadness.

    Change comes naturally when we open ourselves to emotional pain with uncommon kindness. Instead of blaming, criticizing, and trying to fix ourselves when things go wrong or we feel bad, we can start with self-compassion. This simple, although definitely not easy, shift can make a tremendous difference in your life.

    It’s important to remember that embracing your strengths and well-being does not mean ignoring your difficulties. We are measured by our ability to work through our hardships and insecurities, not avoid them.

    We are all fighting some sort of battle, and when we accept this truth for ourselves, and others, it becomes a lot easier to say, “I’m struggling right now and that is okay.”

    Not being okay all the time is perfectly okay.

  • Letting Go of the Lies That Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves

    Letting Go of the Lies That Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves

    Keep Calm and Let Go

    “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller

    The man who I thought was my soul mate walked out on me fourteen years ago. He immediately remarried a lovely, beautiful woman who was everything I was not.

    I am desperate to fall in love. I’m thirty-eight. I want a baby. I want a relationship. I feel alone.

    A year ago, I fell unexpectedly in love with my photographer. Yes, star-struck romantics, it was just like the movies. Shy, awkward woman gets pictures taken for her brand-building website, and she is completely unraveled by his boyish sweetness and the power of his lens.

    I had never felt so beautiful, so free, so seen, so celebrated. It was a wham-bam-thank-you-mam whirlwind romance. We “hung” out only four times.

    But I had felt the life times between us, even if he didn’t.  And he didn’t. He didn’t choose me. But that didn’t stop me from becoming a crazy woman. Obsessed.

    I cried every other day, made up stories, fantasies. Of course we had shared past lives together. He was my “real” soul mate.

    Even if my mind was making up the stories, my body remembered. Why else would I be so upset? I felt like I was dying, my heart was being squeezed into blackness, and all I could do to get past the tears was scream.

    I had many, many moments that looked like this:

    Imagine me, on my bed, with a box of tissues, crying from the pit of my soul. Snot coming out my nose and spit out my mouth, all dripping into a sticky pool on my bed. I’m angrily screaming out and yelling “Why?!? Haven’t I suffered enough pain? I’ve done what I thought was right. I’ve prayed. Meditated. Done good deeds. Challenged myself. Don’t I deserve love? The man I want? What can I do differently? What is wrong with me? Why am I not blessed? What do I have to DO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O?!”

    Not a pretty scene.

    It was gut-wrenchingly painful being in that victim hell realm. I had to get out. But how?

    How do you get out of your own way? How do you survive when you are drowning in a pit of dreadful dark emotions and thoughts? All I could think about was that penetrating question, “Universe, what do I have to do??

    Do? What do I have to do, right? Because obviously, I did something wrong or didn’t do something right to win his love.

    In this two-lettered word, do, I realized everything. It wasn’t about doing. It was about surrendering, letting go, and trusting in the organic flow of life.

    Not easy.

    I constantly forget this, and the universe kindly reminded me of my sticky attachments to the external, yet again. Then, to make matters worse, that little voice crept up and said in its annoying voice, “You need to look inside for love, not on the outside.”

    Who’s heard that before?

    And I say back defiantly, “Easy for you to say. I’m only human. I’m not an enlightened being. I want love, damn-it. Love!”

    Then, I stopped. I took a breath, dropped into my body, and surrendered. And then surrendered some more.

    Finally, I said to myself, “It’s okay to want love. It makes me a loving human being. It’s even okay that I became a crazed, angry woman, mad at the world, making up fantastical, delusional stories. It happens. But, mainly it’s okay because deep, deep down inside myself there was a lie I was telling myself.

    (Breathe)

    I was telling myself that it was my fault for being so unlovable, so broken that these men didn’t choose me. And of course, I know that’s not true.

    At first, I felt like an idiot. Geez, not the stupid loathing-lack-of self-love-thing again. But then I remembered to give myself empathy. I forgave myself for my lie because I know that many of us on this planet have the same one.

    That is what makes us human.

    Self-acceptance, forgiveness, and self-love washed over me. And I felt a little bit better, lighter. I felt like I was thrown a divine rope to pull me out of that pit of despair.

    I went through this routine about 100 more times, until one day, months later, I felt normal, clearer, and joy eventually snuck in again. I haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but I’m hopeful. I’m more grounded, more open, more trusting, and less attached.

    And when I start to feel the chatter of my mind and those icky feelings bubble up again, I remind myself of what I learned months before. There is a universal process of forgiving and letting go. We each have our own way of describing it, but mine goes something like this.

    1. Acknowledge what you are feeling, your anger, your sadness, and your pain.

    2. Release it. Express it (safely, away from blunt objects, and in the comforts of your home). Don’t hold it in your body to fester and turn into disease!

    3. Ask yourself the tough questions, and answer truthfully until you get to the very bottom of your pit of despair. There, you will find the treasure: the lie you have been telling yourself.

    4. Be gentle. Accept your lie. Forgive yourself for telling it.

    5. Lovingly let it go and rewrite your story. For me, it was: “I’m not unlovable. I’m lovable, and love will come to me in its perfect timing! Yahooo!”

    6. Finally, chuckle at the absurdity of it all, and remind someone else of this human process of death, rebirth, and growth through your own sharing, storytelling, and your art.

    Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And smile.

    Photo by Randy Heinitz

  • 3 Keys to Feeling Happy, No Matter What Happens

    3 Keys to Feeling Happy, No Matter What Happens

    Smiling Flower

    “Look at what you’ve got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” ~Proverb.

    The year 2013 was the happiest of my life.

    Not because it was the most perfect or problem free year. In reality it was as messy, sad, and as difficult as any previous year.

    In October I looked at the last correspondence between my biological father and me for the first time since his suicide years before. I felt as devastated as the day he died. Healing is a much longer journey than I’d imagined.

    Around March my psychologist noted that I was codependent on my blissfully independent husband and in serious need of my own identity.

    In August I traveled to the U.S. for the first time in three years, and people I love rejected me.

    From April to November I hated the stress, demands, and despair of my job and wanted to quit. Every single day.

    That’s not all.

    Extended family ignored requests to help me write a memoir about my biological father and grandmother. I gained weight, broke my toe, and couldn’t get rid of an itchy rash. Not a single piece of my writing got published and my blog went days without a visitor.

    The miracle of 2013 is that I broke free of the notion that happiness is an if/then proposition.

    If…I get the job, if he loves me, if I stop feeling anxious, if my health gets better (insert your own if here)…

    …then I will be happy.

    Happiness is not when everything turns out exactly how we want or plan.

    Happiness is a full-hearted, unreserved embrace of life—exactly as it is.

    I identified three keys to making happiness a more enduring state—not just a flickering emotion dependent on other people and results.

    Here is how I do it.

    1. Gratitude

    In 2013 I started keeping track of my gratitude. Each day I write between five to eight unique events I am grateful for. I don’t repeat anything from the previous day.

    If you grew up in an abundant environment and learned to be grateful because of it, awesome. I did not.

    Learning was a slow process for me. After twenty-one days I was not a more positive or grateful person. A hundred days in, it had completely changed my life.

    Gratitude does not come naturally to me, but it’s the surest path to happiness, I promise.

    Even when work sucks and people disappoint me or I let myself down, I make an effort to see all the spaces, places, and people for which or whom I am grateful.

    With time, I have begun to recognize my gratitude not just at the end of the day, but when things actually occur.

    2. Self-Compassion

    I accompany homeless adults on the arduous journey of trying to reenter the work market. Recently, one participant (in a drunken rage) broke the leg of the chair and threatened to attack another person.

    My team took care of the immediate danger, and the next day it was left to me to conduct the reflection.

    The conversation lasted less than five minutes. He justified his actions and I couldn’t muster up the courage to challenge him.

    “Is this your first time?” our new social worker asked with concern.

    “No, more like my hundredth,” I replied.

    Not my best work. I felt like a failure.

    One year ago I would have replayed the scene in my head over and over and called myself every name in the book. I’m the manager, what example am I setting, my team thinks I am a loser, the participant thinks I am a joke, etc.

    It’s hard to be happy, in any circumstance, when you are your own worst critic.

    Being kind to myself is a huge challenge—and a fundamental element in my pursuit of living an authentic and happy life.

    Recognizing that self-compassion is not weakness or going to make me a lazy, unmotivated slob has greatly increased my willingness to be nicer to myself.

    The truth is, the kinder I am to myself, the more willing I am to get up from each failure and try again.

    Writing not published? Try somewhere else.

    Friend not responding? Give it some time.

    Husband really mad at me? That is okay, it happens to everyone and we will work it out.

    How do you treat yourself when you fail? Make sure it’s with a hug.

    3. Passion

    After I recovered from the shock of the therapist’s statement that I had no clearly formed sense of self, I knew she was right.

    What now? How do I discover who I am?

    I asked myself, what do I love to do?

    I didn’t ask myself how I will make the most money or become famous or what I am the best at. I asked myself what I love and then acted upon the response without reservation.

    The answer was writing.

    I can’t identify independent clauses, I have never read Dostoevsky, I will probably never be able to make a living from writing, and it is what I love to do.

    This was the motivation to start taking online writing classes, reading books, and starting a daily writing practice.

    Better yet, by investing in one interest, several others had room to grow.

    In 2013 I took a photography class, began sketching, created desserts with no refined sugar, and started a blog—all of which I do while maintaining my full-time job.

    If no one reads what I write or looks at what I create, that’s okay.

    What matters is that I showed up for me.

    If someone asks you who are you, what are your hobbies, what you would do if money weren’t an issue and you don’t have an answer, don’t worry—I didn’t either.

    Simply start with what you love.

    Don’t judge, don’t censure, don’t over think. What do you love?

    Start. Today.

    —

    You will experience sadness and loss and suffering in life. There is no guarantee or protection against pain. But if you practice gratitude and self-compassion and invest in your identity, you will create a default state of happiness that will support all the difficulties and failures along the way.

    Take a deep breath, get in touch with who you are, and find something you appreciate about your life, exactly as it is. There you have it.

    Happiness is within your reach right now, no matter what is happening in your life.

    Photo by geralt

  • Being True to Ourselves and Forgetting What Other People Think

    Being True to Ourselves and Forgetting What Other People Think

    Dreaming

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

    The day that I realized that I was trapped inside of my life was an ordinary day. I woke up, dressed myself, drove to work, and applied makeup to my assigned actors and actresses. It was a groundhog day filled with my usual routine as an entertainment makeup artist.

    I settled into my chair on set and watched as the director directed and the cameramen captured the scenes on tape.

    The vibration from my phone caught my attention. I picked it up and whispered, “hello.”

    The person on the other end asked me why I was whispering. I told them, “I’m on set and I must be quiet.”

    They asked, “So, you can’t speak out loud at your job?” I was perturbed by this question because, of course, I can speak out loud at my job but not when the tape is rolling.

    This question lingered in my mind well after I hung up the phone. So you can’t speak out loud? The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was my truth. I realized I didn’t feel free to truly speak out loud—I didn’t feel free to be me.

    I could not speak out loud during a take but I, honestly, could not speak out in the makeup room either. In my mind, it was a classic case of your voice doesn’t count so keep your mouth shut. The actors and actresses have the floor, and who really wants to listen to a makeup artist?

    It takes a special kind of actor/person to truly take interest in the lives of the people who serve them. I saw clearly that I wasn’t living my life for myself and that I shrunk within the space around me to allow others to shine.

    I was living in the matrix and I needed to take a new pill in order to go on with my life.

    I began to understand the reason depression had come over me that year and, at that moment, I knew I had to make a change. Of course, fear pounded on my head and my heart; yet, I could not allow it to stop me from advancing.

    I knew I wanted to write but I am a makeup artist not a writer. Who would read a novel written by a makeup artist? I also knew that if I didn’t write I would die. So, I made a decision to apply to UCLA as a transfer student.  

    I had walked away from college twenty years before to attend beauty school and since I knew that I wanted to major in English, I thought I’d give college another try, but when UCLA accepted me, fear knocked even harder.

    How could a forty-one-year-old makeup artist, wife, and mother of two return to college and complete a degree in English? 

    I had to walk down a new path and live my life for me and not for anyone else. I had to be free to be me.

    My life began to change when we studied Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay Pray Without Ceasing. This was where I first heard the concept that we pray without ceasing because our thoughts are our prayers and our prayers are answered and manifested in the person that we become.

    I began to spend time talking with the professor in his office in order to understand these concepts.

    A new world opened up for me, as I understood that I played a huge role in my reality and that my thoughts were my power.

    I began to correlate the relationship my old thoughts had to my past situations. It shook my paradigm.

    I recognized that my thoughts kept me in a state of depression, as I focused on my past and all the bad that had happened in my life. These thoughts also catapulted me into the future as I fantasized about a better life. I could not live in the present moment.

    I also began to see that I chose to please everyone around me. I thought it was a moral duty to take care of others while I neglected the desires of my heart. Before entering UCLA, my heart ached a lot.

    I literally had pains in my chest that woke me in the middle of the night. I had an EKG and while everything looked good, I knew something about me had to change.

    After learning a new way of thinking, I knew I could turn my life around, and I did.

    I began to renew my mind with new thoughts. When a negative thought come to mind, I observed it and then replaced it with a thought that uplifted and affirmed me. In the beginning, it felt like I was lying to myself.

    Although it was difficult obtaining my English degree from one of the top English departments in the country, I graduated and I walked across the stage a month shy of my forty-third birthday. Since then, I have completed my first novel, which I began in 2004 before entering UCLA.

    After graduation I continued to read and practice empowering my mind with uplifting messages. I read books by Louise Hay, Florence Schovel Shinn, and Eckhart Tolle. I began to wrap my arms around myself and embrace me.

    Each day I release my old paradigm and I allow new thoughts to build an uplifting foundation within me. This has saved my life by giving me freedom to exist and unfold in each moment. I now know that if I live for the present and remain in the now, I breathe easier and feel lighter.

    I am free to be me just as you are free to be you. It doesn’t matter what others think or feel about us as long as we are true to who we are.

    So, to those who are living their lives for themselves and no one else, I applaud you, and to those who aren’t, I hope this inspires you to do so. You deserve to fully embrace yourself and to enjoy your existence on this planet.

    Photo by nic519

  • How Pain from the Past Can Be a Gift in the Present

    How Pain from the Past Can Be a Gift in the Present

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    Don’t hate your past. No matter what it contained or what it did to you, the past shapes who you are, not just for the things you felt damaged you but for the lessons you can take from it.

    I love working with the people I call the world shakers. They’re the people who want to make a difference in the world so that they leave it in a slightly better way than they found it.

    I love these types of people because they’re so driven by their heart and passion for others. They’re kind. They value people.

    You know what else these people have in common? They have empathy for others and a desire to make the world a better place. Not in a showy, “give me the Nobel Peace Prize” kind of way (although a bit more showy-ness wouldn’t go amiss!) but in a gentle, modest way.

    Do you know what really amazes and inspires me about world shakers? They’ve had their own hurts, challenges, and heartbreaks but instead of letting those things harden them and make them brittle, they’ve allowed themselves to stay open and vulnerable.

    They’ve taken those things that have wounded, battered, and pierced them and transformed the experiences into fierce empathy for others.

    They can’t walk past the person who’s struggling because they know how it feels to struggle. They have a way of recognizing the human condition in all of us.

    They turn it outward and use it as a learning experience, one that enhances their ability to empathize and drives their conviction to change things for others.

    It could be the mother who refuses to pass on the cycle of abuse she experienced to her own kids, or the teacher who bans the world “stupid” from her classroom because she can remember how much it crippled her to hear it as a child.

    It could be the man who gives coffee to the homeless guy every day because he can knows what it’s like to feel like no one cares about you, or the recovering addict who works with troubled teens to try and save them the pain of his experiences.

    World shaking is often driven by a need to make things better because of the pain we’ve suffered ourselves. 

    Still, I still have to catch myself when I bemoan the things that have happened to me over the years. Like everyone, I’ve had my share of unpleasant, difficult, and down right heart breaking experiences.

    For the longest time I was angry at the world because I’d experienced them. I hated the mistakes I made. I berated myself for my screw-ups and stupid choices. I felt defined by them—embarrassed and soiled—like I should be wearing a T-Shirt with the words “Damaged Goods” on it.

    One day, a very wise person said these words to me:

    Everything that has ever happened to you is the perfect preparation for the person you’re destined to become.

    And everything flipped.

    Those things that I had regretted so much had shaped me. What’s more, I had a choice in it. I had inadvertently used those things that had happened to me as things that drove me forward. Many of the things I’d become interested in, my passions, and my values were driven by those very experiences.

    I’m a passionate advocate for reducing the stigma associated with mental health issues, and I started my whole journey of learning about personal development and emotional resilience because of my own battles with stress-related illness.

    I help people find joy, passion, and a sense of purpose at work and that’s undoubtedly because I spent so many years in jobs that didn’t suit or that where I didn’t feel I was making a difference.

    I’ve also struggled in jobs that really did suit me because I didn’t know how to handle the stresses and challenges our work can bring. I didn’t understand the importance of asking for help, having strong support networks, actively managing stress, and making sure I wasn’t mentally giving myself a hard time too often.

    Having to take a break due to burn out and stress felt horrible at the time it happened to me. But during that time out I studied, trained, and read—a lot!

    I realized that resilience is a practice, not some innate skill that you either have or you don’t. I learned how to develop my own resilience and that made me immensely driven to help others do it, too.

    My dark times also forged my sense of empathy, a key skill I bring to my work. If I’d had the “charmed” life I’d originally wanted, would this have been the case? Somehow I doubt it.

    All of the lessons I’ve learned led to wisdom that can only be gained through experiencing life’s ups and downs.

    Hard lessons learned are deep lessons. They shape us. Most of us are familiar with the term post-traumatic stress, but did you know there is also a phenomenon called post-traumatic growth?

    It’s the ability to grow through adversity—to come out the other end stronger, clearer, and with a renewed zest for life.

    I think that’s what many of us fail to recognize in ourselves, that those dark times, far from diminishing us, can give us the most profound of gifts—the gift of recognizing human life in all its messy, painful, courageous glory.

    We can take those gifts and use them to be a beacon to others to say, “It’s okay. I’ve been there. This too will pass.”

    And that surely is a real gift worth giving.

  • How to Really Live Instead of Merely Existing

    How to Really Live Instead of Merely Existing

    On Top of the World

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

    “Come here and take Dora out to get some milk.”

    With those simple words, I knew my father’s time was short. Not a man to ask for help, I knew that milk was just an excuse to get me to come to his side.

    My father was a gruff, angry, bitter man who had sealed himself off from nearly everyone. I spoke with him at 7:00 am every Saturday morning for fifteen years. In those conversations he complained about nearly every human interaction he had experienced in the space between my calls.

    I rarely missed a call and usually alerted him if I knew I would not be able to call him at the designated hour. Nonetheless, he was blunt about his annoyance if 7:00 am passed without a call, and I heard about it loud and clear.

    But, even though I lived only thirty minutes away and my calls were obviously important to him in some way, I actually saw him only about once each year. That was the way he wanted it. 

    That February morning when I arrived at his apartment, I was shocked by what I saw. Dad gasped for air and he was thin, so thin that I could easily make out the knobs of his knees under the jeans that gaped at his waist.

    A walker I didn’t know he needed was parked beside his chair. A wheelchair borrowed from a loan closet was folded beside the front door. I had no idea that my father was so ill, and obviously had been very ill for a long time.

    He didn’t protest when I told him I was calling 911.

    At the hospital, he yielded to the efficient care of the attending ER physician. He didn’t like it but he yielded, eyeing the doctor with suspicion.

    Dora, my father’s companion of more than twenty years, fretted that people die in hospitals, and she wanted him to come home to their apartment before something awful happened to him.

    Hadn’t something awful already happened? Didn’t it happen a long, long time ago?

    By all accounts, Dad was a sweet child, a devoted son and brother, an irreverent jokester. But, his marriage to my mother was loud, tense, and turbulent because of her mental illness and his dependence on alcohol.

    Nonetheless, when she died three decades ago, he took her death very hard and really never recovered.

    Long before he entered the hospital that day, from childhood through adulthood and into his later years, my father died bit by bit. He lost his sweetness. He grew hard and mean and he drew high walls around Dora and himself.

    For a time, Dad and Dora had a dog. When the little Cairn terrier died, they closed in even tighter, virtually never leaving their apartment except to venture to the grocery story less than one mile away.

    During the week between his arrival at the hospital and his return home to his apartment under hospice care, I learned a lifetime of lessons from my father.

    At the time, I was grieving the end of my own thirty-five year marriage and I was suffering. I had resolved some time before never to become bitter or angry at my husband or at life, but watching my father approach death as someone already dead truly taught me that lacking bitterness and anger was not enough. It was time for me to live.

    What were those lessons that taught me to live?

    Lesson 1: Become aware without judgment.

    Don’t let your opinions get in the way of being aware. I had not been able to see my father clearly because I judged him for how he lived and how he treated others. Judging him for that did not change him. But, in letting go of my judgment of him, I did change myself.

    Lesson 2: Release expectations.

    Unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment. When you release your expectations, you become open to options. In a sense, your world broadens and you invite possibilities that otherwise might not exist.

    I watched my father’s world grow smaller as he experienced disappoint throughout his life. In having specific expectations, he missed many of life’s opportunities. Likewise, when I released my expectations about him, I found myself much more comfortable in his presence and far more patient with his actions.

    Lesson 3: Let the light in. 

    As hard as it may be to throw open the curtains and let the sun shine in, just do it. Look for the good.  Surround yourself with positive people. Pursue activities that you enjoy.

    My father rejected the very things that could have let the light in for him. He ended relationships. He stopped going out into the world. He kept the walls up and people out.

    In my own way, I had done some of the same things. As my marriage frayed, I had hunkered down declining to participate in my own life. When I realized that, I began to reach out to my friends and family. I picked up my camera and took myself to my favorite photography spots. It was hard when I started; it got easier.

    Lesson 4: Fall in love with who you are. Right now.

    Don’t wait until you lose ten pounds, finish your degree, learn a second language, climb Mt. Everest, or even finish your morning coffee. Commit to loving yourself as you are right now. My father had complicated views about himself and others. I suspect he didn’t like himself much. I doubt that he ever gave much thought to whether he loved himself.

    As his life was winding down and my marriage was ending, an interesting thing happened. At that improbable time, I chose to love myself.

    I committed to treating myself kindly and gently. I allowed myself to become aware without judgment. I released myself from unreasonable expectations I had about how I should be. I gave myself the freedom to be positive and enjoy.

    In that week, I came to see my father for exactly who he was and to love him fiercely despite the angry face he showed the world. I also came to lovingly acknowledge that in a short time I would be letting go of him as well as my marriage.

    On the other side of that acknowledgment I knew I would find my new life and I would thrive.

    Photo by rettenberg

  • How to Wake up Every Morning on Top of The World

    How to Wake up Every Morning on Top of The World

    “You get peace of mind not by thinking about it or imagining it, but by quietening and relaxing the restless mind.” ~Remez Sasson

    What’s the first thought that goes through your head when you wake up in the morning? Is it deliberate, or is it the default “Oh shi#$, it’s 6:00!”?

    If that’s how you start your day, then it’s likely your day will be filled with anxiety and stress. It’s not exactly the most productive mechanism for getting things done.

    Questions are quite powerful if used in the right way. (more…)

  • 25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else

    25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

    When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my childhood had damaged me.

    The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

    In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

    It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

    Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

    Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

    When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement. (more…)

  • How to Start Feeling Confident, Worthy, and “Enough”

    How to Start Feeling Confident, Worthy, and “Enough”

    Confident

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    Low self-esteem is like a garden weed. Uproot it while it’s small, or face the consequences of an unruly mess down the road.

    Its true, I have gone to extreme lengths to supplement my low self-esteem. Hair colors, tattoos, new hobbies, new jobs, moving in, moving out. I was always waiting for there to be “enough.”

    Enough what? Enough things where I could rest, feel satisfied, and be “equal” to everyone else. However, even though I often got what I wanted, the rewards were either brief or nonexistent.

    None of the fillers ever provided what I needed, and like a fool I’d move onto the next thing thinking, “Ok, this is really what I need!”

    “Your family is supportive, you have enough money, you’re attractive, you’re talented,” a good friend once told me candidly. “I can’t for the life of me figure out why you’re so insecure.”

    It was strange to stop and contemplate what he had said. I’d never thought of myself as the normal person with a complex that didn’t make sense. I’d known others with my problem, but usually their reasons were evident, like demanding parents or school bullies.

    “Why on earth am I like this? My life is so bland and…regular,” I thought.

    Eventually, after much wasted time, money, objects, friends, and opportunities, I stopped accumulating.

    I realized I was never going to reach my long-awaited mecca of “enough” and I had only accumulated junk anyway. The wheels had been spinning, but the car hadn’t gone anywhere.

    I noticed that a lot of other people didn’t need anything in particular. It was as if they were “born whole.” The reassurance simply couldn’t come from outside sources or people, because I’d tried that. It did no good.

    This led me to the tough truth. Real progress comes from helping yourself and doing what’s hard. Real progress certainly does not come from avoidance and shallow reassurances.

    What I had been doing the whole time prior to this discovery was irresponsible.

    The problem with a negative self-image is that it feels like a fact. Imagine trying to convince someone that water isn’t really water, it’s soda. Yea. Not gonna get many quick believers on that bandwagon.

    Another thing is that maintaining a negative opinion of yourself is extremely easy. A lot of us self-haters are lazy-boned veterans, sitting atop a throne of self-pity. In a sad sense, it’s the only thing we’re sure we know how to do.

    However, there are some things you can do to quell this horrible habit.

    For one, every time you find yourself hesitating to act because you’re afraid or you don’t believe you are “worthy,” rationalize it.

    For example, “My idea is just like everyone else’s at this board meeting. In reality, no one is going to think much about it. Even Bob from accounting gave his input, and his was a bit silly.”

    Now I’m not saying to knock others down, but making light of the situation often makes you realize the triviality of the thing you are worrying about.

    Another thing that’s important is risk-taking. No, I don’t mean driving backward on the highway is going to heighten your self-esteem. Those are the kind of superficial risks I would take to try to prove something to myself.

    But the really difficult and meaningful risks to take are emotional risks.

    Letting others in on how you feel, telling someone your fears, or reaching out to an acquaintance you don’t know too well. These are all noble risks, and often people with low self-esteem miss out on the growth opportunities that come with them.

    A psychologist once said self-esteem = achievements/expectations. So if you have ten expectations of yourself and you’ve only achieved one of them, your self-esteem won’t be so great.

    On the other hand, if you have five and you are achieving all five of them, you’ll likely feel at peace with yourself.

    So to simplify, determine what your goals are, and then do them! Make sure they’re attainable and your expectations aren’t extreme.

    If you’ve always wanted to be something and you’re not working at it, you’ll never be proud of yourself—because you’re not even being yourself.

    Maybe self-help tapes aren’t your cup of tea. And maybe you shudder at the thought of standing in front of your bathroom mirror chanting, “I love myself.” But you really are going to have to do things that are a bit outside of your comfort zone.

    Never underestimate the power of waking up and putting on real pants. (I know I used to.) Moping around in pajamas all day is not an option. Think, “What would confident me be doing right now?”

    You might feel like you’re faking it at first, but over time, the “real you” and the ideal “confident you” will slowly morph into the same person.

    Photo by LadyReddevil

  • 3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret

    3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret

    Carpe Diem

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brene Brown

    Even though I’m a psychologist who has been working in the field of development and assessment for the last thirteen years, sometimes it still takes more than reading a theory in a book, or even seeing something work with a client, to make it real for me.

    Here are three of the moments that have had the most impact on me and the way I live my life.

    1. Each of us has the power to change our situation.

    I worked for ten years at a company I mostly loved, in a job I mostly loved, but it was a job that didn’t really love me. It was long hours, hard and stressful work.

    I thought I thrived on it for a long time, until I slowly came to realize I didn’t have much of a life outside of work.

    I had some health issues that didn’t seem to be improving, but I was hoping, year after year, that things would somehow get better. But it seemed things never did.

    My breakthrough moment was realizing that I had the power within me to change the situation. Sometimes a choice might be a hard choice, but it’s still a choice.

    So instead of going for the next promotion, I resigned. I moved to SE Asia, where I’ve been living and working freelance for a year now. My life still has work as part of it, but also coffee shops, blogging, friends, fun, travel, and yoga. And passion and purpose in a way it didn’t before.

    I had the power to change the situation all along, and eventually, I did.

    Consider your own life.

    Is there anything that you want to change?

    Are you waiting for someone else to make it happen?

    Take the power back and take a step toward change yourself.

    Change can be hard, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

    2. Act to ensure you feel like you’ve done your best by the relationships in your life at any given moment.

    My dad died six years ago, and after the worst of the grieving was done, it gave me another breakthrough moment.

    He died suddenly from a heart attack with no warning at fifty-five. It was a terrible shock for all of us. But through the sadness, I was very grateful that I had no regrets about the way our relationship had been. I’d loved him unreservedly, I’d spent time with him, I’d laughed with him, and I’d shared my life with him.

    The situation made clear to me that anyone can be taken from us at any time.

    And that, even though it sounds a bit macabre, I should live my relationships as though the person could die at any minute.

    It’s ensured I respond in a different way to situations that previously could have been blown out of proportion. It’s helped me to avoid many arguments, but also speak up and be honest about my own feelings.

    It’s helped me to have the best possible relationship I can with the people I love. And, in fact, some I don’t. I no longer waste time, as I know that time is finite.

    How are your relationships right now? With family, with friends?

    How would you feel if someone you loved died today? Is there anything you would change about the way you contributed to the relationship?

    Remember that while it’s not possible to change how other people respond, it is possible to work on your own responses. Sometimes that can take time and effort, but better now than when it’s too late.

    3. What’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for you.

    Another breakthrough moment was in the last couple of months, as I’ve been living a very different life in Thailand to the life of the corporate businesswoman I was in the UK.

    The study of personality and individual differences is a core part of my training, and something I work with all the time.

    I’ve viewed the success of Susan Cain’s book about introverts, Quiet, with interest, as I’m a definite introvert myself, but one who’s always adapted her behavior to demonstrate extrovert behaviors, at work and even with friends.

    Recently, my very extrovert mum visited Thailand to spend a month working on our blog and website. This prompted me to realize that I no longer adjust my behaviour as much as I used to.

    I spend a lot of time alone, I work in coffee shops with people buzzing around me, but in my own little bubble. But more importantly, I’m okay with that life. I accept that this is the right life for me at the moment, and is giving me the kind of nourishment I need.

    And I don’t need to worry about making lots of new friends and doing lots of social activities, as some people suggest to me. I’m okay living the life that’s right for me.

    Whilst it’s good to listen to other points of view, I know that what’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for me. And I have the strength to follow my own path.

    Are there any aspects of your life that you are living according to what others think is right, rather than what’s right for you?

    We are all different, every one of the billions of us alive right now, and we need different things to grow and develop into our “best self.”

    Give yourself the best possible chance at this by creating an environment that nurtures you, rather than what others think should nurture you, or what you think should nurture you.

    You Own Your Story

    All of these three breakthrough moments—taking back the power to make my own choices, ensuring my relationships are in the best possible state, and following my own path despite others’ opinions—had at their core me owning my own story.

    If there’s one overarching lesson I would like to share with you, whispering it gently, kindly, but persistently in your ear, it’s that you own your own story.

    No one else is writing it for you.

    So write with a loving hand, reflecting on your own breakthrough moments, but don’t sit around passively waiting for the story to just happen.

    Take a step toward a more nourishing, powerful, and loving life right now.

    Photo by Chris Parker

  • How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I like my comfort zone and I hate it. It’s safe, but if I stay there too long it starts to feel like a cage. No wild creature is happy in a cage, and we’re all wild creatures at heart.

    Sure, we like the reliability of being well fed, clothed, safe, and loved. It’s my theory though (formed just this second) that we are meant to hunt, to seek, to struggle, to engage with a world that offers no guarantees.

    Like a caged animal, we become depressed when we play it too safe. “Safe” offers no challenge, no growth, and no newness. Without those things we wither and die inside; we watch too much TV, we eat junk food, we numb out.

    Could it be that the prevalence of depression in First World countries is because our lives don’t challenge us as much as we need them to?

    We all need exercise to be healthy. Muscles need to break to become strong. Do our hearts and minds also need challenge to thrive?

    About eighteen months ago I got sick. It was a weird benign tumor that caused a lot of pain, enough pain that I took myself to hospital at three one morning.

    Eventually, the tumor healed and the pain stopped. It didn’t go away; it just stopped hurting me. In the meantime, though, I became very careful, controlled, and I dropped out of my life. I felt afraid and limited. I lost faith in myself.

    My world got very small and I became too dependent on those close to me. I was not much fun. I lost friendships.

    Now I am rebuilding. It’s not always easy, but I’m on the way back.

    I can now see that my comfort zone isn’t comfortable. My fears and limitations have drawn the boundaries of my life, and that’s a small cage to live in.

    That’s not how I want to live. I remember more lively times and I want that power and flow back. I want to break through the darkness into the bright light, where life is colorful again.

    I want my life back.

    If you also need to expand your comfort zone, you may benefit from applying these lessons that are helping me:

    1. Get honest.

    Ask questions. Get really clear on what is true for you. What do you think? What do you feel? What do you want? What is useful? What’s the truth?

    Truth can be hard to take, but it puts you on solid ground. You can walk forward on solid ground.

    For me, right now I am “calling myself out” on the lie that I lack the power to make changes.

    2. Change is possible.

    We can make changes. You may have had a vibrant life before and you can make one again. Know you can change and try new things.

    When I decide I’m a victim, it’s a lie. It is just not true. Granted, while I was sick change may have been too hard, but that’s not true anymore.

    3. Change is uncomfortable, and that’s okay.

    It doesn’t come without risk. We can’t stay in our comfort zones and expand at the same time. Growing is going to be uncomfortable. It’s even going to feel wrong. Do it anyway.

    The only way to get a bigger comfort zone is to do things outside it until they don’t scare you anymore. Then repeat.

    4. Change happens step by step.

    Changes seem big when you start out, but they’re just a series of small steps. They’re just a tiny set of actions. They’re the sum of the things you do, day by day.

    A slight change in trajectory is a huge change over time. It doesn’t happen all at once.

    5. Explore possibility.

    Every day, write a list of things that may take you in the direction you want to go. Write a list of ways to expand your life. Write a list of solutions. Write a list of “could do’s”.

    You don’t even need to keep the lists. The good ones will stick. They’ll pop up again and again like your favourite muppet.

    6. Take one tiny risk a day.

    Set yourself one tiny risk. Commit to doing it. That means you have to do it. No second-guessing. You said you would do it; you’re doing it! It may not be the “right” action, but that’s irrelevant. It’s the thing you chose to try.

    7. Every action is an experiment.

    Not every little risk will pay off, but that’s life, that’s learning. Every action will teach you something.

    I did well in school; it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with failing and actually “learning to learn.” The school of life is a better teacher and a tougher one. That’s my school right now.

    8. Courage is more important than success.

    I heard Brené Brown say, “Being courageous is more important than being successful.” I have that on my wall. I think it’s true. Taking small risks makes me feel alive. The other name for “fear” is “thrill.”

    9. Risk develops resilience.

    We gain resilience with practice by striving, failing, and getting up again. It’s how we build emotional muscle. Sure, have a cry, share your humiliations with a trusted someone, then get back up and take the next step. Being courageous feels scary and good.

    And so, right now, I extend invitations knowing I may be rejected. I commit to writing projects that may not be published. I open up more to those closest to me and really let them in.

    I open up my world one step at a time, and it’s scary and it’s thrilling. The colors are brighter at the edge of my comfort zone.

    I am learning that my fears are false dragons guarding the gold. The dragons look real, but really, only the gold is.

  • Why It Doesn’t Pay to Put Wealth Above Health (and 3 Tips to Get Fit)

    Why It Doesn’t Pay to Put Wealth Above Health (and 3 Tips to Get Fit)

    Warrior Pose

    “Man surprised me most about humanity. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.” ~The Dalai Lama

    It was three in the morning. The mean, destructive words that someone had said to me back in high school were replaying in my mind like a broken record.

    “You’re fat! Why are you swimming with your shirt on? Stop eating so much!”

    As I heard each word in the back of my mind, I felt the passion begin to burn within me to help those who were overweight and suffering from self-worth issues, like I once was.

    At eighteen years old, I decided to open up my own fitness business. I had a burning desire to help others because I knew was it was like to feel worthless inside, to hate looking at yourself in the mirror, and to not be able to take your shirt off in front of people because you were embarrassed of your body.

    The desire was so intense that it had me getting up every morning at 3:00am to study, research, and work on my business.

    I was working at the gym, building my business from 5.30am to 9.30pm, five days a week. Other health coaches kept telling me, “Matt, you need to settle down; you’re going to get burned out!”

    But I thought I was Superman at the time, replying with comments like, “You just don’t want this as bad as I do!”

    Time went by, and at a young age I thought I had everything. I was doing what I love, I was getting massive results for my health coaching clients, and I was earning high amounts of money. Business was great! But even though I felt I had everything, there was still one thing missing.

    I was constantly getting sick and taking time off of work. I was sleeping four hours a night. I was getting sleep paralysis. I wasn’t making time to prepare my meals or train myself anymore, and my energy was deteriorating so much that I had my own little bed in the staff room so I could take naps in between coaching clients.

    Day in and day out I was struggling, until one day, I walked into my parents’ bathroom and gazed over at the mirror. Tears started running down my face.

    I slowly crouched down to the ground with both hands on my head. I was shocked at seeing how my own personal standards had dropped so much, to the point where I had gained back most of the body fat I’d once had.

    I suddenly realized that the thing I was missing was my health.

    The sadness quickly turned into anger burning within me. I used the anger as fuel to make a decision that was about to change my life.

    I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hated that I wasn’t able to be productive throughout the day because I had no energy to do anything. And I was fed up with not being congruent with what I was teaching my clients.

    I ran down into my basement and grabbed a small notebook. I wrote down everything I was committed to changing and the reasons why I must change it now.

    I made a decision that from that day forward, I wasn’t going to value contribution, success, or wealth higher than my health and body.

    I was going to value health above everything and treat my body like a temple.

    I began cleansing my body with fresh vegetables juices, I started exercising again five days a week, I became vegan, and I began riding to work instead of driving. I started doing little things that mattered and was going to produce more health, energy, and vibrancy.

    I learned a lot of things during this chapter of my life that may be useful to you:

    1. Value health above everything.

    When you value building wealth above your health, you will face massive challenges, either in the short term or in the long term. But when you value health above everything else, the results you create in that area will translate to all other areas of your life.

    You will feel more spiritually connected, you will feel more confident with yourself, you will produce more throughout your day, and you will have pure energy to spend time and be playful with those who matter most.

    2. Schedule, schedule, schedule!

    If you don’t take the time to schedule, it’s mostly like not going to happen. That was true for me.

    It might be helpful for you to take time on a Friday or Saturday to schedule when you will prepare your meals for the week, when you will eat, and when you will exercise, meditate, or do yoga.

    3. Find an accountability partner or coach.

    Although I didn’t have a health coach, I learned the importance of connecting with someone with higher standards than you in the area you’re trying to improve. I actually had an accountability phone call on a Monday morning, where a friend and I would exchange our goals for the week.

    Our goals ranged from running half an hour five days a week to having a green vegetable juice and salad every day. We attached consequences to not following through by making a commitment to each other that we would do 100 squat thrusts if we didn’t accomplish those goals we set out. Ouch!

    Jim Rohn once said, “Take care of your body. It’s the only place we have to live in.” My only hope is that you take his advice and the lessons I’ve learned and start applying them to your life.

    Have you ever valued work above your health? If so, what has it cost you?

    Photo by Jesslef

  • How to Change a Life and Make the World a Kinder Place

    How to Change a Life and Make the World a Kinder Place

    One Act of Kindness

    “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ~John Holmes

    Have you ever been stressed and cranky and having a terrible day when someone was unexpectedly kind to you?

    When this happens, it lifts your mood and changes your state of mind. You want to hold on to that feeling of goodwill. Maybe even pass it on.

    Everyday Kindness

    The Dalai Lama said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

    It is always possible, but it isn’t always easy. Sometimes acts of kindness for people in our lives can be more difficult than random acts of kindness for strangers. We all have people in our lives that are negative, grumpy, or angry. They make us feel negative, grumpy, and angry, too.

    It helps if we remember that difficult people are usually incredibly unhappy. Something is making that person miserable. If we think about that and find compassion instead of letting negative emotions overpower us, it’s surprising how much easier it is to remain kind.

    Real Benefits of Kindness

    It’s scientifically proven that being kind makes us happy. Feeling compassion, laughing, touching, and hugging release oxytocin, a feel-good hormone.

    Try this exercise: Pretend everyone is your friend. Treat them accordingly. When you’re in traffic and see someone trying to turn in, pretend the other driver is your friend. Pretend you know and like the person. Be friendly! Smile and wave them in ahead of you.

    Kindness combats depression and even chronic pain. Studies show that pain, depression and disability all decrease after doing volunteer work.

    Kindness also makes us live longer. We just learned how kindness makes us happy, and happy people are known to live longer lives!

    When we are positive and kind, we spread goodwill and happiness. Don’t we want to be surrounded by goodwill and happiness rather than negativity?

    Negative people are rarely kind. Kind people are rarely negative.

    Heather and the Johnsons

    Even though being kind is beneficial for ourselves, real kindness isn’t about us at all. It’s about thinking of others, having someone else on our minds and hearts.

    The Johnsons are an amazingly, incredibly kind family. If I didn’t know them, I’d have a hard time believing this story:

    Heather was a drunk driver. She ran through a stop sign at an intersection where Mike Johnson was heading home from work. She crashed into his truck. He was injured so severely that he was not expected to survive. But after several surgeries and many months of physical therapy, he recovered.

    Mike and his wife Gene are such kind people, they not only forgave the intoxicated driver, but they also helped her and changed her life.

    Heather was a very young woman going down a dangerous path of partying and drinking. She was arrested after the accident, and she was terrified of going to jail when it was time for her court hearing.

    The young woman visited the hospital where Mike was supposedly dying. When the family noticed Heather there, they warmly welcomed her. Can you imagine that?

    Heather said they consoled her. Mike and Gene’s adult children hugged her and told her it would be okay. They told her, “No one is perfect. We all make mistakes.”

    Shortly after, Heather met Gene in the hospital. Heather was still expecting anger, screaming, and hatred. She knew she deserved them. But Gene hugged the girl and told her she forgave her. Heather said it was like “a 10,000 pound boulder was lifted off” her.

    Heather decided to do something to help the Johnsons to try to give back to them. She organized a live music fundraiser and raised three thousand dollars for the Johnsons before her court hearing. Mike and Gene spoke on Heather’s behalf at the hearing for a reduced sentence for her.

    The incredible, amazing kindness and forgiveness from the Johnsons changed Heather’s life completely. It changed her whole outlook and made her want to be a better person.

    The Johnsons consider their pain a fair price for saving Heather from killing someone else, possibly herself.

    They befriended her and visited her after her trial when she did go to jail. She is incarcerated for thirty-three months at a correctional facility in Florida, where she is keeping a journal of her past experience to inspire other young people towards responsible life choices.

    We all want happier and better lives. To improve our lives, we have to improve ourselves first. Let’s choose to surround ourselves with goodwill and positive energy. Let’s commit to living lives of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, resulting in a healthier and happier life for ourselves.

    Do you have a story where someone else’s kindness affected or changed your life?

    Photo by Heath Brandon

  • Why It’s Okay to Be Self-Centered Sometimes

    Why It’s Okay to Be Self-Centered Sometimes

    Me Time

    “We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.”  ~Herman Melville

    I grew up with a faith that encouraged personal sacrifice for others. Putting myself before others or desiring what they lacked was sinful. So there I was, during my teenage years, trying to be a saint, completely unselfish when thinking or interacting with others.

    I must admit that I was always in the equation.

    If I gave advice to others, I did it for them but also for the good feeling of improving their lives. If I helped someone else solve their math problems, I did it for that person, but also because I enjoyed the new perspectives gained through teaching, and so on.

    Guilty Self-Centered

    I realized that whenever I was about to help others, I anticipated the benefit I was about to receive, whether it was a good feeling, some sort of recognition, more consideration, or leadership experience. And I wanted that repressed benefit.

    But at that time, being centered on me, even slightly, was not good. That was sinful.

    So I kept trying to remove my desire to receive before I was about to give. I felt guilty, hiding my self-interests.

    I wanted to care for others, but I was hardly innocently others-centered.

    Something was missing.

    I knew deeply in my heart that things should not be that way, that desiring gains for myself was a good thing. I felt this was a legitimate need.

    Helping myself and helping others appeared to not be mutually exclusive.

    The Dangers of Being Solely Others-Centered

    The mother who stays up late at night is not purely baby-centered; she has love and affection needs she is fulfilling for herself.

    This post can’t be purely centered on you because if you don’t give me feedback (positive or negative), I won’t be able to improve my weak points or bring more of what you liked it. If I get these gains for me, you get more of my writing. The improvement of the teacher improves the student, and vice versa.

    Many parents killed their children and themselves when they didn’t secure their own oxygen mask first in flight emergencies. That’s why the aviation authorities recommend, “If you travel with someone who needs assistance, secure your own mask first, before assisting the other.”

    An act of self-interest is actually the condition of being able to care for others.

    You can’t help others from a weak condition. Your “weakest you” weakens others. Your “strongest you” strengthen others.

    We can’t sacrifice ourselves in the name of others because in doing so, we hurt ourselves and them.

    When I realized that my well-being was linked to the well-being of others, that caring about myself was caring about others, I felt liberated and more capable of helping others.

    I think this is conscious selfishness.

    If your choices help only others but not you, then you are doing us all a disservice, since you are helping us from an underdeveloped state of being. The more you weaken physically, financially, emotionally, the less you can care for others in these areas.

    Being Self-Centered at Times Helps Others

    The more you help yourself get stronger, the more you can help the weakest.

    The more you help yourself get happier, the more you can help the saddest.

    The more you help yourself get relaxed, the more you can help the most stressed.

    The more you help yourself get wealthier, the more you can help the poorest.

    And if you become far stronger/happier/healthier/wealthier than the average, then the more people you will be able to help in the world.

    Find the ways your strength would help others. Reading a math book could make you wiser for your children; going to the movie theater could relax you so you will bring higher vibes to your home.

    You can’t help others from a weakest position. An ill person can’t help us to be healthier; a hungry person can’t feed others.

    Be at peace with yourself when you are well-intentioned selfish.

    You might be thinking: Should I do things for myself only when that helps others? Does all this mean that I can’t do things just for myself anymore?

    I enjoy eating ice cream without remotely being aware how my pleasure helps others. I keep doing what feels good for my senses and my being.

    Maybe doing things for ourselves feels so good because at the end, even if we don’t perceive it, our happiness helps others.

    Let’s celebrate that each one of us is so important for all of us. We are one!

    Photo by Kyle Garrity