Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Sad girl

    “People aren’t always going to be there for you. That’s why you need to learn to handle things on your own.” ~Unknown

    Anxiety is a box around your mind. It’s the cage in which your deepest worries start to pace, then walk, and gain momentum until they’re out of control.

    Once these worries and scenarios take off and hit the walls of this box, they’re trapped, and tension starts building.

    It can be an exhausting cycle of stress that you might think you have to face alone if you want to avoid opening yourself up to pity or rejection.

    You may think others will judge or stereotype you if they know about your struggle. Or, you might worry that if they do know, they’ll assume you’re either looking for attention or not doing enough to function like everyone else.

    Here’s the kicker: You don’t have to function like everyone else. When you struggle with anxiety, just functioning is something to be proud of.

    The absence of another’s approval or input when progressing can make you feel like you’re not making improvement at all. It’s hard to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack or downturn of emotions, and it can feel lonely when you think you can’t call on anyone, but there are times when self-reliance is your only option.

    Yes, this may happen. It happened to me, and it was my worst-case scenario realized.

    I lost people who I called on too many times for help, and I know I frustrated people by making unhealthy choices solely because I was anxious about the alternative options.

    I felt like a burden on the very people I would help in any way I could, if the situation were reversed.

    Relating to friends became a game of how normal I could act. It’s an extremely difficult way to live.

    Although it can be helpful to open up to someone who can support you, sometimes you need to admit to yourself that, in this moment, you must do it alone.

    Here are a few things that have helped me cope with my anxiety and the disappointments in my relationships.

    1. Recognize that some people won’t be able to be there for you.

    I started out the summer in a close group of my four best friends and ended it with a completely new social group and a long drive to a different country.

    It’s not easy to let go of friends you thought were going to be in your life forever, but it’s often necessary.

    Knowing when to separate is something I struggle with. I constantly think of what I could still have in my life if I had made different choices. But I know I made the right decision for myself. The best friends I look to now understand my struggles and uplift me instead of bringing me down.

    When you grow, the people you surround yourself with may change, but this is the best part of the process. As you meet new people and gain new interests, you’ll find individuals that you’ll connect with on a deeper level than you would simply based on who was in close proximity.

    Allow people to have a temporary presence in your life, and stop weighing yourself down with worry about whether that’s the right choice.

    Trying to maintain relationships that are exhausting or stressful, just because you don’t want to be lonely, will prevent you from finding relationships that provide the support you need.

    2. Forgive yourself.

    Often. Until you’re sure you’ve forgiven every mistake you’ve made and will make in this learning process.

    I often ruminate on possible mistakes I made until they become these catastrophically negative ideas about how others may see me.

    Learning to let go of the past and forgive all of these small slips has had a huge impact on how I am able to deal with daily anxiety. There’s enormous power in realizing that all of these small worries really are just that—small—and very few have an impact on the big picture of your life.

    There are many things I exaggerated in my mind through the past year that I realize, as I regretfully look back, weren’t worth the time I lost being happy.

    Yes, I made mistakes.

    I did things to follow the crowd and swallowed my opinions because I felt too anxious to speak my mind. I held my feelings inside because I worried about upsetting people, and as a result, jeopardized relationships with my family. I jeopardized my health for a few party nights. I called in sick to work because I couldn’t imagine working in such an anxious state.

    I forgave myself for it all.

    Forgiving myself isn’t a way to shirk responsibility for the apologies I should give, but when you’re on your own journey, you can’t depend on others to give you the absolution you’re seeking.

    If you give yourself love, compassion, forgiveness, and support, it will be easier to cope when others don’t offer you these things.

    3. Practice gratitude.

    “Interrupt anxiety with gratitude.”

    This quote has helped me more than any counselor or antidepressant has in the past.

    Anxiety causes the scenarios in my mind to become disaster scenes within moments. I might be thinking about an interview or an event I have to attend, or even simply a friend I have to meet, and instantaneously become worried sick about what could go wrong.

    Once again, starting small helped me work through my daily anxiety without another’s support.

    It really is about the little things in life.

    At first, I was grateful for the fact that the tap water I used to wash my hands wasn’t freezing cold on a winter day. I was grateful for my tea still being hot when I got to school. I was grateful that my hair wasn’t frizzy.

    But soon, it grew into more than that. It became “I’m grateful I have an interview to go to because it’s the possibility of a job.” It was “I’m grateful that I have an event to go to because it means people want me to be there,” and, “I’m glad I have to meet this person because I enjoy their mindset.”

    It healed “I’m worried you don’t love me” into “I’m so grateful that you are in my life.”

    Gratitude for the present moment allows anxiety to fall to the wayside. You choose to honor the positive possibilities rather than obsess over the chance of a negative outcome.

    —

    Through all of the trials anxiety will put you through, remember that your journey is your own. Yes, it’s helpful to have support, and we all deserve it. But you can choose to help yourself whether others do or not. So do it. Function. Happily. Independently. And confidently on your own terms.

  • How to Move Through Anxiety: A 5-Step Process for Feeling Unfelt Emotions

    How to Move Through Anxiety: A 5-Step Process for Feeling Unfelt Emotions

    “Anxiety happens when you try to think what you need to feel.” ~Unknown

    Anxiety results from unfelt feelings. I battled anxiety for years because I was scared to admit that I was scared. When I felt a wave of anxiety, I would harden myself like a concrete pillar and refuse to be moved. I thought this made me strong, but it halted my emotional progress.

    I didn’t have anxiety until my last major breakup four years ago. I was ashamed to consider myself weak, so I hid the pain in the back of my mind like skeletons in a closest.

    When I ignored the skeletons knocking on my door, they turned into ghosts. And when the ghosts howled in the night, I’d pretend it was the wind through the trees. I had many clever responses to anxiety, but I always remained unchanged and unmoved.

    When Michelle entered my life, all of the invisible forces I had battled turned into a human being. And I began to love her.

    Michelle was too beautiful to hide from and too sweet to rationally be afraid of. She was also the first woman I had gotten to know well since my last big breakup.

    We played volleyball together, we hiked, and we went out with friends. She loved how I challenged her to think for herself, and I loved the opportunity to practice what I preach. We spent a ton of time together.

    Before I knew it, Michelle became dear to me. She even helped me overcome my anxiety.

    The Transformation

    Last night Michelle and I expressed strong feelings about our growing friendship. It was extremely vulnerable for me because I had spent the last four years single and focusing on the relationship with myself. But it was something I’d secretly hoped for.

    When I relaxed into bed after our three-hour conversation, I felt that dreaded wall of anxiety. Every emotion surrounding my failed relationships hit me like a ton of bricks, and suddenly I had fear about falling in love with my friend.

    My first thoughts were “Oh s*&$! Why am I feeling like this?!”

    I bolted upright and wanted to run. I wanted to do anything but acknowledge my feelings. But I realized that I couldn’t be afraid of this sweet girl, and I couldn’t regret being close with her.

    So I did something different.

    I sat with my feelings and identified them. I was scared. And instead of becoming consumed by anxiety, I repeated aloud that I was scared, almost like a mantra.

    And I wept.

    I wept for fifteen minutes and transformed that wave of anxiety into a fully felt feeling.

    As I cried, I felt okay to be scared. I thought of the way my other relationships ended, and how hard I have worked to build lasting love. I allowed myself to experience the grief of former heartaches, and the uncertainty of new love.

    In the tears I felt an active transformation. I was healed through my emotions.

    Instead of giving into fear, I felt grateful for the opportunity to put into practice all the things I had learned about relationships. And I felt confident in being able to make mistakes on the road to unconditional love. Acknowledging and experiencing my true emotions made all the difference.

    I used anxiety to heal myself.

    If you’ve battled anxiety, there may be important emotions you haven’t allowed yourself to feel. Here are five tips to help you heal.

    1. Identify the feeling of anxiety.

    Anxiety is a powerful signal feeling for deeper and more specific feelings such as anger, sadness, jealousy, and embarrassment. Identifying the feeling is the first step to letting it go. Brain scans actually show that verbalizing negative emotions calms the brain’s emotion center and helps us release those feelings.

    So, as I did, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling like this? What’s really bothering me?”

    2. Stand your ground.

    The feeling of anxiety can make you want to run away mentally and physically. I shot straight up in my bed and was prepared to get up and move, but then I made the important decision to sit with the feeling.

    I repeated the question “Why am I feeling like this?” until I had a concrete answer. I was really, really scared. And when I recognized the cause of anxiety, I felt empowered to sit with the feeling—to stand my ground.

    You can too.

    3. Repeat your feelings.

    Aloud, preferably. Hearing your own voice declaring the reality of your emotions is empowering like nothing else. Since anxiety feeds on silence and the unknown, declare your feelings aloud to dissolve it.

    This step will give you the courage to be vulnerable, and to fully experience the emotion that needs to be felt.

    4. Hold yourself.

    Since being vulnerable takes so much courage, you need all the encouragement you can get. Holding yourself is the best way to show that you’re in it for the long haul—that you’ll be by your side no matter what. It will give you the strength to fully open up to your emotional experience.

    Retreat to a quiet space and hold yourself. Rock yourself. Tap your chest gently and repeat your feelings aloud.

    5. Let the emotion flow through your body.

    After all these steps you’ll be ready to experience and release the emotions that weighed on your spirit.

    Repressed emotions are actually toxic to your body. And when you leave them inside, they stagnate and promote sickness of your entire being. So let the emotions flow.

    Emotion comes from the Latin root “Emovere,” which means to move through.

    You may feel your stomach clench and your chest heave. This is your body finally processing unfelt feelings and moving them outside through your tears. Allow the physical process to take course. Assist it. And feel gratitude wash over you along with the tears.

    In many cases, simply feeling your feelings is enough to let them go. Other times, your emotions may point you toward an unmet need. For example, if you recognize anger underneath your anxiety, you may need to set firmer boundaries. In this way, anxiety can be a gift, since it helps you recognize what you need to do to take good care of yourself.

    —

    The feeling of anxiety, once confronted with courage, helps you to reconnect with feelings that need to be felt. By standing your ground and experiencing your root emotions, anxiety will help you grow into the courageous and balanced person you were born to be.

    Feel the pain. Feel the sorrow. Feel the grief. Whatever feeling it is, let yourself move through it and learn from it so you can let it go.

  • Whose Mind Is It Anyway? Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Life (Giveaway!)

    Whose Mind Is It Anyway? Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Life (Giveaway!)

    Whose Mind Is It Anyway CoverNote – This winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are:

    • Stephanie
    • Kait Husmann

    A few years back, Tiny Buddha contributor Lisa Esile wrote a post about negative thinking that was incredibly eye opening.

    Titled 3 Reasons to Stop Worrying About Your Negative Thoughts, her post suggested that instead of trying to suppress negative thoughts or replace them with positive ones—as conventional wisdom suggests—we should observe them, choose not to believe them, and let them naturally pass.

    Brilliant, I thought. Don’t feel bad about the thoughts that go through your head (which adds guilt on top of the stress that comes from constant judging, assuming, worrying, plotting, and controlling).

    Instead, create space between you and your thoughts. Stop fighting your mind and start understanding it.

    Stop struggling to let thoughts go and instead, let them be.

    Ah, instant relief.

    I know what you might be thinking: If we don’t listen to our thoughts, how will we know what to do? How will we solve problems? How will we figure out what we want and make a plan to get there?

    Lisa tackles all of this, and more, in her quirky new illustrated book Whose Mind Is It Anyway? Get Out of Your Head and Get into Your Life.

    Co-written by her husband, Franco Esile, Whose Mind Is It Anyway touches upon how our thoughts can drive us crazy, how our beliefs can sabotage us, and how easy it is to find calm—once we stop thinking our way through life.

    It’s a quick read, but don’t let that fool you: Within seven short, fun chapters, Lisa and Franco have succinctly explained how we can not only find peace from our thoughts, but also be at peace with ourselves.

    I’m a huge fan of Lisa’s work, and I couldn’t be more grateful that she sent me a copy of her book and offered two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    Whether you win a copy or choose to grab one today, I recommend keeping it somewhere you’ll see it often and flipping through the pages whenever you’re getting stuck in a web of thoughts.

    Start paying attention to how your mind works and you’ll notice this happens a lot!

    THE GIVEAWAY

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Whose Mind Is It Anyway?:

    • Leave a comment below. You don’t need to write anything lengthy—“count me in!” is more than enough!
    • For en extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment.

    Good luck!

    Want to grab a copy now? You can order Whose Mind Is It Anyway: Get Out of Your Head and Get into Your Life on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 7 Tips to Help You Scale Back on Social Media & Reclaim Your Time

    7 Tips to Help You Scale Back on Social Media & Reclaim Your Time

    Social Media Addiction

    “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” ~Theophrastus

    We’ve all been there.

    We’re supposed to write a paper, send an email, do our job!

    We have deadlines, places to see, people to meet, and yet we find ourselves (for the umpteenth time) perusing our Facebook timeline, scrolling our Instagram feed, or catching up on Twitter updates.

    Whether it’s YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter, we are all experts at self-distraction, and we wonder where all that time goes!

    It’s actually getting a bit scary. Social media addiction is a real thing, and research from the University of Maryland shows that approximately four out of five students experience negative side effects when disconnecting from technology for a day.

    More research has shown that too much social media and smartphone use is affecting our happiness, stunting development in children, and decreasing academic potential in students.

    Social media rehab programs are available now, but like everything I believe we can avoid going to rehab by implementing some simple but necessary practices into our daily lives. Let’s be proactive about curbing our social media use.

    Now, before you get all self-righteous, let me just stop you. I love social media like it’s my job. In fact, it is!

    I am a social media manager and spend much of the day creating content and engaging communities on social platforms. Not to mention spending my free time maintaining my personal social profiles and interacting with friends online.

    Not so long ago, I was not practicing any of the “rules” below, I was constantly online, and my sleep, stress levels, and relationships were the worse for it.

    I had to learn to be disciplined and use the tools available to stay focused and do the work without getting sucked into the proverbial black hole.

    Here’s how!

    7 Social Media Rules

    1. No laptops or cellphones in the bedroom.

    There was a time when I charged my phone beside my bed every night. Checking Facebook or Twitter became the first and last thing I did every day. I did not want to miss that important news tidbit or mention.

    But here’s the thing! It’s really bad for you. The technology itself, the light given off by our screens to be precise, prevents our brains from releasing melatonin, a hormone that tells our bodies it’s nighttime.

    A recent study published last year in the Science Translational Medicine journal found that the amount of caffeine you’d get in a double espresso has a smaller effect on your sleep schedule then the light off of our smartphones and laptops. So while you may not be drinking coffee in the evenings anymore, it turns out your sleep is way worse off because you are using your smartphone in the evenings.

    This means it takes us longer to fall asleep, but science is also showing us that it has more and more negative, and even dangerous long-term effects—not getting enough sleep or only getting poor quality sleep has been linked to obesity, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and an increased risk of certain cancers.

    And guess what, checking Twitter that one last time is not going to change your life or even your next day one little bit!

    Practical Tip: Buy an alarm clock! You do not need to use your smartphone to wake you up every morning.

    2. Create a morning ritual.

    I don’t really care what it looks like, as long as you need to finish it before you get online every morning.

    If you’re really ambitious you might try to “sign on” after you have eaten breakfast, but I know that is unrealistic for a lot of us.

    Other ideas could include: meditation, (or if you are religious, a daily devotional), a work out, or walking your dog.

    Knowing that you cannot access your smartphone or laptop first thing will free your brain up for other things and is a much better start to your day.

    Practical Tip: This practice of creating a ritual can be used at any time throughout the day. For example, you might decide you want to read a book for thirty minutes a day during your lunch break. Leave your smartphone at your desk when you go for lunch.

    Whatever ritual you decide on, make sure you commit to yourself that these “me” moments are smartphone-free.

    3. Social time means NO social media.

    This works if you have a significant other, a roommate, or live at home. If you live alone this is more difficult, but there are still practical applications.

    My wife and I have a rule: When we are spending time together, whether that is on the couch reading, at the table eating, or in front of the TV, our phones and computers are not allowed. This can be applied when you meet friends for a drink or to watch sports.

    Practical Tip: You might want to keep your chargers in a room that you aren’t often in, that way when your smartphone needs a charge it has to leave the room. You would be surprised what happens, out of sight, out of mind!

    4. Get a watch.

    This one is dead simple! I actually have to thank my wonderful wife for this particular tip. For her birthday this year she asked for a watch; that way she could stop needing to use her phone to check the time.

    Not only is a watch a stylish, fashion accessory that not many people use anymore, but it actually works to reduce smartphone (and social media) use. So many of us use our smartphones as our alarm clock (direct violation of rule 1), we check it to make sure we catch the bus on time or to count down the minutes in our class.

    Just because our smartphones have the ability to do something doesn’t mean we should rely on them for it.

    Practical Tip: Reduce your reliance on your smartphone for things you need (like knowing the time) and you will check social media less.

    5. Take tech breaks.

    Use a stopwatch during the day. After you have checked your social profiles and have caught up on emails, set it for fifteen minutes and then turn your phone off.

    This is what Dr. Larry D. Rosen of California State University suggest continuing this until we don’t feel the need to constantly check in. Dr. Rosen is a Professor of Psychology, author of iDisorder, and one of the world’s experts in the “Psychology of Technology.”

    “Increase your tech break by five minutes every week or so, and soon you will be able to not check in for an hour or more without getting anxious about what you may have missed,” Rosen advises. “It also trains your friends, family and colleagues to not expect that immediate Pavlovian response!”

    6. Turn off notifications.

    Social notifications are the enemy of everything this post is trying to achieve. If your smartphone pings, vibrates, lights up, or does a dance every time you get a new follower or “like,” then it is distracting you from whatever you may be doing at the time, whether you check it or not!

    In the last sixteen years, the average attention span of humans has dropped from twelve to eight seconds. We now have a shorter attention span than a goldfish. The age of social media and smartphones has resulted in hyperactive attention spans that can’t rival our pets!

    Practical Tip: Turn off Facebook and Twitter notifications on your laptop and smartphone. I guarantee you that you’ll still check your profiles often enough that you do not have to worry about giving your followers timely responses, and this way you can stay focused and in the moment.

    7. You can’t do it alone.

    It is not weakness to fail; after all, the science shows that social media is addictive. So don’t rely solely you’re your own will power to accomplish the above.

    There are multiple apps now which block social media sites, apps and other time-wasting online activity of your choosing. For Apple users you can even block websites on iPads or iPhones via Settings à General à Restrictions and then pick which apps or websites you would like to block.

    Other softwares that can help us battle our need for social media “hits” include:

    Unfortunately, this is only relevant to Google Chrome users, but this app has been a game changer for me and my fight to stay productive.

    Basically it allows you to limit the daily time you spend on any website. I allow ten minutes daily on Facebook. You would be astonished at how long ten minutes on a social media platform actually is.

    At the beginning, I ran out of time before lunch, which freed my mind and time up for more productive and often more important things. Now, I never even reach my ten-minute limit. I have realized how little I need to check Facebook on a daily basis.

    The great thing about this app is that you can dictate how long your daily limit is, which particular sites that you limit and then it will warn you as you near your limit on said sites. Try it out, it might surprise you.

    A Challenge

    I wanted to leave you with a bonus thought that may be completely unrealistic but at least will give you something to think about before you go off to check Facebook. Smartphones are the biggest facilitator of our addiction to social media.

    A report from Informate Mobile Intelligence found that people in the U.S. check their social media accounts seventeen times a day. That’s at least once every waking hour, and American’s are not even close to the biggest culprit.

    Smartphone users in Asia and South America checked social media at least forty times a day. Generation Z might be the most unsettling trend. Some teenagers in the U.S. check their social media feeds more than 100 times a day.

    I don’t know about you, but even while writing this I find myself getting all defensive about my smartphone use. I tell myself I need it for work, or that I will lose touch with my friends, or even that my social presence will suffer for it.

    But the fact is, they are all lies. People had thriving careers and social lives long before smartphones. And as for my social media presence, if it is that important to me I will make it work via my laptop or tablet. But the fact is we don’t need to be connected 24/7.

    I know it is very counter culture and a scary thought, but I challenge you to at least think about whether you need your smartphone. The process of thinking about it will make the rest of the “rules” listed above seem way more important, and even doable, and surely that is worth it.

    Go Out and Live

    Yes, we have all been there.

    But it doesn’t mean we have to stay there. Life is more than RTs and Likes, even if it is your job.

    Your home should always be a refuge and a place where you can unplug, at least a little.

    Since I have been using these rules in my life, I got married and have a happy, healthy relationship with my wife, I read more, I work out regularly, and I have started a personal yoga practice. All things which I can attribute, in part, to not being so plugged in at home.

    You are going to mess up! Heck, while writing this article I must have checked my smartphone a dozen times. But using the above household rituals and rules will make sure that your life revolves less around social media then it once did.

    Try the above suggestions for a week, and I promise that you will notice a difference!

  • 5 Ways to Show Your Love to Others (and Yourself)

    5 Ways to Show Your Love to Others (and Yourself)

    “Love isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” ~Steven Hayes

    Things go wrong in life. Distress and confusion can take root, sometimes leading to harsh self-criticism, depression, or anxiety.

    We sense that love heals, and it does.

    I once visited an orphanage for abandoned infants, and every toddler who I carried clung tightly to me. I can still feel their little arms clasping me desperately.

    We crave love as we crave oxygen.

    But what is love?

    Is it something you wait for?

    What if love is more than a feeling?

    What if your choices and actions can bring the spirit of love to life?

    Love has many shades and nuances. Here are some forms of love that you can start creating today.

    Love as patience

    I used to be obsessed with outcomes. A perfectionist intolerant of failure, I was constantly trying to prove my worth. This made me unpleasant to others, and to myself.

    One day our little son was running around noisily while I tried to concentrate. Irritated, I put an arm out and he crashed into it. He started crying, and I felt deep shame.

    I resolved to change. I’d been sacrificing what made life worth living: relationships, health, talents, and even family happiness. I’d been neglecting everything and everyone, including myself, in my headlong rush toward outcomes and goals.

    What’s the alternative to focusing on outcomes and neglecting others? Patience. Patience expresses love by treating every individual as priceless, not just an aid or obstacle to some goal.

    Patience embraces more than outcomes. It empowers you to enjoy the journey of life instead of disregarding what makes your life worth living as you rush toward your latest destination. It attracts friends for the journey, improving work, play, and all of life.

    Patience with your own mistakes gives you a chance to heal and learn. Mistakes are not seen as confirmation of worthlessness.

    Importantly, patience allows you to be more fully present in the moment. That’s great for your relationships, your well-being, and your brain, according to scientific research. A more patient life reduces the sense of being overwhelmed or confused.

    Patience brings love to life and makes all aspects of life go better.

    Love as kindness

    When my father fell seriously ill, I needed an airline ticket urgently. He’d been in perfect health and wasn’t very old. I was desperate to reach him quickly.

    I picked up the phone. The first lady I spoke to made it her personal mission to get me there.

    “Get to the airport as quickly as you can,” she said.

    I was put on a plane within hours. I reached his bedside, held his hand, and sang to him softly. He died hours later.

    I’ll never forget that lady’s kindness.

    Even less dramatic acts of kindness can powerfully express love, such as listening to someone who needs a sympathetic ear.

    A swiftly flowing river can have a calm surface, even as it grinds the rough edges off rocks. Kindness is like that. It calmly smooths out the rough patches in life and helps lubricate friction between people.

    In the heat of an argument, kindness can heal with the “soft answer that turns away wrath,” as the proverb reads. Once the temperature is lowered, it’s easier to explore sensible solutions.

    Even if everything goes wrong in life, you can still express kindness to yourself and others. You remain powerful as a source of love. Kindness displaces rudeness, harsh self-criticism, anger, and resentment.

    Cultivate more kindness, to yourself and others, and experience how the darker parts of life become illuminated by love.

    Love as delight in others’ successes

    When I measured success in dollars, I often grew envious of others. Why did someone else have more money, a nicer house, more stuff, better looks, more exotic vacations, a happier family, and healthier parents? I became a restless comparer.

    Once I cultivated a stronger sense of my uniqueness and worth, I started appreciating other people’s success. Each of us was on our unique path, and it would be nice if we all enjoyed the journey.

    Love as delight in others’ successes attracts friends. It breeds joy.

    Long ago, I visited an elderly uncle for my vacation. News arrived that I’d passed a university exam. He bought firecrackers and set them off in celebration, even though he’d never been to university.

    I was embarrassed by the noisy fuss, which alerted the neighbors, but it opened my eyes to how very much he loved me.

    Try developing a stronger sense of your uniqueness and core values, and you’ll more easily celebrate others’ successes. The bitterness of envy will gradually give way to more peace of mind and warmer relationships.

    Love as humility

    I once saw an orchestra and chorus perform Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. It was awesome, with hundreds of musicians performing as one. But the human body has trillions of cells working in harmony.

    It took billions of years and gazillions of molecules for the first human being to emerge. Yet we often have greater awe for the trinkets and baubles that a human being possesses than for the person.

    Instead of being grateful for eyes, liver, brain, and other miracles of biology, we feel entitled to all that and more. A sense of entitlement suppresses our gratitude.

    Further, if I boast about having a bigger house than someone else, then I imply that I’m inferior to someone with an even bigger house. It’s the same for any of my boasts. But the emergence of human beings is so awe-inspiring that appearance, fashion, houses, cars, and other stuff all pale by comparison.

    Boasting can temporarily quell my insecurity, but it still brings me one step nearer to feeling inadequate. It’s as if I’m ashamed of my unadorned self. Boasting also tends to repel others.

    For years, I would gloss over my faults because I felt insecure and needed to maintain a veneer of perfection. Now I’m quicker to admit my faults, seeing myself as a life-long learner. I’m also slower to judge others and quicker to forgive, since we’re all imperfect and still learning.

    Love as humility implies deep respect for the intrinsic worth of every human being. Deep respect for every individual, regardless of their status, helps banish feelings of inadequacy, encourages forgiveness, reduces a feeling of entitlement, and boosts gratitude.

    Humility brings love to life.

    Love as empathy

    We would incubate eggs and hatch tiny chicks at home. Our little daughter adopted one. This chicken would run and jump into her arms.

    Our daughter once tried to feed her chicken some bread. The chicken choked, and died within minutes.

    We comforted her, reminding her that she didn’t knowingly do harm, and that we understood her feelings of grief and guilt. We held a funeral ceremony, lovingly burying the chicken in the garden. Love, as empathizing, can bring comfort to a relationship or home.

    Stepping into the shoes of another is the powerful first step to serving them. This is true of customers too. Love, as empathizing and service, is at the heart of successful businesses.

    I know a middle-aged executive in a tech company who spends most of her time in an office. When asked what she does, she says she helps people to enjoy life more. She’s referring to the software which her company markets.

    Empathy can transform your work. Instead of being just a wage slave, you can express love through empathizing with, and serving, your company’s customers.

    Empathizing brings love to life. Even some otherwise boring chores, at work or at home, can light up with meaning.

    —

    Love isn’t just something that happens to you. You can cultivate love, especially the five forms described above, starting today. In doing so, you’ll open the door to calmer acceptance of yourself, of others, and of life’s inevitable disappointments.

    You’ll also be able to enjoy the journey of life, in the company of friends, with more gratitude and forgiveness.

    Create more love today, and start experiencing the difference.

  • How to Move from Grief to Relief After Losing a Loved One

    How to Move from Grief to Relief After Losing a Loved One

    Man at the cemetary

    “When a person is born we rejoice, and when they’re married we jubilate, but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened.” ~Margaret Mead

    It was five years ago this month that my father passed away from cancer. About four months before his death, his oncologist gave him a bleak diagnosis, telling him to get his affairs in order because he could die at any time.

    Our entire family was dumbstruck. Here was a man who appeared to be strong and generally healthy.

    He was a youthful sixty-eight years old. Just months into his retirement after a long and impactful career in social work, this was my dad’s time to enjoy the pleasures of post-retirement life, not brace for a devastatingly premature death.

    Summoning every bit of optimism resident in my being, I refused to accept he would fall to cancer.

    I knew the power of a healthy diet, exercise, and other holistic modalities in extending the longevity of cancer patients. I would do whatever it took for my father to survive.

    I spent hundreds at Whole Foods in a single visit, buying up the most potent anti-cancer foods and supplements.

    I researched every type of cancer therapy under the sun.

    I encouraged my father to modify his diet, follow a juicing regimen, and consult with credible and proven holistic healers of every stripe.

    Despite my best efforts, I had hit a wall. Sure, my father expressed appreciation for my care and concern, but he held no desire to change his lifestyle or pursue any alternative therapies.

    Pursuing these things might have helped reverse his illness; or they might have done very little. What was certain is that he had resigned himself to the notion that death was upon him.

    And so for months my family and I were left to watch the vitality of a man we held so dear steadily drain away. Adding to the horror of the situation were the rounds of chemotherapy my father underwent at the recommendation of his physician, who claimed it would alleviate his suffering.

    To my untrained eye, the chemotherapy succeeded only in withering my dad’s physical vessel down to an ashen shell of what it once was.

    But I made sure to hold it together.

    I don’t believe I cried more than a few times in the months leading up to my dad’s passing. I simply didn’t allow myself to feel the cascade of negative emotions churning below the surface.

    I had to be practical, I thought, so that I could support my mother and the rest of my family during an extremely challenging time. I had to power through it.

    And steady I remained, right up until my dad took his last breath in the hospice facility on that warm spring afternoon.

    The bewildering mix of grief, pain, shock, and relief in the wake of losing a loved one who has been suffering profoundly will touch everyone differently. I wept mightily that evening. Surrounded by family and friends, I felt able to emote and let the tears flow, at least for a day. What a relief.

    My willingness to acknowledge my pain quickly changed, however. The long list of responsibilities that fell on my mother in the immediate aftermath of my father’s death were formidable.

    I made it my priority to do whatever I could to unburden her and once again, I chose to prioritize fulfilling obligations over feelings my feelings.

    I made it through the funeral, the flood of calls and the many financial, legal, and practical considerations that accompany the death of a relative. I helped pick up the pieces. But as the months wore on I continued to deny myself the opportunity to process the emotional impact of losing my dad.

    I wasn’t in denial about my father dying, I was in denial about the way I felt about it.

    Feeling for Answers

    Two years later I found myself in the office of a friend who happens to be a fellow hypnotherapist. I confided in her that, for more than a year, I had been struggling with a strange case of debilitating chronic stomach pain. She offered to help me unearth subconscious patterns that might have been contributing to the pain.

    During my session, I came to discover that the stomach issue I was experiencing was directly linked to unexpressed grief and shame around my father’s passing.

    I discovered that not only did I fail to move through the grief of the event, but part of me felt deeply guilty about letting my dad slip away when I believed I could have saved him. With my friend’s help, I was guided to release the underlying emotional discord feeding my physical ailment. The pain vanished overnight and never returned.

    It was eye-opening. Though I intellectually knew there existed a profound connection between our emotional states and physical health, it was still hard to believe that my months of acute discomfort were the manifestation of bottled up emotion. I had learned a big lesson.

    Open Up to Your Pain

    From an early age we are conditioned to ignore our negative emotions. This is especially the case when we endure difficult circumstances, such as family sickness and death. We choose to push away our feelings in order to “just get through it.”

    The trouble is that in suppressing our emotions we’re not getting through anything, but rather forcing these emotional patterns deep into the recesses of the subconscious mind. This unexpressed pain that brews below the surface is at the root of much of our anxiety and many types of illness.

    When it comes to any sort of emotional pain, it’s crucial for us to understand that negative feelings serve us. They are wonderful indicators of the truth of our being and show us what is wanted and unwanted. But we don’t have to hang on to the anger, sadness, and powerlessness forever.

    We transcend our negative emotions by being present with them. Being tuned into the truth of your feelings doesn’t mean you will be a trainwreck and incapable of dealing with the real world; it actually sets you on the path of wholeness and peace.

    We strive to put on a front so that the world sees us as kind, capable, and strong. This often means that we denying our emotional pain. It takes great courage to admit to our vulnerabilities and embrace our authentic feelings, but it is a required stop on the way to freedom and relief.

    I challenge you to pick something in your life that you’ve been holding back from feeling and choose to express your pain in a safe and conscious way. Pull down the facades and give yourself permission to not be okay. It’s time to free yourself.

  • How to Boost Your Resilience So Nothing Can Keep You Down

    How to Boost Your Resilience So Nothing Can Keep You Down

    “No matter how much falls on us, we keep plowing ahead. That’s the only way to keep the roads clear” ~Greg Kincaid

    How is it that some people can breeze through physical and emotional pain, whereas others wince at the mere thought of it?

    Is it their genes? Their individual circumstances? Their support network?

    Or is it a certain strength of character, something each and every one of us can develop with the right tools and training?

    Two years ago I found myself needing to answer these questions.

    I was sitting in a cafe in East London, wiping the tears from my cheeks with a napkin. To my boss, who’d just informed me she no longer needed me, it would’ve looked a little overdramatic. But at least an hour had passed since she’d left.

    It was uncertain whether or not I’d be paid the previous month’s wages. I needed it to cover last month’s rent, to buy food for the following weeks, and now to call my mom. I’d moved to London only a month prior, giving up a good job and a bright future in a good company to work on a new, small but promising community project.

    Despite the words of warning and concern from my family, I believed this was going to be the start of something great. Those tears were not for losing the position or even a month’s worth of hard work, but for the excruciating feeling of having to admit I was wrong and call my parents to take me in.

    I was a mess. I felt like a failure to myself and to all those who’d been looking out for me.

    Today when I think about that unfortunate time, I realize I wouldn’t be where I am now without it. I learned an early and somewhat easy lesson in resilience.

    Resilience: ”An individual’s ability to properly adapt to stress and adversity.”

    Resilience is not something you either have or don’t have. It’s a set of behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed by anyone. And the great thing is, you don’t need to lose your job, money, or pride to cultivate it.

    There are three keystone habits to master in order to become a temple of strength and resilience in times of adversity. I’ve spent the past several years practicing them, and they’ve completely transformed my life, so naturally, I now want to share them with you.

    Some of the tips may appear simple, but they take a concerted effort to put into practice and master. Start little by little today, and they’ll soon become a part of your body’s natural stress response.

    Focus on Finding the Good

    To be resilient, you need to be able to find reasons to be optimistic—some way your circumstances may actually be beneficial to you in the long run. It’s nearly impossible to bounce back when you’re focusing on how horrible a situation is. It’s much easier when you can find blessings in disguise within difficult times or identify lessons that can help you going forward.

    But this doesn’t mean you don’t experience difficulty or distress. In fact, those who are highly resilient have a much more diverse repertoire of emotions than those who are not. They feel pain, mourn losses, and endure frustrations, but they understand that pain is temporary, and they focus on identifying the positive in the negative and opportunities in challenges.

    If we don’t learn to look for the positive, we quickly become victims to the negativity bias—which means that even when the positives and negatives of a situation are of equal intensity, the unpleasant and traumatic thoughts and emotions affect us most. This is toxic because as soon as we start to complain, we become victims. If we smile and refuse to get caught up in negative interpretations of events, we are simply experiencers.

    It took me a while to see what good could come of being left in East London with no money, job, or clue as to what I was going to do next. It was only several months later, when my life took an unexpected turn for the better, that I would start to question the whole idea of positive and negative experiences and see that each brings their own unique possibilities.

    That’s often how it happens; at first, it seems there’s only one way to interpret adversity. In retrospect, though, we often find that a chain of seemingly negative events put us directly on the path to something worthwhile. Resilient people remember this when everything seems bleak.

    Question Your Thoughts and Feelings

    One major difference between those who are resilient and those who are not is self-awareness—the ability to identify their emotions and question the thoughts that preceded them.

    We know highly resilient people still experience reactive emotions from adversity like fear and worry, but they approach them in an active manner, identifying the thoughts that led to these emotions, challenging them, and quickly adapting. This is how they’re able to bounce back and summon confidence at will.

    The best way to avoid getting caught up in emotional reactions is to practice meditation in small bouts every day.

    Traditional meditation is great, but come 3 p.m. when you’re tired and hungry and in the middle of a heated debate with a colleague, it’s easy to forget the twenty minutes of calm and tranquil bliss you experienced that morning. Incorporating small bouts of meditation into your day allows you to regularly regulate your emotional state.

    Today, I don’t actively seek out difficult conversations or sticky situations, but when they do appear on my radar, I’m fully prepared and equipped to handle them. Of course, this is easier said than done, and recently this belief was challenged when a call from a family member completely knocked me off my trajectory.

    I hadn’t seen my grandma for years, not because I didn’t care but because I got busy with life, and I unwittingly convinced myself that she wouldn’t get sick again. So when it happened, it hit me hard.

    The subsequent feelings of depression and woe that consumed me at first felt inevitable, but before I knew it, I was focusing on my breath, questioning my thoughts, and reframing the situation in a positive light.

    At first, the situation seemed to have no upsides. Then I realized this was a reminder that life is short, and I need to be in touch with my grandmother more regularly. This same reminder also rekindled her appreciation for life. Pain wasn’t the only thing that could come from this situation, but growth, opportunity, and greater meaning.

    Run Toward the Pain

    As human beings, we naturally seek refuge in comfort.

    Our minds and bodies are content following familiar patterns and routines, conserving energy and hiding from the scary unknown.

    Unfortunately, that means we become dependent on external aids like smartphones to do difficult tasks and any strenuous thinking for us. This discomfort-avoiding behavior rubs off onto other areas of our lives: one minute you’re avoiding the pain of being alone by scrolling through Facebook, and the next you may be avoiding your feelings after losing someone close to you, inhibiting your ability to move forward.

    Resilient people accept painful situations and face them head-on, trusting that they can get through them.

    Rethink the little moments of discomfort and anxiety in your day as signposts to resilience and optimal health, from setting limitations on checking your phone to having that awkward conversation with a loved one.

    Whenever I catch myself feeling even an ounce of discomfort, I stop and think, “What is the next course of action that will make me feel most satisfied: avoidance or plowing straight ahead?”

    —

    The same characteristics that make us resilient are the same traits that allow us to live stronger and more enriched lives. So look on the bright side, challenge your reactive thoughts and emotions, and learn to lean into discomfort. Then even if life gets you down, it won’t be able to keep you there.

  • When Things Go Wrong: 5 Tips for Navigating Your “Why Me” Moments

    When Things Go Wrong: 5 Tips for Navigating Your “Why Me” Moments

    Frustrated man

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    Have you ever been cruising down the highway of life only to unexpectedly hit a major pothole that completely threw you off? Maybe you lost a job, ended a relationship, or were betrayed by a friend.

    It’s easy to wonder “why did this happen to me?” and stay buried in the pothole. It’s up to us to break free and regain our cruising speed on our life journey. Easier said than done, right?

    I hit a major pothole in my professional life that blindsided me and left me feeling alone and unsure of what to do. Through this experience, I learned a lot about getting out of the pothole and getting back to living my fullest life. Let me start by telling you a little about my journey to the pothole.

    The Rise

    I grew up very much an academic, excelling in school all the way through the ranks of getting a Ph.D. in Operations Research (which is essentially applied math).

    After that final graduation, I went off into the work force to put all of my newly learned skills, tools, and techniques to work. I worked as an analyst directly for two US federal agencies and also at a federally funded research and development center (FFRDC).

    While at the FFRDC, I began talking to two colleagues/ friends, and we decided that we should strike out on our own. We started an analytical consulting company and began pursuing federal contracts. We were very successful.

    As with most businesses, we had our ups and downs, but overall life was good. As owners, our skill sets complemented each other very well, but we did have some differences in our business philosophies that in the back of my mind I always viewed as a ticking time bomb.

    The Fall

    Fast-forward six years. All of sudden I found myself at real odds with my business partners and everything began to unravel. My partners gave me an ultimatum that was crushing, and I was forced to move on.

    It was unexpected, and I was deeply hurt. I didn’t know where to turn. I had devoted everything to this company and partnership over the last six years…what was I going to do now? Why me?!?!

    Pulling it together after this blow was definitely a challenge professionally and personally, and I learned some valuable lessons about getting through the “why me” moments in life.

    The Lessons

    1. Don’t get caught up in your story.

    When bad things happen, it’s very easy to get caught up in the drama. We can get a lot of things from repeating our story to others such as sympathy, support, and encouragement. But wallowing in that story keeps you living in the past and not focused on being present to what’s in front of you right now.

    Initially, I would go into all of the gory details of the “break up” when people asked me why I wasn’t in the business anymore, but pretty soon I grew tired of living in and repeating that story. Although people still asked me what happened, my response was just that I had irreconcilable differences with my partners. No bells, no whistles…simply, I’ve moved on. This kept me out of my story.

    2. Don’t consume yourself in placing blame.

    It’s easy to focus on placing blame on yourself and/or others when difficulties arise. What could I have done differently? Why did they do this to me? Why didn’t I try harder?

    Focusing on all these “what ifs” won’t change the situation or ease your pain and sorrow. Focus your energy on what you can do right here, right now, to move forward.

    3. Accept where you are. 

    As hard as it may be, you have to accept what happened. You can try not to, but it will only bring you more pain. Accepting your present circumstance is the first step to moving forward. 

    We have a natural tendency to judge and analyze the things that occur in our lives and label them as right or wrong, good or bad. Once we decide something is wrong or bad, we often spend a lot of time and energy complaining about it, feeling sorry for ourselves, pondering on how it could have gone differently, and/or trying to ‘fix’ it.

    Shifting from that place of judgment and ‘fixing’ to a state of acceptance frees up that energy to explore new possibilities available from our current reality.

    That doesn’t mean you have to like your current situation, but you do need to accept that you are where you are. It will clear your mind to take action to move to a better place.

    4. Find the lesson.

    This can be really hard because most potholes appear to be nothing but trouble when you hit them. But over time, you’ll likely realize that the pothole was actually there to teach or show you something.

    Perhaps a job loss is setting you up to pursue something you’ll enjoy more. Maybe ending your relationship with your significant other frees you to meet the true love of your life. It may not be apparent immediately, but there is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to grow.

    For me, the end of my partnership freed me to advise other small business owners. During my time in the partnership, I learned how to run a small business and picked up several skills directly from my partners. I’m grateful because all of this prepared me to do what I do now which is extremely gratifying.

    5. Focus on your vision.

    Instead of holding a pity party, take the time to think about what you really want. Developing a vision of what you do want in your life (instead of focusing on your current situation and what you don’t want) is very powerful.

    If you pile all of your energy into thinking about what happened and how it could have gone differently, you’ll stay stuck. Create a new vision for yourself so you can move forward. Focus on the positive things you want to see in your life and set the intention to pursue them.

    This may require some rework of your previous plans, but that’s okay. Change can be good and may lead to things better than you could have imagined.

    —

    Life can definitely blindside you at times. Those unexpected circumstances or events can make or break you depending on how you recover. You may not have had control over what happened, but you do have a choice in how you respond.

    Accept your current reality, but don’t let it define you. Keep your eyes open for the lessons to be learned and create a clear vision of what you want moving forward. Set your intention on your vision and allow it to unfold.

  • How to Create Happiness in Zero Easy Steps

    How to Create Happiness in Zero Easy Steps

    “To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” ~Jill Bolte Taylor

    I was fifteen when I first noticed that I was depressed. That was also when I became seriously interested in happiness.

    How can I get my hands on it? Where does it come from? Why does it seem so natural to some people?

    I wrestled with those questions for quite a while.

    Fast forward to ten years later and things look a lot different for me. Happiness is now a default instead of a rare state. What a relief.

    A few key lessons have made a world of difference. I’d like to share the most important one today.

    Two Kinds of Happiness

    One kind of happiness comes with positive experiences. It’s conditional. It comes when good things happen and leaves when bad things happen.

    The other kind doesn’t depend on the occurrence of any particular event. It is sustainable and unconditional. It exists underneath both desirable and undesirable experience. It is the canvas on which other emotions are painted.

    It’s also the kind with which most of us are unfamiliar. Why is that?

    My theory is that most self-help, personal development, and psychology resources focus on the first kind of happiness.

    They tell us how to make changes to our habits and routines that improve our lives. They talk about the role of thought and point out that if we change our thoughts we have a different experience.

    There’s nothing wrong with these strategies. I feel fortunate I found them when I did; they got me out of my initial funk and gave me some breathing room.

    And yet, my current experience shows me that there’s something even more satisfying on offer:

    Happiness that doesn’t require work or practice. Happiness that doesn’t have to be learned or earned. Happiness that emanates from a part of us that is untouched by negative thinking, bad habits, or traumatic events. The kind that is synonymous with peace and follows us around wherever we go.

    So…How Do We Get There?

    The difference between conditional and unconditional happiness is how we get there.

    The path to conditional happiness is self-explanatory: certain conditions must be met. It depends on completing your morning routine. On having situations break in your favor. On achieving success. On thinking positively.

    Thinking positive is great, but trying to make it an ongoing habit can be incredibly taxing and neuroticism-inducing. Sometimes positive thinking is as stressful as the negative thinking you’re trying to escape! Controlling thoughts is hard.

    Thankfully, in the second approach, we don’t have to.

    That’s because unconditional happiness is independent of the type of thoughts you’re having. Tapping into this state involves seeing the way our minds and thoughts work together to create our experience. Positive change comes naturally with insight into this system.

    Understanding The System

    Here are a few basic observations about the mind:

    • It constantly produces thoughts.
    • Thoughts come to leave, not to stay.
    • We bring thoughts to life with our consciousness. When we believe and latch onto thoughts, they look real, and we live out the experience of those thoughts.

    Have you ever been walking on a trail, seen a shape that looks like a snake, and freaked out… until you realized it was a stick? It was a stick the whole time. But your experience changed drastically as your thoughts changed drastically.

    The principle in this example is true all the time: We’re living in the feeling of our thinking, not the feeling of the outside world.

    That alone could be (and is) the subject of a book.

    But it becomes most profound when the goal is change.

    Doing Less

    When we think negative thoughts, conventional wisdom says we must change or get rid of them. It’s the strategy most of us adopt.

    However, if the mind is constantly producing new thoughts, that means thoughts will change on their own. It isn’t our job to change our thoughts.

    We often obstruct thoughts from naturally passing in and out of our consciousness. One of the ways we do this is by resisting them; it’s a way of holding on to them. When we allow them to, they pass through on their own, like clouds in the sky.

    We don’t have to reprogram old thought patterns or adopt new beliefs.

    When consciousness shifts away from the content of what we think and to the fact that we think, we stop being mesmerized by thoughts. We see that they’re arbitrary and meaningless until we believe them.

    This allows healthier thought patterns to implant themselves automatically.

    With little annoyances and minor distresses, it can be easier to see the transient, arbitrary nature of thought.

    It’s hardest to see, however, in the really problematic areas of our lives. Pain from childhood trauma, destructive psychological patterns, unhelpful habits we learned in dysfunctional families.

    Although it’s harder to see in those areas, the principle is not any less true. These areas cause the most suffering because we thrash against our painful thoughts about those experiences. We drop out of the level of consciousness where thoughts don’t have inherent meaning, and into the level where they’re real and hellish.

    In these areas, the river of our lives becomes whitewater and we fight madly to escape. But even here, the truth remains: Thoughts look real and scary, and cause suffering—until they pass. It will suck for a bit, until we end up in a calmer part of the river. Which we always do.

    Remember the scary snake we encountered on the trail earlier? The fear and pain disappear when you see that it’s a stick. This transformation is possible with any of the pain that we experience over and over again.

    As we stop latching onto painful thoughts by seeing that they come and go on their own, our consciousness around a certain problem rises. And over time, even the worst of experiences are seen differently, in a way that sets you free. We get through the hardest of times without getting stuck in them.

    Back to Happiness

    How does this all fit into being happy?

    Here’s how it has helped me:

    When I remember the way things work—the mind produces thoughts, I experience thoughts as consciousness, which brings them to life, and thoughts float in and out on their own—I get less scared of my experience.

    I used to be seriously afraid of emotions like sadness, jealousy, and my personal demon, depression. I would not only feel those emotions, but I’d feel emotions about the emotions. I was nervous about being sad. Sad about being depressed. Judgmental about being angry.

    Of course, emotions look scary when we decide there are some we’re not supposed to have.

    That second layer of meaning is a way of fighting against myself. What a waste of energy.

    When I saw that doing so kept me trapped in pain, I naturally started to do it less. Since I see that it’s coming from thinking—and that it’s not my job to fix my thinking—I can relax. I know that in ten minutes, or tomorrow morning, I might feel different.

    The more you see the transient, thought-created nature of our experience, the more a simple happiness wakes up. And since it’s not in opposition to negative experience, it can remain there underneath any emotion on the surface.

    This is available to all of us, all the time. It’s just a matter of looking in a new direction, and seeing how our experience is created.

  • 8 Meditation Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Feel Calm and Peaceful

    8 Meditation Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Feel Calm and Peaceful

    “Three things you cannot recover in life: the word after it’s said, the moment after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.” ~Unknown

    Do you meditate?

    I do. I come from a Buddhist family, and meditation is like an heirloom to me.

    I didn’t start meditating until I was an adult. But when I did, I meditated diligently. From forming a meditation habit to getting the latest meditation app, I’ve done it all.

    And one day I got a little worried.

    I didn’t feel much difference. I didn’t feel calm and peaceful like I was supposed to feel.

    In fact, I didn’t feel anything.

    Nothing has changed. I was still the irritable, depressed person that I was. Meditation felt like a waste of time.

    Later, I was shocked to discover how many mistakes I was making.

    I want you to avoid these mistakes so that you can meditate efficiently without wasting your time as well.

    1. You don’t embrace distractions.

    I used to hate distraction. I’d use earplugs, lock my door, and yell at everybody to shut up before I meditated.

    By all means, minimize distraction. But realize no matter what you do, something’s going to bother you. If you’re like me, you become more irritated each time you get distracted or interrupted. This is counterproductive.

    The whole point of meditation is to observe distractions as they occur, and not to be carried away by them. Embracing distraction is part of the practice. When you do, you’ll feel much more laid back, and everything else will fall into place.

    2. You only meditate with external aids.

    When meditation was popularized, meditation apps, meditation music, and guided meditation also became a fad.

    These external aids direct your thoughts and get you relaxed and concentrated. If you have difficulty meditating traditionally, they’re certainly viable alternatives.

    However, a big part of meditation is facing your inner thoughts on your own. This cultivates insight and wisdom. If your thoughts are being guided externally, you’ll miss out on an opportunity to self-realization.

    If you want your practice to be well-rounded, you should devote some time to meditate with only your mind and body, even if you do enjoy using apps or guided meditations.

    3. You seek escape in meditation.

    I used to abuse meditation to suppress my strong negative feelings. As long as I concentrated only on my breath, I could stop myself from thinking about my problems.

    But then I learned that focus isn’t a hammer of suppression; it’s a ray of light. The light of your meditative awareness will bring up your problems in the form of thoughts. It’s your job to face and neutralize them in the process.

    When strong feelings emerge, put your awareness on those feelings before returning to your focus. Otherwise, you would be suppressing your emotions to the detriment of your mental health.

    Observe the feeling, let it grow, and it’ll naturally dissolve.

    4. You’re doing the wrong meditation for your body type.

    If you feel physically or mentally uncomfortable while meditating, you may be doing the wrong meditation.

    I have a slight nose condition. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to breathe comfortably through my nose. At those times, meditation became torturous because I would strain my tracheal muscle badly afterward. I decided to drop breathing meditation soon after.

    Meditation is not a battle. Fighting discomfort is neither healthy nor helpful. There’s no reason why meditation shouldn’t be comfortable. Stop doing your current meditation if you’re in a similar situation.

    5. You don’t try out other types of meditation.

    No one meditation technique is superior to one another. For example, most of us meditate to cultivate mindfulness. Breathing is not the only way to do so. Many meditation techniques can achieve the same purpose.

    There are mantra meditations, visualization meditations, walking meditations, contemplation meditations, as well as various schools of Vipassana meditations for you to choose from.

    After I dropped breathing meditation, I tried many other techniques and finally settled on mantra meditation. It felt much more natural to me.

    Learn different techniques from credible teachers. Try out the ones that appeal to you.

    If you’re already content with your current meditation, great. But remember you always have the option to explore different meditations. Maybe you’ll find one that you love even more.

    6. You don’t stick with one meditation technique for long enough.

    While you should explore different techniques, avoid switching around all the time.

    If you do, you wouldn’t be familiar enough with a technique, and there won’t be enough time for its benefits to come to fruition.

    Practice a technique until you know it inside out before you determine whether you should move on or not.

    The exception here is that if a meditation clearly makes you physically or mentally uncomfortable, you should stop right away.

    7. You have unrealistic goals.

    I used to meditate to reach “enlightenment.” Needless to say, I didn’t get there.

    And I thought it would make me at least a tad calmer, or give me some obvious health benefits. I didn’t get both.

    I was expecting too much. And it drove me crazy.

    Don’t expect too much, and don’t expect anything too soon. Meditation is not the magic cure that could banish all your stress and turn you into an enlightened being in just a few days, months, or even years.

    Remember, the masters meditated day and night for decades to reach where they are.

    Unrealistic expectations prevent you from focusing on your practice. When you have high expectations, you focus on results instead of the process. This is counterproductive, as it takes away the present moment awareness that meditation offers.

    Whenever I find myself expecting, I remind myself that I’m not trying to get anything from meditation. As I do so, the practice becomes much more enjoyable. And in the end, by releasing my expectations, meditation does make me more peaceful.

    8. You never learned how to meditate.

    If you don’t study meditation thoroughly, you won’t be able to discover your own mistakes. And if you continue your practice with these mistakes, you’ll waste your precious time at best and injure yourself mentally or physically at worst.

    Read a wide variety of books on meditation, watch videos and listen to lectures by different teachers, join a meditation forum online or social group in person. Expand your knowledge constantly. Use that knowledge to improve your practice regularly.

    If you can afford it, it’s best to learn from a trustworthy and reputable teacher. A good teacher will not only guide you through advanced meditations safely, they will also help you save a lot of time and avoid most mistakes from the outset.

    Guidance from a teacher is necessary if you’re interested in meditations using mantras or visualization. Some of these meditations are potentially dangerous to your mental health.

    Until you can get a teacher or become knowledgeable enough, stick with basic meditations. Avoid visualizations, contemplations, and esoteric mantras you don’t understand.

    Meditation Has Never Felt So Good

    Now that you know what to avoid in meditation, you’ll able to make much more progress than I have in a much shorter time.

    With this knowledge in mind, identify your mistakes and correct them.

    Then meditation will no longer feel like a chore. You’ll actually want to sit down and meditate. Not because you think you should, but because it feels so good. And you can be assured that no matter what happens during the session, you’ll remain peaceful, calm, and happy.

    Yes, it is possible.

    So get to work, and let a whole new journey begin.

  • 7 Decluttering Tips: How to Release Your Attachment to Your Stuff

    7 Decluttering Tips: How to Release Your Attachment to Your Stuff

    “To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one’s mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.” ~Anais Nin

    I’m attempting to fit my life into ten large boxes (and one red suitcase).

    As I enter a new phase in my life I’ve decided that now is the time to reduce the stuff that has been sitting in my storage unit while I’ve been house sitting and declutter my world as much as I can. The process has been both satisfying and exhausting.

    Satisfying because I’m finally able to get rid of things that I no longer need, from an ironing board to a box of fifty-plus rubber bands. (I’ve no idea when my rubber band hoarding began!)

    Exhausting because every item of my belongings requires a decision. Keep or release? Sell or gift? Friends or family?

    I found that while some things were easy to be rid of, there were others that I moved from pile to pile, unsure where they should rest.

    I knew that I didn’t need them but felt unwilling to let go. This feeling came up the most with clothes, as it turns out I’d attached a lot of meaning to fabric and thread.

    Like my pink suit. It’s that rare shade that suited me perfectly. The shape was flattering—a random woman once came up to me in the street to say how great my legs looked. I wore it in a corporate law office where black, accessorised with grey, was the norm. (I never did like to conform!)

    That suit reminded me of a time in my life where I lived in an exciting city and felt successful. That beautiful suit also has a stain down the front that dry cleaning won’t remove. It now looks dated, not to mention that I don’t wear suits anymore. Yet I cling onto it.

    Part of my reluctance was due to my scarcity mind set. “What if I never find another suit in that colour that makes me feel as good?”

    Do you do that when you are trying to let go of your things?

    We ask ourselves, “What if I give it away and then need it in a month?”

    Even though we haven’t needed it in the past year and, in most cases, we could borrow or buy a new one if we really needed to.

    As I decluttered I found that following steps helped me. I think they’ll help you too, whether your aim is to empty your junk drawer, your garage, or your wardrobe.

    1. Start with an easy area or the area that annoys or distracts you the most.

    Starting with an easy area is great for instant satisfaction and giving you the motivation to continue. Those old shoes that are so scuffed you can’t see the original color? Out. Those shoes that are lovely but don’t fit you? Out. Give them to a friend and make their day.

    Tackling an area that annoys or distracts you is a fantastic way to free up energy. The garage that you can longer fit the car in. Start there. The sock drawer that you have to push and shove to close because it’s so full of mismatched socks. Start there.

    2. Give yourself a time limit.

    Having a time limit will stop you from being sucked into the time vortex that is your closet. Or garage. Or pantry.

    Focusing on the time limit that I’d set myself to go through a box meant I was less distracted. If I found myself looking through a photo album when I was meant to be sorting through a box full of things for the kitchen, a quick look at the clock got me back on track.

    3. Give yourself a challenge.

    This step may only work if you’re a competitive soul like me. I decided to reduce my boxes from sixteen to ten. Why ten? I thought it was achievable and a stretch. Having that set number really helped me with my decision-making, as I knew I had a set amount of space to work with.

    4. Only keep what is essential or beautiful.

    Imagine having a home that only contained things that were essential or beautiful, or both. That idea fills me with a sense of calm and pleasure.

    This step was the best way for me to make a decision on whether to keep something, as having that guiding idea took away the constant questioning. “Should I keep it? It could be handy in the future.” “You can never have too many pairs of black trousers, black socks…”

    A friend gave me another helpful tip when decluttering clothes and accessories. Does it make you look or feel like a million dollars?

    I love that the bar is set so high. Most of us have far more clothes than we actually need. Having a wardrobe full of things that make you feel like a million dollars is simplistic luxury.

    This doesn’t mean that you keep the most expensive things either. I own necklaces that I bought for a few dollars while on holiday that I feel like a million dollars in.

    5. Get some help.

    Who says that decluttering your world has to be a chore or boring? Invite some good friends over, put some music on, and combine laughter with letting go of what no longer serves you.

    6. Give your things a second life.

    Have you thought about giving some of your stuff a second life? I had a pile of t-shirts that I no longer wear, some sixteen years old. I’d bought them while on traveling adventures, and they reminded me of those trips.

    I decided to get inventive. I sent them to my young nieces and included a set of stories telling them where in the world the T-shirts were from and what I’d been doing there. When my nieces called me, I was thrilled because the youngest said, “Thank you for the T-shirts. I especially loved the stories you told us.”

    Is there another life that your possessions can live?

    7. Connect with your emotions.

    Letting go of possessions can be like letting go of a part of ourselves. When I came across things I knew I wasn’t going to use or wear, but was struggling to release, I deliberately sat down with them and dove into the emotions/memories they raised.

    Dig into why you’re hanging onto that item. What does the item represent to you? What memories have you attached to that item?

    Connecting to those emotions helped me to know that those memories are always with me and don’t need to be triggered by a thing.

    I began to thank those items for helping me to create those memories. That might sound a bit odd, but it really worked. I could then release those things with a smile and a thankful heart.

    —

    I love the way I feel when my possessions have been reduced. There are less distractions and I feel so much lighter and more in control of my stuff rather than having it control me. The same can happen for you.

  • More Information is Not the Answer; More Action Is

    More Information is Not the Answer; More Action Is

    Man thinking

    “Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.” ~Bruce Lee

    We live in a world where information is literally at our fingertips, twenty-four hours a day, every day. As wonderful as this can be, it can also lead to a number of challenges.

    With so much information available to us it can be difficult to know which way is up.

    The more we read, the more confused we become.

    One source makes a logical argument for one way to do something. Then we read a completely opposing view that is backed by another logical sounding theory.

    This can lead to us freezing. Like a sprinter waiting too long in the blocks for the gun to go off, we have lost the ability to react. We have lost the ability to go.

    Too Many Choices Can Lead to No Choice

    Too many options and choices laid out in front of us can lead to a strange problem where we struggle to make any choice at all.

    What should be a positive suddenly turns to a negative. We’re worried that choosing means we miss out on something else. Or that our choice will not be the perfect choice.

    Distraction Attraction

    The floodgates of information can cause their own form of addictive behavior. We have become attracted to distracted. Constantly checking for updates and new information. Obsessively checking for the latest word from this expert or that.

    Strangely this constant activity feels like progress. The truth is we’re busy, but we’re not focused. Nothing much is getting done.

    The Answer – Positive Constraints Followed by Action

    Another road that can be taken is one where we deliberately limit our choices. We commit to choosing from a more limited pool of information, then we follow through with a healthy dose of action.

    If this works out well, we stay committed to the choice. If not, we go back and choose something else that will work for us. Importantly, we don’t jump around just because there is more on the table.

    Ironically, limiting choice can improve our chances of actually making a choice at all. We put the mental blinkers on and fully commit to what is in front of us instead of flitting from this to that looking for perfect.

    Personal Experience – Subtraction

    In my own case, I have benefitted from limiting choice in several areas of my life.

    My fitness is something that is very important to me. However, I can read too much on what I should be doing by this fitness expert or that. This can lead to confusion and frustration when these experts contradict each other.

    With my training this has led to me chopping and changing programmes too often and not giving a particular program or exercise time to work its magic.

    Worse, I’ve also tried to perform exercises, or follow programs, that are not a good fit for my goals, just because a particular expert says they are “must do” moves.

    With the above in mind, I now limit the information channels I read—fewer fitness blogs, fewer magazines. Instead, I dig deeper into a few sources that I get most enjoyment/benefit from.

    In terms of my actual training, I have limited my exercise selection down to a small pool of big return exercises that suit my body, temperament, and goals.

    Importantly, these are exercises I also enjoy trying to perfect over the long term, and that seem to do my body good. I find them challenging but equally I am happy to do them again and again, with no sense of dread.

    This has left me enjoying my workouts more, results in less confusion, and provides more focus on the goal at hand—a winning combination!

    An Experiment for You

    If you struggle with too many choices at times, try the following:

    1. Choose from a restricted menu.

    Over the next few weeks, stay focused on limiting choices in one area of your life. This could be the blogs you read, the foods you eat, or anything in between.

    Using diet and the foods we eat as an example, it could mean for the following few weeks you will choose to eat only plant based foods. No meat at all.

    Whatever it is, intentionally limit your choices in this area. Focus on a few options only, the ones that are likely to give you maximum enjoyment or results in relation to others.

    2. Block out distractions.

    Once you have your small pool of choices to work from in your chosen area, block everything else out. This will not be easy initially and will require discipline, but it is essential.

    Carrying on our example above of changing our diet, if we’re going plant-based for a few weeks as an experiment, we will ensure all meat products are removed from our home. We will tell friends what we are doing so others know to prepare us plant based fare only if we visit and, if at a restaurant, we only look at the vegetarian options on menus. Out of sight, out of mind.

    We need to cultivate some selective ignorance for this to work. Ignore the strong temptation to let the information floodgates remain fully open.

    3. Commit.

    Fully commit to your choice. Enjoy it, explore it, and revel in the process of making it.

    4. Review—did it work?

    Is your choice having the desired effect?

    In our example of intentionally reducing food choices to plant-based only, are you feeling better and more energized? Have you lost some fat? Are you feeling and looking healthier?

    If not, it’s time to go back to your limited pool of choices and try something else.

    Maybe in this example we add a fish or meat dish once or twice a week only, start the process again, and re-evaluate. Maybe we try staying meatless longer but adding more protein sources, or varying our foods a little more (more green veggies etc.).

    The important thing is we give our choice time to work, rather than staying stuck in making no decisions or in flitting from one thing to another.

    An Information-Driven World

    The world has been opened up to us with the technology now at our fingertips. That should be a wonderful thing if we use it appropriately. How we use it is up to us.

    Try intentionally limiting choice for a while and see if it helps you get out of the blocks.

    Sometimes less really can be more.

  • You Don’t Have to be Shaken Up to Wake Up

    You Don’t Have to be Shaken Up to Wake Up

    “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ~Andy Warhol

    I’m in my late thirties now, but I remember getting my first car like it was yesterday.

    Even though I would have loved a shiny new car, my dad had suggested I go for a reliable junk box instead. Since I had been known to take out a few mailboxes and was somewhat of a menace on the road, I begrudgingly agreed.

    Dad had a friend who worked on cars, and I proudly purchased my first clunker for $1000.

    The catalyst for wanting my own set of wheels was the dreaded bus ride to my job. Day after day, I would stand at that overcrowded city bus stop in the cold, waiting for the bus to arrive like it was the second coming of Christ.

    Unfortunately, when it did come, the 7,000 other commuters and I would pile in like a pack of sardines. Was that handsome guy putting the moves on me, or were we just packed in too close? I guess I’ll never know.

    The only upside to the overcrowded bus was that the body heat kept us all warm.

    I’d stand there, hanging on for dear life, praying that a nice old lady or a woman with a baby carriage didn’t need to board. Don’t get me wrong—I love the elderly, and babies too, but those were the kind of situations that would delay my already late behind!

    When I’d finally arrive at my destination, I’d file out with all the other happy campers, smooth my wrinkled skirt, and be on my way.

    During that time, the commute was just the start to what I already knew would be horrible day. Not that anything bad or dramatic would happen at work; it was just the simple fact that I just didn’t want to be there. Just like I didn’t want to be on that crowded bus.

    My office job certainly paid the bills, but it came with a hefty price. I was unhappy, like really unhappy. 

    Sitting in my less than comfy chair, typing away on my keyboard, my body was there, but my spirit was somewhere else. It was like a daily out of body experience and I spent years living that way.

    Eventually the unhappiness got to be too much, and I was more than willing to make the sacrifices I needed to make in order to escape. Translation: I left my very comfortable paying job, moved back in with my parents, and took a job at a local animal shelter.

    And you know what? I was broke, but more importantly, I was happy.

    Instead of having to endure those previous out of body experiences, I was now fully present. I loved that I had traded in my desk and computer for pooper scoopers and leashes.

    My days now consisted of walking dogs and making sure that the cats in my care felt comfortable and safe. I didn’t have all the answers on what direction my life was heading in. But the wagging tails and licks on my face confirmed that I was on the right track.

    Making the move from my spirit-draining job gave me time to contemplate what I wanted to do with my life. Eventually, I went on to open my own pet sitting business and it became a great success! In fact, I made much more money than I did at my office job.

    When I look back now, I wonder why it took me so long to make a move. Why is it that when we find ourselves feeling unfulfilled, we just accept that this is just the way things are?

    Why is it that we get so stuck in such a rut that we become zombie-like and don’t question things or contemplate a different way of living? A different way of making a living?

    Unfortunately, it usually takes something negative to happen in our lives for us to look for a different solution.

    Sometimes it comes in the form of a layoff from our job, the death of a loved one, (life is short, what the heck am I doing?), or a scary health diagnosis. Things like these tend to shake us up and wake us up.

    The good news is that you don’t need your beloved Uncle Harry to die or your boss to fire you before you can make a change. I’m living proof of that. If you don’t like the way your life is going, decide to change it. Simple as that.

    Sure, it might take some initial sacrifices, but just like my days riding the bus, those are only temporary.

    You don’t need to know all the steps you need to take just yet; you just need to give yourself permission to contemplate something different. Ask yourself, what are the things that bring me joy?

    That was my first step. I simply thought about what made me happy. The answer wasn’t too hard to find—it came in the form of my cat sitting on my lap. Purr…

    Once we declare that we want something better for ourselves, we get help in the ways we need. Ways we might not even see coming. The Universe is funny that way.

    Looking back, I realize how fortunate I was to be able to move back in with my parents during that time. Not everyone has that option, but your path to change doesn’t have to look like mine. In fact, it should be uniquely your own.

    Most times it’s the little, everyday choices we make that end up having the greatest impact over time.

    Maybe it starts with just taking a class or trying a new hobby. Or maybe your path to change involves letting something go—a bad habit, negative self-talk or the pressure to please others.

    It’s these small choices and actions that end up leaving us a trail of breadcrumbs to follow. One action, one decision at a time will eventually get you to where you need to go. And the best part is that you don’t need your life to be shaken up before that can happen.

    Take it from me, you don’t need the 7.0 earthquake to hit before you decide to head to safety. When you first feel the ground shake, that’s the time to make your move.

  • How to Thrive at Work (Even If You Don’t Love Your Job)

    How to Thrive at Work (Even If You Don’t Love Your Job)

    “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

    We spend so much of our days at work, it makes sense that we should enjoy it, but many of us are not that lucky.

    Too many people work in jobs they dislike or for people who make them unhappy.

    Perhaps we don’t get the meaning of our jobs or are caught up in the corporate rat race. So quit, our friends say, but it’s not that easy. I have bills to pay, kids to feed, or things I need the money for. So how do we strike the balance? What’s the secret to thriving at work?

    I learned the hard way. Working long hours, if I wasn’t in meetings I was in the car driving. I’d grab fast food because it was quick and I could eat in on the run. After getting in late I was so exhausted that exercise was the last thing I felt like doing, so I’d crash on the sofa and then get my laptop to catch up on emails.

    I spent my weekends sleeping in and catching up on all the housework I’d let slide during the week, and I was usually sick during my vacations, as my body struggled to cope with the constant demands.

    I knew it wasn’t healthy, but wasn’t sure how to change it, how to find balance. When I looked around, I realized everyone else seemed to be doing the same. Eventually, I hit a wall and burned out. This ultimately led to a fork in the road where everything changed.

    I quit the corporate world to follow my dreams and became a writer and yoga teacher. It’s something I love, but it doesn’t pay well, so I found myself having to pick up contract work to put food on my table and a roof above my head.

    I still write and do what I love, but I also have to have a day job back in the office to pay the bills. The difference now is that I’ve learned the art of balance. Here’s how I thrive at work, and how you can too.

     1. Adopt a healthy routine.

    I found that adopting a healthy routine made things easier. I get up early so I can meditate and do a bit of yoga. This sets me up for the day and makes me feel good before I even get to work.

    Getting up early means I have time for breakfast and to walk to my office. It’s a challenge at first, and the snooze button is always tempting, but once we feel the benefits, it’s a no brainer. And after a few weeks of doing this, it becomes a habit.

    2. Take care of your body.

    Work can be stressful, which is why paying attention to the basics of good health and prioritizing this makes our workdays better.

    What we eat, how much water we drink, how much we move, the lighting, ventilation, how we sit—it all adds up. It may seem simple, but it’s also important.

    The meals we chose fuel us throughout the day; we know we can feel lethargic and short of energy if we’re not eating right. We are what we eat, so it’s critical we’re putting the right things in to help us thrive both at work and at home. It has a direct impact on our mood and how we concentrate, and therefore, how much better we’re likely to deal with stress and colleagues.

    Exercise is also key, especially for those of us who are deskbound. I ensure I get up and move around regularly, either to get water, talk to a colleague, or when I’m on the phone. I also make sure I get outside every lunchtime for a walk and some fresh air, and head to the gym some evenings to counteract all the sitting my job requires.

    3. Make it a priority to have fun with your coworkers.

    Human beings are social animals, and our colleagues can be the source of great company (or sometimes irritation!) Taking time out to ask people how they’re doing over the water cooler, chatting about your plans for the weekend, or asking about their latest trip is a pleasant addition to the workday.

    There are many ways to bond with your colleagues—Friday night drinks after closing, lunchtime walking groups, social sports teams, quiz nights, and office morning teas (where everyone brings something in). It’s a great way of getting to know your colleagues better, without the pressure of work.

     4. Treat yourself.

    Every week I treat myself to dinner at my favorite restaurant, or a takeout if I’m tired. It’s usually on a Friday, and I often spend the week looking forward to this.

    I also have a massage once a month, partly to offset the sitting at a computer, but also to treat myself and show my body some love. It’s the little things that I look forward to, that my wages allow me to buy, that makes working more worth while.

    5. Spend time in nature.

    This one makes a big difference, particularly if we live and work in cities, as many of us do, and may be confined to the indoors for most of the day, without natural light or ventilation.

    Get out during lunchtime for a walk in the park, or spend the weekend camping at the beach or in a cabin in the woods. Whatever it is, make sure you get some time in nature. It helps us unwind, relax, and reconnect, not just to the natural world around us but also to ourselves.

    Science is proving that nature really does have healing powers, and I know it’s a vital part of helping me thrive at work.

    6. Strive for balance.

    I learned the hard way, and now work/life balance is one of my top priorities.

    I see many people who seem defined by their jobs; this is their life and who they are, and this mantra often takes over their life.

    If we spend all hours at work, there are areas of our life we’re neglecting—perhaps time with loved ones, time to ourselves, or social events or hobbies. Work/life balance is so important. After all, one of the reasons we go to work is so we can afford to have a life!

    7. Do what you love.

    They say that if you love what you do you’ll be successful. While not all of us have the jobs we’ve dreamed of since we were young, we can often find things within our jobs that we enjoy—dealing with people perhaps, training others, designing posters, solving problems, or organizing events.

    If there is that long-time ambition you’ve had that involves a change of career, then think about how that may happen. It’s all about small steps, as I’ve found out, and can often mean we’re doing two jobs simultaneously for a while as we transition or retrain. But the important thing is that we start taking those small steps toward our dreams.

    When the hard days at work come, I put them into perspective and ensure I find a positive. I also make sure I find time to do something I love, whether it’s writing, walking outside in nature, or having lunch with friends.

    8. Never forget the why.

    Probably the most important thing is to not lose sight of our reasons for going to work. Yes, we need to earn money, and preferably we could do this doing something we love. But sometimes we have to do X in order to get to Y.

    Remember your “why.” This could be your kids’ education, that trip of a lifetime, your first home, or a medical treatment for a family member.

    Put a photo up on your desk that’ll remind you every day what you’re working for. It’s not that boss that shouts at you or the company that cares more about its bottom line than its workers; it’s for your hopes and dreams and all the things we do each month with the wages we’re lucky to earn.

    —

    We spend so much time at work, it makes sense that we make it as happy as it can be. It doesn’t have to be detrimental to our health. By mastering the art of balance, we can thrive at work.

  • How to Make Life More Exciting and the Benefits of Switching Things Up

    How to Make Life More Exciting and the Benefits of Switching Things Up

    “If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” ~Stephen Hunt

    Isn’t it funny how metaphors for life exist in all of our everyday experiences?

    I found myself on a mountain the other day (no, that’s not the metaphor), where the route through the particularly rocky bits was marked with cairns. (For those non-mountain runners, a cairn is a man-made pile of little rocks indicating the pathway.)

    Even though I was following a fellow runner, I liked to lag behind to enjoy the solitude and absorb the surrounding energy of nature. That’s the hippie in me.

    There were a few times when I found myself gazing around, feeling lost, hands on hips, looking for those all-important cairns.

    I yelled, “Where’s the path?” to my patient partner far up ahead, who replied, “You’re always looking for the path! Just come straight up!”

    And there it is… my metaphor!

    My personal epiphany was that in my life, I’ve always looked for that proverbial path. The straight and narrow. The safe way. The known route traversed by many. Need I go on?

    Looking for the known path narrowed my focus to the immediate surroundings. It kept my world and experience small.

    Had I forged straight up the mountainside, I would have had to navigate through unknown territory on high alert, and with extreme attention and interest. I would have seen different views and experienced a sense of accomplishment and exhilaration.

    Yet, I followed the path.

    How often do we do the same in life?

    Ten years ago I ricocheted in and out of a volatile, toxic relationship.

    Each time I left I would vow to have a clean break and move on. Yet many times (way too many times) I found myself back in this destructive relationship simply because it seemed easier than finding the courage to venture into something new.

    I felt comfortable and safe, as I knew what I was getting. It didn’t matter that I was unhappy; it was the known path.

    We can get from A to B on the known, safe, predictable route, or we can explore a new route and open ourselves to new experiences, adventure, and opportunities.

    So where do we start?

    Acknowledge the Mundane

    Become aware of your daily routines and how they make you feel.

    Start noticing those things you do on automatic pilot, things as simple as your grooming routines. Do you brush your teeth the same way every day? How about what you have for breakfast and lunch? Do you make the same thing because it’s easier and quicker?

    And what do you feel when you’re doing these things? I’m guessing very little.

    Identify the New Possibilities

    Look at ways to do things differently, yet achieve the same (or better) results.

    Ever tried brushing your teeth with the other hand? Trust me, it’s more of a challenge than you think. (And it’ll make you laugh!)

    How about a completely new flavor of coffee? Or tea?

    Or step it up: try yoga in the park instead of the monotony of the gym.

    A spontaneous road trip somewhere new instead of yet another weekend of Netflix.

    The options are endless. Let your imagination lead..

    Plot a New Course for Excitement

    Decide how you’re going to forge new “paths” into your current everyday existence.

    Start with small steps and jot down a few things you can do differently every day.

    Take a different route to work or try a completely new recipe for dinner.

    Try soya milk. Or almond milk. You get the picture.

    Again, observe your feelings as you try new things. Any intrigue? Fascination? At least a bit of interest?

    The Benefits of Switching Things Up

    And now the good bit: You get to reap amazing benefits when you make changes.

    It encourages mindfulness.

    You’re more present, which means your life experience becomes richer and more relevant.

    If I run the same route every day, I fall into autopilot and lose myself in my head. I don’t notice my surroundings at all.

    In today’s chaotic existence it’s not unusual to spend most of our conscious day either looping helplessly in thoughts of the past or fretting aimlessly in thoughts about the future. Both are essentially useless and serve only to create (mostly) bad feelings.

    Being present is calm, interesting, and open.

    It fosters a sense of accomplishment.

    Can you imagine that sense of exhilaration inspired by something new and exciting?

    Go on—think of the last time you felt exhilarated by achieving a new goal. Can you?

    I remember when I completed my first ultra trailrun. I was completely undertrained, yet managed to drag myself through 80kms of mountains only to finish at the back of the field.

    Yet I was completely exhilarated! I’ve never felt more alive and able to conquer the world.

    Absolutely anything has become possible to me as a result of that achievement. I was Super Woman! (My version, at least.)

    I know, it’s a big example, but the message here is to seek out that sense of accomplishment. Daily.

    Smaller goals, more regularly.

    It inspires a sense of adventure.

    When you try something new, there are no habits and fewer rules in how you approach it. The task becomes an avenue of adventure. It’s like a blank slate. Perfect!

    When we repeat things over and over again, it’s human nature to start comparing ourselves.

    If I run the same route every day, I always start comparing my daily performance.

    Was I as quick as yesterday? Do I feel as strong?

    Unfortunately, this generally comes with a hefty helping of self-judgment. Not cool.

    If I’m slower, I feel despondent. Down. Flat.

    Who needs that? Really?

    Varying my routes (and leaving my watch at home) leave me interested and open. Far better.

    Leaping into the unknown can be scary, but it can also be exciting!

    Which leads right to the next point…

    We get to overcome our fears.

    Most of us follow the same paths because they’re safe. By diverting ourselves into the unknown, we’re facing our fears and challenging ourselves to be more courageous.

    I once entered a trail running event that scoured three peaks of a glorious mountain—at night!

    That in itself is a challenge, but add awful weather (gale force wind and horizontal rain) to the mix, and it becomes almost ridiculous!

    Yet I sucked it up and forged forward. Six exhilarating hours of being battered by the elements (did I mention it was dark?), with all my senses on extreme high alert, was nothing less than exhausting. But I cannot begin to describe the multitude of feelings I felt when I finished.

    Stimulated, rejuvenated, accomplished, simply brilliant!

    And if I can do that, what is there that I can’t do?

    Who’s afraid of the dark now?

    Our world expands.

    We know there’s no growth without expansion. When we look for new options we have no choice but to grow.

    To say that my little adventures into the mountains have had a domino effect on the rest of my life would be an understatement.

    Over the last five years I’ve made more changes and taken more risks than I would ever have imagined! Some worked out fantastically and some were more challenging, yet each time I’ve stepped onto a new path my world has expanded. Literally and figuratively!

    I’ve changed careers, relationships, and cities. In that order.

    It was scary, risky, and some would say stupid. Yet I feel great! And that’s just the beginning.

    —

    Ultimately, the question remains: Why waste time doing something uninspiring? Life is simply too precious not to feel good feelings as often as we can.

    Are we actually aware of how much of our day falls into the category of the mundane?

    It’s easy to change.

    And it can be fun!

    Just “get off the path.”

  • 10 Ways to Cultivate a Positive Mindset and Change Your Life

    10 Ways to Cultivate a Positive Mindset and Change Your Life

    “Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~Buddha

    I remember how I used to think; it was always, “People suck” and “I hate (fill in the blank).” I was constantly focusing on the bad side of humanity, so that was all I could see. It cast a shadow, which took the joy out of life.

    It should have been obvious that I was creating my own misery, but I wasn’t able to see how my own thoughts affected my mood.

    I had to change my entire outlook by training my mind to see things in a new light. It would have been easy to stay on the same path. After all, I had chronic fatigue, no money, and nothing to look forward to because I didn’t have a compelling vision of the future. I felt the present situation was permanent.

    Eventually, I’d had enough and started thinking about what I could do to change my situation.

    Change was slow, but a new path that wasn’t clear to me before started to appear as I worked on my mindset. As things progressed, my goals and dreams became bigger and more ambitious. I started imagining being fit, healthy, running my own business, and traveling the world.

    These are some of the things I did to change my mindset and my life.

    1. Seek positive friends.

    A negative social circle will act as an echo chamber for bad ideas. A positive social circle will also act as an echo chamber, but one that supports your dreams, so choose your friends carefully.

    Find people who reflect the values you want to adopt. Join groups online and go to networking or social events focused on personal growth. As your own mind starts to change, it’ll become easier to connect with more positive people.

    I’m not suggesting that you ditch friends who are going through a hard time and need your support, but rather that you evaluate whether some of your relationships are persistently draining and unhealthy.

    I left my old social circle because it was an echo chamber for negativity. Instead of focusing on a great future, everyone was talking about the things they didn’t like about life.

    It was hard to make new friends at first. The problem was that I couldn’t offer any value to people with much more positive mindsets—the kind of people who I wanted to emulate.

    That changed, but it took time. Once you find your “tribe,” progress will come much more quickly because of your new influences.

    2. Challenge your thoughts.

    When old thinking comes up, as it will, it’s not enough to try and ignore it. We need to challenge our beliefs.

    Is everything too expensive, or is it just that I can’t afford it? Do “people suck,” or am I just looking for things to criticize?

    Weigh your thoughts against the evidence. If they crumble under scrutiny, then explore why you believe them in the first place. By challenging your thoughts, your mindset will begin to evolve.

    3. Consume positive media.

    Consuming positive media daily will alter your perspective through osmosis. “Positive media” is anything that emphasizes the good in life, or how to improve our living standards and the living standards of others.

    We all know that the best way to learn a new language is through immersion. If you hear this new language every day, it starts to stick and become easier to remember. Soon, you’ll not only understand that language but you’ll speak it too.

    New mindsets are exactly the same; if you immerse yourself in personal growth content every day, it will change the language of your mind. That language is your self-dialogue, the way you speak to yourself at every moment, and it’s habitual.

    Learn a positive self-dialogue and you’ll see the world in a different way.

    4. Volunteer.

    Volunteering to help other people can make a huge impact on how you feel about yourself and your view of the world.

    By focusing on how you can help someone else, you’ll draw your attention away from your own woes. It becomes easy to develop a positive mindset when you’re looking for new ways to make someone else’s situation better.

    You can’t focus on the bad while focusing on the good.

    5. Abstain from all “bad news.”

    Wars, murders, and politics all add baggage to our thoughts.

    It makes sense that most of the mainstream media focuses on bad news, though, because tragedy sells. It doesn’t make sense for us to sit around stewing over this bad news. It’s certainly not going to allow for an optimal mindset, one that’s focused on the best that life has to offer.

    By tuning into the news about a plane crash thousands of miles away, we’re putting our mental energy into something that won’t help. We can’t change the bad things happening at any given moment, but if we put our attention into things we can change, our lives will improve.

    6. Write out your action plan.

    This is about looking at the possibilities and then doing something to make it happen. Forward thinking will move your focus away from where you don’t want to be to where could be.

    But it’s not enough to simply write it out, because we only grow when we take action. It’s just a thought until we do something to make it happen.

    Don’t know what the right steps are? Don’t worry, just identify the first thing you could do to start on the path, then do it. Even if it’s a mistake, you’ll still make progress, and that will keep you focused on creating positive change. Never allow paralysis by analysis. You have the vision; go with it.

    7. Adopt a healthy lifestyle.

    A healthy body will support a healthy mind. During the most difficult time of my personal struggles, bad health was a major obstacle. Chronic fatigue could wipe me out for whole days.

    Nonetheless, getting into action, changing my diet, and working out set the foundation for all other changes to take place. Slowly, my energy levels started to rise till the point that my health no longer was an issue.

    Look at how you sleep, what you eat, and your activity levels to identify anything that could be sapping your energy. Sometimes laziness is just fatigue.

    8. Send thank you notes.

    The simple gesture of sending a thank you note can be empowering. Not only does it feel good, a thank you note creates goodwill in other people.

    Thank you notes will also strengthen your relationships and connections, because people like to feel appreciated.

    It doesn’t really matter what they did; any small gesture you appreciated, from good service to a favor, is a candidate. Send a quick email or a card in the mail to let them know you appreciated it.

    9. Create a morning mindset routine.

    A great way to start the day is by making a mental list of each thing we’re looking forward to; it creates a feeling of anticipation and excitement that creates momentum for the entire day.

    Every morning I play personal growth videos or audio books. By focusing on the positive messages coming from this content at the beginning of the day, it’s much easier to be happy and focused. My work gets done more quickly, and it doesn’t seem so hard either.

    10. Write a wins checklist.

    So you started on good note; now finish on a great note by making a mental list of the day’s wins. It doesn’t have to be monumental; the point of the exercise is just to keep your focus on the best your day’s experience.

    Keeping track of losses can help you improve, but dwelling on them will kill your motivation and momentum. Finish strong and it will be much easier to wake up feeling happy.

    —

    Improving your life starts with improving your mindset. Like me, you may find that these steps are a great start.

  • Abuse Isn’t Always Physical, and We Never Deserve It

    Abuse Isn’t Always Physical, and We Never Deserve It

    “A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass. If you stay, you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but you will heal.” ~Autumn Kohler

    It happens little by little, bit by bit. So very slowly that before you know it, you can’t recognize the person you lie next to at night and you hate the person you see staring back at you in the mirror.

    Who is that person?

    Where is the strong, capable, unflappable, and carefree person that you once were? When did you become someone so pathetic, so small and malleable?

    I have never been the kind of girl who accepts bad behavior, let alone anything verging on abuse.

    I believe in good manners, in kindness, in treating others as you wish to be treated. I also believe absolutely in apologizing when I get it wrong.

    I don’t let my two little people get away with being rude, cheeky, or back-chatting a grown-up. So why did I let him treat me so appallingly? Why didn’t I stand up to him? Why didn’t I get out?

    I have always left, you see. With all the significant relationships I’ve been in, I have always ended it.

    I have always made that call. I’ve always run away when I couldn’t do it anymore, or cut my losses before I could get hurt.

    I ended my engagement to my ex mere months before the “big day.” I called time on my first marriage, seven years after saying “I do,” when three straight years of trying hard to fix it had failed.

    So why didn’t I leave him?

    People think domestic violence has to involve fists, bruises, and physical pain. Well, I can now put my hand up and admit that I was abused—but he never laid a finger on me. It doesn’t make it any less painful or significant or wrong.

    I am beginning to get comfortable owning what happened to me, but its effects have lasting consequences that I am aware of almost daily.

    The more time I spend analyzing what he did, and his potential motivations, the less I feel I understand what our relationship was about, and the more blatant the abuse appears.

    He controlled, manipulated, and systematically ignored me.

    I wasn’t allowed answer the door to other men if my husband wasn’t in the house, nor was I allowed to speak to other men at the pool where we trained.

    He loved my little skirts and dresses while he was wooing me, but as soon as he had me it was always, “I hope you’ve got appropriate knickers on wearing that” or, “you will keep your legs closed if you go out wearing that.”

    When he thought I had overstepped some invisible, unfathomable, and constantly shifting line, he could look me straight in the eye and yet completely ignore me for three straight days, without skipping a beat.

    Not a word would leave his mouth. For days on end. And for a girl who can talk the hind legs off a donkey, that is pretty much the worst kind of torture imaginable. I was invisible. I was nothing.

    But it happens gradually, remember.

    In the beginning, he built me up and showered me with words of love and affection. He placed me on a pedestal and worshipped me. I had never felt so precious to anyone before.

    He made himself the very center of my universe, and made himself so large that he obliterated everyone and everything else. Little by little, increment by increment, my universe became so very small, and by degrees I became myopic, a mere shadow of the woman I once was.

    In some ways, the hardest thing for me now is coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t have the nerve to get out.

    I had irrationally made the decision to stay because I truly felt that it was the only choice I had.

    I think I justify it by saying that it was the only thing I could do—for the sake of my children. They had already been through so much; I couldn’t damage them further.

    And anyway, his behavior was only directed at me. Once he had me controlled, managed, and living in fear, it was was only ever about me; I perceived that my children were safe from any form of direct threat.

    The decision to get out, to get free and safe, wasn’t a decision I ever had to make, or got the chance to make. By some weird twist in the way the universe works, I received the ultimate “get out of jail free” card. The abusive monster of a man to whom I had given three years of my life died.

    He died suddenly and shockingly, and in doing so simultaneously set me free and inflicted his biggest, most significant controlling act.

    Now, almost exactly one year later, I still feel immense and overwhelming relief that I am out of that place; that like a caterpillar trapped, bound and confined, I have been able to break free and spread my beautiful wings.

    But I still feel some misplaced sense of shame that I didn’t get to make that call. That I didn’t put my big girl brave pants on and make that decision first, and for me.

    Being in that relationship is, without question, the biggest and worst regret of my life, one that I will carry to my grave.

    I wanted to write this for all the people who feel trapped, who feel like a watered down impression of the person they once were. For the people who don’t feel able to speak out and ask for help.

    I know how that feels.

    I know the shame and embarrassment that keeps your lips sealed, even around those who you trust and love the most.

    Just because there are no physical marks doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.

    When you question yourself and you try to tell yourself that it’s really not that bad, that he or she loves you, really, but has just got a few issues to deal with, or worse still, that it’s your fault he or she treats you this way, trust your gut.

    If they continually put you down, shut you out in an attempt to manipulate and control you, ignore your needs, threaten you in any way, call you “crazy” or “overly sensitive” when you dare to raise your worries, and/or blames you for their reactions, that is not love. It is abuse.

    It’s easier somehow to make excuses, accept the blame (you will even start to believe it), but know that you could end up spending the rest of your days in an a broken and painful place—a relationship where you feel small, worthless, and lonely beyond words.

    Somewhere in your gut, you likely know this is true.

    Whether your inner voice is yelling at you, or just whispering to get out, you know. You know it’s not right and that you deserve so much more. You deserve to have the chance for your wings to be set free.

    And I pray that you do.

  • Breaking Free from Manipulative, Narcissistic Parents

    Breaking Free from Manipulative, Narcissistic Parents

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    I happened to catch the last scene of the movie Moonstruck on TV a few nights ago. The scene marks the happy resolution of various plot threads, and yet I felt as if I was witnessing the sinking of the Titanic.

    It was like watching a demonstration of what I have come to understand as the two ways of being in this world: dominating vs. accepting, narcissism or bullying vs. kindness.

    Having come from a narcissistic family myself, it felt as if the movie was peering straight into my soul.

    In the movie, Loretta Castorini is engaged to Johnny Cammareri, an aging mama’s boy who never married, out of ‘consideration’ for his ailing mother in Sicily.

    In this scene, he bursts in, announcing that he can’t marry Loretta because it would kill his mother, and asks for his engagement ring back. In the next moment, Johnny’s brother, Ronny, promptly proposes to Loretta, borrowing Johnny’s ring to seal the deal.

    The movie centers on Ronny and Loretta, yet seeing the last scene isolated from the rest of the movie drew me to Johnny’s experience.

    There he was, controlled by his mother long-distance from Sicily, giving up his marriage in deference to his mother’s script about who he needed to be in order to support her needs.

    The confusion on Johnny’s face as his brother claims the prize of Loretta’s hand in marriage is heartbreaking. Johnny isn’t quite sure what is happening, and yet he dare not question his mother’s love, nor break free of his supporting role in his mother’s drama.

    His life has been spent, and, unless he wakes up, will continue to be spent, in service to her, at a great cost to him.

    I see myself in Johnny. I was well into middle age before I was able to break free of my father’s domination of my life, and I suspect that, like me, many people delay the beginning of their own lives out of misplaced fealty to the stories their parents scripted for them.

    For years, whether rebelling against my dad’s criticisms or craving approval from outside myself, I had, on a deep level, ceded the central role in my life to my dad.

    Whether we were close or miles apart, communicating or no contact, he was the sun, and I was orbiting his solar system. This is exactly how he wanted it, and I fell into place within the structures and systems of his universe.

    There is so much truth in humor. Johnny’s mother’s threats are played for laughs, and yet they are more than mere melodramatic manipulation.

    An acquaintance of mine energetically supported her narcissistic mother for decades. When she became aware of the family dynamic, she chose to withdraw her energetic support of her mother, and for the first time in her life, focus on herself as an individual.

    The potentially intimidating part is that her mother actually became ill.

    This is not to imply that my acquaintance should have continued to support her mother, it is simply to say that the energetic connection is real, and removing it, as necessary as it may be, is like removing a crutch someone has grown dependent upon.

    It sparks an enormous upheaval and rebalancing for both parties, and yet it must be done in order to achieve greater health and freedom on both sides.

    The saddest part for children of narcissistic parents, and also for partners of narcissists, is losing confidence in our own authentic feelings, hopes, and dreams. The narcissist’s insistence upon pretense, and the demand to suppress authentic experience can be very painful.

    The younger brother, Ronny, was lucky to have been the black sheep of the family; at least he was distanced from his mother’s demands. Nonetheless, he, too, was damaged.

    When we first encounter him in the basement of his bakery, he looks like a hurt animal hiding in his lair. He has a wooden prosthetic hand, as Loretta says, “like a wolf that has chewed off his own paw to escape a trap.”

    To narcissistic parents, a child is not a full-fledged individual, but rather a character in their story, and the roles they offer their offspring are severely limited.

    Whether a “golden child” who can do no wrong, or the “failure” who can do no right, in either role the child will feel that he must perform in order to try to keep or win the parent’s love.

    This is not love at all, but rather a form of abuse, which is worse for being invisible to all but those directly involved. The child is asked to give up her own feelings, thoughts, and needs in order to support the parents’ version of reality.

    The child, meanwhile, resists facing the direness of the situation—the truth of a manipulative or even an unloving parent—for she intuits that she needs her parents’ love in order to survive.

    At the same time, she may feel excruciatingly uncomfortable living inside the parents’ stories. Like Johnny, she may end up not knowing who she really is and what she really wants, having given up her own thoughts, emotions, and needs for so long.

    In the movie, neither brother escapes unscathed: Johnny, the golden child, was hobbled, tied to his mother’s apron strings, and Ronny, the black sheep, was also wounded and cut off from the rest of humanity.

    Like so many rebels among us, Ronny finds solace in the arts, in his case, opera. As a child, my passion for dance sustained me. It was an outlet for self-expression, and an opening for the magic I needed in order to survive.

    Funny to speak of all this in the context of a romantic comedy, yet perhaps the power of the story stems from its basis in profound truth.

    At the end of the final scene, Johnny sits alone as the family excitedly gathers to toast the new couple. He looks stunned, isolated, and lost amid the celebration. Then the grandfather approaches Johnny and extends a glass of champagne, offering the last line in the movie: “You’re part of the family.”

    And with that, Johnny is embraced in the warmth of the family, and I burst into tears. How different is this warm embrace compared to the demands of the narcissistic parent.

    Johnny is played as a buffoonish character, and the audience is fully rooting for Ronny and Loretta. Yet even clownish Johnny is embraced.

    This is love. This is real acceptance.

    This is the tenderness of the movie. This is its big heart, which is depicted, not just in the romantic passion of Ronny and Loretta, but more importantly, in the inclusion of Johnny in the celebration. As the credits begin to roll a toast is raised: “La famiglia!” To family!

    This is the archetypical image of the loving family. And yet many of us did not experience that. And many of us hide a secret shame that our families aren’t like that. I know that I was deeply ashamed for a long time that my story wasn’t pretty like that, until one day I realized that it was not my fault.

    On the day that I accepted my family as it was, and realized that I wasn’t responsible, and rejected the stories they told. On that day I reclaimed my right to my truth about what happened, what I felt, what I thought, and what I experienced.

    Reclaiming our stories—our truth—is how we take our power back.

    If any of this speaks to you, go watch Moonstruck. Johnny hasn’t woken up yet from the spell his mother cast over him. Ronny, with the help of Loretta’s love, breaks out of his hurt isolation and reclaims his life.

    Wake up and face your truth. Sometimes facing the ugliness is the route we must take in order to reclaim our own beauty and power.

  • 3 Ways to Build Stronger, Deeper Friendships

    3 Ways to Build Stronger, Deeper Friendships

    Friends

    “No friendship is an accident.” –O. Henry, Heart of the West

    Recently I was telling a friend how grateful I was that she had initiated a get-together.

    “No one ever reaches out to me,” I complained. “I feel like I am the one driving all of my relationships.”

    “Well,” she responded, “don’t think too highly of me. I almost never reach out…to anyone.”

    I mulled this over on my way home that evening. I have often felt like the driving force behind many of my relationships. But I have also felt on many occasions that I’m just as bad at keeping in touch as my friends.

    The truth is, many of us are terrible at relationships. We leave our social connections up to chance, only spending time with the people we happen to see during the course of our week.

    Sometimes we invite people to spend time with us, but then once they get there we divert half of our attention talking to friends on our phone. Some of us are good at having actual conversations, but not very deep ones—we stick to topics like the weather, the results of the recent sports game in the city, or what’s trending on social media.

    We have come to prize friendships of “convenience” above friendships of substance.

    It’s become more important to us that we make our next meeting or social engagement, respond to the most recent tweet, or check out what’s trending on Facebook than to take the real, raw time it requires to build solid, edifying relationships.

    However you look at it, there is a lot of room for growth when it comes to building friendships and community in our day and age. What are some ways you can foster caring and supportive relationships today in a digital, easily distracted world?

    1. Initiate and reciprocate.

    As much as we all want to be invited by others, you have to remember that they are craving to feel included just as much as you are. You could wait for someone else to ask you to do something, but you may be waiting forever.

    Swallow your pride and just take the first step. Invite them over for dinner, grab coffee in the morning, check out your local museum, go to a concert together or a walk in the park—the possibilities are endless.

    Not all relationships that you initiate will pan out, but being willing to take that first step can go a long way toward creating the foundation of a lasting friendship.

    Of course, this won’t be the only step. Equally as important as initiating is reciprocating when someone else reaches out to you. Initiating with someone once is not going to get you very far if you don’t follow up with more invitations, or they don’t reciprocate in kind.

    I have countless friendships that have burned out because I became frustrated with always being the one to suggest outings. Don’t be that friend. If someone has made the effort to reach out to you, give them the courtesy of doing the same for them.

    2. Be present.

    If we want to develop deep relationships, we’ve got to put down our phones. Or tablets, or computers, or whatever else is distracting us from really connecting with the people sitting right in front of us.

    Consciously focus on listening to what people are saying. Respond accordingly. Ask questions that show you really care about them. If they tell you about something they’re struggling with or excited about, bring it up the next time you talk to them.

    People will be much more willing to invest in you if they feel you truly care about them and what’s going on in their lives, and you can only make them feel you care about them if you really do care. Put the distractions away and commit to being present with your friend for the time you are together.

    I think about this principle often when I contrast my relationships with my brother and my husband.

    My brother is addicted to his phone. He is always on it—updating his social media accounts, responding to texts, or doing research for work.

    When I have asked him to put it down and focus on me, he usually gets annoyed with me. This has caused enormous tension and friction between us, because I feel unimportant and he feels like I’m trying to control him.(Granted, as siblings there is plenty of other baggage between us to cause friction, but the phone is definitely a big part of it.)

    My husband, on the other hand, makes a very conscious, intentional effort to not even have his phone within arm’s reach when he is talking with other people.

    I consistently hear people remark on how loved and important he makes them feel, and personally I have never felt like I was playing second fiddle when I’m around him. It makes me feel so much more comfortable around and close to him.

    I cannot overestimate how important it is to a good relationship to make people feel valued when you’re with them.

    3. Open up and be real.

    Sometimes people need to be coaxed out of their shells by hearing someone else share before they’re willing to do the same. Don’t assume that if you start telling them about yourself they will judge you or remain taciturn.

    Give them the benefit of the doubt and just be willing to open up. Tell them about your life. Ask about theirs.

    After I first got married, I sunk into depression—I know, not exactly the “happily ever after” that I was hoping for. I felt so lost, so alone. Everyone around me was living their happy little perfect lives, and here I was floundering hopelessly all by myself.

    When I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my friends about my challenges, however, I realized that no one actually has a perfect life. Many of them were struggling with some of the very same things that I was, and by being real and honest with them I found succor, solidarity, and hope during a very dark period of my life.

    Be vulnerable enough to tell people what you hope for and need. Your friends want to help you, but they’re not mind readers. Giving them a little insight into your life can go a very long way.

    This list seems so simple! And yet, it is so rarely actually executed. I know so many people, myself included, who have pined for deeper friendships for years and yet never actually taken the time to invest in them. True friendships take work. With a little effort, together we can build better and more supportive communities.

    What can you do today to start deepening a relationship that you care about?

  • 3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    Friends forever

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    In this current age of social media, it is easy to have large and wide social circles. I believe that the larger and wider these circles get, the shallower the friendships become.

    I’ve always been a person who is very selective when forging friendships. I think that has mostly stemmed from the fact that I value depth over breadth, and quality over quantity.

    For this reason, I have had a handful of friendships that have lasted through the test of time. But unfortunately, I have also had a few friendships that I have lost through my own thoughtlessness and complacency.

    Over my adult life, I can identify three times when I failed a very good friend. These times have stayed with me over the years, primarily because of the lessons that I learned from them. Sometimes the lesson was learned immediately; other times the lesson took years to have its full effect on me.

    I hope that by sharing these three stories and their related lessons, I may be able to help you avoid the mistakes I made so you won’t run the risk of damaging any of your most valued friendships.

    When I Ignored Her Needs

    When I was in college, my freshman roommate was a friend from high school. We thought it would be best to room with someone we already knew rather than a total stranger.

    By the end of our freshman year, we realized that we had less in common than we had thought and that it would be better to live separately, but still remain friends. As we both changed and grew over the next two years, we decided to live together again as seniors, and it really turned out to be the best rooming experience of all my four college years.

    During our senior year, we attended the wedding of a mutual friend. At that wedding, I met a man (one of the groomsmen, actually) and had a great time with him. He was from out of town, was going home in the morning, and I really didn’t want the evening to end.

    My friend and I had shared a taxi to the wedding and had planned on going home together. My plans, of course, had changed. I left her to her own devices, to flag down a taxi in a big city, in a part of town that she was not familiar with.

    I should also explain that my friend was not the most adventurous or experienced person I knew. That was part of why she made such a good, reliable roommate.

    I knew that she was very uncomfortable in the situation that I had created for her. But I didn’t care. I thought: “If things were reversed, I would understand. Why doesn’t she understand? What is the big deal anyway? It’s just a cab ride.”

    But to her it wasn’t just a cab ride, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit that I knew it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true because of my own selfish motives.

    In the end our friendship survived, but the long-distance relationship with the groomsman didn’t. He went back to his ex-girlfriend, and the friend that I had dumped for him comforted me through my heartbreak. She was a much better friend to me at that time than I had been to her.

    The lesson: I learned from this situation that it is so easy to be selfish and not even realize that you are doing it. When you are in the heat of the moment, and you don’t take time to step back and think before you act, you run the risk of letting your emotions get the best of your judgment.

    At that moment, all I thought about was my own interests and completely ignored the needs of my friend. I had no empathy for her, even though I was the one who was putting her in an unpleasant situation through my own selfish actions.

    I learned that true empathy involves understanding and respecting how the other person is feeling even if you would not feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Rather than acknowledging how my friend felt, I expected her to see things my way and to feel as I would have if the situation had been reversed.

    When I Gave in to Pressure

    When I was in my early twenties and living in California, a friend with whom I had remained close for more than ten years flew out from Washington DC to visit me.

    It was her first cross-country trip and a big deal to her. We had not seen each other in years and were both very excited about the visit.

    During the last night of her trip, she was watching TV in my living room when the person who shared my apartment picked up his guitar and started to play. She told him to be quiet because she couldn’t hear the TV. When he took his guitar and left the room, I didn’t think anything of it.

    But later that night he insisted that she had to leave because she had been disrespectful to him. I explained that it was her last night and she’d be gone in the morning. He refused to change his mind, and I gave in to his pressure.

    My friend was in shock, to say the least. She wasn’t even given a chance to apologize. I drove her to a nearby hotel and paid for her room.

    The next morning I took her to the airport, and, to her great credit, she didn’t blame me at all for what happened. I, on the other hand, felt terrible about my lack of conviction and inability to stand up for what I knew was right.

    She and I eventually lost touch over the next year. She never said so, but I suspect that event marked the beginning of the end of our friendship.

    The lesson: I learned that one bad decision can quickly ruin a friendship, especially if you don’t address it. Because my friend acted like she was fine, I preferred to just forget what happened. I thought that was easier than discussing it with her and reminding myself how ashamed I felt about my own behavior.

    I took the easy, immature, and selfish option of sweeping it under the rug. I really think that if I had acted differently and taken responsibility for my mistake, our friendship would have survived.

    When I Didn’t Want to Listen

    Last year I was having a conversation with an old friend. We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years and have shared many of the ups and downs of our lives with each other.

    During that conversation, I asked her if things were any better for her, as she’d just gone through a difficult and tumultuous couple of weeks. She said that things were better and she had not had any more thoughts of suicide.

    Her statement took me completely by surprise, so much so that I had no idea how to react to it.

    My immediate thought was that, as a friend, I couldn’t let a statement like that just slide by unaddressed. I had to say something, anything, in response, but I didn’t. I just acted like she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary, even though she had never, ever said anything remotely close to that before.

    I later thought about why I hadn’t reacted. And the truth was embarrassingly selfish and simple: I simply was not in the mood to listen.

    I had asked her how she was doing out of politeness, not genuine concern or interest. That day, I was preoccupied and distracted with my own petty problems, and not present or engaged in the conversation. That day, I wasn’t a friend to her at all.

    The lesson: I learned that the true meaning of friendship is to be available and supportive even when it is difficult or unpleasant. That is part of the responsibility that comes along with being a friend.

    Anyone who has children knows that there are days when you don’t feel like doing what needs to be done, but you do it anyway. Similarly, as a true friend, you have to be present no matter what. A true friend doesn’t only provide help and support when it is convenient, but provides it every time that it is needed.

    These are the hard lessons that I have learned about friendship. Do you have any friendship lessons that you learned the hard way?