Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love

    How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love

    “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

    Why does it have to hurt so badly?

    You’re so in love, but your relationship has become toxic. It simply can’t continue.

    Night after sleepless night, you lie awake replaying the fights in your head.

    You can’t understand why your partner won’t change or how they can simply ignore how you feel. You wonder if they ever truly loved you.

    You’ve tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing’s worked. You know it’s time to end it, yet the thought of being alone petrifies you.

    But still, the pain has become too unbearable. If you don’t end things now, you might completely lose yourself.

    Learning to Let Go

    Letting go of someone you care about is definitely a difficult thing to do.

    I was forced to accept that my relationship with my ex wasn’t meant to be.

    The lies and the cheating became too much to handle. And to make matters worse, he was also physically abusive to me.

    The blows were so unexpected. I never knew if the next argument would put me in the hospital, or maybe worse, be my last.

    I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand that his behavior tore me apart inside.

    I wanted him to change.

    It didn’t matter how much I loved him. It didn’t matter if I was the best woman or friend in the universe; nothing would have worked.

    Was he really worth all of this?

    No, he wasn’t. And I knew I needed to get him out of my life.

    If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you can find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

    Realize That You Deserve Better

    Sometimes, loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return.

    It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again.

    The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person from coming your way.

    How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?

    It took me a long time to realize this.

    If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.

    I had to let go.

    Shortly after as I let go of my abusive relationship, I met my husband. He is the reason I believe in true love today.

    I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.

    You may not know who they are, or when they will come, but they are waiting on you to let go so that they can come into your life.

    Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change

    This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re being mistreated.

    You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself.

    Unless the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t change.

    They may promise to change and turn things around for the better.

    They may even be genuine about their intentions at that moment.

    But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if they made promises in the past that they didn’t fulfill.

    Change has to come from within; it can’t be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.

    I thought my ex would change for me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to convince him how much he hurt me, he would have no choice but to change. But I was wrong.

    Sometimes our judgment is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone. Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone.

    Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some relationships are just irreparable.

    Accept That It Will Hurt

    There is no easy way of getting around it.

    It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot!

    You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.

    Instead of being just a part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.

    Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage, life becomes a whole lot easier.

    The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.

    The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.

    When I ended my relationship with my ex, I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear.

    When that didn’t work, I tried to think of ways to mend our relationship rather than end it. I figured that accepting the disappointment in him was easier to handle than being lonely.

    That was another failed attempt at avoiding heartache.

    At some point, I knew I had to accept that it would never work out, and any route I took to end it wouldn’t be an easy one.

    If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

    Use Crying As a Cure

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the pain. Don’t hold it in.

    Sometimes, we are expected to be strong when we’re dealing with tough situations.

    I’ve found that to be ineffective.

    The more I tried to hold in my pain and be strong, the worse I felt, and I eventually stressed myself out.

    So what did I do?

    I cried.

    I cried over and over again, and then I cried some more.

    Yup, you heard me right.

    I cried like a baby!

    I stopped pretending everything was okay. I allowed the tears to keep falling until I felt they couldn’t fall any longer. It lasted a few weeks, but I felt like a new person when it was over.

    The tight feeling in my chest was no longer there. I began to think clearer and notice that things weren’t truly as bad as I thought they were.

    I started smiling again. I started noticing the sun shining and the beautiful clouds in the sky. I was no longer in that dark place. I felt brand new.

    Instead of trying to be strong, crying can help with the healing process.

    Take Some Time Off

    Sometimes, it seems like the end of the world, even though it’s not.

    Your mind attempts to play tricks on you, making you believe that happiness isn’t possible any longer.

    But that isn’t true.

    Often, the best cure for pain is time.

    By resting your heart, mind and soul, you give yourself a chance to heal. This is also the best time to get to know you.

    Maybe there’s a hobby that you love or an activity you enjoy doing.

    For me, it was baking. Even though it didn’t completely take my mind off of things, it allowed me to spend time alone doing something I really enjoyed.

    And I appreciated that.

    Eventually, I began focusing more on myself, and less on my situation.

    It didn’t work immediately, but over time, it helped a lot.

    If you allow it, each day will become a little easier. Time heals.

    And even though my relationship didn’t work out as planned, I realized I could still enjoy my life.

    Happiness is Within Your Control

    Your life isn’t over. Taking back control begins with you.

    Everyone needs help at one time or another. You don’t have to go through this alone.

    If you’re in a toxic relationship, there are people that can help you. Seeking help from your loved ones, a professional or even a clergy member, can help you get back on your feet.

    I am living proof that you can get through this. You can overcome your situation.

    Just imagine finally being happy again and enjoying the things that you used to love. No more worrying about the future. You are finally content with the present.

    The load has been lifted off of your chest. The tears no longer fall.

    You finally realize you deserve better. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it’s definitely possible.

    If you make the choice today, you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.

    You can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to believe in yourself.

    Make a declaration that today starts the healing process. From now on, you will work toward living the amazing life you deserve.

    **If you believe you are in a dangerous situation, please seek help. Don’t wait. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You can find additional free resources here.

    Clinging woman image via Shutterstock

  • When Life Takes a Detour: Turning Uncertainty Into Joy

    When Life Takes a Detour: Turning Uncertainty Into Joy

    Happy Woman

    “I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” ~Og Mandino

    You know when you get a major wake up call that shakes you to the core and gets you to focus on what’s truly important? That’s what 2014 was for me.

    My boyfriend and I had gotten married in May 2014 after moving from Toronto to a small town to be closer to his aging mother.

    I was working thirteen-hour days to re-establish my wellness business, and things were slowly picking up. I was finally adjusting to the quiet country night and whinnying horses across the road. I envisioned a “happily ever after.”

    Life, however, had other plans.

    In August, three months after our wedding, my husband had a debilitating stroke that almost killed him. Actually, it was his third stroke. The first two left him speechless for a few weeks, but the last one paralyzed him on his left side.

    Boom! Life changed forever, in an instant. He had to learn how to eat, walk, and adjust to the possibility of not being able to use his left hand again. I had to adjust to the idea of being a thirty-four-year old caregiver, and felt so very alone in my new surroundings.

    Between driving back and forth to the hospital every day for three months, the song and dance of having to buy a new car, and having to find a new accessible place to live, in a new town (even farther from my family and friends), I completely lost myself.

    I didn’t know who I was as a wife, and I didn’t know what I wanted in life anymore. There was too much “newness,” and I felt like a boat with no anchor. The transition to the “new normal” was a challenge, to say the least.

    I often dipped back into my memory of how things used to be and stressed out about things I’d never really given a second thought: As a caregiver, would I be able to leave the house at all? How would we cope being farther away from friends and family? What if he had another debilitating stroke and had no choice but to live in a nursing home?

    Thankfully, our adjustment to our new situation and surroundings got better as the months rolled on. After a while, I was able to slowly turn my uncertainty into joy. That is what I want to share with you today.

    Step 1: Make space to process your “now.”

    When you’re dealing with new challenges and uncertainty, it can be disorienting and overwhelming. It almost feels like you’re driving along a familiar route, and in the blink of an eye you’re on a completely different street. You have no clue where you are and how to get back to where you were.

    The first question you may ask yourself is, “What the heck just happened?!”

    When adversity and uncertainty present themselves and you’re left trying to re-establish a life that’s comfortable and familiar, it’s easy to dwell on should, woulda, coulda or bury yourself in distractions.

    This, however, is the perfect opportunity to carve out some time to process how you’re really feeling in the present moment. For me, this was a daily routine of meditation and talking to friends. Make it a point to connect with your body and emotions every day so you can move forward with a clearer head.

    There’s no shame in getting support to process your current situation, either.

    Step 2: Define what a joyful life looks and feels like to you.

    Going with the same analogy above, you can try to find a way to get back to the street you were on, but did that path truly make you happy?

    Before trying to “fix the problem,” it’s important to sit down with yourself and have an honest conversation. What was missing in your life before? What would have to be in place for you to live the joyful version of yourself, every day?

    What I realized through my husband’s health crisis was that I wasn’t making time to actually live. To me, living meant working hard but also making time for family and fun.

    I became committed to unplugging in the evenings to spend time with my husband and ditching my computer every afternoon for daily walks. I now feel more active and connected to my spirit.

    It may take less than you think to make your vision a reality.

    Step 3: Take care of your body to minimize the blues.

    The stress that comes with adversity and uncertainty sometimes leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms. For me, stress leads to carb and sugar binging, which leads to weight gain, which leads to lowered energy and lowered self-esteem.

    Making a date with a friend, your partner, or yourself every day to get outside for ten to twenty minutes might be all you need to boost your mood, energy, and overall health. Exercise is a great mood booster too.

    Step 4: Let go of limiting thoughts around not knowing or not being in control.

    If you’re Type-A like me, you actually beat yourself up for not being able to think up a clever solution. I tried to be the drill sergeant reminding him to do his daily exercises, but this only stressed him out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make money quickly, but having limited opportunities to leave the house shut that down almost 90% of the time.

    There’s no shame in not being able to fix a situation. Sometimes it’s a matter of being patient instead of fixing.

    Once you let go of the idea of having to control everything and accept yourself for what you are (human, that is), it becomes easier to connect with yourself, others, and your desires from a calmer, joyful place.

    Step 5: Stay curious and explore something new.

    Whether or not you’ve figured out what your perfect scenario would be—the big picture of your what you really want in life—it’s important to stay open to unexpected opportunities that pique your interest. This will help you infuse your day with tiny pieces of joy.

    After my husband’s stroke, I had no clue what I wanted to do, and that was really scary for me.

    Eventually, with some help from a social worker and friends, I started to trust the universe and view my limbo as an opportunity to try something I’ve always wanted to try: drawing. It was soothing for me, low cost, and brought me more joy than I ever thought it could. My ideas and energy started to flow again, and it eventually led me to start a new business.

    Never underestimate the power of exploration with intention.

    What’s in your box?

    You can’t predict the way your life will unfold. There isn’t a book you can read that will prepare you for what you’ll actually experience and feel if the rug is pulled from under you.

    Uncertainty can be a big package of overwhelm and fear. But, actively looking for and believing that there are other things in the box, like gratitude and joy, can make the package you’ve been given a whole lot more rewarding.

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • Buddha Doodles Review and Book Giveaway – Whimsical Drawings with Deep Truths

    Buddha Doodles Review and Book Giveaway – Whimsical Drawings with Deep Truths

    Buddha Doodles Imagine the PossibilitiesNote: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen.

    When I first found Molly Hahn’s Buddha Doodles a few years back, I knew I’d stumbled upon something special.

    Her whimsical illustrations never failed to put a smile on my face, and they often came with just the message I needed to read on a given day.

    I was even more enthralled when I learned about Molly’s background, and why she started Buddha Doodles.

    Having endured a traumatic childhood, she began her meditative sketch practice as part of her healing process. And I, along with hundreds of thousands of other fans, couldn’t be more grateful that she did.

    “Light in heart but deep in intent,” as she writes, her illustrations uplift, inspire, and empower us all to be wiser, happier, more mindful people.

    Buddha Doodles You can learn to surf

    With ninety-six color pages, Buddha Doodles: Imagine the Possibilities would make a wonderful gift book or addition to your own library.

    To enter to win one of four free copies, leave a comment below sharing something that inspires you—a quote, a personality trait, an act you recently witnessed, anything!

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 12th.

    Buddha Doodles Keep Letting Go

    Want to grab a copy now? You can order Buddha Doodles: Imagine the Possibilities on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • How to Turn Everyday Life into an Adventure

    How to Turn Everyday Life into an Adventure

    “Every day is an adventure.” ~Joseph B. Wirthlin

    Be honest.

    It gets to you, doesn’t it?

    You feel trapped in a life of monotonous everyday routine. One dull day merges into the next, each equally forgettable. The months slide past until you look up from your desk and suddenly another birthday’s here.

    So you avidly consume programs and articles on fearless adventurers and bold entrepreneurs who risked everything to pursue their dreams.

    And you follow them hoping someday to have your own stories to tell, your own daredevil memories to post and tweet. But instead, you end up doing nothing but beating yourself up at your seeming lack of adventurous spirit.

    But maybe it’s time you stopped beating yourself up so much. What if adventuring isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?

    What Nobody Tells You About Living an Adventurous Life

    At nineteen, I was also frustrated with the lack of adventure in my life. And then I met a crazy-haired free spirit who catapulted me out of my everyday, humdrum life and into a world of adventure.

    It was amazing.

    But just like all those Photoshopped, celebrity cardboard-cutout Facebook pages, another side existed that few people confess to.

    You see, in between exploring mountains, deserts, and rainforests, and sleeping under a million twinkling stars, were days of hunger, exhaustion, and illness.

    In between meeting strangers who became just like loving family members within hours, were days of arguing with officials, being turned away by border guards, and being stoned with rocks in remote valleys with no hope of outside help.

    In between the adventure of building and sailing our boat were years of living aboard with no shower or heating, even though the second winter hit sub-zero temperatures.

    And even though we have a world record that says we went further than any other fools had gone before, we never knew where our next bed or meal was coming from the whole time.

    Are we glad we did it all? Absolutely.

    Was it like the movies? Not a bit.

    And our forays into business have taught us that the life of an entrepreneur is no different. Every day is just as uncertain, every venture a high wire act without a safety net between possible riches and certain bankruptcy.

    After ten years of living such a lifestyle, the constant uncertainty and discomfort had lost its allure. I wanted a regular income and the luxury of a toilet roll on a daily basis.

    So I settled down into a “normal” life, but within two years, that started to feel humdrum and stale. The lack of stimulation felt suffocating.

    But then I started searching for adventure in everyday life.

    And I swiftly found that opportunities exist to explore and experiment everywhere. You just need to be open to them.

    Actually, can I share a secret with you?

    My life now is way more adventurous (and happier) than before we decided to settle. You see…

    Life isn’t about the extraordinary once in a while; life is about the everyday—and the everyday can be extraordinary. Here’s how.

    Explore Your World

    You can become an everyday explorer without leaving your home and loved ones behind. I believed adventures only awaited in exotic lands. Then my eyes were opened to the truth: Everywhere is somewhere.

    1. Take a different route to work.

    You’ve no idea what you’ll discover. Two years of commuting busy roads was enough, and by taking a slower route, I discovered a beautiful house to rent on the doorstep of my workplace. I now get up earlier, but I can take a safer, quieter route to work.

    2. Discover an unexplored world.

    Take a sabbatical from your usual haunts on the weekend and try somewhere unknown. Forget guidebooks—just get out there and roam freely.

    3. Journey to a faraway land without leaving home.

    Pick a country you know little about, and have a theme night. (Invite friends.) Cook a traditional meal, and immerse yourself in an unknown culture—explore the history, art, and music, maybe even learn a little of the language.

    Find Buried Treasure

    Pull on your buccaneer boots, and realize this truth: If you search for the hidden treasures in your own life, you’ll discover wealth far greater than any rusty chest of tarnished gold.

     1. Uncover your forgotten skills.

    We all underestimate what skills we have and what we can do with them.

    For instance, have you ever arranged a yard sale or got the neighborhood together to raise money for a local project or to clean up the area? If so, you probably have forgotten skills in project management, delegation, budgeting, and cooperation. What other forgotten skills could you uncover and have an adventure with?

    2. Unearth your hidden talents.

    You’ve no idea what you’re capable of until you try. Say yes to things you might have previously said no to. Try your hand at a different sport, or join your local amateur dramatics group.

    I once helped finish a book for a friend who was woefully behind on the publisher’s deadline. Who knew that this previously undiscovered talent would lead me to write a book of my own and become a published author?

    3. Bring your buried blessings to the surface.

    Embark on a voyage of gratitude. Discover that your “dull” life is actually filled with bright blessings; you just need to recognize them to transform your everyday.

    Unleash Your Inner Entrepreneur

    You can become an everyday entrepreneur without having to leave your job. It’s just a question of looking for opportunities.

    1. Run yourself as your own company.

    Even if you’re employed, you can seize opportunities to thrive and grow. Decide where you want to be in five years career-wise, make a plan, and work toward it. Don’t leave it to others to choose your destiny.

    2. Learn to stand up for yourself and speak out.

    Say no to dead-end requests to be free to say yes to real chances of advancement. Rather than oppose change in your company, be the first to embrace it, and see where it can take you.

    3. Put yourself forward.

    Take the initiative and find ways to be more valuable. After I’d consistently volunteered to take on more responsibility, my boss generously paid for my professional studies, supporting my career advancement. All this presented a number of new challenges and adventures.

    Challenge Your Beliefs

    “Adventure is not outside man; it is within.” ~George Elliot

    You can become an everyday pioneer by stepping outside your comfort zone but staying totally inside your safety zone.

    1. Be an everyday seeker of knowledge.

    Challenge your belief that learning stops after high school or college. The adventure of learning never stops. Turn your boring evenings or weekends into an exciting quest for knowledge. You can learn anything from accounting to zoology, often for free, with online universities such as the Khan Academy.

    2. Freshen up your perspective.

    Have a break from everything you normally read, watch, or listen to. Pick different genres, explore, and experiment. Turn an everyday couch-side veg-out into a fascinating, inspiring journey into new worlds.

    3. Question all your limiting self-beliefs.

    Limiting self-beliefs stop one from taking a risk and trying new things. Overcoming these mental barriers is an adventure in itself that can transform your life.

    For years I believed I wasn’t creative, but I finally took the plunge and started drawing and painting. Now my previously dull evenings are filled with creative fun.

    Take a Chance on Love

    You can have your own Romancing The Stone adventure without risking life and limb.

    1. Take the blinkers off.

    Searching for love? Abandon preconceptions about your “perfect partner” and where you might find each other. Approach someone even if they don’t seem like your type. Leave your online dating profile open-ended.

    2. Never stop exploring.

    Settled in a relationship? Shake up the romance with a challenge to see how close you can become. Mark and I regularly play a fun game of writing out what we’d like life to be like, which led us, after fifteen years living together, to get married and embark on a new adventure.

    3. Have an affair—with yourself.

    Go on a personal voyage of discovery to fall in love with yourself. Perform an act of self-love each day. Journal all the positive things you did and said, and all the people you helped. Begin to see what a wonderful human being you are.

    Discover That the Greatest Adventure Is Helping Others

    Adventurers throughout history have sought personal fame or fortune. But, there is greater gain in helping others and greater reserves to be found in your heart than in any bank.

    1. Make the first move.

    Befriend a stranger at work or in your neighborhood. Be the first to break the ice and introduce yourself. Offer them a sincere compliment, and make their day. A stranger is just a friend-in-waiting.

    2. Try your hand at fund-raising.

    Explore inspiring ways to assist a charity you believe in to raise vital funds. Organize a car wash, or put on a local talent show.

    3. Immerse yourself in someone else’s world.

    Challenge your own preconceptions by volunteering. I foster hearing dogs, and our darling house guests have given me a much greater insight into the challenges the hearing impaired face.

    Turn the Ordinary into the Extraordinary

    You are too extraordinary to live ordinarily. You truly are an adventurous spirit.

    That’s exactly why you must live your own life of everyday adventures.

    You just have to unleash your curiosity.

    You can stay in your home, your job, your life. Your adventurous spirit can thrive right where you are now.

    Pick an idea from the list that lights your adventure torch. Start with one, and build in some others when you’re ready.

    Get out there and experiment, explore, and experience.

    Go make the everyday extraordinary.

  • We Can Get Through It, Even If We Think We Can’t

    We Can Get Through It, Even If We Think We Can’t

    Man in the Mountains

    “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” ~Carl Gustav

    It used to be my favorite guided meditation. You know the one about the mountain, where you imagine yourself as the mountain? Strong, tall, standing firm in the face of all that comes at it—rain, hail, shine. Letting it all wash off without getting rattled by it.

    One of the reasons I used to love that particular guided meditation was because I could relate to it. I could relate to it because I love mountains. I love trekking and I love mountains. Big mountains. Immovable. Stable. Reliable. Regardless of what was thrown at them.

    Then the mountains moved. I found myself in Nepal at over 4000m above sea level, scrambling to stop my body from sliding down the side of the mighty Himalayas as a 7.8 magnitude earthquake cracked open these mighty mountains and shook them from 18km beneath the ground.

    I can’t even bring myself to listen to that meditation any more.

    I heard it before I felt it. It sounded like a deep guttural scream, the earth itself crying out in pain. No other sounds, no animals, no people, just this sound unlike any sound I’d ever heard before.

    Stillness and quiet followed—for what was probably only seconds—before my life was fundamentally redefined.

    Before boulders the size of cars came hurtling down the mountain, before the narrow path on the steep ridge I was trekking started to literally disappear beneath my feet, before I could hear someone screaming for me to run.

    I remember every detail. Every little detail. I wish I didn’t.

    Sleep was a luxury not afforded to me as aftershocks continued through that first night, forcing the group of us sheltering in what was left of a Tea House out into the snow and below freezing temperatures time and time again.

    Surviving the actual earthquake was only the beginning and it was a challenging and emotional journey as I made my way, through devastated villages, down the mountain. The aftershocks continued for several days, with one in particular carrying almost as much force as the actual earthquake.

    Patchy reports of what had occurred in Kathmandu, Everest Base Camp (where I had been two days before) and other villages were coming through. I was devastated and bewildered.

    As the days went by I continued to make my way down the mountains. The Australian Embassy was advising that until I got myself back to Kathmandu they couldn’t help me. The Australian Defence Force was being deployed to assist. The reports of casualties and devastation became clearer.

    In all, over 9,000 people lost their lives. I personally knew one of those people, but every day I pray for all of them.

    The trauma, destruction, and death I was experiencing and witnessing every day for five days altered my sense of being entirely.

    Visions that would normally bring me to my knees were becoming commonplace.

    Stepping over the bodies of beautiful souls, crudely wrapped in blue tarpaulins far too small for the job, became just something I had to do to get to safety.

    Watching as a fellow trekker’s body burned in a traditional Buddhist cremation, out in the open on the side of a hill. Watching as his friends gathered his ashes in a bucket to take home to his loving family. Watching, but not really seeing… it was like I was outside of my body, looking on.

    Days went by before I found myself standing outside the Australian Embassy in Kathmandu. You would think I could start to feel safe, but Kathmandu was badly damaged, and mourning the massive loss of lives. There continued to be aftershocks. It was not safe.

    Still, the welcome sound of the Aussie accent and the welcome sight of fresh water, food rations, and tents in the Embassy grounds were extremely comforting. More comforting was the next night, taking my seat on a plane to Malaysia, before a plane to Sydney. However the comfort, the relief, was mixed with bewilderment and much sadness. There was a part of me that didn’t want to leave.

    Coming home was bittersweet. I was, of course, extremely joyful to be hugging my family and friends, but the event had taken its toll and I wasn’t remotely who I was when I had left Australia only a month before.

    Shock and trauma had settled in me now that I was out of immediate danger, my body shut down, and my mind shut down. I was a mess.

    A few months on, and I’ve been able to look back at this time. I learned some things through this experience, mostly about myself, and I’d like to share these:

    Without any warning, things can change. You can change.

    I used to see natural disasters in foreign countries on the news and watch as travelers were urged to get to their Embassy and governments rallied to evacuate their citizens. I never thought it would happen to me though, because these things happen to other people. Right? Wrong.

    Things can change regardless of how well you plan. Things changed, and well, I changed—in that split second where I fought for my own life, and the times in the days to follow where I felt it was likely my end, I changed.

    This experience will forever be a part of who I am, and has irreversibly redefined me and my values. I have learned that as much as we like to think we have it all under control, we don’t, and we need to be prepared to change.

    Embrace surrender and acceptance.

    I now have a better understanding of what it means to accept and surrender. It doesn’t mean that I won’t have goals and I won’t plan, but I now understand what I can control and what I can’t control. Consequently, I know now that there really is very little in this life I can control. I’m not perfect at this, but I am getting better, day by day.

    When life does what it does, we can embrace each situation and accept it as it is, or we can demand that life be some other way. In the words of Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now, “Whenever you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” When we have no control of the situation, demanding it be some other way is a drama.

    Your best, at each moment, has to be good enough.

    The trauma and constant stress of living one minute to the next for five days, along with the situations I found myself in, and witnessed, not knowing if I would live that day or die, took its toll on me.

    Everything came back to basics—safety from landslides and aftershocks, a supply of clean water and some shelter and warmth were the key priorities. My ability to think straight, my ability to comprehend what was happening, my capacity to fathom the extent of the destruction and death—all of these were compromised and this affected my thoughts and my behaviors.

    We all just have to do our best, in every moment, because it’s all we have and that has to be good enough. Let’s be gentle on ourselves.

    That which you think you can’t possibly get through, you can.

    If you had asked me if I could get through the experience I went through, before I went through it, I likely would have said no.

    I have learned that we are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Not only capable of surviving traumatic experiences, but showing compassion, love, and nurturing along the way; taking the gifts, however disguised they may seem at the time; and allowing change and growth to occur within ourselves. Walking right up to it, leaning in to it.

    We can get through it, even when we think we can’t.

    It’s okay to not be okay.

    I hope to listen to the mountain meditation again one day, just as I hope to trek mountains again one day. The mighty Himalayas are still there. In parts, they look a little different and some are even a bit broken. But they remain, standing strong, in the face of the devastation they have had to witness.

    I aspire again to be like that mountain. I’m a bit broken too, but I stand up again and face this life with a gratefulness that I wouldn’t have, had it not been for this experience. At the sound of a helicopter you will find me under the nearest table, and sudden loud noises bring me to my knees.

    I struggle to hold a conversation about my experience without tears streaming down my face. I’ve learned that even though we might not be okay right now, and we might be a bit broken in places, we can keep getting back up, every day. Every single day.

    —

    I recognize the pull in my heart to return to Nepal; I accept that yearning and commit to returning when the time is right. I breathe in my life every second and I endeavor to practice acceptance in a much more authentic way than ever before.

    I have changed—I’m not who I once was. That thing I thought I would never be able to get through, I did, and it has redefined my entire being.

    I tentatively welcome the gifts from this experience each day, while never forgetting to honor my fellow adventurers who didn’t make it home and the beautiful people of Nepal, who lost their lives that day when the mountains moved.

    A beautiful and wise friend who shared this journey with me has always told me that there are gifts in everything if only we look closely enough.

    Whatever it is you’re going through, have faith that you will get to the other side, and when you do, remember to look closely enough to recognize the gifts from your experience, and welcome the personal growth and change in yourself.

    Man in the mountains image via Shutterstock

  • How to Move Forward When You Feel Like Your Life Is Over

    How to Move Forward When You Feel Like Your Life Is Over

    Stormy Night

    “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

    At seventeen years old, baseball was my life. I played on the top summer Connecticut baseball teams, constantly practiced and trained, and dreamed of being a starter for the high school varsity team. Junior year I was on varsity but didn’t get any playing time, so I was putting all my hopes and dreams into spring of my senior year.

    When I went to college showcases, I was one of the standout players and I received many letters in the mail from interested colleges who wanted me to go and play for them. I had scouts coming up to me saying, “Wow, you are an incredible hitter and ballplayer.”

    Senior year, I did extremely well in tryouts. In live scrimmages against other teams, I was one of the only players on our team to consistently hit well.

    In the last scrimmage of tryouts, I crushed a double against a Division I college-recruit athlete, one of the only players on my team to get a hit off of him. As a soon-to-be college athlete, I was one of the best players in the league.

    Unexpected News in the Locker Room

    On the bus ride back to the locker room after the final day of scrimmaging against another team, I was on cloud nine. I’d had a good game and had proved myself. Years of hard work and sacrifice were finally coming to fruition.

    The coach took out the list and read the names of the players who made the team.

    My name wasn’t called…

    I was cut.

    I was beyond devastated—I was destroyed. On the drive home, all I could think was, I’m nobody, I’m nothing, and I’m worthless. Those horrible thoughts kept playing in my head like a broken record.

    I had all of my self-worth caught up with being on this team.

    The Dark Night of My Soul

    When I got home my parents were loving and supportive, but I pushed them away because I was so upset. I isolated myself, terrifying thoughts running through my mind:

    I’m nothing. My life is over. I will never be able to show my face to the world again. All my years of hard work are wasted.

    With all my self-worth flushed down the toilet, my dreams gone, and embarrassed to the full extent possible, I was ready to take my own life. I was ready to kill myself.

    Have you ever been so zoomed in on something that you completely lost yourself in it?

    That was exactly what I was experiencing, and because it was ripped from me so unexpectedly, I truly no longer wanted to be alive.

    Senior year turned out to be the worst year of my life after everyone told me that it would be the best year. The happy endings we see in movies don’t always exist in reality. At the time, it seemed like my life had become a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape.

    I went to the garage, grabbed the rope from the workbench, and considered hanging myself from the tree out back. But just before taking my own life, one last spark of hope came to me that said, “Put the rope down, go up to your room, and go to sleep. You will get through this.”

    Thankfully, I listened to that intuitive knowing that came to me.

    When You Feel Like Your Life is Over

    We all have things that we care passionately about, sometimes to an unreasonable and unhealthy extent. While our individual situations and circumstances are vastly different, feelings are what connect us and are universal. The feeling of devastating loss is the same.

    When those things that you care about most dearly are taken from you for reasons beyond your control, you don’t need to go to the extreme like I did.

    Through discussions with hundreds of people in travels around the world, extensive research, and my transformation over the last seven years from someone literally on the brink of suicide, I’ve discovered proven tips and insights you can apply to get through your dark night of the soul, that moment when you feel like your life is over.

    Take it one breath at a time—literally.

    Put down the million and one things from your past that you are upset about and the billion and one things in your future that you are anxious about and simplify life down to one moment, this moment.

    Just before I was about to hang myself, I used individual breaths to take me out of my downward spiral of self-hatred.

    Keep it in perspective.

    The tendency of the human mind is to zoom in on situations and lose perspective, especially when your heart and soul are involved in the outcome. We live in a huge world with a vast array of possibilities, and even though it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, your best days are ahead of you and your life is not ruined.

    Instead of trying to think positively, shift back to neutral.

    When you are that depressed—at rock bottom, with no hope like I was—the last thing you want is to be overly positive. Imagine driving your car and instead of putting it into drive, you are slowly shifting from reverse back to neutral; instead of fighting your thoughts, choose to be the observer of your thoughts.

    Recognize what’s happened is not a reflection of your worth.

    Your self-worth is infinite, and it’s not dependent upon external circumstances such as making or not making a team or getting a job, nor does it depend on what others think of you.

    Know that you are loved.

    I know it may not feel like it, and I absolutely understand the feeling of embarrassment that you’ll never be able to talk about what you are going through, but even when you feel most isolated, I promise there are people who still love you dearly.

    Remember that there is a hidden opportunity in every setback.

    When one door closes, another one opens. You can use setbacks to your advantage and a crisis is an opportunity for a breakthrough.

    Realize this situation serves a purpose.

    This unexpected and unfair situation you are going through (or have already been through) is the very situation life wants you to experience to get you to your next level. At the age of seventeen, with my biggest dream of being a starter on the high school varsity baseball team shattered to pieces, I never would have thought, from my limited vantage point, that life could get better, but it did.

    The truth is you can handle any challenge life hands you.

    The temporary feeling of rock bottom will go away when you realize just how connected and important you are. You have a purpose and you will help others.

    Why Did No One Tell Me?

    I’ll never understand, for as long as I live, why not one person told me that my self-worth doesn’t depend on being on some silly team. The people I went to high school with were as brainwashed as I was when it comes to what really matters in life.

    But you know what? I can’t control those people I went to high school with and I peacefully wish them well. But I can control, in this present moment, the experiences and lessons I share with the world. And I’m here to tell you that there is always a solution and a way out, even when you think all possible options and solutions have been exhausted.

    No matter how badly you feel right now, you will get through your predicament and end up using it to your advantage. You will find the silver lining and do incredible things with your life.

    See you at the mountaintop.

    Stormy night image via Shutterstock

  • Sensitivity Is a Gift: How to Thrive with a Bleeding Heart

    Sensitivity Is a Gift: How to Thrive with a Bleeding Heart

    “You are not a mess. You are a feeling person in a messy world.” ~Glennon Doyle Melton

    I can recall crying myself to sleep at night when I was a little girl. Not a loud bawl, more of a soft weep.

    My mom would tuck me in goodnight and as soon as she turned the lights on her way out, I would be left with a feeling of fear and sadness. Not because I was afraid of the dark, but because I was afraid of my dark.

    The thoughts that entered my mind that kept me from falling into a peaceful slumber as an elementary school kid were rife with pain and suffering.

    Mom would say, “Think good thoughts, honey.” But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too affected by all the suffering I saw.

    I cried for all the injustice in the world.

    I cried for all the pain I couldn’t necessarily see but could sense in others.

    I cried for the kids getting bullied at my school.

    I cried for myself getting teased at school.

    I cried because people died and I didn’t get why they had to.

    Somewhere along the way I received the message that it wasn’t okay to cry, or feel anything other than fine. That it was somehow bad to feel emotion. That to be a good little girl, I had to conceal and go along.

    The only problem was, I had a lot of feelings. All the time I had them, intensely strong ones.

    The world is not set up to honor sensitive people. When we see someone crying, we also usually see someone rush to their side and say “Oh, don’t cry.”

    My question is, why?

    Why can’t we cry? What is so bad about crying?

    I want to scream from the rooftops:

    I reserve the right to be sad if I’m sad.

    I reserve the right to be mad if I’m mad.

    And I reserve the right to cry if I feel like crying. It’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to.

    Crying is a sign of life, by the way. It means you are alive. It’s the first thing we want to hear when a new baby is born—their cry. It is one of the most natural human reflexes we have.

    But growing up as sensitive or empathetic, we learn that we are oversensitive, too much, too emotional, cry babies, wimps, too fragile, over-reactors. So what is given to us as a gift—our sensitive nature—is often squashed, repressed, and stifled.

    And when we don’t know how to use our superpower sensitivities for good, the weight of the world’s suffering will most definitely crush us. My sensitivity felt like a wicked curse for a long time, before I learned how to treasure it like the blessing it is.

    Some things I have learned:

    Honor your sensitive nature.

    Do this by affirming yourself and realizing that this is how you were made. Make the best of it and turn it from a commonly perceived negative trait to your biggest asset.

    Maximize the strength of being highly sensitive by making sure you have a creative outlet. It is essential to have a place for it all to go. Whatever it is for you, go there as much as you can to release the myriad of emotions from any given day. Find it, do it, love it, and let it rejuvenate you.

    Find your fellow heart-bleeders.

    It can be alienating to feel like you’re the only one feeling so deeply. But there are so many of us out there, I assure you. There’s even a book called If You Feel Too Much.

    Kindle up friendships with these people and create your tribe. There is such strength and power in connecting with like minds. You will know who they are by the way you feel around them—they see and accept and love your depth of feeling, they do not shame you for it or tell you to change your nature.

    Reserve the right to cry.

    Crying is a release and a ritual of mine. I love when a good, hard cry sneaks up on me in yoga. It’s just so healing. My emotions can overwhelm me, from unbearable grief to overstimulating joy. I cry to help release that energy overflow; otherwise, my heart might explode. I am moved to tears on a regular basis and let them come and go as they please, even welcome them now.

    You do not have to be the suffering-holder and pain-keeper.

    Just because you are acutely aware of the pain and emotional nuances of those around you doesn’t mean you need to take it on and make it your own. In fact, you really can’t. It’ll bring you down with them.

    There is a beautiful word in the English language known as boundaries. Compassion is also a beautiful word. Boundaries and compassion can, in fact, co-exist. The way to be compassionate and have boundaries at the same time is to show your love and caring for others without taking responsibility for their pain and problems by trying to fix them.

    —

    Being born extra-sensitive is a gift, so long as we choose to see it that way. It was my fatal flaw until I learned what to do with it. When we can learn to work with it, rather than against it, we can undoubtedly make it our greatest strength and the source of all the magic and richness in this life.

  • What Anxiety Can Do to Your Body & How to Calm Your Mind

    What Anxiety Can Do to Your Body & How to Calm Your Mind

    Woman Meditating

    “Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically, if we are willing to listen.” ~Shakti Gawain

    I woke up screaming—not just any scream, but a blood-curdling sound that could have woken the dead.

    My throat was searing with pain, and my pajamas were stuck to me from being so damp. After a minute or two, my heartbeat slowed and I lay back down, still shaking. It wasn’t a nightmare; I couldn’t even remember what I had dreamt.

    This behavior sounds weird, but it was not an infrequent episode in our house. The week prior I’d woken up in the bathtub.

    My mum would often say, “Do you remember what you did last night?” I would have no recollection whatsoever—unnerving and also frustrating.

    I was experiencing what doctors refer to as “night terrors.” As a child it was just the norm—sleep walking and waking up screaming in the middle of the night. It’s only looking back now that I can provide a logical explanation for it.

    You see, I had a fairly average upbringing, nothing traumatic about it, except I was always a worrier.

    I felt different from other children and liked to keep myself to myself. There I would be in the playground reading a book, while others played. I was a bit of a loner and I got singled out for it. I was also quite plump as well.

    The Beginning of My Anxiety

    I went through many changes with my parents getting divorced, moving a few times, and both my mother and father remarrying again very quickly, all within a short space of time.

    I took it all in my stride and never consciously felt any real stress or tension—or so I thought.

    In hindsight, I am well aware that my brain was in constant overdrive and found a way of dealing with the anxiety that I had managed to suppress. This all came bubbling to the surface subconsciously during times of deep sleep.

    Although from time to time I still wake up screaming, the sleepwalking has stopped and the night terrors have subsided. What helped? I’ve learned how to calm my mind, and now I no longer have heart palpitations and panic attacks during the night.

    The brain is so powerful, and the one major organ in the body that cannot be fully explained. Through my own personal experiences, have discovered ways to work with my brain so I have more control over my thoughts and behavior.

    I will elaborate on this, but first I would like to tell you another story to prove just how powerful our minds are.

    The Mind/Body Connection

    Last year, one of my closest friends began to feel tingling all over her body. It would come and go in waves but was mainly focused on her hands, feet, and back.

    I’d known my friend for years, and she always struck me as confident, strong, and ‘together.’

    For months she suffered these symptoms and saw several doctors, consultants, and neurologists. She had numerous blood tests and scans, just to be told there was nothing wrong with her.

    My friend was at her wits end, constantly on Google and convinced she had a severe neurological condition such as MS. Nobody believed her and everyone (including myself) assumed she was being a hypochondriac.

    My friend did not give up. She continued in her pursuit, getting a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth opinion—as many as it would take until someone could give her an accurate diagnosis and actually help her.

    Eventually, she found a specialist and neurological consultant in London, who explained that she did have a neurological condition, but it was more of a disorder than a disease.

    My friend had an unstable childhood and always felt unloved and unwanted. Having carried around many insecurities for years, and having excessively worried about everything, she had developed a disorder whereby her nervous system was in a constant state of shock, known as the “fight or flight mode.”

    She was diagnosed with a psychosomatic illness and then referred to a counsellor.

    In laymen’s terms, there had been a severe psychiatric disturbance in my friend’s brain, which had built up over years primarily due to stress and anxiety. With no means to channel or express these feelings, her nerves had become highly sensitized, mimicking symptoms similar to those of MS and Parkinson’s disease.

    Also known as Neurological Anxiety Disorder, this disease affects many who are not even aware they have it.

    For example, you could be suffering from severe headaches. You go to work every day to do a job that you detest. Eventually, you leave this job and find another one. Simultaneously, your headaches stop. It wouldn’t occur to many individuals to connect the dots.

    There are countless of examples just like this, which affect thousands all over the world, every day—all because of built up stress.

    I’m sharing my friend’s experience and mine because I believe it is important for such conditions to be openly discussed and understood.

    Although liberal in most parts, we still live in a society that thinks a mental condition defines the individual as being mad and unhinged—it’s a taboo subject. Unfortunately, this compels victims to suffer in silence due to the fear of being judged.

    Calm Your Mind

    We all have our emotional issues to bear. During the whirlwind of daily life, it is paramount that we learn to relax more frequently. Relaxation and peace are qualities that are neither expensive nor difficult to obtain, if we prioritize and make time for them.

    The best time to relax, I find, is in the evening, a few hours before I go to sleep. I have a routine that has helped me to have more of a restful sleep, enabling me to feel refreshed when I awake in the mornings. Very straightforward, it can be applied by anyone.

    Three Tips to Relax Before Bed

    1. Unplug.

    At least two hours before sleep, stop watching TV, using your phone, or engaging with any technology. Get into the habit of winding down by reading, listening to relaxing music, or having a hot bath. Any creative hobby is good, as long as it’s relaxing.

    2. Keep a journal.

    Reflecting on your day and writing about your problems, worries, and irritants can help unload your mind so you can go to sleep with a clearer head.

    This process can also help you find solutions. Try writing all your problems in order of priority and deciding how you will tackle them, one by one. This will give you a sense of control, help you seeing what is really important, and enable you to put the smaller worries into perspective.

     3. Meditate lying in bed.

    Here’s a simple technique I use: Imagine being in your favorite place. Travel to the most idyllic location or scenario you can picture in your mind’s eye. Visualize all your worries and concerns becoming more distant, a world away from you and your blissful, special place.

    These steps are simple but extremely effective.

    So often we go to sleep emotionally charged, with our brains still buzzing. Finding time daily to unwind prevents long-term anxiety, stress, tension, and, yes, illnesses.

    A restful sleep has a big influence over our brain activity and determines how focused and energized we are physically, mentally, and emotionally the following day.

    Incorporating Serenity into Your Day

    1. Practice deep breathing.

    Our breathing and physical state have a huge influence over our mental state. During the day, when you are feeling overwhelmed, get into the habit of stopping and focusing on your breath.

    Take five minutes and do nothing—be still, try to quiet your thoughts, and focus only on your breathing; in through your nose, out through your mouth. Do this a dozen times and you will feel better and more composed.

    2. Tap your way to peace.

    Tapping several times on pressure points such as your wrists, the inside of your finger tips, neck, and chest can also help relax you. While tapping, imagine you are sending tranquil energy directly into your body. It only takes a few minutes, and you can do it anywhere and as frequently as you like.

    —

    If you believe that you suffer from an abnormal level of anxiety or have experienced symptoms like my friend’s or mine, is important that you seek help.

    We all need to de-stress and focus on becoming more balanced. If we don’t get into the habit of fostering inner peace, we could experience severe consequences that take a lot of time to rectify in the long run.

    We need to nourish our minds by providing the tranquility it needs to function efficiently and proactively.

    Meditation silhouette via Shutterstock

  • There’s No Expiration Date on Grief (So Don’t Rush Your Pain)

    There’s No Expiration Date on Grief (So Don’t Rush Your Pain)

    Woman Sitting Alone

    “They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.” ~Cassandra Clare

    I lost my father to a heart attack when I was sixteen. I went to school on the morning of April 14, 2008 having a dad and went home that night not having one. I soon found myself dealing with an unfamiliar cocktail of emotions, pain so overwhelming that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    Every time I thought I was pulling myself together, I’d notice his belt buckle sitting on the dresser, or a pair of his socks on the floor, and suddenly the haphazard stitches I’d been sewing myself up with would tear open with heart-wrenching sobs.

    I lost the ability to make simple decisions like what takeout restaurant to order from or what to watch on TV. Nothing made sense that week.

    Dad had been my best friend, though not in the sense that he tried to act my age or allowed me to get away with things. On the contrary, my father was quite strict, always pushing me to be a better person.

    He was my best friend in that I could go to him with any worry and receive honest, unbiased advice. He forced me to see the good in myself instead of dwelling on the negative. I could cry in front of him knowing that he didn’t feel awkward or want to avoid me like dad characters on TV sitcoms.

    On the day of his death I had to accept that I could rely on no one but myself. That in and of itself seemed challenging, but now I had the added burden of everyone else depending on me. I was the shoulder that my mother and younger sister cried on.

    As the oldest child I became second in command under Mom. She relied on me for help with planning funeral details and making sure papers were in order. I didn’t mind the new role because it was empowering, as though by helping Mom I was giving back to Dad for everything he’d done for me.

    My greatest character flaw has always been focusing on the future instead of remaining grounded in the present. Not surprisingly, my father’s death and my long-term response to grief were no different.

    I cried for the entire week after he died. I cried along with everyone else at the funeral. Surely that’s all that grieving was supposed to be, right?

    When the funeral was over and the house was devoid of mourners, I picked my life up from where I was before his death.

    I avoided living in the “now” because the present was too painful, yet simultaneously tried to convince the rest of the world that I was a strong woman dealing with her pain. I stayed focused on getting into college and doing all of the things I knew my father would have wanted for me.

    This worked well until my senior year of college. I was on the Dean’s List, I had just gotten accepted into graduate school, and graduation was right around the corner.

    Then my boyfriend proposed.

    Except, I never expected that he would propose with my mother’s engagement ring, the same ring my father bought and proposed with. There was now a reminder of my father glimmering on my finger every day that I couldn’t ignore.

    Despite it being one of the happiest moments of my life, my engagement caused all of the sadness I’d buried to start bubbling up to the surface with such vigor that it felt like the day of his death all over again. I couldn’t run home and tell Dad the happy news. He wasn’t going to be able to walk me down the aisle.

    I realized how much I had been lying to myself. I hadn’t finished grieving because I hadn’t started grieving in the first place. I had been so focused on taking on the role of adult of the house that I didn’t give myself the chance to feel angry, resentful, or depressed, or to find the acceptance I really needed in order to move on.

    During the funeral people approached me to say that things would become easier in time. In truth, I don’t think this is ever the case. I have decided that grief never ends; we just find different ways of working with it in our lives.

    At twenty-four, I pretend to be a stoic and emotionless professional woman, but discussing my father with people still melts me like butter. I think about him and write about him more now than I did seven years ago, and that’s okay. There are no time limits for grief other than the ones we force on ourselves.

    If I could talk to my sixteen-year-old self, I’d tell her she shouldn’t feel guilty for her sadness. She’s entitled to grieve however she wants, for however long she wants. More importantly, I’d tell her that it’s important to take the time to sort out those feelings instead of hiding from them or putting other people first.

    I admit that certain memories of Dad still trigger a twinge of heartache. I will always feel emptiness in my life without him here. But I am aware of how much of him still lives with me—in my smile, my hobbies, and in the shared memories of people in my life who had the honor of knowing him.

    The key to grieving is not to try to stop it as quickly as possible. Grief cannot be shut off at will, despite how long I spent trying to convince myself otherwise. What matters is that we acknowledge that we are in pain and try to find the goodness in our life despite it.

    I used to look down at my engagement ring and feel numbed by sadness, both for the past and for the things that can never be. But with a new mindfulness I can look at my ring, this gift from my father, and know for certain that I’m allowed to move on and find the same happiness that my parents had.

    My father’s never going to disappear from my life; he’s just talking in ways that require careful listening.

    Woman sitting alone image via Shutterstock

  • How to Recover and Find Strength after Losing a Parent

    How to Recover and Find Strength after Losing a Parent

    “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” ~Dalai Lama

    There was a period in life I called “the golden era.” Not in hindsight but at the actual time.

    I named it such because I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

    Everyone I loved was alive and well. I had a good job, a home, and a loving companion. All the things everyone longs for.

    Little did I know, this “golden era” would end too soon.

    One day, out of the blue, Mum asked if I had noticed a change in Dad’s behavior. She described how he could no longer write his signature and would often become distant.

    After some tests, we discovered that my father had a brain tumor.

    That instantly spelled the end of the golden era and the beginning of a rather painful period.

    Watching someone who was strong become weak and bedridden, suffer seizures, and eventually drift away eats away at you.

    It’s difficult to describe the tumultuous wave of feelings that come and overwhelm you. There’s the fear of coping with loss and feeling powerless because you can’t cure the illness and avoid the inevitable.

    Losing a parent can feel like losing part of yourself. If they’ve always been there, helping and supporting you, it’s hard to imagine coping without them.

    Getting through such a bleak period, however, proved one thing:

    We are stronger than we think.

    Somewhere inside us is a resilience we never thought possible.

    Use the following steps to uncover your inner strength, overcome grief, and learn to smile again.

    1. Forgive yourself.

    When a parent dies, guilt can become a burden because of past arguments you now regret or maybe because you think you didn’t do enough to help them.

    You should realize no parent-child relationship is ever perfect. Disputes, mistakes, and shortcomings occur on both sides and are all in the past. You were still loved even if you were seldom told.

    By recognizing the past as something that is finished and unchangeable, you can begin to free yourself from guilt and reflect on the good times instead. The good times are what they would want you to remember.

    2. Face your feelings.

    Feelings of loss or anger can grow stronger if left unchecked, especially if you’ve never known death so close.

    Exploring ways to cope with these feelings myself led to meditation. Mindfulness meditation is one way to help understand the flow of these feelings.

    Imagine sitting on a river bank and watching the boats sail by. Similarly, by watching your thoughts, you’ll see how your grief has influenced your emotions. This “watching” of thoughts creates an awareness of their impact on how you feel that, in turn, reduces the pendulum effect of emotions. By anticipating emotions, you begin to reduce their power.

    3. Keep talking.

    The sudden reality of not being able to chat to your Mum or Dad again can be hard to accept.

    For a time after losing Dad, I still chatted to him. I asked what he thought of something, but of course I didn’t expect an answer. It was a way of getting the words out that were already in me to say.

    Don’t hide from the fact that your parent is gone. Visit the grave, and chat to them in thoughts. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Not only does it keep their memory alive, but it’s also a release for your feelings.

    4. Look after you.

    Grief can take its toll in many ways. Loss of sleep, reduced appetite, and damaged immune system are not uncommon. The remedy is to protect your health and fitness.

    Like the pre-flight safety instructions to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, protect your health first to ensure you can heal and help others do the same.

    You only need to take small steps. Get walking with a friend, eat natural, unprocessed food, and stay hydrated. When your body feels strong, it will lift your mood and help you cope.

    5. Take time out.

    During the immediate aftermath, you’ll have an overwhelming to-do list. From making funeral arrangements to addressing legal matters. All physically and mentally exhausting.

    It’s vital for your physical and mental health to rest. If you take a vacation to recuperate when things have settled, you’ll be able to return refreshed to help your family over the longer term. Never feel guilty for taking time off.

    6. Avoid comparisons.

    During grief, we can become self-conscious of how we’re perceived by others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so don’t judge your reaction to loss. You don’t need to look or behave a certain way.

    A colleague returned to work recently the day after their father’s funeral, which attracted comment, whereas I took several weeks off.

    Don’t worry about how it looks to others or what they might think. This is your personal journey and yours alone, so never fear judgment. Do what’s right for you.

    7. Be patient.

    Missing a parent is natural, and if you were very close, you’ll need time to adjust.

    Time heals the acuteness of pain, but you may continue to miss your parent. After five years, I still miss Dad very much. Hardly a week goes by that I don’t think of him, but it used to be hardly a day.

    Don’t wish time away in the hope you can speed up the healing process. Recovery will happen at its own natural pace.

    8. Support your family.

    The passing of a parent can send a shockwave across the whole family. We might become withdrawn in our own grief and not realize others are sharing in the loss.

    So offer your hand in support to other family members. You will avoid feeling isolated if you focus on the needs of others and help other loved ones to cope.

    As a loving team, you will be able to count on each other at different times to get through the toughest periods together.

    9. Enjoy precious memories.

    There was a time I couldn’t think of Dad without a tear. When I returned to work, I had to make a determined effort not to swell up when colleagues offered condolences.

    But I discovered that I could still enjoy my Dad’s “company” by recalling the good times we shared. The laughs, the trips, and the DIY jobs that seemed to take forever.

    Don’t avoid reliving your precious moments in your mind’s eye. A time will come when you smile or laugh to yourself just as you did at the time. So let your parent live on in your thoughts, and enjoy seeing them there any time you wish.

    10. Accept the new you.

    As we get older, our opinions and outlook on life can change. The passing of a parent is one of those experiences that will change you. I became more tolerant because life’s trivia was put in context.

    Worry about missing deadlines, being late for an event, or having a new gadget malfunction. Events that annoy us day to day pale into insignificance.

    This change is not for the better or worse; it’s simply a change. Grief increases awareness that all things change, so prioritize what’s really important.

    Value and enjoy every waking moment, and let the new you grab each precious day with passion.

    Unlock a New Chapter

    Society often writes off the death of a parent as the natural order of events, but those who’ve experienced it know how life-changing it is.

    You feel hurt and loss because you have a heart but that heart is stronger than you ever imagined.

    With the steps above, the same heart can grow in confidence, beat with new hope, and become healthier than ever before. You can still enjoy life, and you should.

    Life is there to be cherished.

    It’s what your parent would have wanted. Live your life in the knowledge they’d be happy for you.

  • You Don’t Need to Fix the Past in Order to Have a New Future

    You Don’t Need to Fix the Past in Order to Have a New Future

    Past in the Sand

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen! They are:

    • Dianna
    • Michael Maher
    • Kathleen B
    • Yusuf Stoptagginmeanyhow Sulei
    • Aparna

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    My family recently drove from Michigan to North Carolina—twenty hours roundtrip. To entertain themselves, my five-year-old daughter Willow taught my three-year-old son Miller to play rock-paper-scissors in the backseat.

    Miller learned the hand signals and got the overall concept pretty quickly, but he had a hard time with the fast speed of the game. Willow narrated, “Rock-paper-scissors…go! Okay, next round!” But Miller wanted to linger.

    When he chose paper and Willow chose scissors, he’d see her scissors and quickly try to change to rock so that he could win the round.

    Or if he chose rock and she chose scissors, he’d want to stop and hang out in his win for a while. He’d celebrate, gloat, and become frustrated when she was already on to the next round.

    My husband and I tried to explain to Miller that it was a quick game with no time to hold on to what was already done. There’s also no need to hold on—each round brings a brand new chance to win or lose.

    While we tried to teach him that it made more sense to leave the past behind and look toward the next round, his let-it-go-and-move-on wasn’t up to par compared to his older sister’s.

    Miller turned rock-paper-scissors into a slow, thought-heavy emotional roller coaster, where every move felt important and meaningful. What could have been a fun and easy game was not very fun for him.

    It was clear to see how Miller was getting in his own way. And then it hit me that I—and most people I know—do the same thing in our adult lives. We innocently get in our own way as we focus on what we don’t like and try to make it better when it would be far easier to leave the past behind and look toward the “next round.”

    Life is always moving through us—nothing is permanent. New thought and emotion flow through us constantly, creating our rotating and fluid experience of life.

    Sometimes we stay out of the way and let our experience flow. Willow was staying out of the way as she played rock-paper-scissors (and she was having a great time, I might add). And sometimes we’re more like Miller, innocently blocking the easy flow of life with our opinions, judgments, and disapproval. We don’t pick up and move on as much as we focus on righting what is already over.

    In hindsight, I can see how I’ve dammed up my own flow of experience at times in my life, especially when I was struggling with things I wanted to change.

    When I was facing a confusing and uncontrollable binge eating habit, for example, I thought what I was supposed to do was to examine it, analyze it, talk about it, and focus on it with a whole lot of emotion and energy until I made it go away.

    But more often than not, that created more suffering. It left me even more convinced that my habit was a serious problem that I needed to solve, and it left me feeling hopeless because I didn’t know how to solve it.

    Of course, there’s a lot to be said for understanding ourselves and our experiences in a new way and taking action where action is needed. Those are absolutely necessary. But keeping our “problem” under a constant microscope, trying to use our intellect to solve it as if it’s a crossword puzzle, is not the way to freedom.

    If new thought, emotion, and insight are always flowing through us like a river, doesn’t it make sense to look upstream at what’s coming next, especially when we’re experiencing something we don’t like? It’s just like we told Miller in rock-paper-scissors: if you don’t like what happened in this round, let it go and look toward the next round.

    But we forget this when it comes to the big things in life, don’t we? It seems responsible, necessary, or adult-like to hold the problem tightly until we fix it.

    If our moment-to-moment experience of life is like a river rushing through us, our “fix-it” attempts are the equivalent of standing in the middle of the river, filling a bucket with the water that has already flowed past and carrying that bucket with us everywhere we go.

    We obstruct the momentum of the river and analyze that old, familiar “problem” water to death, not realizing that if we only turned and looked upstream we’d have an excellent chance of seeing something new and different.

    Looking upstream we might see with fresh eyes—looking downstream, we’re just looking at more of what we already know.

    With regard to my binge eating habit, I realized that my best chance for change would come from letting go of everything I thought I knew and being open to fresh, new insights and ideas. Not carrying around the past or analyzing the problem; instead, being open and unencumbered.

    As I began to see my habit-related thoughts and behaviors as things flowing by me that I didn’t need to grab ahold of, they passed by more easily. Each and every day I found myself less in the way, realizing that I was very separate from those unwanted thoughts and urges.

    When my habit-related experience looked more like leaves floating on the surface of the river than like gigantic boulders, life took on a new feeling of ease. I saw that I could gently dodge some of what was coming down the river rather than stop and fight with or fix it. The healthy “me” was more visible than ever.

    Not staring at your problems is not ignoring or denying the issue any more than Willow was ignoring or denying the previous rock-paper-scissors round when she easily moved on. Take note of how your experience feels. When life—which really is very game-like—feels like a difficult, not fun, emotional rollercoaster, you’re holding on to something, innocently getting in your own way.

    Maybe even the bigger issues in life really aren’t so different than rock-paper-scissors—you get what you get, but you don’t have to stay there and try to change the last round. Let life flow and as you do, the healthy, clear, peaceful version of yourself will be more visible than ever too.

    NOTE: Amy has generously offered to give five copies of her new book, The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit. Leave a comment on the post for a chance to win! You can enter until midnight, PST, on Friday, February 5th.

    Past in the sand image via Shutterstock

  • Live Without Regrets: Lessons from a Near-Death Experience

    Live Without Regrets: Lessons from a Near-Death Experience

    Live Laugh Love

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    My former life as a diamond dealer was not as glamorous as one would think. I wound up spending many months traversing barren lands and boarding rickety aircrafts. If you can imagine the life of Indiana Jones, it wasn’t all that different with the exception that no one was chasing me.

    My travels customarily took me to the many diamond deposits laden throughout Africa. The majority of the “puddle jumper” planes I routinely flew on should’ve been retired decades ago, but miraculously, the ingenuity of the Africans kept them in working order.

    One morning I woke up with a sense of uneasiness, as a voice inside my head was saying, “Don’t take this flight.”

    Despite the intense feeling of anxiety, I began mentally preparing for the long day ahead.

    Boarding the plane, the anxiousness only increased as thoughts of my parents and six-year old daughter inundated my mind. I chose to ignore the sickening feeling in my gut, telling myself to pull it together for the forty-five-minute flight.

    The plane took off, ascending above the endless landscape of the African jungle. The familiar hum of the propellers, the oppressive heat, and the vibration of the aircraft quickly relaxed me and I drifted off to sleep.

    Minutes later, my mind realized that the buzz of the flight had ended and there was nothing but complete silence. The creaking and clanking of the plane in the breeze was the only sound.

    I quickly looked over at the pilot with a glance that said: “IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS???” His eyes were filled with terror. “BRACE FOR IMPACT!” he yelled.

    We began falling…

    Nobody wants to die, and I am no exception. However, there was an eerie calm that came over me.

    The journey toward death was a reflection.

    I found myself regretting the chances I didn’t take and the people who I loved deeply but hadn’t shown or expressed my love to.

    I regretted the time I wasted on people whom I didn’t need and situations I should have walked away from.

    I found myself regretting the issues that arose on account of my selfish ego.

    But above all, I regretted leaving my six-year-old daughter. I anguished over the idea of never seeing her bright eyes and shiny smile again, nor being with her at the happiest and hardest moments of her life.

    These split-second reflections were quickly replaced by a jolt of consciousness that returned me to the moment of impact. A terrible screeching sound, a jerk and then… nothing… darkness…

    I felt a blinding light shining through my eyelids and the sounds started breaking the stillness. Am I alive?? It was a miracle—the carpet of jungle had saved us all during the crash by acting like a trampoline and absorbing the impact.

    During the next eight hours as we trudged through the jungle, I had time to contemplate where I was in my life.

    I learned that life could change within seconds.

    It doesn’t matter how much time we spend plotting and planning; when change comes, we will have to respond according to our instincts. I’ve learned the importance of embracing flexibility. I still make plans, but I no longer panic when those plans don’t pan out.

    I learned that time is of the essence.

    Normally we take our time when approaching a task, rushing in the final moments to accomplish it and fearful we might fail in the face of a looming deadline. Understanding urgency has changed my life. I no longer postpose anything that is important to me.

    I learned to better express my love.

    I use the words I love you with greater frequency and take every opportunity to express my appreciation for those who are in my life, especially my mom and my daughters.

    I learned to cherish my relationships.

    I promised myself I would value my friends and I’d be there for them whenever they needed me. No more excuses, and no more waiting for them to reach out to me. I regularly host dinners where those dearest to me can enjoy a warm conversation and a hearty meal.

    I learned that money is not the goal.

    I no longer earn as much as I did. Instead, I pursue every opportunity to create meaningful experiences in life.

    I learned the folly of my ego.

    I made a decision to eliminate negative energy from my life. I don’t fight and I don’t argue on matters of non-importance, especially with the people whom I love deeply.

    Haruki Murakami tells us, “People die all the time. Life is a lot more fragile than we think. So you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets. Fairly, and if possible, sincerely. It’s too easy not to make the effort, and then weep and wring your hands…”

    Ask yourself if you’re living your life in the most meaningful way. What would you regret not doing? What would you do more of? Who would you want to spend time with? You will never get more time in your life, so start to make changes now.

    Live Laugh Love image via Shutterstock

  • Hate Your Job? Change May Be Hard But It’s Worth It

    Hate Your Job? Change May Be Hard But It’s Worth It

    “It’s never the environment; it’s never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events—how we interpret them—that shapes who we are today and who we’ll become tomorrow.” ~Tony Robbins

    How long are we going to put up with lifestyles that kill us before we decide to do something about it?

    It’s no surprise to me that between 70-80% of American workers (depending on the source) dislike their jobs. I was part of that statistic until the disappointment got the better of me and I had no choice but to leave it all behind.

    Things were off to a great start; at least, they were for two months after my wedding. The week after Thanksgiving my boss came in after my shift and gave me the news that I was being laid-off without severance, effective immediately.

    This was shocking, and given the nature of the situation, I was angry, disappointed, stressed, sad, and anxious. Considering that my boss was a close family friend, I also felt betrayed.

    I didn’t want to go home and give the news to my family, so I did the only thing I could think of—I sat in an empty parking lot and cried for two hours.

    All of my problems were directly related to the stress of not having an income. So many thoughts ran through my head during those two hours, like the vision of being in a homeless rut and never getting out of it.

    I was in a state of panic, and sitting alone for two hours was not a good decision for my mental health.

    After a long discussion with my wife, we were able to calmly rationalize the situation and create a plan. It turns out everything was going to work out just fine. It had to—there was no other option.

    After three months of rigorous job-hunting, I got an offer for a new job for a major security corporation. This time it was in IT (tech support), so I could put my degree to good. My pay doubled and I had access to benefits, which I did not have at my previous job. It turns out that getting laid off actually worked to my benefit.

    My job started to lose its appeal around six months. I was beginning to notice the flaws within the company, the lack of good management and training, the politics that come with corporate jobs, and all of the drama between different levels of management.

    I was quick to find that tech support was not for me. However, like my last job, I could not leave because I was a slave to the money.

    Two years went by. My job had its “up moments” but for the most part it was a routine grind, Monday through Friday.

    Corporate masters diminished my genuine passion for helping people by telling me exactly how I should be helping people, despite the actual problem being that our product was terrible and we had no control over that.

    I survived three layoffs during those two years but the fear was there. My team was constantly told that we need to prove ourselves if we wanted to survive cuts.

    After two years I could say I officially hated my job. After three years it started to affect my health, physically and mentally.

    My depression and anxiety medications were increased three times since starting at the job. I had reached the maximum dosage available and was still experiencing severe depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

    A lot of workers have the mindset that “Mondays suck” and that it’s perfectly normal to suffer through a week-long grind, because the weekend is where all of our troubles go away and we get to have fun. At this point in my job I didn’t even look forward to the weekends.

    I spent the entire weekend stressing about having to go back to the office on Monday and resume the routine battle with my suicidal thoughts.

    I woke up one day with a migraine and cold sweats. “Just a bug,” I thought to myself, so I went to work that day only to give up after one hour. My boss expressed his concerns and told me that my job was in jeopardy. We discussed the option of going on an unpaid medical leave due to my health issues. I agreed to look into it.

    I took the rest of that day off and my wife came to pick me up. We sat in the parking lot of a local grocery store talking about my symptoms.

    My migraine was still intense and my body soaked with sweat. We called the doctor and I described my symptoms, or rather a lack of other symptoms. The nurse listed off all of the usual symptoms from WebMD, trying to diagnose what physical ailment I was experiencing, only to come up empty handed.

    Then the nurse told me to go to the emergency room. We were already $10,000 in medical debt (even with the best health insurance available), and we all know that the hospital will just give you some $100 Tylenol and send you home, so my wife and I agreed not to go; instead, we talked about my job.

    We talked about how medical leave was temporary and I would still have to go back to my job in a few weeks. The stress at this point was overwhelming, but she was extremely supportive and also concerned for my health.

    I finally built up the courage and said, “I don’t want to go back to that office.” She not only supported my statement but also agreed with me.

    We had both talked about finances for several months leading up to that point. We talked about what we’d do if one of us lost our job, and we agreed we would be okay for a while, so our planning helped this decision. It was at this point I decided that I wasn’t going back to that job.

    An interesting thing happened: Less than one hour after making this decision my headache went away and my cold sweats completely diminished. Not only was I feeling better, but I also felt alive.

    The stress of losing medical benefits and having a lower income was infinitesimal compared to the amazing freedom and positivity that I felt at this point. Once we got home I decided to go for a walk in the sun. This was the first time I had gone for a walk in over three years.

    The entire time walking, I reflected on my life, my potential, and my future. After that I started to re-invest my time into studying personal development and lifestyle design. As the weeks went on, I wasn’t just motivated and driven; I was alive.

    In that time I did a lot of writing and personal development. I worked on myself, discovering my passion and my core values, and committed to massive lifestyle change. I woke up with a drive to be productive.

    When I see people struggle with their lives, jobs, or relationships, it brings me back to those stressful times of feeling like there’s nothing more to life and it makes me want to help others realize how important it is to take charge and make a change.

    Whether you’re unhappy with your job, health, relationships, or life in general, you can’t wait for it to change on its own. You need to take action and change it yourself.

    You shouldn’t necessarily make sudden decisions without a plan, but you need to get something moving. Make the change happen before it’s too late and you end up severely ill, or worse. Nobody deserves to hate their lives, and if that’s you then you need to open yourself up to some major changes.

    Not all of us have the ability to just get up and leave our jobs. I am fortunate enough to have a loving and hard working wife, but not everyone has the financial or emotional support to suddenly change their lives. So what do you do?

    The most important thing you can do right now is start planning. Think of what you need in order to make that big change in your life. Write a list or draw a picture, just get that vision down and start planning. When you have a goal set, that is when you can start taking the steps needed to achieve it.

    You might have to take baby steps like saving a few dollars every paycheck, working another part time job, or studying to gain a new skill for that better job. Whatever it is, write it down and think about the different steps you can start taking to bring you a little bit closer to making that big change.

    Will it be hard? Possibly. But what would be harder—trying to create something different, or living the rest of your life feeling trapped and miserable?

    It might take a year, two years or more to see significant change in your life, but don’t let that stop you from starting. A year or two will go by whether you make a change or not—you’ll be far happier down the road if you make the effort in the present to work toward a different future.

  • Overcoming Shame When You Took a Risk and It Didn’t Work Out

    Overcoming Shame When You Took a Risk and It Didn’t Work Out

    “Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.” ~Jack Kerouac

    There was no denying it. I had reached a dead-end. A year and a half spent living in a southern town that was simply too small for me; it was time to go. I needed a city, preferably a large one filled with numerous opportunities for a budding young writer.

    Ironically, the very day it dawned on me that it was time to move to a metropolitan area, love summoned me. It shouted to me from thousands of miles away, beckoning me to change the course of my travels.

    My long distance/Californian boyfriend, the one I designated the great love of my life, declared that he wanted to move in with me—to the very place I had deemed to be a dead-end. He was sick of his hometown. He wanted to come to mine so we could finally be together.

    I knew I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I had to make a choice. A city would wait for me; I wasn’t so sure love would.

    It took only two months of us living together in Deadendsville for him to suggest that we move. I was hoping he would maybe say Chicago or Boston or New York. Instead, he shocked me by saying he wanted to return to his suburban hometown in Northern California.

    I knew he wouldn’t go with me to a big city. He had made up his mind. He wanted me to follow him so he could teach me to surf, so we could camp at Big Sur, so we could have our tanned bodies tangled together every night.

    A more sensible person might have ignored such a romantic request, favoring sanity and security over things like sunshine, pheromones, and fun. But I, in my reckless abandonment of all that could potentially shield me from making a poor decision, refused to be sensible. I wanted (more than anything) to be true to my wild heart, which in that moment meant chasing after him.

    Like magic, the dead end disappeared and I found myself hurtling at 80 mph across the country toward California. I had no plan. No job lined up. No friends. Heck, I had never even been to the state of California, but there I was, road tripping on some lonely desert highway, pledging my allegiance to the west.

    At twenty-eight years old, I knew what was expected of me. I was supposed to be at the very least veering toward adulthood, making responsible decisions, preparing for my future.

    All of my peers were getting engaged, making down payments on houses, building their careers. Meanwhile, I was on a mad adventure, whizzing past cacti and mountains, feasting on chips and guacamole, in awe of my own defiant behavior.

    Sadly, my fiery romance burned out faster than a campfire in a hurricane, which ultimately spelled out all kinds of trouble for me. I had blown through my savings. I had no vehicle for transportation. No clue where the hell I was going. I also had a hole in my heart the size of Texas. I was beyond lost.

    Worst of all, shame swarmed all around me. Loved ones reminding me it was my fault for having such a flimsy plan. My own inner voice reminding me that I should have known better.

    I felt too old to be this naive, this bad at protecting myself. I could barely get out of bed, and yet I still had the energy to shame myself over and over again for the foolish choice I had made.

    Thankfully, my great aunt (whom I barely knew) invited me to stay on her ranch while I licked my wounds in Southern California.

    She too had moved to California in her youth for a love that did not last very long. Apparently, many broken-hearted women in my lineage had sought out comfort in her abode. It’s practically a rite of passage.

    Never once did my aunt say anything about my poor planning or taste in men. All she said was, “So what if you didn’t have a plan and you ran off with some jerk? You had an adventure. You come from a line of very strong women. You will get through this.”

    There it was. Lo and behold, the tiniest taste of the healing elixir my soul was so desperately thirsting for. I vowed to get well again, to build up my strength, to never again let shame bully me into forsaking my heart.

    On the long and winding road to recovering my sense of self-worth, this is what I learned…

    Sometimes, we do stupid stuff. We leap before we look. We make unsafe bets. We throw caution to the wind. We let lust lead the way.

    It is almost guaranteed that when we take those daring leaps, we become students of humility. We learn why skydivers carry parachutes and trapeze artists have safety nets. We come to understand why for better or worse it is smart to set up certain variables that will help cushion our fall.

    And yet, in this great hour of learning, if we forget about the love or the excitement that led us to leap from such great heights, we run the risk of inviting shame into our experience.

    When we do that, we make ourselves vulnerable to all sorts of nasty pathogens that seek to attack our inspiration, our courage, our joy.

    In case you weren’t aware of it, shame is one of fear’s favorite minions. Fear is very impressed by shame’s innate ability to make even the most gifted human being feel like they have nothing to offer.

    Fear and shame have been working together since ancient times, and sadly it does not look like they are going to break contract anytime soon. Together, they create much of the propaganda that has folks like you and me believing that we are the world’s shining examples of failure.

    The minute we allow shame to start broadcasting in our brains, there is no telling what other forces will join fear’s army of oppression. Regret. Guilt. Hatred. Disgust. All of them are sadistic opportunists who have no other way of gaining power than feeding off of yours. Still, it is tempting, isn’t it, to invite these ambassadors of fear to keep us company when we are feeling down and out?

    You must trust that there is nothing pleasant about having your heart raked over the coals. Nor is there anything so wondrous about sitting with your head hung low sputtering out the words “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have” over and over again. It is actually quite dull. Shame, of course, will try to glamorize the whole act of penance.

    Try not to be dismayed by the fact that your thrilling moment of flight was followed by an equally epic fall. So what if the drastic descent blew your self-esteem to bits or fractured the very bones of your dearest relationship? It is not personal. It is not your fault. It is just gravity.

    Give the situation some time to heal. If you get lonely, call upon humor, but leave shame out of the picture. I can assure you, shame has no desire to see you put yourself back together.

    And what about that choir of onlookers that keeps singing the same four words over and over again: We told you so? Tell them it was one hell of a ride. Tell them you would do it all again—broken bones and all.

    Whatever mistake you think you made, whatever wrong turn you might have taken, if it was prompted by the desire to expand your capacity to live fully or love and be loved, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You need not repent for a thing. So quit condemning your heart. It is likely that it has suffered enough.

    Here is the secret that lovers and fools and risk takers and geniuses have been whispering into one another’s ears for centuries: Never listen to the sober ones who refuse to drink from the cup that is inspiration.

    But you, who has gulped your way through life, unafraid to pair the sweet with the sour, you know why you answered the call, though it left you a bit bruised and battered. You know why you chose to move in a direction that was both surprising and intended.

    Hold onto that knowing. Protect it at all costs. Defend it with your sole existence. It is the medicine you must take to remember that embracing a path full of possibility and adventure is nothing to be ashamed of.

  • 6 Ways to Make Dating Less Frustrating

    6 Ways to Make Dating Less Frustrating

    Happy Couple

    “You are strong when you know your weaknesses. You are beautiful when you appreciate your flaws. You are wise when you learn from your mistakes.” ~Unknown

    Social discovery apps and online dating sites provide us with an incredible amount of dating options. It should be easier to find the right person. Ironically, having more options has led to increased impatience and high expectations among those of us searching for love.

    We disregard potential friends and mates at the blink of an eye, often trading them in for the illusory search for the ideal person. I’m guilty of falling into this trap, although I never wanted to admit it. I thought I was above it but I was delusional.

    I directly contributed to everything I couldn’t stand about dating in the 21st century and didn’t even realize it.

    I wasn’t accountable, nor was I wise. I had no idea what I was doing, only because I never took the time to learn the art of dating and to master the art of love.

    I initially read a bunch of self-help books, but that didn’t help me at all. Later, I assumed it was a numbers game and my time would come to get it right. That didn’t work either.

    While at times I’ve held out, looking for the perfect partner, I’ve also rushed into relationships, only to end up in the same place after several months to several years: disillusioned, alone, and picking up the pieces of a relationship that didn’t fulfill me or add much value to my life.  

    Something within me needed to shift, and until I figured out what it was I would continue to repeat the same mistakes.

    While learning to play the guitar, I had some powerful realizations about the romantic relationships in my life.

    These realizations have completely transformed the way I now approach my dating life. No longer do I feel like the stakes are against me, nor do I feel the frustration I felt for years on end.

    1. Enjoy the process.

    When learning to play guitar, I wanted to play multiple songs right away. I couldn’t stand how much my fingers hurt, and everything just felt awkward. I was resisting the reality that learning an instrument takes time, and I’d get upset and impatient whenever I made a mistake.

    Right then and there, I realized that I was preventing myself from having fun. I was far too serious and intense to enjoy myself.

    We don’t need to get it all in one day. That’s not the point. Deepening our relationships is no different. We often equate having fun with having it all right away. We seek intensity and we often get too involved with the other person without knowing anything about them.

    Not only are our expectations unrealistic, we often forget to enjoy the process of letting new connections unfold. Let things progress naturally instead of forcing things and you’ll have a lot more fun.

    2. Take it slowly.

    Oftentimes, the idea of the person is what hooks us, and the reality is what ultimately sends us running. When we move too quickly, we’re apt to overinvest ourselves before we get a chance to see that reality, and end up with hurt feelings.

    In much the same way it takes time to discover how we feel about playing a specific instrument, it takes to discover how we feel about someone new we’re dating.

    The emotional attachment we might feel after an immediate hookup is not the same as love that grows over time.

    Not only is it okay to take the time to let your feelings develop before you get involved, it’ll also allow for a much clearer understanding of how the other person feels about you.

    3. Take breaks.

    Why is it that many of us get so hooked on someone, only to lose interest or see the other person’s true colors several months into the relationship? Why is it that playing an instrument too many hours in one day without any breaks results in burnout?

    Balance is key. It’s important to take a break when we’re learning a new instrument. When it comes to dating, it’s important not to get immediately wrapped up in the other person, no matter how amazing that person seems.

    Give yourself time to process the experience instead of overdosing on the person. Take a step back and to do your own thing so the new relationship doesn’t become your everything. Taking time to yourself is healthy—for you and your new relationship.

    4. Remember, practice makes progress.

    Putting aside time each day to learn the guitar is no different than devoting time each day to be fully present with your partner. If you don’t continue to work at it, neither your relationship nor your playing will progress.

    Whether you’ve been dating for two months or together for two years, your relationship will suffer if you neglect it.

    Check in with yourself to be sure you’re fully listening, not dwelling on what you want from the relationship or mentally rehashing the events of your day. Presence is the key to connection, and that’s what enables a relationship to grow.

    5. Constant tuning is necessary.

    Do the notes sound a bit off-key? What about your relationship? Listen. Both relationships and playing music require you to use your ears. If your guitar sounds out of tune, you address it. The song won’t sound good until it’s back in tune.

    Relationships are no different. Issues can’t be resolved without effort. Listen to your instincts, recognize what isn’t working and why, and communicate so you can figure out what needs to be done to address the issue.

    6. Know that our wounds are our strengths.

    Calluses harden our fingers and allow us to play the guitar more easily. In much the same way, the wounds from our past relationships can help us give love more easily.

    A lot of people use their past hurts as an excuse to shy away from relationships when they are, in fact, strengths. Without the lessons learned, we wouldn’t be able to be better partners than we were.

    —

    Dating doesn’t have to be painful and frustrating. We just need to put in the effort and change our perspective a bit.

    Although wonderful relationships don’t happen overnight, we can still have an amazing time on our journey to love.

    Couple image via Shutterstock

  • Why Dieting Never Works: 4 Reasons to Stop

    Why Dieting Never Works: 4 Reasons to Stop

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    Diets are extremely seductive.

    We get lured in by the promises they make:

    The temptation of a smaller jeans size.

    The possibility of having a beach-ready body.

    The idea that everything would be better if you just weighed ten (or fifteen, or twenty…) pounds less.

    When you’ve overloaded yourself with sweets and feel horrible about your body, it’s easy to get sucked into attempting a diet as a quick-fix to your weight issues.

    In my own life, I struggled with gaining and losing the same sixty pounds for about twelve years. I would start over on Monday, swear off sweets and dessert, and then be knee-deep in a gallon of ice cream by Friday.

    If there was a diet out there, I tried it. Cleanses, detoxes, Paleo, South Beach, Atkins, The Zone Diet, Weight Watchers, and even diet pills.

    Even though I was continually seduced by the promise of weight loss, I never kept it off. I would inevitably end up failing miserably, but would still be seduced by the promise of “well, next time, I’ll really stick with it!”

    So when you’re seduced by the promise of weight loss and tempted to start another diet, let me save you weeks of frustration and tears with what I learned in my twelve years of dieting.

    Here’s why another diet is never the answer:

    Diets fail 100% of the time.

    Diets fail because there is an “on” and an “off.” If you go “on” something, at some point in time you have to go “off” of it. Yes, you may lose weight initially. You may drop a size or two from not eating carbs. But in six months, a year, or five years, has the weight come back?

    No one can sustain the “I’m eating only fruits, vegetables, and chicken” diet forever. When you rigidly restrict what you eat, eventually you’ll get to a point where you give in. This inevitably leads to a slippery downhill slope of overeating and then “starting over” the next day.

    Diets are never successful long term. Failure is built into the very nature of a diet. When you start a food plan, something will come up where you’ll desperately want something not on your diet. And then you feel like a failure because you broke the diet.

    Diets always measure “success” in days, weeks, or months, because the reality is, it never lasts long term.

    Diets set you up to crave even more sweets.

    When you tell a toddler he can’t have the green crayon, what does he immediately want? The green crayon. He throws a temper tantrum if you won’t give him the green crayon. After a while, you get so sick of him screaming about the crayon that you give it to him so he’ll stop his tantrum.

    And so it is with dieting. You tell yourself you can’t have cake, cookies, bread, or chocolate, so what do you think about all day long? The cakes, cookies, bread, and chocolate. You’re consumed with it, you dream about it, and you fantasize about ways you can eat one a piece of cake without having it “count.”

    Your forbidden foods seem to be consuming your thoughts and soon, you’re so sick of fighting an internal battle and thinking about cakes and cookies 24/7 that you give in so all of the fighting stops.

    The nature of something being forbidden means you’re much more likely to want, need, and crave it.

    Diets take you further and further away from learning to listen to your body.

    Diets work in direct opposition to intuitive eating. They’re based on strict rules and foods you can’t eat. There isn’t room to check in with your body, allow your needs/wants to arise, and nourish your body accordingly.

    “Success” is based on adhering to a system that’s prescribed. If there are rules you have to abide by, you can bet that the diet does not encourage listening to your body. Instead of learning how to tap into your body’s own intuition, you only eat what’s on the list of “acceptable” foods.

    Lasting weight loss requires that you are in touch with your body, that you understand what it needs and wants, and that you pay enough attention to yourself that you are aware of how/why you use food. And when you diet, it takes you farther away from listening to your own body’s wisdom.

    Diets create a sense of separation from yourself.

    Because diets operate on strict rules and guidelines, it creates a sense of separation from your body. Your body becomes this “thing” you’re fighting against. You wage war on it, you deprive it, and you punish it.

    The sense of separation grows as you work against your body, attempting to punish it into a place of weight loss.

    A diet is essentially a battle with yourself, and the more you diet, the more the distance you create between you and your body. The way back to hearing your body’s messages is through listening, honoring, and nourishing yourself (which dieting will never do for you!)

    Remember that dieting never brings about the results you truly want. Lasting change begins with awareness, love, and self-compassion as you start to understand your food patterns and behaviors.

  • 5 Ways to Feel Better in Your Body

    5 Ways to Feel Better in Your Body

    Woman raising arms

    “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~Maya Angelou

    We’re bombarded by advertisements that tell us if we’re thin, we’ll love ourselves. If we suddenly look a certain way, all our worries will vanish.

    I’ve always been thin without really having to work at it—well, in my younger days at least.

    Yes, I was skinny, but that didn’t mean I was happy. I was suffering from depression, had terrible skin, and just felt awful in my body.

    Being a “perfect” size is not what will make you happy, because happiness isn’t about how you look or how much you weigh; it’s about how you feel about yourself and how you feel in your own skin.

    One day I went shopping for a wedding dress and I was so depressed afterward that I swallowed most of my prescribed medication.

    All I wanted to do was sleep, and sleep I did.

    When I woke up I was hooked up to tubes and lying in a hospital bed. This was a major wake-up call for me. I was ashamed, and also mortified of how this was going to look.

    Again, I was focusing on other people’s opinion of me, and not enough on how I felt inside.

    After the overdose I knew I could take one of two different roads. I could go back to the way I was without making any changes and hope for the best, or I could take responsibility for where my life was and where I wanted it to go.

    I chose the one leading me to freedom and to feeling good about myself, both inside and out.

    Once I took down the filters and mental shackles that were holding me down, I started to see how good I could feel. It had nothing to do with how I looked, but rather how much love I gave myself.

    Body love has to do with how we feel about ourselves from the inside out.

    How did I get to “better”? A lot of self-healing, dedication, being totally honest with myself about what I required to feel good, and getting real about what my body needed to thrive.

    5 Steps to Feeling Better in Your Body

    1. Forgiveness

    I felt so much shame and guilt because of the things I had done, and these feeling kept me stuck in an unhealthy pattern until I forgave myself.

    I forgave myself for letting myself go, for not believing in myself, for being addicted to foods and habits that brought me down, for not having confidence or knowing my value, and for not using my strengths or working on my weaknesses.

    Guilt and shame bring negative energy and will just keep you stuck. Period!

    Forgiveness helps you let go of the past and enables you to focus on making healthy choices in the present.

    2. Self-love

    Before, I didn’t love or respect myself. No matter how great I looked, I would always find fault. I was putting my value on outside appearances to feel validated. If I didn’t look a certain way, that meant I was unlovable.

    Self-love doesn’t mean you can let yourself go. It means you have enough appreciation and value for yourself to create habits that nourish your soul and your growth.

    We show self-love by what we feed ourselves, by what we choose to say or think about ourselves, and by forgiving ourselves when we slip.

    Without having this sense of respect and appreciation for ourselves, no matter how we look, we will always feel a void.

    3. Self-awareness

    We have so much information coming at us, lots of different views and perspectives. Question everything and become aware of what you need—what your body needs to thrive and what feels good.

    Does it need more movement or more fresh air? If it’s not feeling the way you want it to feel, listen.

    It has nothing to do with trying to look a certain way just because the media says so; it has to do with paying attention to how you’re feeling and being rooted within your body. Our bodies aren’t separate from us; they’re part of us, and we need to pay attention to them.

    A funny thing that happens when you become aware—you care a lot less about other people’s opinions, stop taking on their beliefs as your own, and develop more confidence in yourself.

    4. Self-care

    Back then I didn’t know food affected my moods, so my diet consisted mostly of fast food and junk food. I wasn’t taking care of my body by working out, nor was I paying attention to my emotional needs.

    Our bodies give us signals to let us know what they need. We may feel tired or sluggish when we need more sleep or water. We may get headaches or light-headedness when we need a stress-relieving practice, like yoga or meditation. Until we pay attention and work with them, we’ll always feel an imbalance.

    5. Consistency

    It’s not what we do once in a while that brings change, but what we do consistently—day in and day out, when we feel like it and especially when we don’t.

    I grew up on junk food; this was a tough habit to break. It was the consistency of me eating healthy every day that made the cravings go away, so much that it turns me off to even smell junk food now. This wasn’t deprivation; this was pushing through my short-term resistance so I could feel better in the long term.

    —

    Instead of focusing on being a certain weight, let’s focus on real health, inside and out. Chances are when you’re living an intentional life, and feeling happier and better in your skin, owning a scale won’t even be on your radar!

    Woman raising arms image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be Your Own Hero When Faced With a Hopeless Challenge

    How to Be Your Own Hero When Faced With a Hopeless Challenge

    Superhero

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Can you remember a time when you felt completely helpless?

    I do. It was the day my daughter was diagnosed with a serious digestive illness. The doctor told us in the hospital chapel, and he acted like it was a death sentence. His one and only solution was to hand us sets of harsh prescriptions.

    I was in shock, and I knew deep down that something just didn’t add up. Her symptoms hadn’t even been that severe, although she had lost a significant amount of weight. What was happening to my little girl?

    I turned to some of the most highly respected specialists, hoping to stumble upon one who was willing and able to think outside the prescription pad. Instead, the best any of them could do was offer a pill of a different color.

    At that point, doctors seemed more like villains than the heroes I was hoping for. So, I took matters into my own hands.

    The journey was long, and we had many ups and downs. With every step forward, we had to take a step back. I became concerned that my daughter would never lead a normal life, but we kept going and never gave up.

    Then, something amazing happened. After four long years, we finally found the missing piece of her complicated health puzzle. Not only did our persistence and determination pay off, but my daughter got her life back! Her digestive system had healed, and the future was bright once again.

    It was a true miracle.

    After that experience, I realized that I could overcome almost any obstacle, as long as I set my mind to it. Now I know that no matter how unbearable or hopeless a situation may initially seem, I have the power to do something about it.

    You do, too.

    Here’s how to unleash your inner superhero, if and when you’re faced with a serious challenge of your own.

    1. Act like a sea star, not a wounded bird.

    While a wounded bird usually can’t heal on its own, a sea star regenerates its own limbs. It doesn’t have to wait for another sea star, or a human, to come to the rescue.

    Doctors backed me into a corner when they implied there was no alternative to their short sighted, one-size-fits-all solution. One even accused me of being a bad mom. That’s when I knew that I had to empower myself to help my daughter as best I could.

    The bottom line:

    You don’t always need someone or something else to help you overcome your obstacle. Yes, outside help can be beneficial. But you have the power within you to seek and potentially find solutions to your problem. First, you must acknowledge that you have tremendous power within. Then, and only then, can you take steps to unleash it.

    2. Remember: the world is your oyster.

    Did you know that oysters form pearls as a way to protect themselves from foreign substances, such as sand? Well, you could say that you have “pearls of wisdom” that give you the power to protect yourself and your loved ones.

    It all starts with trusting your gut instincts. If I had ignored mine early on, then I would have missed an important clue that doctors’ advice could be more harmful than helpful to my daughter. And I would not have given myself a chance to connect the many dots that ultimately set her health free.

    The bottom line:

    Listen to your inner voice. Not only is it there to protect you, but it can guide you toward people, places, information, and ideas that can transform your life.

    3. Dive deep into the research.

    Just think about how many expert opinions, and stories of real and imaginary people who have walked in similar shoes, are available in books and online resources. But the best ones are not always easy to find.

    I can’t tell you how many books and articles I’ve read ever since my daughter was diagnosed. Some were helpful; others were not. But there was one book that truly changed, and quite possibly even saved, my daughter’s life. And countless others as well.

    The bottom line:

    To become your own hero, go above and beyond surface level information. Reading the right book or article can not only relieve stress, but also provide you with valuable guidance that you probably won’t find anywhere else.

    4. Avoid becoming overwhelmed.

    On the other hand, so much information is available these days that exposing yourself to too much of it can actually work against you. Confusion can lead to indecision, which can easily prevent you from moving forward.

    I caught myself going down the rabbit hole many times during those four years. Eventually, I learned to nip it in the bud, using simple stress-reduction techniques. I would practice deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, cook, or write. The time away allowed me to see things with a fresh perspective.

    The bottom line:

    Stress relief is crucial during challenging times, and especially when negative thinking patterns set in. Try different techniques, and set aside time for them every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes. The mental break will do you good, so don’t feel guilty taking it.

    5. Learn from your mistakes. (We all make them!)

    While every decision and action may seem like a monumental task, in reality, you will likely go through a lot of trial and error before you find a complete solution. Be patient with yourself.

    During our four-year journey, I made decisions based upon the limited information I had at the time. Nothing was ever clear-cut. I moved forward, knowing I’d make mistakes. And in the end, those mistakes allowed me to connect important dots and make the necessary adjustments.

    The bottom line:

    Do not strive for perfection. Learn from mistakes and move on. Fully immerse yourself in the journey, without allowing fear to paralyze you along the way.

    6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    Sometimes, life can get so challenging that we isolate ourselves. And while a certain amount of alone time can be transformative, you should find a source of emotional support as well.

    This was a tough one for me since most of my friends and family members just didn’t understand what I was going through, and seeing my daughter experience the same thing at such an awkward age was heartbreaking. But I got a lot of support from a handful of people, including some forward-thinking health care providers. I couldn’t have gotten through those four years without their help.

    The bottom line:

    Do what you need to do on your own, but don’t be afraid to ask for personal and/or professional support. Seek out people who lift you up, rather than pull you down.

    7. Make gratitude a daily habit.

    When you stop and think about everything you have to be thankful for, the situation seems a lot less bleak. A little gratitude can go a long way. And true hero power cannot be unleashed without it!

    It was my gratitude for having been blessed with such a wonderful family that fueled my every action during our four-year journey. I was reminded of it every day, when I looked at my two beautiful children. At times, I felt like a lion protecting her cub. Love motivated me from the core of my soul, each and every day.

    The bottom line:

    Every day, count on one hand five good things that are happening in your life. May they remind you of the five arms of a sea star. Jot them down in a journal, so you can revisit them anytime.

    —

    Do you believe you can become your own hero?

    It’s not as hard as you might think.

    And you don’t have to risk your life to do so.

    Looking back on my experience with my daughter, it wasn’t any one grand, heroic gesture that turned her life around. It was small, consistent actions taken by both of us that ultimately got us where we needed to go.

    It was our faith in a positive outcome, even when the path was unclear.

    So, if and when life ever throws you a hopeless challenge, know that you can face it head on and make it through to the other side.

    All you have to do is have faith in yourself, and make the decision to try.

    Because no matter how difficult a situation may be and how helpless you may initially feel, there’s always hope. Even if you’ve hit rock bottom and have lost all faith in many of the people around you, the one person you can always count on is you.

    As a true American hero, Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.”

    If you believe in yourself, there’s nothing you can’t do!

    Superhero image via Shutterstock

  • Life’s Greatest Miracles Often Come Disguised as Hardship

    Life’s Greatest Miracles Often Come Disguised as Hardship

    Colorful Umbrella in the Rain

    “Out of difficulties grow miracles.” ~Jean dela Bruyere

    The image in my mind is vivid, like an old photograph etched into my brain, where every facet is clearly discernible.

    It was a frigid, blustery December night, right before my son’s seventh birthday. The heating unit had gone on the blitz, and the house was so freezing it seemed as though ice crystals would form on the inside of our windows.

    Grabbing as many blankets as possible, I wanted to envelope my son with covers, hoping he would feel safe and warm in the cocoon. Time for bed, I reassured him that all would be fine despite the bitter cold, and to have sweet dreams of sweltering, sunny summer.

    He then uttered a sound that I’ll never forget: “Da-ye.”

    I screamed for my wife, needing a witness to convince me that the frosty air had not played tricks on my brain or ears. She ran upstairs in great haste, anticipating some dire emergency that required her immediate attention.

    I relayed what had just transpired. One minute later, my son uttered the sweet sound again, “Da-ye.”

    My wife started crying—and not because she wanted his first word to be “Mom” or some close variation.

    Tears cascaded down her face because we were told our son would never speak. And at this moment, it was difficult for me to even speak as I was overwhelmed by the unbridled joy that overflowed my heart.

    My wonderful son, Scott, had just given us a gift, a blessing and miracle that was never supposed to be. He’d just uttered his first word, and we anticipated more words to come.

    At about two and a half years old, Scott was diagnosed on the autism spectrum.

    The diagnosis was so grim that we were told that our son would never be able to be functionally independent. Worse, according to the neurodevelopmental specialist, he would not be able to perform even the most rudimentary tasks, or achieve any milestones, like the ability to speak.

    The dire prognosis was unfathomable, and devoid of the slightest compassion: “You better get him ready for an institution because that’s where he is going.”

    Hurt, bewildered, fearful, and especially defensive, I told the doctor that we’re not buying into his bleak fortuneteller’s reading.

    I explained he does not know our son’s innate abilities, the incredible amount of effort and sacrifice we were prepared to exercise to help our son maximize his potential, or what special treatments or breakthroughs are on the horizon.

    “It’s good you still believe in miracles,” the specialist responded. He had the last word … well, if you don’t count my blasphemous retort, said under my breath.

    That car ride home felt like one of the longest rides we had ever taken. We felt hopeless and aimless, uncertain what direction to take.

    But while I was unsure what protocols to begin, I knew that we had to first have a shift of mindset.

    I reminded my wife (and myself) that Scott was no different now than he was before the doctor’s visit. In addition, I told her that we would use this physician’s words to propel us toward meaningful action, and sustain our efforts even though the road ahead seemed endless.

    We would be thoroughly involved moment to moment, choose to be present-oriented, and let the future take care of itself.

    This, in and of itself, could be deemed a miracle. I had always looked at the glass half-empty, consumed with the outcome of a given endeavor, but always expecting an unfavorable result.

    Now, for my own sanity’s sake, and for Scott’s best interests, I had to transform myself into a much more positive person, believing in limitless possibilities.

    I was not going to be weighed down with what if’s and concerns about tomorrow. Each day would present another opportunity to make the proverbial difference in our son’s life.

    Miraculous observation: Life’s challenges and hardships can actually help us evolve.

    We not only have to think of creative solutions, but we have to cultivate a mindset conducive to overcome barriers. We all have the miraculous capacity to change, and obstacles almost demand a change in perspective and mindset if negativity has been the dominating influence in our lives.

    So for the next four and a half years after that life-changing doctor’s visit, I spoke incessantly to Scott as if he understood me. I remember those early years picking Scott up from school, and engaging in marathon monologues.

    Sure, there were dark days. Pessimism and hopelessness would creep in, and I lost some of these emotional battles at times, but I never stopped fighting to control my own thoughts. (As spiritual writer, Louise Hay, points out: “Change the thoughts and the feelings must go.”)

    But overall, you would not recognize me because of my new uncompromising will, determination, and perseverance. I knew my son would speak one day!

    And years later, my prognostication came true, damned the torpedoes and that neurodevelopmental specialist.

    Whatever you’re going through now, see this as an opportunity to transform your state of mind and develop greater optimism and perseverance. Your challenge can make you bitter or better—the choice is yours.

    Miraculous observation: Small changes can lead to big improvement over time.

    Yes, we were blessed that Scott finally started speaking, but even if that never occurred, we saw other miracles. A boy who had colic exponential one million, and who screamed most of the day, transformed into a very affectionate, happy-go-lucky child—even before gaining the capacity to speak.

    You may be facing trials and tribulations right now. Perhaps the outcome that you desire has not materialized yet. However, can you see any small incremental changes helping the pendulum swing in your favor? Can you envision a happy ending but still focus on the here and now?

    Try to see those tiny miracles as they manifest in your own life, and express gratitude when they surface. By appreciating the small shifts, you’ll be better able to maintain an optimistic mindset, which will help you continually move forward.

    Realize you’re a walking and talking miracle, too, and what you can accomplish can transcend anyone else’s limiting beliefs about you. But the first step to opening your eyes to life’s miracles is to free yourself of your own limiting beliefs. You can stronger than you know, and you can do more than you think.

    Miraculous observation: Challenges give us the opportunity for deep connection.

    We often concentrate our energy and attention on those who have hurt us or disappoint us. We tend to overlook those souls who have been instrumental in guiding and leading us toward our best selves.

    While we were reveling in Scott’s progression, it dawned on me that we were blessed to know people who had made tremendous sacrifices to ensure his optimal growth and development.

    We were surrounded and supported by miraculous angels: We had two devoted, creative, and nurturing therapists who worked with Scott, day in and day out, for years. A preschool director had provided a first-rate education to him, and still, years later, spends an inordinate amount of time offering her healing methodologies.

    In addition, one or two teachers at the public school have differentiated themselves from their colleagues by vesting so much energy to see Scott advance. My mom has also been unwavering in her dedication and support of our family.

    The miracle is that there are people in our lives who care deeply about us, and even make sacrifices to try to help us.

    And the miracle of synchronicity occurs: Such people often come into our lives when we need them most. Everything is timing, and our angels came to the forefront at the perfect moments—almost through divine intervention.

    If you feel alone now and can’t think of anyone who can touch your life in a positive way, please be open to widening your social circle. When you’re ready and open to it, the right people will come into your life.

    Lori Deschene, Founder of Tiny Buddha asserts, “The only way to connect with people is to be willing to remove the distance.” All my life I had distanced myself from others. But after Scott’s diagnosis, I had to form meaningful connections—with therapists, teachers, members of the autism community, etc.

    See the miracle of connection, especially when times get tough.

    Final lesson: We can all handle adversity.

    For me, I see adversity as a hard stone—but one that is penetrable. I see myself blasting right through it.

    Others may envision adversity in a different way, or approach it in a different manner. Regardless of perspective, I realize that adversity does not have to overwhelm us if we keep our wits about us. If we choose not to ruminate on how hard it is, we can instead focus on doing whatever is necessary to free ourselves of its hold.

    My son’s so-called disability has changed me immeasurably.

    I’ve learned the miracles of exceeding others’ limiting beliefs, breaking bad habits, adopting a new and improved mindset and disposition, seeing rainbows when it pours, appreciating distinct moments and the synergy of connection with others, all at the right time, and I’ve developed a never-giving-up spirit come what may.

    I owe so much to my beloved son and the miracles I’ve observed since his birth. It is my fervent hope that you see the miracles that are often camouflaged in hardship.

    Colorful umbrella image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Imposter Syndrome So You Can Thrive and Shine

    Overcoming Imposter Syndrome So You Can Thrive and Shine

    Let Yourself Shine

    “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” ~Marianne Williamson

    I’ve been dreaming about dead bodies again—disposing of dead bodies. Given that I have never actually killed anyone it’s probably a little weird how often this crops up for me. My dream metaphors tend to be blatant and graphic. I think my subconscious mind really wants me to pay attention to them.

    I don’t have recurrent dreams per se, but I do get recurring dream themes. Lately my subconscious has been knocking me over the head with images around hiding things I don’t want others to see (thus the dead bodies) and frantically looking for things that I can’t find.

    Last night three people were impatiently waiting in expectation for me to produce a simple receipt, we all knew exactly where it was supposed to be, but damned if I could find it.

    I used to Google dream interpretations and ask people what they thought it all meant. But I have come to realize that our dreams, and the imagery contained within them, are as individual and personal as we are. And if we really think about it, we know exactly what they are trying to tell us. Sometimes we may not want to know, but the information is always there if we seek it.

    Fears and Doubts

    It’s no coincidence that these images are popping up at a time when I am involved in a new creative project that is beginning to show the light of possible success.

    I know that these dreams are a reflection of my doubts and fears. Fears around exposing myself to judgment, even ridicule, have me spending my nights “burying” aspects of myself. Doubts around losing my creativity have me frantically “searching” for it as I sleep.

    I read the book Fight Club years ago, and it quickly became one of my all time favorites. I love that book. So of course I sought out and read a couple more by the same author. And I hated them. I decided that Chuck Palahniuk only had one good story in him.

    Maybe he has written good books in the meantime—and of course my opinion about it is totally subjective anyway. But for me it reflected, and confirmed, my fears and doubts about my own creativity. That fear cemented in my mind. What if my well of creativity is finite? What if I actually do become successful, and there is nothing left for me to give?

    I don’t really think creativity works that way. It strikes me as more like something that grows and expands the more you use it. Once you take the lid off and let it start flowing, there is no going back. You probably can’t stop it if you tried; it is that powerful a force. (I wish I had discovered that years ago, but apparently I am a very late bloomer.)

    But regardless of our conscious beliefs, our fears can be hard to shake, and often run like gremlins in the background, poking at us from our subconscious, and causing us discomfort.

    Imposter Syndrome

    Many people assume that failure is our biggest fear, and it can look that way. But in reality a bigger fear, for many people, is the fear of success.

    Success is frightening because with it comes expectations, not the least of which is the expectation that that success will continue. We sometimes attribute small successes along the way to being the result of fluke or luck, and fear that we will be “found out” as unable to sustain greater success.

    In both creative and other endeavors, the fear of obtaining a measure of success only to be exposed as unable to maintain whatever it took to get us there, or as unworthy to have obtained it at all, can manifest as imposter syndrome.

    Imposter syndrome—the fear that people will find out that we have been BSing our way through life and really don’t know what the hell we are doing—is, if not universal, at least pervasive.

    Nobel laureate Maya Angelou once said: “I have written eleven books, but each time I think ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’”

    When I think back to my childhood, I looked up to the “grown ups” as the people who had it all together, who knew it all. As I grew up I kept waiting for that feeling to kick in for me—that feeling of being grown up and competent—but it never did.

    At some point I realized that it never would, and I wondered if everyone around me felt the same way I did: that we are really all those same children, just in a grown up bodies, continuing to stumble our way through life.

    While it is enlightening, and somewhat comforting, to realize that others (even Maya Angelou) experience similar fears, it is also a little frightening.

    Invisibility

    One might think that failure is the opposite of success, but in reality I think it is invisibility. Invisibility is comfortable, and safe, but it’s not particularly challenging or inspiring.

    When we come to a point in a given situation where when comfortable just doesn’t cut it anymore, where the fear of remaining stuck and invisible outweighs our fear of success (or failure, exposure, embarrassment, or whatever else is waiting for us in the unknown) we push past that fear and put ourselves “out there.”

    But still our imposter syndrome fears may be there, lurking in the background. Bringing them into our conscious awareness is key to lessening their power over us.

    For me, that often means paying attention to my dreams, especially those that give rise to uncomfortable feelings (as disposing of dead bodies tends to do). Delving into our uncomfortable feelings can be confronting, but there is power in it.

    Worthiness and Shame

    Imposter syndrome, and fears that arise around success and failure, are often manifestations of deep feelings of unworthiness. So our innate and inherent worth is forgotten, and we can be plagued by vague feelings of shame.

    Is it any wonder that many of us fear success? That we fear the exposure of our shame and unworthiness to the world? We sometimes decide that remaining invisible is the better choice, and self-sabotage our efforts.

    But what we fail to realize is that we are born worthy. There is nothing we have to achieve or prove in order to enjoy that worthiness, even if we have allowed our true worth to become buried under a lifetime of perceived mistakes, failures, and self-recrimination.

    We can start now, in this moment, remembering and reclaiming our inherent worth and value. And we can begin to shine our own unique light on the world.

    Fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs tend to thrive in the darkness. By shining a light on them we begin to loosen their hold on us.

    The simple act of acknowledging our fears to ourselves is the first step to challenging them. Going a step further and acknowledging them here, for the world to see, is even more empowering. There is freedom in that. If we have nothing to hide, then perhaps we have nothing to fear.

    Shining spotlight image via Shutterstock